Selfish Mama
My four-year-old is on a sleeping strike. He’s worked his way through almost every excuse in the book for why he doesn’t just go to bed like a normal kid (scary teddy bear shadows in the bedroom, creepy patterns in the quilt my aunt made for him). His latest excuse is that the knots in the pine headboard freak him out and make it hard for him to fall asleep. So he needs the lights on. Which means he’ll read to keep himself awake until it’s time for his brother to go to bed, which is always a bad thing.
Last night the kid didn’t go to bed until after 11. He and I are both grumpy today, and any plans his dad and I had for the evening went right out the window. Trying to get a four-year-old to bed for four hours makes me cranky and tired, not amorous.
At one point during the course of the evening’s events, I yelled at him, “Don’t you understand that I need my down time? You’re totally ruining my evening!” My DH, out in the other room, said something along the lines of, “This isn’t about you. Do you realize how selfish you sound?”
He called it. I am selfish. And motherhood seems to highlight all the little ways that I’m selfish:
I don’t want to share my food. If I have a piece of cake and you want a bite, I’ll give you one. A very small one. Then I’ll resent you for sticking your finger in the frosting on the way out of the room.
I don’t want to be interrupted. When I’m writing a blog post, eating lunch, putting laundry in the washing machine, going to the bathroom, or taking a shower, I’m not going to stop to get you another cup of grape juice. Even if you whine. Unless you whine so much that it hurts my ears and it’s just easier to give in.
I don’t want to see you or hear you between the hours of 8pm and 7am. That’s my time. I don’t care if you’re nine and you’re not tired yet at a “baby bedtime.” Scram. Double scram if you interrupt me while I’m on the treadmill.
I am not a napkin, tissue or hand towel. If your hands have ketchup on them or your nose is snotty, find something besides me to wipe it on. I can break this rule myself if I’m too lazy to go find a tissue, but you can’t.
If I’m listening to a podcast in the car, I will not turn it off so you can listen to “Here Come the 123s” for the hundreth time. Yes, I know They Might be Giants are kind of cool, but I don’t care.
Sometimes I just want to do it myself. I know it would be a good learning experience to teach you how to chop onions/load the dishwasher/fold laundry/sweep but teaching you is way too much work.
Yeah, sure, I’ll read you a book, but not that one. I know you love it but I’m sick of that one.
When we come back from a weekend away without you, I often feel like I wasn’t gone long enough.
Yes, I can hear you, I’m just pretending I can’t.
I used to think I was a selfless person, a generous person, but motherhood has made me realize that I’m a lot more selfish than I thought I was. Is it a coincidence that all of the things I love to do best (running, reading, writing) are things that I have to get away from my kids to indulge in? I don’t think so.
How are you selfish?
yes to all of the above, and also add an hour and a half, minimum of mandatory nap/quiet time in the afternoon, lest mom be driven entirely insane and have absolutely no motivation to cook dinner (and if she does, it will most likely be burnt) and chaos reign supreme.
My husband wants to raise the bedtime to 7:30 (currently we start the routine at 8, and get them to bed by 8:30). I can’t quite bring myself to be that cruel.
Comment by sare — May 14, 2009 @ 2:05 pm
I don’t think it’s being selfish. It’s setting limits, and kids need limits. They need to know the world doesn’t revolve around them. Plus, if you give everything you’ve got to them, then pretty soon you won’t be much good yourself (said by someone who feels pretty close to that point myself and realizes that I need to start setting a lot more limits before my kids kill me off).
Comment by Stephanie — May 14, 2009 @ 2:10 pm
How funny. I just now put the baby (well 15 month old) in his swing praying he’d rock to sleep because I have a headache and messy projects that need to be done and I am really not in the mood to do all the things I know I’m supposed to be doing for him.
I am selfish because I have to have creative time in a day. Even if that comes at the expense of a clean house or dinner made or meeting every therapeutic exercise I’m supposed to do for my little guy.
Comment by reese — May 14, 2009 @ 2:11 pm
Reese– I totally hear you on the therapeutic exercise thing. The sleep striker has been in PT for the last year and a half, and every time his therapist gives us a new exercise, I groan inwardly at the new “homework” we’re supposed to be doing. I think, “Isn’t that what we’re paying you for?” Then I feel guilty about feeling like that and doubly guilty for not doing the homework half the time.
Comment by Shelah — May 14, 2009 @ 2:13 pm
I love, love, love this post.
And my husband would be in a world of hurt for calling me selfish. Hello, are you with them 24/7? No? Then back off buddy!
I’m selfish in a lot of the same ways. I hate getting interrupted. I hate it when I’m up getting something and they wait until I’ve sat back down (this is usually at dinner) to ask for something else.
When I’m reading, leave me alone please.
And I’m the same way about my nights - go to bed, it’s my time now.
One other thing that both my husband and I have discovered is how hard it is to do/watch/listen to things they like and we, um, hate. We want to do fun things with them but acting out Pokemon or playing a game they just “made up”, (oh those are the best) usually ends up being a trial of our patience.
I mean, why can’t the little brats only like the things we like!
Comment by Bewitched — May 14, 2009 @ 2:14 pm
Ha, yes, I am selfish. I would still like to be a majority shareholder in the “me” stock.
Comment by Jen — May 14, 2009 @ 2:17 pm
Love that. Totally.
Shelah - You get me! I was choosing my words so carefully because it sounded so awful to admit there are days I just can’t face doing his therapy. I’m the worst about his food - take an hour and a half three times a day to beg and cajole him into eating solid food, or just give him the bottle. If I get one good meal in a day, that’s a screaming success in my book.
Comment by reese — May 14, 2009 @ 2:23 pm
Actually, I think it would be really harmful to always give in to whatever the kids want and send the message that mom’s feelings, opinions, personal interests, body doesn’t matter. That can translate into “The feelings of women don’t matter” which can lead to daughters always submitting to husbands and sons assuming that their wives will always bow to their opinions (kind of the opposite of what feminists are going for, I would venture).
I’m sorry - I guess I’m just really taking issue with the word “selfish”. Moms give up SO MUCH for our kids that to set limits so we won’t go crazy doesn’t make us selfish. It makes us human and good parents.
Comment by Stephanie — May 14, 2009 @ 2:23 pm
Whoo Hoo! Stephanie lets me off the hook! And baby just fell asleep in the swing. This day is getting better in a hurry.
Comment by reese — May 14, 2009 @ 2:25 pm
I love this post too. My girls can recite back to me, ” Mom does not share food.” I tell them I shared enough growing them and then nursing them. My 7 year old has started wandering the night and she absolutely knows not to come to my side of the bed, I am just bitter in the middle of the night. I agree that kids need to have boundaries and this is much better than being a mommy martyr. I think that is worse for kids and doesn’t teach them anything.
Comment by LCM — May 14, 2009 @ 2:28 pm
and you guys wonder why i only have one child.
ha!
i can admit it. i’m selfish.
Comment by mfranti — May 14, 2009 @ 2:29 pm
It’s the bathroom. I really hate being bothered in the bathroom. So much.
I hate the other stuff too. And I also hate feeling guilty for not being more unselfish.
I think it’s good and important to set boundaries for your kids. They need to learn not to eat your food. But there’s a balance, and so often I feel I am too far on the selfish side of the line.
Great post.
Comment by Emily M. — May 14, 2009 @ 2:33 pm
Stephanie– Sometimes selfish is a good and necessary thing. That’s exactly what I told my DH when he called selfish. Right after I told him to get his butt in and wrestle with the kid for a while.
Comment by Shelah — May 14, 2009 @ 2:35 pm
I’m selfish about SCHOOL. We had our son before we were done with college (on accident) but I have made it clear there will be no sacrificing my education. I took some time off when he was born, but it’s back to business now. So far we haven’t needed daycare, but if that’s what needs to happen to get my degree it probably will. I want my kids to know the importance of respecting yourself and that’s what getting my degree is for me.
I have a theory that my MIL does her kids a dis-service by being the most selfless, giving, non-judgmental, perfect person on earth. My husband had to majorly lower his standards when he married me. And the fact that she never ever criticizes anyone? Dude… I think it might not have hurt him to be told once or twice “you are not THAT awesome”.
Comment by Alyssa — May 14, 2009 @ 2:42 pm
Alyssa it sounds like his mother made him into a pretty terrific guy by choosing you. Btw, just by reading your comments on occasion, he didn’t lower his standards. :0
Comment by Lizzy — May 14, 2009 @ 2:52 pm
alyssa, i feel your MIL pain. i hear the same stuff from my MIL. add to that mine is a huge enabler. it drives me insane. thankfully, we live over 1,000 miles from her.
i feel so much the same shelah. all the time. and with the imminent deployment of my husband……i may need to hire a regular babysitter once he’s gone. because i’ll lose it.
and i don’t know what you’ve tried to get the 4 year old to sleep, but if you’d like suggestions (or you can share what you’ve already tried. there are so many of us, one of us has got to have an idea that could work) let us know.
Comment by Terina — May 14, 2009 @ 2:53 pm
I am also on the side of you are not really selfish at all. And, Alyssa, I’m right with you there. So many of the Mormon boys I grew up with were SO BABIED. It was very silly. I knew this one guy who thought he was so enlightened and liberal, etc., and yet–as an ADULT–took his laundry to his mom’s house to be washed. Yuck!
Comment by Minerva — May 14, 2009 @ 2:53 pm
The year I gave birth to my first child, my mom was diagnosed with diabetes, breast cancer, and multiple sclerosis. My mom was the typical give-every-second-to-your-family type mom, who never did anything for herself, including get any sleep or exercise. I don’t know if those factors influenced her medical problems, but I do know that I would have given anything for her to have taken better care of herself, in the hopes of avoiding some of those problems. I vowed to take the time to take care of myself, because even though it seemed selfish at the time, I hope once my children are grown they will be grateful. At least that’s what I tell myself when I have crying kids wanting to play with me while I’m on the treadmill, or screaming kids yelling “go back” while they’re in the jogging stroller.
Comment by smalltowngirl — May 14, 2009 @ 3:00 pm
I read the list and thought, how is any of that selfish?
It’s not like your stealing their cake, just not letting them steal yours.
Comment by Tami — May 14, 2009 @ 3:00 pm
I’m selfish because I don’t want to have children at all.
Comment by Redoubt — May 14, 2009 @ 3:00 pm
I never really had this problem. My kids naturally stay up later than I do. If they wanted me to tell them a story (I was famous for my stories) I would do that before I went to bed, but they were in their rooms doing whatever it is they do at night. (My son loved computers from the age of 2 and my daughter designed outfits from a very young age).
If the kids asked for some of my food, I would always give it to them. This irritated the spouse as I was already very underweight.
I raised my children to be responsible and independent from a very young age and so I never really had these problems. The only thing that I was pretty strict on was that Mom’s Taxi only ran on Saturday mornings (to avoid those emergency trips to the store etc).
But I also only had two children. More kids than that would have been outside my realm of comfort.
Comment by StillConfused — May 14, 2009 @ 3:01 pm
smalltowngirl, I totally agree that sacrificing too much of yourself for your kids can/will lead to health problems.
Comment by Stephanie — May 14, 2009 @ 3:03 pm
I loved this post. I couldn’t agree more, except for the part about a weekend away because the most I’ve ever had was 24 hours. Once.
Thanks for being so honest!
Comment by Bridget — May 14, 2009 @ 3:07 pm
I tell my kids “I am done with kids for today”. About 8 to 8:30 I come to an end of my ability to mother. After that I need my own time. It is survival.
Summer’s coming and I am trying to get excited and prepared to have the kids all day, every day again. Evenings are the worst because bed time gets pushed back till 9 so we can enjoy the hot, but no radiant heat part of the day.
Comment by miles — May 14, 2009 @ 3:12 pm
Tami- I’ve been known to steal their cake too.
Comment by Shelah — May 14, 2009 @ 3:13 pm
I’m sorry, shelah #13, I just bristle at the word “selfish”. I think its harmful effects extend beyond the home. Like to assertive women in the workplace being labeled as *itchy. “What, a woman who has an opinion? My mommy just rolls over if I ask her to”.
I know I am overreacting, and I get the point of your light-hearted post. I guess that with all the real selfishness going on in the world, I have a hard time with a good mom who is obviously very NOT selfish (you, of course) disparaging herself even in jest with the word. And now I’ll shut up because I’m just making too big if a deal of this.
Comment by Stephanie — May 14, 2009 @ 3:13 pm
Not that it works all the time, but we take toys and put them in time out if my two don’t go to bed. This is after we go through our bedtime routine, including stories and songs (and I leave). If my kids decide to leave their room (repeatedly), scream, bang on their door, etc. I take one of their toys (for my son it’s his train engines) and it goes in time out until the next day - with a reminder that it’s bedtime (go to sleep so you can do x in the morning). The more times I have to go in, the more toys go into time out.
It’s much more effective than simply pleading with them to go to sleep. And it doesn’t involve spanking.
Good for you for taking time for yourself. Parents need that. I feel strongly as well that children need limits (flexible) and parents need to ask their children to respect some limits. Being as honest as possible (age appropriate) about what you need. It’s never too early.
Comment by aerin — May 14, 2009 @ 3:17 pm
And reese, too! I can’t even begin to imagine your challenges with all the extra caregiving required to take care of your sweet baby. Please, don’t feel guilty if you need a break or want the baby to nap! You are only partly superhuman.
Comment by Stephanie — May 14, 2009 @ 3:17 pm
Haha, this post brightened my day. I’m glad someone else isn’t ashamed to admit that they are a “selfish” mom from time to time. I don’t know why women are so good at feeling guilty for simply meeting some of their own needs or wants every once in a while. Today is one of those days where my toddler has watched Waale twice so that I could get work done, and where I have raised my voice so many times that I’m surpised I’m not hoarse. I was just thinking what an awful mom I am, but then I rememebred that I’ve taken him to the zoo twice in the last week even thought I am pregnant and tired, and I’ve made sure that each day he does something fun. He’s loved. I haven’t lost my mind yet. I guess we’re headed in the right direction.
Comment by roryjean — May 14, 2009 @ 3:26 pm
redoubt: not every person is meant to be a parent. If you feel you arent a parent due to your selfishness then I say, don’t be a parent. You don’t have to account to your selfishness to anyone but you.
Comment by shakti — May 14, 2009 @ 3:34 pm
I am selfish in the fact I just bought a 12oz. bag of Dove dark choc. and I am hiding it and not sharing with teenagers. I selfishly go to bed rather than do their laundry. They know how to work the machines! I do their laundry at times, just not regularly.
Comment by shakti — May 14, 2009 @ 3:36 pm
I love this post. I’m totally a shelfish mom too. I think it’s fine to take time for yourself. There is a balance in everything.
DH does bed time, when he is home. It gives me time to clean up the kitchen and work on the other things I need to get done (laundry, paying bills, sewing projects, exercising). It’s his time one on one with his kids that is consistent and they know that he is in charge. It also helps that he has to try and accomplish a goal with all four kids hanging on him, he is much more understanding than he would be otherwise.
I like the supernanny method personally. It worked like a charm with Lucy when we put her in a big girl bed. Pretty much if you watch just about any episode of Supernanny, you’ll see it. Seems to be a big problem with kids.
Good Luck!
Comment by annajorgy — May 14, 2009 @ 3:38 pm
Two words: door locks.
Comment by Jane — May 14, 2009 @ 3:47 pm
I’m selfish because I am putting my education and career ahead of having children.
Comment by shannon — May 14, 2009 @ 3:54 pm
Ok, if you all want to help me with the bedtime scenario, here’s the deal.
Kid A (age 4) goes to bed at 7pm. The routine: bath, teeth, jammies, three stories. He gets to keep the lamp on next to his bed and is NOT supposed to read after we leave the room. The door is closed.
Kid B (age 9) goes to bed in the same room at 8pm. He has a similar routine, but he’s allowed to read in bed until 8:30.
So Kid A has been forcing himself to stay awake until Kid B goes to bed. We often don’t know that he’s awake because he’s quiet. But when Kid B goes to bed, the two end up talking, jumping on beds, running around, etc… and then neither one falls asleep.
I often solve the problem by putting Kid B to bed in my bed, then I make him walk to his own bed when I want to go to bed. But during NBA playoffs season when my DH has to watch every.single.game and I have no desire to watch them with him, I want to be able to sit in my own room and either read or watch tv (see, I’m selfish) and don’t want to share that space with a kid.
The easy solution to the problem would be to make Kid A sleep with the lights off, but he’s so profoundly hysterical when we do that so we don’t often enforce it. And I have issues with telling him no because he’s been so sick and fragile, so he’s probably gets away with more than I’d allow my “whole” kids to get away with.
Kid C says when I yell at him, she can’t sleep (she’s reading over my shoulder and wanted me to say that).
So what do you do? He wants to share a room with his brother (and we just bought a house where they’ll be sharing again) but their inability to just GO TO SLEEP at bedtime when they’re both awake and in the same room is really a problem.
Comment by Shelah — May 14, 2009 @ 3:59 pm
I’ve even considered buying them beds without the scary all seeing eyes, but I know he’d find something else to keep him awake.
Comment by Shelah — May 14, 2009 @ 4:02 pm
I have 3 children under 4 and I usually reach my limit by 5:30 in the evening. lol I am selfish in all of the above ways. I am selfish with toilet training because I make my 3 year old clean his own poopie underwear in the toilet. Sorry I just don’t want to touch it. I make my kids clean up their own messes because as I tell my 4 year old, “should I make you clean up your sister’s messes because you’re older?” “no” “then why should mommy have to pick up after you all the time??” I have quiet time as well because I HAVE to be able to hear myself think for at least a little while so I can make it ’til daddy gets home and I can go to the gym. =-D
Shakti, I hide candy too. lol and there’s nothing wrong with making a teenager do their own laundry. It’s our goal to make them independent right??? And being able to do things for themselves fosters self-confidence.
Comment by Sara — May 14, 2009 @ 4:07 pm
We had the same problem when our boys used to share a room. I’ve blocked out what we did. We tried really hard to put them to bed far enough apart that the younger one was asleep by the time his brother went to bed. We had a play room where our older one could read for awhile if necessary.
Would a night light work instead of a lamp? Or a much dimmer bulb?
Comment by Alliegator — May 14, 2009 @ 4:13 pm
Oh- I remember- if they stayed up late talking, they had to go to bed extra early the next night (or have a nap during the day) to make up the sleep.
Comment by Alliegator — May 14, 2009 @ 4:14 pm
Unselfish mothers make selfish children.Sounds like you’re training useful human beings to me.You just keep on being human.Please don’t laugh,but I thought I should model myself on Mary the mother of the Saviour.Don’t ask me how well that went.So,I hide myself in the garden.Turns out there’s only so much available any one human being can do in a day.You’re being a great example for your children,keep doing the good stuff.
Comment by wayfarer — May 14, 2009 @ 4:16 pm
I just sit in the room with my kids until they fall asleep. We have a rocking chair in there, and I sit there with a laptop, book, journal, or similar ‘quiet activity.’
While I’m in there I strictly enforce the rules of no noise, no fidgeting, lying still and for the older one eyes closed. Generally I’m not in there for more than 30 minutes.
I don’t especially *like* sitting in their room getting after them for wiggling their feet, but this is the fastest low-conflict way of getting them to sleep that I’ve found.
Comment by Starfoxy — May 14, 2009 @ 4:16 pm
Before I became a mom, I knew a woman who sent all seven of her kids to their bedrooms at 7:30 pm (at the time they ranged in age from 4-12). The younger ones had to go to sleep, but the older ones were allowed to stay up reading until their appointed “bedtime”. I thought this was incredibly selfish and WRONG!
After I became a mom myself, I totally saw the wisdom of her ways.
When my girls were little, I started teaching preschool and my husband started going to school at night. I was around kids all day, by myself for the most part. I had to have some “me” time or I was going to go crazy! So bedtime was at 7pm, no ifs ands or buts.
The time has gradually gotten a little bit later as they have grown, but even now at ages 10.5 and 9, they go to their bedroom at 8 and lights are out by 8:30 on school nights. (The only exception to the rule is the night they have Activity Nights).
I refuse to feel guilty about it, either. I want to do what *I* want to do for just an hour or two out of the day without sacrificing *my* sleep to do it. I have always tried to pick my battles with my girls, but bedtime is the Rubicon I don’t cross.
Comment by Jennifer in GA — May 14, 2009 @ 4:25 pm
Hey Emily M– just wanted to add that when my current 4yo was a baby, I went through a period where I wrote a bunch of very serious, very bad poetry. The only poem I wrote during that whole period of time that I think has timeless appeal was one that came to me (you guessed it) in the bathroom. It’s much lighter and shorter than the rest, so I’ll share it with you:
Sometimes,
You just want to take a crap
Without
Someone sitting on your lap.
That’s when my kids were 4, 2, and 0 and I thought I’d never pee with the door closed again.
Comment by Shelah — May 14, 2009 @ 4:26 pm
I hope you don’t mind me joining the conversation. I haven’t posted before but I’ve been a bona fide lurker for about two years and I love this blog and am particularly intrigued by this post. I’m a little scared to comment (I’m a blogging virgin) so here it goes…
Since becoming a first time mother four months ago I’ve really had to reexamine my definition of selfishness. I had this assumption that if you don’t give EVERYTHING to your child and not love, love, love every second of it you’re a selfish mom. Well, after holding my child for approximately 22 hours a day, eating with one hand, peeing with him in my arms because I didn’t want him to wake up, and spiraling into postpartum depression I have now decided that giving absolutely everything is unhealthy and isn’t really what he needs. Ironic, isn’t it because all I want is to meet his needs.,
I know this post is light hearted but I still feel like I need to say that you are all clearly not selfish but rather devoted mothers who have spent untold and unknown hours with prayers in your hearts and on your knees on behalf of your children. We’ve all shed many tears, had many worries and have essentially given our hearts (and sometimes our bodies) and that’s what matters. So enjoy your cake - especially if it has delicious, butter cream frosting. Kids are incapable of truly appreciating those things anyway so my motto is don’t waste it on them!
Comment by RoseM — May 14, 2009 @ 4:27 pm
Also,sick kids leave you without a leg to stand on as you don’t have recourse to the parenting chesnuts(because I said so,clear your plate before desert,settle down now,that’s enough).Effectively everything becomes negotiable all the time-parenting hell.You’re doing what you can to be a good mother in less than optimal circumstances-there’s no comparison with the norms for a healthy child as a whole load of anxiety will be going on for that little man.My son once referred to going to sleep as being a little like death-you may need to seek some specialist advice,but as his parent you will be the best person to judge how that is implemented in your family.All this makes it especially important that you take care of yourself whenever possible,which may not be all the time with a sick child.Be gentle with yourself,and that may make it easier to give him the understanding he needs.He clearly has a good start in a mother who is trying to take her own needs into account.
Comment by wayfarer — May 14, 2009 @ 4:28 pm
Well, I’m selfish because I just took a shower while 2 year old stood outside the door screaming because he wanted in with me.
Shelah #35 - it sounds like Kid A doesn’t like to be alone. Sounds like he just wants to be with his big brother. Could you do both of their routines at the same time and put them to bed at the same time? Maybe a little earlier? That way they could be together, play around together for a bit and then still get to sleep on time. We have 3 boys in the same room (currently by their own choice - now that my mom and brother moved out, we have 5 bedrooms, but noone wants their own bedroom. They like to be together! Noone wants to share a room with the 2 year old yet either). We do the whole bedtime routine all together - baths, brush teeth, scriptures and prayer. Then, we (I say “we”, but this really only happens if dad is doing the routine. If mom is home alone, I am so past being done by this time that I am just growling at them by this time) read the younger two books while the older two read to themselves. Then, we turn the light off but leave the closet light on. They are allowed to read in the closet if they want. Usually my 5 and 7 year old fall asleep right away, and my 9 year old reads for a bit. It might be worth a try!
Another bonus of doing it all at the same time is that it cuts down on your workload!
Comment by Stephanie — May 14, 2009 @ 4:34 pm
I used to babysit boys that shared a room together, and I’d do the same thing as Starfoxy. I’d sit in there reading until they fell asleep. Maybe if you do it as a “privilege restriction” thing then they won’t get too used to it. Like, you can read for 30 minutes but if I hear any playing then mom or dad is going to sit in there and no more reading.
Comment by reese — May 14, 2009 @ 4:53 pm
I am extremely selfish. I was talking about this with my hubby last night. It is painful to realize how selfish you are. It made me cry, but I told dh last night. If ifI change it won’ t be overnight.
And what gets me about your story is that your husband tells you how selfish you are from another room. Why wasn’t he there making the kid go to bed? Or maybe he was and you were taking turns, but my parents-being-fair-radar went off. To stay sane is not an easy thing. It takes tuning out, ignoring, taking your time…all those things up there to stay a nice mom for the rest of the time… if that makes sense?
Good luck– I am right in that boat with you Shelia
Comment by Sunshine — May 14, 2009 @ 4:56 pm
Alyssa- “You’re not that awesome” is a favorite saying in our family
My parents are really supportive of me and my mom tells me all the time that I’m a great mom, so I don’t worry about being “selfish” (is there really anyone who likes having a crowd in the bathroom?) But I do get jealous that my husband doesn’t have the same sense of responsibility that I do. When he comes home in the evening, he can relax, but I still feel like I’m clocked in until bedtime. I would love to have an excuse to leave the kids with him for any amount of time so he could get used to responding to all their needs. But I think I would need to be in the hospital or something so he wouldn’t call me constantly.
Comment by Kimarie — May 14, 2009 @ 5:09 pm
Wayfarer: “Unselfish mothers make selfish children.”
I agree, but now what does one do to rectify that problem? Mine are teen-agers, I think it is to late.
Comment by shakti — May 14, 2009 @ 5:31 pm
Lizzy, that was incredibly sweet. Thank you.
Comment by Alyssa — May 14, 2009 @ 8:05 pm
I was once selfish, when my husband was around. Since I have to wait ANOTHER 3 months for him to get home, I’ve become that martyr to my son. I told my husband when he gets back, I’ll be around, but I’m taking 6 months off. Hehe, we’ll see how long that lasts. No but seriously it was such a transition for me as I have no family down here and I’m quite used to having “me time” and “down time” because since it is yet that man can bear children, he KNOWS he owes me. No that he’s gone, its just me and my son, no way to change that. Even on “give parents a break” day, its not a break because I’m doing all the OCD cleaning that my husband and I normally do, then I have to prepare his meals because he’s an organic only vegetarian, and then after than I have to go right back and pick him up. Be a little selfish, because if I could be right about now, I would be.
Comment by Julez — May 14, 2009 @ 8:23 pm
One word - melatonin.
Comment by Courtney — May 14, 2009 @ 9:07 pm
All of this selfish versus unselfish talk is part of the reason I do not identify with the term “mother”. Don’t get me wrong . . . I love being a PARENT but I never, ever think of myself as a mother. mothers are far too selfless and giving for me. For the most part I feel like a good parent and it would never even occur to me to feel bad about any of the things listed in the post. In my mind, taking care of my daughter, heck, even sacrificing things for my daughter is selfish because I do it because it is important to ME. In that sense, reading to my daughter and enforcing mandatory early bedtimes are both “selfish” actions because I do them because I value them. Really, the only thing I do that I consider selfless is weeding our dang flowerbed. That is something I do simply because it is important to someone else (my husband).
Comment by juniper — May 14, 2009 @ 10:24 pm
#49–for teenagers, check out the book “Have A New Kid By Friday” from the library
#51–you definitely need some me time. Is there someone in your ward that can give you one evening a week off? Can you afford a babysitter? Just so you can walk around the mall or sit in a bookstore??
I am so glad the days of being a martyr mom seem to be out of fashion. I think it’s a poor lesson for your children, especially girls, to never let them see their mom taking some time to develop themselves. Great post.
Shelah, I don’t know anything about your little one’s sickness, but is he on any medication that could be making him anxious?
Comment by Amy S. — May 14, 2009 @ 10:32 pm
Your husband makes me want to throw up a little. Put the kid to bed already and stop being such a doormat. i have 4. They brush their teeth, get read a story, tucked in and kissed then the lights go off (except the night light) and mommy says good night and SHUTS THE DOOR! Life is tough. What exactly are you trying to teach him with all the coddling and what in the world is your husband teaching him??? Hubby sounds like he sounds like he needs a good slap up side the head quite frankly.
i can’t tell you how depressing that account was to read. Talk about self worth in the toilet. We obviously know who is on the bottom of the totem pole at your house and it aint the kid.
Comment by StepfordWife — May 15, 2009 @ 1:26 am
Nothing improves your self worth like a nasty driveby comment!
Comment by reese — May 15, 2009 @ 1:38 am
I couldn’t agree more!
Comment by ErinG — May 15, 2009 @ 8:11 am
I don’t have kids, but wish I did. It bothers me when I hear women complain, because they are so selfish. I’d give up everything to have kids.
Comment by Liz — May 15, 2009 @ 8:13 am
Add me to the list of those who don’t think you were selfish. You are setting limits and yeah you were tired when you said you needed your time, but it’s true and your kids need to hear it. Otherwise they’ll grow up into selfish little beings. And I would have slugged my husband if he’d said what your’s did while I was struggling to get the kids down and he wasn’t helping.
Comment by DeeAnn — May 15, 2009 @ 8:22 am
Me, too! I agree with all of the above!
Except for #56 (Chill pill. Take a couple.)
And I don’t think of it as selfish, I think of it as self-preservation.
(devoted blurker who opted to come out in support of mothering, our kids and ourselves as needed)
Comment by browzin — May 15, 2009 @ 8:23 am
I don’t think you are being selfish really. I just think that you are caving in to your kids and need to learn some better parenting skills. Things like that can be controlled and then everybody has the time they need. Along with that, your husband needs to be more of a team player - on your team. If he has to watch that much basketball, then he is a lot more selfish than you.
Comment by AnonOnThis — May 15, 2009 @ 9:09 am
What’s wrong with being selfish? Embrace it. We are all selfish. Even serving others is selfish because we get happiness from seeing others happy. Some people feel happy playing the martyr–it’s selfish. Selfishness is an element of life (like breathing) not a moral shortcoming.
It’s ironic how one party will often call another selfish, simply because their own selfish needs are not being met!
Comment by ujlapana — May 15, 2009 @ 9:49 am
I would say that these examples of “selfishness” are not so much selfishness as self preservation.
I viciously guard my sanity. I come from a family rife with mental health conditions, mostly various levels of depression, but also several others mixed in the lot. I am myself susceptible to developing depression if I become overwhelmed for extended periods of time. It would not benefit myself or my family if I end up incapable of functioning, or in the loony bin. Therefore, I keep a very close eye on my own mental health and when I start becoming overwhelmed because the way things are being done are not successful, others start losing the privilege of doing things their way, and must do them mine (because their way just isn’t working out.) I’m not saying that my way is the only way, just that if their chosen method is not successful, they have try it my way until they come up with another potentially successful plan of their own to try. For example, when homework isn’t being brought home and my son is failing math, I pick him up in his classroom everyday and check for homework there instead of picking him up in the pick up line. When DD is not putting food away, washing the counters or cleaning the table when doing dishes (because she processes single details and does not see the big picture), she gets a check list of each task involved in doing dishes that she must check off with a pen each night.
Our 14 year old daughter (extended family adoption, came to us when she was 5) has signs of FAS, was in residential psyche for over a year before age 10, cannot process more than one detail at a time, cannot verbalize her feelings beyond “happy” and “sad”, and can functionally dissociate from life (and does so several times a day). Because she has the emotional maturity of a 4 year old, the social maturity of a 9 year old, and has yet to develop the ability to recognize her own emotions (we’re in therapy) let alone experience any empathy towards others, she is also home schooled, and I still work part time.
She has a closet with clothes hung on hangers and in clear plastic bins, a bed with linens and a few personal belongings on a shelf. She must strip her bed each day, vacuum the entire room, and clear out her dirty laundry. If left to her own “system” she consistently sleeps with food in her bed, open containers of partially eaten oysters or other other food packaging under the bed, and leaves bloody underwear in drawers or the bottom of her closet; hence the years long fight with bugs I have been having at my house. (The house rule has always been no food in the bedrooms.)
She now hauls her books around in plastic grocery bags, I might consider giving her a cardboard box at some point. She told me she didn’t want to clean out the spilled lunch in her book bag “because it was gross”, and two weeks later it had rotted to the point that I smelled it and checked her bag. She would have just carried on with the rotting food. She was a bit miffed that I’m not buying her another book bag until August, and she still has about two months left on her program.
I’m sure that there are people out there who would say that I am abusive in my treatment of her. They don’t deal with her almost 24 hours a day, and they don’t know all the details. My job is to teach her to function in this world, and sleeping with food in her sheets, neglecting personal hygiene, and being a bio-hazards is generally unacceptable in civilized society. As her therapist said, she consistently refuses to learn the lessons, and as I told her, I am not going to be punished with a house full of pests as a result of her actions.
I have not done things for my children that they have asked. I tell them that they cannot expect me to take the time to go on field trips, make cookies, etc. for them if they cannot take the time to do things for me to help make up for my sacrificed time. I did not make an Easter dress one year for the daughter because her behavior took up so much of my time that I didn’t have time to do it, and told her so. If I have to do something they were responsible for, they own me double the time in work. They are learning that my “time” is valuable.
At our house we have never instituted a bedtime ritual based on age. We all go to bed about 8:30 or 9:00 p.m. DH and I are up at 4:30 a.m. to get him off to work. DD gets up at 5:30 to shower etc. DS gets up at 7:00. We clean our teeth, read scriptures, might have a story or two, pray and then we are all off to bed. It has worked for us, but may not for most. I guess you could always get up after they are asleep. At our house you can read in bed, but you must get up happy, if you are grumpy, no reading the next two nights.
I wanted 10 kids growing up; I have adopted two. Thank God that He knew me better. I honestly don’t think I would have remained sane.
Here are some truths to end with:
“If mother isn’t happy, NOBODY is happy.”
more importantly,
“You can’t give water from an empty bucket.”
Comment by JJ — May 15, 2009 @ 9:57 am
#59, Liz, I wish you had kids too, because then you might realize that, one, being a mother is whole lot frickin’ harder than you thought, and two, that just because you need to vent and complain sometimes it doesn’t mean you are bad mother.
And I think you are (or should be) exaggerating when you say you would “give up everything to have kids,” because, no, I doubt you really would, and even if you did, you would realize that you wouldn’t be happy that way.
Your melodramatic post reminds me of a teenager’s view on love, and oaths that they would do anything for love. Fast forward a few years to a married couple who have a love deeper than that teenager could even imagine, but yes, they still complain about one another and they still are selfish sometimes. Because love, or (motherhood) does not make you perfect.
Comment by chiquita — May 15, 2009 @ 10:08 am
What a relief to read this post and all the comments. I get so frustrated that my DH and kids act like I’m the biggest jerk in the world when I think they can pick up their junk once in awhile or give me some space. DH was one of those that grew up with a mom who did EVERYTHING and probably still would do everything for him. She has even commented to me on what a disservice it was to her sons and how she feels bad for their wives now. Sadly DH doesn’t see it and wants to turn our kids into little monsters as well.
“They are good kids and they are just kids. They’ll learn” umm, not if we both just give in to every last little thing that they think they want on a whim but in the end just toss aside.
I’ve been having talks with DH about controlling some of the entitlement issues that I think we are teaching both of them (ages 3 and 8). They just expect everything. My son drinks his sippy and when it is gone, hands it to me. I say “you can put it on the counter” and he yells “NO YOU!!” Daughter hands me her backpack on the way out to the car and says “I don’t want to carry this” and I say “you have arms” and then she pouts. I have to announce “I am sitting down to eat. If you need something, ask now because I will not be standing back up” It is ridiculous.
I do the same “I’m done with kids!” line around 9 PM. Some of you are so lucky…kids in bed by 7? by 8? I would love that. Sadly, I’m relieved if they are down by 10:30. Great post. You are not selfish and I feel a little more normal this morning.
Comment by Julia — May 15, 2009 @ 10:42 am
Wow, I have a lot to read through, but before I respond to anything else, I need to say that even though my DH was in another room, he was doing something with one of the other kids, not just sitting on his butt watching basketball (although I wouldn’t be surprised if it were on in the background).
Comment by Shelah — May 15, 2009 @ 11:02 am
My mom told me once that she and my dad decided long long ago “It is more important to us that other people like you, than that you like us.” Maybe she didn’t phrase it the best, but the point is that they wanted their kids to be good people and in order to teach us how to get along with other people they had to be the villains sometimes.
If you give your children everything you have, if you let them walk all over you, then they’ll have huge egos, little or no self control, a poor work ethic, and you will be the only person in the world that still likes them. Is that what you want for your kids?
Comment by Starfoxy — May 15, 2009 @ 11:13 am
Thank you all. You have no idea how much I needed this today.
We ALL feel like this!
Comment by Melanie H — May 15, 2009 @ 12:45 pm
@JJ (#64): “I viciously guard my sanity.” This may be my new favorite potential t-shirt slogan.
Comment by SarahNicole — May 15, 2009 @ 12:49 pm
Good comment, Starfoxy.
I’m going to the Midwest Pilgrim’s retreat this evening (YAY!) and I was on the phone with my husband this morning working out logistics of his weekend with our son. He said “I think you’re really excited about leaving us behind.” You bet I am. 2 nights not having to deal with bedtime! I deserve this!!!
Comment by Emily U — May 15, 2009 @ 12:54 pm
#69: All of us except StillConfused (#21). Big eye roll for her.
Comment by Emily U — May 15, 2009 @ 12:55 pm
Remember all those baby books that told you babies would just play for hours with their fingers? Well, 14 years later, and I’m still waiting. Grandma had the best advise for me: Kids will take 100% of your time if you let them.
Comment by newbie — May 15, 2009 @ 2:50 pm
Oh and having to change my pads/tampons with the door open pissed me off.
Comment by newbie — May 15, 2009 @ 3:13 pm
I purposefully do not swing my kids at the park. I know..mean. I want to spend some time with my friends (if they are there too) talking. My kids learn to “push” themselves early on.
My kids are allowed to stay up as long as they want, but they cannot get out of bed (unless to go to the bathroom).
My baby is asleep in the swing right now, whilst I blog. My other two kids just made their own chocolate milk and dinner time is right around the corner.
Tivo has been a good investment. Sometimes I let a few days go between baths (for my kids). I often get treats while I am working (lunchtime or between appointments) because I don’t want to share with my kids.
Am I horrible? Maybe to some, but I know my kids love me and I love them, so there.
Comment by Katie — May 15, 2009 @ 4:06 pm
[…] 15, 2009 in Uncategorized On the heels of Mother’s day, I was reading a blog over at FMH and thought it might be fun to do a confessional of “bad” mom habits. So, here […]
Pingback by Bad Mom « Never a True Aggie — May 15, 2009 @ 4:15 pm
i never drive my kid anywhere. if she wants to go somewhere she has shoes/bike/bus pass.
my time is too valuable and i’m too selfish to be a chauffeur.
Comment by mfranti — May 15, 2009 @ 4:58 pm
I’ve always found it a bit odd that in our testimonies and talks at church, we seem to hear this on a regular basis (when someone is speaking about a woman that was an example of a good Christan/Mormon):
“She always put her kids before herself.”
“She always put her husband before herself.”
“She always put everyone else before herself.”
…And yet, we wonder why us mothers (and future mothers) especially in the church struggle so much with feelings of inadequacy and discouragement. Well it’s no wonder!! It is especially bad here in Utah County. The pressure here is so strong, it can really mess with your head if you’re not careful. No wonder so many of the women here are doped up on prescription pills. Calling oneself selfish for establishing some healthy boundaries with their kids? Let’s stop calling it “selfish” right now, because it’s just not even accurate. It’s just derogitory.
The other day, my VT partner was complaining to the lady we VT about how she’s never able to go to the bathroom without one of her two kids coming in the bathroom and bothering her or wanting to sit on her lap. She made it sound like she had no choice - she said that she just couldn’t stop them from coming into the bathroom. Well you know what? She does have a choice. It’s called a DOOR LOCK. It’s fine to use it for 60 seconds while you do your duty. Aside from what many might think, surprise - your kid is not going to die! In fact, I’d bet money that it’s good for him to know that he can be separated from mom for a little bit and he’ll still be just fine.
I heard a great quote the other day:
“There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a thousand ways to be a good one.”
And yeah - The Supernanny shows ROCKS. I have learned SO much from her. I think everybody should be given those DVDs for their baby shower, hehe.
Comment by granolagirl — May 15, 2009 @ 11:56 pm
A few days between baths isn’t bad. In the winter, my kids get a bath on saturday or sunday morning. In the summer it’s more often because they get so dirty. I just don’t think kids need to be bathed every day (unless they’ve gotten into something messy, or the baby has an extra messy diaper).
My 7-year-old has been in soccer and comes home stinking, so he’s had showers more often lately.
I think it’s important to have boundaries with kids too, good mothers don’t have to be martyrs. My boundaries are different with each of my kids. If my older ones interrupt my computer time for something they can do themselves, I get irritated, but if my 2-year-old brings me a book, I stop and read it to him. Different kids need different things and different points in their lives, they don’t need everything all the time.
Comment by Alliegator — May 16, 2009 @ 12:47 am
I totally agree that mothers need time to themselves, and that kids do best when they’re taught boundaries.
I want to inject a thought into the discussion that might be helpful to some families. Consider the possibility that a misbehaving child might have medical issues that contribute to their fears or misbehavior.
My son has postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS), which means that every time he sits up or stands he isn’t getting enough blood to his brain. The hallmark sign of that is cold hands and feet. His hands and feet are almost always freezing cold. Anyway, when the brain doesn’t get enough blood, adrenaline pours into his bloodstream, his heart races, and he feels panic, anxiety, and fear. His body learns from this instinctively to fear whatever happens to be around him. So POTS patients often begin to collect multiple phobias.
So the point of this is not that your children might have POTS, it’s that when kids have behaviors that need to change, and that resist changing with firm loving efforts, always consider if the behavior could be medically generated in some way. Mainly this helps to prevent parental anger. It’s hard sometimes not to get angry at my son, because his problems can demand more than I have to give. Remembering that he’s having even more trouble coping than me, and that he didn’t ask to be given these problems, helps me to be more gentle in my firmness, and not to respond to him with anger.
We’re all trapped in a world we never made. It’s important to set limits. But it’s no much happier a world when we aren’t angry at those we love the most.
Comment by Tatiana — May 16, 2009 @ 4:28 pm
I had two thoughts…
I have been going to the doctor about twice a week since January due to pain and other stuff. Final diagnosis is an auto immune disorder that my doctor tells me I wouldn’t have gotten if I had more help with my cute special needs son and if I had taken the time to take care of me more over the last seven years. I am 34 and it is a little scary. Taking even five minutes to yourself might literally save you from some serious pain and other problems. In the end that really isn’t selfish. After all if I die, my son will be raised by his non-member father with absolutely no help from anyone in the church. If I ask for any help now, I am either ignored or told to place my son in a residential program. I have even had my bishop ask me to leave my son at home instead of bringing him to church if I am unable to cover all three church hours without needing a little help with him. Repeat after me… It is not selfish
Also, if your husband works just as hard as you and wants to rest in the evening… Why can’t you have rest time too when you are awake enough to enjoy it?
Comment by Sonia — May 16, 2009 @ 8:06 pm
Ladies:
Motherhood is like medical school. Any requests for vacation or time off are always DENIED. This is the nature of the beast.
Comment by Dara — May 17, 2009 @ 4:07 pm
just had to chime in that my then 4-year-old also blamed the pine knots on his bed. He said they scared him. I drew pictures on post-it notes and put them over the largest knots, but it didn’t help much.
Comment by swan — May 17, 2009 @ 10:15 pm
When I had children fearful of monsters in their rooms at night, we made “monster spray”. One spritz of the can and monsters be gone!
It was vanilla scented glade spray with a new computerized label.
Comment by shakti — May 17, 2009 @ 11:25 pm
Referring to the OP- there’s nothing selfish to be found there. Children (and husbands) have no idea how to respect their mothers/wives, unless we individually define it and set healthy boundaries to preserve our own mental health. We do have to take responsibility for that on a daily basis and not wait for anyone else to step in to promote and address our own needs.
Children who grow up in the household of the the selfless-doormat mother, turn into adults who don’t think highly of women because they haven’t been taught to do so- by all of her actions, the totally selfless mother actually does lose herself and that robs the family of her wealth of personhood. Sons of women who don’t teach them to be thoughtful and kind first and foremost to the women who gave them life, wind up being husbands who expect to marry a wife-martyr (unless the wife can retrain him into someone who sees her as a person with her own goals and needs)…and then the new wife will probably hear countless stories about his selfless mother, who never expected anything. Female children of the selfless mother will naturally dread turning into her, due to a sense of self-preservation (and probably will be subconsciously aware of mom’s unhappiness)- she may avoid marriage altogether or eventually surrender and perpetuate the female misery in the only way she’s been taught. Some will determine to do the exact opposite of thier mothers, and wind up being completely selfish because they won’t take on any aspects of good mothering. Some lucky women will strike a balance through trial and error- but it would be easier for them if they just learn by the example of strong female leadership in the first place.
Yes, motherhood is a huge aspect of service but not servitude. Only the first two dependent years of life should revolve around a child (excepting special needs kids- then it’s even more vital for mom to schedule time for herself). After that, the child needs to be trained to fit into the larger family life…not the other way around. That’s how it will be later in a grown child’s life and it’s not a good thing for him/her to spend the entire childhood time thinking that the world revolves around him/her- because it won’t.
The most important and first lesson is that mother is her own person- vitally interested and involved in this little life she’s brought forth, deeply affected but not determined by it. That concept keeps both mother and child healthy. It’s vitally important that a child sees that mother is only one role of this complex woman who rules his universe…it should be clear that she is also a friend, sister, wife, career person (if it applies), hobbyist…and all these roles should be given prominence and respect. That includes privacy or alone-time, which should never be invaded unless there is a true emergency…or the child is still learning to understand that concept.
Comment by Kimberly — May 18, 2009 @ 8:32 am
[…] “I used to think I was a selfless person, a generous person, but motherhood has made me realize th… […]
Pingback by Notes From All Over - thru May 17 | Times & Seasons, An Onymous Mormon Blog — May 18, 2009 @ 11:38 am
my concern is that your husband judged you as selfish and you believed him.
now besides the yelling part, which we can over look since you are human, I don’t think you’ve been selfish. you are preserving your self. that’s essential to be a sane mom.
they just never mention that in church somehow.
Comment by venus — May 18, 2009 @ 1:07 pm
No you are NOT being selfish. I hate how the breed ‘em young culture mentality tells women to just give and give of themselves without taking some time out for themselves. When you have the likes of Julie Beck spouting her infamous “LDS women SHOULD be the best homemakers in the world” nonsense, I get so exasperated. How about trading places with your husband for 24 hours and letting him be Mr. Mom so he’ll understand your point of view?
Comment by belledame2 — May 18, 2009 @ 4:36 pm
I think some of you are missing the point– which is not to vilify my dh (and we have one of those feisty marriages where we speak our minds, and sometimes eat our words later).
I also think that I was thinking of selfish in a different way than most of you are– not that it’s bad to be selfish, but that I’m more self-focused than I realized I was before. I thought my capacity to give of myself was limitless before I became a mom, but it isn’t.
As for my DH, he gives me time for myself. Just a few weeks ago, he kept the kids for four days when I went to Boston to run the marathon. And yeah, training for that marathon, and the three or four others I run each year, also requires a lot of time commitment from him.
Sometimes my DH doesn’t choose the best words, but apparently, according to many of the commenters, neither do I.
Comment by Shelah — May 18, 2009 @ 4:58 pm
LDS women SHOULD be the best homemakers in the world” nonsense
Um… not nonsense. We should be. (I would include men in there, too, though, and not make the statement exclusively about women.)
Selfishness is REQUIRED to be even a good homemaker… much less rising to the level of “Best in the world.”
Comment by sare — May 18, 2009 @ 7:34 pm
Sare, I think it depends on the definition of “homemaker”.
To me one of the beautiful things about being a “homemaker” is that it can mean whatever you want it to mean. For some women it might mean keeping an immaculately clean home. For others it might mean making gourmet meals. For others it could be gardening, or decorating, or nourishing others, or any number of things. I think if we take a broad view of “homemaking” and use it as an umbrella to capitalise upon our talents, rather than taking a narrow, confined view of it, sure, we could all be wonderful “homemakers.” But in doing so we should recognise that my home will still look different to yours and will still look different to Shelah’s, because we all have our own talents and gifts and we will all build on those to define “homemaker” for ourselves.
Comment by Quimby — May 18, 2009 @ 7:38 pm
I think homemaking is about making a home. I attended a talk at Women’s Conference related to homemaking, and she said that it is about the relationships of the people in the home - cultivating an environment where those relationships can thrive.
Comment by Stephanie — May 18, 2009 @ 8:14 pm
.
And the truly beautiful thing about that is that we are all different, so we can all cultivate relationships in different ways - and indeed we can cultivate relationships in different ways at different times of our lives.
I think sometimes we get so caught up in homemaking meaning cleaning, and it really goes so much deeper than that. Certainly it can include cleaning - I have very fond memories of conversations with my mother while we cleaned the kitchen together, for instance. But it was the conversation, the time spent together, that was really the meat of homemaking; the cleaning was just superfluous. (Necessary, but superfluous.)
Comment by Quimby — May 18, 2009 @ 8:25 pm
#92 I like that definition.
Comment by Kimberly — May 18, 2009 @ 8:29 pm
Amen to that. When I was going through my heartache of “becoming” the stay at home mom, responsible for most of the upkeep, meal plan, kid schedule etc etc, I think most of my heartache was about not being able to keep the house immaculate. After a talk with my mom I felt much better. She said, “Some people can keep a house immaculate and have happy kids. I can’t. I’m not a talented cleaner… and if it comes down to a choice, I will take time to play on the floor with my kids if I have to choose between the two” or something like that. Paraphrasing.
Anyway, I’m a woman who keeps her house free of bugs and vermin and infectious diseases and bacteria, and who usually has the laundry down to only a moderate-sized pile, and who usually only has a half-sink full of dirty dishes, and takes time to write and practice music and homeschool and play on the floor with my kids.
And I’m my own version (or becoming my own version) of BEST homemaker.
Comment by sare — May 19, 2009 @ 8:03 pm
My first post was taken off. It is very important to take time out for yourself. I also don’t stress myself over such comments as “LDS women should be the best homemakers ever.” We are human. Do the best you can.
Comment by belledame2 — May 19, 2009 @ 8:26 pm
Sare- I feel guilty for exactly the opposite. There are times when I’d rather be cleaning the house, getting caught up in the minutae of scrubbing shower tiles, so I don’t have to get on the floor and play with my kids. If I make myself busy enough with other stuff, then I don’t need to feel guilty for not turning my four-year-old into a super reader or for not persevering with potty training my toddler. It’s like I know what’s better and what’s best, but I get caught up in the good because it’s the easiest.
Comment by Shelah — May 19, 2009 @ 8:33 pm
well…
here’s the deal. I don’t think it means I’m better, I’m just different. I work differently. I bet your kids know you love you, and are happy and intelligent. I had a heckuva lot more stress having to deal with the school system than I do just doing it from home.
So in that sense, I think Quimby is right. We all become who we are supposed to be. I am an honest believer in divide providence when it comes to families; we are each given the children who will benefit the most from our parenting (and vice versa.)
I don’t think (correct me if I”m wrong) that by “homemaker” Julie B Beck was meaning for her audience to picture themselves on their knees scrubbing floors all day, or for us to picture ourselves being teased and besought into insanity because morally we need to follow our kids around and make them the center of our universe either.
Like I said, I think a mother has to be “selfish” (in the way you meant by this post) to be the best “homemaker” she can be. I write and practice music. You run. Others do other things… maybe for some, housekeeping is actually their hobby. And on top of all this, we all need our alone time. I completely sympathise with how you stated it in the original post, “don’t you see you’re ruining my evening?” I know that sentiment intimiately, and I don’t think it’s something to squelch,I think it’s a real need and we need to defend it “visciously” as another put it.
Comment by sare — May 19, 2009 @ 8:45 pm
Our middle son went through sleep deprivation around the age of 3 to 5.
Comment by Mike H. — June 17, 2009 @ 11:20 pm
[…] Shelah, commenting on her own post “Selfish Mama” at fMh: when my current 4yo was a baby, I went through a period where I wrote a bunch of very serious, very bad poetry. The only poem I wrote during that whole period of time that I think has timeless appeal was one that came to me (you guessed it) in the bathroom. It’s much lighter and shorter than the rest, so I’ll share it with you: […]
Pingback by Zelophehad’s Daughters | Nacle Notebook 2009: Funny comments — June 20, 2010 @ 10:50 pm