Caught in the Act

By: fMhLisa - May 3, 2009

We locked our bedroom door this morning.

I was in the midst of being focused and rather goal oriented, when dh said, “Oh hello Buttercup.”

Buttercup (6), having found our door locked, went around to the patio door (which I hadn’t bothered to lock because it was raining buckets!) and let herself in. She gave us a— hello nice to see you and aren’t I clever to come in the back door— look, and continued coming into the room.

Unlike my husbands rather neutral response, I promptly said in mean mom voice, “Get out of here.”

The wailings and lamentations drifting though the house killed my focus entirely.

I think her response to seeing us (continuing into the room with a grin on) indicates that she wasn’t much concerned about what she was seeing, however, my mean mom voice response was clearly traumatic.

I wonder what/if she will remember.

Which brings to mind my brother’s fond first memory; Mother and Father and he in the shower and mother asking “Do you think he’ll remember this?” He most certainly wouldn’t have, if she hadn’t just seared it into his memory.

So how have you responded when caught doin’ it? And how did your parents respond when you caught them? (I can’t remember ever catching my parents). How should we respond, do you think? And further when and where do you carve out time and space for more than a quickie when your house is filled with nosy entitled mannerless monsters who knock on every locked door and rattle the door knobs saying “can I come in” “why not?” “the dog wants to come in” “how much longer are you going to be?” and “What are you doing in there anyway?”

And just for fun a story too weird to be kept to myself, even if that is probably where is should stay. You have been warned.

So when dh and I were newly weds, we were house sitting for my Auntie, and we were home in the afternoon, on my Auntie’s bed doin’ what newly weds do. And suddenly we noticed a woman standing in the doorway staring at us. We jumped up and ran into the bathroom (for we were ashamed of our nakidness, even though she didn’t seem to mind). And then I kid you not, she started talking to us, “Hi, I’m your uncle’s secretary and I have some boxes I need to bring in the house, could someone help me?”

So not only did she let herself into the house, without knocking, then walk through the house without (to my knowledge) calling out hello is anyone home as I think would be both wise and polite under the circumstances, but then upon finding two strange people having sex on her boss’s bed, instead of running away and pretending she’s never been there, she asked us for help unloading boxes. I kid you not.

So I put on some clothes and helped her unload boxes.

150 Comments »

  1. Never caught my parents doing it, and my only child is too young to care yet (I hope, he’s only a year old) though he does seem to have an arousal alarm- “someone in this house is aroused, I need to start crying NOW”.
    Fun story, a friend of mine got caught by their four-year-old who promptly responded “Daddy, that’s a funny dance you’re doing with mommy”.

    Comment by Jen — May 3, 2009 @ 6:18 pm

  2. Not a human story but an animal story - We have a gay dog. (Common question: How do you know he’s gay? Answer: Because he likes to have sex with male dogs.) One day as he and my SIL’s dog (his boyfriend) were, erm, becoming reacquainted in front of all of us, my 3 year old niece said, “The doggies are hugging!”

    Another time we were rounding up cows. One of the cows was bulling, and as a bull hopped on her back to go about his business, my 6 year old nephew shouted out, “Woohoo, look at his carrot!”

    Comment by Quimby — May 3, 2009 @ 6:25 pm

  3. As to how to respond - it depends on the age of the child. We can take the direct approach with our 9 year old son. “Mom and Dad need some privacy.” Then double check the door lock. When our now adult son was three, we cleverly assumed he was set up with Sesame Street and his favorite snack. Our attention was obviously elsewhere, when we discovered him climbing onto our bed and up onto my (thankfully covered) back yelling, “Yeah - I want a horsey ride on mommy!” My husband was mortified but silent. Me? I laughed my head off.

    On catching my parents when I was 13 - I was horrified. But looking back now my attitude is ‘good for them!’

    Comment by annastasiam — May 3, 2009 @ 6:39 pm

  4. I was just having this conversation with someone, as our kids are now old enough to know why we lock the door (and the 11y/o sleeps in a bedroom just below ours). My instinct is to keep them in the dark and schedule it when they are asleep - but sometimes that doesn’t work.

    I never caught my parents, that I can remember, so I don’t have any idea how to handle it. I look forward to the helpful tips that will appear in this thread. First, I will start checking the patio door - thanks Lisa!

    To share my getting caught story: At about 6 months married, Mr. Eris convinced me to “be friendly” in his parents trailer while they slept on the other side of the divider. Yeah, they didn’t sleep long and the whole family talked about it for weeks whenever I wasn’t around.

    Comment by Eris — May 3, 2009 @ 6:51 pm

  5. Hilarious stories! (I’m afraid I don’t have anything to add, as I can’t recall being on either side of the caught line.)

    Comment by Kevin Barney — May 3, 2009 @ 6:59 pm

  6. We have not been caught (may be a function of our frequency in doing it - or infrequency). But, since I’ve started “the talks” with my children about sex and told my kids that they can ask any question they want, the only question I refuse to answer (that they ask repeatedly) is, “So, when do you guys have sex?” THAT is none of their business - even when they say, “We won’t watch”.

    Comment by Stephanie — May 3, 2009 @ 7:20 pm

  7. We call the children’s ability to sense when we are being amorous “radar”. As in,
    Daddy: “Who’s beating on the bedroom door now?”
    Mommy: “I guess Clarisse’s radar went off.”

    I caught my mom and step-father in the act. The TV was so loud in the middle of the night in the living room that I got up to ask whoever to turn it down. I’m still getting therapy for it. (Shutter!!)

    My wife and I spent our wedding night in front of a cosy fire. Needless to say, a fire brings back pleasant memories. We were caught by one of our teen-age daughters one night as we were occupied in fornt of the living room fireplace. I haven’t determined why she came down from her bedroom. I had turned the TV off (shutter!!!).

    When they were little, I would feed the children. Then place them in front of the TV to keep them occupied. But occasionally, the radar would go off.

    Comment by Floyd the Wonderdog — May 3, 2009 @ 7:21 pm

  8. I’ve never been caught but the summer after my husband and I were married we lived with his parents. One day he and his mom were talking about how thin the walls are in the house, and my husband said something about how you can hear someone talking in the next room next to you. My MIL replied by saying “yeah, and you can hear that bed upstairs too!” Opps…

    Comment by shannon — May 3, 2009 @ 7:47 pm

  9. Floyd, did you take pictures? ;) (psst–I think you meant “shudder!”)

    We’ve never been caught in the act, though we’ve had some near-misses, and certainly a few times where we’ve had to be quiet lest they hear us over PBS Kids.

    Comment by janeannechovy — May 3, 2009 @ 8:39 pm

  10. I caught my parents when I was 12. I got up to get ready for school, and my dad having a night job had just got home and was apparently warming up. I just reached into their room to close the door so the shower didn’t wake them - just like I always did. And was shocked to see the entire backside of my dad. I still, but abruptly, closed the door and fled to the bathroom where i locked the door and cried from embarrassment. My mom came to the door and asked if I was ok. I just said i was getting in the shower. It wasn’t mentioned again until 20 years later when I revealed it to my brothers over a family dinner. It was then very funny.

    I did however, at 12, go to school and tell all my friends. One of which told me to be thankful my parents loved each other enough to do that. AND now I ask, What does love gotta do with it? (Stop singing the song you oldies, hahaha).

    Comment by shakti — May 3, 2009 @ 8:57 pm

  11. Had some friends who got caught by their 4 year old son. They didn’t know how long he had been standing there, but he suddenly asked, “Daddy, can I wrestle mommy too?”

    Comment by shakti — May 3, 2009 @ 8:58 pm

  12. I caught my parents by accident when I was sixteen. Trust me, I knew to leave immediately and never speak a word of it again. However, my mother felt awful, came into my room ten minutes later (where I proceeded to put my head under the blanket and say “I don’t want to talk about this, EVER and next time LOCK YOUR *$&% DOOR!”

    My mother did not leave, and in fact proceeded to tell me that she meant to lock the door, “just sometimes your dad gets too carried away and”…..insert other details about my father’s sex drive that his daughter NEVER wanted to hear.

    Shudder.

    I don’t know if it was good my mom tried to talk it out, or if I would have preferred the “let’s pretend it never happened” route.

    Comment by D'Arcy — May 3, 2009 @ 9:00 pm

  13. I grew up in California and when I was about 5 years old, there was a pretty bad earthquake that shook me up and gave me an earthquake phobia.

    Fast-forward 8 years: We’re on a 7-week family camping trek across the United States, everyone sleeping in a tent-trailer somewhere between Missouri and Ohio - not earthquake country. But in the middle of the night, the trailer’s shaking like crazy. I woke up terrified and almost screamed for fear. Then, realizing what was actually happening, I almost screamed with mortification. In the end, I remained silent and tried to put it out of my mind forever (guess that didn’t work).

    Comment by boysmama — May 3, 2009 @ 9:34 pm

  14. Quimby, I grew up with a female black lab that was lesbian. My dad tried to breed her by making a sort of “lock” that was 2×4’s etc. When the male tried to mount her, she tore apart the wood and was vicious to the male. She was very happy when the other females were in heat.

    Totally off topic. Just the first time I have heard of another dog with gay tendencies.

    Comment by shakti — May 3, 2009 @ 9:44 pm

  15. Shakti, my DH’s sister had a lesbian black poodle. She was a tiny little dog and whenever another dog tried to mount her she’d sit down and growl at them until they left her alone. She lived out a very long life without (to the best of our knowledge) ever engaging in sex with a male dog.

    Come to think of it though we never saw her do it with a female dog either, so maybe she was a nun? Our gay dog is Dognostic (he believes there is a Dog but doesn’t know what breed has the truth about him); our other dog is Mormon; so maybe the black poodle was Catholic.

    Comment by Quimby — May 3, 2009 @ 9:53 pm

  16. That is hysterical!!! My lab was willing to try on all the shoes, but never fully purchased a complete pair. She was void of male contact as well, lucky b%*@h! haha

    Comment by shakti — May 3, 2009 @ 9:57 pm

  17. 15 The gay dog is Mormon? Does he know about the Moho’s? I hope you’re making sure he’s supported, Quimby. I know you’ve got a toddler and an infant, a job and a blog to worry about, but take some time to talk to your Bishop, explain the situation and outline your expectations for his being welcomed in the congregation. Maybe that’s not funny…

    I was 15 and trying to sneak out for the first time. We lived in a singlewide and my room was next to my folks. Overt your eyes, geek-haters, but it was the inaugural Dead Poets Society meeting and my friends were parked down the lane, waiting to take me to the Indian Caves outside town so we could raucously cavort under the influence of Whitman, Vachal Lindsay, Cummings and Lorde. I was unusually quiet that night. I didn’t tell my friends what took me so long or why I wasn’t so excited. Blech.

    Comment by crazywomancreek — May 3, 2009 @ 10:11 pm

  18. I don’t have any children of my own (yet) but remember this vividly…

    When I was about 14 years old, I used to babysit regularly for a couple with two children. One night they said they would be out especially late and suggested that rather than driving me home in the middle of the night, I could spent the night in the guestroom and they would drive me home the next morning. So I put the kids to bed and went to bed pretty early myself. The next morning, I woke up earlier than everyone else and decided to go take a shower. I neglected to lock the bathroom door….and after awhile, had the most peculiar feeling that someone was watching me. I turned around and there was the four-year-old daughter, who had walked into the bathroom and pulled back the shower curtain and was staring at me, eyes as big as saucers!

    I scolded her and told her the needed to leave….but I had a hell of a time trying to explain what happened to the parents!

    Comment by Kate — May 3, 2009 @ 10:12 pm

  19. No, the gay dog is Dognostic. The other dog is Mormon. The gay dog is the reincarnation of Vlad Lenin and the Mormon dog was a cheerleader in her last life.

    Comment by Quimby — May 3, 2009 @ 10:15 pm

  20. We had homosexual, polyamorous cats when I was growing up. I’m not sure whether it was intentional, or because generations of inbreeding had left their mental processes so slow that they couldn’t tell.

    I never exactly walked in on my parents, but I stepped on a used condom one weekend when I was home from college. I said to my mother “I think I’m going to go wash my foot now” and she said “your father never has been very good about cleaning up after himself.” We’ve never spoken of it since. And having gotten over my initial horrified, pumice stone scrubbing, multiple shower response, I think it’s nice they’re still in love.

    As for getting caught myself? There was a day that my brother came over to my house unannounced, found the doors locked, and couldn’t reach either me or my husband on our cell phones. He called our mom to get the number for my in-laws, who live a mile or so away. They came over. Nothing like a welcome party assembling in your backyard for when you decide to come and unlock your doors. And having to phone your mom and tell her that you’re fine and there’s no need to worry.

    Comment by Beth — May 3, 2009 @ 10:30 pm

  21. Quimby, I love that you have a gay dog. Our neighbors have a gay chocolate lab. We found out he was gay when his chain broke and I offered to let him stay in our dog run with our two dogs. The chocolate lab could not get away from our female border collie, Mabel, fast enough - but he would not quit mounting our male border collie, Bingo. Poor Bingo. He has serious issues still.

    Comment by Eris — May 3, 2009 @ 10:36 pm

  22. Oh. MY. HECK…!!! “Do you think he will remember?” What in the….??? For the love of all that is holy….

    I’m dying here…

    My friend was getting jiggy with it when she noticed her bedroom door open. She turned to her hubby and asked ‘did you lock the door?’ to which he responded ‘uh ya…’ a few mins later she heard a noise. Her husband then calls out to the child who often comes in at night and sleeps on the floor, ‘nacho are you in here?’ , to which the child responded ‘ yes’. Husband then sternly says, ‘leave now’ and jumped off the bed and closed the door in one motion.

    I just about died laughing so hard. I mean my twisted horrible mind was thinking what position were they in? How much did the child see? AHHAHA….!!!

    My only caught story, really wasn’t so much getting caught but more… well, we were having some fun, the door to our bedroom was open just a little (which normally is locked) we were trying some new things when my bedside lamp turns on. I freaked out! Looked around the room to my surprise no one was in there but me and my hubby. Twice that happened in the same setting.

    My sister one night climbed the stairs knocked on my parents door and politely asked them to stop jumping on the bed because it was keeping her awake!

    Comment by Sunshine — May 3, 2009 @ 10:39 pm

  23. cwc…. oh my hell…. I can’t breath I am laughing so hard….. oh crap…

    Comment by Sunshine — May 3, 2009 @ 10:45 pm

  24. Kate, the one time I allowed a friend to sleep over, I got the boys all engaged in breakfast and watching a movie downstairs, I shut my bedroom and bathroom doors and thought I’d be safe to jump in for a quick shower. I didn’t lock it because I knew that if I locked it, my youngest would stand by the door and scream. So, I was all naked about to walk in the shower, and in walks the friend. He stood there in shock. I said, “Friend, turn around and shut the door and then tell me what you need”. So, he did, and life went on. I called his mom to let her know what happened, but noone seems terribly scarred from the experience. Although about two years later my oldest said, “Mom, remember when friend saw you naked?”

    Comment by Stephanie — May 3, 2009 @ 10:49 pm

  25. My oldest was 5 and asked me one day (in front of a large group of people, I might add), “Mama, why were you going ‘huh huh huh’ last night? It woke me up!”

    Then just a few weeks ago my husband gave me the look and said ‘tonight’s the night, honey”, and that drove my curious children crazy to know what fun thing we were going to do. My oldest gave a knowing look and said, “Oh, they must be doing that special thing that married people do that I don’t quite understand yet.”

    Comment by Becca — May 3, 2009 @ 10:50 pm

  26. My ex had a gay male Rottweiler, who only went after the other male dog, and ignored the female Border collie that hadn’t been spayed yet because she was anemic. This was before he was neutered, which took care of the issue. The female was also spayed after the iron supplements worked.

    As to the other topic, I never walked in on my parents, but I figured out what was going on when the dogs who normally slept in the room with them were sitting outside their door.

    Comment by Adrienne — May 3, 2009 @ 11:14 pm

  27. I just wanted to clarify,
    when I reread the post just now, the story about the shower coming so close after the story of being caught doin’ it, I just wanted to be clear (in case it wasn’t) that in my brothers memory they’re just showering, the three of them. My parents were just getting the family clean.

    But I also do wonder, if you think about it, for most of human history people have lived in close quarters, yurts and one room hutches and teepees. There was no privacy at night, and I wonder if it was just an expected part of life that if mom and dad were making noises you just turned your back and ignored it.

    Comment by fmhLisa — May 3, 2009 @ 11:22 pm

  28. I don’t have kids yet but I do have my own humiliating experience! The first few months my husband and I were married we lived with my in-laws in their basement. We’d been back from our honeymoon for about a week when I came home from work one day and my husband had a funny look on his face so I asked him what was going on. He preceded to show me the huge foam pads his dad had “secretly” placed behind our headboard that day. knowing your father in law has heard you have sex with his son is definitely up there on the mortifying list.

    Comment by Ashley — May 3, 2009 @ 11:50 pm

  29. Ashley, just wait until you’re pregnant. There’s something about telling your dad that kind of makes you die a little inside - on the one hand, he’s thrilled to become a grandpa, and on the other you can’t help but think, “And now he knows we’ve actually been doing it.”

    Comment by Quimby — May 3, 2009 @ 11:53 pm

  30. My aunt and uncle broke the bed their first night of being married in my Grandparent’s house (before leaving for their honeymoon). Not actually doing anything (yet)–it was an old bed. My Grandpa rushed up to see what was going on with his little girl, and then quietly shut the door and left. Awk. ward.

    Comment by tkangaroo — May 4, 2009 @ 12:42 am

  31. I caught my parents twice.

    The first time was when I was about 7. I was the second oldest of five children, but my older brother was mentally retarded and the next oldest brother was autistic. My parents would go into their bedroom in mid-day and leave me to look after all four of the other kids for what felt like an awfully long time, and I was extremely frustrated that they wouldn’t explain to me what they were doing. I mean, two mentally ill brothers and a toddler and a baby were a lot for a 7 year-old to look after.

    Their bedroom door had one of those cheap locks that could be opened with a thin, watercolor paintbrush, so one day I got frustrated and decided to open the door and tell them to get the hell out of the bedroom and come watch their own freakin’ kids. No really, that’s how I thought as a 7 year-old. I was intense.

    So I popped open the door and… Dad was on top of Mom, on top of the covers. Totally naked. INTERLOCKED! I closed the door and fled to my bedroom. The conversation I had with my father afterward was only awkward, something to the effect of, “Now you know why you shouldn’t unlock my bedroom door, dumbass.”

    The second time was when I was 24, and I didn’t really catch them in the act per se. I came to my parents bedroom to see them; the door was just barely ajar so I started talking and pushing it open. My mom was naked under the covers and my dad was crossing the bedroom naked and I saw EVERYTHING. Plus my mom had a fairly perverse, abrasive sense of humor (now you know where I get it from) so she blurted out, “Look out, honey, I think she saw your big dick!” “No, I didn’t see anything!” I lied, and she repeated, “No, I think you saw your father’s big dick.”

    Now that one was totally their fault. I mean yeah, I guess I should have knocked, but the door was unlocked and cracked open. What the hell man.

    Our daughter is still 2. She has demonstrated that she’s capable of escaping her crib though, so we are officially in the danger zone. She has also demonstrated great potential for taking things apart mechanically and figuring out how they work, so I’m sure we have a door-unlocking incident in our future.

    Comment by Bridget Jack Meyers — May 4, 2009 @ 12:42 am

  32. What a great post Lisa, thanks. It’s been wonderful to read stories from all across the spectrum.

    I don’t ever remember walking in on my parents. As far as our own kids (there are 4 of)… We had a pop-up camper for a number of years and told’m straight up that if the camper was a rockin’, don’t come aknockin’. They seemed pretty well mortified, but they were warned and we were not disturbed.

    What we do today… put a tie on the doorknob, lock the door, and close the curtains/blinds. When we finally emerge from our bedroom with that just-showered freshness, our teenagers roll their eyes. One suggested we “get a room” to which I responded, “that IS our room.” hehehehe

    This is a great Monday our there sisters and brothers. :)

    Comment by Mary Magdalene — May 4, 2009 @ 3:45 am

  33. Someday my dd may tell me what was behind this comment, which she made to my friend when sleeping over her house:

    “Does your husband sleep naked like my daddy does?”

    If we were caught…I wasn’t aware of it at the time.

    Comment by Kimberly — May 4, 2009 @ 5:57 am

  34. My parents have never had sex. Ever. Nope. Not ever.

    Comment by newbie — May 4, 2009 @ 10:21 am

  35. Those are some pretty funny stories. Never caught my parents. I have never been caught. At least that I know of.

    My brother travels a lot for business. On his way home he would stop and buy skittles. When he got home he would greet the children. Then he would proceed to the back door, open the bag of skittles and throw and scatter them on the lawn. They he would go back and greet his wife. At least that is what he said.

    This wouldn’t always work but we had a policy in our house that we taught our children at a very young age. That was that we never enter anyone’s bedroom without knocking. The same went for parents and children. We didn’t enter their bedrooms without knocking either.

    Comment by cyclingred — May 4, 2009 @ 10:49 am

  36. I never saw anything, but I came home from work early one night last year and heard my parents. And even that was enough for me. *shudder*

    I’d take the knocking a step further. Not only do you knock, but you wait for someone to tell you to come in. At least it’ll give a chance to cover up if you are up to something! :-)

    Comment by belluschanteuse — May 4, 2009 @ 11:17 am

  37. I’m surprised that I never did catch my parents. I had a lot of growing pains during the night as a kid (and was generally insomniac), and so I was constantly waking up my parents to ask them if I could take some pain killers. And I have a lot of younger siblings, so yeah, I’m surprised I never caught them. (I eventually figured out that since they said yes every time, I didn’t need to ask to take pills anymore.)

    Comment by Redoubt — May 4, 2009 @ 11:55 am

  38. I can remember getting busy with the spouse when my kids were quite young. My 1 year old son was outside the door crying. My four year old daughter came up to him and said “Mommy and daddy are doing Oh Babies. They will come out later.” Oh baby; oh baby; oh baby

    Comment by StillConfused — May 4, 2009 @ 11:57 am

  39. We had a similar experience as annastasiam. Our son walked in on us and being that we were to the point of now return he climbed on the back of my husband and “rode the bucking horse”.
    Another experience that was potentially more embarrasing was when this same son came down the stairs (with neighbors visiting) holding my anatomically correct vibrator and asks ” look what I found” My husband ran to him and pick him up as he rushed him upstairs. Nothing was said by our friends so I don’t know if they really knew what he had in hand but it was embarrasing

    Comment by Harlin — May 4, 2009 @ 12:29 pm

  40. My daughter caught us when she was 5 because we were stupid and didn’t shut our door or own a lock for it. We do now have a lock up high on the door in our bedroom door.

    When she caught us we were not in a position in which you can cover up or pretend anything else is happening. My husband went to talk to her and explain a little about babies and showing love. She was OK with it all, but was worried I was hurt. I told her I wasn’t. The next day she, I believe wanting a baby in the house, gave me permission to do it again.

    My son really wants a younger brother or sister. Since her found how babies are made, he asks us if we are fitting together to make a baby. We keep telling him that we have to make that decision, so now he asks if we are talking about having a baby.

    I never walked in on my parents, but would often here my mom giggling late at night. I never knew what was going on till I got married.

    Comment by miles — May 4, 2009 @ 12:31 pm

  41. My mother in law has a total radar for whenever I happen to be defiling her baby boy. We have been caught a ridiculous number of times and we always think we’re being careful. Once was at three in the morning for crying out loud. No one’s ever seen us naked but they sure love to comment on figuring out what we’re up to. When Bear got a big fancy job we snuck off for some time together, MIL comes knocking on the door and when she heard frantic rustling she goes, “Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt your celebratory…….celebrations.”

    That has now become our code word. “You feel like some celebratory celebrations tonight?”

    Once when we were early married my BIL came to stay with us for a weekend. He was still single and the inlaws warned us to be sensitive and not drape all over each other all the time, so we were. I didn’t even sit on the same couch as my husband. Then on the last night of his trip he went out to visit friends, so we got down to business. I can be quite vocal when I’m enjoying myself, and when we were finished we heard noises coming from the other room. We both looked at each other in horror and asked, “Did you leave the tv on?”

    We just rolled over and went to bed, far too mortified to investigate. Turns out BIL’s friends stood him up so he came home, and turned the television up louder and louder and louder. He left us a note the next morning thanking us for putting him up and letting us know that we do have neighbors to consider. He hasn’t visited since.

    Comment by reese — May 4, 2009 @ 1:07 pm

  42. I once walked in on a roomie with herself. She had her bedroom door closed so it was entirely my fault. A package had just come for her and it was one she had been very eagerly awaiting (a job offer). I shouted, the job offer came and rushed in to her room to give it to her, looked at her, went oh, dropped the envelope and fled the room. We never spoke of that again.

    Comment by Tami — May 4, 2009 @ 1:11 pm

  43. Wow Tami. Don’t know who that is more embarrising for? Was she covered or did you get the whole enchilada? My husband caught me once but he loved it!

    Comment by Harlin — May 4, 2009 @ 1:51 pm

  44. Resse - What the…???? Do you LIVE with your MIL? And you BIL needs to get over it. Seriously!

    Comment by Emily U — May 4, 2009 @ 2:00 pm

  45. Okay, I just remembered another one.

    My MIL comes every year for our anniversary and watches the kids so we can have a break. A couple of years ago we got a hotel and were having a good time, but I didn’t think we were particularly noisy. But then whoever was in the next room started pounding on the wall.

    And I agree that resse’s BIL totally needs to get over himself.

    Comment by fmhLisa — May 4, 2009 @ 2:19 pm

  46. 45 - were they pounding to get you to stop, or pounding via headboard on their own account?

    Comment by Beth — May 4, 2009 @ 2:32 pm

  47. This is such a fun thread:)

    Comment by Roxanna — May 4, 2009 @ 2:39 pm

  48. Okay mine’s not a “caught” one per se, but it makes me laugh every time I think of it.

    My mom came to visit about a year ago (or so?) and, as there is no such thing as a guest bedroom in a tiny Brooklyn apartment, Z and I gave up our bed to her. It was only after she left that I realized she’d been sleeping in our bed, for several days, with handcuffs clipped to the headboard the entire time…..

    She never said anything, but they’re kinda hard to miss….

    Comment by EmilyS — May 4, 2009 @ 2:55 pm

  49. One night at midnight, I was giving my wife some rather specific attention under the sheets (it was winter and cold in the room). Our 5 year old son opened our door and came running in as he had just had a nightmare.
    He promptly asked my wife why she was naked (he could see her shoulders were bare), and then asked why I was under the sheet. Luckily I spotted my wife’s top and grabbed it. I came out of the sheet and said that I was trying to find my wife’s shirt. This seemed to answer his questions, and he was led back to bed.
    We now lock our door.

    Comment by newlyfeministmale — May 4, 2009 @ 2:56 pm

  50. 43- no covers- I got the whole show. Being as I was completely in the wrong to bust in to her room, I kinda hope I was more embarrassed then her.

    Comment by Tami — May 4, 2009 @ 3:01 pm

  51. Re 48 (EmilyS): I have a frequent houseguest who loves to snoop. At first I was highly offended when I found out. Now I make it a point to leave something shocking in my lingerie drawer for her viewing pleasure (handcuffs, books, garters). She is a harmless little older lady who I love dearly. It’s the least I can do to spice up her life!

    Comment by Numi — May 4, 2009 @ 4:08 pm

  52. My bil tells the story of when he and his friend (ages 16) went into his parents room (lights were off, but door was open) to get some money out of his dad’s drawer. When they turned on the lights, they both got a nice view of the action. They ran out, but his dad yelled, “Wait!” and came running out in a bathrobe and sat them down in the living room to have a talk about how sex is natural and beautiful. Yeah, definitely don’t try to talk to teenagers about it immediately after you are caught. They will never get over it.

    Amazingly enough, we have never been caught. Several times our little 3 year old has come wandering in 5 minutes after the danger is over (she sleepwalks a little) but other than that, we’ve only had yelling and banging on the locked door.

    Comment by jen — May 4, 2009 @ 4:47 pm

  53. these are great!!!

    We’ve never been caught in the act, but we have DTD with MY parents in the next bed in the hotel (we were waiting for our house to close, I hadn’t seen DH for 3 weeks) and with DH’s sisters (14 and 18) in the next bed.
    I like to tell myself that they were all very soundly asleep or clueless.

    DH hates when we’re staying at my parent’s house (especially when we lived there for 2 weeks after we sold our house and before he left for his new job) because their guest room doesn’t have a lock. And it’s right next to the kitchen/family room (seriously- the door practically opens into the kitchen). And the headboard isn’t mounted to the bed, which we discovered can be noisy.

    Our DS is 2 and lately has been observing that mommy and daddy are naked in the morning. It actually made me laugh the other day when he looked at me and said, “mama’s naked.” “yes she is!”

    He’s walked in on us, but I always make sure we’re covered if he’s out roaming about. Why not lock? him crying at the door kills my mood. If DH can usher him out/distract again while warming up, things still happen. He’s pretty unphased by the naked thing.

    Comment by swampy — May 4, 2009 @ 4:47 pm

  54. Like Jen, I’ve only had yelling and banging on the door. Though this thread is making me consider getting an additional lock for our bedroom door. It’s also making wonder if I’m actually rather lucky that my kids are screen zombies (you put a movie on and they are dead to the world).
    Actually now that I think about sometimes the cats come out from under the bed in the middle of things. It’s really weird to turn around and find the cat sitting there watching. Then you wonder if your cat knows/cares that you’re having sex, or if the cat just thinks you’re cuddling and wants in on the action.
    Also, on being embarrassed about catching other people- on our honeymoon we stayed in a rather shabby hotel (it didn’t sound shabby when we made our reservations). We were also there over new years eve and that night we heard at least three different couples- very very clearly. Ahh memories.

    Comment by Starfoxy — May 4, 2009 @ 5:02 pm

  55. Not been caught yet. but the boy is getting better at figuring out ways to hate on dad.

    Comment by Sam Sneed — May 4, 2009 @ 5:08 pm

  56. Screaming and crying (or even just knocking) at the door definitely kills the mood.

    Comment by Stephanie — May 4, 2009 @ 5:22 pm

  57. All you married people are just bragging. Yeah, we don’t want to hear it. =)

    Comment by Tatiana — May 4, 2009 @ 5:30 pm

  58. A story from my wife when she was 16. She was on a road trip with her parents. They were in the front seat with her dad driving and mom cuddling next to him. She was in the back seat along with her brother and sister asleep (or so her parents thought.) She noticed her mother beginning to breath heavily and moan repeatedly, and she shot up quickly to ask her mother if she was okay. Her 12 year old sister grabbed her and pulled her back and told her, “They are having sex!” even though the station wagon was careening down the highway at a high rate of speed. My FIL was a multi-tasker before it was popular. At almost the same moment a tire loudly blew sending the car veering side to side across the road. Although she never discussed this with her parents she is still convinced that sex while driving is not safe sex.

    Fast forward a few years and picture married student housing, bare cinder block walls, a noisy mattress and box spring for us, a newlywed couple who lives above the ward gossip. We finally learned, after three years, that we were the talk of the ward. Perhaps noisily creating the holes that were rubbed in the cinderblock by the box springs were our undoing.

    Luckily our children have never walked in on us…yet. Our teenagers roll their eyes and thankfully run interference for the little ones when they know that love is in the air. I think they feel it is their sibling duty to save the younger generation, the way my SIL tried to save my wife.

    Comment by Desert Rat — May 4, 2009 @ 5:43 pm

  59. Emily U - We visit for a weekend about every other month, and it always seems to work out that we’re there when I’m at my most randy. DH thinks it’s a subconscious act of revenge against my MIL. We have a rather tense relationship over DH, and he thinks that I get a kick out of having a final say, so to speak.

    I’m thinking he might not be wrong.

    Comment by reese — May 4, 2009 @ 6:40 pm

  60. Emily S, (48)
    I think that your mother probably knew you well enough that she would have been surprised if there *weren’t* handcuffs on the bedpost! : )

    Comment by Sonnet — May 4, 2009 @ 8:02 pm

  61. My sisters and I were preparing a late night snack in the kitchen after coming home from some activity. My parents bedroom was right next to the kitchen and they had just gone to bed. We hear a few noises and then my mother dashes out of the bedroom half dresses to the bathroom. After her quick break she rushes back to the bedroom with out saying a word. Suddenly not hungry any more, my sisters and I put away the food and head to our bedrooms on the second floor where we won’t hear any more.

    We had a duck that wasn’t interested in other ducks. He tried to do it with the cats. He gave up on the older cats because they wouldn’t put up with him and they’d enforce their refusal with their claws. The younger cats couldn’t quite figure out what he was trying to do. We also had a peacock and peahen. One day we saw the peahen running across the barnyard with the duck directly behind her and the peacock directly behind him. We bought a couple of female ducks trying to redirect his energies. He ignored the female ducks until they gave up and flew off. My parents finally got fed up with him and he became Thanksgiving dinner one year.

    Comment by Angela May — May 4, 2009 @ 9:12 pm

  62. Numi, thanks for that tame comment. I don’t know if I could have handled anything more personal than that.
    ~sigh of relief~

    Comment by Eris — May 4, 2009 @ 9:54 pm

  63. Oh man! This is AWESOME! Haha. Thanks for the stories.

    I have to echo the cat thing (Starfoxy, 54). Why do they stare so much? One of our kitties has a favorite game where we like to put our hands under the blanket and move it around and he has to find it and pounce on it. This has resulted in us sometimes finishing off with a kitty on one of our backs.

    I think the most embarrassing one was on the honeymoon road trip. (Possible TMI alert!!) We stayed one night at DH’s grandparents house. On the way, we had stopped and bought some fresh cherries from a roadside farm, and I ate a ton of them before bed. (The relevance of this fact will become apparent momentarily.) We stayed in the guest bedroom, the door to which was directly across from the GP’s door. I was still very new to the whole sex thing, and always felt like I really, really had to pee. So, before we started, I ran to the bathroom, and saw that their door was open, and they were on the bed, facing towards the hallway. Then, during sex, I had to go pee again, so I throw on some clothes and run out, and there they are, door still wide open. Then, AFTER sex, I had to go do the obligatory pee again, and they were STILL awake with their door wide open.

    I went to bed mortified thinking that they must have known what we were doing.

    My DH told me the next day that his grandma said to him in the morning, “Gee, I hope Natalie didn’t eat too many cherries last night. Those things can really give you the runs.”

    Yeah. What’s more embarrassing? Your grandmother-in-law thinking you had sex on her guest bed, or thinking that you had “the runs” in her bathroom all night?

    Comment by Natalie K. — May 4, 2009 @ 9:55 pm

  64. “Mommy and daddy are doing Oh Babies. They will come out later.” Oh baby; oh baby; oh baby.

    Oh man! You are killing me!!! That is the best thing I have ever heard!

    Comment by Natalie K. — May 4, 2009 @ 9:58 pm

  65. Come to think of it, we almost did get caught. We had just moved to a new apartment in a new state in Jan. Because of travel restraints and other things of that nature it had been a little while. Well the youngest was sleeping and the oldest (we only have two kids both boys, one pushing three and the other about one now) was occupied with some toys.

    So we began to break in our bedroom without any furniture in the place yet. Right in the middle we hear this momma coming from the other room. We look up and realize that our new bedroom does not have a lock on it. So we rushed into the bathroom just in time before the kid came barrelling into the room looking for momma.

    Good thing the bath room had a lock on it so we could keep breaking in the apartment for a bit longer.

    Good times.

    It is a good thing my wife does not read this thing. She would not like me sharing this story.

    Comment by Sam Sneed — May 4, 2009 @ 10:39 pm

  66. This is a fantastic thread and I’m glad that I found it for my first post here.

    When DW and I were newly married, we loved doing things where the potential for getting caught was fairly high. We had spent the day at the beach in Santa Cruz and had gotten very good tans, but also got a bit horny sitting on the beach all day. We decided to have a little fun in the car before heading home. I put up our towels in the windows so we would have as much privacy as we could get. Nobody was really around. However, by the time we finished, we realized there was a couple standing just outside the car… Oh… That was the worst.

    We’ve had a couple of very close calls with the kids walking in. Luckily, we’ve always been able to get a sheet over us by the time they actually get close enough.

    Comment by thatched — May 4, 2009 @ 11:03 pm

  67. I never caught my parents. In fact, if it weren’t for the obvious sibling evidence, I would think that they never did it at all. My only slightly horrifying memory was when I was a Senior in High School my mother was talking to someone on the phone about how they were trying to have another kid. All at once it dawned on me what that meant and I couldn’t look at them the same after that.

    I can’t believe you can keep at it with all that screaming and knocking at the door. It completely shuts me off. I have a hard time just knowing they are unsupervised when there is so much that they could be getting into. Although, after reading this post and knowing I am not the only one who looks forward to when Sesame Street comes on, maybe I will be able to ignore them better next time.

    Comment by Sarah Salway — May 4, 2009 @ 11:50 pm

  68. ok, I can beat you all…
    I walked in on my parents doing 69 when I was 15.
    enough said

    Comment by nicole — May 5, 2009 @ 12:51 am

  69. Once when I was on a trip to France and staying with my French teacher’s sister and her family, the sister’s son’s girlfriend ran into the bathroom, stark naked. I was in there getting ready for bed. We looked at each other, shrieked, and she ran out. I told my sister but nobody else. The next day the French teacher made a comment about how nice her nephew’s girlfriend seemed. I turned beet red. My sister made it 10x worse when she said, “I think she was nice. What do you think, Quimby? I mean, from what you’ve SEEN of her?”

    Comment by Quimby — May 5, 2009 @ 12:56 am

  70. nicole -

    KAPOW! That’s the sound of my mind being blown. You poor poor dear.

    Comment by reese — May 5, 2009 @ 1:45 am

  71. Nicole, Yes, you certainly did beat everyone here although “doing Oh Babies” comes a close second, no pun … :)

    By the way, I’ve not laughed as much and as loud as I have reading these stories. Brilliant work.

    Comment by CarlosJC — May 5, 2009 @ 2:40 am

  72. I heard creaky beds and the telltale music from my parents’ room when I was a kid, but that was it.

    We were caught by my then 1.5-year-old daughter though. I was in a rather precarious situation and my DH was otherwise occupied in the southern region of things when I heard a noise behind him at the door. I raised my head up to see my daughter standing there for what must have been 10 seconds. My DH mistook my gasp as something else and kept doing what he was doing. I had to literally hit him on the head to get his attention.

    Moments later the sound of approaching feet in the hallway was heard as my our very verbal 3-year-old came running into the room. As DH ushered the 1.5-year-old out of the room, I yelled out to my son very sternly to not come one step closer or he’d be in big trouble.

    Our daughter was young enough to not understand, but oh the feeling I had when I looked up to see my daughter there just watching was awful! Twenty minutes later, DH was installing a lock on our bedroom door.

    Three and a half years later now and we just endure the incessant knocking behind a firmly locked door and deal with the questions when we steal away for a moment or two. “Mommy, can I have a cookie?” Sure! Just go back to the living room and stay there till mommy says you can come in!

    Comment by Moxie — May 5, 2009 @ 2:57 am

  73. I can’t believe you can keep at it with all that screaming and knocking at the door. It completely shuts me off.

    I just yell back that they can help themselves to the treat drawer, ensuring peace and quiet for a while. Of course, right now my kids are old enough to understand treats, but young enough to not know what is going on. I always tell them that we’re getting dressed and need privacy.

    Comment by jen — May 5, 2009 @ 9:52 am

  74. My 22 month old daughter walked in on us when we thought she was asleep. My husband at the time was so upset, he couldn’t get the groove going again and for a while, I could get away with bringing it up to make him lose his desire, so I didn’t have to put out. Cruel I know, but for heaven’s sake, she didn’t know what was going on and I wanted to finish…

    Comment by shakti — May 5, 2009 @ 10:05 am

  75. I walked in on my parents one Sunday afternoon when I was about 14. I just poked my head ’round their door, saw what was going on, and left. I was quiet enough that they still don’t know I saw them…

    Comment by Lulu — May 5, 2009 @ 10:07 am

  76. I walked in twice. I think I was a teenager both times. I don’t think they saw me one of the times. The second time my dad saw me and said “You know better than that!” It was awful awful.

    Comment by Minerva — May 5, 2009 @ 10:17 am

  77. Sonnet (#60) - Good point!

    Minerva (#76) - Oh dear….

    Fun as this thread is…back to work for me. :-(

    Comment by EmilyS — May 5, 2009 @ 10:57 am

  78. Haven’t been caught, but I do have a favorite moment. My parents were watching our five kids and decided to watch an old James Bond movie on TBS. A more amorous scene came on and my Mom got all pseudo embarrassed like a good Grandma should (given our kids were between the ages of 5 to 14). My then 5 year old turned around and said “Don’t worry Grandma, they’re just having sex.” That’s has been a beloved catch phrase for a few years now.

    Comment by TStevens — May 5, 2009 @ 11:02 am

  79. Don’t have kids, so haven’t been caught. Heard my parents once when I was 13 or so and was rather disturbed by it. I’m surprised we haven’t had a lengthier discussion of how people in more crowded living conditions adapt to the reality of parental sex in close proximity to other family members. I’ve often wondered about that. Would that create healthier attitudes towards sex or not?

    My one funny story is that a couple of years ago my husband and I and a couple of friends were up at my parents’ cottage with my family. On this occasion hubby and I got the nice new big room to ourselves. We’d made love that morning and he got up, put on some clothes and strutted out to the bathroom (OK, I don’t know if he strutted, but he probably did mentally). I was just happily chilling in bed with the covers drawn up to my chin, when my best friend came into the room. She was doing all but jumping on the bed - “It’s a beautiful day! Let’s go swimming! Let’s go canoeing! Come on. Everyone else has already had breakfast! You can’t stay in bed all day.” I nodded and smiled and agreed with everything she said and didn’t move a muscle. Finally she asked, “Why aren’t you getting up?” I answered calmly, “Because I’m naked.” I have never seen anyone jump up and leave a room so fast, as the full implications of that statement crashed over her. HAHAHAHAHA. She deserved it!

    Comment by xenologue — May 5, 2009 @ 12:29 pm

  80. I feel obligated to share.

    Yeah, I caught my parents, but that was nothing compared to catching (in the same week while on my mission!) my ward mission leader and his wife and an invesrigator couple. Don’t worry, separate incidents.

    The WML thing was just that we stopped by on a Sat. and wanted to talk with him about something and rang the doorbell. Lots of surprised noises (from the livnig room), running around, etc before he finally opens the door in a robe and clearly nothing else.

    He says, “wow guys, you totally caught us.”

    She says, “we were just watching football!”

    I (oblivious and wishing I were allowed to watch football on a Saturday) say,”who’s playing?”

    “The Cowboys and the, uh, Redskins.”

    My comp breaks out laughing because the wife is very much a cowgirl from TX and our WML is native.

    Me, STILL oblivious: “who’s winning?”

    Him: “Definitely the Redskins!”
    Her: “Not anymore!”
    Him: “‘Cmon, we were in the fourth quarter!”

    My companion, tears streaming, can’t breathe, and realization slowly dawns on me.

    Latet that week early on New Year’s eve we head over for an appointment for a discussion. I walk up to press the doorbell and my companion says “Dude, don’t!”

    I turn and look in the living room window and realize that they definitely forgot that we were coming over. And they definitely forgot to close the curtains. Our next appointment with them was definitely a little awkward.

    Comment by jjackson — May 5, 2009 @ 1:53 pm

  81. I am single, so never been caught.

    But I did have the opportunity to have a sibling and her husband live with us. Holy cow they were loud! I mean I slept like the dead (I can sleep through earthquakes) and they still work me. I talked to them and they were still totally loud. Finally, I did an imitation of my BIL finishing. He tried to say that wasn’t what he sounded like, but my mom piped up and said that was what he sounded like. They finally started being more quiet. Except for when I came home from work and they were on the floor in the living room. I truly am scarred for life!!!! I love my sister, but I don’t wan to hear her or walk in on her!

    Comment by Susy Q — May 5, 2009 @ 2:31 pm

  82. I’ve often wondered about the close living quarters thing. I’ve also wondered about the pioneers crossing the plains: did they totally do it out there on the plains of Kansas? I mean, of course they did, obviously. I say we write a pioneer primary song about THAT.

    Hubby and I have never been caught, and I have never caught anyone. Unless coming home every night to my college roommate and her boyfriend dry humping on my couch counts–in which case, I caught her over and over and over again.

    Comment by Katie Langston — May 5, 2009 @ 2:34 pm

  83. Well, I was watching a show in PBS where they had to live like people did on the Frontier. One thing they commented on was that they had less sex than when they lived like in modern times because they didn’t shower daily, and they were tired from so much physical labor.

    I don’t know if that applied back then, but that is what they said.

    Comment by Susy Q — May 5, 2009 @ 2:37 pm

  84. P.S. Dear college roommate who sometimes read this blog:

    It wasn’t you and it wasn’t anyone we lived with. Too bad, because that would have put the BYH abuzz with all kinds of delicious gossip. ;)

    Comment by Katie Langston — May 5, 2009 @ 2:41 pm

  85. My kids are too young to work past locked doors, and we haven’t been caught yet which is surprising considering our frequency. The oldest is only two. . .so I have a question: how old is old enough to remember? How old is too old to see your parents naked?

    Comment by Novice — May 5, 2009 @ 3:03 pm

  86. Tami;
    I had a similar experience with a mission companion at the MTC. I walked in on him; he was definitely more embarrassed than I was.

    Comment by newlyfeministmale — May 5, 2009 @ 3:20 pm

  87. big sigh…

    we have a teenager and a small house.

    Comment by mfranti — May 5, 2009 @ 3:39 pm

  88. Novice: I guess it depends on the kid’s development as to how they can remember. My husband can’t remember anything before he was 4, but I can remember my 2nd birthday.

    Comment by bandgazebo — May 5, 2009 @ 3:40 pm

  89. #83 The difference in the real life back then is that they were all accustomed to the hard labor and everyone went to bed when it got dark. That’s why so many late summer and autumn babies…the human harvest coming in from the off season, while the fields lay fallow, the humans did not. The number of children and the closeness of their ages in many families suggests that it was a popular activity.

    August is still the busiest month for births (despite birth control), suggesting that even in modern times, the combination of the dark, cold and boredom drive us all to our bedrooms with increased regularity. So, if you are trying to catch someone, start lurking in October in the colder climates…

    Comment by Kimberly — May 5, 2009 @ 4:15 pm

  90. this thread is awesome.

    When we were newlyweds, we were staying in UT with my aunt. My sister (14ish) was in the other room with our 1 year old. In the morning, my husband and I started to get a little frisky in bed, and took off our pants. That’s as far as things got when my sister barged in and CLIMBED IN BED NEXT TO ME! I tried to be casual and ask about how well the baby slept in his crib, etc. I made sure to force the blanket down between us so she couldn’t tell I was naked from the waist down.
    Within a few minutes she left (inviting us to breakfast, I assume).
    We laughed and decided we would tell her one day, when she got married.

    So, she got married last month (at 19!) and before that we told her. It was pretty funny, and of course she doesn’t even remember it.

    I’ve been sleeping naked lately (on advice of a therapist, not mine but someone else’s, but it just seems like good advice) and when my kids come in first thing in the morning, I just tell them I’m on my way into the shower. That’s good enough for them. Nakedness is not a big deal in our house. But, that has it’s own set of problems, like my nearly 7 year old showing his dad the rash on his penis in front of the home teachers.
    Oh, dear.

    Comment by Jessawhy — May 5, 2009 @ 4:17 pm

  91. I have had so many laughs today and I really needed them! This was a great post :).

    I actually live in rural New England in a one room yurt so I might have some insight into the whole pioneer thing. I moved into the yurt with a 8 month old son and my husband almost seven years ago. Sex is different than if was when I lived in a three bedroom house with running water and electricity in the big city. It is definately quicker and not as frequent. We are also pretty exhausted at the end of the day and we tend to fall asleep fast. But I do think that we shower almost as much as most everyone…I think.

    Spontaneous sex is not in our life in one room. We have to wait until my son goes to sleep and then we need to be fairly quiet. If he wakes up, he will call for us and we will go see what he needs and maybe get to finish later. Sometimes he will wake up and come over and try to join us. We just turn it into a ticklefest and then help him get back to sleep.

    I grew up in a VERY sex/female negative home so we try to keep everything as natural as possible. He has never shown any signs of confusion, annoyance, or other negative emotion about bodies or stuff. I do not think he really thinks about sex yet, but he certainly has seen his share of lesbian duck sex, male ducks trying female ducks on for size, a rooster who is very enamored of a Peking duck, etc…

    I guess that I will not really know if our way of doing things actually works until he is older- that thought makes me shudder a little!

    I never did catch my parents having sex, but they did have a really intersting habit of walking around the house only wearing garments. My parents were also very thrifty so the garments were almost always very old and were pretty much see-through everywhere. Saw more of both my parents than I was really interested in way too often. Do other people in the church walk around the house in just garments or is that another sign of my strange childhood?

    Comment by Sonia — May 5, 2009 @ 4:21 pm

  92. #86 That’s right; made me remember that I walked in on my comp once (it count here?). I had gone off to shower at 6am but went back only 30sec or so later looking for shampoo when, bang, there he was sitting on his bed in all his male splendor, no covers, busy with himself. I pulled a kind off disgusted face and he very quickly covered up. But he had his glasses on?? never understood that and I never asked. I joked about it a few times, and told everyone off course, but nothing much happened after that.

    Comment by CarlosJC — May 5, 2009 @ 4:58 pm

  93. “Saw more of both my parents than I was really interested in way too often. Do other people in the church walk around the house in just garments or is that another sign of my strange childhood?”

    Dude! No! I’d call it very strange, but that’s just me, others might see it normal, who knows.

    Comment by CarlosJC — May 5, 2009 @ 5:03 pm

  94. I know a lot of people who walk around in their garments. When I was in India, I walked around in my garments in my (shared) room all the time because the AC made me sick and it was way too hot to wear clothes. My dad would walk around with pants on but not a shirt, so I guess he half-garment walked. I remember when my brother and s-i-l lived in our basement, my s-i-l was always hanging around in a normal shirt but no pants, only garment bottoms. She was a half-garmenter too.

    One of my high school friends tells the appalling story of her father answering the door in just his garments–on the night of her older sister’s prom! I bet that date was awkward…

    Comment by Minerva — May 5, 2009 @ 5:25 pm

  95. Oh, and when my brother was on his mission in St. Petersburg, one of the newer members had just gone through the temple and my brother and is his companion came upon this fellow hanging out on the street in just his garments.

    Comment by Minerva — May 5, 2009 @ 5:27 pm

  96. Ex husband used to wander around all the time in just his garments. Neighbors across the street called to tease him about it and the poor 13 year old that always stopped to walk with our daughter to the bus was completely flashed by him hanging out. He thought it was funny, my daughter however, was so mad and embarrasses!

    He even took the trash to the front curb in just the g’s. He said it was ok cuz it was dark out and no body could see him. HELLO- he’s like glowing in the freakin dark!

    Comment by shakti — May 5, 2009 @ 5:28 pm

  97. I occasionally streak through the house in garments to get to the dryer for clean clothes. With two little daughters though, I’m not all that concerned. My husband, however, always puts on pants ever since he got a comment from a little three year old about what was in his undies.

    I had two older brothers who were always walking around in their underwear, even after their missions. But I would get a major lecture if I went from the bathroom to my room next door in just a towel. Stupid double standards.

    My husbands little brothers were always walking around in just tighty whiteys whenever we came to visit. At least his dad would put on a bathrobe for my benefit. That was definitely not enough though.

    Comment by jen — May 5, 2009 @ 5:42 pm

  98. I don’t remember doing this, but my father tells me I walked in on him and my mom when I was little.

    He claims that I pointed at them and said: “He’s on the top! She’s on the bottom!” and left the room.

    In fact, my father can’t help but tell this story. Over and over.

    Comment by decline 2 state — May 5, 2009 @ 6:22 pm

  99. shame, shame..some subjects are just too sacred to be bandied about so freely even in a somewhat secluded venue and as for me and my house we are going to refrain.

    Comment by herb gleason — May 5, 2009 @ 6:25 pm

  100. Where to begin? Both of our ambulatory children have walked in on us on separate occasions. Our older son walked in on us when he was five. At that time, we were pretty much done and in the post-coital glow. I guess we forgot to lock the door, because our son walked right in. It was the middle of the afternoon and he saw just about all of us. He was pretty upset, and my wife and I had to reassure him (after we got dressed, of course) it was okay and just a normal thing parents do.

    My daughter didn’t walk into the room, but peeked in under the door and saw us engaged in foreplay. The conversation was actually pretty funny.

    Daughter: “Mommy, can I go to a friend’s house to play”

    Wife: “Sure, honey”

    Daughter: “Mommy, why do you have your shirt off?”

    My wife and I were both stunned. We hurried and got dressed and tried to explain that nothing bad was happening. Unlike our son, our daughter seemed unfazed by it and hasn’t brought it up since.

    I walked in on my parents when I was 13. They’d locked the bedroom door but it hadn’t quite caught. I walked in to innocently raid my Dad’s candy stash. The lights were off and there was some music playing on the radio, but I couldn’t see anyone in the room so I didn’t think anything of walking in. When I caught them by the bathroom, I apologized and ran out. I don’t think they were as upset by that as what I did afterward. I ran outside and made this announcement to my sister, brother and all of their friends out on our driveway: “Hey guys! I just saw Mom and Dad naked!” My parents were furious and grounded me for a week. I’m sure they’d be thrilled if they heard about my own problems in that area.

    Comment by Steve — May 5, 2009 @ 7:08 pm

  101. We’ve had plenty of knocks on the door, but haven’t been caught yet, I think. Our 10 year-old may have walked in once, but it was dark and he’s never said anything. We’re now locking the door more often….

    I did catch my parents once when I was 17. I’d been out with friends and came home early on weekend night. I walked down the hallway and they had their door open. My dad was clothed but was “busy” down south. Didn’t see much of my mom as he was covering her. I went to the bathroom and while I was hyperventilating my dad walked in and basically said “Lets talk about this in the morning”. Both of us knew we’d never mention it again and it’s never come up since. :)

    Comment by Hyrum — May 5, 2009 @ 7:19 pm

  102. When I was about fourteen I was helping my aunt watch my four year old cousin one day when my uncle came home for lunch. We were watching tv downstairs when my cousin went upstairs to get something, and when she came back down she whispered to me, “My mom and dad are naked.” I was so embarrassed and she couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want to talk about it. I kept trying to change the subject and later when my aunt came back down she said something about it. I can’t remember what - I must’ve blocked it out or something, I’ve never told anyone about the incident and it still embarrasses me to think about it.

    Comment by Kimarie — May 5, 2009 @ 8:57 pm

  103. I’m actually confused about herb Gleason’s comment… Is sex too sacred to talk about or is it the garments issue. If garments are really too sacred to talk about, well, how does anyone learn the right things to do with them? I know that garments are sacred because of the covenants that go with them, but if we cannot talk about them as clothing/ underwear…well, isn’t that just too tight a line? When does sacred become too acquainted with ignorance?

    Comment by Sonia — May 6, 2009 @ 9:18 am

  104. I think Sonia has all pistons firing today. Keep up the good work!

    There’s still some time left on this Wednesday, make it count sisters and brothers!

    Comment by Mary Magdalene — May 6, 2009 @ 9:24 am

  105. As a 30-something woman in a large single’s ward, I was not only discovered um, enjoying myself, but RATTED only my roommate! We had justhad a “chastity talk” the week before where the bishopand his wife lectured everyone about pr0n, masturbation, etc. The bishop insisted that anyone who masturbated needed to “talk (to him) about it.” I guess my roommate thought she was doing me a favor. In any case, I was humiliated in two ways. At least being caught in the act as marrieds doesn’t carry an ecclesiastically criminal threat, too!

    Comment by Willneverreveal — May 6, 2009 @ 11:15 am

  106. I would change roommates! We are in charge of our exaltation, she took over your free agency. Not cool!

    Comment by shakti — May 6, 2009 @ 11:38 am

  107. Willneverreveal;
    that is ridiculous, and unfortunately all to believable. That would clearly fall in the “none of her or your bish’s freaking business category”.
    I would have promptly purchased her a shiny new, multi-speed, vibrator, but thats just me.
    If everyone in a ward who masturbated went to talk to the bishop, I am guessing he would need to schedule appts weeks out, it would be a longer sign up list than tithing settlement. Can you imagine that sign up list on the clerk’s door.

    Comment by bald in relief society — May 6, 2009 @ 11:41 am

  108. I found a condom in my dads underwear after it had gone through the washer and dryer. Ew. Never helped my mom fold the laundry again.

    Comment by Lindsay1138 — May 6, 2009 @ 12:35 pm

  109. If everyone in a ward who masturbated went to talk to the bishop, I am guessing he would need to schedule appts weeks out, it would be a longer sign up list than tithing settlement.

    I once served in a student ward for some time in a calling that required frequent interviews. Though I often told people not to tell me any problems they might have that should be discussed with the bishop instead, people volunteered quite often anyway. This was true even after I stopped them a couple of times, and even after I told them that I was going to have to end the interview if they kept telling me things I had no responsibility knowing (and didn’t want to know, frankly). I think it had to do with seeking catharsis or me not being as an intimidating figure as the bishop or them wanting to seek a preliminary ruling of some sort. I don’t know.

    But I can tell you that from that experience, my opinion is that most active Mormons who masturbate are pretty sure that most of the rest of the active membership are also masturbating and most active Mormons who do not masturbate are pretty sure that most of the active membership are not masturbating.

    Again, not exactly a scientific poll, so feel free to disregard if you’d like.

    Comment by anon for this — May 6, 2009 @ 3:50 pm

  110. anon for this;
    I am not sure what is meant by your comment?
    Are you saying that most mormons have never masturbated? Or that most have? Or are you saying that for some unknown reason people who do not masturbate would tell you that as a non-masturbating mormons they think that most mormons don’t masturbate. I’m not being snarky, I am honestly confused. Or were you simply implying that because I think a large number of mormons have masturbated, that therefore I have masturbated? (Guess what, I have, and still do on occasion if the mood strikes)

    I was stating (rather snarkily) my opinion that there is a fair amount of hypocrisy regarding masturbation among the ranks, and if we took a more adult approach to it, it would not be such a big deal, and cause so much unneeded shame and grief.

    Comment by bald in relief society — May 6, 2009 @ 4:53 pm

  111. Some friends of mine had a water bed. They had just finished when a small voice in the dark called out, “Make the bed go wild again!”

    Comment by veiled comment — May 6, 2009 @ 5:20 pm

  112. Bald,

    I am saying that most who masturbate on a frequent basis think that others do too, and that most who don’t think that others also abstain also.

    As to your other comments and questions, I’ll say this: I’m not sure you and I see eye-to-eye on this, but no criticism of your comments or behavior was intended. It was meant to be more observational.

    Comment by anon for this — May 6, 2009 @ 5:50 pm

  113. I never caught my parents, but I did overhear them early one morning having a heated discussion in which my mom told my dad to be less selfish in bed because her “needs were not being met.” Unfortunately I was 14, and old enough to understand what they were talking about. Gah!

    Then there was the time when my best friend and I were looking for old t-shirts in my dad’s dresser and found a ginormous box of condoms.

    Comment by anon to protect my rents — May 7, 2009 @ 7:44 am

  114. I’d challenge anyone to say they have never masturbated, but 1) I’d be 99% certain it was a lie if they said so and 2) it’s none of my business :)

    –from a person who haaaaardly ever does… did…. whatever. I think I was pretty repressed as a single.

    Comment by sare — May 7, 2009 @ 1:50 pm

  115. I haven’t ever caught or even heard my parents, which is unusual since nearly everyone else in my extended family has. I know this because they occasionally like to trade those stories at family gatherings; my cousin takes the cake, I think, with her story about walking in on my parents going at it in the shower.

    I have, however, heard far too many details in conversations with my mother. The best ones, I think, were these:

    At 18, a conversation in which my mother said, a propos of nothing, “I think the reason so many Mormon men have pornography problems is that their wives don’t like sex. I mean, it’s supposed to be FUN! You can get creative and everything! Dress up, take pictures!”

    At 20, a conversation in which my mother, trying to discourage me from marrying a boyfriend she didn’t like, said, “I think you don’t realize how important it is to be able to have similar fantasies in married life…though of course you won’t always share fantasies. I mean, sometimes your father wants me to do things, and I’m like “EW! That’s disgusting! Why would you think of that!”

    At 22, a conversation in which my mother, talking about the differences between porn stars and real women, said, “Look at those women up there on top of their partners bouncing up and down without jiggling! That’s just unnatural! I jiggle a lot more than that.” And then a few minutes later: “Plus they shave down there, which I think is strange. Your father asked me to try that once but I just got a terrible rash.”

    And the most recent incident, at 24, in which she told me about how the doctor my father had seen that morning noticed the bite marks on his shoulders: “He was pretty proud of it and all, but I was mortified!”

    See why it’s so amazing I’ve never caught them?

    Comment by Petra — May 7, 2009 @ 2:02 pm

  116. 115 Zoiks! in the same vein- my mother- who btw once questioned my use of an ob tampon because, “wouldn’t you have to touch yourself?” told me completely out of the blue, “I heard that couples who have sex frequently lived longer, healthier lives. Your father and I should be very, very healthy.” Ewww.

    Comment by crazywomancreek — May 7, 2009 @ 2:11 pm

  117. Growing up, ours was a family of night owls. While we officially went to bed around 10:00, It was hardly uncommon for people to be moving around at midnight or later. If a light was on and the door open, we might walk in and talk. Everyone: Mom might walk in and talk with us, we might walk in and talk with parents, kids walk in to kids. It was what we did.

    I vividly recall one night when I was fifteen. I had finished a book a couple hours after bedtime, and headed to the basement to get another from our library. On the way, I noticed that my parents’ light was on. A question occurred to me, and so I walked into their room, beginning to utter “Mom” as I rounded the corner.

    I never finished the word. My parents were–rather quietly–amorously involved. On top of the sheets, no less, feet towards me.

    I hastily reversed course and went straight up to bed. Forget a new book.

    Nobody said anything the next morning, so I have no idea if they heard or noticed me. I’ve never wanted to find out.

    NOTE TO SELF: When you have kids, and you decide to be romantic with your wife, never keep the welcome signs on.

    I suppose it was good to know that mommies and daddies have sex, that those urges are natural, that I wasn’t a freak for having a libido, etc. But I would have preferred a less graphic method of learning this.

    When my wife and I were living with my parents for a year, there was one evening when my parents were particularly less quiet than in the prior story. With this warning, we were careful to stay in the second floor of the house.

    re: 3

    I was amazed when my SiL saw her dogs mounting and asked completely sincerely “Why do they keep playing like that?” She was seventeen at the time.

    re: 91

    When in your own house, why not walk around in just garments (or less)?

    Comment by Derek — May 7, 2009 @ 3:36 pm

  118. I have never caught my parents, and I’m single and virgin, so never been caught myself. However, recently my aunts and my mom were talking about their parents’ “Sunday naps” and how they always knew what they were doing. Ever since then I’ve been more careful of interrupting when they go in their bedroom for a “nap.” I used to wonder when they got the time to do it… Especially after my dad’s comment when my mom became pregnant again when I was 11, “Your mom and I worked very hard to get this baby…” WHOA. That’s freaked me out ever since haha

    78, recently me and my mom were watching “Mansfield Park” and my little sister Natalie (9) was watching with us. There was a brief sex scene coming up and my mom was trying to get her to go to bed. Suddenly there the scene was, and my mom practically wrestled the child to get a hand over her eyes. Natalie, being the defiant child she is wanted to keep watching the movie and put up a pretty good fight. It was uncomfortable enough watching it with my mom. She’s of the protective, silent sort on the sex front.

    I got caught making out a few times. That was always exciting. One time my boyfriend and I skipped class and made out in the adjacent park on a terrace next to the playground. I don’t think the young mothers there with their children appreciated it… haha!

    105, I strongly sympathize. Fortunately I’ve never been caught at that. 114, I believe it was because of my repression as a teenager that I kind of went all-out masturbating in college.

    I freaking love this thread! I’m sure many of you are grateful for cable… Disney channel, Cartoon Network, the 24-hour preschool channel…. no need to wait for Sesame Street to be on :)

    Comment by Anna — May 7, 2009 @ 3:43 pm

  119. Anon for this;

    “I am saying that most who masturbate on a frequent basis think that others do too, and that most who don’t think that others also abstain also.”

    I can’t imagine that you actually know whether or not people are masturbating, so I think it would be more appropriate to say; those that don’t think that others masturbate, CLAIM they abstain as well.

    I’m with Sare on this. People just do it, no biggey, move on.

    Comment by bald in relief society — May 7, 2009 @ 4:01 pm

  120. what? now were talking about masturbation?

    /sigh…

    i’ve been away for a week and miss all the good stuff.

    Comment by mfranti — May 7, 2009 @ 4:08 pm

  121. My parents were pretty repressed about the whole garments/naked thing, although my dad used to wear just pants and my mom just a long t-shirt at times.

    Because of this, I have tried to have a more natural, easy approach. I don’t want my kids to grow up ashamed of their bodies. So, I walk around the house in just garments or less all the time, and we sometimes shower together as a whole family (although my husband has worn swimming shorts ever since the 1 year old reached up trying to grab him a few months back.) My kids are only 4 and 18 months so I don’t know how it will affect them in the future. They are also both girls, I don’t know how my methods might change when/if I have a boy. But for now I feel good about it.

    Comment by Sarah Salway — May 7, 2009 @ 11:22 pm

  122. Sarah - which do you think is going to be a more disturbing memory for your daughters: never having seen their parents naked, or repeatedly seeing their parents’ genitalia within the close confines of a shower? I’m all for teaching kids not to be ashamed of their bodies, but I don’t think they need to see their parents naked in order to learn that concept.

    Comment by Margot — May 8, 2009 @ 1:41 am

  123. Bald,

    You seem to be proving my point.

    Comment by anon for this — May 8, 2009 @ 9:19 am

  124. Re:122
    Sarah’s comment already answered that question and there would be plenty of people who agree with her.

    Comment by Laurenna — May 8, 2009 @ 9:44 am

  125. I told you from the get go that I have. My point is that there is no way that you can tell whether people have masturbated or not. So those people that you claim do not indulge, and think the rest of the church is the same, could be lying to you.

    Also I am confused as to why someone would come into your interviews and discuss that they do not masturbate, and their specific views on how others are not either.

    However, I agree that whatever people are indulging in (swearing, coffee, porn, tv addiction, random list of things to indulge in etc..) people will tend to think that everyone is doing it.

    I also believe as Sare stated that a vast majority of people, including LDS people, have masturbated at one point or another. But that could be my mastur-tainted view.

    Comment by bald in relief society — May 8, 2009 @ 9:48 am

  126. not to make too big a deal of this, but: #123, are you going to claim you’ve also never picked your nose?

    Comment by sare — May 8, 2009 @ 10:21 am

  127. Anon for this;
    My point is this; those people who told you they have never masturbated, and therefore think that no one in the church masturbates could be lying. For some reason people get all distraught over this non-issue, and feel embarrassed and the need to lie.

    I am a little confused still as to what calling you had where people came in and discussed their views on masturbation with you. Especially those that claim they haven’t done it. Would they just walk in and declare, “I don’t masturbate, and I don’t think anyone else does?” or was this outside your calling and random people on the street tell you?

    I do agree that in general people will think that what ever they are indulging in (swearing, coffee, tv addiction, chocolate addiction, etc..) they think that every one does it.

    I just feel that a majority of people have done it, including LDS people. But that could be my mastur-tainted view.

    Comment by bald in relief society — May 8, 2009 @ 10:37 am

  128. DH & I were visiting my parents and staying in their guest bedroom. They left to go on a walk and DH & I took advantage of the time alone. Afterwards, I went downstairs to throw the towel in the washing machine and found them hanging out downstairs. When did they come back from their walk and why were they so quiet coming into the house?? They had to have known and heard. Ugh.

    When DH & I got back from our honeymoon, our new apartment wasn’t ready yet, so we ended up living with my old roommates for a few weeks. Every time they left to go to class we awkwardly quizzed them, “So…….how long are you going to be gone?” One day my roommates were gone and we were ALONE when we hear someone enter the house. It turned out to be my roommate’s brother from the upstairs apartment, who apparently had a key.?. DH & I just froze, “Don’t move, don’t breathe, shhhhh….” The guy called out people’s names and even jiggled my doorknob and he kept trying to open my bedroom door!! Thank goodness we had locked it.

    Comment by Em — May 9, 2009 @ 2:26 am

  129. Another little story to add. My family were coming to visit and DH & I had a quickie right before they arrived. My sister-in-law was having a hard day and my stepmom played therapist for which they commandeered my room. When they finally emerged from my room I found that some of my clothes and a “towel thrown in the corner” had all been nicely folded and put on my bed. Number One: ask me if you want to use my room. Number Two: don’t touch anything. Yuck.

    Comment by Em — May 9, 2009 @ 2:36 am

  130. re: 121

    we sometimes shower together as a whole family (although my husband has worn swimming shorts ever since the 1 year old reached up trying to grab him a few months back.)

    LOL (and cringing at the same time)

    My parents had largely the same attitude. They would bathe with us (both boys and girls) until around 4, and weren’t uncomfortable being naked in front of us about until I hit puberty. I agree with them and you that it was helpful in preventing the fairly common religious attitude that our bodies are in some way shameful.

    re: 128

    Your story reminded me of one which I’ve largely repressed. When my wife and I were engaged, I rented an apartment for us. My brother lived there with me until that big day. We had one reception the night of our wedding, a night in a hotel, and then the next day we were going to meet my family at our apartment to drive out to my wife’s family for a second reception.

    My wife and I got to our apartment a couple of hours before the scheduled meeting with my family, and given that my family is notorious for being late, we figured we had time for another attempt at this new game on our own couch.

    Just our luck: literally within seconds of becoming one flesh, we heard the lock jiggle. I instantly remembered that my brother had not yet surrendered his key. We made a mad dash to the bedroom. Upon entering the apartment, my charmingly naive (though not so naive as my SiL…) brother called out “Derek, are you here? What’re you doing?”

    I don’t know how some of you are able to plough through getting caught. The experience was rather…deflating. The game was over. I had the joy of experiencing for the next couple hours that excruciating pain in the groin which I hope few other men here have had cause to endure.

    Comment by Derek — May 9, 2009 @ 11:22 am

  131. I just had another caught moment (almost.) My 2 1/2 year old son just came downstairs wearing nothing but his sister’s hot pink Crocs, holding a purple vibrator and a tube of Astroglide. He missed my visiting teachers’ arrival by mere minutes.

    Comment by anon because my dad reads FMH — May 12, 2009 @ 4:33 pm

  132. We were so close to being caught. We were staying in my parent’s hometown for a birthday or something, and stayed with my GMa in her spare bedroom in the basement. She had gone for a walk or something early in the morning when dh started getting frisky… I was so worried that she was going to walk in on us, but we started up anyway. She came home earlier than I thought, and I jumped out of the bed as soon as I heard the outside door open. I bolted across the basement to the bathroom as dh started pulling his clothes on. She came down the stairs and knocked on the door, but didn’t hear dh reply “Hang on a sec!” and walked in to catch him in just his pajama pants, about to put on his g top. She was so embarrassed! She apologized and quickly went upstairs. I then fed a story to DH to give to GMa, about how he was in bed watching a movie on his laptop waiting for me to get out of the bathroom, heard her come in, and threw his clothes on, but not in enough time. He went upstairs and delivered it perfectly, along with an apology, and nothing else was discussed on the topic.

    What a good little husband. I just hope Gma fell for it. Poor thing.

    Comment by Jess — June 4, 2009 @ 8:57 pm

  133. Getting caught, oh the pain and humiliation. I think we mat have sex way more than other people or have way more kids (from all that sex we keep having).

    I can’t quite figure out how to share this delicately. While in the compromised act, our framed picture of the proclamation of the family fell from our head board and shattered on my not LDS husband’s head. Do you think God was telling us something, and if so what?

    Also this is the worst story ever ( because it happened to me). My nine year old said “Mom and Dad you need to stop making donkey noises at night because you are keeping me up. A month later he said “Mom you are still making donkey noises and I know what they are”. How late is this kid awake? We moved his room downstairs the next day. I am sure he is scarred for life.

    Comment by kandi and salt — June 5, 2009 @ 9:30 am

  134. #131…..What is the official church stance on vibrators? My worst fear is that I will die in a car accident and the RS will come to clean up my house. Or my family will show up from across the country, only to realize that there dear daugter and sister likes a little extra motion sometimes with DH.

    Comment by anonymous — June 5, 2009 @ 9:35 am

  135. 134
    The church has no stance on vibrators. But I have many a friend whose bishop has suggested they get one, to help marital relations.

    funny story though, dh was helping a family move in our ward and he was moving a dresser. he and his helper pulled it from the wall, and a large purple dildo fell to the ground. they both looked at it and dh said, “that never happened”. when they left the room he told the moving husband that he might need to go attend to something in the bed room. The moving husband was very appreciative

    Comment by bald in relief society — June 5, 2009 @ 10:03 am

  136. Never masturbated (I’m completely anon so I have no reason to lie..). I thought most people didn’t. I pick my nose.

    How’s that for honesty?

    Love the stories about getting caught. Thank GOODNESS, I have never had that happen to me. Even lived with the parents for a while and they never once knocked on our door when the two of us were home (smart right?). So grateful for that.

    Goodness, I hate to threadjack, so I won’t say much. But isn’t masturbation in the strength of the youth pamphlet grouped with sexual sins?

    Comment by anon — June 11, 2009 @ 4:37 am

  137. How do you know he’s gay? Answer: Because he likes to have sex with male dogs

    Sorry to disappoint anyone, but animals do this to show who’s boss. So, such mounting behavior is seen in dogs, cats, guinea pigs(my friend caught one of her 6 pigs doing that), etc.

    Back to humans: I did catch my parents in foreplay when I was like 3. I thought they were just acting strange.

    My oldest son was around 2 when he marched in on us, just when we were about to start.

    A friend, when she was 13, and a non-member at the time, was woken up one night by her drunk mother & step-father, and they proceeded to give her a live demo! At least she laughed it off to their drunken state.

    My parents have never had sex. Ever. Nope. Not ever.

    My wife almost believed that for a while.

    Comment by Mike H. — June 17, 2009 @ 4:23 pm

  138. I walked in on my parents when I was 11. Thanksgiving day. The image will never leave my mind.

    It wasn’t traumatizing; I knew the facts of life by then and I have 9 siblings, so it was obviously something they did, but it was still an awkward scene.

    Comment by Erin — June 17, 2009 @ 4:37 pm

  139. My daughter never did “catch us” that I know of, but I did tell her about sex when she was 8, and she was fine with it, it came in handy later when we saw some stray cats mating. But, when she was15, she started to get grossed out about ANY hint of DW & I doing anything romantic. Just a peck on the cheek made her squirm.

    That has now become our code word. “You feel like some celebratory celebrations tonight?”

    Our code word with another couple was “just a second time”, since we had interrupted each other several times.

    Comment by Mike H. — June 17, 2009 @ 4:58 pm

  140. We went on a family vacation with my husband’s extended clan when we’d been married for about 3 months where we all stayed together in a beach house with one bedroom too few. His being the youngest sibling officially placed us at the bottom of the totem pole, so instead of a bedroom we got the reading nook.

    That’s right: they put brand-new newlyweds in a semi-closed-off reading nook right off the main living area, with not one but two big non-locking doors, one of which was glass, in a house teeming with small children.

    I think they thoroughly deserved much more than they got.

    ****

    On a completely unrelated note, an interesting experience in high school. We were sitting around talking at lunch; this group of friends included one girl who was sexually active with her boyfriend to the point where you couldn’t drive anywhere with them (agreed: sex while driving is not safe sex!) and two lesbians. Pretty open crowd. We were all probably about 15 at this point, and nobody was LDS except myself.

    Said Girlfriend A: “…but seriously, sometimes you just HAVE to masturbate! Ya know what I’m talkin’ about!”

    Everyone else: “Uh…. no?”

    A: “Are you serious?!”

    Everyone else: “Sorry….” The consensus from the ensuing discussion was that everyone else at the table hadn’t ever done it because it just plain hadn’t occurred to them, and these were not girls that I would categorize as sexually stifled. Of course I have no idea how the poll would have turned out had it been conducted a few years later.

    Comment by mellifera — September 20, 2009 @ 2:53 pm

  141. #91–my parents walked/sat around in their garments all the time (mostly my dad) and they were not as new as they could have been. I certainly didn’t appreciate seeing WAY more than I EVER wanted to see of my dad. He was a large (weight) man. My husband wears shorts over his bottoms to bed and always has shorts and a t-shirt (at the least) on at all times in other parts of the house. I also do not walk around the house in my garments. They are underwear for crying out loud!

    I walked in on my parents when I was 15 or 16. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (a 1 bathroom house) and my parents were in there washing up (naked of course) shudder. As I said before, my parents are not small people. I knew that they did that sruff, but I did NOT want to see anything, especially them washing up in the bathroom in the middle of the night!

    Comment by Adie — September 23, 2009 @ 9:10 am

  142. I am going to clarify. I do run through the house to get clothes or something in my garments and my kids have seen me in just them and/or naked. I just don’t subscribe to walking around in them all the time for no reason.

    On the masturbation issue–I hadn’t ever touched myself until I had been married for several years (to a man who had been very sheltered and didn’t know much about sex or anatomy) and I decided to take learning my body and what I liked into my own, erm, hands. Excuse the unintended pun. I think that it’s fine as long as it’s something that you aren’t ashamed of your spouse knowing about and you still have intimacy with your spouse. If I don’t do it for myself I don’t get any of that cuz my husband just thinks it’s gross to touch me down there. Thank goodness for my first vibrator that we got to try for the first time a couple nights ago! Now our sex life is going to be much more FUN for me!

    Comment by Adie — September 23, 2009 @ 9:41 am

  143. Adie;
    that is great that you have open communication with your husband and are both willing to work for your pleasure too.
    Keep up the open communication and open mind, I am sure your sex life will become everything you dreamed. Have fun.

    Comment by baldinreliefsociety — September 23, 2009 @ 10:16 am

  144. Just a quick story about running through the house naked. I usually don’t do it. But, one morning this summer, I got up before the kids and just got out of the shower. I needed something downstairs, so I thought I’d make a quick run for it. I was on my way back to the stairs when I heard a sound by the front door (outside). We have two peepholes - one for adults and one for kids. We also have a neighbor boy who sticks his eye up to the peephole to see if we are home and “catch” us if we pretend not to be. Can you see where this is going? So, in all my nakedness, I see the bottom peephole go dark and start sprinting for the stairs (and then pretend like noone is home when he knocks on the door). He never said anything when he knocked 10 minutes later. And when DH got home from work, I had him look through the peephole to see what he could see. He said he just saw shadows and outlines. So, hopefully that disaster was averted. But, geez, looking through someone’s peephole at 7:30 in the morning?!?!? Argh.

    Comment by Stephanie — September 23, 2009 @ 10:51 am

  145. #136. it’s under sexual purity as something we are not to do. There has also been conference talk. I have no idea why I keep running into complete disregard for it on this site. :( I don’t think people really understand the dangers of sexual addiction.

    Comment by Laura — September 28, 2009 @ 1:19 am

  146. I know this thread has been put to rest, but the hubby and I just spent an hour and a half laughing our heads off and had to contribute our own experience. We’ve (thankfully) never been caught, although we’ve learned to just keep on going through the pounding on the door. We’d never have any fun if that stopped us!

    Not quite getting caught, but funny story anyway: our kids have a Little People zoo toy which makes different animal sounds. So one day we’re engaging in our Saturday morning ritual when we hear an obnoxious electronic toy voice shouting “boing! boing! boing!” followed by “ooh ooh ah ah ah!” in manic monkey laughter coming from right outside the door. Appropriate much?

    Comment by Allison — October 19, 2009 @ 11:46 pm

  147. #146 Allison ~ So one day we’re engaging in our Saturday morning ritual when we hear an obnoxious electronic toy voice shouting “boing! boing! boing!” followed by “ooh ooh ah ah ah!” in manic monkey laughter coming from right outside the door. Appropriate much?

    Ha ha. That reminds me of something that happened with me and my husband a few months ago. We were in our bed getting warmed up, and we rolled, and all of a sudden I heard a little voice from behind me saying, “Uh oh! Tinky Winky, Tinky Winky, Tinky Winky, Tinky Winky.” One of my daughter’s Teletubbies that talks when you squeeze its tummy had been left in our bed and I had rolled onto it.

    The things that happen during sex when you have small children in the home…

    Comment by Bridget Jack Meyers — October 20, 2009 @ 7:43 am

  148. ROFL!

    Comment by Lorian — October 20, 2009 @ 8:05 am

  149. This kind of fits. While at Rick’s I lived in off campus housing. One day I thought I had the apartment to myself so I got undressed and laid down on my bed and started taking care of myself. In barges my roomate’s girlfriend. She saw me and pretty much freaked out. She kept threatening to turn me in to Student Life but I reminded her that if she did she would have to tell them what she was doing in the sleeping area of the apartment which was off limits.

    Comment by James — October 26, 2009 @ 1:41 pm

  150. For all of you who walked in on your parents when you were teenagers: HOW ON EARTH COULD YOU HAVE **NOT** KNOWN TO KNOCK FIRST??

    Comment by Dr. Shades — November 18, 2009 @ 3:53 am

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