Becoming Hong Mei’s Mother by Joanna
We met and adopted our youngest daughter, three year old Hong Mei, in China on Mother’s Day 2007. For seven years prior to the miracle of Hong Mei’s “Gotcha Day”, I had researched adoption while fasting and praying. The Chinese have an old saying that “An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but never break.” I am a witness to the truth in the red thread connection.
There are many reasons why I was drawn to China; the most important reason is that I knew my child would be born in China and that I needed to go and get her. There were other practical reasons: for Chinese women the prenatal exposure to alcohol, illegal drugs, and cigarettes is rare; the spare diet is healthy, and for whatever short time her birth mother would have our child she would be breast-fed. Because of these factors the girls (and a few boys) that are adopted from China are usually healthy in both body and spirit.
I have always been drawn to the plight of the Chinese woman who has tremendous government pressure to limit her family to one child; then societal and familial pressure for that one child to be a boy. I would pray that when the time came for my daughter’s parents to “make an adoption plan” for her, or in other less charitable language “to abandon her” that they would be led to place her in a spot where she would be taken to an orphanage that participates in international adoptions.
In China there are over 2,000 orphanages and only 200 or so are involved in international adoptions. So my daughter’s finding place would be a crucial factor in the direction of her life. My daughter’s birth mother is someone with whom I feel a deep connection. I am forever thankful to her for her sacrifice and for not aborting Hong Mei or allowing her to be killed at birth so that as a birth mother she would not have to face the lifelong heartache of not knowing the fate of her child. The Chinese have a saying that a private sorrow of this magnitude is like a “broken arm hidden in a sleeve”. For this reason I pray at night for Hong Mei’s birth mother that somehow the Holy Spirit will be able to comfort her and let her know that Hong Mei lives, is safe and well.
We started our adoption paperwork in May 2006; in July 2006 we received our daughter’s file. We went about our adoption differently than most families. Typically an adoptive family will complete their paperwork and wait eighteen months or more for the Chinese government officials to select a baby and to send them a referral file that has the picture and information of that healthy baby. We instead wanted to adopt a waiting child. A waiting child is a child that is older or has special needs. A waiting child’s files are ready and waiting for a family to select them. Typically the process is much faster, but comes with greater challenges.
A big part of my research was to get comfortable with what ever special need my child would have. I researched spina bifida, cleft palate and lip, Hepatitis, and various other special needs. We had just filled out the first of our paperwork when in July 2006 the new waiting child list came out. A new list of waiting children comes out about every three or four months. The list includes pictures and a brief synopsis about each child. Once we had approval from our agency, we could access the list and apply for a child. On the morning the list was released, I got on the web and started going through the list and submitting applications. As soon as a child is matched with a prospective parent, the child’s file goes off of active status. I reviewed the list of about twenty-five children. In a few minutes, I had filled out a request forms stating that we would be willing to adopt any one of five girls on the list. This was the only time that I felt badly about the process. After all, how many parents get to “pick” their child after I finished the application, I went into the bathroom and threw up.
Later that day, the social worker called and told us that they felt that we would be good parents for two year old Hong Mei with a special need of Hepatitis B. They faxed us her file. We looked at a few pictures of our beautiful daughter. Hong Mei was dressed in traditional padded clothes with spilt pants. She looked up passively and forlorn at the camera as her picture was snapped. Her report from her caretaker told us that she was “a handful”. We were in love!! I have no idea the criteria for us to be matched with Hong Mei. Every day it seems to be more of a miracle and a blessing that she was given to us.
We rushed to finish the long and complicated process of getting our file together. We finished our home study. This is a process where a social worker determines if you are/will be fit parents. Both Mike, our oldest son and I under went extensive background checks. Mike even had to fess up that he was once had a mug shot and fingerprints taken because of an expired driver’s license. We ordered copies of our (including the kids) birth and marriage certificates. Everyone had a physical and reports were written that everyone is healthy. We applied for Hong Mei’s immigrant status and our travel visas. When this was all completed every page had to be notarized and then certified by the county, state and Federal government. Our file was then sent to be certified and approved by the Chinese embassy. Finally all the t’s were crossed and the i’s dotted and our file was sent off to China. We waited for almost six months for the Chinese officials to tell us when we could travel to pick up our child. During the time we waited we had her picture taped to the fridge and every day we prayed that she was safe and well-cared for. When word finally came, we were told to be in China in three weeks. (There is no negotiation about travel dates. The Chinese government is not used to making accommodations.) In retrospect those three weeks were a whirlwind as we prepared for our journey of love to Hong Mei.
Having had biological children and now an adopted child I can witness that I had the same feelings while “paper pregnant” for my adopted daughter as for my biological children. I do have to add that many people thought we had lost our minds. After all we had four children already; our oldest was already an adult. We were starting over with a toddler with both of us in our mid-forties. Nevertheless we felt that we were called of God to be Hong Mei’s family; and whom God calls He qualifies.
We flew to LA were we met up with other families traveling to China. It was easy to pick each other out from among the Chinese traveling home and the regular American tourists. We flew to Beijing via Guangzhou and met up with the forty-four other families with our agency. The next day we enjoyed a wonderful day of sight-seeing in Beijing. It took my breath away to see Tiananmen Square, The Forbidden City, where in the early part of the 1900’s David O McKay set apart the country of China for the preaching of the Gospel, and The Great Wall.
We flew from Beijing with two other families to the province where our daughters were living. The next morning we boarded a van and went a short distance to a government building to await the arrival of our children. Our small group was the first of many groups of families who received their children that day. The two other families that traveled with us received their daughters’ moments after arriving. We had the blessed opportunity to witness the miracle of their “Gotcha Day” along with other families that were there. Every fifteen minutes or so a group of orphanage workers, each carrying a precious daughter or son, entered the large room and sat in chairs against the wall. A few minutes later a group of expectant parents joined them as the officials introduced the parents to their children. Time was given for the new family to get better acquainted; questions were asked and then the new families would leave. Watching the process from near a window were I had staked out a spot where I hoped to get my first glimpse of my daughter as she would have arrived in the parking lot. It was like watching the ebb of the tides in the ocean. At times the room was swollen with people and then emptied out briefly before the swell would begin again. The sacred joy in that room was overwhelming. The spirit in that room was more palatable than I have ever had in any Temple of the Lord or any other place I have ever been. Surely the angels rejoiced that day as many of Heavenly Father’s precious children were given the gift of family.
We were ushered into a smaller room as more people were poured into the main conference room. About 45 minutes after we arrived, a call came that Hong Mei was in the house. The group of people standing near the door parted the way as a small confident little girl sauntered in. Her hair was cut short and styled in tight pigtails. Her eyes were big in her thin face. She wore a green Minnie mouse outfit and she carried a large red backpack. She came to me calling us Mama and Baba. I gave her the doll we had brought to win her love. She immediately took the doll and began to undress it just like any good little Mama. I scooped her up in my arms and soon we left the government building. Our little daughter was happy until we got to our hotel room. When we closed the door to our hotel room, it was as if a door closed on Hong Mei’s previous world. It was there that the grieving and the attachment process began. She burst into tears and cries that did not subside for the rest of the day. Hong Mei’s cries were not easy to bear and we mourned her loss with her. She cried for “Grandma” who was her principle caretaker. We tried to win her love with food and toys. Lotion ultimately calmed her down and she was able to sleep. She woke the next morning, looked around and realized she was still in her new world, and the tears began again. The first few days were difficult, but the outbursts grew shorter and less frequent every day. For as long as we were in her home town Hong Mei did not want to be in the hotel room.
We had to stay in Hong Mei’s city for almost a week while we waited for her Chinese passport. This gave us an opportunity to get familiar with Hong Mei’s home town, an industrial city of about two million people. On one of our free days we visited her orphanage. The building from the street was attractive, but inside we found that the living conditions were dismal. The orphanage lacked heat, air-conditioning, seasonable clothes, enough food, toys, and attention. Forever seared into my mind will be the images of babies strapped into little brown chairs. Their diapers were open and the chairs had little potties built-in to catch their poop. Flies crawled on their faces and flew around their heads, scabies covered their little faces, and their expressions were blank. The director was discussing with one of the nannies there about a baby that was dying and if they took the long drive into the hospital whether they would make it or not.
We flew to Guangzhou, where the U.S. Consulate is located. We needed several days in Guangzhou to process her immigration papers. For our entire time in China (nearly two weeks) Hong Mei would only go to Mike (Baba). Mama was something akin to stinky cheese. My efforts to bond with her were met with biting, pinching and hitting. This phase of attachment was something I was ready for because of my research. I was prepared to wait her out. Bless Mike’s heart he packed that baby in his arms everywhere we went, fed her and got her to sleep. While we were in Hong Mei’s hometown we took Hong Mei out and walked the streets. Often the locals would approach us, since Hong Mei is very verbal for a three year old; she would explain why she was with these two white people. After we arrived in Guangzhou someone who spoke Chinese explained to us that she was telling people, “This is Baba (pointing to Mike). I love Baba and Baba loves me. This is Mama (pointing to me). I do not love Mama and Mama does not love me. Then she would launch into a litany of crimes that I had committed, such as dressing her in ugly clothes, not feeding or holding her etc… it was now understandable why I got funny looks from people.
It was in the Marriott Hotel in Los Angeles that I finally won the trust and love of my little girl. While her beloved Baba was in the shower I said to Hong Mei, “Mama ai ee (love) Hong Mei. Hong Mei ai ee Mama?” She nodded her dear little head and threw her arms around my neck. Since that day we have become best friends.
Hong Mei was in generally good health when we got her. She weighed only 11 kilograms (about 24 pounds) and was the skinniest 3 year old we had ever seen. She had been classified as “special needs” because she is Hepatitis-B positive. Because of the research I had done, we noticed her funny dimple on her tail bone area and knew that she probably had mild spina bifida. Our suspicions were confirmed when we consulted with doctors in the states. We look at adoption the same way we do natural child birth. There are no guarantees in life. In our eyes, Hong Mei is perfect.
In the three months since our “Gotcha Day” we can not believe the progress she has made. She is happy, loving, bright, energetic, funny and a wonderful daughter and sister. She has blessed the lives of our other children. My other kids are well aware of the great blessing of family. They understand that not all children have parents, food to eat, or warm beds to sleep in. For them they know that they are truly blessed. She is loved by her family and she tells us that she loves us as well. The journey to Hong Mei was sweet, never difficult. We are so thankful to God for giving us the miracle of this child.
I ask of those who read our adoption experience please, for the sake for the waiting children of the world, say a heartfelt prayer. If your answer is yes, ask God where in the great big world your child is; and then open your mind and heart to the possibilities that your child is not in the U.S., not with LDS Social Services, not white. Then imagine one of your children in the same circumstances as I described. With God’s help you will find a way. The journey will be sweet and God will help you overcome any obstacles in your path.
Joanna graduated from BYU with a degree in elementary education. She taught school in the early grades for several years. She now resides with her husband Mike and five children in the southeastern United States. She currently has an article published in the Sunstone Summer 2007 edition.
Joanna,
Thanks for sharing your story.
“I pray at night for Hong Mei’s birth mother that somehow the Holy Spirit will be able to comfort her and let her know that Hong Mei lives, is safe and well.”
I am sure she is feeling that comfort you want for her. That has been my experience with prayer. I love reading this and Janet’s adoption story. I love seeing how prayer plays such a significant role and how everything falls into place, miraculously. I love seeing how the spirit works for families to just know a child is to be theirs. My sister is adopting tiwns which are due shortly. Through the spirit, she just knew for sure she would be getting twins even before the family that picked her told her it was twins.
I think it is funny you feel old in your forties having a toddler. It seems like a very sensible time to adopt a toddler to me.
Comment by mami — August 23, 2007 @ 1:30 am
A touching story, though it is discouraging that the hurdles are so high for those who would do the world a service.
Comment by Peter LLC — August 23, 2007 @ 5:20 am
The desire to save children from the squalor and filth you found them in is such a noble one - and I agree with Peter that it’s too bad that it isn’t easier to adopt. I think the high costs and restrictions limit those whose hearts desire to adopt abroad but simply can’t.
And I would guess that God won’t direct everyone to adopt. It’s not everyone’s calling. I have four children (the oldest a teenager) and my husband and I have discussed adopting but received no indication through prayer that that’s what we should do.
Comment by Rebekah — August 23, 2007 @ 7:45 am
Thank you Mami for your kind comment. We got lots of comments before and even now. In the international adoption community there are many of us older parents. In our travel group there were several couples older than us. One family that stands out in my mind had five other children and they were adopting a pre-schooler. They were both pediatricians. Their youngest was nineteen. Our oldest is nineteen. I asked them why. They said that they missed having a little kid at home. In retrospect it was better that we waited until our other kids were older. They bring to the experience patience and understanding of their little sister.
Thanks Peter. The hurdles are relative. We had just spent a few years in scouting (fair amount of paper work) and getting our oldest into a university (equal to the adoption paperwork). Right after we got Hong Mei’s paperwork done we did mission paper work (not so much). Paper work was our lifestyle.
The adoption cost including home study, fees, and travel expenses was about $20,000. This seems like a lot, but the costs were spread out over a year. Normally most people have their costs spread out over two years. There is also an $11,000 tax credit that can be extended over three years after you return with your child to help with expenses. Many corporations also help pay for costs. Also China is one of the priciest countries. It used to be the cheapest.
Ethiopia has just opened up. The cost including travel is about $15,000. The time is about a year. The travel time is about a week. We were amazed at how we were able to pay for it all.
As for restrictions (depends on individual situations); it can be less restrictive to go international.
For more information on the process, cost and qualifications see: http://www.childrenshopeint.org/ or http://www.holtintl.org .
Rebekah- we waited for seven years for the right time. Stuff kept happening that we thought was insurmountable. In retrospect it just wasn’t time for us to go and get her. Just be patient, IF adoption is God’s plan for your family I testify that it will happen. Just keep praying with an open heart.
Comment by JA Benson — August 23, 2007 @ 8:51 am
Sometimes I wonder if there is a right or wrong in these matters. Clearly sometimes there is. I wonder though if simply wanting to help out is enough–and maybe we wait too long to help, because we are waiting for an answer that won’t come. It is hard for me to think of times when God would say, “No, don’t help this person.”
Of course we must use good judgement in regards to our circumstances, etc–but sometimes maybe our own circumstances become an excuse, rather than a reason, not to help? I wonder about these lines all the time.
Comment by mami — August 23, 2007 @ 10:08 am
I really enjoyed reading your experience. My cousin adopted two little babies from China (a boy and a girl) a few years ago. She has 8 kids (I think?) so everyone was wondering why they were doing it. But I think it was just something they felt they were supposed to do. She said that when filling out the paper work, adoptive parents are encouraged to request one more child than they think they want. Because when you are looking for your child, so often more than one will catch your eye. I think they went to the orphanage first to “pick” their babies, and it was true! They became so attached to two babies, they were glad they requested two. But after that, I think they had to wait almost an entire year to actually get their babies. But now they have them, and they’re the cutest little kids!
I have always felt like I would adopt, and my husband has too. We have discussed when and from where we would adopt. It’s interesting how we have both felt that we are meant to do that. I don’t know when it will happen– we’ve only been married two years. But I think someday there will be a child waiting for us in another country.
Comment by courtney — August 23, 2007 @ 10:18 am
Bless you, Joanna. I loved reading your story. I’m one of those bleeding hearts who wants to save all the children everywhere but who is already an inept incompetent airhead in just my little sphere. Thank you for making such a big difference in the world. I hope you will write more about Hong Mei in the future.
Comment by Idahospud — August 23, 2007 @ 10:59 am
I wonder too #5 Mami. Sometimes I think that we over think things and don’t do what is right because we think that it is too hard or inconvenient. So we contribute our scared feelings to God. An example could be the Parable of The Good Samaritan. I am notorious for doing this.
Sometimes I think that God says, “No don’t because I have someone else in mind. One family came to mind. We traveled to Hong Mei’s hometown with two other families who were adopting special needs toddlers. One family had a child with cleft palate and the other child a type of spina bifida that causes fluid in the skull. Both children’s conditions were very mild. The little girl with the spina bifida I had watched her story from afar. She was on the list before Hong Mei. One of the social workers at our adoption agency told me that when her referral was posted on the website fifteen families requested to look at her file. She was exceptionally beautiful so there was a lot of interest. One by one they all dropped out until the last family took her. That family traveled all the way to China had her for less than 24 hours and left her there returning home to the US. They felt that she was autistic.
Usually when this occurs the orphan is returned to the system and the file is closed. The adoption agency begged the officials for another try. Our traveling companions’ saw her file and had a strong impression that this was their child. The mother in this story is a speech pathologist. During the time they requested her file and they traveled to China the child was taken to a Chinese specialist and was determined to be hearing impaired.
We spent a week with this adorable little princess. She made eye contact, was very well behaved, loved her Daddy and liked her Mama. She was obviously bright and very dear. Her parents rejoiced that they were able to add her to their family and that the Chinese government gave this child another chance. I think that this was a case of God saying, “No not for you, but for someone else”. Because of this mother’s training; this family was comfortable with the hearing impaired. They started sign language while in China. This dear little girl responded well.
Comment by JA Benson — August 23, 2007 @ 12:46 pm
Thank you#6 Courtney. If it is meant to be it will happen. Keep your options open.
Bless you too#7 Idahospud. I understand airheads. I am kinda one myself. Hong Mei is one of my favorite subjects because she is so funny.
Comment by JA Benson — August 23, 2007 @ 12:49 pm
Joanna,
Thanks for sharing your experience. She is beautiful, and I’m thrilled that everything worked out for adding her to your family.
Comment by re:becca — August 23, 2007 @ 1:20 pm
Joanna,
Congrats! I loved reading your story and how timely it is for me. We’re leaving tomorrow morning for Russia to meet our hopefully new daughter. She lives in an orphanage in Ekaterinburg, a 2.5 hour flight from Moscow. If we meet her and feel it’s a connection, we’ll return in November to bring her home. It’s pricey (about $40k after all is said and done, including travel) but worth every penny. She’ll be two years old next month.
My daughter was also adopted from Russia, brought her home when she was 26 months old. She’s seven now and funny, bright, super cute, athletic, charming… I could go on for pages.
Going to an orphanage in a developing nation is truly an eye opening experience. Saving my daughter from a life of uncertainty was the best experience of my life. Like another poster stated above, I can’t imagine God would ever give us a “no” when we ask if we should help one of his most helpless children whom he loves so much and desperately needs a home, love, and hope. Not everyone can do it– it’s expensive. And it requires travel to sometimes mysterious lands. But it’s worth it beyond your imagination. I thank God every day that he led me down the path of adopting overseas. I, too, think of my daughter’s birth mom and hope she knows that the child she brought into the world is dearly loved and very well taken care of and is thriving in every way.
Congrats again. And thanks for being an ambassador for adoption. Thanks to my willingness to share my story, a co-worker has started the adoption process, too. Another child saved.
Comment by Lulubelle — August 23, 2007 @ 4:07 pm
Oh Lulubelle good Luck!! God bless you in your travel. We will be praying for your family. Please let me know how it goes: joannabenson at Comcast dot net
Comment by JA Benson — August 23, 2007 @ 5:15 pm
Lulubelle–Godspeed! May you and your daughter fall thoroughly in love.
Joanna–thanks for sharing the story of your adoption journey. DH and i want to adopt internationally at some point, but i admit that the idea of a child not bonding with me scares me silly, and I also fear having a complete mental breakdown when confronted with the sight you describe where poor little babies simply lack adequate care. It would be so hard not to try and bring all of them home….
I’d write more but I have to pack for the snacker. Hong Mei is beautiful! And so are you.
Comment by Janet — August 23, 2007 @ 5:34 pm
i wish that youhelp me in my problem
Comment by santos arriel — August 23, 2007 @ 6:12 pm
Your description of the picture of Hong Mei is right on, and so nice that she is still Hong Mei! I really feel for all those dear little Chinese girls who are imidiately revamped as Graces, Sarahs, and Jennifers.
Do you agree with the agencies assessment that she is a “handful”? I love personality.
Comment by a spectator — August 23, 2007 @ 8:02 pm
Janet,
About that whole bonding thing; sometimes it takes awhile. When my oldest child Elder Benson (he is on a mission) was born we both had a scary delivery. We both ended up in guarded condition. When they finally gave him to me after a day or so I did not feel that motherly rush of love. I did not dislike him, I just didn’t love him. A few weeks later I realized one day that I really loved that baby. I miss him so much right now. The trick is to fake it until you make it.
I knew that the orphanages were rough; I just did not realized just how rough. We were all in a state of shock. The van ride back was quiet. The mother with the deaf child was the most shaken as she realized just how close her daughter came to spending the rest of her childhood there and possibly her adulthood as well. I tell you it changes your life. I will never take the blessings of my life granted ever again. If you choose to go international make sure that you go with a reputable agency. It can make all the difference.
Comment by JA Benson — August 23, 2007 @ 8:25 pm
a spectator,
We gave her an American name to go a along with her Chinese name. She wants to be called Hong Mei, so that is what she is for now. She can change if she wants to. Chinese in America usually have two names so we went with their example. I feel bad too when parents completely change their name. These kids have so little it is sad to me to take anything away.
She is defiantly a handful. Her picture is sweet and very deceiving. We thought, “Oh they are exaggerating. Nobody that looks that sweet can be that bad.” HA! HA! I can testify that she bites, hits, and pinches hard. She really does not do any of that anymore. She is still quite a dominant little spirit. She learned to be tough to survive. We think that this is the real kid. Most kids take about two months to settle in. She looks to be typical in that area.
We think that the country of China was probably hi-fiveing each other when we took her out of China. We think that she was meant to be an American. Hong Mei is too independent to have stayed in China. She would have either been the leader of the Chinese Mafia or the next leader of revolutionaries charging onto Tiananmen Square.
Comment by JA Benson — August 23, 2007 @ 8:49 pm
santos arriel,
What is the problem? If you need to write in Spanish, please do as Mike can speak some.
Comment by JA Benson — August 23, 2007 @ 8:50 pm
Joanna, what I’d really like to do is simply start and run a small children’s home for orphans and abandonned kids somewhere like Ghana. (We have a friend who used to be in the gov’t there and who would maybe be able to help us) DH is a doctor and I’m a trained teacher so in some ways it seems a great fit. Plus I’ve wanted to live in Africa since i was 14. Now if only I could recruit an immune system to match all my grandiose ideas….
Some of our best friends adopted two little girls from Chine–one has a similar disposition to Hong Mei, and the other is the easiest to please gentle little thing. I thought probably those two personality types were best suited to survive an orphanage. I’m just so glad they didn’t have to do so for any longer than they did.
Comment by Janet — August 23, 2007 @ 9:13 pm
Johanna,
I too was pleased she retains her name. It REALLY bothers me when kids are adopted and their names changed. I really appreciate seeing your honesty aboout bonding too. I have seen way too many adoptions with unreaitic expectations thrown onto a child. It makes it difficult for everyone involved.
Comment by mami — August 23, 2007 @ 9:50 pm
My DH and I are *very* interested in adoption as we have struggled with secondary infertility (and just had our own miracle baby this year). We’ll have to wait until we’re better off financially before we can even seriously think about it though.
I was wondering if anyone can tell me why the international governments make potential parents wait for so long. If a mother relinquishes a girl baby as a newborn because she wants to have a son, why does the government keep those children? Why can’t they be adopted until they’re two or three years old?
I’d love to go adopt a baby before they were strapped in a chair and had to experience all that. It’s too horrible to even comprehend.
Comment by Sariah — August 23, 2007 @ 10:41 pm
I mostly lurk here, but I wanted to thank you for your beautiful story. As a foster and soon to be adoptive mom of a beautiful 9 month old biracial baby, I want to add that you don’t have to leave the U.S., or even spend a lot of money, to make a HUGE difference in the life of a child right here in the U.S., in your city, wherever you are. There are so many kids in all colors, shapes, sizes, and ages, who need a safe, loving home. Many of them have special needs, and many of them may have a hard time attaching at first, because they have had a rough start in life. But they are beautiful, with endless potential just like everyone else.
You don’t have to save up money to foster/adopt kids through foster care. In fact you receive a living allowance for them until the adoption is final, and sometimes beyond because of special needs. You do have to go through a long process with paperwork, home studies, classes, etc. But from start to finish if you go with fostering, you can have a child placed with you within 6-9 months of starting the process (at least in my state).
It is not for everyone, probably, but going through this process has been incredible for me. I wouldn’t trade our baby girl for anything in the world. I also have a biological daughter, and they both just feel like “mine.” I also agree with the sentiment that if anyone feels touched to help children through adoption (any kind) or help children in need in any way, they should go for it. I don’t think you can go wrong when you follow your feelings to do good.
Comment by Sunni — August 23, 2007 @ 11:06 pm
Congratulations, Joanna! Your daughter is absolutely beautiful. You are both very blessed to be together.
Anybody trying to build a family through adoption should go where they feel called or drawn to go. That’s the only way to make that heart-wrenching decision.
We’re working on foster care and possible adoption right now, like Sunni. Because that’s where our hearts led us. I’m writing my foster mothering story up in hopes of submitting it here soon.
Comment by Ana — August 23, 2007 @ 11:11 pm
This will be short as I have to finish packing. Our flight leaves in a few short hours and I’m staying up all night so I’ll be tired enough to sleep on the plane. My first daughter who was adopted at 26 months. Every child is different but I can only tell you mine. We were told that she was shy, weary of strangers, and had bonded with one of the orphanage workers. I thought “oh boy, this ought to be a really ‘fun’ transition!” and prepped myself for a few days of sheer terror. What a surprise! Zero bonding issues whatsoever. When we got custody of her, she didn’t cry. She fell asleep in my arms in the van on the drive back to Moscow (9 brutally long hours). The first time she cried in terror was when I gave her a bath. It took two weeks for her to get used to baths and when she did, she cried when I took her out of the tub. Now she’s a dolphin and will literally stay in our pool for up to 10 hours at a time swimming with her friends. I am only hoping and praying my next daughter is so easy but you never know.
I have met many others who adopted and while there are unhappy or hard stories out there, for the most part, they are fewer than you think. Usually the bad stories are the ones that get reported on the most.
As for the question above on why it takes so long. I can speak for Russia. Basically, it’s by the Russian’s grace that we get to take their kids out of their country and raise them as Americans. The Russian birthrate is declining so I feel lucky to be able to adopt at all. Add that to the slowness to get a child declared fully dependent on the state, red tape, and the fact that kids at newborn who are abandoned get six to ten months to be on a national registry only in case a Russian wants to adopt. Then they go onto an international registry. It’s crazy, especially with the cost to adopt. But… well, it’s the best money I’ve ever spent. I look at my dear daughter and think “a new BMW or her” and that’s a very easy choice.
Best of luck to those who are considering adoption. Yes, visiting an orphanage is heartbreaking but then again… it’s not. When you’re taking one of those kids out of that environment forever, it makes it so incredibly gratifying. literally it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.
Comment by lulubelle — August 23, 2007 @ 11:42 pm
Saraih #21,
I think that the China adoption process is similar to Russia. The government workers do not have computers and they have a lot of paperwork. When a baby is found there is a period of time that they wait to see if the birth parents turn up. This very rarely happens, but sometimes it does happen. The baby is then a ward of the province. Then it is up to the director of the orphanage to see that the paper work is filed properly for children that he/she deems adoptable. We were in a group of 44 or so families. 15 of those kids were older. Only three of the fifteen were toddlers. All the rest were babies of around a year old.
We initially wanted an older child say 5-6 year old. The other four girls that we requested the files for were 4 and 5. I actually thought Hong Mei was older say three. I went thru that list so fast because I didn’t want to “choose”. I was looking for disabilities that I believed that we would be comfortable with.
In retrospect I think that one of the reasons Hong Mei was adopted later was that she was in “treatment” for Hep B and they waited to make sure she got better. Also I believe that the people at her orphanage loved her and if she had spina bifida and Hep B it would have been less likely that she would not have been adopted. I shutter to think that now I would have passed her over thinking one disability not two. I am just so glad that we did our research. Neither spina bifida nor hep b is something to be scared of. We just have to keep on top of both conditions with regular check-ups.
Comment by JA Benson — August 24, 2007 @ 9:31 am
Janet #19,
What a wonderful goal. Many humanitarian organizations have started as a dream. Check out http://www.halfthesky.org/ Half the Sky Foundation began in the late 90’s. I have watched from afar the amazing work these wonderful ladies from Berkley, California have managed to accomplish in a few short years.
Comment by JA Benson — August 24, 2007 @ 9:51 am
#22 Sunni and #23 Ana,
Thanks so much for your wonderful comments. You are so right fostering and adopting American kids is wonderful. We have had a few friends and acquaintances that have gone this route. I honestly think that it is God who directs where you go to get your child. This is not just LDS beliefs because this is a viewpoint expressed over and over in the adoption community. The trick is to be pliable enough that you can be led by the Holy Spirit.
Comment by JA Benson — August 24, 2007 @ 10:21 am
Lovely comment #24 Lulubelle. I am reminded of the story of the starfish. A certain man is walking along the beach. The previous tide had dumped hundreds of starfish gasping for oxygen onto the sand. The man observes a young boy bending down and tossing the starfish one by one into the ocean. The man hollers at the boy, “it doesn’t matter you can’t save all the starfish”. The boy bends down grabs a starfish and throws it into the ocean. As the starfish arches over the water and then returns to the ocean; the boy hollers back, “it matters to that one.” There is an ocean of these kids scattered in the big world. We save who we can.
Comment by JA Benson — August 24, 2007 @ 10:41 am
JA Benson,
Great post. I as a rule find that adoption is in clear harmony with the gospel. The HG can prompt us to adopt a child rather then bear our own in my opinion. BY and JS adopted children as have many of my friends. May the Lord bless you as you raise Hong.
I am glad to read stories like yours here on FMH. The other Mom stories ahve been pretty good as well.
By the way what Benson family are you? I have Benson ancestory. My Benson line was secretly baptized in Denmark and their home was burned down by a mob prior to fleeing to Zion. They arrrived in the 1850’s.
Comment by bbell — August 24, 2007 @ 1:09 pm
About other countries being slow:
You have to understand, too, that these coutries are generally reluctant to let go of their babies. They realize that these children are marvelous contributors to their countries and they hate to admit that other countries can do it better or help. I think this is only natural. I think the process is hard, in part, to give native parents and relatives a chance to get their act together and take care of their own.
It is interesting to me that the US exports babies–mostly non-white ones. I wonder how America would react to the thought healthy white kids being adopted out to Japan or Argentina.
Comment by a spectator — August 24, 2007 @ 1:22 pm
bbell,
So nice to hear from you. Thanks for your comments. You are one of my favorite people. Our Benson family was the first to join the Church (sniff, sniff :)) in Indiana in 1832. The Bensons moved to Missouri, Nauvoo and then on to Utah. They were a colorful frontier family.
Hong Mei is a bonus as we would not have had any more kids.
As for JS and By; Mike has an ancestor named Lois Smith. Lois’s entire family died during that whole Malaria thing. Joseph’s family then raised her. When Joseph died Brigham’s family finished raising her.
Comment by JA Benson — August 24, 2007 @ 2:13 pm
Thanks Spectator you are right. One more story. I had brought along a small American flag for Hong Mei to wave during the swearing in ceremony. Before I met her, I thought of her as this sweet little girl who would nicely wave the flag. Well of course the real Hong Mei turned the flag into a weapon, so I confiscated it from her.
Later she found the flag while we were at the airport. She waved it with all her might. Mike took it from her as he felt that it was rubbing people’s nose in the fact we were taking one of their own to be raised as an American.
Comment by JA Benson — August 24, 2007 @ 2:21 pm
Hey,
Don’t try and one up me on ancestory He he :)))
One of my family lines was at the original church org meeting in Palmyra in 1830. Of Course they went inactive for 4 generations but hey who is counting.
That Benson Surname is funny in the church. There are a whole bunch of different family lines and not many of them are related
Comment by bbell — August 24, 2007 @ 2:42 pm
Hong Mei’s one lucky girl. God bless and good on you.
Comment by Chino Blanco — August 24, 2007 @ 3:06 pm
BBell, I love Church history and looking at census and membership records. People are always asking, “are ya’ll (we are in the south) kin to Ezra Taft Benson?” So I did a little research on the Bensons of the Church. Our bunch of course was the first. Ezra T. and his bunch was the second to join in Nauvoo. The rest mainly came from England and Denmark to Utah. I guess there are lots of us and we are not necessarily related.
Who is your illustrious Palmyra 1830 meetin’ family member?
Thanks Chino Blanco.
Comment by JA Benson — August 24, 2007 @ 5:27 pm
We have a granddaughter from China. When her parents first announced they were pursuing a Chinese adoption it instantly seemed right. We have no other connections to China but this one seemed so right that I just cannot imagine an adoption from anywhere else in the world feeling quite the same. She was just over 9 months old when she came to America.
Just a couple of observations beyond what has already been said on this thread. When we met the plane arriving from China our little girl immediately came to me. I think I was just one more person in a long list of persons who had held her/taken care of her. A month later in the temple for her sealing, she was much more discriminating. She wanted her parents and her parents only, even as I and her other grandmother dressed her for this great occasion and held her hand over her parents’ hands for the sealing. As distressing as it was to have her crying through the sealing it was also a moment to rejoice that she had so completely and quickly bonded to her new family and they to her, as well.
At her formal naming and blessing her birth mother was specifically remembered and prayed for with blessings of comfort and peace to know that her little one had made a “soft landing.”
Our little girl, now 5 ½ , like others mentioned, is dynamic and strong willed. Is China deliberately sending these potential “revolutionaries” away? If so they have perhaps misread the future. I find myself frequently wondering what these strong willed young women will collectively do when they realize the circumstances that forced them from their birth homes? Will they someday be a force that will call China to account for centuries of devaluing women and specifically themselves? How might this play out? In any case I do not believe that their being here is by chance.
Comment by Marjorie Conder — August 24, 2007 @ 8:58 pm
JA Benson, Your story is wonderful. Kudos to you and your husband. Keep up the good work. love Rebecca Smith
Comment by JA Benson — August 24, 2007 @ 9:21 pm
Thank you Rebecca Smith I love you too.
Thank you Marjorie for your witness. We look forward to taking Hong Mei to the Temple to be sealed to us as a family. We will take her after my son returns from his mission in two years. Hopefully by then she won’t cause a ruckus in the Temple.
I have wondered about your comment “Is China deliberately sending these potential “revolutionaries” away? If so they have perhaps misread the future. I find myself frequently wondering what these strong willed young women will collectively do when they realize the circumstances that forced them from their birth homes? Will they someday be a force that will call China to account for centuries of devaluing women and specifically themselves? How might this play out? In any case I do not believe that their being here is by chance.”
This is a powerful statement and has lingered on my mind all weekend. I too believe that “lost daughters and a few sons of China” were brought here by divine intervention. MY hope for Hong Mei is that she will someday be able to teach the Gospel to her people. China is in desperate need of the Gospel.
Comment by JA Benson — August 27, 2007 @ 2:53 pm
I’m sitting at my desk in tears - thank you for sharing your beautiful story and photo.
Comment by AmyK — August 28, 2007 @ 10:47 am
Thank you Amy K. You’ve made my day!
Comment by JA Benson — August 29, 2007 @ 9:48 am
I love this article, very touching. The picture is so cute.
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Comment by Andy Zhang — August 29, 2007 @ 2:06 pm
[…] earlier version of this essay was posted on the LDS group blog Feminist Mormon Housewives, 23 August […]
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