Cleanliness is Next to Godliness
I recently dropped my daughter off at a home that made me cringe a little, they’d probably straightened up for the party, but there was something off, a bit of it was the smell maybe, and a certain subtle griminess. It’s a little hard for me to put into words, Not filthy, but to me, uncomfortably on the dirty side.
And as I drove away I contemplated the disaster that was my own home. Seriously, the Christmas bomb had gone off and it wasn’t just clutter, it was getting gross. Candy wrappers everywhere, little bits of packaging, battalions of Star Wars lego storm troopers occupying the corners. And grossest of all two wiener dogs that I can’t seem to train (I’m inept, but don’t tell mfranti, or she’ll get smug) and can’t kill (though I’m frequently tempted). I was driving home to that, from that, and that really freaked me out. Obviously totally judgmental, I don’t want to be the owner of the smelly grimy house that people cringe about as they leave. But then again, neither do I have any interest in maintaining the standard that is expected in many circles in which my house looks like an unoccupied furniture advertisement.
Many of my church cohorts freely admit to (even brag about?) cleaning for several hours every day. Mercy. The same ladies who apologize for the mess, not a thing out of place, as you check your reflection on the coffee table. This is annoying, please make them stop.
When we put our house on the market a while back (not moving anywhere, just thinking it’s a good time to get a little more space, I’d really like a family room, and an office, sigh) and I had to maintain that un-lived in look, it was the biggest time-sink and source of frustration and family tension in the history of the known universe. Weeping wailing and nashing of teeth every time my kids dared to play with toys! The heathens.
Which reminds me of my friend who keeps a quite cluttery house, but one that does not make me cringe when I leave it (is it a lack of underlying grime? is it that I know her better? a little of both?). She grew up in a spotless house, and all her memories of childhood are centered around that spotlessness, the rooms she wasn’t allowed to enter (most of them), unable to invite friends over to play, the fear that her mother would sweep in and freak out at any moment over every small mess, constant anxiety. I admit, I’d like a spotless house, but I don’t want to be her mom (and neither does she).
As I sit here and think about it, all my close friends have homes that tend on the somewhat cluttery but (mostly) clean underneath side. Probably because I’m a needy greedy friend and all those ladies in catalog houses are so busy cleaning they don’t have sufficient time to devote to being my friend (showering me with sufficient gifts and compliments is an intensive and time-consuming lifestyle). I don’t mind the clutter in my BFFs houses in the slightest, hardly even notice it, so I should give myself as much of a break, neh? Oh but the shallow part of me fears that I really do live in the fetid embarrassing house that I’ve lost touch with reality, and no one would ever dare say. And nothing makes me want to punch a hole in the wall more than kids who can’t find their shoescoatbackpackunderwear because it’s behindthepianounderthegiraffepillowcoveredinbooks.
As usual, I’ve rambled on and on and figured nothing out. It’s always just going to be a struggle I think, maintaining that balance between the immaculate gestapo and shameful stink sack. Somewhere in the land of clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy.
I can relate. My house is always cluttery, but I hope not perceived as gross.
Comment by m&m — January 5, 2010 @ 5:26 pm
Christmas bomb is a good description. Every day since then I have come home wondering if the tree will be undecorated and entombed in its box waiting for me to put it in the attic…not yet but that’s okay because our littlest still has a present or two under the tree waiting to be opened. (He’s more interested in watching Sponge Bob and adding to that stack of candy wrappers on the floor than he is opening books and underwear.)
I have made it a point to clear the floor of all trash, toys, dishes, books and other various and sundry items and vacuum at least once a week. I’m very tender footed and besides hating to walk on Legos, I don’t like to face harden bread or cracker or potato chip crumbs.
Sometimes I think clutter is king at our house, but I am constantly reminded that I am seldom here to see how much mommy and kids play with and use the stuff that I tend to trip over. And mommy and kids are happy and healthy so what really do I have to complain about.
Comment by Desert Rat — January 5, 2010 @ 5:37 pm
The other night, I totally lost it at Mr. CJ over his inability to put away his clean clothes that I’d thoughtfully washed for him. Really, I can’t decide whether I was more irrational, or more inappropriate. Maybe it’s a tie. Somewhere in the haze of my rage, I remember using the words “squalor” and “hovel”. Now, did he deserve this? Is there any such thing as mess so extreme it warrants this kind of reaction? I hope the answers to these questions are obvious: no!
The thing of it was, as we talked about it afterward, Mr. CJ told me that he’d just been thinking, “gee, we both have tough jobs, it’s OK if the housework slides a little bit”. He’d been concerned that he’d (unintentionally) put too much of a burden on me, both by not contributing enough and by expecting the house to be, well, livable. What he didn’t consider, he said, was how important it was to me.
Why is it so important? My childhood (parent with hoarding disorder, frequently unlivable conditions) has something to do with it, as do my character flaws. I know it’s psychotic, but I can’t think clearly unless my house is clean–and I feel so bad about myself! I give myself this set of standards to live up to (must have clean house at all times, must excel at job, must get along with in-laws at all times, must always have sufficient time to produce homemade baked goods, and still be able to eat them while simultaneously fitting into my pants), and I beat myself–and others, it seems–up when I don’t meet them.
Comment by CJ — January 5, 2010 @ 5:48 pm
Clutter doesn’t bug me. Dirt does. So, I’d say my house is along the lines of “somewhat cluttery but mostly clean underneath”. I came this close to having the entire house spotless sometime in September or October but have given up again. Usually I can only get one of the two floors at a time because whichever floor I am not working on gets destroyed.
Comment by Stephanie — January 5, 2010 @ 5:50 pm
i admit to being the friend with the really messy house. [hangs head in shame]
Comment by mfranti — January 5, 2010 @ 5:51 pm
That’s what I hate about dishes, housework and laundry…its never ever done!
Comment by Desert Rat — January 5, 2010 @ 5:53 pm
My house actually spontaneously generates laundry. Plus, my family hides it! What is so difficult about putting it in the hamper? Why is it easier to hide it in the bottom of the closet, or inside a suitcase, or–believe it or not–under the tub?
Comment by CJ — January 5, 2010 @ 6:00 pm
My house is definitely on the cluttered side. One of my goals for the new year is to sort through all our stuff and declutter our house. For me this goal has taken on almost a spiritual aspect because things have piled up so badly that I feel like I’m not being a good steward of things we’re blessed to have. Sometimes I end up buying a duplicate item (e.g. scissors or baby hairbrush) simply because I can’t find the original–Aargh! I know it’s not realistic for our family to live in a spotless house and when it comes down to it I don’t have the desire to put in the time it would take to keep a house spotless. But I think I can do better than I doing right now so I’m going to try.
Comment by Faith — January 5, 2010 @ 6:05 pm
I can relate too. My sister is a type-A OCD, germaphobe, neatfreak. Her house always looks great. I am her opposite and none of those things, thus my house doesn’t. I don’t mind a bit of clutter so long as I know it’s clean underneath. My husband hates clutter but doesn’t see the filth. Somehow, we manage. We are about to put our house on the market for the first time ever and I dread it. I have 4 children aged 2, 4, 9, and12; it seems impossible! My oldest is a boy with no concept of neat and tidy. His brain literally isn’t wired that way.
I also have a friend like yours. Hers is the messiest I’ve ever seen, but it’s because she’s always doing projects with her kids (kitchen, art, sewing, etc). She too has horrible memories of growing up with a controlling neatfreak mother. She remembers being locked in a power struggle with her mom as a teen and sleeping in a sleeping bag for a month because she refused to make her bed! So, she somehow turned into the opposite of her mother. I strive to be in-between both extremes. It works for lazy, type-B me.
Comment by Fairchild — January 5, 2010 @ 6:05 pm
My house is mostly pretty clean (unless you look at the baseboards too closely) because we’re trying to sell it. It’s not a fun way to live.
I like things to be generally tidy, and I like things to be not-a-health-hazard, but clutter doesn’t really bother me. My Mister, on the other hand doesn’t like clutter. He likes to come home to at least the kitchen and living area clean, and since he really does a lot around the house (I rarely do laundry and haven’t folded it in years) I try to humor him. He gets irritated (for some odd reason) when I play online all day and don’t clean up any of the messes….
One of my friends used to apologize for the mess, until she heard someone say, “sorry about the mess, but we live here”.
Comment by Alliegator — January 5, 2010 @ 6:09 pm
Woah woah woah woah…you have a GIRAFFE!?
That could be part of the problem.
Comment by Motion de Smiths — January 5, 2010 @ 6:14 pm
I loathe clutter and dirt. But it’s more than that. I’ll admit, I’m the person who doesn’t want anyone to sit on the couch because it might mess up the cushions. It kind of reminds me of that part in American Beauty when Lester yells “It’s just a couch!” I know there’s more to life than cleaning (or is there?), but I seriously thrive on neatness, cleanliness and organization. It’s like, after I scrub the tub I never want to bath again just so it remains that sparkling clean forever. When I change the sheets, I have a hard time wanting to sleep in my bed because the sheets are so fresh and unwrinkled. Ha ha, maybe I’m a little compulsive about it. I love myself a clean house. Is my house always clean though? No. (Well, at least not always to my personal standard.) I mean, I have a family and unfortunately they live in the house, so it’s not consistently orderly. But if I had my way, nobody would touch a damn thing.
Comment by mk7 — January 5, 2010 @ 6:24 pm
Have you tried FlyLady? My house was disastorous before I did FlyLady. We are still cluttered and honestly I have a cleaning lady come every 2 weeks which keeps my house “clean” But the messiness/clutter is only a 15 minute room rescue from being gone.
It really helped me get some manageable routines into my life.
Comment by Enjoy Birth — January 5, 2010 @ 6:26 pm
#10, i am totally going to use that line!
lisa, i am right there with you. i have improved since i have been married, and i know i will continue to improve. but i am not a magician.
i remember babysitting for this family that had a living room where you could not sit in it. she would vacuum it all the time. couches, tables…….but you were not allowed to sit in it. her entire house was perfectly organized. she would spend hours doing YW lessons. even went so far as to give the bakery the napkins she was using so they could decorate a cake she was bringing to match them. talk about overwhelming.
i do not mind being average. we are not supposed to reach perfection for a while right? maybe by the time i die i will have a spotless house. or not.
Comment by Terina — January 5, 2010 @ 6:26 pm
Fairchild, I have to share a story about a few years ago when we put our house on the market. We had 7 kids at the time, the oldest was 15, the youngest was one. It was in the middle of a buying frenzy so there were multiple showings every day. We put a lot of our stuff in storage, so that made it easier for the rush through clean up when there was an unexpected showing. Anyway, one day as I hustled the kids to my friend’s house for a last minute showing, I ran through the house–Cleaned and picked up? check. Lights on? check. Blinds open? check. After the showing we came home to find that in our family room in the basement, all of the couch and love seat cushions were piled in the middle of the floor. One of the kids had been playing and I totally missed it! I was focused on the lights and the windows! Sheesh. Bet they were impressed. Just pray your house sells fast!
Comment by wistfulblue — January 5, 2010 @ 6:27 pm
I think I’ve mainly found that balance, mostly.
I have OCD. Seriously. I joke about it all the time, but I really do have it and I have to create my own little immersion therapy to make sure that I don’t go full-on Monk.
Everything has a place in my house, because clutter seriously distresses me, but after a couple of weepy breakdowns I’ve had to force myself to deal with dust. I try to remind myself that down that road lies disaster (for me) and if I think too much about a dirty house than before you know it I’m washing my hands six times in a row.
There have been a few occasions when we were expecting guests and I went into scrub every surface mode. and then I forced myself to go back and undo some work. I never want to make someone coming to my house feel bad and I know that if every surface is sparkling and every trinket placed just so it’s a little ridiculous. So I tossed one of my projects across the table, put some shoes on the stairs, put a couple of dishes in the sink, that kind of thing. I don’t want my home to betray my mental illness.
Comment by Reese Dixon — January 5, 2010 @ 6:29 pm
My mom was a hoarder too. I’m sure that has a little something to do with how my OCD manifests.
Comment by Reese Dixon — January 5, 2010 @ 6:31 pm
Oh on the 26th of December my landlord came over unannounced! I had not tackled the immediate christmas bomb-sure wrapping paper was gone, but it was christmas with 8 children. I was so steamed he didn’t even call first!
We scurried like crazy while he did things outside and in 45 inutes it was reasonable. UGH. Had he just called.
Most of the time my house looks very lived in…and we still have boxes because i CAN’T WAIT to get out of this rental house.
sigh
I’ve had a few humbling experiences. My surprise christmas eve baby came the day after my 2yo had thrown up 10+times…I had done most of hte laundry-but the house was a day late-then christmas with mom recovering from a baby-then my loving sister inlaw volunteered to come clean my house for a baby shower type thing-I was so embarassed. I couldn’t clean it first-I won’t do that to my body 3 days after birth. My dh had enough to do with the children and cleaning up general christmas-.
sigh
Comment by britt — January 5, 2010 @ 6:36 pm
Yeah, this is why I don’t ever, ever want to move. Or else we’ll have to sell our house *after* we move out of it. Even when it’s “clean,” that just means the clutter is piled onto shelves instead of on the floor.
Comment by philomytha — January 5, 2010 @ 6:42 pm
My MIL came a few days after my first was born, and I scrubbed the kitchen floor, hands & knees, before she came.
I was stupid.
She would have done it for me.
Comment by Alliegator — January 5, 2010 @ 6:45 pm
Reese, I don’t have OCD (well, at least not diagnosed :)) but I can relate to you. I get anxiety when the house isn’t perfect. And it’s hard because I know “perfect” isn’t really attainable. And dust! How I hate dust! Even as a kid I would dust my room all the time.
Alliegator, I would’ve done the same thing. In fact, I DID do the same thing. LOL. So, speaking of that, when my grandma came to help out with my first-born, it was the hardest thing for me. I wouldn’t let her touch my laundry or the dishes or anything else. I should’ve just accepted her help, considering how much I wore myself out all because I just had to have things done my own way. Yes, stupid me. I should’ve realized how much I needed someone’s help while trying to recover from having a baby, because trying to do it all by myself just made my recovery longer. I don’t think I’ll be that way when the next child comes. I hope.
Comment by mk7 — January 5, 2010 @ 7:06 pm
I’m a clutterer, a packrat and hoarder. I can’t keep my desk from disappearing under a shambling heap of papers to save my life. Piles of books and paper spontaneous grow like fungi from the ground as I walk. My wife complains, but I’m not the one who leaves my clothes on the floor, so she can’t really ride me too hard.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a slob. I do the cleaning in the house, because Luv’s been in school for the last several years. And when I pull out a sponge, rag, brush, or vacuum, I’m very thorough. So I’m a cluttery OCD guy. Go figure.
Comment by Derek — January 5, 2010 @ 7:33 pm
My best friend has the dirtiest, most clutter-filled house ever. On one respect, going there is so relaxing because the kids can play, do anything they want, I never have to help out with dishes, or anything else. On the other hand, it kind of grosses me out using the toilet, a towel (is this thing clean??), or even sleeping on a couch or using a pillow. But I admire the fact that one enormous chore is just wiped from her to do list and envy the time that frees up to LIVE.
And then there’s me. I hate dirt, germs or clutter. I have 2 big dogs, a cat, and 2 kids + a step kid, and a husband. Keeping the house clean enough for me gives everyone anxiety. I hired a maid and that has helped tremendously. But I still find myself cleaning even though I know the maid is coming in two days. I’ve managed to mostly turn over the loft and our “secret room” (storage space) over to the kids and mostly let them make a mess of those two rooms and I don’t mostly clean up after them– the maid does it on her cleaning days. It’s helped. But clutter freaks me out (what if I can’t find something?????? my whole world will crumble!) or germs gross me out (eeew! I’ll get sick from touching that).
I’d (almostly) sell my soul to have a live-in maid/cook/assistant.
Comment by Lulubelle — January 5, 2010 @ 7:37 pm
Lulu, you’re not one of those who cleans before the maid comes so she doesn’t see “how dirty it gets,” are you?
Comment by Derek — January 5, 2010 @ 7:43 pm
Flylady has made a huge difference for me. I still don’t have things the way I want them, but I have the structure or tools now, and it helps.
I think for me the biggest problem I have now is the habit the family has of doing things DH’s way. I was debilitated by depression for a number of years, and DH ran the house, his way. Now that I am well (and he is not), I’m struggling to re-establish doing things to my standard. He is comfortable pushing the mess on the kitchen bench along until he has a clean foot wide section, and then cook there. I am not.
My brain freezes when a room reaches a certain level of clutter-y chaos, and I just don’t know where to start. I’m working on establishing some new habits, babysteps.
It is all made further complicated by the fact we just have too much stuff, having been in a 30 square house before moving to the 10 square on we are in now.
I keep telling myself i need to establish a “house of order”, it is going to be a long process, and getting the children into the habit of doing things my way may take even longer.
Chibby
Comment by Chibbylick — January 5, 2010 @ 7:50 pm
Face it Ladies, children are messy. But I’m here to tell you that they do grow up and move away and have their own messy houses where you get to visit and actually enjoy cleaning up, because after all it’s your beautiful grandchildren you are cleaning up after and what could be better than having an excuse to go be with them.
Truthfully, when the kids are gone, so is most of the mess. I grew up as a middle child in a large family (with lots of cousins living nearby) in a big old house with two parents who worked full time, so a little mess always feels like home to me. My DH on the other hand….small family and mother who threw away the newspaper before anyone had a chance to read it. We’ve learned to compromise. When the children were small I insisted there be a clear path from each bedroom to the bathroom before everyone went to bed at night. Now that they are gone, DH and I spend about an hour together on Saturday afternoons and the house is clean for the week. But Derek, I am a clutterer by nature too, and my idea of organizing my office (I work from home) is to rearrange the piles. Mostly I know what is in the piles. And if I can’t find something I just figure it isn’t that important.
Isn’t it great that there are all kinds of people in the world?
Comment by CatherineWO — January 5, 2010 @ 8:18 pm
My house has to be clean before I go on vacation. I just can’t leave until it’s clean. Can’t do it. It drives my DH crazy.
Constantly picking up after my tornado children all day makes me depressed. So I gave it up. Sometimes we put an upbeat song on at night and the whole family picks up until the song is over. When it’s over, it’s over. No more picking up. Then I get in the tub with some ice cream and a good book.
Comment by lache — January 5, 2010 @ 8:26 pm
My Christmas bomb got cleaned up Sunday night. That is because I spent the last two weekends remodeling someone’s house. Two stories of hard wood floor, bathroom in linoleum (don’t hate… didn’t have time to tile), moldings, air returns, the whole nine yards. To me helping that person was much more important than cleaning my house. I don’t have much in the way of clutter etc so it really doesn’t take that long, but still, if there is something else time sensitive to do, I am the one doing it.
Comment by StillConfused — January 5, 2010 @ 8:28 pm
lache, i’m just like you. i have to come home to a clean house.
catherine, you said children are messy and i’d like to add that having more than one person in my home is the reason my house is messy.
when i lived alone (ok, i had a small child too but she wasn’t a messy kid), it was always neat and orderly and i had a rhythm to my housekeeping.
now, i feel like i’m a live in housekeeper and those feelings keep me in constant avoidance mode.
until lisa comes to visit…
Comment by mfranti — January 5, 2010 @ 8:30 pm
oh, and though i’m a hardcore surface abuser, i can’t stand a dirty home, so i’m constantly cleaning the dirt but avoiding the piles.
/sigh. the piles are what people see.
Comment by mfranti — January 5, 2010 @ 8:31 pm
ok,
it’s time to purge.
Comment by mfranti — January 5, 2010 @ 8:32 pm
You have no interest in maintaining a “house [that] looks like an unoccupied furniture advertisement.”? This is actually what I strive for.
Comment by mk7 — January 5, 2010 @ 8:38 pm
I don’t like clutter and dirt and I don’t like cleaning, either, so I hire help. It’s so worth it. We run around like crazy people the night before they are coming - it “forces” us to put our crap away and I love it. I know not everyone can afford it, or may not want to prioritize it, but I recommend it.
maybe you could trade babysitting for cleaning with one of those clean freak moms.
Comment by venus — January 5, 2010 @ 8:41 pm
someone mentioned flylady.net. I am a big fan…she saved my sanity, and is a big part of my psyche. She changes the way you THINK about the work in the home and lots of other things…it is really not all about homekeeping. What a huge help to me in SO MANY WAYS.
And other people’s dirt is sort of like other people’s baby’s diapers….alot more icky than our own!
I have family members whose homes look like magazines all the time. We really don’t all have the same struggles with routines and decision making and motivation and energy. Our brains are wired differently. ADD, perfectionism, OCD, family habits and heritage …
I feel so much better about where I am in all this since I found flylady.net. But WAIT! there is MORE! ( it is FREEEEE!)
Comment by Melissa P. — January 5, 2010 @ 8:43 pm
#24 Derek: I always cleaned before the cleaning lady came. That way I knew she was going to do the stuff that I totally hated doing. That being said, after 15 years with us our four-hour-a-week helper retired. Dh said we could find someone else but I told him no, we could do it (I no longer worked).
Two years later my house is not as sparkling as it used to be. It took some getting used to. Sometimes it disturbs me enough to fix it, other times not. (New Years resolution?)
I was raised in a major pigpen. Then the big shock came. First husband was OCD in a major, major way. He even measured how far apart the nick-nacks (sp?) were placed to make sure they were even. My two girls were allowed to have one toy out at a time. Heaven forbid that we left a footprint on the carpet after vacuuming. It took me a few years to get over it after the divorce.
Present state of the Numi house is probably a little cleaner than most but not obsessively. Depends on the room. And the day. And how many grandkids have been here.
Sometimes I still miss her terribly.
Comment by numi — January 5, 2010 @ 8:45 pm
Numi’s house is immaculate - unless you hit one of the basement rooms the week after Christmas or a day of grandkids. I grew up with that OCD first husband of hers and have tried to not pass it on. I still have to have the towels folded and put away in the same direction, require that counters and tables be wiped off, etc. I do live with many more piles and messes than I am comfortable with, but I like to think you can come to our house and not be physically sick (unless it’s the last two weeks of the semester; then you’re on your own).
Even so, tonight I spent 30 minutes with the kids cleaning up all the clutter around the house and yelling at them for making a mess. This is the part I hate about the mess and my reaction to it: It makes me a yeller.
Finally, I grew up with a best friend who had the dirtiest house I have ever seen. It was disgusting. She has carried it into her adult years and I actually heard her MIL say, “I can’t believe my son lives in this.” I don’t know if that says more about my friend, her husband, or the MIL.
Comment by Eris — January 5, 2010 @ 9:29 pm
I live with four children (4-12 yrs old), and one DH who works from home and leaves a paper trail behind him wherever he goes. I need things neat and clutter free, he doesn’t even see the mess and is a pack rat (a genetic trait he inherited from both his grandfathers, bless them both).
I grew up in a spotless house where the entire house was cleaned every single week while my mother regaled us with stories of how much stricter HER mother was - ‘we moved every stick of furniture! entire house of hardwood floors! horror stories of Spring Cleaning death marches! My mother’s last memory of seeing her mother alive was sitting in her civics class (they lived across the street from the HS), and watching her wash the outside of their windows with a bucket of steaming hot water on December 23rd (in Blackfoot, ID, where the temp was around 15 degrees), then she got in the car and drove away. Five hours later, she was dead of a stroke at age 42; Mom was 16.
My mother was a proto-Martha Stewart. I have a ton of memories cleaning the house I grew up in, weeding the vegetable garden, washing windows, lessons on how to scrub a floor properly, or ironing the perfect pleats. I don’t have a single memory of my mother reading to me. As much as I do love a super clean house, I’ll take sticky floors in exchange for my little ones knowing they are more important to me than living in a spotless showplace.
My kids are learning that there’s a time to clean, and then when the scheduled chores are done, it’s time for having fun together. We’re still finding a balance that keeps everyone healthy and happy (Flylady.net helps!).
Comment by kimbobim — January 5, 2010 @ 9:42 pm
On my mission we helped clean a house to save it from being condemned. That saved all of my friends from ever having the messiest house. After that experience we wanted to boil ourselves-we only had a bath! We threw away the clothesw..it did get better..after a few weeks and lots of serious chemicals it was livable.
Comment by britt — January 5, 2010 @ 9:50 pm
Is this OCD? I’ve never considered myself OCD, but a few months ago (after whirling around the house and tsking the whole time), I jokingly said to DH, “Maybe I’m OCD or something” and he replied, “You THINK?!?” Hmm.
I mentioned earlier that I am okay with clutter, but this is a fairly recent phenomenon. I realized that either 1. I am going to be depressed my whole life (see lache’s comment 27) and really hate my kids (which means that they will, in turn, hate me back someday) or 2. I am going to need to learn to let go a little bit. So, allowing clutter is me letting go.
When I went to Women’s Conference this year, I attended all the seminars on organizing. I thought, “If I can just get more organized, our house will be cleaner”. As I listened to the speaker, I realized that I already do every.single.thing. that she did. The problem is not me! It is my children! What I need is a parenting class! (or to let go a little)
Last thing - I finally broke down and hired a woman in my ward to do a few things I’ve been trying to get done for years (blinds, etc.) Later, another friend called and said, “[Same woman] came over to clean and asked, ‘Did you clean this before I came? Only one other person I know does that: Stephanie’”. Sigh. It’s true.
Comment by Stephanie — January 5, 2010 @ 10:17 pm
mfranti, i also clean around my piles. goal for this year is to purge. too bad we dont live closer. we could take turns helping each other purge. always easier to get rid of someone elses stuff.:)
Comment by Terina — January 5, 2010 @ 10:33 pm
I have OCD. Seriously.
This is one reason why I look forward to the resurrection. Seriously.
I’m a weird duck that way — clutter doesn’t bother me, but germs? I’m a nut about those.
Comment by m&m — January 5, 2010 @ 10:35 pm
I used to babysit for a woman whose house was a tidy disaster. No super large piles of dishes and no shoes or toys to trip over and no legos to step on, but dust,grim,sink/toilet/water stains EVERYWHERE. Even her plants were covered in dust! And they were living ones! ( My personal mark of an untidy household is when plants are dusty) Instead of playing with her kids I would find myself cleaning like a mad woman. It helped my mental peace of mind, and hopefully their health… im okay with clean clutter, but it’s a capital N.O. with tidy disasters.
Comment by Kiersten — January 5, 2010 @ 10:44 pm
I have some negative memories of my mom cleaning when I wanted her to pay attention to me
Comment by Jill — January 5, 2010 @ 10:54 pm
I don’t have any memories of my mom cleaning. Ever.
Comment by Stephanie — January 5, 2010 @ 11:08 pm
I don’t think my mom cleaned, either. The image that sticks with me is not being able to eat at the table because it was stacked with junk. My younger sister talks about not having friends come over because she was embarassed. Mom is 78 now and her house is clean. A few years ago I helped her take carloads of junk to the DI. She loved it.
Comment by numi — January 5, 2010 @ 11:34 pm
I don’t think it’s ever dirt or clutter that get to me when I visit a home (and I do a lot of home visits as a social worker) it’s if the house smells bad. Yeah, you get used to it after 10 minutes of being there (if you’re lucky), but a bad smell is hard to get over. I try not to be the person with a smelly house! We just moved into a brand spanking new house and every time I walk in I smell the fresh paint. It makes a good excuse to turn the Scentsy on.
Comment by Risa — January 5, 2010 @ 11:46 pm
I have friends all over the spectrum, most with multiple small children. I have one friend who doesn’t have people over specifically because she feels like she’s not up to standard. Friends with cleaning services have much cleaner homes. I do not like being in a dirty home, no matter who it belongs to. One of my best friends is a phenomenal person but gets no help from her husband and juggles a million things. Her house is often a wreck by anyone’s standards. When I’m there, I’m washing, sorting, mopping, anything that helps her at all. I honestly enjoy it because it makes me feel useful. All I want to do is talk which doesn’t require me to sit down.
No, I don’t want to be the grimy house and I’m willing to invest the time and effort to avoid it (mostly because dh is on board). But, man, it’s a lot of work to keep my feet from sticking to the floor.
Comment by Lupita — January 6, 2010 @ 12:11 am
Oh my gosh– I might be the worst person on this thread. I hate to admit it but when I’m checking out of a hotel room, I tidy up. I make sure all the trash is in the trash can, the used soaps in the shower are thrown away, and all the used towels are in a tidy neat pile. And then I leave a tip. I think I need professional help. I’d love to find a middle ground. But, hey, I did give my kids space in the house that I sorta leave alone. Except absolutely NOOOOo food up there or else.
Comment by anonymous4this — January 6, 2010 @ 12:13 am
#47, i do that too ever since I read “Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America” a long time ago. only in my case it’s kind of sick because i’m a flight attendant, so i stay in hotels often. my hotels get better treatment than my house. alas.
what i need is a set of friends to just start showing up at my house randomly…every day or so. because if i know someone’s coming over, that’s enough motivation to light the fires of cleanliness. but so much time passes between visitors, that the embers are barely giving off heat by the time i get around to another round of ALL in my all or nothing approach to cleaning. (for the record, to day was an all day…and included yummy indian food for dinner). fly lady helped me go from being a nothing to an allornothing house keeper, and was helpful in overcoming the tendencies i acquired growing up in a packratty dirty hoarder house.
lisa, i don’t believe for a moment that you have a stinky sack home. i’m going to call you sometime from the airport and tell you to come get me and then i’ll prove it to you!
♥
Comment by Blue — January 6, 2010 @ 12:34 am
Blue, I grew up in a packratty dirty hoarder house as well. Two years after my Mom’s death, we’re still going through her things. Two years! This is why I’m probably so unemotionally attached to things. It’s a good thing I work in the same building as the DI because I regularly drop off stuff before I go into work!
Comment by Risa — January 6, 2010 @ 12:45 am
That made no sense. What I was trying to say is I’m not emotionally attached to things (except my shoes). I loved moving because it meant I got to de-junk big time.
Comment by Risa — January 6, 2010 @ 12:52 am
Since I have no immune system and dh works in a hospital and no doubt brings home unmentionable germs, I admit to over-using those totally environmentally-unfriendly Clorox wipes because I don’t know what else do do in order to daily wipe down every door knob and light switch in the house without contracting the plague. Bleargh. And I clean my base boards weekly because I am a freak.
Otherwise, having a kid has been a great lesson in learning to deal with clutter. I still loathe dirt, mind you, but am learning to deal with clutter—at the moment about 50 practice golf balls that he launches from a little wooden catapult sold at the Port Angleles farmer’s market. The balls are as light as ping pong balls so they can’t destroy anything upon being fired, but they are freaking *everywhere*. And since he got a garbage truck for Christmas, of course we had to make oodles of tiny bits of garbage to go in it. Which must be dumped. Repeatedly.
Ooohm Ooohm Oohhhm.
Hey, it’s more fun watching a kid play than it is cleaning, any day.
Comment by Janet — January 6, 2010 @ 12:56 am
I actually loved the clean “on the market” house because my husband put stuff away without being nagged! He was so motivated to sell–woohooo! And with only one kid, the toys were easy enough to wrastle.
But one day I returned from a showing, my house having been beautifully prepared, to walk around to DH’s side of the bed and find . . . . about three days worth of dirty stinky garmies siting in a pile. Just what sells a house: dirty magic underwear.
Comment by Janet — January 6, 2010 @ 12:58 am
I actually have several friends who keep their houses spotless whose mothers were crazy dirty and unstable, I think it’s a fairly common coping thing. All of us trying not to make the mistakes our mothers make, and of course making our very own mistakes instead.
I don’t remember my mother’s house being particularly one way or the other, it certainly wasn’t spotless, but it was never ever really dirty either. I don’t remember my mom cleaning all that much, but I’m sure I wasn’t paying attention either. I certainly thought I had too many chores of course. but on the whole it was mostly mellow and unextraordinary. I guess that’s maybe why I’m fairly comfy with a bit of mess. My (much older) sister’s house was/is as Kiersten says, something of a tidy disaster, no clutter, no piles, but the little things are gross, like the light switches and black baseboards, and scary bathroom. I really dislike it and don’t really feel comfortable there. Always wanting to wipe things off, but some stuff is so bad it just doesn’t come clean.
I fear that, in my own home Whenever I turn around and find fingerprints in places I missed or a spill that i don’t know how long it’s been like that, I start to fear that I am becoming a disaster, it freaks me out.
But then again, I grew up a few doors down from the people who lived in truly terrible disgusting filth, their house didn’t just smell it stunk, it reeked, and the walls were smeared with black goop, and globs of stuff on the floor, and dead mice in the corner, I kid you not. Oh those poor children.
Comment by fMhLisa — January 6, 2010 @ 1:34 am
Yep, Lisa–it’s just unsanitary conditions that should freak us out, not clutter. Clutter just shows life. Though I do admit that I loathe my husband’s belief (which his Mom says he inherited from her) that something is “clean” if it is in a pile. Pffft.
I *have* figured out why my mother banned hot wheels cars from our home. Always figured it was a gender thing and wildly resented it. After falling on my bum a zillion times and friends’ homes, I’ve rethought: I think she wanted to avoid the endless slip-n-slide those monster create. I’m hoping Muffin never takes an interest in either those or, heaven help the inevitable, Legos.
Comment by Janet — January 6, 2010 @ 2:02 am
Sorry, Janet. But Legos are coming. Can’t stop it. Might as well embrace it. Haven’t you read Sophie’s World? They are the perfect toy.
Comment by Danielle Mouritsen — January 6, 2010 @ 2:26 am
The unsanitary doesn’t always look it; neither does the clean-enough-to-be-healthy always look like what it’s suppose to be.
I think that the less time I use for cleaning the house, the better. I think there are more useful things to do with that time. Like serving my neighbor, thereby making sure that the name that I covenanted to take upon me is not just pretty words.
Comment by Velska — January 6, 2010 @ 9:16 am
you think the men *fret* about this stuff?
i think not.
listen to us!!!
Comment by mfranti — January 6, 2010 @ 10:17 am
I absolutely love having an immaculate house, but other things are more important.
Instead, I have a generally clean house and an immaculate living room, which is enough for mental peace and leaves more time for reading.
We show what is most important by what we spend time on. Outside of work, I spend more time on books, friends, school, exercise and church than I do on a clean house, but more time cleaning my house than watching TV, doing freelance work or writing papers for publication. That’s a pretty good breakdown of what I value.
Comment by Katie P. — January 6, 2010 @ 10:21 am
My husband knows that when I get weepy that it’s time to help me with the house. It has always effected me… even as a child if the house was a mess my grades went down (ask my mom). When I get weepy, it’s cause I’m overwhelmed, I want the house manageable…. and after that every other thing I’m failing at jumps out at me. Heaven forbt I don’t finish ALL my project RIGHT THIS MOMENT!!!
I have a good hubby though… his mom taught him all the house stuff and when he realizes that I’m overwhelmed he jumps right in and helps. Heck he even taught my 6 yr old son how to clean the tub last weekend! YAY! Great dad and hubby.
Comment by April — January 6, 2010 @ 10:27 am
april, me too
wouldn’t it be nice if the overwhelmed part could be avoided all together?
Comment by mfranti — January 6, 2010 @ 10:30 am
#52 Janet, won’t those golf balls fit in the garbage truck? Now that would be awesome!
Comment by wistfulblue — January 6, 2010 @ 10:35 am
I always feel like I’m behind in my house. My mom kept a really clean house, I loved it. Somehow I always do things other than clean and then think, I should have been cleaning instead. Oh well.
Comment by no name — January 6, 2010 @ 10:53 am
Oh, I’ve got this one down. You just sleep on top of the bed, with a blanket over your comforter (so your comforter doesn’t get those icky sleep germs on it, with extra jammies if it’s cold) and then in the morning, take the sleep blanket off, and you can easily straighten out all the sheets/conforter but untucking from the bottom, pulling it out tight again, and tucking back in. I last until I’m too cold to stand not being under the covers, then I go back to washing the sheets compulsively again…
Comment by Enna — January 6, 2010 @ 11:09 am
anonymous4this, I tidy up when I leave hotels, too. I think it is just respectful and the maids are probably stressed enough as it is; however, I have never even thought about leaving them tips. Maybe I’ll start doing it in the future, heaven knows they probably don’t make much.
Comment by Kiersten — January 6, 2010 @ 11:15 am
When my mother was growing up, my grandmother often spent weeks/months at a time hospitalized. My mother once said that she was so glad when she turned 12 and the state let her run the household instead of sending the children to the orphan home for the duration. She had one older brother and a couple younger siblings and was pretty much the housekeeper/mother to the extreme to prevent being sent away again.
Growing up for me was a lot of keeping the house clean and being organized. Nothing really over the top, but a messy house really bugged my mother. She realized when she had grandchildren that she never really learned how to just “play” and that she had thought being a good mother was keeping the house clean etc. None of her children keep as clean a house. She says that she is fine with that because she has taught us how to clean, and she doesn’t have to live in our houses.
My house is somewhat cluttered and very lived in. Getting my house in order is a journey for me. I wouldn’t drink from my toilets, but I don’t have a problem using them. With a son, I do check that the one bathroom is “safe” before people use it, because who knows what has gotten on the seat since it was swished.
I am paranoid about dead food and basic hygiene. My teenage daughter spent her first few years in filth, and she really doesn’t get the need for cleanliness. In ten years she will probably post that she had a mean psycho freak clean mother - and that’s why she is messy. I do room checks for my sanity and the health of our family. I have removed all of her possessions for several weeks at a time leaving her with her needs met, but nothing else. She is required to strip her bed each day and fold her blankets in a pile on the mattress. She then remakes her bed each night. She has no qualm about sleeping in molding food, and has often left used sanitary pads between her sheets. We’ve also had to deal with food bugs - that later migrate- in her room on several occasions. I can handle clutter, clothes on the floor, paper messes, but NOT that level of filth.
It took three years to convince DH that he really wanted hardwood throughout the house we were building. I do not have the motivation required to properly care for carpet. I have a basic chore list for each day. If I get the item done, I check it off. If I don’t- I put a slash through the box and I can tell how many weeks in a row I have skipped a chore (like dusting the stair railing) and prioritize differently the next week.
Our tree is still up. It is a full, lovely 9′ fir. It’s needles are a more pale green than before, but they are mostly still intact. It was my gift this year and I’m leaving it up until it really looks terrible. I think DH would love to have it down already. He’s hinted that I might come home one day to find it in the fireplace.
Comment by JC — January 6, 2010 @ 11:30 am
Tipping the housekeepers at a motel, always. Especially if staying for more than one night. I hate to clean the bathroom in my own home (that’s dh’ job) and yet they have to do it over and over. They deserve it.
Comment by numi — January 6, 2010 @ 11:40 am
There are lots of things that can make a house smell bad regardless of how clean it is. It is common for people not to notice how their own house smells. Pet smells disappear to the householder as do cooking spices, mold or other dampness. A really dirty house has visible dirt and the bathrooms are awful. Sometimes taking out the kitchen trash will get rid of that difficult to identify smell.
It a bad smell doesn’t necessarily mean a house is filthy underneath. And how does one get rid of the underneath dirt without taking care of what is underneath on a regular basis?
Comment by Claudia — January 6, 2010 @ 12:20 pm
I clean up the hotel room before I leave, too. It just seems like common courtesy. But, what would you do about this? While we were traveling, my 9 year old got a bloody nose in the middle of the night. When we woke up, there was dry blood all over two pillowcases, the sheets and mostly the nice white comforter. I rinsed and scrubbed with soap all I could while DH was getting mad at me because he wanted to leave (it was past 5 a.m. after all). I was still rinsing and scrubbing while he loaded all the kids in the car. I left it all in the bathtub and hoped they could get it out. I’m sure they’ve seen worse, but still. I hate being the person who left bloody bedding at a hotel.
Lupita, I want a friend like you!
If my house gets past a certain point of ick, or if I get overwhelmed by the mess, I shut down, too. I mentally can’t handle it.
The stories I could tell about my grandma’s and mother’s homes . . . But, I won’t (just in case they ever read this. I don’t want to embarass them too much).
Comment by Stephanie — January 6, 2010 @ 12:34 pm
Claudia #68 - I regularly take a deep breath of fresh air before I walk into my house just to check for smells. I am paranoid about having a stinky house.
Comment by Stephanie — January 6, 2010 @ 12:35 pm
I’m OCD about cleanliness. Not germs - I like germs - but organization. My worst experience was renting a 100-year-old house. That thing never got clean. Ever. I swore that when I had my own house we would not have a spot of carpet in the whole thing. It would be hard to overstate how much I hate carpet. Or big houses.
We live in a smaller house now and sometimes I walk through it feeling as if the weight of messes and disorganization and STUFF is piling on me like an avalanche. I experience a physical feeling of panic and anxiety in my chest when things are out of place. Did I mention that I have 3- and 4-year-old children? And I really don’t want them to grow up to be obsessive-compulsive like me? I’ve already infected my partner, who now cleans for stress relief just like me.
I wish I could just let it go, joke about messes and dirt and space abuse. I truly envy that. When I was a SAHM my OCD really got out of control. I’d spend hours every day cleaning while my kid(s) came along behind me undoing my work. My children have forced me to lower my standards somewhat. Well, that’s not true. My standards are the same. I’ve just learned to breathe through it because they should be able to wreck the house occasionally.
Comment by Chandelle — January 6, 2010 @ 1:03 pm
chandelle, i’m upstairs making some food and thinking about this old small house and how if one (OR 5) thing is out of place, it’s cluttered.
and if there’s a bit of dust or a speck of food on the on the trim/baseboards/cabinets, they look filthy because there’s 60+ years of paint and dirt on them and my thoughts turned to you in the brick house down yonder and how YOU MANAGED.
my house is not filthy. i clean all the time. it’s just not new and showroom perfect. newer houses look cleaner. even when they’re messy.
Comment by mfranti — January 6, 2010 @ 1:19 pm
re: 58
Some do. I had a college roomie who was pretty obsessive about cleanliness.
I wonder how many men don’t fret about this because it simply was not part of their cultural indoctrination.
And certainly not all women fret about cleanliness. I inherited my packratitude and my cluttered nature from my Mom. She hated cleaning. Dad was much more strict than Mom was about things being straightened and neat (is that any surprise, Numi?
). Mom fretted about it from time to time, but usually not enough to do anything about it.
(not that things were dirty in a biohazards sense; dishes were done, bathrooms were cleaned more or less regularly. There was just always a lot of junk lying around)
And my brother and I were angels compared to my sisters. The floors were rarely visible, and the bulk of the clothes were kept there instead of the closet.
Comment by Derek — January 6, 2010 @ 2:15 pm
Toys with little pieces don’t bug me. Little pieces are easy to clean up in a hurry. When we lived in a tiny apartment with no backyard, I had a jar of dry black beans for my boys to play with. They would use it like sand. The only problem was when my 2 year old stuck one up his nose. I had to have his pediatrician pull it out.
Much more bothersome to me is play doh (currently have dried play-doh stuck into the brick on my fireplace. Can’t figure out how to get it off) and moon sand. Who invented moon sand?!?!? We have a sandbox, so why in the world did grandparents give my kids moonsand? It comes with a little mat for playing in. Ha ha ha ha ha. As if kids will keep sand on a neat little mat. It is going to take me an hours to clean up the mess my 2 year old just made while I was wasting time on the computer.
Comment by Stephanie — January 6, 2010 @ 2:20 pm
Besides, moonsand kind of smells like a newborn’s dirty diaper.
Comment by Stephanie — January 6, 2010 @ 2:21 pm
We got moon sand for christmas. Luckily, every time the kids play with it a little more ends up in the vacuum. Eventually it will be all gone. Next time I’ll know better than to open it in our own house.
Comment by Alliegator — January 6, 2010 @ 2:33 pm
(not that things were dirty in a biohazards sense; dishes were done, bathrooms were cleaned more or less regularly. There was just always a lot of junk lying around)
See, there is a difference between dirt and clutter. I can handle dirt much better than clutter. It’s clutter that makes me panicky.
m, I knew you would know what I meant about that house. By which I mean That House, also known as That Behemoth in SLC. That House has a special place in the mythos of our family now. It’s true that it can be harder to maintain organization in a smaller house, BUT!!! it takes less than an hour to put this house together, even at its worst, whereas it was an all-day project in That House, after which I would still long for institutional padded white.
Comment by Chandelle — January 6, 2010 @ 2:36 pm
(emphasis on the “padded”)
Comment by Chandelle — January 6, 2010 @ 2:37 pm
#48
I LOVE that. Housekeepers have such hard, hard work. I ALWAYS strip my bed before I leave, put all my towels and linens in one pile (that is NOT on the floor, so she doesn’t have to bend over to pick up the heavy load), and straighten out the phone cords/hangers/etc.
I work in a hotel, and I spent one shift working in housekeeping. Believe me, they have their work cut out for them. Not being slobs is the least we can do.
Comment by Natalie K. — January 6, 2010 @ 2:38 pm
After the novelty wears off, this moonsand is going to “disappear”. The only problem is that my kids have caught onto me. When they can’t find a toy, they cry, “Did you throw it away, mom?!?”
Comment by Stephanie — January 6, 2010 @ 2:41 pm
If it was warm, I’d send them outside to play with it. I bet none of it would make it back in.
Comment by Alliegator — January 6, 2010 @ 2:42 pm
As to the general topic….
I have a strict delineation between “gross” mess and “okay” mess.
Dishes caked with old food in the sink? Dirty mess.
Dishes completely rinsed but not yet hand-washed in the sink? Okay mess.
Kitty litter too full? Not okay.
Clean basket of laundry not folded? Okay.
A lot of it is smell. And things that become noticeable. Like, we have all hardwood floors, and if they aren’t relatively clean, our bare feet become caked with crumbs when we walk on them. I also have really terrible, constant allergies, and cutting down on sources of mildew and dust really helps.
If all else fails, I’ve found that making my bed is very important, because if it looks clean and tidy, I feel better about the whole house. Maybe that’s just because I really like sleeping.
Comment by Natalie K. — January 6, 2010 @ 2:46 pm
The only problem is that my kids have caught onto me. When they can’t find a toy, they cry, “Did you throw it away, mom?!?”
Yes, our kids have caught on, too. We have strict policies about our kids’ toys. They have one bookshelf for toys and all toys must fit on that shelf - otherwise they have too many, so the mess becomes gigantic while they don’t really play with anything. So when they get new toys, they have to decide a few things to put away in the closet, and a few things get disappeared. This year we tried to involve the kids in the disappearing by explaining that we were going to give some things away to other children. That worked well until one child mentioned to a grandparent, “We gave away that [horribly irritating and probably lead-contaminated] toy.” Whoops.
Comment by Chandelle — January 6, 2010 @ 2:54 pm
re: 77
Then perhaps its a good thing you never came over to our place…
I’m the opposite. Clutter to some degree makes me comfortable. I feel uncomfortable in places immaculate, like I’m going to mess things up if I touch anything. I guess we aren’t meant to be.
Comment by Derek — January 6, 2010 @ 2:58 pm
Oh man. I lived for short time in a house like this. I was mildly homeless my senior year of high school, and moved in with a friends family.
I literally do not know the color of their basement carpet because I NEVER saw it. It was always covered in clothes (clean or dirty?) spilling from the laundry room, forgotten homework assignments, empty pizza boxes, broken DVDs, dirty dishes, etc. My friend and I used to pay her younger siblings $5-10 to do some basic clean up around the place.
One day we were eating dinner, and one kid knocked over a 2-liter of soda onto the floor. No one cleaned it up. The next day a bag of chips was spilled on the floor, and stepped all over, and no one did anything. So the floor was simultaneously sticky and crunchy. FOR DAYS. I attempted at various times to do the dishes and actually threw up once because of the age-old smells buried beneath the surface. And I distinctly remember one time wishing it wasn’t winter, because I would have preferred to go pee under a tree in the backyard rather than use the bathroom, had it been warm enough.
Ugh. That was an awful period of life. Those poor poor children indeed.
Comment by Natalie K. — January 6, 2010 @ 2:58 pm
To all those who have mentioned FlyLady - How did it help you exactly? I ask because I joined before and she drove me crazy. Keep a towel by my sink and dry it out every time you use it? Really? That’s insanity in my book. So what was I missing? Did I take her too literally?
I was actually just thinking about joining again because my, my somethings gotta change over here, but then went to her website and started remembering all the things that drove me crazy. So I’m trying to understand why it’s helping so many people. What am I missing here?
Comment by Bewitched — January 6, 2010 @ 3:10 pm
what is moonsand?
Comment by mfranti — January 6, 2010 @ 3:12 pm
“you think the men *fret* about this stuff?
i think not.”
well. as with most things, it depends on who you know, and generalizations just don’t work very well. We have all sorts in our extended family…but absolutely the two most fanatical cleaners are men. And it is a mixed blessing. You can imagine.
The men in my immediate vicinity do not fret. Too bad. A little more fretting on their part might be nice. They leave me to it most of the time.
But women are all different too. Suffice it to say I think MORE women than men fret about the cleanliness in the home. And then there are those women who FRET but just don’t seem to see clear how to deal with it, or are so overwhelmed they have conditioned themselves to avoid it.
Comment by Melissa P. — January 6, 2010 @ 3:14 pm
What has helped me find some balance in all of this is thinking that I want my kids to remember that they were happy at home,as opposed to being constantly nagged to clean up.I’m not as cool as I’d like to be,and i think that has seriously dented both my kids and my own creativity.When we’re creating stuff,it is a mess,until it’s done.Since I don’t have the energy for both,i have to choose.And I just hate to fight with my kids,and my DH.They never will see this house in the way that I see it.I spend my life trying to create order out of chaos-I hope someone here will look back and see that as a creative act.
Comment by wayfarer — January 6, 2010 @ 3:25 pm
Moonsand is kind of a cross between sand and playdough. It’s crumbly, but you can squeeze it and it goes clay-like. Of course, if you touch it wrong it crumbles back into sand.
Luckily it vacuums up okay.
Comment by Alliegator — January 6, 2010 @ 3:31 pm
Lisa, this was a fabulous post. Thank you for the laugh. I am perpetually dealing with clutter. We aren’t filthy, but I have a high tolerance for mess. So I totally relate to the, “Well, maybe I AM filthy and just don’t know it….” feeling. One of my best friends in the neighborhood does have a bit of OCD, and that plus her particular situation make it so that they have a very regimented cleaning plan. Her house always looks great. Mine, not so much. I like to blame it on all of my “hobbies” that have their own clutter: homeschooling, keeping pets, cloth diapering, etc. But I’m sure the reality is just that I’m a bit of a hoarder and collector. I am making baby steps in my progress, though. It’s one of my goals for this year to get rid of a lot of stuff. It’s really hard for me, though.
Comment by mindy — January 6, 2010 @ 3:36 pm
Question, how many of you dust your ceiling fan and do you think I am a slob because I have never even once considered it? If I can’t see the dust I pretty much assume it doesn’t exist.
Comment by Tammy — January 6, 2010 @ 4:01 pm
Tammy, when it starts building up on the edges (you see it), that’s when you know it needs to be dusted. Either that or when everyone starts sneezing.
I am thinking of having our air ducts all cleaned this year. I’ve wanted to for a while but haven’t budgeted it in. I think I am going to do it.
Comment by Stephanie — January 6, 2010 @ 4:14 pm
just take a good sheep fur duster to it every few months. easy peasy.
[edit: can you believe that the word wool escaped my head? wool? that stuff i love to wear and make into all sorts of fun things. /sigh]
Comment by mfranti — January 6, 2010 @ 4:21 pm
@ 92:
I dust my ceiling fan twice a year. We live on a dirt road and it gets really gross. We have it constantly going so we really don’t “see” the dust until it’s really built up. It’s a major chore because I refuse to get on a ladder more than 9′ tall, and the fan is up a good 20′. I turn it off, tape a rag to one end of a kayak paddle and gently push the dust off while standing against the loft railing. The day the helium balloon string got wrapped around the fan was really interesting. I had a sharp knife taped to the paddle and had to slice the ribbon very gently. After that episode, balloons can only be in certain parts of the house.
I tried Flylady, but the constant reminders really got annoying, and I don’t ever wear shoes in my house. Some of her ideas are really great though. One major thing is that things don’t have to be perfectly clean- as long as the minimum is done, the method doesn’t really matter. And working for a set time on a project, rather than absolutely having to finish it. Progress is progress, no matter how small.
Comment by JC — January 6, 2010 @ 4:21 pm
Wistfulblue,
How do you know it wasn’t the people looking at the house that did that to the cushions? Wouldn’t that have been a hoot?
Comment by Desert Rat — January 6, 2010 @ 4:30 pm
Baby-proofing, toddler-proofing, and mindfully downsizing has helped me keep my house cleaner. Less stuff, less to clean. I really think that’s the key. I also keep one of those Real Simple cleaning cards (with this checklist) on the fridge to inspire me.
Also, I’m not trying to advocate a so-clean-it’s-unlivable or non-lived-in-look, but I read somewhere that you should take a picture of rooms in your house when they’re clean. Then look at the picture and see if it looks too cluttered. Try comparing it to one of those magazine photos, but one you admire. If there’s too much stuff to get the same effect, get rid of some stuff and redesign a little.
Lisa, I think the cluttered but no (or little) underlying grime/smell/whatever is a good baseline. Just stop and smell your house when you’ve been out for awhile. Does it have That Smell?
Comment by Artemis — January 6, 2010 @ 4:58 pm
Stephanie, aren’t we friends?
If I lived closer, I’d bundle up my four boys and bring them over for hours of cleaning fun. As long as the conversation is good, I enjoy battling someone else’s chaos. To me, the mental strain comes with clutter. Continually sorting (is this important? do I have to do this now? where do I put this so I can remember it in two weeks?) is so draining.
I was at a friend’s house recently and she kept saying how embarrassed she was about how dirty it was and I suggested we clean it if it bothered her so much but she refused, saying she’s never allowed anyone to help her clean. I’m talking dishes and stuff, the basics. I thought it was funny because after my son’s bone marrow transplant she organized a cadre of friends to completely detail my house, from top to bottom. To me, dirt just isn’t personal. We’re all animals, some just hide it better than others.
Comment by Lupita — January 6, 2010 @ 5:14 pm
And, is that the real Danielle Mouritsen? Nice de-lurkification.
Comment by Lupita — January 6, 2010 @ 5:15 pm
Then perhaps its a good thing you never came over to our place…
Nah…I have no problem with the way other people live. It’s my own environment that drives me crazy. It’s actually somewhat of a relief to be in a messy home where I don’t feel compelled to clean everything.
I’m the opposite. Clutter to some degree makes me comfortable. I feel uncomfortable in places immaculate, like I’m going to mess things up if I touch anything.
I definitely do not intend to have my space immaculate and, shall we say, temple-like? I just want a place for everything and everything in that place.
I guess we aren’t meant to be.
Don’t even speak of it! If God will forgive me for that whole atheism thing, I’d certainly request to be one of your wives. Luv is pretty hot, too.
Comment by Chandelle — January 6, 2010 @ 5:21 pm
#64 Enna—That sounds like an incredible idea! One that I could see myself undoubtedly trying out.
This actually reminds me of this weird thing I did as a child. I had a special blanket that I put over my pillow, so I wouldn’t get drool spots on the pillow case! Man, I was kind of a freak as a kid.
#74 Stephanie—My little one LOVES play-doh, He is a very good about keeping the play-doh on his little table most of the time. But he’s only 3 years old, I can’t expect him to never get it on the floor. We have carpet throughout the house, and it’s not uncommon for me to find play-doh smashed into the fibers of the carpet. I go crazy trying to rip that stuff out! You would think a person like me wouldn’t even allow play-doh in my house, but I gotta think about the kid and how he gets so much enjoyment out of it. *sigh*
#98 Lupita—-I’m the same way. I don’t want anyone touching my mess. Just like I mentioned in one of my last comments, I wouldn’t let my grandma do anything for me while she stayed to help with my newborn. That was the whole point of her being there. But still, I just couldn’t let her do my laundry or load the dishwasher, because heaven forbid, she might just do it the WRONG way.
Comment by mk7 — January 6, 2010 @ 6:11 pm
mk7, I apologize for the threadjack, but do we know each other?
Comment by Chandelle — January 6, 2010 @ 6:26 pm
This is my new motto for life!
Comment by Rechabite — January 6, 2010 @ 8:18 pm
I always know, when I walk into a cluttery house, that I’m going to be friends with the inhabitants. They have their priorities straight — they care more about welcoming than anything else.
Comment by Vg — January 6, 2010 @ 8:52 pm
I was helping some old lady clean out her house once and there was a dead cat under this chair, been there for years probably…
Comment by SUNNofaB.C.Rich — January 6, 2010 @ 9:24 pm
I recently stuck a magnet on my fridge that reads “A mind is a terrible thing to waste on housework.” I think it offended my mom.
Danielle — I know Legos are sooo creative and all, but they fit up smaller children’s noses! They stub toes! They break vacuums! (Ok, I hate carpet so that’s really not relevant–we sweep.) They are lagamorphian in their reproductive capacity!
I imagine I’ll have TONS of fun building stuff with Muffin and his hopeful siblings . . . I’m just a such a hopeless klutz that I fear broken limbs in my future, thanks to the small studded storm of plastic nubbins. Especially with the carpet hatred–they don’t skid on carpet. On wood? Skid skid skid. I’m toast.
Comment by Janet — January 6, 2010 @ 9:50 pm
wistfulblue — the practice golf balls won’t ride the auto-lift up the little plastic dumpster into the top of the garbage truck, alas. The “garbage” has to be about the size of a pencil eraser. It’s serious work creating such tiny garbage! Worth it for the Muffin Man, though.
Comment by Janet — January 6, 2010 @ 9:54 pm
I’m online shopping now for organizing items that I need for my condo. We’ve lived here for nearly 4 years, all with the intention to sell soon. We’ll sell soon. Four years later I realize that I LIVE here. There aren’t boxes anymore, but only in the past few months have we moved things around in the house to how we really *like* them, as opposed to “What would look good to a buyer?”. Lame.
So, I never put up the shelving I’ve needed, or bought extraneous organizing things. My house is always cluttered somewhere and I hate it. It really cramps my brain.
I’m ready for everything to have a place.
Comment by ErinAnn — January 6, 2010 @ 11:09 pm
Hey Lupita - Yes, tis I. I have a New’s Resolution to stop my past 5+ years of lurk-only, no-comment policy on FMH and actually post some thoughts. Nice goal, eh? I’m starting small though, as you see.
Janet, my dear, with legos, the key is containment. I can honestly say I’ve never tripped on a lego in my home, but then again I have no aversion to carpet. Actually, I think containment is the key with keeping clutter at bay as well. Daily, and in small doses. If you let it add up, it will suck you under. And I likes me a nice, type-A, no-clutter home. Too bad dh is Mr. Type B who feels no sense of moral outrage at collections of random objects or small piles on various surfaces. Sometimes I think I could easily subscribe to gender essentialism when I cast about and realize that this scenario repeats itself in most of the relationships I’m aware of.
Nice magic underwear story, btw…
Comment by Danielle Mouritsen — January 7, 2010 @ 5:04 am
legos in our house belong in the bedroom of the owner. If I find them elsewhere they are thrown away. That is how I keep the rest of the house toddler safe, and allow my children the greatness of legos.
my houseselling story…
Our first house, the first showing was when hsubnad was out of town. I scurry like mad, each child picked up their “Area” and scooped things into two laundry baskets (mock at will if you need to). We left and I felt good…until I came back. my son had written post it notes all over his bedroom and stuck them there after I had checked the down stairs. They said things like “my room $100″ “sister’s room $5″, “my bed $50″ “brother’s bed free”-stuff like that…and to get INTO that room. He had taken the mattress pads OFF of the bunk bed and made an arch, for lack of a better word. The arch wasn’t bad to walk through assuming the prospective buyer and realtor were about 4ft tall.
When I saw that I immediately started praying that somehow we would get a buyer with a sense of humor and that it would somehow happen quickly before I kill my children…that first buyer-the one who had gone through the arch-he bought the house.
a dead cat…wow
Comment by britt — January 7, 2010 @ 10:33 am
Janet - Legos are great! Best toy system we ever invested in - wait until Muffin is old enough for Lego Mindstorms! All four of my kids have a geeky/engineering streak and happily spend hours building with them, even my Dad (retired Engineering Prof.) comes over to build with them. We bought big bulk lots of them on eBay so we have a wide variety of speciality pieces. As long as you do set boundaries/containment with them, everyone will be happy. We limit their use to a Nilo table in the family/play room. It has a lip around the top that keeps all the Legos contained and off the floor. We store them in two small plastic dresser-type things we bought at Costco or Shopko (yes, we have that many Legos). Each has about 6 drawers of various depths, is about 3 feet tall, and is on wheels so it can be tucked away in the corner when they’re done. Any Legos found on the floor (that are too big to suck up in the vacuum) are put in the penalty box and they have to do special jobs to get them back. The kids know the rule and are all really good about keeping them contained to the defined area.
Comment by kimbobim — January 7, 2010 @ 12:51 pm
We have a lego table, too. It has small drawers, but we have a big plastic box with a lid we keep the legos in.
One bummer thing about my kids and legos is that after they get a cool new expensive set (not from us, we won’t buy them anymore, and when we did buy them, it was from Ross where they are pretty cheap) and build it one time, then they start to lose pieces and mix them in with the rest. At first, I spent HOURS making sure that each different Star Wars and Spiderman set made it into its own little tupperware so we wouldn’t lose a single piece. And then I gave up.
Comment by Stephanie — January 7, 2010 @ 1:05 pm
One thing I am really trying to learn (with my kids, my mom, people I serve at church, etc.) is that if it doesn’t matter to YOU, it doesn’t matter to ME. Kind of hard with my controlling impulse to have everything perfect. But, all it does is drive both of us crazy otherwise.
Comment by Stephanie — January 7, 2010 @ 1:07 pm
Marigold got Legos for Christmas from Santa. They’re the big duplo ones, and she loves them. We just clean them up when she’s done. Singing a cleanup song helps… One little, two little, three little legos, four little, five little, six little legos….
Comment by Artemis — January 7, 2010 @ 1:07 pm
Truth be told, my 9 and 7 year olds still play with the duplos more than the regular legos.
Comment by Stephanie — January 7, 2010 @ 1:07 pm
The kids get new sets, put them together, and keep them on a shelf in their room for awhile. They the pieces all end up in one big storage tub. Every once in awhile my Mister will go through and pull out pieces for the kids to put a certain set together. It’s too hard to keep them separate.
Comment by Alliegator — January 7, 2010 @ 1:08 pm
“At the worst, a house unkept cannot be so distressing as a life unlived.” –Dame Rose Macaulay
6 kids, big house, 5 acres of dirt, part-time job, quilting obsession, blind-to-the-mess husband: rarely if ever is the whole thing clean. I love a clean house, but I’m not that great of a manager over it, and I just don’t want to take a whole lot of time on it. I’ve usually got clutter, and sometimes I even have ick until I get around to de-ickifying. I am somewhat scheduled as to what gets cleaned when, so I know that eventually I’ll get to whatever it is that needs cleaning . . . . more time for sewing!
Comment by Idahospud — January 7, 2010 @ 3:07 pm
Stephanie - we started out buying the sets and storing them separately, too. But then pieces would get lost or broken, weeping and wailing, etc. Then I bought a few bulk lots from eBay - they’re listed by the pound! Great stuff. Our son does have a few of the fancy-pants Star Wars sets, but he has them displayed on his ’special’ shelf where his sisters can’t get them. When I’m feeling particularly obsessive I’ll sit down and sort the pieces into the drawers and label them (people & acessories, plates, hinges & axels, by size, etc.). Anal, I know.
Spud, I love that quote! I’m printing it out and taping it by my kitchen sink, right next to the mantra I recite to my children 87 times a day: “Boredom is a matter of choice, not circumstance.” And, your 5 acres of dirt sounds so great right now - the seed catalogs are arriving in the mail almost daily - woohoo!
Comment by kimbobim — January 7, 2010 @ 4:18 pm
Ha! kimbobim, I love your quote, too. I always tell my kids what my grandma told me: “Only boring people are bored.” Shuts ‘em right up.
I have a Lego-obsessed son, too–I just love what he comes up with! We don’t try and keep the sets together–he has some tubs that he sorts them out into by whatever method his brain thinks is appropriate. I often look on Amazon for sets for birthdays and Christmas, because I can often find some adult collector selling a set that still has the box, instructions, and every piece–sometimes for more than half off retail.
Comment by Idahospud — January 7, 2010 @ 7:32 pm
we buys some sets, but after we saw how they use them we buy bulk or specialty-go to lego.com and get the exact piece you want. My son would look at the sets and put it together once, then take it apart and use the pieces he wanted to build another pod racer or robot…he looks at lego sets for pieces he wants to build those two things.
Comment by britt — January 7, 2010 @ 7:51 pm
I am like the friend who had an OCD Neat Freak Mother! She carried her Freakish ways into my house every time she would visit. So now, I make a point to not clean when she is coming and if she makes comments, I remind her how happy my children are and am descriptive in the activities my family engages in - something there was little time for while growing up.
My mothers comments have carried into our relationship and now even if she says nothing, i am sure she was implying something with the looks she throws towards the dishes, floors etc. But I also don’t take offense to her doing my dishes in a huff - and I also don’t thank her if she is verbally nasty about doing them, after all, I never ask her to do anything in my home.
Comment by shakti — January 7, 2010 @ 11:38 pm
Oh Britt, if I had been the prospective buyer, I’d have wanted to buy the house even if I’d hated it, just *because* of the adorable kid antics! How stinking cute is THAT? What a cutie!
Comment by Janet — January 8, 2010 @ 2:36 am
Thanks for all the Lego containment suggestions, everyone! I’m going to have to print them out for later, because I know they . . . are . . . coming . . .
And chances are I’m going to play with them, too.
Comment by Janet — January 8, 2010 @ 11:12 pm
Janet, I promise you will happily succumb to legos when you see how much Muffin loves them. And, better yet, how he will play with them for hours! My son often tries to sleep with his latest creations on his bed. I sneak in later and move them to the floor.
Comment by mindy — January 10, 2010 @ 3:47 am