Poop Chronicles II
I warned you it was coming, and it’s bad. So bad. And this is only the beginning my friends. Really my stash of poop stories is bottomless. Har.
These two stories happened this week. The first is pretty boring, but still amazingly gross. I was on the phone with my sweet mommy when my middle baby came into the room, fresh from her nap. I asked her for a snuggle and as she approached me I saw the poop smeared all the way down her leg, I followed the trail of poop smears to the bathroom, where some of it was still stuck to the toilet, the bathmat, and the stool she uses to get to the toilet. The poop covered tissue she’d used to wipe herself thrown willy nilly all over the bathroom floor.
Okay now this next one, this is not for the weak of heart. The warning you read on roller coasters: pregnancy, heart conditions, that sort of thing, if you suffer from any of it, DO NOT READ THIS!!!
So anyway, a couple of days ago I’m sitting at my computer. I hear my four-year-old daughter in the bathroom, I assume she’s got it under control, we’ve been out of the poop Picasso stage for years now. But then here she is, naked as a jay bird, whimpering, sticking her bum at me . . . OH my GoODneSS!!!!! I can’t even write this!!!!!! . . . .sticking her bum at me “Mommy it’s stuck!” And sure enough, here is an enormous poop, the biggest poop I’ve ever seen in my entire life, stuck half in, half out of her tiny little four-year-old bum. Stuck I say. S. T. U. C. K.
And you know the irony of it is, she a veggie fiend. That child is a fiber lover. You name a fruit or veggie and she’ll eat it, and she does, many times a day. Unlike child #2 who so far as I can tell has never sullied her lips with anything outside of the bread and French fries food group. Now if daughter #2 had a stuck poop, she would totally deserve it.
Okay so the poop is stuck. Do you really want to know more? You don’t, just stop reading this, I’m telling you, you don’t want to know that I had to stick my finger up my poor baby’s anus, the same anus that was already stretched beyond belief for the hugest poop on record, and you really don’t want to know that I had to dig that poop out, and that it made her bleed, and that she cried and whimpered and sobbed. HORRIFIYING. And you don’t want to know that the two little siblings came in to watch. And that the baby boy kept trying to climb into the toilet while I dug that HUMOUNGOUS poop out, and that I finally had to hold him on the floor with my foot while he screamed and I dug the poop. See, you didn’t want to know. Why are you still reading this?
But on the plus side, when she told me that she doesn’t like apple peels today, even though she’s been eating apple peels for years already, I told her that the peals help so the poop won’t get stuck, and she at every bit of peal. And she used to refuse to drink water, holding out for milk or juice (which may have lead to the STUCK POOP in the first place) and now every time I give her water, she sucks it down, and informs me that he loves water because it makes it so her poops won’t get stuck.
And here you are, thinking to yourself This must be it. Really this has to be all. She can’t possibly have more poop stories. We have reach the pinnacle of poop, where can we go from here. Well my sweeties, you’ll just have to wait and see.
And I thought I was the only one that ever had to perform that “operation” on a child. And now my daughter eats lentils and beans and veggies with much more enthusiasm
Posted by GAF
Comment by Anonymous — February 12, 2005 @ 12:04 pm
Ok, I have been lurking here for some time, always enjoying a good read whether I agree with the person’s opinion or not. The posts are very well written and thought out. However, after reading the Poop Chronicles. both I and II, I just HAD to say something. These have me laughing so hard. Mainly cause I have experienced most of these myself, from poop picasso to the trail of poop back to the bathroom. Please keep them coming, at least now I do’t feel like the only mommy who has had some utterly gross experiences with the little poop factories.
And just on a side note, my latest poop story is that my year old daughter was sitting in her highchair enjoying a nice sandwhich when she leaned a little to the side and let ripe one of the loudest and juicest farts I have ever heard. My husband would have been so proud. So I pick up the darling to change her when I notice something dripping out her pant leg… it’s poop! I rush to change her and what do I find… poop all down one leg, not in the diaper… now how in the world do we miss the diaper I ask? I have no idea, but she managed to miss the diaper and get it about everywhere else.
Anyway, just wanted to thanks for the stories…
Posted by melanie
Comment by Anonymous — February 12, 2005 @ 3:45 pm
Wow. It’s never easy to write a sequel, but Poop Chronciles II delivers. It’s like the EMPIRE STRIKES BACK of Poop. It’s bigger, funnier, and poopier than the original. Two thumbs up. Excuse me, now, I think I have to go puke. But I can’t wait for the third part of the trilogy.
Posted by Brian G
Comment by Anonymous — February 13, 2005 @ 6:31 pm
OH. MY. GOD. I had a 10 month old, and you have just put the fear of God in me.
On the opposite side of things, I used to babysit for a little girl who knew that eating caused you to poop, and HATED to poop, so she just stopped eating. She became a toddler anorexic for all practical purposes, and her parents had to do some serious convincing to get her to eat. Poor thing.
Posted by Susan
Comment by Anonymous — February 15, 2005 @ 9:45 am
Thank you. Just when I thought I was cold and alone in the world of poop stories, there you are to remind me we are all walking this path together. Solid - arity in poop.
Posted by Ravyn
Comment by Anonymous — February 15, 2005 @ 6:38 pm
Wow, that beats my story of diarrhea on the brand new carpet. Poor little 4 year old bum!
Posted by Heather Oman
Comment by Anonymous — February 15, 2005 @ 7:15 pm
Did you say NEW carpet. I don’t know, that really might beat me. Really it would depend on HOW Much diarrhea on new carpet.
Posted by Lisa
Comment by Anonymous — February 16, 2005 @ 1:40 am
Imagine carpet that is only about 4 months old. Imagine a not yet 3 year old who is just starting the potty-training process. He gets completely naked and pees in the potty. Hooray! Then he comes out of the bathroom with a puzzled look on his face, squats right there, and deposits a large, very large, pile of diarrhea, right on the aforementioned brand new carpet. Even the Stainmaster couldn’t take care of this one! We were cleaning it out for days. Still, no stretched little bum! He pooped one more time on the carpet after that, much like a dog who has decided that the carpet is his potty area. The second time he did it, I threw a fit, and he hasn’t done it since. He misses the toilet sometimes, and he goes in his pants sometimes, but at least no more carpet incidents. After the last one, my husband said, “You know, we might as well get a dog. He probably would be easier on our carpet than our toddler.”
Posted by Heather Oman
Comment by Anonymous — February 16, 2005 @ 11:36 am
Lisa, I just read your Poop Chronicles I. Again, great stories. How come nobody ever told us about the things we have to do as parents? I’ve never had to dig poop out of a nose, but the other day, I did have to dig Play-Doh out of my son’s left nostril with a toothpick. I immediately called my mother and said, “Why didn’t you tell me motherhood involved something like this?” She calmly said, “You never stuck Play-Doh up your nose.”
Posted by Heather Oman
Comment by Anonymous — February 16, 2005 @ 11:45 am
Hi Everybody –
You may think it’s impossible to write something combining poop and spirituality, but i’ve got something special for anyone interested –
Please see “Women’s Experience As Sacred Experience:
A Meditation On Diapers” in “Gaia’s Thoughts” –
Blessings –
~Gaia
Posted by Gaia
Comment by Anonymous — February 20, 2005 @ 5:03 pm
Please see “Women’s Experience As Sacred Experience:
A Meditation On Diapers” in “Gaia’s Thoughts” –
I’ll have to look at that. Do you have a link?
Posted by Stephen M (Ethesis)
Comment by Anonymous — February 20, 2005 @ 7:18 pm
http://gaiasblog.blogspot.com/
Neat!
Posted by Stephen M (Ethesis)
Comment by Anonymous — February 20, 2005 @ 7:32 pm
Reminds me of being a medical student. Whenever an elderly patient on the ward developed a fecal impaction, guess whose job it was to put on glove and dig it out. Not the resident’s, not the intern’s, and for some reason we students couldn’t dump it on the nurses.
Posted by Alan
Comment by Anonymous — March 6, 2005 @ 12:00 am
To Lisa and/or Alan (or others),
Why must it be dug out digitally? Is an enema not capable of helping at this point?
Posted by anonymous
Comment by Anonymous — March 6, 2005 @ 7:15 pm
*shudder* I knew I should have stopped reading when you posted the warning about being pregnant . =p
I’ve had poop smeared in the crib, poop shot out at me from two feet away, little piddle poops in the crib, and poop smeared all over the porta-crib….and yet, no “digging-out-of-bum” poop.
I think now’s an appropriate time for a second *shudder*.
Posted by Emily
Comment by Anonymous — March 21, 2005 @ 10:27 pm
Great story - I can relate with the poop stories. My almost 2 year old daughter sticks her finger up her bum to pooh than she holds it out to me to clean! She tells me when her really big one is coming out and also comments to me don’t look at me - get out. Anyways, I use to be sturn with her not to touch those places but since I have just been letting her help herself to go she’s been pooing so much and a lot of big ones - poor thing. I’m not sure if it is right that I let her do this - will it cause problems in the future - who knows. As long as she is going I am happy.
Posted by Jennefer
Comment by Anonymous — April 9, 2005 @ 9:26 pm
Jennifer, my doctor said that it’s really normal for kids to be touching themselves, it’s a phase they all go through, and there’s nothing to worry about. She said to teach them to wash their hands, and to tell them to go to their room or the bathroom, not in public.
Posted by Lisa
Comment by Anonymous — April 11, 2005 @ 1:24 pm
I have 4 kids and my wife has pulled a really large stuck poop out of two of them.
Comment by Leonard — December 13, 2005 @ 2:55 pm
[…] Meanwhile, the punks are puking (on two different wool rugs) and my bags need to be unpacked, so here’s a little nugget I wrote a little over a year ago (hum, looks like June 2004, shortly before I started this blog) and I just ran across it. It fitted well with Princess-Leahmom’s stressed-out-mother guestpost, and I laughed. A Continuing Series: Poop Chronicles I, II, III […]
Pingback by Feminist Mormon Housewives » Poop Chronicles IV — June 14, 2006 @ 11:11 am
WOW!
I shudder to think what my mom had to deal with! She had nine children, but she never mentioned any incidents like these!
Comment by Bridge — September 25, 2006 @ 9:23 pm