Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend?
The other day, my wife and I heard a commercial on the radio which really caught our attention. Two parents were explaining to the meaning of Christmas to their child. They explained that Christmas was a time to focus on and build relationships. And the wife noted that because relationships are so important, “someone” should take the time to get a quality diamond jewelry set to reflect the depth of his feelings about their relationship.
My wife (whom I shall henceforth call “Luv” on FMH) and I glanced at each other in bemusement at this particularly clumsy ad. But really, we weren’t terribly surprised. “Every Kiss Begins with Kay,” or so we’ve been told for years. Jewelry is routinely marketed as the definitive expression of love.
I consider myself fortunate that Luv generally isn’t interested in jewelry. I don’t recall her ever asking for any. I’ve bought some on only three occasions. Because she adores tigers, I purchased her a cute set of tiger earrings for Christmas when we were dating (and because I have a bad sense of humor, I presented them in a small, velvet box, nearly giving both her and her parents heart attacks…). I bought her a ring when we got engaged. And after she developed a fascination with Ireland and Celtic music, I purchased her a Celtic knotwork necklace pendent and earrings for Christmas. She was pleased each time, despite the fact that aside from the wedding ring, none are particularly valuable. Even the ring was rather modest, and since we’ve become more aware of the troubles with conflict diamonds, Luv has mused that were we to do it over again, she’d probably pass on any stones. I have a hard time imagining her becoming more thrilled than when I made her a knitting kit, or when I presented her with a book on the green housing, a particular interest of hers. Then again, she’s never gazed soulfully in my eyes and kissed me slowly like the women on the Kay commercials…
(I’m pretty sure she’d swoon if I finished the painting to hang over the piano, but that isn’t going to happen this year. Sigh…)
To enjoy wearing pretty things seems one thing; to consider jewelry a testimonial of the love within a relationship seems something else entirely. But the notion seems deeply seated in our culture, and may have a long history. Is there something more to this tradition than we (Luv and I) comprehend? Are we missing out on something magical? Are diamonds a girl’s best friend? Do you melt at gifts of gold, pearls, and gems? If not then on Christmas morning, what sorts of presents most say “I care about you“?
If my bloke gave me diamonds I’d have a heart attack… from disgust. Diamonds are garish, contrived and conventional… bleugh!
My most treasured gift from him has been a book he sent through the mail addressed to me (we live together!) about an artist I had become obsessed with and in the book a personalised invitation to spend a couple of days in the city to visit a gallery to go see her work. No birthday, no anniversary, no Christmas expectations… just out of the blue cos he knew I’d love it. And I did. He’s bloody marvelous.
Comment by barmy stoat — December 23, 2009 @ 10:28 pm
Meh. I’ve never really understood the appeal of jewelry. And those ads drive me crazy. I really hate the one (I think it’s Kay, but I could be wrong) where the couple are at a cabin looking through the window during a storm. The guy says something like, “that’s a pretty crazy storm” and then there’s a big clap of thunder and the woman gasps and turns away, jumping into his arms. He laughs and says, “don’t worry, I’ll always be there to protect you from the storms” and pulls out a jewelry box. She jumps up and down with glee. End scene. Do I even need to go into why this is annoying?
The only jewelry that to me is a must is wedding jewelry. I expect an engagement ring one of these days. But a small one—no flashy bling for me. I can’t really articulate why this is important to me; partly because I’m not sure I understand why and mostly because I’m really tired from all the holiday prep. Maybe I’m just a sucker for tradition.
On another note, the gifts that I appreciate most are gifts of time. My college friends and I stopped getting gifts for each other when we graduated. Instead, we just have a reunion every year during Christmas break (some of my friends are still in school, plugging away on doctorates). Going out to dinner and catching up with my best friends ever is way more valuable to me than anything they could buy. And it saves us all a lot of time and stress not having to shop and what not. Someone I love saying “I want to spend time with you” means so much more than “I want to give you something.”
Comment by Phoenix — December 23, 2009 @ 10:32 pm
I don’t like diamonds. Or gold, pearls, or other gems. J. gave me an engagement ring almost by default. ‘Cause that’s just what you do. He chose a sapphire instead of a diamond because I always thought diamonds were boring. That was thoughtful. It’s a beautiful ring, but I stopped wearing it a few months into our marriage, and J. recently stopped wearing his as well. I think rings are ultimately a symbol of ownership. Our relationship reached a point where rings seemed superfluous. Neither of us really like jewelry. Neither of us feel that we need the “reminder” that we’re married to keep us faithful or to warn off other people. And after I learned about mining issues in Africa and elsewhere, I felt guilty to have the ring at all. I’m not really into adornment or impressed by pretty stones, so the question of expensive jewelry as a gift just doesn’t apply.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with liking jewelry, giving jewelry as a gift - though I do hope people will consider the environmental and social issues surrounding the precious stone trade. I’ll admit that the emphasis on expensive, flashy things seems somewhat superficial. But overall, it’s just not for me.
Comment by Chandelle — December 23, 2009 @ 10:34 pm
#1—I was about to brag about having the first comment, but it looks like barmy beat me to it. Darn.
The book sounds like a crazy awesome gift. Sending through the mail was a nice touch, IMHO. Props to your boyfriend for coming up with that gift idea, and even more props for him giving said gift “just because,” no holidays or occasions attached. =)
Comment by Phoenix — December 23, 2009 @ 10:35 pm
Oh, gifts that say I care…homemade all the way! And really, just anything that says I really know you. That’s the key, I think.
Comment by Chandelle — December 23, 2009 @ 10:40 pm
Ooo, I hate Kay commercials. I think the worst is the one where they are in Rome (?) and the dude shouts I love you to the birds in the plaza and they all go flying and the lady freaks out and is embarrassed. Then, he gives her some form of diamond jewelry and she gets all weepy and says, I love you back.
Everytime I see it I get mad. This poor guy loves her so much he’s shouting it, and she gets mad. He gives her jewelry and she reciprocates.
As for the jewelry question, I love shiny pretty things but I don’t wear jewelry much. I don’t think gifts are my love language, though. I’m not entirely sure, not having had the experience, but I don’t think I’d even mind not getting a wedding ring… I’d rather spend the money on something fun!
Comment by Enna — December 23, 2009 @ 10:41 pm
I had long told DH when we were dating that I did not need a nice ring, that I didn’t want him to wait til he could afford something dazzling to propose to me, and that a toy ring would do until we could get something a tad nicer.
So imagine my surprise during his proposal when I open the box and see something silver and glittery in there! Very simple ring, with some very small stones, but beautiful, and exactly to my taste.
And imagine my surprise again when, 6 months later, I’m walking through a Target store helping a friend with some Christmas shopping and see something in the jewelry display that looks familiar….. and then realize it’s my ring. And that it costs $68. It made me ever more fond of it.
I’m crazy about my cubic zirconiums.
Comment by Natalie K. — December 23, 2009 @ 10:44 pm
[edited]
Comment by mfranti — December 23, 2009 @ 10:48 pm
As far as jewelry in general, I am not crazy about it for it’s aesthetic appeal, but I do think it can be great for carrying stories or portraying symbolism.
For example, one of my very few necklaces is a small, silver lotus flower on a beautiful shimmering silver chain. When I got married, a very close friend was living in Egypt for a few months and couldn’t make it to the wedding. So she sent me this lotus flower, which is the ancient Egyptian symbol of prosperity, success, longevity, and (eek!) fertility. I wore it in my hair on my wedding day, and wear it often now, because I love what it represents: the love of my friend, and the blessings she wishes to bestow on me.
I will very, very rarely put on some kind of jewelry for fun if I’m wearing something nice or different to go out. But it is definitely considered a non-essential item for me, and never at the top of my Christmas list.
Comment by Natalie K. — December 23, 2009 @ 10:50 pm
Mel, you are not shallow. I failed to mention this before, because it plays just so well into the dumb blonde stereotypes, but I LOVE how sparkly my little wedding ring is. Whenever I am at a mall (maybe 2-3 times a year?), I drop off my ring at the jewelry store to be cleaned, ignore the look of disdain they give me when they see its size, and then ooh and aah at the various ways the ceiling light bounces off of it. I like shiny things.
I have a good friend who collects funky, fun jewelry and wears it SO WELL with all sorts of outfits. It’s a beautiful, unique way for her to express herself. It’s no more irresponsible than buying decorations for a home, or wearing clothes you really like.
In general, I should probably put a little more thought into my experience (which on non-work days, never consists of more than a t-shirt and grungy ponytail).
So in some ways, I admire women who have an eye for accessorizing. It’s just not something I’m good at.
Comment by Natalie K. — December 23, 2009 @ 10:55 pm
oh joy a post and comments to make me feel guilty for the diamond ring and pearls i received as gifts and absolutely cherish because they came from my husband.
Why would you feel guilty? Why would you be affected at all by others’ feelings about jewelry if you like what you have and feel pleased to receive it? That I don’t particularly like jewelry isn’t a value judgment on how you feel about gifts from N.
Comment by Chandelle — December 23, 2009 @ 10:55 pm
I like shiny things, but I think it’s silly to spend lots of money on shiny things. If I had a whole lot of money to spend, I probably would buy some shiny things. But I don’t, so I don’t.
And no, it has nothing to do with how much you love each other. Now a will naming me the sole beneficiary? That’s love.
Comment by Ann — December 23, 2009 @ 11:15 pm
I’m with ya mfranti. I have a very nice diamond ring that I love. It makes me feel pretty. Although I did feel a little guilty after watching Blood Diamond, I realized I can’t feel guilty for the rest of my life so I stopped thinking about that.
Comment by shannon j — December 23, 2009 @ 11:16 pm
I like sparkly stuff. Mine are fake, mostly because every time I think about spending what it would cost to buy real ones big enough to satisfy my liking, I think “well, that would be some nice couches, or half a car, or a year of college tuition,” and I’d always rather have those things instead.
When I was in college, I remember spending lots and lots of time in seminar classes looking at my fellow coeds’ ring fingers. It was also a popular pastime during sacrament meeting in my Wymount Terrace ward. I’ll admit to being totally shallow and selfish and whatever other kind of adjective you want to call me when I felt sheepish that my own piece of sparkle was decidedly below average. I shouldn’t have expected more of a guy who had been home from his mission for two months and had never held a job when we got engaged, but I still wished I had more. Remember those girls in Johnny Lingo comparing how many cows they were worth? I think that’s a bit how engagement rings can function at BYU.
Comment by Shelah — December 23, 2009 @ 11:16 pm
I like jewelery- from stores like TJ Maxx and The Burlington Coat factory on the $4 and under rack. I can’t tell the difference between fake diamonds and real diamonds most of the time, and I would rather have jewelery that my two-year-old can break and I won’t be too upset about. I might have a different opinion about jewelry if we weren’t constantly on the verge of being totally broke. But even if we had more cash flow, I think I’d prefer a date to a musical or a nice dinner out over a pair of earrings.
My husband took out a student loan to buy my enagement ring.
It’s a modest ring with a small diamond, but I still wish he had just gotten me something cheap and simple rather than feeling the need to have more debt. It’s just jewelery, but I do love what it symbolizes.
The best gift I have ever recieved? My husband made me a pop-up book about how we fell in love. It was funny, romantic, and he admitted that it took him about 30 hours to make (it’s very intricate). It’s a gift unlike anything else I have ever recieved. It’s so personal and socreative and just knowing the time he spent making it makes me feel so special.
Comment by RJ — December 23, 2009 @ 11:28 pm
Oh, I love jewelry. Sapphires, diamonds, and rubies, oh my! However — they are not the be-all, end-all of Christmas gifts. I would certainly treasure fine jewelry - but I hope it would be given me because I like it, not because that’s the easy, fall back gift to get. Whatever happened to “it’s the thought that counts?”
My sweetie is a biker, and I’m looking for a pair of matching black leather motorcycle jackets for us (he’s not in town for the holiday).
I’ve received gifts that meant so much more to me than jewelry ever could. And the jewelery I’ve received I’ve treasured because it was meaningful - a “baby pendant” necklace from my oldest daughter, for example. She put a lot of thought into that. It means more to me than any other piece of jewelry I’ve ever owned - because it came from her, and it symbolizes something precious.
On the whole, though I like jewels, I can think of other things I’d rather give or receive as gifts, and other things that say “I love you” more than diamonds.
Comment by Donna — December 23, 2009 @ 11:29 pm
Jewelry leaves me cold. I’ve never understood why we put so much value in diamonds - other than that marketers tell us we should. It’s a rock, that’s it. My wedding ring had a small diamond (because that’s all my husband could afford at the time), and I lost it a few years ago and replaced it with an obviously fake cz that cost four dollars. I can’t help but snicker internally everytime someone compliments me on my diamond. I could not care less that it’s fake.
I just don’t really get jewelry - especially earrings.
Comment by Sue — December 23, 2009 @ 11:39 pm
I heard that same diamond commercial, too! I was stunned at how horrible it was. Geck!!!
As for jewelry, I have some lovely old antiques that I sometimes wear. But mostly my jewelry is either simple and inexpensive (I have some nice Celtic stuff I like of which not a single piece is worth more than $15.00) or else very much costume jewelry and just for fun. I like to wear different things to match different moods.
As I am both plump and over 40, no man has even asked me out on a date in several years, let alone wanted to buy me diamonds, so this is something I don’t think about much. I suppose that if some man wanted to buy me expensive rocks, I’d assume he was just trying to show off.
My own wedding and engagement rings (from the ex, who left me to find someone younger and skinnier nearly a decade ago), have been recycled into a couple of nice necklaces for my mother (the diamond in one and the gold melted down into another).
Comment by A Paperback Writer — December 23, 2009 @ 11:43 pm
I am not a jewelry person. I don’t wear a wedding ring because I despise the idea that I need something material to represent our love and marriage. I remember in college my roommates stating that they wouldn’t get married for less than a caret, I just don’t understand that kind of thinking. I personally would rather have furniture than a rock on my finger. I am a bit of a girly girl and like to dress nice but jewelry has never been my thing, not to mention the whole diamond thing, my husband used to live in Africa, I won’t own a diamond.
Comment by Flo — December 23, 2009 @ 11:48 pm
I am not obsessed or crazy about diamonds at all. All of my jewelry is “fun” and cheap - never more than $10-15. Except my wedding ring. It is the only piece of real jewlery that I own and we did spend a lot of money on it. I think I felt fine with it because of the fact that I wear it every single day, because of the intense, deep meaning and commitment behind it (there is a long and very personal story for my husband and I about the wedding ring) and because we could afford to pay cash for it (not always the case - I have spent 95% of my life being poor as a church mouse; things didn’t come together for me financially until about 3 years ago).
But, it honestly was not about being materialistic for me. I have never spent more than $25 on a purse and I always buy Hondas. The ring was just something I viewed as extraordinary for an extraordinary man, an extraordinary relationship and an extraordinary committment. It was like my guilty pleasure or something akin to that. But I do really enjoy it and realize the need for balance as well.
Comment by Lawyer Lady — December 24, 2009 @ 12:00 am
Oh man, I want to read #8.
Comment by wistfulblue — December 24, 2009 @ 12:03 am
I can thank another woman for my wedding ring. Dh and I had decided to just have matching bands when a female friend of his told him that I deserved a nice one. As I look at it right now I still love it as much as the day he surprised me with it. It is unique and beautiful.
I’m not a jewelry person either. Wedding ring on left hand, mother’s ring on right. Two earrings in each ear (wicked, I know) that are always the same. Never got into costume jewelry.
Oh yeah, I do have a valuable string of pearls locked in a safe. They are from my first marriage and the ex forgot to take them when he took everything else. I’m sure he’s pissed because he missed them! They never get worn.
Comment by numi — December 24, 2009 @ 12:36 am
Our first big upsetting loud-voice fight was over the fact that he wanted me to have a diamond and I didn’t want one. is that a bad omen, oh well, bad omens are canceled out after sixteen years, right? It seemed like a diamond would get in the way and catch on things and I’d have to worry about it. So we ended up getting a little bezel set diamond and he designed the ring, so it was all good. Still I hardly ever wear it.
I have begun liking to accessorize more lately, oooo pretty, but since I’ve never been in the habit I mostly forget. Actually I’m usually best accessorized when I’m around Mel cause she’s really good at that sort of thing.
Comment by fMhLisa — December 24, 2009 @ 12:56 am
Great. My first official post, and I go and hurt my first FMH friend.
I’m sorry if I gave the impression that I think people who like expensive jewelry are shallow. I was primarily trying to be critical of the jewelry industry’s manipulative marketing. And I was hoping to get some insights into why some women do like gifts of expensive jewelry (not necessarily whether they like to buy jewelry, but to receive it), because the woman to whom I’m connected can’t really help me there. So please, if receiving jewelry as a gift is particularly touching to you, please share why. I’m curious.
re: 14
interesting comparison to the Johnny Lingo thing. And that is an aspect of jewelry which does bother me and does seem superficial; situations in which there is comparing and implying that the size of the diamond or cost of the jewelry does quantify love.
re: 15
Wow, that’s a great gift!
Comment by Derek — December 24, 2009 @ 1:06 am
Derek,
You are polite, real, simple, yet profound, funny and insightful. There is a reason you are the first male perma. We appreciate you.
However, there is no good reason I am wake at this hour. I should be in bed.
Comment by Lawyer Lady — December 24, 2009 @ 1:12 am
I loooove jewelry and I used to love sparkly diamonds, but then I watched Blood Diamond and I can never look at them the same again. I love unique stuff and my husband has found a few pieces on deployments that are beautiful. I think he was kind of relieved when I banned diamonds forever because he wanted to update my engagement ring with a bigger nicer one, but it would have been very expensive. So hey, a $4 movie rental saved thousands of dollars. Who knew?
Comment by jen — December 24, 2009 @ 1:13 am
re: 9
Oh, that is a good example of how or why jewelry can be meaningful (the longevity issue is a good one M raised as well).
Comment by Derek — December 24, 2009 @ 1:14 am
sorry… but my favorite color is shiny. I’m like a bird, if it sparkles I want it.
Comment by fMhlisa — December 24, 2009 @ 1:15 am
I think it’s just a matter of personal preference. I like to think that I’m pretty frugal and a good steward of my resources, but I covet fast, shiny cars. Luckily I can’t afford those, but unfortunately I compensate by putting shiny rims on my much less-expenseive car. I’m kind of embarrassed about it, when I think about how many people can eat for what I spent on them, but it’s something that makes me happy. Other people spend money on a large home, or nice clothes, or fancy electronics.
I think jewelry is just something that makes some women happy. The “diamonds are forever” and “every kiss begins with kay” is just savvy marketing that makes us think that all women love/expect these things.
Comment by Enna — December 24, 2009 @ 1:19 am
Oh man! This topic perfect–I immediately thought of the “Target Women” series of youtube videos that criticize the advertising industry’s manipulation of gender roles.
There is one that is specifically about Jewelry. It’s a must see for the conversation at hand.
Comment by Pinto — December 24, 2009 @ 1:22 am
ooh that wasn’t Lisa in 28 it was me. sorry y’all!
Comment by ...just call me cassandra — December 24, 2009 @ 1:23 am
both my husband and i are more practical gift givers. my engagement ring and wedding band are really the only jewelry i wear regularly. he chose both, and i regularly get compliments on my ring. the diamond was recycled from the ring his dad gave his mom. (they have been divorced for a very long time).
he recently sent me a few necklaces from afghanistan. he rarely gives me jewelry. although the worst gift he gave me was a fire safe. for my 30th birthday. his reason: we need one. sigh. he will be coming home for R&R for our birthdays. i think that will trump any gift ever.
while i would love for him to give me a nice piece of jewelry sometime, i’m not holding my breath. and frankly, i’d rather spend the money on furniture that matches. or a trip to europe.
Comment by Terina — December 24, 2009 @ 1:23 am
I’ve never seen “Blood diamonds” and don’t think I want to after the references to it.
I’m not a big jewelry person. My husband wanted to get me a big solitaire for my wedding ring and I simply didn’t want it. I could picture it getting caught in my daughters hair, scratching people (aka me and him), and getting mugged for it. No thanks. We got one with stones still but smaller non imposing ones. I love it…. and it sparkles when it’s cleaned
I have a really hard time understanding going into debt for sparkles though…. esp when people aren’t even married yet. Newlyweds have enough financial issues without a Gigantic ring that has to be paid for and insured every month. If I ever lost my ring I would be heartbroken because of the memories etc, but we could replace it relatively easily.
Comment by April — December 24, 2009 @ 1:39 am
I love pretty jewelry, but I doubt I will be able to justify us spending the money on any. My husband and I have matching wedding bands, which I would not wear until we were married. He started wearing his after we got them, a few weeks before we married. I have to say that was more my reaction to the whole BYU wedding ring show. If I had been somewhere else, maybe I would have been interested.
My dh did buy me a gorgeous necklace out of glass beads for Christmas on year and about a year or two later had a work friend make earrings to match. I love to wear the set, it is gorgeous blue glass and silver.
Last year I asked for fake diamond earrings because after wearing hoops for 13 years, I needed a change.
I knew my dh was great when, after we had been going out a while I came home from school and he had dropped off a CD he saw at the store and thought I would like. Call me crazy, but that he thought of me and knew that I would love the Liz Phair album along with a poster, just about melted me.
Comment by miles — December 24, 2009 @ 1:47 am
I like inexpensive costume jewelry and my hubs went through a phase of giving me rings. It was fun. He was having fun. I was too! Once he gave me an expensive-fo-me, rather dainty necklace. I told him I couldn’t accept it. It was fun to say that. “I am sorry, I can’t accept this! It is too expensive! ” And also I would likely break it. I want jewelry that I won’t be bummed out if I lose or break it. Especially necklaces ( babies pull on them! ) and earrings ( I take them off all over the place…now have a collection of singles! ) and its OK because I don’t spend much, I buy them mostly on clearance. I wear my engagement ring but not all the time. My hubs does wear his all the time. He used to keep a ring in his suit pocket for me in case I forgot to put a ring on Sunday in my mad rush. It wasn’t at all that he thought I had to have one on, but that he was just being thoughtful….and fun . He likes to surprise me. But I told him I have enough rings now. We got what we could afford at engagement time, and it has been just fine for me. There was always bargain rings available at the Y, and you know WHY. Love mine! I don’t attach any specific thing to my jewelry, other than the memory sometimes of where he bought it…and fun that he thinks of me…I just like me some bling. I am fine with CZ’s and there are lots of girls going with that now, from what I hear ( and I know a few.) It never occurred to me to look at others engagement rings and compare size or anything. It is all about a person’s taste, well, and budget. We wouldn’t go into debt for jewelry or rock the budget at all for it. That would seem silly for us. Most of this was after most of the kids left home. It’s an empty nester-ish fun thing. It is flirting. It is romantic. In a cheap way! We wouldn’t have done this when the kids were all home because…well, there were shoes and socks to buy. And stuff to save for. Milestones to reach. I don’t want anything too precious. I really don’t. When people compliment me on my rings I have a hard time not just saying ,” it’s fake.” I don’t want them to think we spent money on the real thing, because we are so frugal. If that makes sense. But sometimes I just say , “Yeah, thanks, I love it too! ” ( and yes those commercials are dumb, but Derek said “she’s never gazed soulfully in my eyes and kissed me slowly like the women on the Kay commercials…” Hmmm, really? )
Comment by Melissa P. — December 24, 2009 @ 2:04 am
I’m not a jewelry person either, but I do love my wedding ring because my husband designed it. I had told him that I wanted something simple and elegant, without a raised diamond because I didn’t want to scratch myself or children with the setting. So, while I was still on my mission, he drew out a design, took it to a jeweler, and had her make it. In his weekly letters to me, he occasionally referenced an errand that he made, but didn’t explain in any more detail. Turned out that he had been going to the jeweler’s store every week to check on the ring’s progress.
Because of the thought and love that went into making it, my wedding ring means much more to me than gold or diamonds.
Comment by Satsuki — December 24, 2009 @ 2:10 am
Pinto: There’s a great site that deals with how advertisers often poorly appeal to women in their ads:
http://www.3iying.com/
http://www.youtube.com/user/girlapproved#p/u/111/AvK9A6tllYw
I think it’s along the same lines. 3iyng takes aim at a variety of industries.
Comment by Mike H. — December 24, 2009 @ 3:05 am
i love Jewelry especially 1940’s style sapphires. But we don’t have TV so don’t see too many of those advertisements. I hate to receive jewelry though.I have quite a bit of nice jewelry from my Husband. Two years ago he got me diamond earings, a diamond necklace, and three dozen roses for my b-day! Who does that???? I cried for days and NOT out of happiness. It’s not that we didn’t have the money, It just made me so MAD. I love them now but it took me a really long time to be able to wear them. Now he is afraid to get me anything. He came home with a cake the other day and said, “well I didn’t want to make you mad by getting you jewelry or roses that will die,” I had to explain its not flowers in general, its just the excess.I said one solitary flower is great! He asked just yesterday, Are you sure you don’t want some jewelry for Christmas? I would say the best present would be to help me with this or that but he already makes my life easy by cooking, cleaning and giving me alone time. I basically found that we just grew up differently and express our love in different ways, but the longer we are married the happier we both are.
Comment by CZ — December 24, 2009 @ 3:36 am
Derek, I wear a plain gold wedding band and one small diamond in a simple engagement ring. I don’t wear any other expensive jewelry, and I doubt that my husband will ever buy me another diamond. That is perfectly OK with me. However, the diamond that I do wear has great significance for both of us, going back to the time that we were engaged at the age of 19 (if you want to know about that, go back to my Mormon (Feminist!) Image story on Dec. 19th). Anyway, I was wearing my engagement ring to the county fair way back then, and my boyfriend and I got on the ferris wheel. Unfortunately, when the guy working there slammed the bar across our seat to hold us in, it hit my ring and the diamond was knocked out of the setting. Imagine the horror of that! After the ride ended, I jumped out and started searching in the grass under the ride. My boyfriend explained to the guy what I was doing, and within a few minutes, to everyone’s surprise, I found the diamond! That fellow from the fair just looked at both of us in total astonishment, and said to my boyfriend, “Man, you’d better never let her go!” The irony was that we broke our engagement two months later. I gave him back the ring and he hocked it. Fast forward 30 years; against all odds, my boyfriend and I were back together and engaged again. We went back to the same jewelry store that he had bought the first ring from, and we got a ring as close to that original one that we could find. Whenever I look at my ring today, there is a lot of personal history and sentiment attached to it.
Comment by Valory — December 24, 2009 @ 4:23 am
Valory, what a story you two have. Wonderful.
Comment by numi — December 24, 2009 @ 5:40 am
My husband insisted that we get a diamond for me when we got engaged. I wanted a ring that was white gold with a cubic zirconia or something with an emerald, green is my favorite color. But, he really wanted me to have a diamond.
I think the best presents are those that you can tell someone put a lot of time, effort, and/or thought into.
I find that most commercials play off of stereotypes and insecurities. I don’t like commercials, they make me feel manipulated.
Comment by queenlucy — December 24, 2009 @ 8:34 am
It’s one thing to love jewelry (I do), but quite another to confuse it–or any material object–with feelings. Jewelry is nice, just like all luxury items are nice. But, at the end of the day, they’re just things. Meaningless. All too often, I think we look to things–in the form of presents, usually–to prove something to us. That we’re loved, that we’re successful, whatever.
I love my engagement ring, but not because it’s a diamond. Rather, I love it because there’s a lot of personal sentiment attached to it; the stone originally belonged to my great grandmother, and Mr. CJ had it reset. The thing is, it’s not the diamond, itself, that matters; I’d love it just as much if it were glass. Rather, what I love is what it represents.
And that’s the thing, really. The trappings of modern life are nice, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with liking them. The problem comes in when we use them to try to replace, or even create, the feelings they’re meant to merely represent.
Comment by CJ — December 24, 2009 @ 8:34 am
CZ–I’m sorry, I’m confused. Your husband helps you cook and clean, so he obviously values your commitments, and respects your desire to have time to yourself, and he thoughtfully buys you beautiful presents…and you cry for days?
Comment by CJ — December 24, 2009 @ 8:38 am
I’m not into jewelry at all, and the only jewelry my wife likes is artsy stuff (no diamonds). Perhaps apart from a pair of earrings or two, I can only think of two pieces of jewelry I’ve ever bought for my wife. One was a ring with a Hebrew inscription from the Song of Songs (meaning “My beloved is mine and I am my beloved’s,” and the other was a chay necklace to replace one she no longer had (I had to go to the Spertus Institute in Chicago to get that one). We didn’t even buy each other wedding rings (too poor).
Just last night my son and I were talking about how much we dislike that commercial where the storm makes the woman bump into the man’s arms and he produces a bauble. But those commercials exist for a reason–they work. They are successful at generating an artificial demand among women for diamonds and such. Just yesterday Mary Schmich in the Chicago Tribune had a column on navigating the treacherous shoals of a “no gifts” declaration. One woman said most of the time when she asks for “no gifts” she means it, but in the case of her husband she only means it 85 percent of the time. Part of her gets swept up in the romanticism of the diamond commercials and wants her husband to ignore her stated wishes and swoop in with a diamond anyway.
Comment by Kevin Barney — December 24, 2009 @ 9:09 am
I personally like the Kay Jewelers jingle….but then again my name is Kay and I can use it to tease my hubby, that every kiss really does begin with Kay!
I am not a jewelry person. I actually just got my ears pierced two months ago…I am 37. I only did it then because my daughter wanted to go do it with me and I thought it would be a fun mom/daughter experience. My husband said he would want to buy me a bunch of earrings now. I had to inform him that if he did, I would want the fake stuff, because I would rather use the money he would spend on real gems for something else like going on a trip!
Comment by Kay — December 24, 2009 @ 9:22 am
I’m not a big jewelry person, but I can imagine a point at which I might want some. And though I told my husband that I didn’t want a diamond in my engagement ring (pearls are so much prettier! And cheaper!) he got me a diamond anyway. (That makes him sound like a jerk; I had mentioned my preference in passing once, and he got the engagement ring as a surprise on my birthday, so I wasn’t really part of the discussion). I guess that at this point in my life, I don’t really need it, though I love it when he gets me a pair of $30 earrings with semi-precious stones or something. Though I have to say that I have enough garnets. On the other hand, I’m about to give birth to a daughter whose birthstone will be the garnet, so in 15 years I can start unloading the stuff on her
One thing I will say about a diamond ring is that though it snags on everything, there’s a would-be Italian mugger somewhere in Florence with a scar from mine, so it can be useful. I went out to call my parents at about 7 pm (still light) but to get from the hotel to the payphone, you had to walk through a tunnel to get to the train station. It seemed safe. Some guy started talking to me, and when I ignored him he grabbed me. I backhanded his face, and the ring caught under his chin and tore all the way across his face to his forehead. It was kind of icky. But he let go and I ran back to the hotel. I don’t wear my engagement ring anymore (too many shredded pockets) but I can see that diamonds are useful for self-defense. Why don’t jewelry stores use that as an advertising strategy?
Comment by Beth — December 24, 2009 @ 9:39 am
A very long, but very fascinating article from 1982 about the sheer manipulations of the De Beers diamond cartel
My wife has told me that if I want to buy her lumps of coal, make it charcoal so she can barbecue some pork.
Comment by Phouchg — December 24, 2009 @ 10:00 am
A few years ago the diamond fell out of my wedding ring (it was pretty small). I do like wearing a wedding ring as a symbol of my union with my husband and so I thought about replacing it. But the cost to replace it seemed high to me (more than I wanted to pay at the moment). After not wearing one for a few weeks I spotted a fake one at the check - out counter in Nordstrom’s.
It’s kind of huge. It’s so huge that I think it’s obvious it is fake. It cost me $99. But I think because my husband is an attorney, people usually assume it’s real. And sometimes people make a really big deal about how big it is and then I’m not sure if I should be embarrassed or amused.
This year my husband offered for Christmas to replace the diamond in my original band. But honestly, even though we could easily afford to do that - I just don’t care about having a real stone. I’ll keep wearing this fake one for now.
When I see all those jewelry commercials where a woman is surprised by her husband’s purchase, my first thought has always been that I would be annoyed when I saw how much money just came out of the bank account. I guess because my husband and I share in the financial responsibilities and both know what is in the accounts at all time - it would never be a surprise anyway. That seems like such a 1950s idea of a relationship to me.
Comment by bandanamom — December 24, 2009 @ 10:36 am
Growing up, my mother was upset when she received jewelry for birthday or Christmas presents because she felt my step-dad didn’t know what she really wanted so he’d just decided on something expensive. I’ve often told that story to my husband.
My husband bought me a beautiful silver and aquamarine bracelet when we were dating, pearl earrings soon after our engagement, and my engagement ring is actually a wedding band with ittybitty channel set diamonds. I love them all. He hasn’t bought me any jewelry worth more than $10 in the four years we’ve been married, which I am completely happy with. I did tell him this week that I’d like something pretty and less than $100 for our fifth anniversary though, and he is completely ok with that.
For me, it is an issue of how I want to spend money. We were college students when we married, and only recently have gotten real jobs with real salaries. When we were engaged, I could have the tiny ring and a bedroom set or a small ring. So, I chose the tiny ring and bedroom set, which I love more now than the day we bought them. Now that we have more money, I am more willing to consider spending $100 or so a year on a real piece of jewelry.
I like pretty things.
Comment by kew — December 24, 2009 @ 10:53 am
#43 CJ I agree, but my point is we all have ways in which we view the expression of love. My Husbands family always did it with presents and mine did it with acts. So I think sometimes it’s difficult to come to a middle ground of what each other needs and is comfortable with receiving.This year we are going on a trip and just doing little gifts for the kids. He got me a nice telescope and I love it because we can share it and teach the kids. Yes I love jewelry but I think it should always have a story to it, so when it is done it excess it starts to lack that sentimentality. But I never claimed to be a perfect wife I only try.
Comment by CZ — December 24, 2009 @ 11:02 am
I am not a big jewelry fan, and it frustrates my 11 year old son. He LOVES sparklies (always has) and thinks that all mommies should too. I hope he marries a woman who likes sparklies, it would make him so happy. I am blessed to be allergic to most metals, so we can often use that as an excuse for getting a different gift. I wear the bead necklaces and bracelets that my children have made.
DH likes jewelry, his mother and sister are big time fans and I think that has influenced them. I do like colored stones, and the blue diamonds in my SIL’s new ring are the most beautiful blue (the setting is a bit gaudy though.)
I wear a plain white gold band mostly because it’s comfortable and I don’t have to worry about getting bread dough stuck in it and it doesn’t catch on fabrics when I sew. My engagement/ wedding set is more of a vintage setting with small diamonds in white gold. When it’s clean it shines because the diamonds are really high quality. DH has designed and had made some earrings and rings for me. I wear them because of the love they represent.
My mother is to inherit this horrible piece of jewelry from her mother. It’s not a family heirloom and it’s worth a ton of money, so she is going to sell it and buy a new car.
Comment by JC — December 24, 2009 @ 11:03 am
I don’t know how expensive jewelery became the ultimate expression of true love in our culture. At least when men give it to women. Personally, I like my wedding ring because it is very “me.” I don’t have a huge center stone, instead I have 4 small diamonds clustered together to look like a larger stone. My husband gave me a pair of very small ruby earrings one year for Christmas (rubies are my birthstones) and it meant a lot because we were very poor and he choose to spend money on something for me instead of a day pass to go snowboarding. Since then he has bought me a few necklaces, and they mean a lot to me because they’re from him, not because they’re jewelry. I inherited a lot of jewelery from my Mother when she died, and all the pieces are special, not because they’re expensive, but become they were my mother’s.
I think the quest for a big diamond engagement ring has gotten a little out of hand. My brother and his wife wouldn’t even announce their engagement until she had a ring. It didn’t matter to her that my brother was a full-time college student with no job living at home and the only money he had was a few thousand he inherited when my mother died. No, she wanted her 1 carat solitaire. I talked him into talking her into a CZ. Just as sparkly, no one else can tell. She accepted this, but always talks about swapping out for a real one down the road. It makes me roll my eyes.
On another note, a lot of my adoptive couples ask me what gift they can give their birthmother at the time of her placing the baby with them. I always recommend a necklace with the baby’s birthstone. I’ve seen several of my birthmother clients where their necklaces with such love, they never want to take them off. It isn’t the stone that’s precious, it’s the sentiment behind it.
Comment by Risa — December 24, 2009 @ 11:07 am
I just want to say that I am pleased as punch to see a discussion about conflict diamonds and how DeBeers essentially created the current market demand for diamonds.
For those of you for whom this information makes you feel guilty…I’m not sure what to say except that feeling guilty is a natural reaction to reading (or viewing a movie) about the absolute horrors of the diamond trade in Africa.
I’m not saying you should get rid of your diamonds (that’s a personal decision), but I do find it disappointing that your reaction is to express dissatisfaction with the current poster for bringing up a serious issue rooted in fact.
For those of you who love diamonds, the only way to buy a truly conflict free diamond is to buy one that comes from mines in Canada (you can find them online). Even if you buy a diamond in a retail store with a certificate saying it is not a conflict diamond, you can’t be sure that’s the case, because the diamond trade is so difficult to trace with any certainty.
I actually do find diamonds really beautiful and often find myself envious of people who can wear them without guilt, either because they don’t know about conflict diamonds or just choose not to think about it.
Anyway, it’s a topic so rarely spoken about or acknowledged, and I’m just really glad to see any discussion of it at all.
Comment by anonymous — December 24, 2009 @ 11:20 am
My sister is a jewelry fiend. Bling everywhere. Everywhere. For many years I have received earrings from her, large gaudy gold earrings. I know that she also loves to shop and suspect that these were after-holiday bargains. A few years ago when the price of gold was high I took these uglies, along with some broken gold chains and other odd pieces of gold and sold them to the highest bidder. I was able to purchase a needed item for my favorite hobby.
Comment by no bling sister — December 24, 2009 @ 11:41 am
I’m not a jewelry wearing person, but when I do it’s mostly funky jewelry or cheaper stuff - silver, not many stones in my collection. I wouldn’t say no to a diamond or another type of stone, though. For more than 20 years, my dream ring has been a bezel set Tanzanite in a platinum setting. They’re fairly impossible to find.
Meanwhile, my original wedding ring was made of tin or something. Cost about $1 in South America. Then, DH’s dad gave us a teensy weensy diamond I had set into a skinny gold setting. Finally, my husband found a small garnet set in a cute 18k gold setting in the garbage (it’s a Japanese garbage hunting thing), and I wore that as my wedding ring for 10 years. Now I’m not wearing anything, but I’ve been mulling over the idea of actually getting a “real” wedding ring which I feel I’ve never had.
Is jewelry important to me? Not really. Is it fun sometimes and is it pleasant to look down and see something pretty? Yeah!!!
Comment by meems — December 24, 2009 @ 11:42 am
Beth, what a story! That is an EXCELLENT advertising idea.
But since my stones are tiny, I usually just carry my keys between my fingers if I’m out in a potentially unsafe area by myself.
Comment by Natalie K. — December 24, 2009 @ 11:49 am
i think i am the only person on this thread to express guilt for my diamond and it wasn’t because of where it came from. my lover bought me a conflict free diamond (yes, as far as he knows it is, but isn’t that the same for everything that’s “certified”.)
*****
hey all what’s the difference between a 75 dollar piece of jewelry and a 75 dollar something (clothes perhaps?) that your hunny picks up at Target or Nordstrom Rack or Amazon to satisfy your anniversary gift??
why is that thing more superior than the other thing? is it because jewelry is immodest? because it’s an adornment and its like flaunting wealth and we can’t be seen as vain and shallow?
ha! you don’t think your shiny cell phone or ipod or shoes or camera and lenses has the same effect?
it’s still spending money on things, (things that will probably only last a few years and have to be replaced) and it still gets flaunted and bragged about only it’s different….right? because it’s not diamonds or gold or pearls.
derek, it wasn’t your post. your post was great. it was the comments. posts that give people the opportunity to pat themselves on the back always marginalize someone. this time it was me. (i’m sure i’ve done it myself)
ps there are few things more timeless than a strand of real pearls.
Comment by mfranti — December 24, 2009 @ 11:54 am
I agree the ‘conflict diamonds’ are a problem, but in the scale of problems our consumption brings to other peoples lives, it is not so significant.
If you shop at Wallmart, Costco, Sam’s Club, Fred Myers or Smiths you are probably more responsible for other peoples suffering than if you buy diamonds from DeBeers.
Human rights issues have improved in China and SouthEast Asia, but not as much as most people think. Thousands of lives are destroyed by the diamond trade. Millions work as virtual slave labor to supply us with cheap crap for Christmas.
In the end, it all comes down to greed - and we have too much of it. Replacing the desire for one thing with the desire for something else doesn’t accomplish much. We just need to be less materialistic overall.
Comment by Davis — December 24, 2009 @ 11:59 am
As an old (58) year old romantic I was unbelievable touched when my toy boy( well he is 54) gave me a locket with his picture in it. And I wear it all the time.. He works in the building trade, running building sites and he’s not a softie , I don’t care whether people think it’s too little or too much, but no diamonds
Comment by christine — December 24, 2009 @ 12:01 pm
CZ–I appreciate what you’re saying, but it’s not either/or. From what you’ve described, it sounds like your husband expresses love with acts and gifts, which is awesome. If the intention is truly there, the gift is meaningful.
My own personal perspective is this: I grew up dirt poor. We had nothing. I never felt resentful of that, and I had what I really wanted and needed–and, most of all, I had my parents’ love. But, at the same time, it was hard going without, and seeing the people I loved going without. I was pretty keenly aware that, for years, my mother only had two skirts–and she chose caring for me, and giving me the things I wanted, over getting a third. So, I grew up pretty keenly aware of the sacrifice inherent in generosity.
And, honestly, I think because of my childhood I’ve always seen providing for someone else’s material needs as a really awesome, generous thing to do. These days, Mr. CJ and I are both attorneys; we’re not wealthy, but we’re not poor, either. I love doing nice things for my family, and one of those nice things is buying nice things. No, it certainly doesn’t replace emotional commitment, and involvement, but to me it’s still an expression of generosity.
Comment by CJ — December 24, 2009 @ 12:10 pm
you don’t think your shiny cell phone or ipod or shoes or camera and lenses has the same effect?
I guess it seems like shoes or a camera are a little different because they have a practical purpose, whereas jewelry is just pretty; it doesn’t facilitate the active doing of something like walking or developing a skill or staying in contact or storing music.
I tend to be pretty practical about the things I own, so jewelry just doesn’t make sense to me. I know that you, m, are very practical, too, but we just differ on our interest in jewelry. That difference doesn’t make me a better person. I’m just not particularly sentimental or prone to emotional attachments.
I have a hard time holding on to things; I hate owning things. The very concept of owning jewelry makes me itchy. It doesn’t DO anything. What’s the point? I like beautiful things, I have things in my home just because I like how they look, but spending lots of money on a pretty thing that doesn’t have any purpose but prettiness will never make sense to me.
But this is just me. If you like your jewelry, that’s just great. It doesn’t have to mean anything about you or me or anyone else. It’s not necessary to be so defensive or to spread the judgment around.
Comment by Chandelle — December 24, 2009 @ 12:36 pm
i suppose the same can be said for art. and nice linens.
and yeah, i know i’m being defensive that’s why i deleted my earlier comments but it seems like most people on this board don’t prefer to wear jewelry (which is funny to me because i don’t wear the things my hunny has given me unless i’m going somewhere nice which is close to never). I guess everyone on this board has really simple and plain tastes.
Comment by mfranti — December 24, 2009 @ 12:47 pm
I like jewelry! I feel like, sometimes, people who like any material thing are unfairly demonized–like, liking something means you’re materialistic, or otherwise confused about your priorities. Liking jewelry doesn’t mean you, literally, think “diamonds are a girl’s best friend”. Maybe it just makes you feel pretty.
Comment by CJ — December 24, 2009 @ 12:55 pm
I love my wedding/engagement ring (my ring is just one piece, I wore it as an engagement ring, then took it off for the wedding, so my Mister could put it on me again after as the wedding ring). It has 10 little diamonds inset in a double row. My Mister and I went to a jeweler and designed it, then he had it made. I rarely take it off (only for making bread or candy) because it’s heavy and my finger feels funny without it.
I don’t wear a lot of jewelry. (usually only my ring, sometimes a necklace or earrings if I’m really dressing up). Sometimes I’d like to wear more, but not usually enough to do anything about it.
Comment by Alliegator — December 24, 2009 @ 12:58 pm
ding, diing, ding, ding!
Comment by mfranti — December 24, 2009 @ 12:58 pm
I don’t love jewlery, I don’t wear it often so it seems like a waste. Oddly enough though one of the best gifts I ever got was a piece of jewlery. I wear it now and then, but love to look at it and remember what it means. It’s not the piece that means all that much, but the thought behind it and the person that gave it to me.
For the most part it really isn’t the gift that I care that much about, if I really want something I save for it and buy it. It’s more about the time I spend with friends and family, and (when gifts are exchanged) the thought that’s put into it. Give me a book any day and I’ll be as excited as a little kid at christmas, but give my sister a book and she’ll look at you like you’ve lost it.
When I give gifts I like to give a piece of myself, something I made or a grouping of things I love that I know you will too (because it’s a shared interest). I love things that connect me to the people I love, so when someone takes the time to find something that reminds them of me it means a lot more than any diamond ever could.
Comment by Susan — December 24, 2009 @ 12:59 pm
There is nothing wrong with pretty sparklies. They are pretty, and they sparkle. Also, you can build your own cool symbolism into the diamond’s physical strength.
My wife likes earrings and rings of all sorts. We have a few expensive diamond ones, which she likes. We also have lots of chandeliers and goofy earrings and bright colors, which she also likes. She wears her diamonds or pearls sometimes, especially to formal events. But she wears some others, like her bright green glass earrings, a lot more.
So no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with buying jewelry - *if* you can afford it. It’s a luxury, and should be viewed as such.
I remember when I was dating, there was a campaign at the mall jewelry store (Kay, I think) that one should expect to spend 2 months salary on a diamond. The tagline was, “how else can two months salary last forever?” Blech. Again, *not* that the diamond itself is bad, or that one’s jewelry should be viewed as bad. But the expectation that every relationship follow that line, is ridiculous.
I dated one girl who expected a 2-months-salary diamond, nothing less. This was when I was a student, working full time and barely making enough to put myself through school. We broke up for various reasons, but that was certainly one of them.
Mardell wanted a simple ring with a flat in-set stone that wouldn’t get caught on things when she was building things or sewing things or using her hands. She’s liked that ring ever since.
Comment by Kaimi — December 24, 2009 @ 1:09 pm
I guess I also see diamonds (not jewelry in the larger sense) as different from socks or cell phones because De Beers has succeeded in duping the entire world into believing that diamonds are a) a true symbol of love & romance 2) worth more than they really are and 3) something by which to measure the worth of a sentiment or a whole relationship.
It’s pretty amazing what they’ve been able to accomplish by a series of extremely clever and effective marketing campaigns and secret business deals. It’s also infuriating, in my opinion.
And that’s not even touching on the conflict element.
I agree with the previous poster that buying stuff from Walmart, etc. also has a bad effect on people’s lives…and yeah, one would probably have to live completely “off the grid,” so to speak, to avoid any harm to anyone.
I just get *particularly* mad when I think about diamonds and how many people really get into them and judge themselves or other people over the size of their engagement ring, etc.
I mean, all that BYU ring angst (and it happens everywhere else, too) that previous posters have described has been artificially created by De Beers! How egregious! How silly!
Comment by anonymous — December 24, 2009 @ 1:10 pm
Oh- and if we had to do it over, I might just get fake diamonds, because as young and poor as we were, I can’t believe how much he spent on my ring. (he still won’t tell me how much, but I have a good idea).
I like new clothes, and I don’t see a difference between new clothes and jewelry as a gift. Yes you can get away without wearing jewelry, and not so much with clothes, however, you can get away with clothes that don’t cost very much, aren’t the certain style you like, etc…
My ring doesn’t have a diamond that could be used defensively, but it’s platinum and weighs kind of a lot, and I always figure it would be a little like brass knuckles if I whacked somebody.
Comment by Alliegator — December 24, 2009 @ 1:11 pm
It drove me up the wall that, when Mr. CJ and I got engaged, everybody asked about the ring, wedding details, etc.–but nobody asked about the man I was marrying! Who I’d chosen to spend Eternity with was simply NOT as important as where I was buying my dress.
Several people made snarky comments to me about my ring, like, “my, isn’t he doing well”, etc. Since it was a hand-me-down and cost us nothing, that cracked me up. People often feel very free to judge, especially when (they perceive that) you fit a certain stereotype.
Comment by CJ — December 24, 2009 @ 1:17 pm
m, I like jewelry! A lot of jewelry is very beautiful, especially handmade pieces. I love the aesthetic of a well-made piece of artistic jewelry. And who doesn’t love the look of those polished stones under the lights in a jewelry store? I can admire their artistry. I even love to see women or men wearing jewelry very well - like you, m. I just don’t like to wear it myself and I wouldn’t consider it a worthwhile purpose for myself.
Comment by Chandelle — December 24, 2009 @ 1:19 pm
I wouldn’t consider it a worthwhile purpose for myself.
That doesn’t make any sense. I think I was trying to say that I wouldn’t consider jewelry a worthwhile purchase because it has no purpose. Or something.
Comment by Chandelle — December 24, 2009 @ 1:20 pm
#62,#63 If you look I say many times I like jewelry. I don’t have cheap jewelry. CJ I do regret my reaction because now he is afraid to get me things.In any case I was expressing the difficulties couples can be confronted with when their ideal of gift giving differs. I am not a women whom says I would rather have my Husband do “this or that” because he already does “this or that”. I think just because we can afford to do things doesn’t mean we always should. I love all of my gifts and am not saying I don’t appreciate the way he expresses himself, But I do believe it’s not appropriate in excess. I don’t want my children growing up thinking that I need my Husband to get me things. For instance, I have two children and each time he gets me a antique ring diamond set. It’s GREAT..It’s special to me, and I like wearing them as they are symbolic. Not “we can afford it so I should get it.” But I see your point of letting your spouse express themselves the way they need to.
Comment by cz — December 24, 2009 @ 1:31 pm
My wife would not let me buy her an engagement ring because of the “status” that some of her friends would assign to it…”wow that must have cost a fortune” or “he must be really cheap” It bothered me for a while but respected her wishes and subsequently witnessed the attitudes first hand as it was “no ring? he must be really cheap”. And she defended my honor by saying that is EXACTLY why she wouldn’t let me buy her a ring.
She even bought our wedding bands from a wholesale catalog.
Jewelry can be nice but it has to be your thing. Our simple gold bands have served us well and as one of her final wishes, had to be cut from her finger prior to passing and given to one of our daughters.
Comment by Just Sayin' — December 24, 2009 @ 1:36 pm
#73 see the revised # 62.
Comment by mfranti — December 24, 2009 @ 1:44 pm
This documentary really opened my eyes about diamonds. They aren’t even all that rare, and the prices are way inflated. All that besides the conflict diamonds thing.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-485106292440896363#docid=4708164785842119522
Comment by Ian Cook — December 24, 2009 @ 1:46 pm
I have bought exactly one diamond in my life, it was my wife’s engagement ring. It cost $100, and her sister lost it years ago.
Comment by Ian Cook — December 24, 2009 @ 1:48 pm
Here’s a better place to view the documentary.
http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/frontline-the-diamond-empire/
Comment by Ian Cook — December 24, 2009 @ 2:11 pm
#75 your funny. Ok so You said you only wear your bling out to nice places. I use to wear mine all the time. but with a 7 month old and 2 year old pulling at my earings, well let’s just say it’s changed a bit.
Comment by Cz — December 24, 2009 @ 2:13 pm
Okay, I think there should be an official suspension of the permas’ privilege to edit or delete their comments. I’ve said countless things on this blog that embarrassed me later or that were terribly misspelled or grammatically shameful, but I don’t get to go back and change them. I just have to live with it. And I think the permas should, too, especially if it changes the context of the conversation to edit.
Comment by Chandelle — December 24, 2009 @ 2:22 pm
I love my wedding/engagement ring. It suits me, its practical (no scratchy bits), and it meant a lot to DH to be able to get it for me. Proposing just the right way (yes, that meant a diamond) was really important to him. I felt it was more important to give him that than make a fuss about not wearing jewelry (I have a bunch, some of it nice, but never wear any of it apart from one pair of earrings. Heck, I don’t even take them out to clean them…)
I have never looked at our rings as symbols of ownership - they definitely can have that meaning, but I choose not to accept it for my marriage. Our rings are symbolic of our personal commitments. I don’t feel it was necessary that that symbol come in the form of jewelry - DH gave me a boxed set of the Harry Potter books as a wedding present that I feel almost the same way about. However, I do think that sometimes, having a tangible symbol for something is important. I don’t have too many symbols representing commitments I have made in my life. And my diamond is one heck of a lot prettier than my garments.
That said, I hate diamond commercials with a passion. I don’t have TV, which makes them a great deal easier to avoid.
Comment by Emma — December 24, 2009 @ 2:34 pm
Emma- before we got married I used a rental deposit refund to buy my Mister a new motorcycle helmet. I think that meant more to him than anything else I’ve ever given him.
Gifts are funny that way.
Comment by Alliegator — December 24, 2009 @ 2:40 pm
I guess I’m not that smart but I didn’t see how it changed her opinion. Just sayin… And to be honest I don’t think most people think badly of others for the things they say mistakes and all.
Comment by Cz — December 24, 2009 @ 2:51 pm
Some people love shoes (pointing at you, Eris), some get thier jollies from Ipods (other daughter), some like camera lenses (pointing at myself) and some fancy cars. I wouldn’t trade my beautiful, sparkly nice-sized diamond in for anything. To each his own, I say.
But my diamond and gold won’t lose it’s value or require an upgrade every year. It doesn’t need to be resoled or have the oil changed every 3000 miles. Other than routine checkups at the jewelers it just stays on my hand and sparkles. I love it. It is timeless. (did that come from a commercial somewhere?)
mfranti, everyone has something that they take joy in. Next time we meet I want to see you wearing some fine bling!
Comment by no bling sister — December 24, 2009 @ 3:13 pm
I like to wear jewelry. I’ve been given some very nice pearls and diamonds over the years that I enjoy wearing. Many years ago, when I was engaged to someone I’m not currently with– and we were looking at rings, we found a few ‘eco’ jewelers in the NW that dealt only with conflict free diamonds and metals that they had reused and harvested from various sources that we felt pretty good about. But I had only become educated and aware of the situation at that time because of our research and we stumbled upon some shocking information about the conflict diamonds. I felt lucky to have found out about it then, but otherwise I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. Education takes time.
I can admit to liking nice jewelry and enjoying to wear it too. Then there are many days where I prefer to be free of anything that isn’t purely for comfort and function as I’m sure many others dress that way as well. I have to admit though, that after I got engaged this time around and my husband bought me some really nice diamonds and then I was out of work for a super long time– there were many times when I looked at those diamonds and thought it sure would be nice to have that in food instead of stones. And when I remember how many others around the world go without, I do realize that its not a necessity and surely a nicety and that I would prefer to use those funds to help others instead in the future. But if all things were equal and we lived in a utopia then I can admit I could easily enjoy wearing my little sparklies.
Comment by moksha — December 24, 2009 @ 3:20 pm
I like my tiny engagement ring with a miniscule diamond…because of the man who gave it to me, not because of what it is.
I have a friend whose fiance (now husband) couldn’t afford a diamond, and had someone hand-carve a wooden ring for her to wear until he could replace it with a “real one.” She was thrilled with the thought behind the wooden ring and treasures it more than the diamond he did eventually get her.
Comment by bookharlot — December 24, 2009 @ 3:35 pm
I like jewelry. I’m partial to artsy kinds of pieces, and I usually buy jewelry when I travel overseas (not usually anything too expensive, and often as a gift for someone). I think it’s a nice souvenir, especially of places that are known for certain stones. I do not own diamonds and asked for a diamond-less engagement ring because of the conflict and because it seemed impractical for everyday wearing. DH and I have matching, simple white gold bands, and we never, ever take them off. We used the money we would have spent on a diamond and used it for a fabulous honeymoon. I think my husband always felt a little bad about not getting me a fancy wedding ring, though, because he has often given me nice jewelry for Christmas and birthdays in the years since we got married. I appreciate it because I know he thinks it’s romantic, and because, coming from a really poor background, he likes being able to give me nice things. And when I wear the jewelry he’s given me, it’s like a silent way of telling him I love him and remembering the special times we’ve spent together. Jewelry isn’t something I ask for or expect, and I’ll admit there have been a few times when I thought the money could have been better spent on something else. But all in all, I appreciate the gesture and I do wear the jewelry I have.
Comment by Sofia — December 24, 2009 @ 3:56 pm
The Five Love Languages. I believe in it. I’m not gifts, so I don’t get it. My husband knows better than to get me jewelry or any kind of gift, really.
I just want him to tell me how much he loves me and do things for me. He just wants me to hold his hand or sit next to him on the couch or give him a hug and kiss when he comes home.
I’m not going to knock those who are gifts people or quality time people. They can buy gifts to celebrate holidays and anniversaries, they can go out on weekly dates if they want. We just don’t want to do that stuff.
Comment by jks — December 24, 2009 @ 5:09 pm
I love the ring that DH chose for me as my engagement and wedding ring. It is an antique wedding ring from the 20′ or 30’s, good quality in white gold. I love that it has a story that we can only guess at. I love that there is a huge chip in the diamond from someone long ago. I love that he bought it on eBay. I love that it has emeralds in it and is small and doesn’t get caught on clothing. I love it that we recycled and he didn’t go into debt to buy it.
My wedding ring is the only piece of jewelry I wear. I can’t stand wearing jewelry! earrings, necklaces and bracelets all make me tug and pull. Anything but white gold or higher quality sterling silver turn my skin green.
I know many women who just love jewels, but I am not one of them. Never have been, never will be.
A more touching gift to me was that DH had t-shirts printed w/ my business card logo for each member of our family so we can advertise my little venture(that has already cost him so much money!). That show of support meant much more than jewelry ever could.
Comment by former mormon — December 24, 2009 @ 5:37 pm
I admit, I am not a big jewelry person - I just don’t like having stuff on me. So, I wore a watch until I got engaged and then I wore my ring and got rid of the watch because I couldn’t stand more than one thing.
But I LOVE my engagement ring because it means so much to me. My husband didn’t know much about the customs here because he is Japanese, but he learned all about them, and would sneak off to jewelry stores until he found just the right one. It’s simple and it’s not that big, but he saved up his money for quite a while and used every penny to buy me that ring and I will always love that. Because he used all his money, he didn’t even have money for food for a week or so, and all he had at his home was rice and ketchup. He just kept hoping friends would ask him over to eat (we were in college at the time), so he would have something to eat. I think it is really symbolic of how much he would do for me, and I think it is precious that I have a physical symbol of that that I see every day.
Comment by A.Kay — December 24, 2009 @ 8:10 pm
“hey all what’s the difference between a 75 dollar piece of jewelry and a 75 dollar something (clothes perhaps?) that your hunny picks up at Target or Nordstrom Rack or Amazon to satisfy your anniversary gift??”
Absolutely nothing, imo. What we choose to collect / enjoy is up to us. If I collect hats and someone else collects shoes, and a third person collects jewelry, there is no inherent moral difference. In most cases, the things we really like are going to be extras, regardless, and what they are, exactly, is irrelevant to that fact.
I think the deeper issue is that diamonds (or jewelry, or designer clothing, or large houses, or whatever) can be used by certain individuals as a means of expressing their social dominance (which is just an unattractive habit, no matter how you do it). Of course, the human reaction to this is to assert oneself and reinforce one’s own sense of self worth, and this often ends up as an appeal to the perceived nobility of frugality and simplicity. The material objects then become invested with moral and social values, which differ depending on which side you are on.
Sadly, those of us who like things that are socially valuable for personal or aesthetic reasons are often caught in the crossfire here. (Notice, I make here an aesthetic valuation of jewelry, as a means of attaining my own moral high ground. *sigh* Sometimes being human can be difficult.)
Comment by Matt A. — December 24, 2009 @ 9:47 pm
I am a fancy lady with fancy lady tastes, so I love jewelry and am rarely without several pieces. (Most of them not worth anything, but still.) But whenever I see those abominable commercials I always turn to Bear and say, “How do I feel about diamonds?” and he says “Yeah, yeah, Diamonds are evil.”
There’s a lot of reasons to dislike diamonds - artificially inflated cost, conflict trade, destruction of the environment, commercialism, etc - but they’re still beautiful. So we try to make smart choices in where we get my bling. We buy from vintage stores, costume jewelry is so good these days you’d need a jewelers loop to tell the difference, and even Costco has carried some really beautiful white topaz pieces.
I love them, but this thought that there is no higher expression of love than buying something ridiculously expensive is just awful. Sacrifice, selflessness, yes. A big price tag? No.
Comment by reese — December 24, 2009 @ 9:49 pm
I don’t know, my kids always sing the song, “Every kick begins with Kay.” The kids pretend the commercial plot goes like this:
Commercial Lady says to Commercial Guy, “OMG this diamond SUCKS! I hate it!” and then kicks him.
(But it took me awhile to realize that that WASN’T what the commercial said. I mean seriously, a couple years. I don’t pay very close attention, apparently.)
Comment by TAG — December 24, 2009 @ 10:52 pm
Oh, but I actually agree completely with CZ in #38 and getting mad at expensive gifts. I just graduated from college (non-trad, I’m 39 years old) and had he gotten me a dozen roses, I would have been pretty annoyed at him for the waste.
Now, a box of Godiva chocolates? That wouldn’t be wasteful at all.
Comment by TAG — December 24, 2009 @ 10:54 pm
I can totally see the first part, not so much the second. I agree that I don’t wear the wedding ring as a reminder to myself, but I think it would be false advertising not to wear the ring.
Wearing a ring sends a pretty clear message to others, and I think that is only fair.
Comment by Naismith — December 24, 2009 @ 11:55 pm
#84,
Try selling your diamond, see what it’s value is now compared to how much was paid for it.
Comment by Ian Cook — December 25, 2009 @ 12:33 am
Matt A - #91 - I really like that comment. Yeah, I agree.
Comment by Lawyer Lady — December 25, 2009 @ 1:21 am
#3..” a ring is a sign of ownership” you belong to the wrong church babe…the whole doctrine of the church is about “male ownership”: of women” one way or another…As my old nanny taught me..You can never be too thin or have too many diamonds…#85…its strange how we have to “admit” we like to wear our baubles! I love that my DH cuddles me on the couch or shows support for my crazy ventures…but also love when he brings home a great piece of jewely for our special occasions… Nope, I dont consider myself shallow..just like the sparkly stuff…
m
Comment by Melody Pink — December 25, 2009 @ 4:55 am
I like jewelry, but I dont care if its real, and I’d rather my husband not spend a ton of money on it. My engagement ring stones are moissanite. My “diamond” earrings are $5 fake studs from Kohls, etc. I’ve told my husband many times that he better not ever spend a ton of money on jewelry. Maybe for our 25th anniversary I’ll get real studs…but I don’t really care!
I do however like my pearl necklace. My FIL gave it to me.
Comment by anon — December 25, 2009 @ 6:09 am
you belong to the wrong church babe
Indeed, I did, which is why I’m not Mormon anymore. Thanks for the sentiment, though. Babe.
Comment by Chandelle — December 25, 2009 @ 11:17 am
Haven’t read all the comments yet but:
(1) I am sick of the latest marketing styles coming out that portray marriages (or relationships). Anyone seen the horrendous Chase Sapphire commercials where the man and woman seem to not really like each other and spend their bonus points without discussion? Urgh…
(2) One of the best Christmas presents that my darling spouse bought me once was a shredder. A paper shredder. I about cried. It’s practical, useful, and was something that I totally needed.
Comment by Shelly! — December 25, 2009 @ 12:40 pm
I neither like nor wear jewelry, except for an occasional pair of earrings. I’m a nurse, and when I’m not at work, I’m apt to be building, repairing, or otherwise up to my ears in mechanical toys…..power equipment and jewelry don’t work well together. My daughter is a helicopter mechanic—she has a gorgeous rock that she can’t wear, for the same reason. Neither she nor her fiance will wear rings when they are married. My other children—well, I doubt it.
But honestly—we are all conditioned by society to think we NEED this junk. Why waste your money? The fake stuff is just as pretty.
Oh, and concerning value? my sister has some serious rocks. When she divorced, they were still worth almost nothing.
Comment by fuzzy — December 25, 2009 @ 3:21 pm
My husband proposed while we were hiking Ben Lomond in Scotland. His proposal was sweet and heartfelt, and then he said, “Instead of a ring..” and pulled out two sheets of paper where he had researched jewerly stores in Edinburough.”I knew you didn’t want a diamond, so I thought tomorrow we could go shopping and pick out a ring together.” As a librarian, I was so proud, he’d done his own research
Both the hike and the day shopping for my ring are two really great memories. In the end, we chose a ring with an amethysist center stone, four little diamonds surrounding it and two green trumoline on the outer sides. It’s looks like a thistle, which is a symbol of his homeland of Scotland, so it’s like wearing a little representation of his home on my hand. The part I like best about it is that he said, “Of all the rings we looked at, it’s the only one unique enough for you.” I’ll never see another soul wearing my ring and it’s a special reminder of what my husband thinks of me.
Comment by SN — December 25, 2009 @ 4:02 pm
I’m pretty sure I’ve written this on this blog somewhere else, but I didn’t get a diamond engagement ring. My husband had just finished grad school and was only a few months into a university job when he proposed so I think he was pretty relieved I didn’t want a diamond. I was in love with malachite and thought it looked nice with silver, so he bought me a silver malachite ring in Mexico for, I think, about $15. It was a surprise when he gave it to me so I was thrilled.
I don’t really have any objection to other people wearing diamonds — yes, I am concerned about conflict diamonds but everyone’s got to make their own choice about that or work it out some other way.
What I DO (did) really resent was that hubby was made to feel inadequate and cheap by several people because he didn’t buy me a fancy engagement ring. He says he stills feels the leftover humiliation of that. That enraged me. People we didn’t even know were passing judgment on his level of commitment to me based on the materials the ring was made of.
As for ownership, I don’t think of our wedding rings as expressing ownership at all. I did object to being the only one wearing an engagement ring because there was something about the one-sidedness of that that bothered me, so I asked if I could buy him a simple silver band to wear, which he happily did.
He has bought me earrings that went with my engagement ring and got a pendant made from a piece of malachite too, and that is pretty much the only jewelry ensemble I need/want. Gifts for each other that we really like are usually books and DVDs. Homemade gifts rock too though. When we were dating he made me a thick notebook cover with a buckle on it, from old belts, web-belt material and dyed dental floss. It sounds like trash but it looks SO amazing. I carried it everywhere I went for a long time.
Buying gifts for each other for Christmas is basically buying gifts for ourselves because our tastes are so similar. In one case, this morning, they were exactly alike: We unknowingly each bought each other a copy of Mystery Science Theatre 3000: Vol. XIV (including the great episode “SOULTAKER”). Hahahahaha.
Comment by xenologue — December 25, 2009 @ 7:24 pm
I’m crazy about my cubic zirconiums
They have better brillance than diamonds.
But seriously, some people, for cultural and for personal reasons like the enduring gift of jewelry and the commitment it tends to represent. Others have other preferences.
Some like artificial stones (the cubics, the various aluminum oxide stones — a real ruby and an artificial one are the same chemicals) some like real.
It is a matter of taste and history and culture.
I loved the malachite story.
Comment by Stephen M (ethesis) — December 25, 2009 @ 7:40 pm
I do not want a diamond ring once I ever manage to get engaged. They’re just boring to me personally. Everyone has one. If someone had a family diamond ring they wanted to give to me, I would be fine, because that would be a family thing.
Ok, so I wouldn’t probably turn it down if that’s what I was presented with no matter what, since it’s a gift from the man I love, but if we were to that point, he would have already heard about how I don’t like diamonds and he should have listened
I want one of the blue or green stones, probably. Maybe red. Tourmaline comes in a lot of colors. If I marry my geologist best friend like I hope, I’d love to have it made from a little fossil or some nice rock he’d found.
Comment by Marie — December 26, 2009 @ 2:47 pm
I love jewelery. My engagement ring was an antique ring from the 20s. My wedding band is plain metal, but what it represents makes it priceless.
However, I despise those stupid commercials. Essentially, you don’t love your wife unless you get her a journey diamond pendant. Ugh. It makes my skin crawl. I informed my husband that “kill” also begins with “K”.
I think that if the worth of your relationship is defined by how many “symbolic” pieces of jewelery your spouse buys you, you may need to take a step back and re-evaluate your priorities.
Comment by Dancer 007 — December 27, 2009 @ 5:45 pm
I’m a little surprised no one has mentioned this site:
www.adiamondisexpensive.com
I kept showing it to my soon to be husband (3months!) while we waited to have my grandmother’s engagement ring reset - if it wasn’t for the hand me down, I might not have wanted a ring at all, i got so tired of all the fuss - but I do love looking at the stone and thinking of my grandfather picking it out
Comment by emily — December 27, 2009 @ 11:45 pm
I’m going to repeat my wedding ring story, because there’s always a new audience on the bloggernacle. We got our wedding rings at Murray’s Discount Auto in Redford, MI. When DH mentioned to me that he heard they had good prices on jewelry, I jumped on it. So we went there a week or so before the wedding and bought two matching 14K gold wedding rings, a package of tube socks and a case of 10w30 motor oil.
Sadly, Murray’s has been purchased by O’Reilly Auto Parts. I don’t know if the Redford store still sells jewelry or not, but I rather doubt it.
Comment by Ann — December 28, 2009 @ 10:54 pm
I really love jewelry and accessories. They make me feel girly and they are fun. I am in a place in my life where I have acquired some nice pieces over time and they each have sentimental value to me. I have hand-made peices from around the world, both natural stones and diamonds. I will pass them on to my daughters someday and when they have a special event they can wear any of them to it.
Most of my pieces were given to me, with love and thoughtfulness, by my husband, inherited from women in my family, or collected on my travels.I am a jewelry snob, I guess, in that if it isn’t a naturally occuring stone or artisan I don’t personally want to wear it or put much value on it. But hey, that is just me though, If your CZ rock rocks your world than wear it with style my sister
I do dislike that for many today jewelry is meant to be an ‘in your face’ sign of wealth and status, though that could ceratinly be said of a lot of other material goods as well when you think about it. We could easily do a seperate post on status-material posessions.
I think it is more than fair to wear a ring and let men know I am spoken for and I like that my husband so proudly wears his, it’s only fair to the ladies to know that my hawwwt Aussie is spoken for!
As for cheesey diamond ads, there is one I actually like. Remember the one that states only two things last longer than time? It shows a younger couple holding hands walking past an older couple holding hands. I guess I’m a sucker because I totally dug that.Daimonds are forever, they are tough, they coat heavy duty machinery with that stuff so to be sure it should withstand the amount of diaper changes and adventures I plan to take on with my hubby over the years!
Comment by Travelin' Pants — December 29, 2009 @ 2:06 am
Here’s an interesting piece from Slate which discusses the origin of the diamond ring as an engagement gift. Turns out it’s even more recent than the DeBeers thing, and may have developed as a way of proving that the prospective groom isn’t just trying to trick the prospective bride into having a sexual relationship without an eventual wedding.
Comment by Serenity Valley — December 31, 2009 @ 12:49 am
I adore my huge rock and women envy me everywhere I go. Too bad most of the women on this post are never going to feel as good as I do. My diamonds have always been purchased with cash and it feels amazing to know I’m wearing something on my hand that costs more than the average vehicle on the road. Plus, it’s all mine!
My husband proposed with:
Color: D
Clarity: VS1
Shape: Round
Cut: Ideal
Carat: 1.02
10 years of marriage and 5 diamonds later - I now have:
Color: F
Clarity: VS1
Shape: Round
Cut: Ideal
Carat: 5.11
Comment by Loved and Cherished — March 29, 2010 @ 11:15 am
Wow! You are amazing! You are so right, I am never going to feel as good a you do. Congrats on your great accomplishments.
Comment by cz — March 29, 2010 @ 11:21 am
I like CZ’s! ( paid for in cash, of course!)
Comment by Melissa P. — March 29, 2010 @ 11:54 am
I missed this post. Very apropos for me today- it’s our anniversary. He bought me a beautiful and simply styled diamond engagement ring, which I love. I’m not a big fan of diamonds in general, but, because of what it symbolizes, I really like mine. Unfortunately, arthritis in my hands causes them to swell at the knuckles and I am rarely able to wear any rings- not even my wedding rings. I was thinking of this with sadness today, because I know he misses seeing them on my hand and miss wearing them but he doesn’t mention it much because it pains me. He always notices when I am able to wear it.
Comment by Kimberly — March 29, 2010 @ 2:54 pm
#112 has to be a troll
Comment by Stephanie — March 29, 2010 @ 3:03 pm
My husband doesn’t notice, and I find myself ringless much of the time, though he loves to buy me rings. I keep telling him I have enough and too many. ( I love them, I just forget to wear them, these days…)
Kimberly, I am sorry you have arthritis. It does look painful when I see sisters with swollen knuckles. I would be afraid to get rings stuck on my hand, it makes me feel claustrophobic ( pregnancy swelling did! )
Comment by Melissa P. — March 29, 2010 @ 3:06 pm