Mother’s Day for the for the Motherless and Infertile
by: Spunky
About me: I was born into the church outside of Utah but did time in Utah as all good Mormon girls do. I am now married and live in Australia, and my post reveals more about me than I could ever write in this summary.This post is the most revealing thing I think I have ever written about my life.
As Mother’s Day approaches, the concept of motherhood and mothering cannot be avoided. Greeting cards for mothers, Grandmothers, and even Fathers who have been the “mother” at home appear on the shelves. As usual,I search for the plainest, most dull card around-sometimes even getting a blank card with a flower on the front. I write on the inside, “Happy Mother’s Day”, sign it and send it to my mother.
I have had a strained relationship with my mother stemming from abuse as a child. At best, I speak to her twice a year- and that is plenty for me. When I was 15, and finally starting to overcome and look forward to exiting my painful home life, I was diagnosed with Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser Syndrome- in my case, I have no uterus (but I have fabulous fully-functioning ovaries). Quite in character, my mother began a series of lectures on how I was evil in the pre-existence, how children were being protected from me because I would be a terrible mother, how God choose to punish me in “this way”, how adopted children were violent/bad/sickly (therefore the reason they were up for adoption) and accusations of unchaste behavior.
Soaking all of this in and fully believing that no man would ever want to marry me, I stopped going to church on Mother’s Day. I hated my mother and never would be a mother- so why go? I could not stand and receive a carnation as a “future mother”. I could not bear testimony of my adoration for my mother. If there was ever a place I did not belong, it was in church on Mother’s Day.
A few years later, having left home but remaining active at church (because I had a testimony, though seriously doubted and disbelieved my own worthiness for membership), I queried an Institute teacher about how to not be sealed to one’s family. I did not want to be “sealed” to my parents, though I loved my father, who died when I was 18, my sense of betrayal, resentment and frankly, downright hated for my mother was keeping me from emotionally progressing. I didn’t date returned missionaries for fear they might see through my inherit wickedness and demand to know why I had not repented for whatever I had done to beg the infertility curse from God. I assumed that –other than apostasy- there must be some way I could be “un-sealed” from my parents. This startled my sweet -almost elderly- institute teacher, and he invited me in to his office to talk about why I might not want to be sealed to my parents.
The meeting was short, yet profound. I briefly told him who I really was. (Keep in mind, my mother taught me some very warped and incorrect things about sealings - i.e. children are sealed to their parents as virtual slaves for eternity). This sweet institute teacher told me that I need to be eternally grateful to my mother for giving birth to me. Beyond that, he said, ‘You owe her nothing”. I was knocked out. I owed her nothing but gratitude for birth. I cannot express how liberating that was for me… and yet, how difficult it was to come to terms with being grateful to her for giving birth to me. Since the age of 7, I had been boarder-line suicidal, finding myself jealous when I heard people being diagnosed with cancer, and being killed in car accidents (no kidding!). I thought I had no reason to live. Somehow, this advice liberated me. I was not trapped as an eternal slave. I was infertile, but not trapped.
Through the next few years, I learned that I can forgive, but not have a relationship with my mother. And –get this- I AM grateful to her for a number of things. Wacky doctrine and abuse aside, she taught me about the Book of Mormon and how to sew and how to drive a car. Those things deserve an annual card with the words, “Happy Mother’s Day”, nothing else.
But the Mother’s Day church thing… still wasn’t okay with that. I was very uncomfortable sitting in sacrament meeting with people professing such gratitude for their parents and children- I realize now, I was deeply envious- they had mother who the believed with all their heart loved them and I was infertile. What was the point for me? So, about 10 years ago, as another horrific Mother’s Day approached, I decided to focus on nurturing and mothering- not the ability to bear a child, but the ability to love a child. I wrote heartfelt letters of gratitude to the Young Women leaders who taught me, my seminary teacher who I loved deeply and an aunt who had always listened to my hopes and fears without judgment. For the first time, Mother’s Day meant LOVE for me. I am eternally grateful to these women- who taught me about make-up, complimented me when I looked nice, and more importantly- one brilliant YW leader who told me that being infertile meant that I would really, truly marry a good man who would love me for me, not for my body. A few short years later, she was right, I did marry a wonderful man.
Finally with a extraordinary man at my side, the emptiness on Mother’s Day ended- and it simply became a day of primary talks, not directed at barren me. I could sit through the meeting without anger, though I still had sadness and a sense that perhaps if I were really a good person, I might deserve to be blessed with a child. It was all based on me being good—could I ever be good enough? How were these pregnant single mothers still “more blessed”, therefore more righteous than me? Then I read Following Christ. It hit me, somewhere in-between the pages of this book- that my infertility was a result of the fall of Adam- i.e. mortality. I had done nothing to offend God, I was not “blessed” with this challenge- I am simply- mortal! I am mortal! That is all! Not good, bad or otherwise- just human. 100% Dumb luck. What an epiphany! (I now think: “duh”!!!) But it took me ages to really learn this and apply it to me. Infertility wasn’t my fault. God didn’t hate me. He loves me. He wanted me to have everything, so He sent His Son. I FINALLY understood it, and begged His forgiveness for the past anger towards Him.
So now- Mother’s Day- I love it. My fabulous husband has always bought me cards, flowers and/or gifts on Mother’s Day because I am a mother in spirit, I am the woman of the house, I nurture, I love… and my husband is fabulous. I get to celebrate Mother’s Day as a holiday for me BECAUSE I am a woman. I understand now, that being a woman is all I ever needed to be maternal. I understand that not everyone is like me, emotionally, spiritually, physically. But we- as women- all are mothers in one way or another. Our potential for nurturing is beyond limit. At least, that is how I see it now.
So this year, I am looking forward to Mother’s Day with a greater joy than ever. If I were not infertile,. I would be considered well within child-bearing years, so I have time –and ability– to begin alternative processes of becoming a mother. I understand that infertility NEVER limited my ability to be a mother, it just meant I needed to take a different path. And there is nothing even remotely wrong with that.
One of the most profound conclusions that I have come to over these trying years is that a significant number of women also struggle with Mother’s Day. Perhaps they are adopted, and feel unsettled, of have lost a child, or lost a spouse, or feel motherhood as oppressing. For me, as soon as I decided that motherhood wasn’t about me and my experiences/limitations, but the celebration of nurturing in mother earth, in admiration of women who set tremendous examples for me, of the women sitting by me at church shushing their babies and of the elderly women who give me a kiss and a hug every Sunday just because they can—the character of nurturing- true motherhood- became more glorious and applicable to me than ever before.
Absolutely stunning. Can I ask, please, how old you are, Spunky? Knowing how long it takes me to recognize a way of thinking that holds me back, then figure out the truth, then implement it, then forgive … I’d be 300 years old before I could have achieved all you have just described.
This may be the most upbeat and encouraging Mother’s Day post I have ever seen. Thank you.
Comment by Ardis Parshall — May 7, 2008 @ 7:03 pm
Profound. Really great stuff. Thanks for sharing.
Comment by Mathew — May 7, 2008 @ 7:09 pm
Great post. Thanks for sharing.
Comment by Julie M. Smith — May 7, 2008 @ 7:14 pm
Thank you this is something I really needed to read. Mother’s Day has been a day I dread more and more each year as a childless woman.
Comment by Lisa O. — May 7, 2008 @ 7:15 pm
Wonderful post, Spunky! I actually logged on intending to write an ecouraging mothers day post for the audience in your title, but you beat me to the punch with a narrative far better than what I had in mind. Cheers!
Comment by Janet — May 7, 2008 @ 7:24 pm
. . . and I ADORE your idea of honoring Mother Earth on Mother’s Day. Excellent.
Comment by Janet — May 7, 2008 @ 7:25 pm
“My fabulous husband has always bought me cards, flowers and/or gifts on Mother’s Day because I am a mother in spirit, I am the woman of the house, I nurture, I love.”
Wonderful post, and this line particularly touched me! I find it amazing that you can overcome the things you were taught by your mother and come to truly love Mother’s Day. I really admire you for this. I have my own problems with my mother, and somehow cae to a similar conclusion that your seminary teacher did: I can be grateful that she gave me life, I can send her birthday cards/ mothers day cards/ christmas cards, and live with the knowledge that there were always wonderful women in my life that were teachers and examples to me. In fact, I look at their collective influence on me more as the idea of “mother” more than the woman wo gave birth to me, and I can finally do this without bitterness. These things can really take many years to overcome! Thank you for sharing your experience
Comment by POM — May 7, 2008 @ 7:27 pm
Thank you for sharing.
Comment by SAP — May 7, 2008 @ 7:28 pm
I think this might be my favorite MD post ever. Thank you so much for opening up your life and your heart here. I wish and pray you good luck and good speed and blessings on the next steps in your journey!!
Comment by Ana — May 7, 2008 @ 7:54 pm
Spunky, you taught me today. Thank you.
Comment by Idahospud — May 7, 2008 @ 7:56 pm
Thank you for this!
Comment by Melissa S. — May 7, 2008 @ 8:02 pm
Spunky, that was brilliant. I think that what you just wrote should be a talk in sacrament. I know that there is a lot of personal information in there, but how uplifting. Not the typical, “i have the best mother in the whole world” talk. A..”let’s get down to the meat” talk. One, that I bet, would move more than one person in the congregation…then again.. you have those weirdos.
Comment by Sunshine — May 7, 2008 @ 8:35 pm
I’m with Sunshine, this makes a much better Mother’s Day talk than the normal talk we’ve all heard a bazillion times over, with the same old stories and poems and lyrical waxings-on about The World’s Greatest Mother. Thank you for getting more to the heart of motherhood.
Comment by Quimby — May 7, 2008 @ 8:40 pm
Wow, Spunky. You are truly an incredible woman. Thanks for sharing this. I have my own reasons that Mother’s Day is difficult, this gives me some new perspectives to ruminate on. And, how exciting is this, there’s a peace rally here where I live to celebrate old school mother’s day (when Julia Ward Howe called on women to speak out against the presumably male vices of war and aggression)–I think this will be the most fun I’ve had on Mother’s Day in a long time. Thanks again.
Comment by Lessie — May 7, 2008 @ 9:03 pm
That is an amazing post. Thank you so much for sharing!
Comment by Mary — May 7, 2008 @ 9:03 pm
Thank you. That was amazing and something I needed to hear.
Comment by Kim — May 7, 2008 @ 9:12 pm
Thank you for a wonderful post. I have two questions for you that I have been thinking about for quite a while and praying about also.
First, I visit teach a sister who is dealing with infertility. We talk openly about it every time I visit her. I would like to get her something for Mother’s Day to recognize what an amazing woman she is and her unique gifts and talents. I want to make her feel like your husband makes you feel…but I’m not sure what is appropriate…a card, flowers, a gift? Any suggestions?
Secondly, I am pregnant and would like to let this sister know (no one else in the ward knows yet either). She has told me that it is very painful for her whenever she hears that someone she knows is pregnant. Is there a good way that I can share the news with her and respect her feelings? I don’t want her to find out from someone else and think that I avoided telling her.
Thank you!
Comment by BG — May 7, 2008 @ 9:12 pm
I feel humbled and honored to have had the privilege of reading this. Nothing else I can say right now will matter. This was perfect. Thank you.
Comment by teresa — May 7, 2008 @ 9:38 pm
That was amazing! Thank you so much for opening up to us and sharing. I’m not a mother or a wife but luckily I do have women in my life - sisters, a mother, grandmother and countless young women’s leaders - who have influenced me for good….even if I feel like this is a holiday that shows that I’m not living up to my “expectations” as viewed by our culture.
Comment by Kristy T — May 7, 2008 @ 9:42 pm
What a wonderful and touching post. It made me think of my aunt (my mom’s twin sister) who lives with my parents. She never had children and thinks of me and my brother and sister as her own. We always include her on Mother’s Day, but now I will make an even bigger effort to honor her for all the mothering she has done in her life.
Comment by Barb @ getupandplay — May 7, 2008 @ 9:48 pm
This is just wonderful Spunky, I’ve walked the same road and I really admire the conclusions you’ve come to.
Comment by reese — May 7, 2008 @ 10:21 pm
Wow. This was wonderful. Thank you.
Comment by Emily M. — May 7, 2008 @ 10:47 pm
This post alone makes reading this blog much more than worthwhile. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Comment by djinn — May 7, 2008 @ 11:02 pm
Wonderful. Thank you.
Comment by m&m — May 8, 2008 @ 12:09 am
Sorry to not have responded sooner, I was actually visiting teaching today- LOL. Thank you so much for all of your kind words and support. I really appreciate it, more than words on a blog could ever express.
#1 - I am 36 years old- sometimes I feel older and wiser, some days I feel pretty silly and young. Its fun to be both depedning on my mood.
#17- tough call on an appropriate gesture. For me, infertility doesn’t mean ‘no hope of being a mother’, it just means I have to work harder and in a different way, not that I am a bad person or unworthy. One of the Mother’s day cards I recieved a few years ago was addressed to “mother-in-embryo”- I loved it. No idea what the card said, just the idea of me as a mother in preparation was devine.
I would hope that you would be close enough to this sister to be able to tell her in person that you are pregnant. For me, I find that once people discover or suspect I have fertility issues, they avoid me or don’t tell me when they are pregnant- making me hear about it via the grapevine. I have also felt like they avoid me when expecting- as though infertility is catching. And when the baby is born, I have felt like some people try to protect their children from me- as though I am going to steal their kid. Duh. I am infertile, not crazy-kiddnappin-lady. She might be even left out of preparing meals for the new mother, so maybe she would like to be one of the first people you call when the baby is bron so she can set up the meals for you. Its all silly, but infertile women are avoided, although I think the intent is to be kind- truth be told, avoidence isn’t kind- it is isolating.
I don’t know what the sister you VT is dealing with, but I also suggest asking her what hurts most- why it hurts when people announce- is it because she is left out from being pregnant or is it because people avoid her when they are pregnant? Do it in a nice, way- and pary, pray pray before you go- invite the spirit and then some!
Also- hey- this is a blog- so anything goes– I had a fabulous friend about 10 years ago who asked me to be her lamaze partner. Her husband travelled for work, and she wanted to do the classes. So I did– I wasn’t there for the birth, but I LOVED the experience and I am eternally grateful to her for letting me share that part of her pregnancy with her. Would you be game enough to let this sister join you for lamaze? I am only assuming this is not your first pregnancy- if it is your first pregnancy- maybe better for you to not go the extra mile.
Everyone deals differently- so be loving, and if she is angry for your being pregnant- that is how she deals with it, that is NOT your problem. Do not take it personally. Let it soak in then ask her if SHE would like to be VT by someone else. Let her feel like she has some control over her situation, if that makes sense.
Good luck and feel free to email me at smorreall at yahoo dot com if you would like to discuss more.
Comment by Spunky — May 8, 2008 @ 12:26 am
Thank you for this post. I have been dreading mother’s day this year, and have only been focusing on the fact that I don’t have children. I can see that I need to focus on the ability to nurture, and not feel attacked. It has given me hope.
Comment by Cecily — May 8, 2008 @ 1:21 am
I concur with all of the above. Thanks for this touching and thoughtful post. Thank you!
Comment by meems — May 8, 2008 @ 3:53 am
Thank you for this wonderful post. It is liberating to see that there are those who discover their weaknesses and work to overcome them. You have obviously gained much strength and more wisdom through your difficulties.
Comment by SilverRain — May 8, 2008 @ 4:47 am
Spunky. This is a great post. We have Mothers Day in England in March, but this message is applicable any time of the year. Thank you!
Comment by Rebecca — May 8, 2008 @ 5:53 am
Since we’re here - we all have a mother. Thank you for sharing how you have, in part, reconciled your relationship with your mother and your growing-up years. I’m at the not-even-gonna-send-a-card stage and no desire whatsoever to move past that.
Glad you’re here and speaking up. Terrific post.
Comment by Mary Magdalene — May 8, 2008 @ 6:53 am
Yes - what an amazing post. Thank you for sharing.
And bravo to you for working through everything you’ve worked through in terms of your mom. It’s amazing to me that you can have compassion for her. For many, many people, that is the most difficult thing - to have compassion for those that hurt us so deeply - even if they do it unintentionally.
Comment by aerin — May 8, 2008 @ 7:00 am
Thank you for this post. It was very touching. It encouraged me to write a mother’s day email to my MIL since I’ve been having some Issues with her this past year. (She’s out of town right now and not getting mail otherwise a card would be better of course!)
Thanks, spunky!
Comment by Researcher — May 8, 2008 @ 7:06 am
Words nearly escape me. Bless you for keeping your heart open when you could have easily closed it because of the abuse, and for the sweet people in your life who remind you of the truthfuness of who you are. You are a strong woman and you made a difference today.
Comment by Annastasia — May 8, 2008 @ 7:25 am
Thanks so much for your post. Even though the things you’ve gone through are still really hard, it sounds like you’ve gained a lot of wisdom from your experiences.
Comment by Shelah — May 8, 2008 @ 8:03 am
Beautiful post.
Comment by Jill — May 8, 2008 @ 8:28 am
Thank you. I’m just returning to activity, and realized with horror that Mother’s Day is Sunday. I haven’t gone to church on a Mother’s Day since that day in 2000 when I decided to be brave and ended up having to flee Sacrament Meeting in tears. And that was when there was still hope I might someday, somehow, become a mother. Now that there’s no doubt, it’s even harder.
I do try to focus on my mothers (birth, step-, and in-law) and how much I love them. But I have to tell you that the sadness is at one of 3 or 4 annual peaks on this day. I’m terrified about going to church on Sunday, but I really want to. I may have to sit out in the foyer during Sacrament meeting.
Comment by Faith — May 8, 2008 @ 8:38 am
That was a lovely post.
I have to admit it isn’t terribly helpful to those who are not married to someone who makes it okay. It sounds like your husband filled some of the holes in your heart and I’m very happy for you, but that isn’t exactly transferable. That’s not a gaining of wisdom - that’s finding someone else to love you.
Comment by Katie P. — May 8, 2008 @ 8:55 am
Wonderful post. Happy Mother’s Day Spunky.
Comment by MAC — May 8, 2008 @ 9:04 am
Happy Mothers Day, Spunky, and all the other fabulous women of FMH!!!
Comment by sofia — May 8, 2008 @ 9:05 am
[…] 8, 2008 by chauceriangirl There is a fantastic post over at Feminist Mormon Housewives about Mother’s Day for the Motherless and Infertile. Mother’s Day has been a very […]
Pingback by Mother’s Day « I Walk By Faith — May 8, 2008 @ 9:05 am
What a beautiful story of transforming pain into joy…Thank-you for sharing. Happy Mother’s Day!!!
Comment by jeannine — May 8, 2008 @ 9:52 am
This is candid and written with amazing sensitivity. Thank you. I needed to hear this.
I have recently been struggling with Mother’s Day. I have had 3 “chemical” miscarriges (i.e. within first month) and have dealt with them well. My ob-gyn thinks it’s too early to be concerned. But, although some of the sisters in ward do know this, I am nonetheless often judged for being a DINK (double income no kids).
they avoid me or don’t tell me when they are pregnant- making me hear about it via the grapevine. . . . And when the baby is born, I have felt like some people try to protect their children from me- as though I am going to steal their kid. Duh. I . . .not crazy-kiddnappin-lady.
Thanks for speaking openly about this reaction. After a time of the quizzical fear/hostility, one day a couple of years ago, I had a mother literally snatch her baby from my arms. Her husband, busy at the time, had handed her to me as the infant was clearly, and loudly, in need of a change in diapers and mom was not in the vicinity. She was a leader in the ward community and assuming that leaders reflect/set the tone for most of the sisters, from then on I have stayed away from anyone under 20.
I love kids, babysat for years and was even a nanny for some of my time in college. I have always wanted to be a mother and know, through my thus far dead-on Patriarchal blessing, that my time will come, in one way or another.
In the meantime, I have a fanstastic and supportive DH and a great extended family who support and sustain my nurturing Spirit without pity or judgment.
I love Mother’s Day itself and honoring the many “mothers” in my family and among friends. I have just developed a distaste for it in my ward. But, just maybe, this year, I will once again attend SM on Mother’s Day.
Once again, thank you for this great post.
Comment by Athena II — May 8, 2008 @ 10:10 am
i don’t like mothers day for the obligation that it imposes. and honestly, it was mostly from my mother, not from anywhere else. i LOVED this post. i’ll have to read it every day until mothers day so that i can call my mom without feeling irritated or angry. i even linked back to this post on my blog.
Comment by Terina — May 8, 2008 @ 10:27 am
Thanks for your answer Spunky. The last thing I want is for this sister to hear about my pregnancy through the grapevine and think I avoided telling her. I was going to tell her in person at our visit next week and was hoping we could talk about how she feels about things; we’ve been developing a good relationship over the past few months. I am still at a loss of what to do for her for Mother’s Day. If she’s at church I’d like to give her something there, definately a card but maybe a small gift.
I have been pondering and praying about this sister for the past couple of months; I still haven’t received any great inspiration on what to do for her but I did have one thought. She is the type of person who wants to talk about her infertility (I have another friend who tried to conceive unsuccessfully for years and she HATED talking about it) so I’ve learned to bring it up, ask her about it, and share quotes and thoughts that may be helpful to her.
Anyways if you or anyone else has any brilliant ideas for a small, thoughtful, meaningful gift that would say “You are a wonderful daughter of God who is enriching the lives of people around you through your work and your calling and your unique self and I admire you so much for all those things as well as your grace in dealing with a difficult situation” that would be great!
Comment by BG — May 8, 2008 @ 2:56 pm
BG–How about a small, thoughtful card that says “Thank you for enriching my life just by being you”?
Spunky–coulda written much of that myself. Not a great relationship with my own hindered-by-depression mother who also hated mothers’ day for its sugar-coated great expectations vs the lack of appropriate mothering in her life, my miscarriages and secondary infertility before our first son was born (71/2 yrs into my now 16-year marriage), then the feminist issues with church and its representations of women including what I viewed as pedestalizing on mother’s day. The first third was resolved as I began to appreciate other nurturing influences in my life, and started trying to learn how I could nurture better than my own mother and maternal grandmother had. The second part was greatly ameliorated by having children (though I hope I can always remember what it felt like being in the mother-in-waiting phase!). The third part is still a work in progress, but feels resolved enough for the time being.
Thanks, Claire. I’ll likely pop in again from time to time as my homeschooling load lightens up a bit for the summer.
Comment by Lisa B — May 8, 2008 @ 4:23 pm
Spunky, you are one special woman. BG, if it were me, I’d copy Spunky’s post and all the comments and print them on nice paper and roll the paper up and tie it with a ribbon and give it to her. The best Mother’s Day gift you can give her is understanding. If it had some chocolate attached, it would be even better. ( I’m a truffle woman.)
Comment by Serena Davidson — May 8, 2008 @ 4:23 pm
This is an amazing post! Thank you so much for opening your heart and sharing your experiences in this beautiful way, Spunky.
Many other hearts are lighter today because of your insights. And whether or not we may be struggling with issues of abuse or infertility, you have helped us all to see Mother’s Day in a deeper, more rewarding and positive way.
Comment by RoAnn — May 8, 2008 @ 4:54 pm
I’m trying to write a talk for Mother’s Day & don’t quite know what to say. Although I have children now, I struggled with miscarriages & infertility for a number of years. During those years I hated Mother’s Day & now that I’m going to be one of the speakers I don’t know how to approach it w/o precluding a number of women. You’ve said a lot of what I want to include about women being nurturers & mothers even if they don’t have children. Thanks. And if anyone else wants to give me ideas, I’m open to suggestions, particularly as it is Thursday already.
Comment by brittany — May 8, 2008 @ 5:07 pm
You could talk about the maternal images Jesus used for himself (the mother hen and her chicks, laboring women, nursing mothers…) and that in trying to emulate Christ, we should all try to be more maternal.
You could talk about spiritual adoption/ how all of us are spiritual orphans/ illigitimate children (OT image) until we are born again of Jesus, by water, and blood, and the spirit.
You could talk about all the significant barren women of the covenant (Sarah, Hannah, Rachel, Elizabeth…) and the promise to all that the barren will bring for children (Isaiah) and be greater than the mother of children (in other words, all wrong will be righted by the Creator/ Life-Giver)
You could talk about symbolism of the tree of life; and how we can all be a “tree of life”
You could talk about Heavenly Mother
You could talk about forgiveness since we all have imperfect parents and yet we are all required to honor them for our own sake/longevity,,,
Comment by Lisa B — May 8, 2008 @ 5:22 pm
Oh, oh, Deborah arising “a Mother in Israel” through military conquest! Don’t forget her! Or the midwives who were promised “houses” because they defied the Pharoah! Or any other number of strong scriptural women who were noted for their nurturing, life-giving, faithful service in areas that were other than maternal. No, Sherri, we are not all mothers.
Comment by Lisa B — May 8, 2008 @ 5:25 pm
Thanks for those suggestions, Lisa. I’m writing a Mother’s Day talk now, and I’m going to use more than one of those.
Comment by Kaimi — May 8, 2008 @ 5:42 pm
(and thanks to Spunky and other commenters too — I suspect that Lisa’s suggestions are going to be the most blatantly plagiarized, but there are a whole lot of good ideas in this thread)
Comment by Kaimi — May 8, 2008 @ 5:52 pm
I was actually just thinking that I might give this sister a copy of this post…but not sure if I want to “out” myself to someone in my very conservative ward as a FMH reader/lurker! But I think a card and chocolates are a definite. Thanks for the ideas.
Comment by BG — May 8, 2008 @ 9:20 pm
Why is it that in a church where if a young couple, after several years of marriage, finds themselves still childless that the automatic assumption of the ward members is that the couple is selfish and shirking parenthood instead of assuming that infertility is the cause?
Would that it were the latter.
Mourn with those who mourn, indeed.
Comment by Chad too — May 8, 2008 @ 9:26 pm
I also think it would be important to bring up in a Sacrament talk on Mother’s Day that not all mothers fit in the same mold. I have a wonderful relationship with my mom and am blessed to have a child and one on the way, but I’ve always dreaded the Mother’s Day talks because I could never relate to people’s stories about their angel mother who never raised her voice and stayed up all night sewing their halloween costume. My mom had a bad temper while I was growing up. She wasn’t always patient, we never had regular family home evenings, she went back to school after having my youngest sibling and got her master’s degree and then worked full time. But she taught me about learning from your mistakes, to ask questions about the gospel, and about following the Lord’s guidance in your own life. So now that I’m a mom who works full-time outside the home and I don’t feel like I fit in with many of the moms in the church, I can understand why my mom always cried on Mother’s Day. And not because she was so happy.
Comment by BG — May 8, 2008 @ 9:29 pm
Spunky, as a mother of one (who will be 18 tomorrow), I must say I was moved by your entry!
For me, my greatest mothering moments were:
- talking to disabled children, recognizing their accomplishments, and making them laugh;
- officially fostering kids (five so far!);
- taking in ‘unofficial’ fosters - who would otherwise choose the street;
- speaking to street people who are clearly un-well and suffering;
- teaching ESL;
- leaving my door (and fridge!) open to children that had no “REAL” parent to talk to;
- bandaging wounds from kids who were injured in fights and other violence, who were told ‘this was the safe house’ on the street.
Please don’t take from my comments that I don’t love my daughter - I do! But she is one of ‘the fortunates’, and so many others are not…
And I love the fact that she comes home with kids in need and says, ‘talk to my mom!’
And they do.
And we cry.
And I get them whatever help I can…
There are so many ways ‘to be a mom’ Spunky!
And I am sure that, with your kind heart, your have touched many lives.
M
Comment by m — May 8, 2008 @ 10:02 pm
My mom hates Mother’s Day because she feels like it’s patronizing and pandering (if you want to see her pull her hair out all you have to do is start singing “Mother I love you, Mother I dooooooooo”).
I’m single and don’t have kids and if Mother’s Day at church was just talking about motherhood and being grateful for mothers I’d be fine. It’s when they have ALL the adult women stand. I seriously hate it. I don’t want to stand up. I’m a person who throws a Valentine’s Day party to celebrate love. I buy into all the Hallmark stuff. I’m content with my life, so why do I hate this so much that I’m thinking of skipping sacrament meeting this year (my mother has skipped many a Mother’s Day sacrament meetings, so perhaps it’s inherited). I don’t want a pity flower.
Comment by mew — May 8, 2008 @ 10:53 pm
[…] the post I loved this week, here I post the punchline paragraph, which was the punchline for me. http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=1784 Finally with a extraordinary man at my side, the emptiness on Mother’s Day ended- and it simply […]
Pingback by All your thoughts on God, well of today. « Dis Organized — May 9, 2008 @ 12:05 am
#56- and so many others- thank you again for your positive support. Its funny- I have also been an ESL teacher and had exchange students in my home. More than a few of the youth in our ward love coming here to hang out- its kinda funny.
#55- BG: You know this sister better than any of us- but perhaps the best gift could be a massage or a facial- go with her to a salon and both get pedicures, etc. Something that celebrates women for the sake of being women, focusing on the beauty of all feminine qualities, rather than on biological maternity. Even if we are infertile, we are still 100% woman!
Comment by Spunky — May 9, 2008 @ 2:23 am
Silly me, I thought “Mother I Love You” was for Heavenly Mother.
Comment by Lisa B — May 9, 2008 @ 6:06 am
My bishop asked me to be one of our Mother’s Day speakers a few years ago. He was very sensitive about the women who are not yet mothers, have never been mothers, never will be mothers and asked me to speak on how men who hold the priesthood should treat all women in their lives. Put aside any feelings you might have about the priesthood thing, I think it was a good path for a talk. Instead of the usual sappy Mother’s Day talk, I had to really extend my thinking to all women: my daughter, my female colleagues at work, my female boss, the woman who ran me into the ground during my second marathon…
Comment by AaronK — May 9, 2008 @ 6:49 am
In our ward they have all the Young Women stand too. Future mothers, you know. And then hand us all some nasty candy. SHUDDER.
I’ve never liked the Mother’s Day handout (even when I was a kid it seemed a little off) but I imagine that if you stopped it, you would never hear the end of it.
I’m sure there’s some woman somewhere who loves Mother’s Day and how it’s observed but I haven’t met her yet.
Comment by Researcher — May 9, 2008 @ 8:11 am
My good friend is the RS president and she’s single. Last year the bishop (a really fantastic guy) tasked her with picking the Mother’s Day token. They ended up handing out one of those general authority booklets. Better than a flower but worse than a big chocolate bar. I should email her and see what the plan for this year is. I think I’d stand up for a Snickers. Otherwise I’ve decided that I’ll need to leave Sacrament meeting a little “early” to go set up my Primary classroom.
Comment by mew — May 9, 2008 @ 10:44 am
#57 - Mew, that’s what the kids are singing on Sunday. I sat in on primary last week so I know. Ha ha.
That reminds me of when by oldest was six or so and the primary sang some song on Mother’s Day. But instead of on the stand, the children were to go to the pew where their mothers sat - we were instructed to sit on the ends. So, all is well, right? Well, the first verse went fine, and then they sang the second, and the kids didn’t know it very well, and my daughter, a bit of a perfectionist and who hated to being embarrassed in public (on the stand she could have hit the fact she didn’t know the song) and she sat there crying! I’m sure she was the only one doing that, but all the kids were embarrassed because no one knew the second verse.
Good times!
Comment by TAG — May 9, 2008 @ 12:35 pm
Two years ago, I was asked to speak in Sacrament on Mother’s Day. The topic, however, was “Women in the Church”. I decided to focus on how women have made the church what it is today. I used Emma Smith, Eliza R. Snow (I even snuck in that she was Joseph Smith’s wife), Ardeth Kapp and Sheri Dew.
Not only did I say nothing about how wonderful mothers are, but I pointed out Ardeth Kapp had no children and Sheri Dew wasn’t married.
Comment by Kim Siever — May 9, 2008 @ 1:21 pm
Spunky-
This was just beautiful!
I have a huge favor to ask of you…would it be possible for me to get a hold of you via email or something, soon? I know it sounds strange, but I’d really appreciate it….
Thank you!
(my email should be available from the blog administrator, or you can leave me a comment on my blog, etc.)
Comment by cheryl — May 9, 2008 @ 1:54 pm
[…] Feminist Mormon Housewives, there is an inspirational post for anyone who has ever suffered, feared, or felt downtrodden by Mother’s Day, as […]
Pingback by Points of Interest, 5/9 « Mind, Soul, and Body — May 9, 2008 @ 3:33 pm
cheryl,
i emailed spunky your email address.
Comment by mfranti — May 9, 2008 @ 3:57 pm
mfranti-
Thank you!
Comment by cheryl — May 9, 2008 @ 9:07 pm
Thank you so much for your blog post. I’ve been struggling on how to handle this particular Mother’s Day as my mother and my sister are celebrating their first mother’s day at first time grandmother and first time mother, while I still struggle with infertility and miscarriages. Worst of all was their insensitivity and forcing me to go to the baby shower as I grieved. Then their exclusion from not telling me the birth of my nephew was hurtful too. Your post felt very liberating for me to read. I am fortunate to have a wonderful husband and will focus on my ability to love others.
Comment by Jeanette — May 9, 2008 @ 11:31 pm
Spunky,
Understandably you seem upset that you are not a mother and you continue to say you can’t have children. Why have you or the other sisters not mentioned in vitro fertilization? With functioning ovaries, while you would be unable to carry the baby, you and your husband are capable of having children. Just wondering.
Comment by Ed Dantes — May 11, 2008 @ 11:08 am
Wow #71. That’s a rather personal question. I imagine that Spunky, like others in her situation, has looked at every option.
Comment by Researcher — May 11, 2008 @ 11:21 am
what a terrible question. those who are infertile are undoubtedly aware of every possible road to parenthood. it’s not so simple to take on an invasive, expensive and often unsuccessful procedure like IVF just by saying, we could, so we should.
i had a good lesson in rudeness about infertility with my first midwife. during the interview, i asked her if she had children of her own. she said no. i asked her if she planned to. she said that she’d been married for 10 years and had never used BC and apparently could not have children. i said, immediately, why don’t you adopt? thoughtless! ridiculous! arrogant! she smiled at me sweetly and said that she and her husband didn’t feel that the lord wanted that for them. never again have i assumed that solving the question of becoming a parent when you can’t get pregnant at the drop of a hat is so simple or that suggestions or opinions are desired or needed.
Comment by chandelle — May 11, 2008 @ 11:56 am
spunky, i wanted to tell you how much i appreciated this post. i admit to often overlooking commentaries on infertility because, well…i guess because they make me feel enormously guilty and helpless. but this one really touched me. it was beautifully written and an absolutely perfect post for mother’s day, a wonderful reminder to all women, biological mothers or not.
Comment by chandelle — May 11, 2008 @ 12:05 pm
[…] Spunky at FMH: Mother’s Day for the Motherless and Infertile […]
Pingback by Virtual Oases, Mother’s Day « The Exponent — May 11, 2008 @ 2:36 pm
Thank you for your candor!
My patriarchal blessing says that I will be a mother and a grandmother, but it doesn’t say anything about squeezing babies out. I’m starting by re-parenting my inner child after years of neglect and abuse from my own mommy dearest. The future is in God’s hands.
Comment by Margaret — May 11, 2008 @ 3:08 pm
Ed, it really is none of your business, but I happen to live in Australia, too, and surrogacy is much more regulated here than in the US.
Comment by Quimby — May 11, 2008 @ 3:13 pm
#71- Wow, that is a personal question, indeed! Your query neglects the concept of adoption, which I am also blessed to pursue should my husband and I choose to do so.
Suffice to say, my post is not in focus of “traditional” ideas of motherhood, but to celebrate the nature of women to parent and nurture without giving birth. I do not find earthly biology to be the singular mark of motherhood. I find that the ability and act of nurturing to be the most powerful and spiritual representation of motherhood possible. One does not need a biological connection to love and nurture another in a parental manner.
Comment by Spunky — May 11, 2008 @ 7:33 pm
Beautiful. Thanks.
Comment by Ray — May 11, 2008 @ 8:52 pm
Thank you again for your post. I hope you don’t mind, but I summarized your story and quoted what you said about focusing on Mother’s Day as a day to celebrate the ability to love a child, rather than bear a child. I then talked about the different “mothers” in my life (including my actual mother) and how we can all “mother” others by loving, teaching and nurturing them. Anyway, people really seemed to appreciate what I said for which I am eternally grateful to you. And I really hope you don’t mind that I shared your thoughts without asking first, but as it was already Sat. night when I actually started preparing my talk, I was pretty frantic.
Comment by brittany — May 11, 2008 @ 9:55 pm
Brittany,
I am honored that you chose to quote this and I am sure you gave a beautiful talk –the best talks are often the last-minute passionately prepared ones!
Comment by Spunky — May 12, 2008 @ 12:20 am
Each person deals with infertility differently. Some are comfortable talking, some are not. I know several women who have expressed that they felt the need to physically bear their children and for one reason or another cannot adopt. (It’s not easy or inexpensive and some health problems preclude adoption acceptance.)
I am comfortable with my situation and can clearly understand why I do not have a pile of children. We adopted our son at one day old and he brings joy to my heart. Our daughter came to us from a traumatic situation (long story short - abuse, neglect and her bio- tried to kill several times - none of which we were told about at the time even though it was in-family). There is no way I would have had the time or energy to address her needs if I had had a bunch of other children. She is now a young teenager, still has many emotional problems, and may be looking at another stint in residential psyche treatment, if she doesn’t end up in the juvenile legal system first. She is still very angry at her birth mother and deals with that with passive-aggression. I truly love her, pray for her, and do my best making sure she has the treatment she needs. However, I do not believe that I am a “bad mother” when I say that her behavior sometimes sucks the joy right out of being a mother.
As others have mentioned above, efforts to “protect feelings” can leave women isolated. When my younger sister became pregnant, she told me in person, and then told me she would be honored if I would consider making her child’s blessing clothes. She made the effort to include me. We laugh, be cause she is the complete opposite of me being the fertile turtle and can get pregnant using multiple forms of BC simultaneously.
Then, there is the opposite end of the spectrum. A “sister” in the ward who knew I was applying for adoption actually had the nerve to ask me to drive her to a doctor’s appointment. It was for a pregnancy test. Even more egregious was when she showed up on our doorstep two days after we got home with our son, and proceeded to tell me that he was supposed to be theirs but the birth-mother changed her mind, etc. etc. etc. I was never so happy as when she moved. And then there’s the ranting of a pregnant hormone crazed sister-in-law who thinks you have no worth as a human being and have no idea what she is going through because your (insert explicative here) infertile. Whew, good thing I don’t carry grudges, and she lives several states away.
I learned from my Grandpa early on that having a sense of humor will get you through many of life’s struggles. (And if you don’t think God has a sense of humor, just look at some of the animals walking/crawling/floating around on this planet!) So, in that light, and having had years to come to terms with my own infertility, and with the opinion that pregnancy with all it entails is an honor, a privilege, and a battle, here are some of the things I have found to be my “positives” of infertility:
- No morning sickness, stretch marks, raging hormones, gestational diabetes
- Although my dear daughter came with a plethora of problems, she did come potty trained, (except for the time she purposely peed on my mother’s couch)
- No LABOR-CHILDBIRTH, (I actually find it quite frightening)
- I have a great sex life. Sex is romantic, sensual, spontaneous, fun, and silly. It is not just a means to an end (pregnancy), but something to be thoroughly enjoyed. “Anytime-Anywhere” takes on a totally new meaning when you aren’t worried about timing, will it happen this month?, did I or didn’t I do this or that……
Comment by JuneBug — May 12, 2008 @ 10:25 am
Spunky, there are so many things to love about this post, but this is my favorite part:
It hit me, somewhere in-between the pages of this book- that my infertility was a result of the fall of Adam- i.e. mortality. I had done nothing to offend God, I was not “blessed” with this challenge- I am simply- mortal! I am mortal! That is all! Not good, bad or otherwise- just human. 100% Dumb luck. What an epiphany!
The random nature of suffering in mortality is something LDS seem reluctant to recognize, much to our detriment. We look for explanations, and come up with “god is cursing me” or “god is blessing me,” and completely skip over the most likely possibility: God has nothing to do with the cause. Sure, there’s scriptural evidence of cursing, and of challenges being meted out for benevolent purposes. And I strongly believe that pain can function as a blessing. But function and purpose are two different things. I believe that in the vast majority of cases, God plays only one role in our painful situations: helping and healing.
Thank you, thank you.
Comment by Kathryn Lynard Soper — May 13, 2008 @ 11:07 am
What a beautiful & poignant post. Thank you.
Comment by Jen — May 14, 2008 @ 10:33 am
[…] Mother’s Day for the for the Motherless and Infertile […]
Pingback by No. 95 - From the Blogosphere // SladeMomma — May 18, 2008 @ 3:38 pm
[…] Here are some bloggers’ Mother’s Day talks (or at least they could be Mother’s Day talks): Amelia’s Women of Righteousness: a Mother’s Day Talk Sheila’s When Mother’s Day Sucks Sp… […]
Pingback by Standing on the Shoulders of Giants: a Mother’s Day Talk « The Exponent — May 9, 2009 @ 2:02 am