Treating Mothers Like Military Veterans (sortof)
Well, it’s Mothers’ Day and we just got back from church. Our ward, whatever other quirks it might have, actually does a pretty good job of Mother’s Day. Very few ivory pedestal references and they always give the moms potted impatiens. Which, actually, I find kinda funny–you’re telling moms they need more impatiens?
Kidding aside, I realize that some find the common LDS practice of having the mothers in the congregation stand and receive a gift (usually a flower), well, some people find it problematic. And sometimes I do too. I mean, since motherhood is the primary lauded occupation of women in the church, the main official counterpoint to priesthood (which, in itself is problematic), what about the women who are single? infertile? not interested in having kids? insecure because their kids turned into axe murderers and they beat themselves up about failing in the maternal profession, despite their best efforts? Yes, it’s problematic and deserves some more widespread group introspection of the hows and whys of our church mothers’ day honorific practices and laudations.
But today I was thinking about how one of the few other group “stand up and be recognized as part of X group” is gatherings where military veterans are honored. Often they are called on by military branch, sometimes they are called as part of the group who has “served our country”, service men and women, and sometimes they get a small token of appreciation–a plant, some applause, a bagpipe rendition, what have you. It’s kinda like how we give mothers flowers on Mothers’ Day. And I don’t get the sense that the other people in the audience, even men from a more military minded generation (maybe), but women and men both, those who weren’t able to serve or who chose not to serve; I don’t get the sense that many people (if any) feel any sense of problematicisim or left-out-edness. They’re just honoring those who serve in that way.
Now, it’s true that there are not the same or, perhaps, even similar problematic issues involved–it’s certainly a more inclusive organization (meaning, less gender-exclusive), and I’m not sure we want to go recruiting kids from the street to be mothers with incentive packages. (Well, maybe we do, I don’t know, but that’s a topic for another day.) But mothers serve society and they sacrifice to do it, just as veterans do. And whether you’re a mother or not, or whether your kids turned out “all right” or not, it’s still hard work and mothers put themselves and their security on the line to do it. And having them stand up to be recognized–especially if we make them honorees and not goddess statues–well, that can be a good thing, a nice way of saying thanks.
Which is a long way of saying that I was glad I stayed in church today for the Mothers’ Day service. The family who spoke treated the topic well and not exclusively (which I liked–one of the kids talked about kids, one about families, the dad talked about marriage & parenthood, and the mom was the only one who talked specifically about motherhood) and the Primary kids sang a cute little song about mothers (My Mother Dear). And after the closing prayer, all the moms got impatiens. That happens when you’re a mom.
I was glad I went to Church today too. One of the young men gave a youth talk from lds.org and referenced “parenting” and “parents” much more than mothers. I was blown away.
The high priest who spoke talked of Mary and Eve, two women who were likely peirced through their soul with a sword based on the sufferings they had. Really good stuff.
I’ve never really minded Mother’s Day too much even though I have not had the opportunity. By honoring my female ancestors, I’ve been able to get a lot of meaning out of it. I figure being a mom is so hard, let them have their day.
The only part I don’t like is unfortunately the one you mentioned. Because I’m 29, and I had to sit next to my husband and watch what seemed like all my other sisters in Relief Society get their flowers. It wasn’t that they got the honor; it’s that I had to sit there conspicuously and *not* be honored. It was awkward and I thought that I probably stood out, as it highlighted my lower status of womanhood moreso than any of the talks did.
I think your idea is interesting, especially since being a soldier is a full time job, giving of mind and body under stress. Maybe some would be bothered by the veterans being honored if every day they’d been submitting their application and had been denied the honor to serve for no apparent reason. It would be interesting to hear from disabled patriotic persons for whom this was the case.
Comment by Alisa — May 10, 2009 @ 3:47 pm
I just wanted to mention that in every ward I have ever been in (10 that I can recall), they have always asked all sisters in the ward to stand for the little gift. I think it is appropriate given how much we speak of all women as mothers regardless of their biological connections.
Comment by Barb — May 10, 2009 @ 3:57 pm
Yeah, that’s one of those problematic things. The vet comparison works best when you lose the notion that women who aren’t mothers have a lower status of womanhood. I think it’s a false notion, but one that, unfortunately, gets perpetuated through the ivory pedestal type talks. But if we, collectively, could let go of the “lower status” notion implicit in such discourse, along with its baggage, then the honoring of mothers wouldn’t be so fraught with problems and hurt.
And that’s why I thought the comparison could be useful–honor mothers like vets, not as, er, higher status of womannood holders. Yes?
Which brings us back to the oft repeated (here) hope that the church in general maybe could ease up on the “divinity of motherhood” stuff. Look more broadly at women in lots of roles, not just as mothers. Making it less gender-defining makes it easier to honor.
Comment by Artemis — May 10, 2009 @ 4:00 pm
I think that the problem isn’t a day honoring mothers…I mean, I can’t think of a single person on the planet earth who is like…”Moms, who need em?”..but I do think that the idea that moms=homemakers is a bad bad bad bad distinction. I couldn’t help but feel annoyed in sacrament meeting with everything about sewing and vacuuming.
Comment by jddaughter — May 10, 2009 @ 4:20 pm
Today, our youth speaker spoke about Mother’s Day,but the other speakers spoke on the topics they were originally assigned before their speaking dates were changed because of a special stake conference. I kind of liked it. If the talks were more like those mentioned in #1, I’d be OK with it, but I get tired of “My mother is wonderful and here’s why” with no mention of the gospel or of bringing us closer to Christ, which is what I think Sacrament Meeting talks should be about.
I do not have children, and our ward does the “every woman over 18, please stand” thing. I thought I would escape since I was playing the organ, but a kind young woman brought me my huge cup of chocolate candies. Too bad I can’t eat sugar. I’m not opposed to honoring all women, but then it should be called Women’s Day, not Mother’s Day. But they don’t want me to feel bad about not being a mother so they give me the sugar.
Comment by Jeannine — May 10, 2009 @ 4:36 pm
I have always detested Mother’s Day service because of the ivory pedestal speeches. A few years ago, I mentioned this to my mother and to my surprise she detested them as much as I did. The ivory pedestal speeches are so full of the “perfect mother” stories that the rest of us can’t help but feeling like we are falling short. My mother’s question was why don’t people just tell their mothers directly how much they love them and how grateful they are. Why wait until Mother’s Day and give a bunch of platitudes over the pulpit.
The worst Mother’s Day service I attended was one where the speaker (a man) railed on any woman who worked and particularly any woman who earns more than her husband. I actually earn more than my husband. It’s not like that was what we wanted. It just happens that society values my skills more than my husband’s. My husband is quite talented, has a better education and is as deserving of a good salary as I am. I nearly walked out of that meeting. I thought the speech was so inappropriate.
I think it is wonderful for us to honor anyone who gives service to others. It is the way in which we do it that is problematic. Often with Mother’s Day speeches someone is outlining the “right” way to give service. I have to ask is there a “wrong” way to give service? If you are sincerely trying to help someone and doing the best that you can, you are giving service in the right way.
If we are going to honor women and mothers, then we need to recognize all the ways in which they give service. From housekeeping, to raising children, to earning a living, to political activist, to anything else that a woman does to serve her family or her fellow humans.
Comment by Angela May — May 10, 2009 @ 5:34 pm
I think that, perhaps, the mother’s standing would be more like military veterans if we lived in a world that decreed that everyone was expected to be in the military as a direct recommendation from God, and that anyone not serving in the military was either unfortunate, selfish, or deeply misguided.
In such a world (Sparta maybe?) then the mother’s standing would be much more similar to the military standing.
Again, my biggest beef is just when Mother’s Day turns into Homemakers Day.
Comment by jddaughter — May 10, 2009 @ 5:36 pm
Hello all–I just wanted to share my favorite Mothers’ Day story, which happened a couple of years ago. . .
I really don’t remember what the talks had been at church–usual stuff, “no greater calling,” all of that. But at the end of the service, some church leader (male) stood up and asked if all “girls age 12 and older” could stay behind to get flowers for Mothers’ Day. I, confused, stayed behind, with a growing sense of dread. Mind you, I was only 14 at the time, very much ~not~ a mother, and unwilling to be branded as such. A Utah Boy from the Youth Patrol came up all ready to hand me a white rose. “I don’t want that,” I said.
“Why?”
. . .I wasn’t exactly ready with a well-worded retort, so I chose to say the obvious. I turned to leave, and called, “I’m not a mother.”
So, basically, I would be thrilled if the Church (and commercialist ventures too) would limit Mothers’ Day to just that: mothers. Not wives. Not adult daughters. Please, please, not 12-year-old girls. I feel that motherhood is pushed too often, too much, on the females of the church.
Comment by Hakeber (daughter of TAG) — May 10, 2009 @ 6:05 pm
I really like this analogy. i was thinking as I was driving to church today about the moms I really wanted to wish a “Happy Mother’s Day” to and give a big hug. One in particular is a woman whose husband left her with four kids after a marriage of barely being there or involved anyways. Each of her children have at least one challenge (asthma, learning disabilities). She works full-time and gets home late and is stressed a lot of the time. I bet she doesn’t hear “thank you” enough or receive a lot of praise for her efforts. I was thinking that Mother’s Day isn’t a day to point out all the “perfect” mothers and feel crappy that we don’t measure up. It’s a day to recognize and appreciate that mothers keep going and going even when it is hard and to appreciate their sacrifice (kind of goes along with the vet analogy). I was thinking about my own mom and how I struggled to appreciate her because of all the things she didn’t do. But, then I remembered that she never gave up - not when my dad took off, not when she lost her house, not when she lost job after job. She has struggled with depression most of her life (probably since her dad died as a kid), but she keeps going. I appreciate that she held our family together the best she could and instilled in each child the idea that we could do anything we wanted - sky was the limit. I thought of moms with children with disabilities who are facing parenthoods different than they anticipated and how, even though it is hard, they keep going and sacrifice for their kids. And the moms whose children make different choices and turn out differently than they had planned, and they love them inconditionally. Anyways, by the time I arrived at church, I was a crying mess. (I wonder when I stopped wearing waterproof mascara - I had raccoon eyes). I found the kids of the single mom I was talking about (teenage boys) and told them to be sure they did something nice for their mom to show her how much they appreciate her.
Our ward handed out the new Gospel Art Book, a rose and a little bag of chocolates to each woman 18 and older. I thought it was nice. I love the Gospel Art Book - it’s perfect to keep in my church bag for lessons or talks. It could come in handy for a multitude of callings.
I thought both our talks were good. They were both given by men and were both on mothers. The second speaker and his wife have been struggling with infertility for about 13 years. I thought they were sensitive and appropriate. But, still, just the day being about mothers is hard. My good friend who has been trying to have children or adopt for nearly 20 years left the meeting after the Sacrament and left church after Sunday School because it is just too painful. I can’t say that I fully understand her pain (because I don’t want to undervalue her pain by claiming to understand it), but I remember hating Father’s Day as a kid. My mom never took us to church on Father’s Day because she didn’t want us to hear about how great other fathers were or make cards for a dad we would never see.
I spent half of church feeling bad knowing that others were feeling bad, and half of church feeling appreciated and understood. Such is the day.
Comment by Stephanie — May 10, 2009 @ 6:58 pm
I’ve never understood why the ward even feels it necessary to honour mothers at all on Mothers Day. Shouldn’t the children be doing that?
Comment by Kim Siever — May 10, 2009 @ 7:06 pm
I do just have to share my sweetest moment of today. When I opened the gift my 5 year old made me at preschool, there were two of them - one big heart magnet and one little heart magnet. The big one is for me and the little one is for his little sister in my tummy. His preschool teacher said he insisted on making one for her even though the other kids were saying, “She’s not a mom!” I just thought it was so sweet. My boys say they aren’t happy about having a sister, but the litlte things they do show otherwise.
That sweet moment helped make up for them accidentally dumping their fish bowl of tadpoles in the original pond water all over the carpet after dinner - I hope we found all the little tadpoles before attacking the stinky carpet with Spot Shot.
Comment by Stephanie — May 10, 2009 @ 7:37 pm
Our bishopric did something very unusual this year - instead of giving all of the women plants (which I subsequently kill anyway), they made a donation to a women’s shelter as a token of appreciation for ‘all of the women who work hard to make a happy home.’ I think it was a nice gesture, especially since it was made in honor of all of the women in the ward, and there was no standing, no handing out of gifts, no awkwardness. There was an insert in the bulletin that the bishop read over the pulpit and that was it.
The talks that I heard weren’t too bad; one was pretty standard, and the other was really excellent about relying on the Savior in all that we do. The thing that gets me through the standard talks is remembering that, knowing the girl that gave the talk, she really believes it and it gives her strength. I gagged a whole lot more watching the video on lds.org about mothers (I ran across it when I was checking the sharing time topic last night.)
Comment by VirtualM — May 10, 2009 @ 7:41 pm
Uh, yeah, that video was a little hard to get through. Flashing “perfect mom” across the screen didn’t help.
Comment by Stephanie — May 10, 2009 @ 7:46 pm
I would love to see Mother’s Day return to its radical roots, as Julia Ward Howe wrote in her Mother’s Day Proclamation:
Arise then…women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
“We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.”
If I am ever asked to speak on Mother’s Day again - not likely, since I’ve made no qualms of telling the Bishop precisely how I’d like to see Mother’s Day celebrated - I’m going to talk about all of the ways women have subverted the private sphere to change the world through social reform.
Comment by Quimby — May 10, 2009 @ 7:49 pm
(I say “again” because I was asked in High School, and gave a talk about how wisdom and knowledge are always personified in the female in the Old Testament, and how mothers are our first teachers - it was very mild compared to the Mother’s Day talk I’d give today, but it still ruffled a few feathers.)
Comment by Quimby — May 10, 2009 @ 7:51 pm
We have hideous carpet. I’ve wanted to change it since we moved in. It’s so bad, a bowl of pond water would hardly be noticeable. It’s so bad, last week my BIL spilled some red wine on it and apologised and then looked at all the other stains on the carpet and laughed. Now, it’s too late - Why waste good carpet on little kids? But oh, that horrible carpet . . .
Comment by Quimby — May 10, 2009 @ 8:09 pm
It went pretty well in my ward today. First, the theme was on “sacrifice in the family,” which allowed speakers leeway to talk about mothers, but also to talk about sacrifice more generically as a principle applying to all family members. Second, the YW passed out the flowers, so there was no awkwardness of whether to give flowers to the YW or not. Third, no one was asked to stand up, the YW just went around passing out flowers.
The only bad part was giving out flowers instead of chocolate. That was the fatal mistake.
Comment by Kevin Barney — May 10, 2009 @ 8:41 pm
I really like the donation idea. Very cool.
Comment by Matt A — May 10, 2009 @ 8:54 pm
Love the donation idea. Our ward for years always gives a coupon to a local place for a free scoop of ice cream. It always cracks me up, like I am just going to go and get myself a scoop alone. It always ends up costing me at least $10.00 to redeem my mother’s day “gift”.
Comment by denver born — May 10, 2009 @ 9:42 pm
In our ward all of the sisters (not YW) are given a gift, usually chocolate as they leave the chapel. We do not have talks about Mothers on Mother’s day. When the bishop was asked about this last year, he said they had been given direction from Salt Lake not to have a meeting dedicated to mothers but to assign talks as if it were just another Sunday. The Primary children did sing “Mother Dear” though.
Comment by wistfulblue — May 10, 2009 @ 11:23 pm
We had the most wonderful talks in our ward today. The youth speaker was the bishop’s daughter, and I’m guessing she got asked to speak a few days ago- it happens to her a lot. Our second speaker was a sister who just got released from YW. She gave the most heartrending talk about her struggles with infertility, and how she was able to come to terms with it- I especially liked how she touched on the fact that the culture of the Church is such that she was often looked down upon for “only” having one child. The third speaker was a brother who talked about some of the women who have been significant in his life, from his mother to his sister, from his first boss in high school to his employer in college, and finally his wife.
The YM handed out roses at the end… and there was the usual confusion over what to do about the YW. Most of us just left the chapel before the YM could bring us flowers. And then, when they had extras, they gave the flowers to us because we are their friends and they didn’t want to be carrying the flowers around for the rest of the day. But it was a little odd- definitely some mixed messages going on there. “Remember, having kids right now is bad, girls- oh, and here’s a rose because you’re gonna be a mom someday!” We mostly just laughed it off.
Comment by Chiasma — May 11, 2009 @ 12:01 am
Our ward gives a long stem rose and a little bundle of Lindt truffles to all the RS women. Fine by me, we have a lot of older sisters in our ward and it’s not obvious who is and who isn’t a mother to the YM, so this saves the embarrassment of not giving it to just a few.
We had 3 youth talks (sweet, but standard - we even got the poem about “Little Nell” etc) and then a great one. Ok, I’m biased because it was my husband who gave it, but seriously our bishop takes the selection of who speaks on Easter, Christmas, and Mothers Day really seriously because when a Mothers Day speaker gets it wrong, I’m sure he hears about it for months.
By the way, on Fathers Day we have a linger-longer serving a HUGE spread of pie for all the men in the ward after church. That’s a popular one too.
Comment by jeans — May 11, 2009 @ 4:25 am
My 25 year-old single social worker daughter sat next to me during sacrament meeting. She forgot to take her ADHD meds on time and was a little chatty during church. We had a great time in sacrament meeting. We had a retired brother speak. He told of his sainted mother who is cleaning his heavenly mansion for him. DD, “Because that’s woman’s work.” He told us that it is a woman’s duty to have children and too many women are shurking their duty. DD, “It’s time I quit shurking my duty. I’m going to go out and get pregnant. And I’m not going to let a little thing like marriage get in the way.” I was wondering about the sisters in the ward who couldn’t have children.
When it was finally over, the bishopric member announced that all mothers 18 and older would be receiving potted geraniums. DD, “What an insult to those teen mothers. They went to all that trouble of doing their duty to have children and they don’t even get a potted plant. How rude!”
I’ve got to remember to ask before we leave for church if she took her meds.
Comment by Floyd the Wonderdog — May 11, 2009 @ 6:04 am
Scary - I was in charge this year at my ward and I bought Impatiens (and yes – I thought it would be funny but it was a little to cerebral for anyone else to get). But then you said they get them every year and then I was confident it wasn’t my ward. Last year the HP bought king size candy bars and it was generally considered to be the biggest fail ever.
Comment by TStevens — May 11, 2009 @ 8:12 am
I’ve always liked the Mother’s Day gift, mostly because I’d never turn down chocolate. It’s given to all “adult” women on their way out of the chapel.
Comment by Emily U — May 11, 2009 @ 8:31 am
Our meeting was pretty good this year. I liked the talks, except that the one retold the story of “Johnny Lingo.” Can I just say that I HATE that story? You would think it could go away, but, no, it still turns up every once in a while.
Traditionally our ward has given chocolate to the women on Mother’s Day. Last year, they broke tradition and gave us all a little booklet on being a mother. That did not go over so well, so we were back to chocolate yesterday. Fine by me.
Comment by quizzical — May 11, 2009 @ 8:49 am
I woke up yesterday morning with a swollen eyelid that made me look like Quasimodo. So, I broke the Sabbath to trot to the eye doc at the local mall. I don’t know yet what was done in our ward, but I would rather the talks center around the aspect of universal motherhood- as an attribute to be noticed among every woman, age indeterminant, child-bearing status indiscriminate. Christ embodied the characteristic- and he was male. He loved, nurtured and sacrificed and emphasized the value of these things by living it. Women are doing these things in some aspect before, during and after bearing children. Look at Mother Theresa. She was not a biological mother, but I’d love to have even 1/4 of her skills as a nurturer.
It’s appropriate to acknowledge every sister. The RS “mothers” the entire ward. Nururing has many outlets- you should see me with my plants (if I could hug them, I would)… and when I did Great Dane rescue for nine years. That’s when I’m in touch with Mother Nature. It all belongs in the Mother’s Day catagory.
Comment by Kimberly — May 11, 2009 @ 9:14 am
I was visiting a ward that wasn’t my own yesterday because my ward meets in the afternoon and I’m currently performing in a play that does Sunday matinees at 2 PM. (Don’t worry—I made time for my mom earlier in the weekend!) It went pretty well. They had some good speakers. I particularly like the one who read an excerpt from Billy Collins (former US poet laureate) poem, which I think is called “The Lanyard.” It describes a boy making a lanyard for his mother at scout camp and what an inadequate gift this is compared to all that she’s given him. (”My mother gave me thousands of meals, a strong body, clothes on my back, and endless unconditional love….and I’m giving her a lanyard.”) Of course, the boy’s mother loved it anyway. The speaker then compared it to how we can never repay God for all He is given us (and the speaker included Heavenly Mother when he mentioned repaying God), but God still loves us and appreciates our efforts. It would have been a slam dunk, perfect talk had he not ended with bearing his testimony of stay at home motherhood. =/
And then all the women 18 and older (which included my 24 year old YSA self) stood up and got king size Snickers bars instead of the usual flowers. Normally, I would have enjoyed receiving heaps o’ free chocolate, but as a Weight Watcher who is struggling to stay on the wagon and make it to the finish line (almost to goal weight!) it was a bit troublesome.
After that, it was off to Sunday school, where we were reminded not to spend money, play games, or otherwise entertain ourselves on the Sabbath…after which I jumped in the car, went to Fazoli’s to grab a quick lunch, and went to the theatre to bring down the house once again with our fabulous ensemble comedy. ‘Tis fun to be a deviant once in a while.
Comment by Phoenix — May 11, 2009 @ 9:21 am
Here’s the link to the poem I mentioned in my earlier comment:
http://www.billy-collins.com/2005/06/the_lanyard.html
Enjoy!
Comment by Phoenix — May 11, 2009 @ 9:25 am
Having been the organist in our old ward, standing as requested because EVERYONE can see you, and struggling with infertility, I’ve had my shares of not so great Mothers’ Days. We have since adopted and moved to the next ward.
Yesterday the talks were nice. The main speaker actually spent more time talking to the men and youth about how to better treat mothers and wives through common courtesy, helpfulness and less selfishness, than he did lauding motherhood (although there was a bit of that thrown in there). I loved the part about the husbands and children not scheduling themselves so much that the mothers were “taxis” running them from one thing to the next. I just flat out refused to do that from the start, even though some other mothers have felt I have deprived my children of “opportunities”. If they really want to do all that stuff, they can do it when they have their own houses and can pay for it themselves. Also, if they learn as children that they can’t have/do everything, they may end up less selfish and better members of society.
We don’t have the stand up and be recognized (embarrassed etc…) in our ward. The bishopric simply requests that the entire congregation remain seated. It’s very casual, most people are milling around chatting rather than sitting. The youth pass out plants to those they know are mothers and simply ask anyone else if they want a plant. Some of the youth (YW and YM) ended up with plants this year as there were so many.
Comment by JJ — May 11, 2009 @ 9:43 am
Our ward didn’t hand out any treats or gifts. I was disappointed by that since my DH, although generally wonderful, sucks at holidays and I wasn’t expecting anything on that front. I thought I’d at least get something at church.
Comment by JJ — May 11, 2009 @ 9:57 am
Mother’s Day has changed. At the dawn of time I was in wards where women were given carnations. They were color coded and were handed out by age or number of children or whatever. They asked mothers in various categories to stand. I always thought it was so the people handing out the memento would know who was who.
Yesterday the person in charge asked everyone who was sitting beside a mother to raise their hand. Then the youth handed out artificial carnations with little wrapped dove candies inside some netting. It was nice. I liked it. It was the rest of the day,after I came home that was not particularly stellar.
Comment by Claudia — May 11, 2009 @ 12:09 pm
The 3 speakers in our ward gave the classic “ivory pedestal talks.” If you fit into the mold of what a mother should be, then the talks would definitely make you feel good about yourself. I don’t fit into the mold since I have been married for 3 years and without kids (oh the horror!!), so I once again left sacrament meeting on mother’s day frustrated and disappointed at the message they are sending. And when it was all over they asked every woman 18 or older was asked to stand for a candy bar. I was surprised, and thought it was a little ridiculous-probably because I don’t have kids and didn’t want to stand up and stick out against literally everyone else being mothers. And especially after the talks that were given, I just didn’t want to be a part of that. I don’t want to go to sacrament meeting and listen to 3 people tell me how all woman are supposed to be mothers and I certainly don’t want to hear that motherhood is the only calling that woman are given.
Comment by Obee — May 11, 2009 @ 12:39 pm
In our ward, we gave out the new Gospel Art Book to all the women over 18 and pretty much anyone else who wanted one. Members of the bishopric and Elders Quorum just handed them out before the meeting block. The bishop felt that it would be a great resource to get into the home of as many ward members as possible and saw this as a great opportunity to do so. It’s a wonderful because it requires no translation and the Church doesn’t produce material in the languages with which many of our members are most comfortable. I thought it was a nice gift and hope that some of the women appreciated it. We decided not to do chocolate largely because moms don’t end up getting much of it anyways. When I was like three or four apparently I gave my mom some kind of chocolate candy for her birthday or mother’s day or something “because she loves to share.” Wow, kids are kind of jerks. Wow, I’m definitely a jerk.
Comment by Zack — May 11, 2009 @ 1:04 pm
Thank you for reminding me why I skip church every Mother’s Day.
1. I’m not a mom yet, and I’m cool with that (kind of - stupid ovaries), so please don’t tell me I have worth “even though” I don’t have kids yet. I don’t need the reminder, thanks.
2. Please stop strongly implying that my worth in this world is predicated upon being an incubator and housekeeper. Or doing incubating and housekeeping things if I can’t or don’t have kids.
3. If I don’t stand up (because a) I’m not a mom, and b) I don’t want your melty chocolate), please quietly pass me by and don’t make such a fuss that you still love me and I’m still worth the treat even though I’m not a mom.
Loved the stories, tho.
Comment by that1girl — May 11, 2009 @ 1:18 pm
If we called it “Woman’s Day” (better yet, “Womyn’s Day”) instead of “Mother’s Day” would FMH be up in arms about the inherent awesomeness of the holiday?
Comment by Zack — May 11, 2009 @ 1:26 pm
How about “Mothering Day?” I figure that would include me who is middle-aged, single, and childless but the best aunt ever! I know it’s not the same as being a 24/7 mom…but I take pride in what I provide to my loved ones.
Comment by AuntieJo — May 11, 2009 @ 1:45 pm
This is very true.
Comment by Stephanie — May 11, 2009 @ 1:46 pm
We hit a new low for us. The youth talk was lame only because he hadn’t prepared it and was unable to read it very well. The high priest spoke on the priesthood, not one word about mothers. The young women made candy necklaces out of chocolate, which the young MEN passed out, thereby claiming all the credit. They also asked all the girls over 12 to stand. YUCK.. The worse thing is the temp outside was 105 degrees. What happens to chocolate in 105 weather? Now I remember why I always leave town for Mother’s Day. And the donation to the women’s shelter is beyond brillant.
Comment by polly — May 11, 2009 @ 2:11 pm
On Father’s day, do they ask the young men over 12 to stand as well?
Comment by aerin — May 11, 2009 @ 2:19 pm
My hubby and I have skipped Mother’s Day church for the last few years. I go in phases–some years, the fact that we are childless after 7 years of wanting makes me a blubbering mess during the Sacrament meeting Mom-fest. This year, I probably wouldn’t have cried but it still isn’t my favorite place to be. My mom is nowhere near. But mostly, I hate getting the consolation potted plant (which I always kill). It is really hard to get out the door without an awkward exchange with some well meaning High Priest who doesn’t want me to leave without my gift!
Since moving close to a couple of my hubby’s aunts and grandma, we have had lunch/dinner with them to honor them as our surrogate mothers. This year, one of the uncles brought flowers for “All the women in his life.” So sweet. Of the eight women at the family dinner, I was the only non-mother. Even the sweet uncle didn’t want me to feel bad or left out. I just hate that there was a conversation discussing it. I don’t want pity!
I like the shelter donation idea. Our RS did a special Mother’s Day event at a local battered woman’s shelter. They (only a very few were able to go because the location is to be kept secret for the safety of the women fleeing abusive partners) served dinner, helped the kids make crafts for their moms and the handful of licensed beauticians in the ward gave them haircuts and manicures. I wonder if our ward would have opted for the donation this year? I guess I didn’t go to find out!
Comment by Calidaho — May 11, 2009 @ 5:20 pm
I am a recent convert in my mid-20s and I attend a YSA ward. This was my first Mother’s Day as a member. I am not a mother, but when the Elder’s Quorum got up and handed all the women roses, I was so touched! I know this is very antifeminist, but it almost made me feel as if I was being honored just for being a woman and being (hopefully) a future mother. I thought it was very sweet. I am not used to things like that. I must say, as a new member, I find that motherhood and women and respected and revered much more so than in my evangelical, Baptist upbringing. Even one of the young men who gave a talk was jokingly saying that the reason why they have the priesthood is so that they can feel better about themselves because the sisters are already so much more precious and pure. Its funny how the media portrays Latter-day Saints as sexist, patriarchal polygamist jerks, when really we are quite the opposite. I really feel more and more like joining the church is the best thing I have ever done. I guess every ward does things differently, but I thought it was very touching.
Comment by butterflylion — May 11, 2009 @ 5:56 pm
I am too lazy to read all the comments, so I just want to put a plug in for what my ward does, that I love…
First of all, all the women get the “day off” from their callings, while the priesthood subs in. Then, for the third hour, they set up tables (with tablecloths even) in the gym and the youth serve all the women dessert, and pass out notes that the children and husbands have written for the women.
Even if some of the talks focused too much on housekeeping, I can forgive them when I get to sit and chat with my friends and eat cake
Comment by chiquita — May 11, 2009 @ 5:56 pm
We got a Mary Fielding Smith/ox/annointing reference in one of our talks.
Comment by queuno — May 11, 2009 @ 9:51 pm
I couldn’t go to church Sunday because I was under the weather-but my ward decided to do away with all that flowers nonsense and gave all the women Snickers bars. I can’t eat refined sugars so my husband gobbled it up. When my husband told me I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.
Were you visiting my ward Phoenix?
Comment by Krista — May 12, 2009 @ 12:57 am
I usually find mother’s day distasteful, but this year it wasn’t too bad. We only had one ignorant ivory tower talk, but more than a few people were rolling their eyes at it. The other two talks were good and celebrated divine feminine nature in all, not just women.
Our ward also always gives out flowers to all of the women- the stupid thing is, it is organized by the relief society - in all my past wards, even singles wards, it was always organized by the males for the females. Seems further futile for women to be honor women with cheap smelling flowers and stick pins. I still choose to not wear a flower, I am fabulous every day. I don’t need a cheap carnation once a year as a token of feminine appreciation by people who don’t know me particularly well. Two other women I know never wear the flowers because of allergies. Rebels!
But I don’t agree with the military comparison- it just doesn’t work for me, but a large part of my professional research is militarily based, so I can only be overly-pedantic in my reasons why this does not work, with gender just being the first- women are veterans, but men are not mothers- I’ll quit before I start cross referencing my argument to death.
I actually wouldn’t mind if the church opted out on Mother’s Day stuff. Father’s Day in Australia is on the first Sunday in September- fast Sunday—so there are NO father’s day talks the week before or after. No man I know is particularly upset about it- usually the primary children make something to give to their fathers after church, but that is it. No cheesy speeches. Would that be so bad?
Comment by spunky — May 12, 2009 @ 5:15 am
I was asked to speak in my single’s student ward, and since there were no mothers in the congregation, and my mother couldn’t hear me praise her, I decided to skip the sappy tribute to my Mom and instead talk about the doctrine of our Heavenly Mother. I’ve posted my talk here:
http://amy-gordon.blogspot.com/2009/05/mother-in-heaven.html
, so you can read it if all you got on Mother’s Day was ivory pedestal talks. I have noticed that any talk about fathers always talks about our Heavenly Father’s example, but no talk on mothers every discusses our Heavenly Mother. I decided to try to rectify that situation.
It was a little nerve-wracking to give, but it was very well-received, and at the end of the meeting, the bishop got up and included Heavenly Mother in his remarks. Every time he said “Heavenly Father…” he would finish with “and Heavenly Mother.” I was so happy I could have danced. Some day, perhaps, it will not be such an anomaly to mention the other half of God in Church, but since it is still such an event, I felt like celebrating.
Comment by Amy Gordon — May 12, 2009 @ 9:02 am
Amy, that talk is awesome. I’m so tempted to plagiarize it!
but my current bishop seems indisposed to asking me to speak in sacrament meeting at all, so it’ll be another year or so before I get the chance.
Fantastic job. I love all those pertinent quotes that you found and I’m so glad it was received well.
Comment by Artemis — May 12, 2009 @ 9:46 am
I don’t have much to say, just that almost every ward I have attended has honored not just the mothers. Last year, my ward passed out these cd’s of music to ALL the ladies in the ward. I didn’t expect it, because I am not a mother, but they gave me one anyway. It was really nice. When I was single, I taught a lesson on parenting/motherhood. A lot of the ladies were older (not really we were only like 25-29!) and so for some it was like putting salt in a wound BUT I changed the definition of motherhood, that it is any women that has an opportunity to be an influence for good to those around them. It helped the ladies understand that even if they don’t have children, haven’t bore children; that they can still be a force for good in peoples lives. And isn’t that what mothers do?!
Comment by Alexis — May 12, 2009 @ 10:47 am
Amy, your talk was amazing. I agree with Artemis, I wanted to plagiarize it! It was so well thought out. Very well done!
Comment by Alexis — May 12, 2009 @ 11:19 am
Amy-
What a wonderful talk. It would have been refreshing to hear it delivered in our ward on Mother’s Day. I hope that she is brought more into people’s conscious Gospel practice and acknowledgement than kept as some kind of elusive and invisible appendage.
Comment by Kimberly — May 12, 2009 @ 11:42 am
If you think that one Mother’s Day a year is hard to live with you should go to my ward. We live in Britian in a largely American military ward so Mothering Sunday (British) and Mother’s Day (American) are both expected to be celebrated. They fall in different months of the year. Double the fun I suppose.
Comment by Desert Rat — May 12, 2009 @ 3:56 pm
Our ward also gives a gift to all women over 18, not just mothers. Can I just point out that Eve was the “mother of all living” before she ever had children, and I’ve been well mothered, not only by my mother, but by other women in my life (some of whom have no children)?
I hate Mother’s Day because of the loss of two children. Too hard.
Comment by Donna — May 13, 2009 @ 9:46 pm
Artemis and all-
You’re welcome to use it. Glad you liked it.
Comment by Amy — May 16, 2009 @ 12:39 am