102 Comments »

1. This was beautiful, Stephanie. I feel uplifted.

   Comment by AllieKay — July 9, 2010 @ 12:36 am

2. I have been feeling this a lot lately too. I did not enjoy being a mother of babies and toddlers. I don’t know if I was overwhelmed or if I just am not suited to it, or if I was doing something wrong or if it was the ppd or if . . . if . . .

   but Mostly I just hated it and I wanted out, and while I loved my kids I would have given just about anything to see them a whole lot less, except I really thought I was doing what was best for them and what was most “righteous” as you said, and I guess I just also didn’t know what else to do. I felt trapped.

   But now my kids are older and I’m in a much better place. I’m really starting to enjoy my kids and being their mom, it feels less like a burden and a duty that I’m slogging through because I have no other choice, and more like something I’d actually choose. I really like my kids and I love that they can feed and clothe and wipe themselves.

   But there are bitter sweet things about this stage too. Like the fact the my daughter is entering puberty, and while I think she may have been the most perfect 8 yo ever, she now rolls her eyes and has attitude and is probably no longer the president of my fan club. I really liked being the center of her world in some ways, and I can never have that back. Boo hoo.

   Comment by fMhLisa — July 9, 2010 @ 12:56 am

3. Beautiful, Stephanie. This kind of stuff is why I simply adore you. I love it. I’m not even a mom yet, but I still feel like I can hugely relate - so many aspects of life are like that garden that requires so much work. Seeing the tiny green shoots is electrifying. I’m going to look out for more in my life.

   Comment by nat kelly — July 9, 2010 @ 1:40 am

4. I feel the same. Kids are 12-2 and it is actually really, really enjoyable (even if it is hard or frustrating sometimes too). I think pregnancy and post-partum and infants are a huge burden and less than enjoyable.
   What is really wonderful is realizing that I am not wishing my life away. I’m not looking forward to some future time when things are easier/better, etc. I’m living in the here and now and think it is a great place to be.

   Comment by jks — July 9, 2010 @ 1:41 am

5. My little ones are still really little, and I often find our really hard. It’s soo good to hear your experiences of fun as they get older, I think it will be like this for me too. So often though I hear people say, it only gets harder… I think I’ll be more suited to emotional work than the physical work of babies.

   Comment by Helen — July 9, 2010 @ 1:48 am

6. Mine are little, too. I feel like I vacillate between seeing the green and seeing only dirt (and too much time is spent seeing only dirt). It’s hard to see green when you’re so tired! Thanks for this post, though, Stephanie. I always love reading your insights. I’ll be making a concerted effort tomorrow to see green.

   Comment by Conifer — July 9, 2010 @ 2:08 am

7. Nicely written post, and I am glad that your are happy with your kids, and I know you are a good mom to them.

   But, I don’t think this should be taken as an advertisement for everyone to have 5 kids, or that large families always work perfectly, or that 5 kids should be seen as the ideal number. I think that women planning smaller famiies such as 1,2,3, children are fine and can be just as happy.

   I think that women who decide that motherhood is not for them, plan to have no children, and plan to devote their energies to other occupations instead of motherhood are fine also.

   I think that sometimes the church sees women with large families as being “more righteous” than women with smaller families, and this concept is something that possibly could be discussed at RS meetings. Does the Lord find more favor with women who bear large numbers of children? It used to be that almost every devout Christian thought so. But, times are changing.

   Comment by Wonderment — July 9, 2010 @ 2:40 am

8. #7 Wonderment…I don’t think that was the purpose of the OP and I really hope people don’t start utilizing what other’s think of number to influence how many children they produce. We have a lady in our ward who went around to all the women asking if they thought she should have another child. What do you think they said? And guess what….she’s pregnant now…I find that sad. But to each his/her own.

   My DW and I have struggled over the past couple years on whether or not to try for number 4. We have really enjoyed the first 2 girls (4yo and 2yo), and now the third (7 mos), but the joy really didn’t start until they were about 5 months old, and really didn’t begin until they could speak. Before that it was a lot of “dirt” (at least for me). But I’m a bit of a sappy dad for my daughters, and this past week with them gone, and the entirety of next week that they will be gone as well has put me in a bit of a mellow disposition. I guess I’m a bit different because I am the man and only had to endure the ppd (which is just finally starting to abate), but I will say that with each child our desire not to have another child has grown. Those 6 to 12 months afterward are just horrible for DW.

   That all being said, I think my sister put if best when she advised her husband to have a vasectomy after child number 3. She said that there are some women who seem to be called and content to be SAHMs, to raise their children (and at times it seems every other family’s children in the ward), and then there are those women who do their part by having some children, but who want an identity outside the home, want to have a profession, and want to explore their own identity. Both kinds of women are necessary, she says, but she simply isn’t cut out for 5 children like was my mother and older sister (who also convinced her husband to have a vasectomy after they popped out #5). So, we’re debating the surgery, while we weigh options……

   Great post.

   Comment by Keith — July 9, 2010 @ 5:11 am

9. Wonderful post. Sometimes we do get caught up with the hard work, and those stages of hard work can last for years depending on the individual children. Mine are growing up, the youngest is 10 soon, and I have to say I miss the baby/toddler stage a lot. I love having more time to myself now but I do miss the cuddly little ones.

   Comment by Kay — July 9, 2010 @ 6:59 am

10. I wonder what I’ll end up with. Whatever they become, I will delight in watching the journey.

    Stephanie,

    This is the attitude I admire most in mothers, the delight in embracing who their children will become. It makes me excited for parenthood, even though I’m a wuss with pain, it’s the growing I’m excited to witness!

    Comment by Andiep — July 9, 2010 @ 7:25 am

11. I really needed to hear this today. I’m alone with a 2 year old while my husband is deployed for a year (11 months to go) and my son is NOT handling his daddy’s absence well. This morning he screamed from the second he woke up until I left him at daycare and could escape to work, because he wanted his daddy. I love my son but didn’t really enjoy the baby phase. There are days I love 2s, and there are more where I’m frustrated and hate everything. Thank you for the reminder that kids do grow up and things do eventually get better.

    Comment by thebookharlot — July 9, 2010 @ 7:26 am

12. Mine are 22, 20, 16, and 12 now (three boys followed by a girl), and I can tell you that it does keep getting better and greener. I love this phase, where they’re becoming what they want to be. The parenting worries and work are still there, but different from when they were tiny.

    Comment by Coffinberry — July 9, 2010 @ 7:32 am

13. I miss my kids. I wish I’d known at the time they were all little and we were poor and struggling that it was the best most meaningful time of my life.

    Comment by annegb — July 9, 2010 @ 7:45 am

14. It’s posts like these that help to reassure me that I’m not going to die as a mother. I haven’t even gotten married yet and I’m already putting on my anti-green glasses.

    Comment by Michelle Glauser — July 9, 2010 @ 7:46 am

15. Stephanie, what a sweet post. Although I only have one child, who will be 2 in a few weeks, I have been feeling the same way lately. I have never been a “baby person.” I am much more comfortable around older kids. And she was a HARD baby. But she has such a great personality now, and she learns about 10 new words a day and is always making these intelligent connections between things (like the other day, when we had a leak, she described with her limited vocabulary and hand motions how the water goes from her Dora toothbrush down the drain, through the pipes, into the floor, through the ceiling, and into our living room–how did she figure that out?!) that leave me awestruck.

    It’s a lot of work. We are debating whether to have another child. My husband already has an older child from a previous relationship, and our daughter is so much work that he feels done. I would be okay with that, but I kind of want her to have a sibling. We’ll see how it turns out. I am really sick of people–especially at church–asking when we’re having another.

    Thebookharlot (#11)–my heart really goes out to you. Being separated from your spouse and having full responsibility for the kids is rough. I hope you have a good support network. I left my husband with our two-year old for a few weeks in June while I went on an assignment to Haiti, and even that short time nearly killed him! It’s a very demanding age. I hope things get better!

    Comment by Sofia — July 9, 2010 @ 8:01 am

16. and then there are those women who do their part by having some children, but who want an identity outside the home, want to have a profession, and want to explore their own identity.

    Or, there are various forms of compromise to do both. I think it’s more accurate to say that it depends on the individual woman and the support she get from her husband- she needs to define how many children she can capably raise while keeping some of herself in reserve for her specific needs as a human being. I’d say the same for men, but women can be more likely to forsake themselves in favor of what the children need (this isn’t a bad thing unless it goes to far and her well runs dry). Meeting those personal needs doesn’t always take the form of having work outside the home. Many women can fulfill those needs while staying home and I’ve always envied them, because I’m not one of them. We have to know ourselves and define our needs and then, love our children enough to realize that we cannot be as effective mothers if we forsake ourselves to the point of no return. We won’t be good wives at that point either.

    It’s not numbers. It’s capacity, and that’s completely individual.

    I never thought I’d have four… or a late life baby. I sure didn’t understand the difference between raising babies in my 20s versus late 30s or the toll it would take on my body and psyche. I really didn’t fully understand the full impact of individual husbands until I’d been married to two different men- and how that affects the raising of children.

    Stephanie- I just love boys. They are so awesome. Yours are sure to be so, because they have an awesome mom…and yes, although it’s cliche, you do have your hands full, but your heart is full too.

    Comment by Kimberly — July 9, 2010 @ 8:09 am

17. Save what you have written, my dear, and when you have 2 or 3 of them in their teenage years, take it out and read it at least once a week. You’ll need it.

    Comment by A Paperback Writer — July 9, 2010 @ 8:45 am

18. Stephanie, your post–especially the part about dirt now and a garden later–reminded me of a saying that my sister put on some kind of crafty wooden thing and gave to her sister-in-law, who also has 4 boys (and really bad PPD):

    “The rocks, dirt, and noise will be worth it all when
    This mother of boys is the mother of men.”

    Comment by Sofia — July 9, 2010 @ 8:45 am

19. I think it’s easier to enjoy the little ones when you have the vision that they really will grow up. I used to hang out with mothers of older children so I could catch a little bit of that..the joy of watching them become. Now that I have a 14 and 12 yo who are so different and so wonderful…it’s easier to let the 2yo be 2.

    I really understood the shared chores concept you expressed-that definitely made the years of ALL little children hard.

    The standard answer from the multiples board to the “you’ve got your hands full” was “you should see my heart!”

    For me the numbers thing is obviously not directly coorelated with righteousness…Everyone is different..what they need to do with their lives, their personal missions…of course God wouldn’t have us all have a zillion children…it doesn’t make sense. Doing what God wants you to do is righteousness…doing what God wants someonelse to do is stupidity.

    Comment by britt k — July 9, 2010 @ 8:47 am

20. I think I could have almost written this, except I have one less. Have three boys, then a girl. We even went to an amusement park a few Saturdays ago.

    It is so incredibly tough to have little kids and be struggling with any form of depression. I’m bipolar II. Just went on a meds and I’m amazed! The world has color! I can wake up and do things! I love being a mom now. I notice the good parts. I’m cooking. Cooking. Miracles do happen.

    My kids are between 3-7. I’m loving this stage. The oldest just learned how to change the youngest’s diapers and she is getting close to being potty trained. They can make themselves lunches and breakfasts, as long as there isn’t any heat involved. It’s wonderful.

    For about the last four years I’ve been questioning my sanity (funny when you really do have a mental illness, he he), and wondering why in the world I ever had four children and if I really was doing God’s will why did he allow me to be bipolar and make it so damn hard all the time, so it’s nice to have a little season of rest and have a glimpse of the rewards.

    Comment by ClaudiaHen — July 9, 2010 @ 9:02 am

21. If I could change anything, I would only have one child instead of the two I now have (ages 9 & 7). You will never see me admit that to anyone else.

    I don’t know what I was thinking. Clearly I was in a produce babies mode. After my last was born, it got so hard that I was finally able to break free from the auto-baby-making mode and consider what I was actually doing. Now I breathe a sigh of relief that I only have two.

    Comment by Kentucky Gal — July 9, 2010 @ 9:02 am

22. Kentucky Gal- I was supposed to be completely infertile after cancer. None of my children were planned, including the last one, my neice, who we took into our family after the death of her mother. If you had asked me if I’d one day have four children, I just would have keeled over laughing at the notion. I didn’t leap, I was dragged.

    I’m glad you determined your limit. While I’m the first to agree that there are no limits on love, there are definite limits on patience, stamina and enthusiasm. I’ve heard a lot of mothers share that their last baby was the one that told them they’d had one too many. That doesn’t mean that child is loved less, it just means that child brought with him the definition of our limits. There is great value in that.

    My grandmother, who had 5 children (one set of twins- and my dad, the male twin, was born with his feet backwards, requiring surgeries, casts and crutches until he was 16) as well as fostering 3 additional children- one of them with special needs.
    She shocked me thoroughly by sharing that she was so distraught over the 5th pregnancy, that she consulted an abortionist and did not reconsider until the day of the appointment. She said, “I was too scared to go through with it, I figured I’d never be able to live with myself, but I was so very deeply depressed when I decided to keep the baby”. I had no idea. She always seemed like motherhood incarnate to me- she took phenomenal care of her own kids and everyone else’s…she was even a nanny and as my grandmother, she was my salvation. She made it seem so natural and easy. I’m so glad she told me about it because it’s so crucial for mothers who struggle to know that even the mothers who enjoy raising children find it difficult for so many reasons. I did not know until after my grandmother died that one of the reasons she was so depressed during that pregnancy was because she had found out my grandfather had cheated and fathered a daughter with his mistress. How confusing for a woman who dedicated herself to home and family.

    So, a lot goes into deciding to have them, keep them, raise them and stop having them.

    Comment by Kimberly — July 9, 2010 @ 9:26 am

23. Great post. I’ve been thinking about stages of children lately too, and I’m not really sure where I fit as a mother. To be honest, I LOVE the baby and toddler stage. It’s where I feel comfortable in my ability to be a “fun mom” I guess. And as my two older ones get older and older, I am finding myself so completely out of patience and ideas for what to do with and for them, that I panic when I realize that they are only going to keep getting OLDER and the unknown is looming before me.

    I’m looking forward to seeing more green too Stephanie, but for me, I think it’s more like my children are perennials, and with some of them, I’m in between seeing the blossoms. Does that sound harsh? I love my girls so much and I do love watching them learn and grow into their very individual selves, but I miss the earlier stages, and I just don’t feel capable of handling these current issues yet, but I’m hopeful that my confidence and ability to see beauty throughout the whole season returns.

    Not that I love the chaos that is keeping up with a toddler and their messes, but up until our third, I was equipped to handle it all pretty well. And with number 4 almost here, I’m wondering if it’s just the proximity to my last birth that has us with an already scheduled vasectomy.

    I used to compare myself to others around me and think “If they can have 5 or 6 six kids, then so can I!” Ridiculously stupid way to go about it, yes. But then I also wondered if it was just my fear of the extra work that made me want to stop. And I felt selfish stopping for my own reasons - until I realized it was selfish to keep going if I really couldn’t be a great mother to more than I had. I’m short on the personal revelation lately, but I do know what is right for me and my family now, and I know myself well enough to trust my own decision.

    So as sad as I am to be closing the chapter on the baby season after this one, I AM excited to be done and to move on to being a mother of a complete family, with various stages represented.

    Comment by Corktree — July 9, 2010 @ 9:33 am

24. I battled depression when my children were small. I had no one to help me and I never got out of the house when the second one came along. With the first, I got out once a week to see a counselor who was wonderful. My only mistake was to pay another sister in the ward to babysit. She had 5 young ones and I often got a call from her husband early in the morning of my appointment canceling her babysitting appointment. She was suffering even more than I, and she was having her babies every year and a half. We couldn’t afford the counseling but I was glad I did it and now I’m in grad school to become a Marriage and Family Counselor specializing in women’s issues. I want to help the Mormon women in my area who do have some great LDS therapists already but I want to add my perspective. Through the years as a friend and a visiting teacher, I have been the person many women have confided in concerning the struggles of raising young ones in such a fertility centered culture. I’ve learned to take the little green shoots as tender mercies to get me through the “dirt” and the “weed” times. I have a friend with 4 boys who has always maintained that there is a special place in heaven for the Mother of 4 boys. I only raised two kids, but I knew my limits and that was all I could do. I remember when I nursed my youngest for the last time (I really loved nursing my babies) and the spirit said to me, “Can you live with the fact that you will never nurse a baby again?.” When I answered that I was ready for the next steps of motherhood, I knew that having my two girls was enough for me and my Heavenly Father. Each developmental stage after that was full of green shoots and sometimes I didn’t know if the shoots were weeds ’til later. You do have to keep up on the weeding and the cultivating around each sprout. Some of us have big flower beds and some of us struggle to grow just a few blooms. I would no more criticize some one’s size of family than I would the amount of lovely flowers that they grow and share by having a garden. I guess it goes back to the old saying ” that we need to tend to our own gardens and not interfere with others.”

    Comment by Black Sheep's Gray Lamb — July 9, 2010 @ 10:03 am

25. Great post, Stephanie!

    I’m kind of amused that 5 kids is considered a big family. I consider it medium. We’ll be having our third soon, and I think I’ve got it in me to tolerate a 4th pregnancy (no pukes, just excessive pain and an inability to be active). We’d considered 8 when we first got married, and then settled to 5 because we got married at 25 and I didn’t like the idea of being 40 and still pregnant…

    I love seeing what my kids are becoming. My first is starting kindergarten this fall, and my second just turned three and is talking a lot more. It is frustrating sometimes, but it sure is great to be a mother to such lovely little people.

    Comment by ErinAnn — July 9, 2010 @ 10:04 am

26. Thanks for sharing. I’ll show this to my wife this evening. We’re still on kid #1 but the road has definitely started getting bumpy already.

    Comment by Bro. Jones — July 9, 2010 @ 10:17 am

27. Beautiful post Stephanie. I’m so happy that you
    are delighting in your kids. I’m sure sleeping
    through the night helps a lot. Tho I never had
    5, I know what you mean about how very special it is
    watching the olders helping the youngers, developing along the way
    those special bonds only brothers and sisters have. Our kids
    just left after a 4th of July visit. One granddaughter,
    once too shy to get to know, now has grown to the point
    where she readily shows off her wonderful luscious sense of humor.
    Another is ALWAYS game for anything, whether it’s picking peas
    or digging spuds. The oldest (off to college this fall), is
    kind and playful with the little ones. When they left DH and I
    just kept saying to each other, “aren’t those kids great!” We’re
    so glad we had this family. We forget the hard times and delight in the joy of it.

    Comment by betty jo — July 9, 2010 @ 10:41 am

28. Beautiful, Stephanie.

    I like your gardening analogy - that’s the way I think of it, too. And sometimes the green does just suddenly appear. Life is funny that way. All of the difficulty and troubles experienced are overpowered and outweighed by the reward of seeing that green.

    Comment by Matt A. — July 9, 2010 @ 10:50 am

29. Stephanie, I appreciated reading this. We cannot leave the house without getting comments as our oldest is 8 and we’re expecting #6. It is insane, and it’s wonderful and we homeschool so it’s all day long craziness. I’m getting glimpses of what you mean as the children get older when I see our big kids helping our little kids and watch those relationships develop.

    There has never been an “easy” day and we’ve been knocked flat over and over by the challenges that come. Just when I think I might possibly be getting the hang of something I am humbled again and reminded that I have so much to learn.

    I have a list of mantras on my fridge for those days I especially need some perspective and one I love is, “I took the vow.” Much prayer and discussion went into our decision to pursue this path for our family, even though we had no clue where exactly it would lead us. I’m thankful to feel I have options and a supportive partner and I’m grateful that we were able to make the choice that felt best for us.

    Now I’m going to check and see why things are so quiet around here, that’s never a good sign.

    Comment by heidelade — July 9, 2010 @ 11:23 am

30. Wonderment, maybe this post is a bit of an advertisement for having a large family. I feel like most of the time I am a walking, talking, blogging advertisement for why NOT to have a lot of kids that I wanted to make a counterpoint to that.

    I am talking about me in this post, not anyone else. (See the choices thread). My choices don’t belittle anyone else’s.

    Let me clarify my own comment that I quoted in the OP. If you go through and read it in context in the thread, I was saying that I grew up thinking that the only righteous choice available to me was to have a lot of kids and stay at home. I now realize that this wasn’t true - I had a lot of options available that were equally as righteous (each with its own drawbacks and benefits). So, if I had known from the beginning that I could decide differently and still be “righteous” in God’s eyes, would I have made a different choice? I’ve been thinking about it a lot and decided that, no, I would still have had a lot of kids. I am acutely aware of the drawbacks now (having experienced many), but I also love the benefits. (And again, my choices do not belittle anyone else’s)

    Also, I’ve never considered 5 kids to be an “ideal” number. I always thought that a “righteous” Mormon woman has six kids, and if I have less than that, then I am a failure to God, my family, my church, my country . . . That’s such a weird internal belief I had, but it has been hard to break. After all my problems after #4, I knew I probably wouldn’t make it to 6, but I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy for being a failure (even if they are just baloney). When my mom came to visit after #5 was born, she traced her hand and wrote my four sons’ names on the fingers and my daughter’s name on the thumb. I looked at that and thought, “We are complete! Five is complete! We make a whole hand!” It was like a little message from heaven that I am just fine - the demons in my head are my own imagination (and maybe a bit of culture).

    The standard answer from the multiples board to the “you’ve got your hands full” was “you should see my heart!”

    I like this, britt k.

    Comment by Stephanie — July 9, 2010 @ 11:25 am

31. Good to hear from you, betty jo!

    Comment by Stephanie — July 9, 2010 @ 11:32 am

32. I had my first two in my early twenties. We were so poor I had to work full-time just to keep a roof over our heads and food on our table. Then DH got a better job and I went back to school full-time. It is so hard parenting young ones when you’re exhausted from an 8 hour day.

    I was pretty sure we were done when I got pregnant with our 3rd when I was almost 30. It was a world of difference easier. I was more confident in my skills as a mother, I had two older children that doted on my baby and wanted to help, I was older and more mature, and we had more money (it’s amazing how more money makes parenting easier).

    I feel like I’m finally able to reap what I’ve sowed in parenting. Not because I had a difficult time with babies…I love babies. But because I’m done with my education and we’re finally in a financial position to take care of them. My oldest two are self-sufficient, mostly, which makes caring for the 2 year old easier. I really feel like this is one of the happiest times since my daughter was born 9 years ago. Thanks Stephanie, for reminding me to enjoy it while it lasts.

    Comment by Risa — July 9, 2010 @ 11:40 am

33. I wondered if I was done after #3 (but didn’t really think I was), the entire pregnancy with #4 has confirmed that I am done. I just can’t do this again. (physically, I probably could, I just don’t want to, and mentally and emotionally, I’m done).

    I like the garden analogy. I have all boys, but grew up in a very quiet house, so the noise is sometimes hard for me to handle. It’s good to remember to watch for the green amidst the dirt.

    Comment by Alliegator — July 9, 2010 @ 11:57 am

34. Ditto to #3, nat kelly. I don’t have kids yet, but I know that I could try to recognize those tiny green plants popping up all around me. Sometimes I feel like I am working so hard with little results, but I hope my hard work will eventually pay off. Thanks for helping me to see a few little seedlings today.

    Comment by TaterTot — July 9, 2010 @ 12:01 pm

35. Maybe I’m not qualified to comment on this post since I’m not a mother, but I’m the oldest of four kids at 20. My youngest sibling is 10 and I have never enjoyed spending time with my family more. Some people idealize their childhoods just like some parents miss having little kids, but now that we can actually do things and clean up after ourselves and my mom isn’t so tired all the time. I love that we have such intense and different personalities now and I know my mother has told me the same thing. She felt like she didn’t know what to do with us when we were really little.

    Comment by LovelyLauren — July 9, 2010 @ 12:11 pm

36. LovelyLauren, of course you are qualified to comment! An opinion is what qualifies one to comment on FMH. (Sidenote: do I know you? You could be one of my former YW. Are you at BYU-I?)

    I also wanted to say to Kentucky Gal that I am glad you feel safe to share your true feelings here.

    Comment by Stephanie — July 9, 2010 @ 12:16 pm

37. Thank you for this post and the comments. I only have a two year old, but we are already cautious about having more kids simply because toddler-hood is so intense. Adding more stress to the mix seems like emotional suicide as well as something that could cause some major marital stress. I have adopted the attitude that if you can handle lots of kids, go for it, but its not for me.

    In my individual case, since I seem to have a pretty good handle on my own limitations, I have been dealing with the guilt associated with thoughts of having only one or two kids. I always thought I would have three or four, but now I am not so sure. It is really hard to come to terms with that since I come from a family of six kids who was surrounded by families that had even more.

    I applaud mothers who can handle having multiple children, but I am glad to hear I am not the only one who doesn’t think she can handle it.

    Comment by Emily A. — July 9, 2010 @ 12:41 pm

38. Stephanie wrote:

    So, if I had known from the beginning that I could decide differently and still be “righteous” in God’s eyes, would I have made a different choice? I’ve been thinking about it a lot and decided that, no, I would still have had a lot of kids. I am acutely aware of the drawbacks now (having experienced many), but I also love the benefits. (And again, my choices do not belittle anyone else’s)

    Stephanie, your point is well taken. If I could, I would have edited my post so that it sounded less judgmental. I was thinking of the well-meaning but intrusive ward members and neighbors who keep saying, “You’re not finished having children, are you? When are you having another baby?” and so forth.

    I think you are doing an excellent job, and you’re a very caring, conscientious, and dedicated parent. It’s great that you had a fun day at Six Flags, and your kids will remember that for a long, long time. Best wishes, from Wndr.

    Comment by Wonderment — July 9, 2010 @ 12:45 pm

39. I don’t feel like your choice to have a large family belittles my life “choices”… I just envy your ability to have that choice.

    I am single and 30. I have always wanted to make the same choices you did, but life had a different plan for me. Even if I do still get married (nothing on the horizon at this point), I likely won’t get to choose to have a big family. I realize that if I had those choices, I may have gone through many of the same struggles. And there really are a lot of experiences I value that I couldn’t have had if I was married and had several small children. Do any of us really sit an analyze our life “choices” before we make them? I know we have some control over our lives (much more in modern times than ever before), but I think a lot of it just sort of happens to us. To characterize it as if we really have full control is unfair to those in different circumstances, I think. I’ve made all the “choices” I know how to make to have a large LDS family and it still hasn’t happened. So I’m a single career-woman, making the best choices I can within that life to make me happy. I’m trying to be happy in that life, but I don’t feel like I really chose that life.

    I’m really not trying to take anything away from your experience or epiphanies. It’s just a little painful to see it discussed as a choice, when really, it’s not an option for many Mormon women. For the more petty side of me, it’s hard to read this and not get annoyed. (But I know, that’s a reflection of MY insecurities and unhappiness, not a result of anything in your post.) When I hear other women wax poetic on how happy they are that they chose the big family life, it just makes me feel like missing all of that in my own life was really my own choice. Any maybe it was. Maybe I need to be less picky, lose more weight, or step further outside my comfort zone in regards to dating. But I don’t want to just be married with a big family. I want to be married with a big family and happy. And that’s a lot trickier to figure out.

    (Sorry to be a big buzz kill.)

    Comment by anon for this — July 9, 2010 @ 12:46 pm

40. I know we have some control over our lives (much more in modern times than ever before), but I think a lot of it just sort of happens to us.

    anon for this, this is an excellent, excellent point. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

    Comment by Stephanie — July 9, 2010 @ 12:50 pm

41. Being a parent has its ups and downs. The highs are great. The lows are not so great (my daughter threw up at the pharmacy the other day when we were waiting for her prescription. She had woken up in pain at 3 in the morning with an ear infection. I’m not sharing this story for sympathy - just that this is the nature of being a parent. Good days and bad days).

    It’s not the be-all, end-all of human experience, however. It’s a great thing, but it’s not the only thing.

    I too enjoy being the parent of older children, and watching them grow into their personalities. We go out on trips and have fun. And take longer than an hour!! My mom (wisely) said that each age had its joys and challenges, and I have definitely found that to be true.

    I think that it’s important for each parent to keep a sense of self throughout the process. To take time for themselves and their own interests. Not to the detriment of their children or family or marriage, just to not lose themselves. Because kids grow up. And it’s good for kids to see their parents with their own lives, with the things they enjoy.

    PS. When my twins were babies, I would hear “you must have your hands full” often. Or, they would say “I don’t know what I would do if I had twins”. I think people just don’t know what to say sometimes. As a prior comment said - the offhand comments people make to parents of multiples…I don’t think some people think about what they’re saying, and are only trying to be polite or make small talk.

    Comment by aerin — July 9, 2010 @ 12:51 pm

42. I know we have some control over our lives (much more in modern times than ever before), but I think a lot of it just sort of happens to us

    I agree with this statement too. I feel like I’ve gone through my life making the best choices I could, and I’m pretty happy about how things have turned out, but sometimes I wonder how I got here.

    Comment by Alliegator — July 9, 2010 @ 1:19 pm

43. Anon #39. This may sound insensitive, but I promise I am trying to be helpful.

    If family is important to you, and you want marriage and children, have you ever considered marrying outside of the church? I happen to know a lot of non member men who would be excellent husbands and fathers even though they aren’t a member.

    I didn’t get married until I was 28, and I love my husband, but I am not totally convinced that there would have been a better match for me outside of the church. Yes, I know that prophets have said you are better to remain unmarried than marry outside the temple, but life experiences are teaching me that may not always be true and that prophets aren’t always right.

    Just food for thought. I think it is totally unfair that a woman should have to go without the experience of marriage and family when she wants it so badly. Is it wrong to assume that the there are righteous men who don’t belong to our church and that marrying one would be a good idea?

    I used to think that temple marriage was the ONLY way to get happiness, but I know better now. You can be happy without a temple marriage. As long as you and the person you marry are on the same page about your expectations of each other, then you can’t really go wrong. Since we often discuss whether or not everything a prophet says is truth, then why not consider some other alternatives?

    Being a mom and a wife is by far one of life’s greatest adventures and pleasures. Why should you be forced to live a single life simply because you are Mormon?

    Comment by Anon Girl in Reply — July 9, 2010 @ 1:27 pm

44. It’s interesting to hear a number of people say they felt guilt about the number of children they chose to/were able to have. I have heard people say they felt pressured to have more children. But do a lot of Mormon women actually feel guilty about having, say, less than 4 kids? I grew up in Utah where I knew several families with 6, 7, and 8 kids (my own family had 5). But everywhere I’ve lived outside of Utah, I have met very few Mormon families (and almost no non-Mormon families) with 4 or more kids. It’s not even economically feasible in many parts of the country/world, even on two incomes.

    I think all of us internalize our observations of the world around us differently. For example, my sister and I both had C-sections with our first child. When her second was also C-section, she was really upset that this meant she couldn’t have more than 4 kids (since generally it’s dangerous to have that many C-sections). I was shocked. I had no idea she would really want more than 4 kids, but I guess to her that seemed normal and to me it seemed like soooooo many. In fact, my doctor recommended not having more than 3 kids total, and I was totally cool with that. It’s interesting that the two of us ended up with such different numbers in our heads of what is “normal” or “ideal.” Of course, she lives in an area with a very low cost of living, with lots of family nearby to help out, while I live in one of the most expensive parts of the country, thousands of miles from family.

    Comment by Sofia — July 9, 2010 @ 1:29 pm

45. I’ve got a question for y’all.

    ChrisKay and I are planning on having kids for another six years (once he has a permanent job), but after that, we figured we’d have three kids and then he’d get a vasectomy.

    My question is about spacing. We figured we’d want to have them all at once, one right after the other, no spacing. The reasoning behind that was so they would all play together and also that I wouldn’t be out of the workforce for too long. Once our youngest is in school, I plan on going back to work.

    Is it insane not to space kids out, or can you make it work?

    Comment by AllieKay — July 9, 2010 @ 2:24 pm

46. AllieKay–Honestly, I don’t think you can really “plan” these things. I mean, you can, and you can think about it and talk about it, but until you start having kids, you just won’t know what its going to do to you. I know a lot of people do try to have theirs close together if they are only have two, so they can have a sibling close in age, and cut down on the baby period, but in my opinion, adding a third like that totally changes everything. My first two weren’t even particularly close (almost 2.5 years) but I knew, after experiencing two different, yet similar in how challenging it was for me, babies/toddlers, that there was no way I was having a third any time soon. I didn’t get married very young, and had originally thought I’d plow through, every 2 years until we had our four, but I really want to enjoy my babies, which is hard to do when you haven’t slept solidly in years and don’t even remember what it feels like to be you. But now, my baby is almost 4 and the idea of going through it all again doesn’t seem quite so awful. But I don’t think I can do it more than one more time, so the spacing has changed, the number has changed, but I’m still completely happy with my family, however it ends up working out.

    I always tell everyone that since every person is so different, including those babies you’ll be having, you just can’t know what you’ll actually want. Its a lot easier if you don’t have your plan set in stone so you won’t be dissappointed when things change, and you won’t feel so much pressure to live up to something that you just don’t want anymore.

    Comment by Kim — July 9, 2010 @ 2:55 pm

47. Stephanie,

    I love this post. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this phenomenon. SOmetimes I think I try so hard to be realistic in my presentation of being a parent, and to not try to paint the picture too rosy, that I forget to recognize that I DID choose this and I do love my kids, and for the most part, love being with them. There may be a lot of dirt, but those seedlings are popping up all over, if I just look for them. (I love this analogy–just the other day, I was looking at my empty flower bed, searching for some signs of plants where I’d put in the seeds, and suddenly realized there were actually about 25 smaill plants, you just had to look so hard to see them. Now they’re bigger and so obvious that its funny I couldn’t see them before.) And I should probably talk about those green parts more, with my family and friends and the random people who catch me on a bad day at the store

    Comment by Kim — July 9, 2010 @ 3:00 pm

48. It really depends…I have no clue how your body will naturally space them..or how pregnancy or labor will be for you, or what the children will be like. Are you planning on nursing..that may naturally space them? what does no space mean? 18 months apart? What happens if you’ve got this bounce back fertility and your children are less than a year apart? My closest are 19.5 months (aside from the twins).

    I think it’s an illusion to think we have control over the issue

    Comment by britt k — July 9, 2010 @ 3:03 pm

49. I have been thinking about this post all morning. There are several thoughts that have crossed my mind.

    First, I grew up in the church outside of Utah but still was always under the impression that I would get married and have kids by my early 20’s. I was always told I would have no problem finding a husband and most of my friends thought I’d marry before them. Now, years later, practically all of my friends are married with kids. I am 34 - never married and no kids. The 30-something single demographic has become quite prominent in the church. It has been a struggle to find my place in a family church. A lot of times I think, “How much of a choice have I had regarding my single vs family status?” I have always tried to make good choices for myself and I’ve ended up on a path that has been really good in many ways but one that has also been unexpected. I’ve always been a fairly social person and took advantage of dating opportunities in school. I know a lot of people, I have established myself as an educator and am continuing to try to move forward with my career (work, grad school, volunteering). Most of the time I feel that I am doing what I am suppossed to be doing. I believe in creating opportunities for myself but also that things have a natural progression and path.

    Looking back on my life now, there is no way I would have been able to handle being young and married. When someone says to me, “You could be married if you wanted to be”, my response is usually something like this, “You are right. I could be married if I wanted to be. In fact, maybe this next weekend I’ll put on a really sexy outfit and hit the bars and try to meet some guy I don’t know very well and marry him and get knocked up so the problem will be solved.” And yes, I have really said that to people. So it might be an overly sarcastic response but it usually shuts people up. I’ve gone to single activities in my area every now and then. Usually when I go to when it’s such a bad experience it keeps me away for about 6 months or so. After that I think I forget how bad it was so I go to something else to try to “put myself out there” but it is just a reminder why I didn’t go to anything during the six months since the last activity. Sigh.

    This brings me to comment 49: It took me awhile to be open to the idea of marrying a non-member but now it doesn’t bother me at all and I’m all for it. The greatest men I have dated in recent years have not been members and I have had a better connection with them then any man I dated who was a member. So I am open to numerous options. I have friends who dated non-members and got so much flak and judgement from friends and family about it which is soooo sad. These girls are strong members and prayed a lot about dating and marrying these men. They did so under the direction of the spirit and most of them have been happily married and a couple of them have husbands who have been baptized since. Others haven’t and that is fine too. Marrying a non-member doesn’t mean you are lowering your standards even though people will make you feel like you are.

    So even though I don’t have children, I am constantly surronded by them. I teach school and live close by to family so I have about 11 young cousins that I spend time with regularly. I just moved in with a cousin of mine while I am trying to find a new job and have watched her 6 kids several times this last week and I definitely have developed a HUGE appreciation for who she is as a mother and all she does for her children. Recently I have been thinking about how many kids I want and I have decided to have just one if my body permits it and if my marriage status changes in the next 5 years. My choice reflects what is best for me and my relationship with God. My cousin’s choice to have 6 kids is reflective of what is best for her and her relationship with God.

    Sorry for rambling and sorry for being such a bad writer.

    Comment by Hillary — July 9, 2010 @ 3:08 pm

50. Anon…thanks for your perspective.

    In some real sense I feel guilt for having a large family (9 children). I dont’ know what Heavenly Father is thinking…I have mentioned this a time or two in prayer. I don’t feel like I have this excessive amount of patience..we surely don’t have this excessive amount of money. We have the number we have because of direct answers to prayer…we frequently wish those came with answers that also included where we should work, how this should work, how to parent so and so… It’s very, very humbling.

    We are asked at church why we have so many children-I have been told all sorts of things about birth control and how to better say no to my husband…what would you do if your husband and you kept getting specific and independent answers that it’s time to have a child? We do pray about it only because of the teachings of the prophets..and sometimes in completely unrelated prayers we have suddenly felt now is the time.

    I generally speak about the green of motherhood…not only because I see it and love it, but because I have been and have seen other be raked across the coals for bringing up any of the dirt…I know full well I chose this (personal revelation or not).

    I can completely see that other people have other missions…I can completely understand how no children would be heartbreaking, perfect for you or how 1 might be all you can handle. It has always been my philosophy that we should do what God wants us to do. Noah built a boat, Moses parted the waters…the point is to do what God wants.

    I’m glad people are reading stephanie’s post and not worrying about 5…but thinking about how they can better notice the green in their own lives.

    Comment by britt k — July 9, 2010 @ 3:14 pm

51. Sofia @ 44 - I’d say I feel guilty INside the church for NOT having more than 4, and guilty OUTside the church for HAVING more than 2. You wouldn’t believe how many times I have been made to feel by my husband’s family (East Coasters) that 4 is pushing it, or from my family practice doctor that we are irresponsible for having so many (and that’s in Idaho!) I think my doctor is quirky though and not the norm around here - the first thing she said when I told her I was pregnant with my 4th was, Did I want her list of recommendations for a good vasectomy? And she wasn’t joking.

    I could be offended and confused on either side, but fortunately I’ve finally concluded that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

    Comment by Corktree — July 9, 2010 @ 3:19 pm

52. britt–We may breastfeed, but we’re not planning on it because it’s harder to get pregnant when you’re breastfeeding. We were thinking, if we could, three kids in three years or less.

    Comment by AllieKay — July 9, 2010 @ 3:19 pm

53. Oh simple answer there…I hope you get what you want. I couldn’t remotely fathom that.

    Comment by britt k — July 9, 2010 @ 3:33 pm

54. My wise Mamma always smiles and tells me, “it’ll get better”. And it always does!

    Comment by AmazonaWomona — July 9, 2010 @ 3:34 pm

55. (it’s amazing how more money makes parenting easier).

    That is the no bones truth. While I realize that it’s not imperative to have a lot of money to begin a family, I do get irritated at the talks aimed at criticizing young people who would like to wait to actually be above the poverty line before they have them. It’s nobody’s business if a young couple decides not to struggle some more by bringing a child into the world before they can afford to. I think they should mind their own business in this particular area.

    Do any of us really sit an analyze our life “choices” before we make them?

    Yes. I’m one of those, both before and after, it’s why I loved briefings, debriefings and after action reports in the Army- I was queen of them. I try to make as informed and analytic a decision as I can, but plenty of times it’s those unknown elements that catch me off guard and thwart my attempts at an ordered life. I didn’t decide to have children- my body did. As far as I knew, the experts said I wouldn’t have any…and then I not only had to back peddle when I found out I was pregnant at my annual visit, but then pregnant again when the first was only 4 months old and I was breastfeeding around the clock. My third came when I had a tumor the size of a softball in my uterus and hadn’t had a period for two years. What can I say, I have kids that defy the odds. Even my adoptee came to us under bizzare circumstances. So, I sure would have sat down to decide if I thought I had some input, but clearly that was not in the Book of Life. I may have been cosmically tricked into having kids for my own good.

    RE: Spacing kids. I didn’t plan how mine were spaced. The good part about having them close together is that they can amuse each other. As little ones, they were either the best of friends or mortal enemies. Ds came when his sisters were already teens. That was sweet because they were birthing assistants and they do adore the little prince of the household. But…my son gets lonely- he is very social. I sent him to preschool not because he needed the curriculum, but because he needed to socialize more. I send him to camp for the same reason. It’s hard to decide, if you have that chance, but, I’d have to say that either way, it has its good points and its bad points either way.

    Comment by Kimberly — July 9, 2010 @ 3:43 pm

56. I know we have some control over our lives (much more in modern times than ever before), but I think a lot of it just sort of happens to us. To characterize it as if we really have full control is unfair to those in different circumstances, I think. I’ve made all the “choices” I know how to make to have a large LDS family and it still hasn’t happened. So I’m a single career-woman, making the best choices I can within that life to make me happy. I’m trying to be happy in that life, but I don’t feel like I really chose that life.

    anon for this - you took the words right out of my mouth. i am also single and 30 and don’t see marriage coming any time soon, even though i’ve done what i could to make that happen. in grad school, i remember the institute director’s wife telling me how grateful she was that she had all her children (4 boys and a girl) before she was 30. i’ve been following the “choices” thread and now think maybe she felt the need to validate her choice, since my friend (a year older than i am and still looking for a spouse as well) were both actively and happily pursuing our master’s degrees. but it still stung. i’ve wanted a large family since i was a little girl playing with cabbage patch dolls (thank heaven i’ve outgrown naming my kids after them). the older i get, the more reality shrinks my family. maybe i’ll adopt.

    Comment by just ann — July 9, 2010 @ 4:00 pm

57. it’s harder to get pregnant when you’re breastfeeding

    …laughing hysterically…that’s when #2 was conceived on 25% of a functioning ovary, round the clock nursing, 4 months post-partum, no returned period, first uncomfortable attempt at resuming sex because I tore from stem to stern. Careful about that and don’t count on it because it is a medical generalization.

    Comment by Kimberly — July 9, 2010 @ 4:00 pm

58. I LOVE having boys. They are disgusting and fart alot. Their feet stink and they break everything, but they are fun. Thing one and Thing 2 recently went down to TX for a week and although it was quiet, I missed them desperately. I cried all day the first day they were gone. People thought I was nuts.

    I can’t wait for them to be teenagers, and look forward to watching them grow into wonderful caring men.I’m sure they will still fart alot, but I don’t care. I bet they will be awesome!

    Comment by ...just call me cassandra — July 9, 2010 @ 4:08 pm

59. FWIW Thing one and Thing 2 are 15 months apart. Thing 2 and Baby Bran Muffin are 7 years apart. People often assume they have different dads, but I am always quick to tell people that because the first two were so close together I was just tired for 7 years.

    I will say having Baby Bran Muffin so far from his bro’s has been a joy. I have been able enjoy exclusively him and his big brothers are a big help.

    Comment by ...just call me cassandra — July 9, 2010 @ 4:14 pm

60. Stephanie, I love your earnest heart.

    To all the people who are childless and not by choice, I feel that pain - I am living and have lived that pain. But I think Stephanie’s message is still applicable. There is green in all of our lives that takes rummaging around in the dirt to get to. Maybe it’s education, developing relationships, serious introspection, personal development. Whatever rewards life offers us, they always come through intense hard work and unpleasantness. And it’s always easy to loose sight of the reward when you’re in the middle of the unpleasantness. I think there is a message of hope and optimism here for everyone.

    Comment by Reese Dixon — July 9, 2010 @ 5:14 pm

61. I grew up in SLC and large families were the norm (average was 5-8). When I was a high school sophomore my biology teacher ( a male) told the class that breastfeeding was nature’s birth control. I asked my dad, who was a physician, about it. After he and my mom finished laughing hysterically, my dad said, “Yeah, it works great, that’s why every kid in your biology class has a sibling in the grade ahead and the grade below them.” He also told me that a popular church book about teenagers and dating written by a medical colleague was suspect. The author advised that the youth take cold showers and exercise alot to fight off sexual yearnings. My dad again laughed and said that all that would do for the average teen was to make them cold, tired and still horny.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that the biological imperative to procreate is strong and nature is not on your side when you’re trying to plan and space your family. If you’re willing to play baby maybe or baby roullette, nursing may work for you.

    Comment by Black Sheep's Gray Lamb — July 9, 2010 @ 5:28 pm

62. AllieKay,

    I didn’t plan my spacing, I had each one when I was ready (although my doctor did suggest that for my body’s sake, give it 18 months between pregnancies to recover).

    My first two are 2.5 years apart, the next are 3 years and the last two will be 3.5 years apart. There’s no way I could have handled having them closer than that.

    There may be something to say about having them quickly and being done, but there’s also something to say about enjoying each one and not killing yourself trying to get the baby stage over with quickly. You’re going to have to decide what works for you (assuming you get what you plan on anyway).

    I’ve never had a hard time getting pregnant, and I planned for my last one to be born this past spring. Spring babies are the best, of course, I should have known better than to plan on anything. I had a miscarriage, and my spring baby didn’t happen. I’m lucky to be having a late summer baby (even though I told myself after my first was a late summer baby that I’d never do that again).

    I didn’t enjoy breastfeeding at first, but once we got it figured out, I’m glad I did it.

    Comment by Alliegator — July 9, 2010 @ 5:34 pm

63. Stephanie, great post! And excellent comments, all. It actually IS a lot of fun, except when it’s not

    As a mother of four boys, what really cheeses me is not the hands full comments but the “are you trying for a girl?” I get asked this almost daily. Like boys are second place? Like my life would somehow be so much more meaningful if I had a daughter?

    AllieKay, I think three in three or less sounds extremely intense. I had four in six (+one miscarriage) and it was (is?) extremely intense. I wouldn’t be so bold to say anything but a gentle suggestion to have your first and then wait a year to assess where you are physically, emotionally, etc. There are pros and cons to all kinds of spacing, if you have the luck to have it be an option for you.

    Recently, an acquaintance adopted her first (she’s in her early 50s–the lady, not the adoptee). Anywho, it’s been gratifying to hear her constant ode to mothers as she tells one and all how utterly blown away she is by the sheer magnitude of it all. The sleep deprivation, the struggling to find quality childcare, the juggling work commitments, it all means a lot more when you’re the one doing it. I don’t mean to sound sadistic; it’s just nice to hear people admit that it’s not as easy as some people make it look.

    And for all the singles, thanks for your valuable perspective. Ditto what Reese said.

    Comment by Lupita — July 9, 2010 @ 5:35 pm

64. Lupita- I have all boys also, when we found out this last one was also a boy, I got all sorts of comments and sad looks, and “are you going to try again for a girl?”

    I have a neighbor who has all girls, and she gets similar comments about trying again for a boy. I don’t know why it’s necessary to have one of each. Part of me would have liked a girl, but I love my kids and feel just fine being done at 4 boys.

    Comment by Alliegator — July 9, 2010 @ 5:41 pm

65. Yeah, I got the comments about the boy- several people said, “Oh, now you have your boy!” I don’t think they meant anything by it , although I know there is some residual thought out there that you aren’t a successful childbearer unless you’ve popped out an heir and a spare, but I usually just said, “no, I just got my third surprise package”.

    Comment by Kimberly — July 9, 2010 @ 5:47 pm

66. Alliegator, you’ll feel even finer when you get the membership packet in the mail. I especially enjoy my titanium blowtorch for removing the accumulated layers of bodily fluids from the bathroom floors, etc.

    Comment by Lupita — July 9, 2010 @ 5:52 pm

67. 

    Comment by Alliegator — July 9, 2010 @ 5:57 pm

68. Thanks for your advice, you guys. I didn’t mean to sound demeaning or to suggest that pregnancy and motherhood isn’t hard. It’s just that, having no experience, I have no way of knowing what even might work.

    Comment by AllieKay — July 9, 2010 @ 6:13 pm

69. re: 45

    We figured we’d want to have them all at once, one right after the other, no spacing. The reasoning behind that was so they would all play together and also that I wouldn’t be out of the workforce for too long. Once our youngest is in school, I plan on going back to work.

    Is it insane not to space kids out, or can you make it work?

    I’m the oldest in my family. My brother is eleven months younger than I, and my first sister eleven months younger than he. Each of us were unplanned. The last three (all girls) were each spaced out about two years.

    It can work. It was quite a challenge, but I’m not sure any permutation of childrearing isn’t quite a challenge. It was apparently tough to keep up with feedings and the diapers. I suppose there is the potential for extra emotional closeness with kids that near in age, but we didn’t really see it. My brother and I always roomed together, but we weren’t necessarily especially close friends, nor was my brother and first sister. I get the sense my first and second sisters were pretty close, and then my third and fourth sisters. That means the closest pairs were those with two-year gaps. But I’ve no idea whether that’s the standard, or whether we’re outliers.

    Keep in mind that with the kids extra close, there is also potential for extra competition and friction. When all the kids are all bout the same age, they are interested in the same toys, for example. Or the same sorts of activities. Or more likely to be compared with each other by teachers, church leaders, etc. That can be a problem.

    Mom also liked to blame us three oldest for “ruining her body,” but that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms…

    Just a few different things to consider.

    Comment by Derek — July 9, 2010 @ 6:42 pm

70. We had five girls. Five blond haired, blue eyed girls. When we had comments about ALL girls, we would just state, “When you have a good product, why change?”

    Comment by Win Marsh aka Amateur Parent — July 9, 2010 @ 6:51 pm

71. I don’t think you sounded demeaning, and I remember being in that boat of wanting to plan it all out and thinking, logically, what will be best for our family. I guess that’s part of the fun of parenthood, though–you just don’t know how it will be for YOU because everyone has such a different experience. And I always hate to see people so devastated by their plans being waylaid. It’s that whole idea of green all around us, we just have to look for it. (And I’m telling myself that as much as anyone.)

    Comment by Kim — July 9, 2010 @ 7:05 pm

72. Win Marsh, I LOVE that! Good line!

    And Derek brought up a good point about siblings being friends. My two, who are almost 2.5 years apart actually play together really well, and fight a lot, too, but at their age, that’s part of playing and spending all day every day together. I was worried that they’d be too far to do muich together until they’re a lot older, but its never been like that, since the little one turned about 15 months or so. And I’ve seen siblings that are even farther apart still have fantastic relationships, even when they are pretty young. I was pretty close to my brother who was 6 years younger, especially as we got older, but even as kids, I liked being with him.

    Comment by Kim — July 9, 2010 @ 7:10 pm

73. The important part is to choose the number of kids that works best for your personality. I have known from the get-go that I was a small family mom. I have one son and one daughter and that was absolutely perfect for me. But I have a brother in law who has 9 kids and they are all happy, healthy, successful etc.

    I have always felt that it is the mom that really makes the difference in a family size. If the mom is a big-family-mom then everyone does very well. I, on the other hand, am a small-family-mom.

    Comment by StillConfused — July 9, 2010 @ 10:44 pm

74. #11 thebookharlot: as a fellow military wife, at the end of my husbands 12 month deployment (just about two weeks left!!) i get it. i have two kids, and it is very difficult. do you have a good support group around you? email me at terinaj@yahoo.com if you want to talk more.
    sorry for the threadjack. now i will go back and read the rest of the comments.

    Comment by terina — July 9, 2010 @ 11:12 pm

75. Allie Kay - regarding spacing…it really depends on your circumstances at the time. I have 4 and the spacing is 2 1/2, 3, and 6 years. The first pregnancy was a cake walk, then I got pregnant again and they were going to be 2 years apart and I freaked out thinking why am I having a baby when I already have a BABY? I did not expect those emotions and I was so grateful when I miscarried, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. A few months later when I got pregnant again it was the right time and I was so much more peaceful. Baby #3 was such a bad pregnancy. I was down for 5 months. I wanted a 4th but I didn’t want to go through that much pain again and put that burden on my family if the pregnancy was hard but after 5 years we knew if we didn’t get pregnant that year we never would. The really hard thing with having my girl so far after the boys is all the boys play sports and it is really hard getting them all to their activities with the little one. So that is a definite consideration with the spacing, plus all the boys will move out and she will be the only one home by the time she is 12. I feel bad about that, but not bad enough to want a 5th.

    Comment by jpwllms — July 9, 2010 @ 11:52 pm

76. Wow Terina, not having to deal with all the day to day stuff, I can’t believe his time is up already! I’m sure you can though. Congratulations to the both of you!

    Comment by Reese Dixon — July 10, 2010 @ 12:56 am

77. Is it insane not to space kids out, or can you make it work?

    I have to comment on this one.

    We had three in three years. It was not “our” plan, and it was pretty crazy at first (three in diapers — sometimes I wonder how I did that!) but the return on investment has been unspeakably awesome.

    I LOVE having my kids so close. Of course it has its challenges, and it may not be for everyone, but know that it is possible and it has been such a blessing for us.

    (Nevermind the fact that I ended up with health issues that have meant we haven’t been able to have more, so having them come when they did was such a huge tender mercy.)

    That ties into the single sister’s comment from above. FWIW, even though I do have children, I can relate in a big way to the frustration of how much of this has been out of my control. Children came in quick succession, something I was not planning or expecting or thinking I could handle. And then that ‘choice’ in a sense was taken from me, or, better said, the deliberate choice has been reluctantly, repeatedly made to not have more. (I’ve been wanting another for about six years now.) It’s hard when your available choices don’t include the spectrum of what you may want, but for me it’s been quite a growth experience to learn to embrace the choices that are still there. Acceptance of the less than ideal can bring us closer to God, because we can come to understand that there is more to this life than just following some preconceived plan that we thought our life would follow.

    That’s been my experience anyway — hard to be sure, but spirit-stretching, too. I also am having to lean on eternal promises that righteous desires are not lost to God and will be fulfilled if we stay faithful. Again, I know it’s not the same as your situation, but I could still relate a little.

    Comment by Michelle — July 10, 2010 @ 1:46 am

78. thanks reese. it has been a very long year. and sometimes i think that if it had been just a deployment, i could have handled all of it so much better.

    ok, try to actually comment on the OP……

    i find myself feeling a lot like my children are burdens. part of it i know, is related to the fact i’ve pretty much been the only parent for 15 out of the last 18 months. and before that he was in school…..sometimes i see the little green shoots coming up (going with your metaphor) but sometimes i feel like i’m failing. it is very difficult parenting a child (my daughter) who is so different than i am. (she is the huggiest and kissiest girl i have ever seen. and about a million other things….) i think part of my problem is that my expectations of myself and what i should be able to do on my own, are too high. as well as my expectations of what my kids can do. i think because i have to step up during this particular time, i’m expecting them to do the same. a 6 year old and a 4 year old have no idea how to do that. then add in the fact that we have “only” two kids. (and it isn’t for lack of trying!) no one has ever said anything to me about my lack of a large family. but i am the oldest of 6, and i always thought i would have just as many. my body and my sanity said no. i think the biggest turning point for me in regards to if/when we have another, was when i just turned it over to HF. it was very painful to lose a baby almost halfway through. but now i see it as an act of compassion from HF. he knew what i had ahead. i struggle just enjoying my children. i am hoping that when my husband is home that my stress level changes, that i can work on adjusting my expectations and just enjoy being a family. and maybe see more of those green shoots, not only in my children, but in myself as well.

    Comment by terina — July 10, 2010 @ 2:51 am

79. It is true that the idea of a choice is sometimes galling. It was my ‘choice’ to get married in my early 20s and have 4 to 6 children. However, what I choose for myself did not happen. I eventually married in my early 30s and had 3 children. Even when married I felt that the idea of a choice was still not completely there. In theory I had time to have 4 babies but my body refused to cooperate. After 3 difficult pregnancies I followed up with 3 horrific miscarriages. My husband decided enough was enough, again taking some element of choice away from me. I think, in reality, very few get the life they would choose for themselves. I have suffered a lot over the years when my choices did not work out. I have felt pain. I have felt myself to be a failure. Yes, I have felt judged by others for not having more children. Being happy with what you have is a great place to be, but it is not easy for many to be there.

    Comment by Kay — July 10, 2010 @ 5:16 am

80. terina…wow. hugs here..that is stress.

    Comment by britt k — July 10, 2010 @ 5:36 am

81. terina- I had all those feelings after my divorce as a single mom, because essentially, due to the lengths of deployment, that’s what you end up doing, single parenting. It is overwhelming at times, having little or no relief with all of the responsibility- you have the additional worry over your dh’s safety.

    Motherhood is highly romanticized - and sometimes women get hemmed in when there is this oppressive code imposed regarding openly talking about some of the burdensome aspects. Babies and young children are a lot of work- Repetitive, boring work sometimes with a zing or two of enjoyment now and then. If you have a high needs kid, with any kind of medical problem (one of mine had colic for 18 months between 10pm and 2 am like clockwork), you can become bone-crushingly tired and that makes absolutely everything seem worse. My third never liked to sleep and he still doesn’t. He never napped from day one and never fell asleep before 10:30 pm. (My dh’s entire blood-related family is like that, except as they got older, the bedtime got later and later- averaging at 2am). My dd with with colic turned out to be a teen with Ulcerative Colitis, and surprise, sometimes I am still up all night with my fully grown daughter when she is episodic.

    Motherhood has it’s beautiful moments, those are the ones we immortalize for Hallmark status, but I think Stephanie’s analogy to a garden is a very good one. There’s quite a bit of preparation, tending, and waiting for the crop, with some delight in the sprouts. My state has tomato blight going around and you should see me hovering over my tomatoes, I’m glad my neighbor gardens too, because she doesn’t think I’m nuts when I chat to my plants.

    I’m taking a long time to say that it’s okay to let go of this guilt over knowing our own limits. I always, always think about Andrea Yates- my mother and I were just discussing the other day that her husband should have shared in her sentence. She tried to tell him several times that she was at wits end, both he and his mother were aware she was hallucinating and deluded…he kept patting her on the head, and then, she drowned their 5 children in a bathtub. My heart ached for the children and their mother, who was a poster child for the seriousness of PPD and the children all victims of society’s collusion in the cover-up of the downside of motherhood. It’s one of the many reasons why, as a nurse, this hush-hush attitude over mothers being able to express their ambivalence over the demands of parenting and asking for help when they are frustrated and overwhelmed, had to stop. Especially if the woman and her partner know she is inclined to this condition, she should receive tons of support in making careful decisions about family size because PPD can increase in intensity and duration with each pregnancy. Andrea belonged to a faith that preached having large families, mothers staying home, mothers rigorously seeing to their children’s religious upbringing, and homeschooling. Culturally, her church portrayed mothers who wanted to limit their family size, have a career or slacked on standards of perfection as selfish, lazy and unworthy- concerned with only earthly things. LDS culture shares some of that mind set. Yates’ high profile tragedy is one of the reasons that couples need to relegate their church’s positions on family size to the status of guidelines, ever prayerful and mindful of what is best for their particular situations. When I followed portions of Andrea’s trial, aside from it being evident that this woman was mentally disturbed, I heard a lot of aspects of commonality in her testimony with things that overwhelmed mothers share reluctantly because of the imposed guilt and harsh condemnation around the honesty of the emotional toll that mothering takes- especially if hormonal imbalances and physical exhaustion are involved. I heard a lot of judgment from people who don’t belong to a religious community that holds high expectations of its members- they had no idea how that can add exponential heaps of guilt to the guilt mothers already feel about not being perfect every minute of the day. Andrea privately fell apart and became central to her family’s tragedy, while she publically maintained the illusion of perfect motherhood within her faith and now she lives with being both the instrument of life and death of those dear children. Her husband helped her create that illusion and hide behind the pride of appearing to be a successful husband and father. Society saw their pretty family and beamed…until the funerals. And I’m still steamed that Rusty went on to marry and have another family without serving any time as an accessory. Probably how the law was written, but somehow, it never seemed fair to me (yes, I know he lost his children, but, he definitely contributed to their murders in turning a blind eye and continuing to impregnate a wife he knew was mentally unstable, suffered PPD and became increasingly unhinged with each subsequent child- in this case, who was actually more responsible, the sane or the insane person?).

    In your situation, you are an example of the best kind of mother, to know and state your own limits. Yours is a family that sacrifices both of the parents to the country’s defense. Many people don’t recognize that in a military family, the entire family serves, not just the deployed spouse, but also the spouse who stays home and holds it all together. Seriously, terina, may our Heavenly Parents bless you all and bless you for everything you do.

    Comment by Kimberly — July 10, 2010 @ 6:08 am

82. Kay:
    As difficult as it must have been for your husband to say “enough”, and for you to hear it, as far as I’m concerned, he demonstrated his love for all of you in doing so. If only Rusty Yates had done the same…not that you are an Andrea, but, the point is that our spouses have a responsibility to chime in when we are pushing the envelope.

    Wanting to marry in your 20’s was a goal and a hope that was dependent on opportunity, as was the number of children you wanted. Saying yes to the man who asked when you were in your 30’s was a choice. We don’t always meet our goals, but it doesn’t mean we lack self-determination and choices. Sometimes the only choice we have is in how to compensate for the lack of opportunity. The concept of choice never included guarantees in outcome because rare is the situation that doesn’t involve other factors.

    Comment by Kimberly — July 10, 2010 @ 6:18 am

83. I second Kimberly. I feel the same way about Andrea and Rusty Yates, which means I disagree with StillConfused. I don’t think it all depends on the mom - I think a lot of how many children a mother can handle depends on how much support she receives from her husband. If she doesn’t receive support, then it is extremely difficult to have a large family and have things go well.

    Hang in there, terina. It will get easier. Hugs to you.

    Comment by Stephanie — July 10, 2010 @ 9:18 am

84. I guess when it comes to being a mom having a decent dad goes along way to enjoying the journey. As a single mom again my biggest issue has been in being supported by my spouses. I have five kids in 2 litters ages 35, 32, 18, 16, and 13. That said I married really young and out of the church but all I ever wanted in life was to be married and have a family. My first marriage and when I remarried I married inside the church to what I thought was a worthy priesthood holder, wrong he was abusive but by the time I had the guts to leave I had 3 more kids. Each day as I would leave my kids I cried as I left the daycare because I felt like I was cheating them of their childhood. My suggestion it’s not to worry so much about the “quota” but about what you personaly can handle.
    I loved pregnency each time, the baby years and toddler years and now the teenage years (I also have 2 teenage grandkids). My older kids were easier pysically, I had more stamina, the younger ones were easier emotionally because I saw that each stage was beautiful to watch and experience. There was dirt and puke, dirty diapers…no sleep, feeling totaly alone because I didn’t have a suppotive spouse, but I love my kids. Would I do it over? I would not have had my tubes reversed to have the last 3 becaused most of all they deserve to be raised by 2 loving parents.
    I am now in school at 55 because I can now, but I still want to be a stay at home wife and mom. (I have be single for the past 12 years.)
    The depression was also a struggle not ppd but clinical. When I lost the last husband that went away.
    Be okay with what each of you chooses, God loves us all and knows our struggles and I have come to learn and have faith in that!!
    And #49 I feel your pain with the singles groups, I got a dog (the fluffy kind)
    I am grateful for the comments you have all shared it tough, I haope I haven’t been a downer.

    Comment by Cindy — July 10, 2010 @ 10:22 am

85. When I lost the last husband that (clinical depression) went away.

    Had to giggle at that one. I struggled with migraines for 5 years and had to take Zomig, Demerol and compazine to control them. Then, I divorced my first husband and they went away. I like to say that I divorced my migraine. My ex admits that it’s probably so.

    Cindy, I’m so sorry about your situation. It demonstrates that both marrying out of the church or in the church is still a crap shoot…there’s so much we don’t know until we actually settle down and live with our choice (same goes for them). I get very impatient with people who correlate temple marriage with happiness. Just because divorce rates are slightly lower among the LDS members, doesn’t mean they are staying together out of bliss. No such luck. There are jerks in and out of the church, and wonderful men in and out of the church. It bugs me when the sole emphasis is marrying a worthy PH holder…when really, that’s no guarantee.

    During the divorce from my first husband, one well-meaning LDS woman told me that it was too bad I hadn’t found the church before I married him because I wouldn’t be going through this if I’d been married to a worthy LDS man in the temple. She was a sweet woman, who truly thought she was helping me- I didn’t have the heart to remind her that Mormons divorce too, so, my eye-roll was discreet.

    Comment by Kimberly — July 10, 2010 @ 12:26 pm

86. I love this post Stephanie, thank you for sharing some of the fruits of your labors with us. I can relate a bit, even though I only have one child. The older he gets, the more I enjoy parenting. In fact, I think it’s going to be hard if we’re ever able to get pregnant again or adopt - at this point the difficult baby stage is a distant memory.

    When my son was a few months old he was colicky (we later found out it was a milk allergy) and I remember crying to my mom on the phone and asking her how in the world she did it - she had 3 kids in 3 years (and 3 more later, spaced out a bit more.) Her response: “Oh, it was so fun! Those were the best years. I never thought it was hard.” I wanted to go shoot myself.

    Comment by Chelsea — July 10, 2010 @ 3:16 pm

87. “Oh, it was so fun! Those were the best years. I never thought it was hard.” I wanted to go shoot myself.

    It is a lot of fun in retrospect. Once we get to the point where we realize how temporary it all was (doesn’t seem like it at the time), it’s funny how everything falls into perspective and the hellish aspects take on a much softer glow. The memories of exhaustion grow dim and when we are missing our small, jelly-stained faced kids who snuggle and smooch…well, all of a sudden the word we’re using is “fun” while we’re in our nostalgic haze.

    I have to laugh at myself when I talk to other mothers with colicky babies who are worn to a frazzle. Relating how I got through dd’s 18 months of screaming from 10p-2a daily and always screamed in the car, even if we were only in it for 10 minutes…it all seems mildly amusing to me now, especially since she’s turned out so wonderfully as a young woman… but, when she’s up at 2am, and I’m wide awake while she has a bout of Ulcerative colitis, trying to help her get back to sleep while she’s in a fetal position in pain…rubbing her head, playing with her hair…a 3am hospital run…it all comes back, how hard it was trying to fix something for her that isn’t fixable, how tired I was, how I wondered how to get through the next day, dreading the time it would happen again, wondering what on earth I had gotten myself into.

    It is possible that your mom is one of those rare and fortunate mothers who had all her ducks in a row and was blessed with relatively easy children and a very laid back personality herself. I had one of those children and maybe if all of them were that text book, it would have been an unmitigated delight…but no, I’m still leaning that your mother was waxing nostalgic. And even the easy child had her days.
    My own mother said something similar about me when I was a child- that I was “delightful”…I’m afraid I laughed in her face and asked her if we needed to add dementia to her diagnosis. I remember me and I remember her screaming like a banshee chasing after my hoodlum self. I was every parent’s nightmare until I was about 6 years old. I scared off every available babysitter within three towns. I remember her sobbing on the phone to my aunt and saying that she had no idea what made me such a hellish little fiend (she was not exaggerating, but the answer was boredom and curiosity and a penchant for imaginative mischief…terrible combination).

    Comment by Kimberly — July 10, 2010 @ 3:53 pm

88. Kimberly, I’ll bet every mother out there that has a ‘hellish little fiend’ just took a sigh of relief knowing that their child could grow up to be even half as great as you. You amaze me every day with your great insight and compassion.

    Comment by IdahoG-ma — July 10, 2010 @ 5:35 pm

89. You must be a doting Grandma…I’m still a hellish fiend, ask my dh- I’ve just learned to channel it more effectively, like in advocacy. Now my brothers…they are some really great people- I can’t hold a candle to ‘em. But it was funny, second youngest brother was the perfect child, no lie…but, his kinks and jinx came upon him in the teens and boy- it was rugged. The youngest had his crisis at 17, when he finally came out as gay and was on the brink of killing himself over Catholic guilt (Mormons do not have the corner on guilt after all)…that kept the family hopping until he settled into his own skin.

    My grandmother handled me best. She was the only person intuitive enough to keep me too busy to get into trouble. She was strict but very kind and consistent and always seemed so glad to see me when my parents were so SO glad to get rid of me (I don’t blame them). They used to leave me with her for the entire summer, which I loved.

    Comment by Kimberly — July 10, 2010 @ 7:32 pm

90. Ahhh, a Grandma’s girl, I knew it.

    Comment by IdahoG-ma — July 10, 2010 @ 8:21 pm

91. Kimberly, You are right on all counts - my mom is very laid back, we were mostly easy kids, and most of all, she has a terrible memory (I get that from her.) After that conversation though I vowed to myself that I would never claim “it was never hard” to a new mom still struggling in those early days - even if eventually that’s how I remember it.

    Comment by Chelsea — July 10, 2010 @ 9:10 pm

92. I agree with Kimberly…I think the main issue is that motherhood is so romanticized that you are expected to be HAPPY (said with a big, plastic smiley face) all the time. Throw in the whole “blessings” churchy doctrine, and you better be HAPPY and surrounded by babies or else. Or else you’re judged to be unfaithful, unrighteous, etc.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately…a girl in my ward who just got married a few years ago, got pregnant immediately after they wed, and is now pregnant again, the babies will be less than 2 years apart. They seem uber happy, but I just feel sad for her. She’s barely out of her teens for heavens sake. I know it can work (I did the same thing myself). But now that I’m older, I’m seeing other paths and other ways of doing things, and I’m wondering WHY do we this to ourselves?! WHY is this considered the “right” way?

    Sadly, I’ve come to conclude its mostly a way of keeping women uneducated, home, and out of trouble. The same way they encourage young men to marry as soon as they get home from their mission. It doesn’t matter if they are emotionally, financially ready or not, just keep that boy out of trouble! Same so with the girls. We don’t want them becoming financially independent, embroiled in a career path, or to start questioning anything. Just get her barefoot, pregnant int he kitchen and keep her out of trouble!

    Thats not to say I dont think children are blessings. I do. I love my kids. I think they teach lessons you can’t get any other way. I do believe in the plan of ‘happiness’ (but btw, I dont like the name of it), and in families and etc. I’m on my way to having a literal handful.

    But I just don’t like how it all goes down. I don’t like that so many young families are on welfare by CHOICE. I don’t like that so many families say “we felt it was right” when they are literally starving and dependent on others for food and shelter. I don’t like when women are literally buried in PPD and have another baby because its “been two years” and they grew up with this warped idea that all their babies need to be within 2 years of age. I don’t like when I hear my friends saying their husband has the say of when they will have another baby (what?!) because they are the priesthood holder and therefore, inspired.

    It just seems really wrong to me.

    Comment by Olive — July 11, 2010 @ 5:14 pm

93. I see the counsel of “have children while you are young” from an older perspective. For years, I felt surrounded by bBias and young kids. Now, that time is gone. And I find myself recognizing how short of years of fertility are.

    There are many of my collegues who wait for children due to a variety of reasons. When they are ready, often their bodies have lost the ability. Adoption becomes their only option. And if you are a little older, it is harder to adopt.

    Starting a family at 35, if you suddenly realize that you really would like a big family, it is physically more difficult and harder to handle college expenses when retirement is looming in front of you.

    The older I get, the more I see fertility as an incrediable gift.

    Comment by Win Marsh aka Amateur Parent — July 11, 2010 @ 9:05 pm

94. “Oh, it was so fun! Those were the best years. I never thought it was hard.” I wanted to go shoot myself.

    I would have, too, if someone had said this to me during my first few months. I remember sitting in my house one dark winter night with my one daughter, who was an easy baby, rarely cried, no colic, went right to sleep, kept to a schedule, and just wanting to break down thinking about all the Mormon women I knew who had four impossible kids and were the Primary president and seemed to be coping beautifully. I had one easy child and I was barely making it from one hour to the next (due to breastfeeding nightmares and post-partum depression). I don’t know when in my life I’ve felt so utterly inadequate and hopeless.

    Comment by ZD Eve — July 11, 2010 @ 9:42 pm

95. (Which is probably why I make the sorts of comments to people with five children like “You must have your hands full!” I think it’s largely because it looks so utterly impossible to me. As far as I’m concerned, watching someone juggle five under ten is the approximate equivalent of watching someone sprout wings and flap her way to the moon. )

    Comment by ZD Eve — July 11, 2010 @ 10:07 pm

96. ZD Eve~I had five and when I see someone with a passel of little ones I get so tired thinking about it I have to go take a nap.

    Comment by IdahoG-ma — July 11, 2010 @ 10:16 pm

97. Well, to be honest, ZD Eve, it feels that way sometimes, too.

    Comment by Stephanie — July 11, 2010 @ 10:43 pm

98. I really liked this post, Stephanie. It’s wonderful to hear how you’re enjoying your kids (and I’m glad you had a good time at Six Flags; I can’t even go on the crazy rides–I get motion sick). You made me want to re-examine how I talk about my kids to other people. I mean when you were offering a counterpoint to yourself for talking about how difficult your kids can be. Now I can’t recall if you said this or I thought it, but I feel like sometimes when I say something like that too much, it comes to dominate my own perception of the experience.

    Also, in addition to being good fun kids, your kids are too cute to be believed!

    Kimberly #81, great analysis of the Andrea Yates tragedy. It’s not like it came out of nowhere. Her response was extreme, but it really highlighted very real pressures that parents (almost always mothers) face.

    Comment by Ziff — July 11, 2010 @ 10:48 pm

99. Thank you, Ziff. You have got some good looking boys yourself! DH gets sick on the rides, too. That’s why he had baby duty. It was nice that I got to be the “cool” parent for once.

    Comment by Stephanie — July 11, 2010 @ 10:58 pm

100. I can relate…I have five between 8 and 23 and I wish I could have another, but I’m pretty sure my eggs are expiring as I write this. Being a mother defines me, which is as feminist as you can get as far as I’m concerned, what power!. My husband has told me on hundreds of occasions how much he envies my ability to give birth and be a mom, it’s the ultimate gift. Everything else is tiny compared, not saying there aren’t a million wonderful things to do and be besides a parent, they just pale in comparison (again, according to me). I’m not usually this corny, but I love hearing woman talk about the joy and fun of motherhood!

     Comment by Renae — July 12, 2010 @ 3:07 pm

101. […] Stephanie on her choice to have five children. […]

     Pingback by The Exponent » Blog Archive » Virtual Oasis — July 17, 2010 @ 11:42 pm

102. […] the ranters) so I decided to go back and read a few of her recent articles.  I really loved “It’s actually a lot of fun,”  describing her life with five kids, four of them boys.  It’s not an […]

     Pingback by Lindsay recommends: Emily’s recommendations « Don’t call us, we’ll call you — August 26, 2010 @ 5:07 pm

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