Occupation: Feminist Housewife
So I’m doing the taxes and once again I face the dilemma of the box. Occupation? It asks me, and I’m not really comfortable with any of my options.
I don’t believe I have ever written ‘housewife’ nor ‘domestic goddess’ nor ‘SAHM’ nor ‘home engineer’ in a box. Partly because I pretty much hate all the options. They all seem sexist, condescending, pretentious, grasping, pitiful, or all of the above. But also partly because I’m not eager (despite the title of this blog) to label my ‘occupation’ as wife and mother. This can’t be a healthy attitude, either about what I do, nor how I label it.
For the last six or seven years I guess I could have boxed myself as “pre-school teacher”, something I was for about eight hours a week. But I never did so, mostly because I never did nor never will want to be a preschool teacher (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
So what’s in my box? Well in a mix of convenient half-truth and wishful thinking my box usually says “writer”. It started almost a decade ago, when I first became a member of the unpaid caregiver class, I wrote a few freelance articles for a few small papers, and imagined that I would pursue this further, perhaps supplement our income, but bogged down in diapers and seriously lacking in practical ambition, I seemed to have taken up the highly lucrative profession of blogging instead.
So to satisfy my curiosity if you too dwell in the (mostly) unpaid caregiver class answer this poll:
Exactly how do you usually tidily box your work?
I work with my husband on our weird small business — he makes balloon art. I do a lot of the bookkeeping, the business card and website design, marketing strategy, etc. And the taxes. So what on earth is my job title supposed to be? I need to figure this out soon, since I want to get the filing done and over with. And why do they need to care, anyway?
I can promise one thing, though — I’m not putting down housewife.
Comment by Melynna — February 10, 2010 @ 2:45 am
“Student.” That’s how we’ve been filling in the tax occupation box for a while now.
Before that… “Interpreter.”
Before that… “Mother.”
It’s an awesome Wednesday… keep up the good work sisters and brothers!
Comment by Mary Magdalene — February 10, 2010 @ 3:09 am
Housewife/mother is a noble (and these days high-status) profession.
Comment by djinn — February 10, 2010 @ 3:19 am
That is because it is sexist. Most language has a condescending tone to the work that women do. Although, if it were my spouse, they’d probably say something like “Most Awesome Ruler”.
Comment by Keth — February 10, 2010 @ 4:23 am
I’ve always put “homemaker” thinking it was the official title we were supposed to give as opposed to SAHM or housewife. The truth is, given that the IRS probably doesn’t really care what we label ourselves if there’s no income to show for it, I think we should be creative. Maybe this time I’ll put “The Center of my Two Year Old’s Universe”, “The Wind Beneath My Husband’s Wings”, or “My Kids’ Cheerleader”… although “Most Awesome Ruler” sounds pretty good too, Keth (#4).
Comment by Ahhh... — February 10, 2010 @ 5:15 am
Honestly, I don’t think I have had a year in which I didn’t bring in at least a little income, so I generally give some title that explains how I made that money.
But if that doesn’t tickle yourself, how about “Volunteer”–that describes most SAHMs I know. I would be happy to write “Mother,” too.
Comment by ESO — February 10, 2010 @ 7:48 am
Dear All,
I was just wondering if it is allowed for a Mormon woman to marry a Muslim man. I am muslim and I hear alot of good things about mormonism.
I will appreciate a quick reply.
Sincerely,
Zak
Comment by TheLastSamurai — February 10, 2010 @ 8:02 am
Even though I work outside the home full-time, I consider the near full-time job I do inside the home to be equally important. How about the title “human relations/household manager” or “life coach” or “coordinator.” I like the idea of using professional language to convey the respect you have for yourself and the value of your contributions. I say this sincerely since I always wanted to be able to be home full-time but it didn’t work out in my case. Although, sometimes when I’m exhausted I don’t find the job description (personal servant 24/7) so appealing! (No offense intended) My mother was a homemaker and she put herself heart and soul into creating a warm, cozy, loving atmosphere. So much of what she did was wonderful and nurturing. I was very lucky in a lot of ways.
Who cares that it doesn’t bring in money. If a doctor volunteers his services during an emergency in a post-disaster situation (like in Haiti, more recently), the value of his contribution isn’t lost because it’s unpaid. It’s extremely valuable regardless, especially to those being impacted directly by the service.
Comment by Ladyship — February 10, 2010 @ 8:40 am
Last year I was a full time student for the first 6 months. So, I imagine I will go with student. I work extremely part time tutoring and since that is my income, I imagine this year I’ll go with tutor, unless I manage to sell my novel.
Comment by tami — February 10, 2010 @ 8:42 am
“Eternal graduate student” ?
Comment by ZD Eve — February 10, 2010 @ 8:58 am
When I was a stay-at-home mom, that is how I identified myself. Not as a housewife, because I wasn’t married to the house. I have always been a flaming liberal feminist, and have also always been proud to be a stay-at-home mom. I don’t see how those labels contradict each other; in my little world, they complement each other. I don’t see “stay-at-home mom” as a sexist or demeaning term. If other people (government, church, etc.) see it that way, that is their problem. Of course, maybe this is different for me, because by the time my rugrats came along, I’d already had my education and years of a paid career, so for me, I did not feel my self-esteem threatened by my new role. (I am not saying *you* felt your self-esteem threatened by being a SAHM, just that I did not.)
Comment by Jennifer Vaughn Breinholt — February 10, 2010 @ 9:21 am
You know, I just realized that my last post sounded a little snotty. Sorry, I didn’t mean it to be. I just meant that I think that because being a SAHM mom doesn’t “look” like a career (it doesn’t technically require higher education, there is no paycheck, you get spit-up and poop on you), and a career = self-esteem (in many cultures), then maybe being a SAHM –> less self-esteem. So, IMO, a woman can either get self-esteem by buying into the culture’s ideas of self-esteem (in this case, get a career), or she can disregard the culture’s idea of self-esteem and find satisfaction and be proud of being a SAHM.
I hope *this* post sounds better.
Comment by Jennifer Vaughn Breinholt — February 10, 2010 @ 9:33 am
I like your post Jennifer (11 & 12). I feel the same way. I went to college, worked and then became a mom, and all three were my choice. I love what I do, I may not get paid, but that doesn’t make me worth “less”. I do like the idea in #6 - this year I’m writing in Volunteer
Comment by Jessica M. — February 10, 2010 @ 9:52 am
I think homemaker is preferable to housewife. Lisa, if I were you, I would say “writer.”
Comment by Ann — February 10, 2010 @ 10:15 am
on tax forms, i would not suggest listing a career that you are not in etc because that could lead to an audit where they are looking for hidden income
Comment by StillConfused — February 10, 2010 @ 10:20 am
#7 - it’s allowed, just not ideal. Just like it’s not ideal for a Muslim to marry a Mormon or a Jew to marry a Catholic.
Most religions advise marrying within your own belief system.
Everyone else- I put homemaker… the same thing my husband would put if he worked almost exclusively in keeping our home and family running.
Comment by April — February 10, 2010 @ 10:30 am
I have no problem with “homemaker.” I feel like very aptly describes what I do.
I work in a home more than a house, even if much of the work I do is keeping the physical house running smoothly. But while someone could be paid to mop floors or do laundry, only I (or Dad) can notice when my teenager is acting differently and needs to talk, or know my 3rd grader well enough to match her interests and enthusiasms to a science fair project, or gush over my 1st graders painting.
And the “maker” part implies individuality and creativity to me. I have many “homemaker” friends; we all seem to do it differently. Even the “house” part. We all seem to have differing tolerances for cleanliness, tidiness, and organization and yet we muddle through. We find enjoyment in the “homemaking” from the different places where we can put a bit of ourselves. Self expression can be found in decorating, baking, sewing, gardening, planning, community service.
I realize not everyone feels fulfilled by “homemaking,” so I’m glad women have choices and can find support for those choices.
Comment by TXgirl — February 10, 2010 @ 10:31 am
When I was lucky enough to be a SAHM I got the “look” from those that weren’t, in my opinion, as lucky as I was. So I quit telling folks that didn’t know me what my “true” profession/calling was and gave them this line instead:
I’m the founder and director of a privately funded educational program for talented and gifted children. Ooh! Aah! And then I would “gently” explain exactly what that meant. Bigger smiles on their part. Not a lie on mine!
Comment by Robi — February 10, 2010 @ 10:43 am
As long as we’re quibbling about titles… this whole “homemaker” thing has been bothering me for a while now.
I have a part-time job, and I’m a full-time student, but I’m still a “homemaker,” by every description given here: I clean, I take care of my daughter, I fix meals– and frankly, I do a “better” job than many women I know who exclusively stay home (judging by cleanliness of my home, behavior of my kid, or the quality- ahem- of my meals). So “homemaker” as a title for someone who doesn’t get a paycheck outside the home seems a little exclusionist and incredibly imprecise to me. As does listing “Mother”– I’m a mother too! And a wife, and a volunteer, etc. etc. My hubby takes care of the kid and the home while I’m working– but when I get home, he closes himself up in his office for his consulting business. Neither of us is a full time stay at home parent. But, one or the other of us is always “homemaking.”
Comment by Rose — February 10, 2010 @ 11:11 am
I wish I had the confidence as Jennifer (posts 11 and 12). I know it would be healthier for me if I could proudly say Stay at Home Parent but since my educational background is something I use daily at home, I always put “Behavior Analyst”.
Comment by juniper — February 10, 2010 @ 11:22 am
Or, you can just leave that line blank (it’s not required), which is what I do, because I have way too many occupations to fit into that little space.
Comment by CatherineWO — February 10, 2010 @ 11:25 am
Good point StillConfused #15.
I always use Homemaker and smile bravely when I am dictating it to someone (like at the dr. office paperwork). I wish I had the self-assurance of Jennifer in #11-12. I do think there is something to the idea of having a career first. I try to remind myself that there is still lots of time to have one later.
Secretly, I want to use something with the acronym MBA - like “Memory Building Administrator”, but I don’t think I necessarily have the personality. I’d rather just convey what I do quickly and simply - “Homemaker” is pretty universally recognized (at least in the U.S.), and I like it much better than SAHM.
Comment by Stephanie — February 10, 2010 @ 11:34 am
I found out the hard way not to put my “work for which you’re qualified/educated/ambitious but not (much) actively engaged” down because not only did the IRS audit us looking for my income, but I had put it on some form that got back to our health insurance and then had to prove I was “unemployed.” Nasty stuff for a while. Now, at 54, I put student, which I am, even though I am doing a paid internship.
Comment by Karen — February 10, 2010 @ 11:37 am
skip the “home” part of homemaker and just put in ‘maker’. It accurately covers every activity from making babies to cookies to stories. It never even has to be changed, for when the kids grow up you can be a maker of money if you want, or come Valentines day be a maker of whoopie.
Comment by Betty Jo — February 10, 2010 @ 11:50 am
I don’ t do taxes. I let someone else fill in the form.
Comment by Claudia — February 10, 2010 @ 11:53 am
Okay, Karen, you’ve convinced me.
Comment by Stephanie — February 10, 2010 @ 11:55 am
Betty Jo has another brilliant idea. Love it.
Comment by Reese Dixon — February 10, 2010 @ 11:57 am
How about facilitator because the job description is making everyone else’s life and pursuits possible? Or ombudswoman?
Comment by Withheld — February 10, 2010 @ 12:09 pm
Ugh. My answers vary depending on my mood. I have up until this year worked in some capacity outside the home and usually put that job. It’s probably a personality thing for me since I felt like it was rather inadequate even when I was checking the student box (don’t you want to know what kind of student I am?). Like I felt some real need to explain who I really was–to tax people, my dentist, my son’s school…as if they care
Comment by Lupita — February 10, 2010 @ 12:42 pm
You are what you decide to be (I think) — a doctor is a doctor even if he/she isn’t practicing, right? So if you are a writer - you could write that.
But there is honor in being a mother too.
Comment by Bobby Pin Natalie — February 10, 2010 @ 12:45 pm
lisa~ activist
Comment by mfranti — February 10, 2010 @ 12:55 pm
Excellent point, Bobby Pin Natalie. I’ve been thinking about this ever since I wrote my comment. Why do I feel shame when I say I am a Homemaker? If I were a “child care worker” or “nanny”, I wouldn’t feel shame. Caring for my own children entails so much more but I esteem it less? How can I ever expect for the work of caring for children to be highly regarded if I don’t regard it highly myself? How do I expect to convince men to want to do it if I always apologize for doing it? Caring for our children is very important work. I need to say it a million times. I have a new found resolve to proudly write in Homemaker every chance I get.
Comment by Stephanie — February 10, 2010 @ 1:04 pm
I actually faced this on Monday. I finished my PhD in December, and we decided that since we were having a baby in January, the 3,000 bucks I could make teaching just plain wasn’t worth it for the spring semester. So for the first time in my life - well, since I threw a tantrum at age 2 and got myself into preschool - I’m not a student. And then I took my baby for her first pediatrician’s visit, and had to fill out all the paperwork about my husband and I. I had no idea what to list as my occupation; I think I put teacher, since if I don’t become a professor, that is what I will be doing come September, but it was an existential crisis in the doctor’s office waiting room, particularly since I haven’t been at this staying at home thing long enough to have internalized it. I’d have felt like a fraud putting anything other than “just out of the hospital first time mom who’s scared she’s going to ruin this perfect little person.” And that hardly seems like it would fit on the line on the form.
Luckily, for all of the fiscal year, I was a student, so I can put that down on the tax forms. And start worrying about next year
But thanks for the timely post!
Comment by Beth — February 10, 2010 @ 1:09 pm
Wow. Double congratulations, Beth!
Comment by Lupita — February 10, 2010 @ 1:25 pm
I filled out an application for a furniture purchase loan…free interest for one year…and the sales man said to put down CFO as I pay the bills and manage the family finances…even though right now I’m not bringing them in. DH was not there to sign the application, so I had to put down something and listed the family income. I do think the comment about not getting to fancy on the tax returns and sparking an audit might be a thought, but many of us with only one income don’t have any hidden income for them to find anyway. I heard on the radio that small businesses income reporting or losses, or reporting business profits but not drawing a salary are the two biggest triggers.
Comment by GatoraideMomma — February 10, 2010 @ 1:32 pm
In #28, Withheld wrote
I think that this is a very useful way to think about it… does your labour in the home assist and/or benefit others?
I am not married. I don’t have children. I still have to cook, clean, do laundry, decorate, take out the rubbish, grocery shop, pay all the bills, pay my mortgage, fix leaky faucets, maintain the garden, install shelving, maintain my car, etc or I have to pay someone to do those things for me. Is my occupation a housewife? (rhetorical.)
Comment by barmy stoat — February 10, 2010 @ 1:35 pm
I’m tempted to put “Rabble Rouser” in the blank.
Comment by TopHat — February 10, 2010 @ 1:38 pm
barmy stoat, that’s a good point. The whole reason to stay at home (at least for me) is to care for the kids. That is the focus - not the housework (in fact, the housework rarely gets done during the day - probably because I spend too much time on FMH. Or because I already changed 5 poopy diapers this morning and it’s only noon)
Comment by Stephanie — February 10, 2010 @ 1:43 pm
I would just echo stillconfused no. 15. The instructions don’t give any guidance on how to fill in that box, but I absolutely would not put something in there that suggests production of income when in fact there isn’t any. If you’re a homemaker don’t put “engineer” on the theory that you consider what you do domestic engineering. The little boost to your self-esteem isn’t worth the audit you might trigger. If you don’t like homemaker, I like the suggestion above of “volunteer,” mainly because it won’t trip any audit wires.
Comment by Kevin Barney — February 10, 2010 @ 1:45 pm
I like peacemaker…I don’t think it really matters though. as long as society, including some feminists don’t value motherhood or any domestic work, it doesn’t matter what you put in the box. Mnay other volunteer roles are valued-it’s not a money issue…it’s lack of appreciation for a miraculous and very challenging work that is fundamental to society.
Comment by britt — February 10, 2010 @ 1:56 pm
In the years when I’ve made no money (the last four), I’ve called myself a stay-at-home mom. In the years when I was working, even when it was very part-time, I felt like I could call myself a teacher. Even though I’ve done writing in the interim and had some work published, there was definitely a negative income thing going on during those years. This year I’ve made a whopping $240 so far, and I’ve done it doing something writing-related, so I feel like I could put “writer” down there and be justified. But I feel like the IRS is looking for “what you did that made you money” instead of “how you self-identify.”
Comment by Shelah — February 10, 2010 @ 1:57 pm
I put homemaker. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable because it was a jointly made decision that for this stage of our life I would be home while pregnant & nursing babies. I’m thankful that this was an option and that we didn’t both need to work outside jobs. I’ve had friends express to me their envy that I can be home - I know they are doing the homemaking work PLUS an outside job and I admire how they balance so much. My husband works half days at an office/half days at home so he can be here to help with all the chaos that is homeschooling five young kids. I know he doesn’t feel that his outside job title appropriately expresses how he identifies himself either, but I figure the IRS is only interested if it’s relevant to our taxes.
Comment by heidelade — February 10, 2010 @ 2:01 pm
heidelade, I am so supremely jealous.
Comment by Stephanie — February 10, 2010 @ 2:04 pm
Well, since the IRS is all about INCOME taxes, I put down whatever earned me my income. When I was a SAHM and didn’t have a personal income to report, I put none. No occupation. My occupation is how I earn money, not much more than that. I think the IRS is mostly concerned with how we get our money.
OTOH, I had a friend who would put Electric Guitarist down, because he had no real job and just liked to jam a lot, so I suppose anything goes.
Comment by meems — February 10, 2010 @ 2:36 pm
I self-identify as a (mental health) counselor. Even though the work I do is as an unpaid volunteer, it qualifies for my license. I find this easy to explain to the IRS but it sounds akward during introductions. If I say I volunteer, people gloss over it as irrelevant. Because I am the type of person who needs a professional interest in addition to mothering to stay sane, I don’t feel that saying SAHM reflects who I am.
My 2 1/2 year old, who recently discovered playing cards, declared himself “King” and me “Jack.” I clarified, “You’re a King and I’m an Ace.” Hmm. Now that, I would like to declare on my taxes!
Comment by Ace — February 10, 2010 @ 2:56 pm
So is “working” for moms who earn a paycheck. The hardest work I ever did was in my years at home with kids.
Comment by Naismith — February 10, 2010 @ 3:12 pm
My editor was taken aback when the bio note at the end of my columns described myself as a “mother, grandmother, and researcher.” He tried to “help” by changing that order to put researcher first. I insisted that he do it the way I want.
I consider the roles of importance in that order, and I want the credits listed that way.
I guess I don’t understand why…
I think it is very healthy to be comfortable with who you are and what you do.
I hate “SAHM” and never used it, because it does NOT describe what I did as a parent. I didn’t stay at home, I worked there!
Comment by Naismith — February 10, 2010 @ 3:26 pm
I agree that you should definitely be careful about what you put on your income tax. Only put “writer” or “life coach” if you have income from it. Otherwise it might trigger an audit because you “forgot” to claim the income from your occupation.
I usually say SAHM or when I fill out a form I say mom or N/A but I checked my tax return and it says homemaker. Not I term I ever use normally.
Comment by jks — February 10, 2010 @ 3:34 pm
I am not a SAHM, but if I was I think I would consider myself a Professional Household Engineer (currently doing pro-bono work).
I am a full-time mom who also works outside of my home and I can honestly say I think my SAHM friends work harder than I do. I have an automatic excuse to get out of doing stuff, “I work, sorry!”
My best friend Mel has 4 kids and a zillion church responsibilities. She feels like she can’t say no to anything because she is a SAHM. She and I do scouts together, but she does most of the work lets be honest! And she is the Primary secretary, AND she is on the activity committee, AND he hubby is 2nd in the Bishopric, AND she has 3 kids at home all day (one nursing infant) and one in school. AND she somehow manages to get a made from scratch dinner on the table every night and gets her daughter to do her homework AND says its no big deal to pick up my son from Pre-K.
I don’t know how she does it all and stays sane, she is amazing (or crazy) could be both!
Comment by AmazonaWomona — February 10, 2010 @ 3:37 pm
AmazonWomona, I didn’t realize you are in scouts, too.
Comment by Stephanie — February 10, 2010 @ 3:41 pm
I always hated “homemaker” (sounds like I stay home and sew and can all day, two things I can’t stand and am horrible at) but Stay At Home Mom didn’t bug me quite as much. Now I’m not sure what my label is. My kids are all in school all day for the first time this year, so am I now “Stay at Home Alone Mom”?
I’m back in school now but only part time, I actually only have one class this semester. Calling myself “student” sounds like I’m giving myself a compliment I don’t quite deserve yet.
Comment by Cindy — February 10, 2010 @ 4:10 pm
I’m not a SAHM, but just wanted to say I don’t think there’s any shame in writing “stay at home mom” or “homemaker” or “volunteer ___” (heaven knows most of us probably spend more time “volunteering” for the church than a lot of people with part-time jobs spend at the office)! I’m not a fan of the term “housewife,” for reasons already mentioned. And I’m glad no one suggested “full-time mom.” My sister uses that term a lot. Her blog description says all these great things about her husband’s career, and then under her name, it says, “Full-time mom.” It bothers me because we’re all full-time moms (and dads). Whether your kids are with you 24 hours a day, or whether they spend part of their day with your spouse, or go to daycare, or preschool, or regular school, you are their parent, all the time.
Comment by Sofia — February 10, 2010 @ 6:20 pm
I worked for money for a couple of decades before having kids, so I often say I’m re-tired. Or just tired. Or Mom.
Comment by LRC — February 10, 2010 @ 6:41 pm
Interesting discussion. I put Renaissance Woman on it this year- as I feel that’s what I am. I know the IRS doesn’t really care how I label myself, but I thought it was fun. I dabble in everything: finishing my MA, cooking, babymaking, singing, I do a number of things moderately well. While I enjoy the opportunity to be a full time caretaker for my children at the time, I just didn’t want to put the same ol’ thing down ( :
Comment by Susie — February 10, 2010 @ 6:49 pm
#54 remind me of this song - “I’m Just A Renaissance Woman in a Diet Coke World.”
Comment by LRC — February 10, 2010 @ 8:22 pm
I put “writer” in the box, because that’s the work I get paid for, and anything else is not really their concern.
Comment by Ana — February 10, 2010 @ 8:49 pm
I wonder if I should put “Work From Home Dad”…
Comment by queuno — February 10, 2010 @ 9:04 pm
I love being a SAHM, I have no problem putting down homemaker. It’s actually the hardest thing I’ve ever had to figure out and do. Academics was way easier, and I think working would be too. This is a true challenge with great long term rewards- regardless of what anyone else may believe.
Comment by zeta — February 10, 2010 @ 10:30 pm
I read this and keep thinking that if homemaker is ever going to have cultural value it has to start with the people who live that role owning it and loving it and valuing it. To me, avoiding it only makes the problem worse.
I say put homemaker and be proud of what that means. Making money or having a “title” is NOT the measure of our worth, talents, value to society or any of that. It feels like a word game that is only made worse by trying to dance around what we are doing, and why that matters.
By the way, I’m a huge fan of women at home with children being smart about creative ways to keep a resume active along the way, but I really think we ought to own the term homemaker and help the culture recognize more how valuable that is to our society. If we don’t, imo, nobody else will.
Comment by m&m — February 11, 2010 @ 2:18 am
p.s. The tax implication reasons of doing this are important, too, imo. Thinking of being audited for creating a job that appears to generate pay that actually doesn’t exist is sobering to me.
Comment by m&m — February 11, 2010 @ 2:20 am
You *are* their parent (noun ), but you are not parenting (verb).
People use “full-time” to describe the work they do during the work day. Full-time nurse implies one is nursing as their professional commitment.
Thus I think “full-time parent” makes perfect sense. It is what they are actually doing.
Comment by Naismith — February 11, 2010 @ 8:18 am
I put ‘homemaker’-who cares if someone else thinks it’s “good enough” or not? I guess you’re point is that YOU care though. Sometimes words are just . . . limiting.
Comment by HeidiAnn — February 11, 2010 @ 11:15 am
“p.s. The tax implication reasons of doing this are important, too, imo. Thinking of being audited for creating a job that appears to generate pay that actually doesn’t exist is sobering to me.”
Why? There are lots of people (more and more in today’s economy, unfortunately) who don’t make money in their occupations. What you name your occupation doesn’t mandate what the income will be. And unemployed CEO has the same income as an unemployed MacDonald’s clerk.
The worst thing that could possibly happen is you have an audit. In that case, the IRS agent determines that your income matches your reporting and they put you in a file that verifies it for the record. That happened to us once some 30 years ago when some income that we reported as partnership income was reported by another source as dividend income — I call it six and you call it half a dozen — and we have never had an audit since. In fact, the auditor found a deduction we didn’t take and we got a refund. The whole thing took about an hour and was over. No biggie when you have nothing to hide.
Comment by Withheld — February 11, 2010 @ 11:18 am
Great comment, m&m.
Comment by Stephanie — February 11, 2010 @ 12:04 pm
I agree m&m
Comment by britt — February 11, 2010 @ 12:20 pm
But Naismith, earning money to support your children is part of parenting. So is buying groceries, doing laundry, going to the bank, cleaning the house, and all of the many other errands that stay-at-home parents do during the day, none of which fits neatly under the “child care” label. My point is that both work-outside-the-home and stay-at-home parents are spending the majority of their time doing things that are needed to support their children.
Calling oneself a full-time parent implies that there is such a thing as a part-time parent. I doubt any of us would refer to working husbands in that manner, so why refer to working moms that way? If a SAHM has school-age children, does she automatically become a part-time mom because her children are with someone else for part of the day?
Comment by Sofia — February 11, 2010 @ 12:39 pm
Withheld
I suspect that in most States the unemployed compensation benefits for a MacDonald’s clerk is not very high.
They probably don’t have a golden parachute.
So they’re finally working again and they get audited. What’s the problem? The two hours of lost wages mean their electricity gets cut off.
Hey, I’m actually agreeing with m&m on something.
Comment by Suzanne Neilsen — February 11, 2010 @ 1:08 pm
Wince. Using the term “working mom” implies that there are non-working moms. I am sure there are a very few who have a nanny, but most are working hard.
There is already a word for people who earn a paycheck: employed. Why not say employed instead of working?
I don’t see it that way. When I am at my job, I am there both physically and mentally, 100%. And I certainly hope that my surgeon is focused on her work, not her kids.
I am NOT parenting during the hours I am at my paid job. I get to go to the bathroom by myself, and my skin is my own, without little barnacles clinging to it.
I see “parenting” as the hands-on business of taking care of kids. I did it full-time for many years. Now that mine or older, I don’t have a problem saying that I don’t do it full-time any more, because it is not how I spend my work day. And my husband has no hesitation saying that he was never a full-time parent.
Of course others may see this differently and however you want to view yourself is your business.
Perhaps full-time parent isn’t the best word. Then what would be a fair and accurate description? “Stay at home” only says what someone is NOT doing. We would never describe a nurse as “not a doctor.” An accurate description the work such a mom does is needed and deserved.
Comment by Naismith — February 11, 2010 @ 1:18 pm
I agree with Sofia– Naismith’s comment that working mums are parents but are not “parenting” and thus not full-time parents actually made me a little furious. Really? When I’m providing food for my family and earning an education so that my daughter has more opportunities in life… that’s not part of parenting? That’s a pretty judgmental attitude to take and maybe explains some of the tension between SAHMs and working mums. When one group tries to delegitimize what the other is doing– or lessen it, even incrementally– there’s no further room for discussion.
Comment by Rosemary — February 11, 2010 @ 1:25 pm
Well, except that I am an employed mom, so I’d be arguing with myself.
It’s not judgmental because I was describing how *I* see my job. I acknowledged that others may see *their* work differently.
I note that you are trying to have “room for discussion” and not “delegitimize,” yet insist on using the “working mum” terminology, even though I’ve explained the implications to me.
Comment by Naismith — February 11, 2010 @ 2:14 pm
Naismith, I am usually quite careful not to use the term “working mom.” I apologize for using it to refer to work-outside-the-home moms (which is the term I used elsewhere in my post). I still heartily disagree with your argument. In my opinion, “parenting” does not refer to child care. It refers to all of the work that mothers and fathers do to provide for, teach, entertain, ensure the health and safety of, supervise, set examples for, and most importantly, LOVE their children in a way no one else can. And most of the parents I know spend at least 85% of their waking hours doing those things; I therefore consider them–and myself–full-time parents.
Comment by Sofia — February 11, 2010 @ 2:37 pm
I always wonder if we are as willing to allow the label “working father” as we are “working mom”? With the assumptions we make about fathers, it seems kind of redundant to say “working fathers”, doesn’t it?
Do we think “working fathers” are somehow failing to properly love and care for their children “in a way no one else can” because they are in the workplace?
Probably not, because Church leaders have stated clearly:
“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.”
Personally, I have a problem with that. First of all, I have never read anywhere in the Standard Works where this supposed “divine design” is revealed or articulated.
Indeed, Moses 5 seems to contradict it:
“And it came to pass that after I, the Lord God, had driven them out, that Adam began to till the earth, and to have dominion over all the beasts of the field, and to eat his bread by the sweat of his brow, as I the Lord had commanded him. And Eve, also, his wife, did labor with him.”
I am guessing “staying at home” only became disassociated from “work” when industry moved from the home/cottage into the factory during the Industrial Revolution. Prior to that, and for most parents throughout human history, the idea of a SAHM, or “full-time unpaid caregiver” would make no sense at all.
Comment by Daniel — February 11, 2010 @ 4:50 pm
This whole situation is based on first world economies in which a majority of available wage earning work is outside the home. It is relatively new that father OR mother wouldn’t be in proximity to the children, with the children working, learning and playing with them. The stark separation of parenting duties is much less natural when a person has to leave the home to provide. When dad and mom are both caring for the farm the cointinuim of parenting is much more fluid.
the whole “working mother” thing- we assume work = money and validate paid for work as opposed to all other forms of work that help a home and society function. To try to change and adapt the name homemaker to something that implies a personal interest or wage also devalues the unique worth of the necessary work of home.
The only time a firm divide by gender makes sense is in the childbearing year (which for me has been 14 years :P). After that the children need a parent as caregiver. Parents are different than nanny- if it at possible some as invsted as parent needs to raise the child.
However it works per family is going to take thinking and sacrifice-with as little sacrifice on the part of the most vulnerable-the children. What’s trapping is not the role of caretaker, but the assumptions of what that role is and the value placed on that roie. exaustion, the same four walls, repitive work-those aren’t solely existant in the caretaker role. Is the exaustion of a graduate student a worthwhile sacrifice? Is the exaustion of a young mother?
Comment by britt — February 11, 2010 @ 5:24 pm
The argument of “full-time mom” is interesting to me. I can see both sides of it, but personally, I’ve only used the term when dealing with an employed (not working, employed :)) mom who’s giving me attitude. Like when my SIL said to me, “So you just stay home all day and like it huh?”
Yeah, that’s exactly what I do.
Sometimes I wonder if my problem with the whole SAHM thing doesn’t stem from how fast paced society seems to be these days. Everyone acts like they need to be go go go in order to be productive or worthwhile. How many family blogs do you read that start every other post with “life is super crazy busy right now!”. It’s like a competition sometimes. I swear every time I ask someone how their doing it’s like they want to make sure I know they are busier than me.
Well good for you.
And then you look at life before kids. School and work, running from this class to that class then to work, etc etc. Back in those days I needed a day planner. (remember those?) But these days? Let’s face it; our toddlers desire to play game after game of hide-n-go-seek or read book after book is hardly “day planner” worthy. So when all of that stops and suddenly you are in charge of your days schedule, not school or work, and so much of it is spent helping a young one cultivate their imagination, and you actually can have days where you don’t have to leave the house, well, it’s easy to see why we don’t feel “productive” and therefore valued.
If everyone could just slow down and understand we are doing something valuable whether we’re dressed and out the door by 7 am or not!
Comment by Bewitched — February 12, 2010 @ 7:19 pm
Domestic Engineer.
Comment by Andrea — February 13, 2010 @ 7:26 pm
Stress.
My spouse isn’t going to be fired for not completing the laundry or finishing a task. There is no worry about paying the bills. There are times during the week when my spouse has no children in the home and is able to exercise or partake in fun actiivites.
I once was preparing for a trip and the laundry was not completed. I was unhappy and expressed my feelings as I needed some clean socks, etc… My spouse said, “I do not work for you. I am not one of your reports.” Well… if my spouse went to the ATM or went to use the credit card and it did not work, I would hear about it.
Staying at home does have its challenges, but it does not compare to the burden of both providing for the financial needs of the family while also being expected to help within in the home. I wish that there were some recognition of this and some action to lighten the load. Instead, I now do the laundry on the weekend, clean the house, while trying to manage other issues. This is hard given the I travel 3-5 days a week.
If the divorce laws weren’t such that I would lose my kids, half my assets, plus a good portion of my income, I would move on. The services of my spouse can be easily replaced with daycare, cleaners, and a good prostitute. The economics are such that it would have been easier to stay single.
I am happy that in this feminist world that even women are feeling the burden/stress while having a spouse who is oblivious of it all.
Comment by 123 — February 15, 2010 @ 4:51 pm
123, sounds like your wife needs to read this.
Comment by Stephanie — February 15, 2010 @ 6:13 pm
oops - I meant the book, not the comment.
Comment by Stephanie — February 15, 2010 @ 6:13 pm
Re 123: How did my ex find this blog?????
Comment by numi — February 15, 2010 @ 6:20 pm
re 76 sounds like your wife is about to “get fired”… give me a break. For someone to work all day at home and never get any positive feedback (if any feedback at all) is difficult. I suggest you try being a stay at home dad for a month or two… or longer if you dare. Then come back and tell us how you feel.
Comment by April — February 15, 2010 @ 6:47 pm
In 76, 123 wrote
So, why did you get married and breed then?
Comment by barmy stoat — February 15, 2010 @ 7:10 pm
MY SAHM mom title was: Consultant.
And lots of us on both sides would think staying single would be easier, until you talk to one of them. I’ve been a stay-at-home parent, and it required a certain level of trust, to not believe that I wasn’t going to be tossed aside like a snotty Kleenex at some point. And yes, I now have a “real job”. Definition: One that requires my employer to file papers to the IRS for my earnings. I couldn’t walk that line for very long, especially after seeing my divorcing friends.
Comment by Josette — February 15, 2010 @ 7:30 pm
First of all, I hope your wife actually deserves this and you are not exaggerating or are the cause of her lack of desire to do those things because of the way you treat her. Which I suspect is the case seeing as how you called a certain part of your relationship with her as ” a service easily replaced by a good prostitute”. Yikes.
Secondly, yeah, because all those “services” are free elsewhere right? I’m sure it would be much, much cheaper to pay other people to do the things your wife does. Because daycare is not expensive AT ALL! And I don’t know people who actually make a living off of maid services, oh no, those “services” are practically free!
Give me a break.
And lastly, if you are being accurate, your marriage sounds miserable and have you ever considered counseling?
Comment by Bewitched — February 16, 2010 @ 7:02 pm
I used to bristle at the term “housewife” and couldn’t believe it when that was the only suitable option for me on a life insurance application. That was six years ago. Today I embrace the term. I earned a master’s degree and worked in my chosen profession before I decided to have children and leave the workforce to do something else I truly love: running my household. So proud am I that I even started a blog to show off all the neat things that make housewifery so enjoyable. I am grateful that I have the choice to do what I want - isn’t that what feminists (like me) have always fought for? Choice?
Comment by Natasha — February 24, 2010 @ 10:48 pm