Pornography Series: Introduction
by Sare
My first real encounter with pornography was a rude one. It was not, as it is with so many others, a picture in a magazine or on the internet. It wasn’t an “earthy” romance novel.
It happened one fall day, when I came home after several hours of classes and midterms, and found a half-empty house. My husband had left me, with no warning. He had been perfectly pleasant that morning. I remembered laughing about something over breakfast. He had kissed me as I went out the door to classes. I almost couldn’t believe it, looking around at the carpet-notches where furniture had been, at my baby alone in her swing. And then the clincher, as I walked into the master bedroom: his wedding ring, left on the bare mattress, on top of a neat stack of papers: the car title, the rent agreement, and divorce papers printed off of the internet.
Before this last shoe dropped in the ruin of my first marriage, things had been very confusing for me. My husband had proven himself to be utterly unpredictable. He was part amazing, hard-working, loving father, decent man and priesthood holder, and part childish, selfish, petulant, vindictive son-of-a-gun. This second side of him manifested only rarely. The first time it came out was three months into our marriage, when he took a knife with him into the bathroom and threatened suicide because I disagreed with him about how to cook biscuits. It was puzzling, confusing, scary to me. I felt disbelief, disgust, anger, fear, sadness… in that order, and in rapid succession. I could not internalize it or face it. After each of these rare encounters that seemed to occur every few months, we would talk. I would say that we need to get counseling, and he would cry, he would hug me and apologize, we would make up and forget about it. Except for the little remnants of sadness and fear that were left behind for both of us.
How does one deal with a situation like that? You love him, you are utterly bewildered by him, you realize there must be something more to it, and it effectively destroys your trust each time. You need to know what is up, but at the same time you do not want to think about what it might be. You ask him during a period of calm and trust, and he just shrugs you off and says it won’t happen again, so why discuss it further. Why even worry about it.
I’ll tell you how you deal with it: you start to feel that it must be partly your own fault. You start to think that, obviously, you’re not a good spouse or you would be able to forestall these scary outbursts. You’re also starting to wonder if something might be wrong with you, not him, because you’re becoming increasingly more paranoid and untrusting; you are starting to spy on him, to look for ways he might be lying to you. When you find what looks like might be evidence of something, you are sick inside, and also afraid, because you know you have to ask him, which means you have to admit to not trusting him, and the whole house of cards seems like it might come crashing down around you.
My husband finally confessed to the bishop. After being away for a couple of days, he rushed back, moving van and all, completely apologetic and penitent. I found out then that he had been hiding a pornography addiction from me. My feeling was almost relief. I hadn’t asked for this kind of baggage when I knelt across from the kind, soft-spoken, worthy priesthood holder I had come to love and respect. But pornography was better than extramarital sex. It was better than him not loving me anymore. It was better than the prospect of raising my baby daughter all by myself, and having to explain to her that her dad had left us.
But then he confessed to more and more… it started coming out, all the deception. He had dropped out of school and used the tuition for pornography. He had spent every day at home looking at porn instead of playing with, diapering, and feeding our child. He had gone to a strip club while I was away at a friend’s wedding (and then bought roses for me when I came home.) While I was in labor with our daughter, he left my hospital bedside, not to study for a test as I had thought, but to go play video games and look at porn. As the confessions poured out I started to wonder if I really could live with this alter ego of his. It was too much to take in… I had been so successfully deceived. How would I ever trust him again? Was it possible for him to recover? For me, it ended soon after that, when I found out that my husband had tried to poison me, three times. The attempts took place soon after one of the turbulent confrontations we had several months before.
He went to jail, and we were divorced. It was almost the easier solution, in the end, but I am still haunted by it. The only peace I found at the time was a spiritual confirmation that divorce was the right choice. I know now (with 20/20 hindsight) that divorce was the best option for my own well being, as well as my addicted, mentally-unstable husband’s.
But my case was unique. Not many husbands, entrenched as they may be in their addictions, do something so drastic that the marriage ends practically by default. There are countless spouses, fiancées, and girlfriends and boyfriends out there that have to address this issue in a situation that is not nearly so clean cut. The questions that these couples all have to face are, “is it worth it, or should I just walk away? I love her, but is love enough? What can I do to help her?” Also, “What if he never gets over this. Could I live with a spouse that has a pornography addiction?”
An addict or a habitual user often feels helpless. They realize that they are in trouble, because they feel out of control and they do not like the person they have become as a result of deception and addiction. They feel unworthy of trust and love. They feel too full of shame to seek help. Once they have gotten to the point where they realize they have a problem, they sometimes doubt that there really is a way out.
This series is an attempt help people find their own answers to these difficult questions and problems. It is also my way of trying to start a conversation that needs to be started: about pornography and LDS people. As Jodi Hildebrandt from the Lifestar program says, sexual addictions are fed by shame and silence. I hope that, in the few weeks that follow, people will speak up about pornography. I hope that people can offer one another frank feedback and support. Because Pornography is out there, and it is prevalent. Encountering it is pretty much inevitable in today’s world. And if we stay in denial, and let fear keep us from addressing it, the problem will continue to worsen and spread, and good LDS people will continue to feel hopeless and ashamed, rather than empowered, informed, and capable to overcome.
I often wonder what is the best way to approach this? How do you help your loved ones to not feel the shame that might lead to addiction? I feel at a loss with this subject.
Comment by Racheldmc — May 19, 2008 @ 7:55 am
Well…
one important thing is they have to want your help. In my case, dh did not want me involved at all, and he didn’t want anyone to know about it… because of shame. It was his choice to keep it all to himself. I think discussion can help mitigate shame. And the acceptance of loved ones even if they’re struggling. Maybe?
Comment by sare — May 19, 2008 @ 8:10 am
Sounds like he has borderline personality disorder. My father-in-law and sister-in-law both have it. His behaviour parallels theirs (generally, not specifically).
What a terrible thing to have to endure.
Comment by Kim Siever — May 19, 2008 @ 8:22 am
In these situations, please see more to yourself than to him. These men (and women) will suck you dry. Set solid, reasonable boundaries with the aid of a therapist. If there are multiple breaches of these boundaries, then you need to get yourself out of the situation. If there is violence of any kind, you need to get yourself out of the situation. Use family and friends, use LDS social services, use the local battered womens shelter, use Catholic Services, just go.
Comment by angrymormonliberal — May 19, 2008 @ 8:23 am
Thanks so much for sharing your story and starting this discussion.
Comment by Stephanie — May 19, 2008 @ 8:37 am
Wow!
I am married to a prn addict who found recovery through the 12 steps. Before that, he was irritable and secretive and sexually pressuring and didn’t like himself much, but I didn’t suspect anything was actually wrong, and certainly not prn. He came to me, confessed his desperate desire to change but he couldn’t do it on his own, and we got through it and found an amazing trust and happiness together. God bless the 12 steps.
Years later, he developed bipolar disorder. He would get paranoid and obnoxious. He’d pick fights and storm out or suddenly switch to desperate- shaking and begging and i wouldn’t even know what the big deal was, the fights never made any sense. It became clear when he was suicidal and too depressed to work. He never had full manias but he did have days full of racing thoughts and irritability and he’d get fixed on some new idea. He just never did anything too wild.
My point is, your story reminds me much more of the time my husband had untreated bipolar than the time he was a guilt-ridden prn addict or trying-to-recover prn addict. With medications and tons of counceling, he is stable now and we’re pretty happy again. For a long time I was sure it was over. Sure of it. I didn’t think that even once with the prn. Absolutely the mental illness was the harder road.
Comment by and still married! — May 19, 2008 @ 8:47 am
and still married…
you’re probably right. With my spouse, he was addicted from an early age (13), so it was part of his formative experiences… probably a symptom of an underlying issue rather than the whole reason why things were wrong. Plus he lost his mother very early and his family dealt with it by not saying a word to one another. So I admit that pornography was not the only thing making my marriage difficult… but I think that HE though pornography was his only problem… thus his unwillingness to get help, talk to me or anyone else about it. It’s so sad, because with intervention things could possibly have been fixable… but because of the secrecy things got to the point where they were beyond fixing.
Comment by sare — May 19, 2008 @ 9:07 am
I think this is such a good topic for discussion. I know a lot of women who have had the experience listed above. It is heartbreaking and I wish we could all take a class on ways to cope with our own feelings and issues pertaining to addiction. Thanks for being so honest and willing to share your experiences. It helps more than you can imagine.
Comment by Sunshine — May 19, 2008 @ 9:53 am
i’m so glad you had the courage to end that marriage! No one deserves that abuse, no one — especially since we marry for eternity, which is a loooong time!
Comment by Natalie — May 19, 2008 @ 10:43 am
In light of revelatory and anecdotal evidence against Pornography.I seem to recall that no scientific sources label it as addictive, although I believe I have read that it can be contributing to a sexual addiction. How do we deal with scientific arguments for its health and acceptability?
(I would absolutely love to be corrected if I am wrong with the above facts.)
Comment by TrevorM — May 19, 2008 @ 11:12 am
Well, I’m not going to get in on the discussion about whether or not porn is addictive or not, or wrong or not, or unhealthy for relationships or not…
my own personal experience is it is all of the above. If others have experienced differently, that is their experience.
The reason why I’m focusing on pornography in the LDS church is because, as an active member trying to maintain good standing, porn is something we are supposed to avoid and try to be free of. (this is true, not just in the LDS church, but by using the framework of the LDS congregation I can talk about bishops, the repentence process, etc.)
Comment by sare — May 19, 2008 @ 11:32 am
Sare,
Your experience reminds me of a news story in Provo around 2003 (I think) where a porn-addict husband tried to poison his wife with wild mushrooms and adding something to pregnancy injections. That wasn’t you, was it?
Comment by News — May 19, 2008 @ 11:46 am
Yikes! Attempted murder adds a dimension so troubling to the problem that I wonder how much it has to do with pornography addiction at all.
Comment by Peter LLC — May 19, 2008 @ 12:14 pm
actually, that was.
Comment by sare — May 19, 2008 @ 12:25 pm
I was wondering the same thing. You are an amazing woman Sare to make it through that experience and still have room for sympathy.
Comment by Racheldmc — May 19, 2008 @ 12:43 pm
A couple of months ago our stake started a series of classes for men addicted to pornography. They meet once a week in a seminary building is vacant during the evenings.
My former branch president and his wife were called to a fulfill the unique responsibilities of conducting the classes (him), and of supporting spouses and loved ones (her) who are impacted by their behavior.
I thought this was a progressive and timely thing for our Stake Presidency to do. Has anyone else’s wards/stakes taken a similar approach?
Comment by Channing — May 19, 2008 @ 1:30 pm
It’s interesting that so many people have brought up mental disorders. I was going to say that it sounds like your husband has something going on that isn’t necessarily fueled by pornography. I wonder if part of the reason church counsels its members not to look because people with disorders are already inclined to experience major issues with it. I have a problem with porn as a feminist statement, but I think that not all porn is created equal…I know that sounds weird to say, but all this talk of addiction to me has usually been a masking of something more deep-seeded.
Comment by Whitney — May 19, 2008 @ 1:34 pm
This sounds like a horrific ordeal, but like Whitney mentions, this doesn’t sound like a porn problem to me. It sounds like your husband had a mental illness, of which addiction to pornography may have been one of many signs.
Comment by jjohnsen — May 19, 2008 @ 2:53 pm
Hmm, re-reading that makes it sound like I’m totally discounting porn as being part of the problem. I’m not. It’s just I know two different people that fit the description of your husband, but had no involvement in porn. Both had a mental illness, and one was an alcoholic, the other addicted to pain medication.
The actions you describe could be either of these people, which leads me to believe many of these problems in your marriage may not have had anything to do with pornography, but with mental illness, the need to hide something from your spouse, and addiction in general. Was pornography the reason he was a Jekyll and Hyde? Was pornography the reason he treated you so badly and made so many strange (and harmful) decisions?
Thank you for sharing your story.
Comment by jjohnsen — May 19, 2008 @ 3:03 pm
Trevor, this might help
The body naturally produces a chemical called dopamine. It is the “feel good feeling”. The brain has made enough of this chemical to last a life time and only that amount. During the highs in your life, ie orgasm, sex, visual stimulation, p)rn it is released so you feel good and want more.
The first time someone snorts methamphetamine it releases all of the dopamine your body possesses. Imagine an orgasm that last that long and gives you that much of a high. Prn has the same affect. It begins the chemical change in the body. So, the person or user is addicted to the dopamine release. It just so happens that prn and drugs have that affect on us.
Comment by Sunshine — May 19, 2008 @ 3:09 pm
while the dopaminergic mesolimbic pathway is the “feel good” component of our brains, let us not forget that oxytocin keeps us coming back.
plus, testosterone is a key factor in the desire and drive for sex for both men and women.
any way you slice it - whatever the substance - we do it primarily because we like the effect.
Comment by Mary Magdalene — May 19, 2008 @ 3:25 pm
Sare-
My husband and I were at BYU at the time your story came out and were rather horrified. Whenever you mention more details of what happened here and there, my heart just breaks for you. I’m so glad you were able to get out of that situation relatively safely and that you’ve found a wonderful new husband.
Prn is such a hard thing to deal with, especially since the world in general finds it so acceptable these days. Whenever I mention how I’m against it, in part because of the Church, in part because I know how it negatively impacted my parents’ marriage, I’m always dismissed as a prude. I think talking about it is such a good thing so as we share our experiences, it can become clear that it really is harmful to families and destructive to the individuals who use it.
Comment by Firebyrd — May 19, 2008 @ 5:30 pm
I’ve found, through my experience with a porn addicted husband, that there is something underneath causing the addiction to porn. So if you just try to get them sober just from porn, it will just come back. You need to fix the real problem (whatever it may be) before the porn will go away.
P.S. Why does everyone keep typing prn? This is a place for open honest conversation, and typing out the word porn is just being that more honest about it. Writing prn doesn’t make the problem any less.
Comment by Brittney — May 19, 2008 @ 5:50 pm
(Brittney - porn sometimes gets caught in the filter, prn doesn’t) (case in point, I’ve just had to go and release this comment)
Comment by Quimby — May 19, 2008 @ 6:21 pm
My husband is a porn addict. It comes and goes. I walked in on it. He never tells me. I just stumble across it. He won’t talk to a bishop, a counselor or anything. He admits he has a problem, but only to me. I feel completely sexually pressured. If I don’t preform, he finds it elsewhere. I feel like it’s my fault. I know it’s not, but what other thing would drive him to do this? I guess what I’m asking is, what do I do? We are slowly drifting apart, and I don’t want that.
Comment by Julie M. — May 19, 2008 @ 7:21 pm
In order get started someone needs to start.
No one talks to teenage boys about wet dreams. That needs to happen before we ever can get over this.
No one seems to have a good answer about whether masterbtion is okay or not. I believe it is necessary and good if done properly. Not an easy subject either.
We also need to counter the taboos associated with intercourse to help it remain pure and sacred rather than seeing it as dirty.
Comment by happyone — May 19, 2008 @ 7:48 pm
This is one area where I think LDS prophets are actually being prophetic - porn now is not the same as porn was thirty years ago, because you’re always just one click away from something “more.”
That said, not everybody who looks at porn is a porn addict. We’re allowed to draw lines around acceptable behaviors in our relationships, and if occasional porn is a line you don’t want your husband to cross, you need to be real clear about it, and stick to your guns. But a husband who looks at porn occasionally is not necessarily a porn addict, any more than a husband who drinks occasionally is an alcoholic. Freaking out doesn’t help solve the problem. Be sure you know what exactly you are dealing with before you freak out.
I’m a huge proponent of boundaries, recognizing where our ability to help or hurt the other person ends.
Comment by Ann — May 19, 2008 @ 8:25 pm
Brittney,
I have no shame whatsoever talking or writing about prn and calling it what it is. It’s just that with forums and email settings, it is common courtesy to abbreviate it or substitute some letters to avoid problems with your reader’s spam filters.
Comment by and still married! — May 19, 2008 @ 8:25 pm
New to this blogging stuff. Thanks for the clarification!
Comment by Brittney — May 19, 2008 @ 8:47 pm
Julie, I hope that you can find some counseling. Don’t get it for him, get it for you. It will help you to understand ways to better help yourself and him in a situation where addiction is a problem. IMO (in my opinion) if he is getting “it” somewhere else then there are more problems than prn. You need a support group just as much as he needs one. I hope you can find it. Addiction is never easy for anyone.
Comment by Sunshine — May 19, 2008 @ 10:14 pm
“But a husband who looks at porn occasionally is not necessarily a porn addict, any more than a husband who drinks occasionally is an alcoholic.”
Let’s be realistic: A husband who looks at a lot of porn is rarely a porn addict, just like a husband who drinks a lot is rarely an alcoholic.
Seriously, if anything Mormons need to be versed on what is addictive behavior and what is not. It appears that anything someone does with any regularity that Mormons disagree with is an “addiction.” Is going to church an “addiction”? Praying? Organizing your day planner (based on some roommates I’ve had, I’d actually say yes to that last one.)
Here’s a thought question: If looking at single centerfold triggers all sorts of aberrant behavior, what does looking at a real naked woman do?
Comment by Joe — May 19, 2008 @ 10:23 pm
What a sad story, but there is obviously more to it than pornography.
Having some experience in dealing with people addicted to pornography I have came to the following conclusions. Mostly, I will be speaking about men…
A. Some men can look at pornography and never become addicted… unless they continually come back to it. This does not excuse the action.
B. Some men will become addicted with only the briefest exposure to pornography. That first bite will keep them addicted for the rest of their lives. They may overcome the issue of actually looking at pornography, but they will always have the urge, lurking somewhere just beneath the surface.
>>> You don’t know if you are man A or man B before you expose yourself.
C. Some men can have a pornography addiction that doesn’t overly disrupt their lives. Just like a high functioning alcoholic can go through life successful in all things and only destroy himself - some men can function in a marriage and church callings and only rot themselves.
D. Other men can have a pornography addiction where it brings misery into their homes. Usually, their wives will have no idea why their marriage is bad or why they are so unhappy, but the marriage will stay afloat with many highs and lows.
E. Sadly, many men will destroy their marriages, jobs, friendships and even commit terrible crimes because their pornography addiction becomes an out of control, rotting infection.
>>> You don’t know if you will be C, D or E until you start looking at pornography. This is one reason why we stress to avoid it at all costs.
F. Some men can have a pornography addiction and they never leave their wives or cheat on them. They have somehow built a ceiling that once they bump into it, they back down on their pornography activity. Sort of like how most of us gain weight as we get older. At some point, when our clothes don’t fit right or we have reached a certain weight we say, STOP. We change our eating habits and start exercising until we have dropped weight. Just like this, some men reach a point and yell, STOP. It may be they had Internet sex chat and felt that was WAY too far, phone sex or even just looked at pornography too many days in a row. Whatever it is, some men will hit a ceiling and drop back down.
G. Some men don’t have a ceiling. Or, if they did have a ceiling they kept ignoring all the warnings and promptings until they burst through…. infidelity, prostitution and a whole host of terrible actions and sins arise.
>>> Once again, you will not know how pornography will affect your life until you start the habit.
Comment by Nebraska — May 19, 2008 @ 11:08 pm
Also wanted to add…
of course there was something behind his addiction. Nearly every addiction has something behind it, feeding it, some reason that the addict has a hard time coping with life in the usual ways.
Comment by sare — May 20, 2008 @ 12:37 pm
[…] Before divorce. […]
Pingback by The ‘Before’ Life « The Exponent — September 22, 2008 @ 1:10 pm
Sare, when you started describing “then he confessed to more and more” I thought - I’ve heard this story before. But your version is different, so, you are not her. My heart went out to this friend whose husband had this same problem. He, too, dropped out of school to stay at home and feed his addiction. He confessed to having a crush/fantasizing about her sister. Didn’t believe in the church. Had a video game addiction. (Uh-oh, _I_ play Warcraft a lot!)
You have my sympathies - it’s really disturbing that it went to that extreme.
Comment by FHL — September 24, 2008 @ 6:27 pm
Yes…
It happens more than we realize, too. I really do think the key is bringing it out in the open. Addictions become much more “addictive” when the element of secrecy, and deception, and the associated guilt are added into the mix.
I’m sorry for your friend. I hope that she has been able to go on and find a happy life despite her experiences.
Comment by sare — September 24, 2008 @ 8:56 pm
I really appreciate your story. I am struggling now with a husband with this problem, and thankfully it’s somewhat ‘mild’ in the fact that he claims its just breasts. He finally confessed after our first year of marriage, after one of my rants about how he never wants to make love to me. Once he told me I cussed him out and screamed, and this was the first argument we had ever had. It happened consistently once a week the entire year. It was always in the same room with me, while I was sleeping and he was playing video games. I can’t help but wonder why I married him. It’s horrible. He is very repentant, however, and has confessed to teh bishop. The bishop and the stake president actually came to our apartment just yesterday for a visit, and talked to us about it. FOr some reason, talking about it makes me more and more angry and depressed, it doesn’t seem to help me. I hate being reminded. I thought we were having a perfect marriage, aside from the sex life. We always had so much fun together. He gets straight A’s in extremely difficult classes at BYU. He’s a genius, hilarious, and has many friends. But he hurt me so much. I am trying to be positive, and I have hope knowing that you are still strong even after all that you have experienced…you are truly amazing. Your daughter is so lucky to have you as a mother.
Comment by Kristine — January 7, 2010 @ 7:12 pm
I think the criteria for a Mormon man being addicted would be a little different than a person who doesn’t think it’s wrong.
If a Mormon man knows his wife will leave and he still looks at porn, he is addicted. I heard a therapist describe addiction as repeating a behavior despite the negative consequences. If a man faces losing his job or his family by looking at porn and he just can’t stop - it’s an addiction.
I also think this is a chicken before the egg situation. Does a man rely on porn because he has a mental illness or does indulging in porn change his brain chemistry until he is mentally ill?
Comment by Sarah — January 15, 2010 @ 8:40 pm
Kristine,
I don’t know if you are checking back after your comment, but I was in a similar situation to you.
My first husband had multiple “p0rn problems” that continued to escalate during our marriage. Just because your husband is intelligent, humorous,and great with people doesn’t mean that he’s worth suffering for. My ex has always been a charmer, and is very intelligent (in fact, he just finished law school and passed the bar in another state and is “having trouble” with his current marriage — according to my ex-SIL).
YOU should get YOURSELF a good counselor. Take care of yourself. That is my biggest regret. I wish I had gone to therapy and had a good sounding board, but I was focused on “being a good wife” and “helping my husband away from his bad choices”. I kept it all to myself and tried to support/police/mother/save him. My parents didn’t know anything — no one knew anything until we seperated after the first time he cheated physically.
It does suck, and it eats at you day after day after day. Your bishop and SP are trying to keep a marriage (temple, I’m assuming) together, but *your* priority is YOU. It’s not your job to save your husband, it’s his (and the Savior). You *do* deserve to be treated with respect and dignity and *love*. Neglecting your sexual needs, and abandoning you for video games and p0rn is *not* treating you with respect.
If you’re interested in talking outside of fmh about this, you can find me through my blog.
Comment by ErinAnn — January 15, 2010 @ 11:41 pm
Kristine-
From a different perspective- several years into our marriage, I caught my Mister looking at prn. (I posted about this on the Gospel in Action thread, but it must have gotten caught in the spam filter).
It was horrible, but I decided that in our situation, I would stay with him and help him. I felt like he was a good man, who had gotten caught up in something before he was really old enough to know better, and that there was no guarantee that a future husband wouldn’t have the same or worse problems.
We went to our bishop (who assured me it had NOTHING to do with me), we went to LDS social services, which taught us about how the addiction was like a well-worn trail through a forest, and once he got on the trail, it was very difficult to get off- he had to learn new coping methods to form a new path. And finally after his last relapse I made him go to the LDS support groups. For him, that was the turning point.
We also told our family members, and that is where we have found the most support. He’s been “clean” for 3 years (maybe 4?).
There is hope, but he has to get over the shame and admit that he has a problem. He also has to be willing to tell you if he’s been tempted, when and how, without you asking. I think that’s the only way to rebuild the trust. I know it’s hard to listen to, but better to hear up front than to not know and not be able to trust him.
If you want, I have a blog that I wrote to get me through that time, its, http://whysophie.blogspot.com
Hope it helps.
Comment by Alliegator — January 16, 2010 @ 10:13 am
Also, anyone who needs someone to talk to, feel free to email me. My Mister is also more than happy to talk to anyone who might benefit from talking to someone who’s been there. Email me and I can send you his email address as well.
alliegator321 at gmail dot com
Comment by Alliegator — January 16, 2010 @ 10:14 am
Alliegator,
Thanks for putting the other side. I attended a retreat for SAA 12-steppers and their SO’s. I was so impressed by the men and women who were really working the steps. They were so honest, so earnest and completely committed to their recovery. My ex did not work the program. I’m glad that your family has been so supportive of your husband, and that he’s found a way out. The programs really do work, if you use them.
Comment by ErinAnn — January 16, 2010 @ 10:45 am
I am need of help. If I don’t talk about this I will go crazy. For six years now-starting less than a year after my marriage the love of my life-my spouse has been going through over and over the rise and fall of pn in our lives. We have gone through the 12 steps twice and each time he seemed to renounce it for good and became again the wonderful man that I married-for six months, then would come the inevitable tempation and he would fall. A little background, for most of the last 7 years of our marriage I have suffered an extemely painful and debilitating rare illness, which has scarred us and out little children, it is always during the worst of these times that he is tempted, when I am down and out physically and can’t perform my marital obligations, and that is when he falls. What do I do? How can I help him? I love him so much that I would charge all the forces of hell with a bucket of water and stand toe-to toe slugging it out Satan himself rather than let my husband be destroyed, but nothing I say seems to get through. This is destroying us.
Comment by Jen — March 31, 2010 @ 6:52 am
I have been married to my hubby for 6 years. I caught him looking at porn 4 months into our marriage. I have policed/mothered/forced him to get help but he always relapses. I have come to understand that the desire to change has to come from him. There is nothing you can do to help him unless he wants to be helped.
I’m not sure what I would have done if I would have understood this concept 3 or 4 or 5 years ago. We always talk about our children having the freedom to choose but I never thought I’d have to apply it to my husband at such a great extent.
Anyways, I moved out 6 weeks ago. So far it’s not going so great. At this point I am choosing to take care of myself. There’s nothing else I can do. If you want to talk more about this (I have a friend who’s hubby has been into prn for their whole 17 yr marriage and she isn’t going to leave him) then feel free to email me at jan.southwick@gmail.com
Jan
Comment by Jan — April 5, 2010 @ 6:45 pm
Jan- I hope things work out for you- however that may be. You’re right, the desire to change has to come from within. My Mister relapsed more than several times, because part of him didn’t want to let go of his addiction. We were lucky, the group meetings did something for him and made him want to stop.
Jen- get all the help you can. Bishop, counseling, group meetings, family support, computer programs. Picking away at the problem does nothing, you have to attack it with every resource available. I hope your husband finds the desire to change. It’s hard, but it is possible.
Comment by Alliegator — April 6, 2010 @ 9:12 am
First of all, referring to your husband as “My Mister” is way to close to “My Master” and it is a bit creepy. I read your post regarding gender roles and, frankly, I am not surprised that you are horrified by the idea of pornography. I am wondering if this strict delineation of gender roles and the related expectations in your household has not contributed, in some way, to the “problem” of pornography within your walls.
Allow me to make my point.
Pornography, nudity, sexuality are not the enemy here.
They are a natural part of the human experience, like eating, sleeping, using the bathroom, etc. Sexual drives were created by god, if you believe the creationist line, for a reason. Sexual drives serve to facilitate pair bonding between mating couples. It works that way in nature and it works that way in humans. Straight up.
Attempting to repress any of them completely will only intensify their expression.
I am not advocating complete hedonism, but I do believe in healthy expression.
Humans have an added dimension. We are sentient. We recognize ourselves in a mirror and we are capable of pondering the nature of our own existence. However, we are hardwired in a certain way and DO act according to that hard wiring whether we know it or not.
We cannot live a compartmentalized existence. In order to be a complete, well rounded, well adjusted human being, we must allow expression of natural inclinations within prescribed boundaries. I have noticed, over the years, a very strange tendency on the part of LDS and recovering LDS members to shift into complete hedonism the minute the shackles of religious oppression are remove. When they begin drinking, they drink to excess. When they start having sex, they are promiscuous. When they begin to question divine authority, they turn rabid and angry. This settles down eventually and reaches a more moderate stage where none of these acts actually holds power over them anymore. Most people that I associate with not of the LDS persuasion do not show this tendency, but approach life with a degree of moderation.
I believe it is in response to the years of repression behind the inherent drives. Pornography is no different. What of overeating? Is that really a different expression?
What about hyper-religiosity?
Repression gives rise to excess and deviation.
Healthy expression gives rise to moderation.
There is a marker tendency in the LDS faith toward deification of the human male. Look at the folklore that surrounds its founder, its leaders and its priesthood holders. They pressure to become a demi-god or transcend some imaginary state referred to as “the natural man” has created a real conundrum. Too much is expected. Way too much.
The LDS faith creates unnatural, oddly delineated, unrealistic roles and expectation for man and woman. Joseph Smith himself was very active sexually with multiple partners in, and out, of the bonds of marriage, yet he is revered as a perfected man. What are we really saying here? Maybe suppressed sexuality is key to the kingdom, with its promise of sister wives and endless sexual union with perfected bodies of self styled planets.
Brigham Young advocated plural marriage as THE cure for promiscuity, whoredomes and masturbation. Do you understand the implications of that statement? He was advocating expression of sexuality, not repression. He was teaching that repression leads to excess and deviation. Could the drive toward satiation of sexual drive through the seeking of novelty in multiple partners actually be something that is taught, indirectly, in the quorums of the LDS church? Does any TBM male not, at sometime in their church career, fantasize about servicing multiple wives? It is in the history. It is in the doctrine. The last time I looked, polygamy was required to reach the CK.
Section 132 is still there…Doubt that? Read the history. These men were not as saintly as they would have you believe. If you are struggling with your man just looking at naked pictures of women he doesn’t have any kind of contact with or connection to, how will you handle it when he has thousands of readily available, emotionally attached spouses that he is engaging with sexually on a regular basis. What is he has children with them?
I’m not making this stuff up. It’s in the doctrine. It is part of the whole paradigm. It is possible, sisters, that the LDS faith actually promotes a tendency to express sexual novelty in its male members just as it encourages subservience, obedience and repression of sexual expression for its female members. That kinda fits that paradigm. How do you think Joseph’s wife felt when he was sleeping with Fanny Alger or any one of the 30+ documented plural wives? Is that kinda like you felt when you caught your priesthood holder looking at pornography? Maybe you should spend some serious time thinking about that. Enough said.
Meanwhile, out in the real world…
Sex isn’t evil. It isn’t dark. It doesn’t come from Satan or devils. It is part of all of us. Male sex drives, sisters may want to take note of this one, allows us, as men, to completely forget about all of the petty, little annoyances that we deal with in relationships. Sex is the great reset button, the equalizer, they comforter in a committed relationship whether you want to see that or not. Ask your husbands and boyfriends.
Observe them. When are they the happiest? When are they the most agreeable?
Say what you want, this is a fact.
You have a great deal of power here. You can make things horrible, or you can make things run smoothly with that power. I would go as far as to suggest a blanket refusal to acknowledge the power of female sexuality and the outright refusal to engage it in interpersonal relationships is at the core of all pornography issues. We are all drawn, men and women alike, to sexual power and virility. The expressions and external manifestations differ slightly according to the sexes, but the draw is there none the less.
Why do you fear that power? What is it about women that embody and celebrate it that really disturbs you? Is it your husband’s attention to the power of other women that disturbs you, or the total inability to embody it yourselves? It really is more than naked pictures. You are powerful beyond belief in a man’s world when you own your own sexuality. That is why you are urged not to. That kind of power has always threatened the patriarchy and their tenuous seat of authority. What are you so afraid of?
Honest, open, loving, committed relationships that have a great degree of sexual expression in a safe, non judgmental setting are amazing and healing experiences. What could be more rewarding, more fulfilling then spending intimate time with someone you love and trust completely, exploring, without guilt or shame, every aspect of one another. Pleasing and touching. Holding each other naked and close, striving, mutually, to give each other as much pleasure as you possibly can. Communicating wants and desires without fear or embarrassment. That is real beauty. That is real love. That is real intimacy.
In the absence of this safety, there will always be resentment and guilt. In the absence of safe, loving expression, there will always be a search for novelty outside of the relationship. Pornography doesn’t judge or belittle. It doesn’t get a headache or act repulsed when touched. It doesn’t pressure you to be more than is humanly possible. It is a lot like donuts. It loves you regardless….
Comment by PapaKrok — April 6, 2010 @ 12:14 pm
PS
Sare,
Your husband was mentally ill. I’m so sorry.
Comment by PapaKrok — April 6, 2010 @ 12:23 pm
LDS social services recently started a new website… http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/
These storeis are heart breaking. Sare-I’m so glad you have been able to move on. The doubt and blaming yoruself-and the manipulation of a spouse that you do so-is so hard.
Comment by britt k — April 6, 2010 @ 12:46 pm
As an LDS male trying desperately to recover from a pornography addiction, I know these types of stories well. I am trying to share a limited version of my daily struggle with the world in the hopes that it will help others and me. The website is: http://www.letterstopete.com - thanks!
Comment by Andrew — June 12, 2010 @ 4:32 am