Book Review: TYMSIWB
I was happy to find Kathryn Lynard Soper’s book, “The Year My Son and I Were Born” (”TYMSIWB”) in my library last week. Kathryn wrote this book about her newborn son Thomas’s first year, and how she and her family adjusted to Thomas’s needs as a baby with Down Syndrome. I had read bits and pieces of the book excerpted in blog posts here and there, and I finally read the entire book last Friday night. I wasn’t disappointed.
First, I enjoyed Kathy’s writing style. She writes the book as if she is telling you her story over dinner in a cozy restaurant - just the two of you. It’s rare that I find myself so drawn in by the characters and eagerly anticipating more of their story. Of course, it could be that I know Kathy from the bloggernacle (and Facebook!), and also that I have a son two years younger than Thomas. Along these lines, I wonder if I would have been as enthralled with Kathy’s book if I weren’t a mother myself. I read a similar book a few years ago - Martha Beck’s memoir about her experiences expecting a child who has Down Syndrome, and Beck’s book wasn’t nearly as compelling or interesting as TYMSIWB. Beck’s memoir focuses on her anticipation of becoming a mother of a child with special needs - she knew her son Adam would likely be born with Down Syndrome - whereas Kathy learned of Thomas’s diagnosis only after his birth.
Regardless, Kathy writes her book brightly and powerfully - as though she is talking directly to you. It’s a wonderful reading experience.
Second, I enjoyed this book because it’s honest. Kathy volunteers that she harbored prejudices of people with disabilities, and she writes honestly about how these prejudices have haunted her and her relationship with Thomas.
This is an exchange between Kathy and her friend, Jen, whose child Jake also has a disability:
Jen’s eyes were red. Yes, she knew. She’d known for seven years. And all that time, I’d been glad Jake was her kid and not mine. With his supersize build and his dazed eyes, he stuck out in their family photographs - and not in a good way. Secretly, I’d thought he messed up what could have been an ideal family. I hadn’t understood how much Jen loved him. I hadn’t understood anything.
Tears came to my eyes as I read this paragraph, because I sometimes think similar thoughts about disabled people. That people with disabilities can be awkward and embarrassing. When I was about 10 months pregnant with my own son, Kathy wrote a series of guest posts at Times and Seasons about Thomas. I remember consciously refusing to read Kathy’s posts because I did not want to be reminded of the possibility that my son could also be born with this disability. My pregnancy was normal, with no indication the child I was carrying had Down Syndrome, but the statistics show that absent amnio, the possibility is never completely ruled out.
It’s difficult to convey the terror (terror? I don’t know if that’s the right word), I felt at the possibility that I would soon be in Kathy’s shoes.
So I ignored her posts and pushed these thoughts out of my mind. But as parents we are never sheltered from this possibility - children frequently become disabled through accidents or disease - and Kathy’s book helped me understand that parents with disabled children walk through fire every day to keep their children alive and healthy. Shouldn’t this knowledge alone teach us to be more loving and compassionate towards people with disabilities?
[As an aside, I have no comment about Sarah Palin’s political agenda, but Sarah Palin is walking this walk every day with her son, Trig. That (at least) gets some respect from me.]
There’s a lot more I could say about Kathy’s book, but I hope you will read it for yourself. Happy Holidays!
I’ve wanted to read this book ever since I read another good review on BCC. Thanks for the reminder!
Comment by Stephanie — December 15, 2009 @ 4:35 pm
Thanks for telling us about Kathy’s book. I’ve ordered it and am looking forward to reading it.
Comment by Carol — December 15, 2009 @ 5:45 pm
The book *is* excellent. I think its themes are applicable to all sorts of readers, too–not just parents of children with disabilities. The book touches on issues ranging from the evolution of personal identity, to dealing with mental illness, to the renewal of faith. I also think it’s fabulous that Kathy was able to include so much of her Mormon faith (and Mormon struggles) in a book for a mainstream audience. It’s a fantastic read and would make a great Christmas gift.
Comment by Angela H — December 15, 2009 @ 6:16 pm
Thanks for the review. I can’t wait to read it. We have a wonderful four year old cousin, who also has Down Syndrome. His parents found out midway through the pregnancy; they’ve spoken candidly to us, before, about how many of their friends and acquaintances urged them to have an abortion–and how hard their advice was to hear. The decision to have, and raise, a child with special needs is not easy, and I admire them tremendously for their strength.
It’s hard to imagine–it was for me–until you’re in a situation where you know someone well who has special needs, what your relationship is going to be like. It’s hard not to wonder, “am I a bad person for having these issues, or feelings?” We’ve all had our moments as a family, but we’re glad to be the family we are.
Comment by CJ — December 15, 2009 @ 7:07 pm
I appreciate the review, ECS. Kathy is terrific: a wonderful writer, tremendously engaging personality, and funny as can be. (I first wrote “funny as all hell” but decided I had better edit myself.) I have a schoolboy crush on her.
Comment by Kevin Barney — December 15, 2009 @ 8:35 pm
I love how you describe Kathy’s writing style “She writes the book as if she is telling you her story over dinner in a cozy restaurant - just the two of you.” So true.
Comment by Johnna — December 16, 2009 @ 2:59 am
Thanks for this, ECS, and all those who commented!
Comment by Kathryn Soper — December 16, 2009 @ 7:26 pm
I have a 21 month old with Diwn Syndrome. The first book I was given after the diagnosis was Kathys book “gifts”. I also gobbled up this one. She articulates many of the things I felt. I mostly identified with the shift of focus. The mantle of a patent of a special need child still feels uncomfortable at times, but it is also what is normal now. The challenges are there as with all kyds but the blessings are abundant. My daughter is an absolute joy to parent ( she is also my fourth child so I have had some other experience). I needed to hear about/ from other parents who
were past the trauma and on to the normal stage.
This book is a gift. Not just for content but for style. Anyone can read this book and enjoy it.
Comment by Rebecca — December 16, 2009 @ 10:50 pm
I have too much to say about the book to write a coherent comment but well done, ECS!
IT is funny that you and I had the same response- I think our boys are about the same age. I actually didn’t know that the author was Mo and didn’t connect her at all with KLS over at BCC. I just happened to click on her link after agreeing that I,like many people, can turn away from things I find too difficult to face, even to the detriment of others. Then I clicked on her link and discovered a perfect case in point - I picked up her book at least a dozen times; I contemplated buying it- it looked well written and engaging. But I didn’t want my baby to catch Down’s Syndrome.
So much for rational thinking.
It very much is about how having a child with a disability changes you but it is also just as much about how to be changed, what the process of growth looks like from the inside out - so in that sense, even if you had no interest in Down’s per se, I would still recommend the book.
And then we can all talk about it-yay!
Comment by crazywomancreek — December 17, 2009 @ 12:16 pm
I also loved the book; the writing style was great and it really did force me to confront many of my own, unadmitted, prejudices about others. Even more so the main thing that resonated with me was her honesty about struggling with depression and adjusting to stress in her life. I’m still trying to overcome a lot of depression and anxiety from a series of life events during the last few years, including a traumatic birth, and the book felt very comfortable to me in that sense.
Comment by FoxyJ — December 19, 2009 @ 12:09 am
I found reading this book a lot like walking into a room of women I had known for years. Grief can surprise us and hard times can rock us to the core. We are often expected to deal and feel one way when we don’t. We never react as we thought we would.
I had a similar experience to the paragraph you quote from the book. Recently a friend confided that when I moved into the neighborhood the sight of my children caused her anxiety, they move fast and are in constant motion. My only response was “I knew”, what I didn’t say is it is impossible to not notice the way people look at you. I wish I didn’t know the pain of having a child with disabilities, but I would never trade my disabled child for the life I thought I would have.
Today the CDC released a report stating 1 in 110 people are autistic, up from the previous stat of 1 in 130. Autistic babies are born to unsuspecting parents, often months, years and miles of frustration pass before a child is correctly diagnosed. I wish people could “get” what it was to live with “this”. I wish people could understand so many things that words can not explain.
Comment by kandi and salt — December 19, 2009 @ 6:06 pm
I wish people could understand so many things that words can not explain.
Beautifully said.
Thank you for these comments, all. I’m so grateful for readers like you.
Comment by Kathryn Soper — December 21, 2009 @ 7:59 pm