How I became a Mother by G
Egg shells, paper, and thread. I made this piece when I was almost 9 months pregnant with my son. My sister and my cousin were also pregnant. We delivered within 2 months of each other. I called this piece “Expecting” and told everyone it was sort of a portrait of the three of us pregnant together.
The reason I do art is because sometimes words aren’t sufficient.
I got pregnant because it was what we were “supposed” to do. My husband and I had been married about two years. Although he was in the middle of his masters program and I was making preparations to apply to graduate school somehow we got the idea that we were “supposed” to start our family right then (seems to be some sort of spoken/unspoken rule that young couples start having children within two years of marriage). I was fairly reticent about the idea but kept my thoughts to myself.
At the time I didn’t have the words to combat the enormous social pressure we were under from family and friends. My other desires seemed a pathetic excuse in the face of the command to multiply and replenish. I convinced myself everything would be fine- lots of people go to school and have children at the same time. We conceived without problem, had a healthy pregnancy and a problem free delivery. Then I immediately descended into a very severe depression. I cried for hours, for weeks on weeks. I should have gotten help, but was rather naive about what was going on. Graduate School plans faded. As the months and years progressed and I filled the role of stay at home mom, the postpartum depression became just plan ol’ depression. I began to get migraines (a first for me), became an insomniac, and had frequent suicidal thoughts. I really struggled with resentment towards the church, towards God, and even towards my child.
I love my child. Fiercely. I love my husband. I am finding peace with God. I still have a good deal of resentment towards the church (though I try to tell myself that this is silly). At times when I hit rock bottom I have wished I never married, or reproduced. I need to admit that I have had those thoughts. They come when I am feeling my most low. And they go away when I resurface. There is an enormous amount of love in our home and that binds me to reality, the reality of my family. For that I am immensely grateful. For all the pain there has been, I am glad for what we have together. I have learned things through this ordeal. I have come to grips with the fact that the role of stay-at-home-mother is not a healthy role for me. And I don’t know that we will have anymore children though we are leaving our options open.
I look at that piece I did almost 4 years ago and remember some of the ideas I was stitching into those materials- the fragility of life, female fertility, and a subtle tribute to a feminine godhead just to name a few. As I was writing just now about the postpartum depression I looked at this piece and thought: “I should have known. A portrait of my pregnant self made with frail, broken materials, dangling precariously by a thread.” Hmmm. Interesting. But this piece has many layers of meaning beyond some sort of warning from my subconscious. I tell myself I should have known, but that really doesn’t change anything. I can’t change what happened then. I just know more now than I did. And that matters a lot.
you did it!!! and you did it very well.
Comment by mfranti — August 15, 2007 @ 4:32 pm
thanks mfranti!
Comment by G — August 15, 2007 @ 5:15 pm
bravo!
Comment by cchrissyy — August 15, 2007 @ 5:55 pm
This is incredible G.
Comment by Lessie — August 15, 2007 @ 5:56 pm
G, I am absolutely speechless. This was incredible – powerful – there are no words. Your art is gorgeous and so, so descriptive.
Comment by Quimby — August 15, 2007 @ 6:06 pm
beautiful, beautiful art, G.
I just recently came to the conclusion that I’m not “stay at home” material, either. I put my kids in daycare, which has sent my mom completely over the edge. I have a sister that committed adultery, and my mom said that putting my kids in daycare was worse than what she did. Growing up she always said that as a mother, you had to give up your identity, cease existing as a person, because that was what God expected of you and you couldn’t disappoint God.
My best friend and I have been talking a lot lately about that moment in Huck Finn (Or was it Tom Sawyer?) where he’s been told that if he helps Jim escape he’ll go to hell. After some thinking his response is: “Well, I’ll go to hell then.” I think we all come to this moment at some point. Motherhood brought me there.
childbirth and motherhood have been the singularly most traumatic experiences of my entire life. it’s nice to know that other people experienced something similar! So, thanks. It’s good to share our stories, I think. Healing.
Comment by ss — August 15, 2007 @ 7:41 pm
go to the doctor and get some medicine! It really can help!!
btw the art is awesome
Comment by Me — August 15, 2007 @ 7:45 pm
My other desires seemed a pathetic excuse in the face of the command to multiply and replenish.
There is an enormous amount of love in our home and that binds me to reality, the reality of my family.
The first statement is one I related to a lot. If there was only one cultural belief we could change, I think it would be that one, that our desires are pathetic in the face of the command to multiply and replenish. It has caused so much pain for so many women.
The second statement also rings true. Sometimes that has been the only thing keeping me afloat as well. Kind of ironic, huh? Like ss said, our children can be the most traumatic thing to happen to us and yet the love we have for them can keep us holding on sometimes.
Comment by Lessie — August 15, 2007 @ 7:55 pm
Your prose and art hang together beautifully. What a mighty statement you’ve made here. Thank you.
Comment by Amy — August 15, 2007 @ 8:56 pm
hey Me (#7). A while back I did go to the doctor. And for a brief time I was on medication (a low dose of Zoloft). I didn’t like it, didn’t like the way it made me feel. Anti-depressants do help a lot of people, for me it has been as simple as getting daycare. My son is in preschool now and I am doing much better.
ss, wow! Daycare worse than adultery? I hope your mom mellows out a bit. good luck.
Lessie, I’m with you- “multiply and replenish” has such a hollow ring to me right now. I am much more into loving and nurturing… and leaving the numbers and judgment out of it.
Comment by G — August 15, 2007 @ 11:31 pm
What a beautiful post; I was touched by both your words and your art. Thank you.
Motherhood is so fraught with complexities. For some women, motherhood is traumatic and painful; for others it heals the deep wounds inflicted by life. I am one of those that has been healed by becoming a mother. I have never had the expierience of staying at home and maybe I would feel differently about motherhood if I was at home. As it is, the birth of my child has healed scars that I thought could never be made whole.
I realize that this is not every woman’s experience and I am sure that with time, my experience will change also. But it is these complexities that make motherhood so beautiful. Women who have found darkness have also discovered the “fierce” love that comes with mothering. And women who have not yet known this darkness someday will, and it will make them not only better mothers but fuller human beings as well. Thank you again for this thought provoking post.
Comment by mraynes — August 16, 2007 @ 3:00 am
Was the resemblance to sperm unintentional? That was actually the first thing that jumped out at me, perhaps influenced by the heading How I became a Mother.
Comment by Left Field — August 16, 2007 @ 5:59 am
The art is very powerful. Thanks for sharing. Your thoughts reminded me that in some cases, Mormon culture hasn’t caught up with what our leaders are teaching us. The “have kids asap” council is sooo 1980’s. You just don’t hear it any more. And yet, so many people still thinks its some “unspoken rule”. I can think of atleast a dozen young couple in my ward who have been married for 5+ years and don’t have any kids in site. They’re not shunned or ridiculed. I think their even allowed to hold recommends. In fact, I think one of them is even in our bishopric (gasp!). In general, I think our church leaders understand better than ever that situations vary drastically and that we’ve all been given the Gift of the Holy Ghost for a reason. If only the backward members could catch up.
Comment by cj douglass — August 16, 2007 @ 6:58 am
“The “have kids asap” council is sooo 1980’s. You just don’t hear it any more.”
Not quite:
“To the first man and woman on earth, the Lord said, “Be fruitful, and multiply” (Moses 2:28; see also Gen. 1:28; Abr. 4:28). This commandment was first in sequence and first in importance.”
–Elder Dallin H. Oaks, “The Great Plan of Happiness,” Ensign, Nov. 1993, page 72.
and
“Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth,” a commandment that has never been rescinded.”
–Elder M. Russell Ballard, “Answers to Life’s Questions,” Ensign, May 1995, page 22.
and
http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,538-1-2946-1,00.html
I’m dismayed to see core doctrines of the church written off as “Mormon culture” on this thread, but I also sense that my perspective isn’t welcome here. So I probably won’t add much to the discussion, except to register my hope that some of you will reconsider your positions.
Comment by Julie M. Smith — August 16, 2007 @ 7:52 am
Julie,
I think you misunderstand me. I was not suggesting that the multiply, and replenish the earth commandment from the Lord is not taught or is no longer important to our church leaders. What I described as Mormon culture is the idea that there’s some sort of cookie cutter time table for having children. If there is a standard timetable then why do we need the Holy Ghost? That is what I think G was addressing in her post - that the timing wasn’t right for her. In general, I think its dangerous to blame others for choices we have made. But if there is pressure to have kids right after marriage (regardless of the circumstances), I think it comes more frequently from individuals (like mothers and fathers) than from the church leaders.
Comment by cj douglass — August 16, 2007 @ 8:45 am
G: I am very saddened to see this happening. I have seen it among my family and friends as well. I am very angry at the church for this.
“At one suicide every 28 hours, Utah’s rate has remained among the highest in the nation for more than two decades.” (http://health.utah.gov/vipp/suicide/index.html)
Obviously something is wrong, and I don’t think it is the water.
Julie:
I don’t see the contradiction. None of the quotes you gave say “have kids ASAP” to me. Your interpretation is common in Mormon culture, but, I believe, unsupported by the facts you gave.
I will give you, however, that Russel M. Nelson appears to possibly share your feelings and that “have kids” is a generally accepted doctrine (though I believe it may not be right for every couple in every situation and we have no place to judge). I don’t see the ASAP part anywhere you pointed.
I guess I also took multiply and replenish literally. Multiply is defined as to reproduce or to have offspring or young. Having one or more child meets that in my mind.
I think of replenish as to fill something that was emptied. The fact that the earth’s population is rising indicates that birth rates are high enough to meet and exceed deaths. The archaic definition of replenish is “to fill with persons or animals.” We are certainly heading in that direction. Though that definition is very fuzzy — how do we know when we’ve met it? Is the earth filled when we have 1 person per square mile? 100 persons? 1,000 persons? 100,000 persons? When is it “filled”? Could it already be “filled”?
Comment by minnie mouse — August 16, 2007 @ 9:29 am
What a beautiful post.
G suggests that waiting to have kids might have changed her experience, but I wonder…
I did wait. I married much later than my family would have wished, enduring 10 years of extremely hurtful pointed comments from my mother. Once I did get married, many of my also newly married friends were starting families right away and I was told “because of your age it will take awhile to conceive, better get started right away.” Eventhough I was at a critical point in my graduate studies and career, I heeded this advice - however, I conceived on the very first try. Not my plan!!! But clearly a blessed plan, because I have the child I was meant to have. My career and educational paths (that I had invested decades in) went out the window. I love my son “fiercely” but having had him at “my age” sent my own sense of self, identity and purpose into a tailspin that took me three years to sort out and get back on track.
My sister married young and had her children in rapid succession, she was an at-home mother until her kids were in middle school and now that they are leaving the nest for college she is beginning her her own “sorting out” of self, purpose and identity.
I guess becoming a mother is challenging, finding the “right” balance between all-giving nuturer and self is hard. I am happy that I am finding balance and can be a mother who is a good example of engaging in worthwhile pursuits and leading an examined life.
There will always be days that you feel like the worst mother in the world…but luckily there are the “best mom” days too.
Comment by Edith — August 16, 2007 @ 9:42 am
G, thanks so much for writing this post. While I’ve heard church discussion regarding all sorts of mental illness, I’ve yet to attend a RS meeting where someone metnions post-partum depression, possibly because women fear admitting to it will somehow impugn their ability as mothers or cause others to question the love they have for their children. Rubbish. We need to talk about it.
Also, I LOVE the art. I have always wanted to try my hand at visual art (I just write, sort of boring) and am a big fat piece of poultry. This inspired me to give it a go.
Comment by Janet — August 16, 2007 @ 9:49 am
Julie, your comments are often received with great enthusiasm. So long as you don’t condemn others, of COURSE your perspective is welcome. However, I also fail to see a chronology suggested in the quotations you recruit–and I’ve always considered the official statement on birth control’s counsel to consider the health of the mother as inclusive of emotional well-being as well as physical stamina. For some women that may mean getting her tubes tied after the 9th kid. For others it may indicate childlessness.
I worry about a “one size fits all” approach to motherhood. Recently I conversed with a woman who has suffered guilt for 28 years for having her tubes tied, despite many miscarriages, two 2nd trimester births (one of the children died, the other lived in the NICU for a while) and being airlifted to a major medical center due to blood loss. Her doctor told her she needed to stop the frenetic pregnancy-chasing and raise the children she had before she inadvertently killed herself and/or alienated her girls.
She feels as though she disobeyed the commandment to multiply and replenish because she may have eventually been able to bring another live child into the world. At what cost? Sadly, her guilt exacted a substantial cost anyhow because she failed to distinguish general counsel from specific and personal circumstance. We really need to work on giving ourselves permission to use our circumstances as a barometer of appropriate behavior, rather than assuming there’s some sort of church policy mumu that will fit us all like an oversized and ugly suffocating tent.
Dang, I’m tired. What a bizarre metaphor.
My point, though, is that various church leaders (as well as common sense) have told us to become more spiritually self-reliant in figuring out how to apply counsel to our lives. The cultural force of mothering-as-lifes-only-true-purpose-for-women makes this an especially hard area for honest introspection, I think.
Comment by Janet — August 16, 2007 @ 9:59 am
ss: It’s Huck Finn, not Tom Sawyer. Tom Sawyer was a drone reliant entirely upon formulaic romanticism offered by novels. Huck, in the pivotal scene you cite, decides to reject all the religious justification for and codification of slavery found in his culture and follow his inner light. Great scene.
(I named my son after Huck–though he’s “Finn” rather than “Huck” to avoid getting the crap beaten out of him when he starts school.)
Comment by Janet — August 16, 2007 @ 10:05 am
Mraynes- thank-you for your kind words. I sometimes wonder if I might feel differently if I had, of necessity, had to work outside the home right after the birth of our son.
Cj douglass- that is why I tell myself that it is silly to resent the church. So many faithful within the church have confidence in their ability to receive their own counsel from God as opposed to letting friends and family dictate the acceptable numbers.
Julie m smith- yes, it was quotes like those (with specific timetables added by well-meaning church members) that were the operating force behind our decision to conceive.
Comment by G — August 16, 2007 @ 10:05 am
opps. should have refreshed the page first… more comments….
but I have to say: left field…ROTFLOL!!!!! nope, didnt plan on the semen imagery, but I totally see it now!
(it’s more the effect of having to scroll down. It doesn’t read the same way when viewing the image as a whole)
Comment by G — August 16, 2007 @ 10:16 am
G-Thanks for sharing your willingness to share your experience with mental illness. I think more people need to talk about it, especially young mothers. Let’s get over the weird taboo.
Julie, don’t stop commenting. I appreciate what you have to say.
I’m grateful (and feel damn lucky) that I can have children and am glad that I didn’t have them right away. In my life, pressure from outside sources is rarely a good impetus to do anything.
Comment by Lupita — August 16, 2007 @ 2:45 pm
G.,
I was very moved by your art. I stared at it for a while (before I read your post) and thought about my own life. To me, the empty egg shells, thin paper, and knotted thread completely summed up how I feel my options for children have become: empty, and very tenuous.
Then I read your post, and understood what it meant to you.
So, even though you didn’t intend it the way I absorbed it, thank you for your beautiful piece.
Comment by Liz W. — August 16, 2007 @ 6:00 pm
liz w… I am glad that you were touched by the art work. and hope it brought a measure of comfort and peace.
Comment by G — August 16, 2007 @ 9:07 pm
I love the art. It is very tender and beautiful. I recently found out that I’m unexpectedly expecting and this knowledge has been shocking and scary for me and my husband. Though I can’t say I know what you have gone through, my husband and I have had many conversations about the Mormon wifely role and recognize many women who have been damaged emotionally, mentally, physically (oh the physical toll of bearing many many children!), and spiritually by the somewhat unbelievable expectations within this community. You are brave for speaking out.
Comment by Guest — August 17, 2007 @ 12:19 pm
thankyou guest. and congratulations!
you sound like you have your eyes wide open, and that will serve you well. welcome to a whole new adventure.
In this post I wrote mostly about the depression. There has also been amazement, joy, fun, and laughter. And so much to look forward to.
best wishes for your pregnancy and this new big change in your life.
Comment by G — August 17, 2007 @ 1:47 pm
Love the art, I feel like the fragile, broken shells and what came out is something very distressing, but with glimmers of hope. I have three sons.
Comment by joule — August 18, 2007 @ 8:52 pm
[…] the sanctification, the vulnerability, the fear (and hope), the requirement. (And just because, here is something I did when I was about 9 mo pregnant with our […]
Pingback by the intentionally empty womb « The Exponent — October 24, 2008 @ 9:14 am
Just found this piece - so beautiful, I could have written it myself (though not nearly so eloquently). Thank you for sharing, G!
Comment by Kate — June 6, 2009 @ 6:27 pm