Anonymity, Thy Name is Woman
[This post has been rolling around my brain for some time, but a recent crop of posts and comments has spurred me to finally finish and post it. Here goes nuthin’.]
When I was a very young child, I could never separate my first name from my last. When asked my name, I would carefully and proudly pronounce each syllable, the family name following swift upon the heels of my given name, as if the two names were one and I could not bear to stop only half way through. Both names were then, and they remain, crucial aspects of my identity. There was never a question (for myself or for my husband) of whether or not I would change my name when we married. My name is too much a part of me to trade in at this late stage. But this post is not about keeping names (go here for that discussion). This post is about using them.
I am a proud member of my clan, and I have always wanted to do honor to my name. I would like to think that I have lived my life in a way that makes my family proud (or at least, not ashamed) to share my name. My father, in particular, always seemed so tickled when the accomplishments of his children would appear in some newspaper or another, and he never batted an eye when I did not change my name upon marriage. He raised his daughters (and his sons) to be strong, independent, thoughtful, and active—to do what we believe to be right, and do it with our heads held high. And so it was a great blow to me when my father said, upon my announcement that I would be participating permanently on FMH, “You won’t be using our name, will you?” He’s conservative, so of course I expected that he’d roll his eyes at the site, but I never expected that he’d think it was something to be ashamed of. It hurt me, but what has been an even greater blow to my sense of self, is that I actually allowed his statement to curtail my use of my own name.
When I first began commenting on various blogs in the ‘nacle, I chose a pseudonym (Athena) that has meaning for me—it hearkens back to a favorite childhood memory shared with my cousin—and that in some way reflects my personality. But when I committed to joining FMH as a permablogger, I was seriously leaning toward using my real name. Until that conversation with Dad. Since then, I have been rationalizing my choice by telling myself all of the excellent reasons for anonymity online. And there are many excellent reasons. It’s just that none of them are mine.
I am open and honest about my experiences in life, so much so that I think anyone who knows me and reads this site would probably recognize me pretty quickly. My coworkers (and even my boss) know I blog, and they know where. People in my ward know I blog, and where, and I don’t think I say much on this site that I wouldn’t say to people in my physical presence. My family obviously knows, and I am not naïve enough to believe that my Dad (who is notoriously snoopy—Hi Dad!) is not reading it from time to time to see just what I’m up to. I have not been using anonymity to protect myself, I have in some way been using it to protect my father.
Over these months, I’ve been thinking a lot about the nature of anonymity, and my own experience with it (being uncharacteristically cowed by my uncharacteristically patriarchal patriarch) has led me to wonder if there is not something particularly female about the use of it. Virigina Woolf has rather famously been quoted as saying “For much of history, Anonymous was a woman.” And for much of history, the reasons for this have been obvious. The public sphere was a man’s world, and the private sphere (the home), was woman’s. A woman venturing into the public sphere, by say, writing a book or political pamphlet, would have to do it either anonymously, or pseudonymously in the guise of a man. Think of George Elliot, or the Brontes. Anonymity in this case provided not only safety, but legitimacy.
Of course, women aren’t the only ones to be famously anonymous. Take Thomas Paine. In his introduction to Common Sense, he wrote, “Who the Author of this Production is, is wholly unnecessary to the Public, as the Object for Attention is the Doctrine itself, not the Man.” (Feb 14, 1776, emphasis original). This is probably the sort of thing many of us who participate pseudonymously aspire to. We want readers to be focused on what we’re saying, not who we are. There is a certain amount of legitimacy to the claim that one can only be totally truthful when one is either anonymous or dead, but I do wonder how gendered anonymity is.
Let us return for a moment to Virginia Woolf. She says:
Anonymity runs in [women’s] blood. The desire to be veiled still possesses them. They are not even now as concerned about the health of their fame as men are, and speaking generally, will pass a tombstone or a signpost without feeling an irresistible desire to cut their names on it.
What do you all think of that? As women, do you feel more comfortable not getting attention? (Or men, do you observe this phenomenon?) Do you actually feel a sense of wanting to be “veiled”? It’s true that women have not historically been the ones out there trying to make their mark on the world. Women don’t seem to be nearly as preoccupied with fame as men have historically been. (It is interesting to note that a month after its original publication, Common Sense appeared again under Paine’s name.) Women are not the ones writing the official versions of history (ahem. Herstory. heh. ). Instead, women traditionally sink their identities into home and family, disappearing into the names of their husbands (Mrs. John Smith), and becoming “Susie’s Mom.” Women are less present in the scriptures, and the ones who do appear, often are not named (ie, the mothers of the stripling warriors). And Heavenly Mother? You get the picture.
Some guy (I forget who, but he wasn’t anonymous when he said it) once said that “Anonymity is the highest form of altruism.” Women are often said to be naturally more selfless than men (I dunno about that, but I agree that we are certainly culturally encouraged to be so), so would we then be more naturally prone to anonymity?
I certainly couldn’t statistically prove this claim, but it seems that in the ‘nacle, most of those who post using first and last names, or whose blogs identify them fully tend to be men. Seth’s timely comment (#13 here) points to a few of them (and notice also that it is Seth’s mother who brought up the prudence of anonymity to him). It seems to me that here at FMH our commenters (who are predominantly women…I think…) almost exclusively use pseudonyms, or anonymously common first names, or unidentifiable clusters of initials. This is of course in no way to condemn the practice. It think anonymity is an important “safe house” to preserve for those who chose to use it. But I want to know why. Do you post anonymously/pseudonymously to protect yourself, or to protect others? Is it a question of secret or sacred? Is it an interest in legitimacy, honesty, safety, or peer-pressure? Something I haven’t mentioned?
As for me, well, I’ve come to a decision. My father gave me my name. I’ve kept it, I’ve used it, I’ve honored it, and I will continue to do so. My family is just going to have to trust me with the name they have given me, and I’m going to have to trust myself with it, too. The cloak of anonymity has been chafing, not because I desire recognition (I’ve not done much worth recognizing), but because I want to be what I’ve been taught by my parents to be: true to myself, and proud of my heritage. Therefore, “off ye lendings!” (says mad, naked King Lear, not to mention Mr. Rochester in the very cool Gypsy scene).
Hello, my name is Emily Summerhays, and I am pleased to make your acquaintance.
[With any luck, we’ll be able to straighten my new/old name out administratively very soon. Perhaps for a while I’ll be Emily, the Blogger Formerly Known As Athena. 
]
Emily is a beautiful name.
Comment by Karen 8 — December 1, 2005 @ 1:07 pm
For awhile now I’ve toyed with the idea of changing my name on various mailings (catalogs, magazines, etc.) to Mrs. Husband’s Name, just so that I could be more anonymous. I don’t really know why. Kind of like there’s the real me (my own name) for people I know and then the secret identity (Mrs. Husband) for everyone else. My mom HATES it when people call her by her first name instead of Mrs. So and So. She lectures bank tellers, store clerks, anyone that isn’t a friend or family member. At first I thought she was being old-fashioned, but the older I get, the more I relate.
I don’t feel like I’m trying to hide stuff, I just want to be private. (And I don’t think it’s a gender thing because my husband is the same way).
Comment by Carrie W. — December 1, 2005 @ 1:49 pm
Brava, Emily! Now I won’t have to worry about slipping up and accidentally revealing your name. (Now I just have to worry about doing it with mine.)
This is an excellent, though-provoking essay and I need to ponder it more. However, in response to your questions of why I and others choose anonymity, I can tell you that I do do it out of self-protection and safety. I’m still struggling to get my family (mostly my mother) to accept that I’ve kept my birth name. Most conversations I have with my family where I dip into my liberalist opinions or experiences where the ward/church/whatever is being a bit too conservative or closed-minded for my liking–well, they don’t exactly foster an appreciation of my views. Rather than stir up the pot, I try to focus on things we have in common (idealogically or for fun) and build our relationships. Liberal things tend to estrange them from me, so I leave them out as needed. Besides, I rather avoid up-close-and-personal conflict with my family–they have an uncanny knack for discombobulating my composure when giving me feedback on my errant, liberal ways.
I do make a point of using my name, whether with work, friends, or family, including extended family. One reason–because I didn’t make a big announcement about keeping my name after I got married–both because I didn’t want confrontations and I didn’t feel I needed to apologize for the decision–some of the extended family seem to not have gotten the message. Some conveniently forget to use it or remind others to use it. And my mom still likes to add DH’s name or initals to mine whenever she gets the opportunity (such as keeping track of Thanksgiving games’ scores). So if I want my name to be properly recognized and kept in circulation, I have to be diligent.
Comment by Artemis — December 1, 2005 @ 1:56 pm
Good for you Emily! (I for one am glad you are using a “real” name now - I won’t get you and Artemis confused now, and maybe I will start to form a better mental picture of where you are coming from. Call me ditzy, but I could never remember who said what before - just, one of the goddesses.
Great post. I can’t identify with the desire to be “veiled” - I’ve rarely felt that in any aspect of my life. I’m always the one who talks too much and too often in RS, the outspoken one at book club, the one who likes to talk in sacrament meeting, etc. It’s not always charming.
On the internet I post somewhat anonymously (first name only - although it’s a real email address) just because some of the things I post (doubts, questions) are not something I want to share with just any old Joe who might happen to drop by the naccle. I’m not ashamed of my doubt, it’s just a private thing.
Comment by Sue — December 1, 2005 @ 2:04 pm
To clarify, that last explanation was about why I choose anonymity in the Bloggernacle, particularly on fMh. For it to become known that I publicly proclaim myself feminist and that I harbor such views as y’all have been privy too–it could certainly cause some familial distress. Though, I should say, some of my comments are an attempt to work out an opinion, rather than a settled, nail-my-colors-to-this-”extreme”-mast kind of an opinion. It is nice to have the flexibility to explore things and not have to defend my ideas while they are still largely undeveloped or, really, unconcluded.
Comment by Artemis — December 1, 2005 @ 2:08 pm
I think what’s interesting is that in my experience, whether I have wanted anonymity or not, people tend to give it to me (and other women). Be it by ignoring my very presence or dismissing my opinions and ideas, it seems that both men and women are culturally prone to let women blend into the background.
For example, I went to a meeting with another male student to meet a bunch of lawyers. Whenever the lawyers had something to tell the two of us, they would without fail, speak only to the male student and overlook my presence.
I think it’s easy to fall into a more anonymous role because it is culturally upheld. It’s much like it’s easy to fall into gender roles even if someone doesn’t want to because that’s what is culturally upheld.
My real name is Adrianne. I don’t post under a pseudonym. I like my name because I have yet to run into someone who has my name. Also, since it’s consistently butchered in pronunciation and spelling (it’s pronounced like it’s spelled–Adri-anne, versus Adri-in and often spelled Andriann, Adrian, Adrienne, etc.), I’ve grown protective of it. I like it. I want to use it. I don’t go by nicknames or post under pseudonyms. Not because I’m making a statement or anything…I just really like my name and I am proud of the fact that my mom made an effort to give me a unique name (hence the weird spelling and pronunciation).
However, the online world is a bit different. Anyone familiar with www.dooce.com knows that this is a blogger who was fired from her job because of her blog. It seems like it could never happen, but it did. On a smaller scale, sometimes people post things that they wouldn’t necessarily say to the face of someone. Or sometimes people post personal, deep things that they aren’t comfortable saying outloud and the online forum is a safe environment to do so.
In my own personal blogging, I give pseudonyms to everyone I reference. They don’t ask to be included in my blog for others to read about. Not to mention, with the advent of “googling” who wants to put someone’s name on there and then have someone stumble on a person that’s mention on a blog.
Safety is an issue as well. For example, someone once found my home address and phone number based on a photo link I posted on my blog. In the photo, from my school paper, my first and last name were listed. From there, this reader went to my school’s website, looked up my name, and found my cell phone number, my work number, my parents’ address, my email address, and my home address. Luckily, he was only in search of my email address to discuss something privately about my blog and he notified me that all my information was available in a quick search, so I was able to clear my information from the school’s database. However, it’s a scary reality that you can find anyone almost anywhere.
Online, I understand the need/want for anonymity. However, I think when women become anonymous, especially against their will, in reality, then I see a problem. When women just become background noise or just someone’s mom, sister, aunt, etc, we really marginalize that woman as a person with thoughts, hopes, ideas, opinions, problems, and a real life.
It’s difficult to tell in the church when it’s a sacred or a secret thing. Heavenly Mother is supposedly not discussed and kept quiet because she’s sacred. I was once told by a leader that Heavenly Father loves her so much that He didn’t want people to defoul her name in the way that they do His name and Christ’s name. It’s a beautiful idea that HF lvoes her so much he wants to protect her. But, does it cross the line from sacred and respect for HM into secret when we aren’t ever allowed to discuss her or contemplate about her or look at her a as a role model? I’m not saying it is…it’s just a question.
It’s hard to draw the line where it’s sacred or secret. Perhaps women aren’t mentioned as much to prevent defiling of their names and characters. Or perhaps it’s because they are overlooked and slip into the background.
I think it’s a personal thing. If you let women slip into anonymity, they will. If we focued an entire lesson on the stripling warriors’ mothers, rather than just on the strippling warriors, we would know more of the character of the women we’d like to be (or be with, as the case may be). I think we have to make an effort in regards to women and church to make sure that we don’t let those scriptural women disappear.
Comment by adrianne — December 1, 2005 @ 3:46 pm
Interesting comment. And intersting question. Here’s a different question for you — perhaps it isn’t so much women per se who use anonymity as a shield, as it is the powerless..
Also, with the introduction of the internet and the media-like ‘broadcast’ powers it affords anyone who cares to use it, anonymity seems to be becoming more and more important for members of both sexes. Just try googling the words anonymous and internet. You’ll get a lot.
You might also find this interesting. I did.
NO
Comment by Not Ophelia — December 1, 2005 @ 4:36 pm
Hello, Emily!
As one of the few female LDS bloggers who is quite comfortable to not hide behind a pseudonym, I am glad to have company!
Comment by Peggy Snow Cahill — December 1, 2005 @ 4:46 pm
Welcome Emily!
The anonymity issue is a complicated one for me. Peggy Snow Cahill says in her profile on her blog that she is “generally wearing [her] heart on [her] sleeve…”; that is how I am…I am very sensitive and tend to share a lot with others. I’m not embarrassed or self-conscious about what I share, and in fact wish sometimes I could be more open and honest.
But I worry my mother will read what I write, and a lot of what I write (and will write) has a lot to do with her in one way or another (I had a traumatic childhood), therefore I use a pseudonym. But even with that, I share so much it would be easy to pick me out amongst the crowd.
So why do I go for partial anonymity? I want to remain somewhat anonymous for my children’s safety (don’t want a pedophile knocking on my door), and as I said earlier, to shield me from my mother. My real name isn’t very common, so if I used it, my mother and others could figure it out (with all the other info I share) that it was me. The likelihood of my mom ever actually “blogging” and participating is very low, but still, for me, it is a concern.
Maybe these aren’t good reasons, but they are mine. Maybe someday I’ll feel stronger and bolder, and will drop the psuedonym. But that time has not yet come.
Comment by princessleah_mom — December 1, 2005 @ 5:42 pm
I know I really debated the anonimity (sp?) thing when I first started this blog. I did use a psydonym when I first started commenting at T&S (As I’ve mentioned before).
Being unknown was such a tempting warm blanket. And it’s something a lot of people NEED. I didn’t need it, but it was still a temptation.
I honestly had never thought about so many of the issues you brought up in this post. I’m so glad you wrote it. I do think that being a women makes me hesitate to put myself out there in ways I would not hesitate if I had a Y chromosome. Why? I dunno. But the more I think about it the more I think you’re right.
In the end, I decided that the legitimacy of using my name was more important to me at that time than the saftey of being hidden. But I still get nervous about the exposure.
Comment by fMhLisa — December 1, 2005 @ 5:53 pm
Common generic first name only here. In the places I post under a pseudonym, I do so because it’s a part of the culture. Out here, I use only my first name because my DH is a very private person. I have written enough about myself that a persistent person would be able to put together who I am, and it would probably be REALLY EASY for someone with admin rights anywhere I post. But by omitting my last name, I am able to shield my DH, to some extent, from anything obnoxious or outrageous I might say.
“Plausible deniability!”
Comment by Ann — December 1, 2005 @ 6:36 pm
I’m not very anonymous online. I don’t have my full name attached to every post, but it doesn’t really take a genius to figure it out or dig it up from past posts. I’ve also posted on my blog about the town I live in, the work I do, and my kids. I wonder sometimes if this is just a stupid thing to do. Am I feeling like a cyber-teenager, invincible? Maybe. But it seems like so much work to keep up a secret identity. I’m not up for it.
As for the desire to be veiled — I don’t have it, though I know some women who do. It seems to have to do with personality differences more than gender differences. Some people are just more private than others.
I don’t feel the need to tag my name on things. I’m not even that particular about receiving a byline on things I write professionally, for the most part. As long as they pay me, it’s all good.
Comment by Ana — December 1, 2005 @ 6:46 pm
There’s way too much temptation for me personally to vent things here (that frustrate me) that would probably bring me repercussion, marginalization and various other sundry difficulties in a Ward or local community setting (I live in Utah Valley, ’nuff said!).
Comment by Rich — December 1, 2005 @ 9:23 pm
This is a very thoughtful post. I’m reminded of the conversation after the first ZietCast on the annonymity debate.
My first comments in the naccle included my Entire name with my middle initial. I guess I wanted everyone to know who made those brilliant comments! That was way too long and there being several Jonathans about, I shortened it to my current handle. All joking aside, however, blogging is not simply catharsis and community; it is about self. Of the hundreds of post I’ve authored, there are a handful that I look back on with fondness. I am pleased that my name is on them and that others who read them and meet me know that I wrote them. I am also fortunate that I am in a postition where I the luxury of using my name. All do not have that.
Also, like I mentioned in the ZeitCast thread, I believe that there is an extra measure of credibility that comes with full disclosure. That is not to say that you can’t be annonymously credible…becasue you can.
Comment by J. Stapley — December 1, 2005 @ 10:12 pm
I agree with NO in post 7. The tendency of anonymity among women has less to do with our sex and more to do with powerlessness. Historically, women may have felt it necessary to hide their identity in order to have their ideas taken seriously. I think women are just as recognition-hungry as men but have been forced to hide their identity in order to enter the arena of public discourse.
Comment by Kori — December 1, 2005 @ 10:23 pm
“I do think that being a women makes me hesitate to put myself out there in ways I would not hesitate if I had a Y chromosome.”
This is interesting because it does seem that more men than women in the ‘Nacle use pseudonyms. I could be wrong, I suppose, as some handles are not gender specific.
Comment by Tim J. — December 1, 2005 @ 10:30 pm
Well done, Emily. This is a thoughtful and courageous post.
When I first started blogging, I considered using a pseudonym. I almost did, but in the end, I decided to use my first name, since there didn’t seem to be anyone else using that name. It didn’t even occur to me to put my last name, but I think it has been posted occassionally. I decided to use my name because I wanted to feel fully responsible for my comments. I wanted to feel secure that what I posted was nothing I wouldn’t say personally to people. And I wanted to prove that I wasn’t ashamed of my feelings, thoughts, and ideas.
That said, I totally understand those who want to use false names to protect loved ones. Luckily for me, I don’t have any family members that blog.
Caroline (Kline)
Comment by Caroline — December 1, 2005 @ 10:35 pm
Although I have little time any more for anything other than lurking on the ‘net (6 kids, homeschooling, loaded calling), I still use the pseudonym I began my forays into cyberspace with over ten years ago. So really, I consider it “my” name. And then there’s the little complication of having the same name as a porn star (just try googling “Nikki Hunter”–wait, don’t).
Comment by Idahospud — December 2, 2005 @ 1:37 am
Thank you all for re-welcoming me, and for your kind and thoughtful responses. And thank you to the admin genie who magically changed all my information so quickly! We really are SO on top of things around here. :-p
Carrie W. – Can I draw you out a bit more without embarrassing or seeming to pry? Do you think your mom sees her status as Mrs. Husband in the same way you view it—as a “secret identity”—or as her own identity that she hates for people to try to deny her? Also, if your husband is the same way you are, how does he manifest his desire for privacy? He doesn’t have the same cultural opportunity to “masquerade” as Mr. Wife.
Artemis – I completely understand and respect the desire to keep family ties as tied as possible. The “conversation” I had with my dad over FMH was very ugly and upsetting to me—I’ve always been such a daddy’s girl. And I know what you mean about half-baked ideas. I hope we all realize that these discussions are in a way organic— usually a means to work through questions and issues together, rather than firm beliefs to bludgeon each other over the head with.
Sue – I’m sure that part of the confusion is that Artemis and I almost always agree with and often unknowingly echo one another—it’s what brought us together in the beginning! I’ve never really wanted to be “veiled” either. Left alone, yes, but that’s different. I worry about the “any old Joe” issue, as well. It bothers me that people might judge me based on a few aspects of my personality and life that get blogged, but I suppose it is a risk I am willing to take.
Adrianne- I actually grew up with an Adrianne, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t you. I agree that anonymity is often just handed to women, whether we want it or not. And as a few people have mentioned, sometimes we do want it–it’s a very nice, safe place to hide (and I don’t mean that in a derogatory way). It’s often much more comfortable to speak as a disembodied voice, especially when risking private things. I wonder if men ever envy the added “privacy” women seem to enjoy in the home, or wish they weren’t the “natural” object of everyone’s gaze, etc?
NO and Kori – I absolutely agree about powerlessness. I think, though, that online-ness tends to level some of these playing fields a bit. Or maybe it’s just that online, the players tend to be from similar backgrounds and status (they have computers, internet access, free time to sit and blog, etc). A “John” online might be White, Black, Asian, Native American, etc., but he’s still male, and therefore more traditionally powerful than any Jane. I’m very interested in how power and gender function online. The “space” of the internet presents us with an interesting mix of publicness and privateness, as well, does it not? Discuss!
Princessleah_mom – These are perfectly good reasons. I hope no one thinks my post is meant to attack their reasons for anonymity. Far from it.
fMhLisa – I feel good about my decision, too. It’s the right one for me. But yeah. Nervous. Eek.
Ana – Do you observe more of your male friends or more of your female friends as having this desire to be veiled? Or do you think it’s about equal?
LisaB – What? Not the volleyball player? Damn. Well, I guess this is a good time for me to point out that I’m not Miss Teen Iowa, either. I know, you were all convinced that I was a Beauty Queen… alas…I’m a frump.
J. Stapley – I had considered linking to that conversation on the Zeitcast, but then I would probably have succumbed to the temptation to point out that perhaps Steve was so uncomfortable with the subject because he was still in the midst of his pre-Bannergate deception! I was hoping to overcome that temptation. :-p Hm. Guess I’m not ready for the higher law, yet. In seriousness, though, I still fully agree that one can be credible and anonymous, but I cede your point that the greater risk commands that slight extra measure (and not because I’m now “out,” either!). You can also count me among the admirers of your posts. I wish I had the dedication to research that you seem to have, but I am still in a post graduate school anti-study funk. Meh.
Idahospud! I am just shocked! Shocked I tell you!
Comment by EmilyS (or The Blogger Formerly Known as Athena) — December 2, 2005 @ 1:46 am
OK,
Since you linked to my comment, and this seems like the place for it,
Do you think I should use my full name on the Bloggernacle?
I’ll admit, I kinda like the pseudonyms I’ve created for myself on other web forums and might not mind using one of them here. The Bloggernacle is the first place I started using my real name.
I’ll probably address the actual content of this thread later. But for now, I guess I can fulfill Emily’s implication that men are glory hogs and ask you all: what about me?
Comment by Seth Rogers — December 2, 2005 @ 10:10 am
Emily,
This is a really thought-provoking post. Thank you.
I post under maria because I’m trying to protect my husband’s identity. Even though we have different last names, mine is um…pretty hard to forget…and, hence, easily associated with his.
Because he is the bishop, he and I were initially concerned that readers might confuse my viewpoints with his. And, he characteristically never takes a public stand on controversial issues, and I almost always pipe up, and pipe up loudly. I guess what it all comes down to is that he doesn’t want to have to debate my opinions on gender, politics, immigration, etc. with members of our ward that also blog. Or his fundamentalist, conservative, orthodox family.
I guess I feel safe posting this much information about us here, because, well….most people in our ward (and also DH’s family) wouldn’t be caught dead on this website! Yet another reason why I love this place so much.
Comment by maria — December 2, 2005 @ 10:30 am
EmilyS, I didn’t feel your post was attacking me or my reasons for using a pseudonym…on the contrary, it made me really think about my reasons for using one.
When I chose my pseudonym, it took all of 30 seconds to decide on PrincessLeah_Mom (I love Star Wars (hey, Artemis!), my cousin and I use to write each other with him as Luke Skywalker and me as Princess Leah, and now I am a mom).
On my personal blog, I go by a different pseudonym because I didn’t want people googling or searching for anything having to do with Star Wars, and going to my site only to find that it didn’t deal with Star Wars at all, other than the fact that I love it.
Your post just made me take a few minutes to mull over my deeper reasonings of why I want to remain “veiled”. I still have a lot to think about. Thank you for your honesty and “courage” (yes, I think it is courageous) to allow the real you to step forward.
I do think I can be honest to myself and others while still using a pseudonym. And like IdahoSpud, the names I chose have become me, especially the one I use on my blog because that is the name my hubby calls me.
Comment by princessleah_mom — December 2, 2005 @ 10:55 am
So, Emily, I’m putting 2 and 2 together (with Artemis’ help)–are you the one who lives in NYC?
Comment by maria — December 2, 2005 @ 11:01 am
Carrie W. – Can I draw you out a bit more without embarrassing or seeming to pry? Do you think your mom sees her status as Mrs. Husband in the same way you view it—as a “secret identity”—or as her own identity that she hates for people to try to deny her? Also, if your husband is the same way you are, how does he manifest his desire for privacy? He doesn’t have the same cultural opportunity to “masquerade” as Mr. Wife.
My mom started right off using her Mrs. Husband name as a high school teacher and in the 60s you just didn’t use first names at school, ever. And then, when standards became more relaxed she still just clung to it. Mom and Dad had an unhappy marriage (she’s a widow now) and she always liked her maiden name better, so I know she doesn’t use the Mrs. Husband title as a status symbol or anything. She finds strangers who call her by her first name as rude and oblivious to manners. She also really admires Native American cultures. For some, your name holds your power, and if you give it out too freely, you lose part of yourself.
My husband always uses a pseudonym for the internet. His email is just initials. But he doesn’t care if co-workers, stangers, whatever call him by his first name. On his mission, he was often Elder First Name.
Comment by Carrie W — December 2, 2005 @ 11:32 am
Sorry, meant to make the quote italic, not the whole post. Der.
Comment by Carrie W — December 2, 2005 @ 11:34 am
I haven’t really understood where your Father was coming from. Does he object to your membership of this site per se, or specifically to some things that you’ve written on here? What’s leading him to take such a strong position?
Comment by J Alfred — December 2, 2005 @ 12:13 pm
I never bothered to blog anonymously because everybody already knows everything there is to know (or at least as much as you really need to know!) about the Oman family because of T&S. I didn’t feel like I had to protect myself, because my cover was already blown.
However, all but one of my fellow bloggers at MMW have decided to blog anonymously. They blog SO anonymously that there are members of my own family who still don’t realize who The Wiz is, although they all certainly know her. The Wiz blogs anonymously because her husband was very wary of putting out any info about them and their family on the internet, so she chose her pseudonym, and others have followed suit. I think they are less concerned with the “veil of anonymity” than with keeping their families protected.
Comment by Heather Oman — December 2, 2005 @ 1:27 pm
I’m a little late ot the party, but I wanted to chime in a little, at least. There are two serious layers to this question. One is the practical layer regarding the wisdom of full identity, etc, disclosure on the ‘net.
Two is bigger than the ‘nacle, the blogosphere, and even the internet. There is a gender relations, core cultural assumption to be picked apart. Helplessness in our culture is not confined to women, by a longshot, but it is, in many subtle ways, enforced more on our sex. Before anyone jumps on that comment, know that it *is* incompletely stated. Bear with me here.
Our “culture of helplessness” manifests differently in men and women–mostly because it’s embedded in most people’s windowframes, and so they don’t even see it when they look out at the world. This is a bit of a banner cause for me; I really think it is one of the fundamentally flawed aspects of our culture, and certainly one of our biggest stumbling blocks to living a Christ-like life individually and collectively.
I have not unraveled the problem yet–it’s a regular gordian knot, but I am pulling together signs and symptoms of it.
Alas, it’s time to get my daughter at the bus–more soon.
Comment by Naiah Earhart — December 2, 2005 @ 1:30 pm
My reasons for anonymity have changed during the time I’ve been online. I am no longer concerned about my parents finding out how seriously I doubt the LDS church’s claims, because I have told them. I am now more concerned about potential employers discovering that I am active in online discussions. Some employers think twice about any applicant whose personal views are accessible via Google searches, no matter how inoffensive those views might be. I hope the number of such employers is very few and getting fewer, but it is a risk I feel I cannot take.
Comment by Beijing — December 2, 2005 @ 2:10 pm
I use my name and initial here because I felt like:
A) nobody will ever really figure out who I am, how many Marissa’s are there in the world? A TON
B) If I was going to stop lurking and start speaking, then everyone at least deserved to know who to point their fingers at when they said “tsk, tsk”
It was a hard choice here though, because I felt like using my actual name was exposing my soft underbelly to the world. Someone can poke and jab at my other screenname in other forums all they want, but if it was to be done with my actual name, then it would be more real to me. So I decided I’m okay with that, I love me anyways, and I know lots of other people who do too, so I can’t be all bad, right?
I do have one blog for family, where I use my real name, and one for me, where I do not. Names were changed to protect the innocent, and also because it’s a place for me to think out loud and express part of myself that I may want to disavow later
Comment by MarissaS — December 2, 2005 @ 2:36 pm
I wish I could be anonymous. It always creeps me out when people I know from real life read something I’ve written on the Bloggernacle. Alas, my cobloggers wanted onymity.
Comment by Adam Greenwood — December 2, 2005 @ 4:27 pm
Wow! An Adam sighting!
Comment by Seth Rogers — December 2, 2005 @ 4:31 pm
Primarily, I agree with Minerva–having someone take umbrage with your pseudonym is less personal, therefore less painful, even when I deserve it for being a pinhead. Second, using my real name would allow anyone else in the Air Force to track me down, and by extension my boss, fairly quickly. There are enough LDS members in the service that I considered it a possibility that one of them might spot me, and it’s a small enough community to be an issue. Although anyone else I’ve worked with for the last 7 years would know who I was just from the callsign… Finally, I did at one point use my full real name on LDS Singles, and someone there tracked me down and called me at my parents’ house multiple times, when he was not invited to do so. I trust all of “you”, but I’m not up for any more unwelcome surprises.
Comment by Space Chick — December 2, 2005 @ 5:16 pm
Seth – You, you, you! What a typical male response….
Since you ask, my personal feeling is that you ought to remain as you are. The horse is out of the barn, so to speak, but more than that, we know and love you as Seth Rogers. And besides, you play roller hockey!
Maria – yes, I’m the New Yorker (although I’ve heard you can’t count yourself as a real New Yorker until you’ve lived here 7 years. I’m only at 3.5. May I ask how you feel about this protection of your husband? I think that in many ways, we women do hide our thoughts and feelings in order to preserve relationships with men, or protect our husbands/fathers/others from having to explain their outspoken womenfolk. Certainly I understand where you’re coming from on this, as it’s pretty much the same thing my dad was concerned with (my husband is quite proud of me and what we all do here on this site, lucky me!), but does it bug you that you have to (or have chosen to) sacrifice the use of your identity for his…comfort? (No disrespect meant to your husband or your relationship or anything, of course. This is a sincere line of inquiry.)
Carrie W. – I agree with the name holding power thing. I think that’s a large part of why I was so hesitant at first to throw my name about the internet (when I first started commenting) and why I want to use it now (because I’m committed to participating in what I think is a Very Good Thing). I am aware that I’m a walking contradiction!
Mr. Prufrock – I myself was pretty confused about where my dad was coming from. He had never read anything on this blog –hadn’t ever heard of it before, in fact— and so his response was quite unexpected. I think he was laboring under the same misconception that many conservative LDS men hold who lived through the ERA era: feminism is a dirty word, all feminists are ranting militants, we couldn’t possibly be doing anything on this site except griping and weakening each others’ testimonies, etc. All things that are exactly the opposite of what we do here, and quite contrary to anything with which I would involve myself. He hasn’t mentioned it again (he likes to let arguments fade into obscurity), so perhaps he WILL wear the fMh T-shirt he’s getting for Christmas!
Naiah – I thank you for clarifying the two layers of the question. You are absolutely right. I don’t think one can overemphasize the practical reasons for being anonymous online, but I am definitely most interested in addressing the gender/cultural assumptions at work here. I look forward to your comments.
Adam – You could always start posting pseudonymously as Zorg over her.
You know, let your true feminist feelings have free rein at last! By the way, I have some NASA paraphernalia (mission patches, pins, stickers) that you might be interested in…but it’ll cost you!
Comment by EmilyS (or The Blogger Formerly Known as Athena) — December 2, 2005 @ 5:25 pm
I have a suggestion: go with the handle “Emily Athena.” If you like, think of it as a short form of the ungainly “EmilyS (or the Blogger Formerly Known as Athena).”
Comment by Dave — December 2, 2005 @ 7:19 pm
Emily Athena,
Every time I find out the name of a blogger (or at least, one who writes interesting stuff) I google it. To see what else this person has done.
And I must say, I’m awful surprised to find a Miss Teen Iowa and Nashville recording artist here on FMH. . .
Seth,
I’d stick with your name. I don’t see much downside — it’s a sufficiently common name that your blog comments probably won’t even register on any google page someone looks at. (I just checked the first two pages for “Seth Rogers” and didn’t see any google hits).
Even if it were more distinct and more likely to come up on a google search (like mine, I guess), I prefer onymity. I like to get credit for my good ideas, assuming that I have any.
Comment by Kaimi — December 2, 2005 @ 10:06 pm
I just had an interesting thought about our identity as it relates to being “Mrs. so-and-so”. Our ward is about 60-75% military, since it encompasses an Air Force base(Space Chick, I’ll be looking for you). My husband had to leave for a few months when we got here. This happens to many of the men here, so it’s not unusual for us to meet someone and immediatly remark something like “Oh, you are sister so-and-so’s husband”. My dearly beloved was referred to as “Marissa’s husband, the Army Guy” for at least 2 months before they could remember he had a name of his own. Turn about is fair play I say.
Comment by MarissaS — December 2, 2005 @ 11:39 pm
I post anonymously for a protection of sorts. I have lots of doubts and I entertain unorthodox ideas; my family is very orthodox and it’s just easier to for them to not know that I doubt. It is drastically annoying to become the family project, or even the ward project. I’ve tried to be open with them a little, tested the waters somewhat and it’s no good. They worry and pray and the awkwardness of having people afraid that you are going to hell and maybe there is something they can say that will clear everything up. Why put them through that? Why put me through that?
I also post anonymously because the internet me is not all of me. It’s the depressed, frustrated side of myself that I don’t unleash on the real world, that I keep hidden. I process that stuff anonymously on the internet so that it won’t show up in real life. And it works. On a side note, I usually keep the unfriendly stuff on my weblog, leave it behind when I comment elsewhere.
I am dismayed by the notion that full disclosure brings extra credibility. I’ve come across similar statements across the mormon weblog community; interestingly, it always seems to be men (with something to prove?) who put down the credibility of anonymous posters. And it also seems to be the men who are more interested in being right than in learning what is right… “I use my full name, full names are more credible, my name is more full than yours, therefore I win.” Very convincing. (ooh, that last little bit was the unfriendly stuff spilling over. sorry.)
Comment by anonymous — December 3, 2005 @ 1:23 am
Well, with my anxiety disorders, that probably explains my anonymity. That, and I had someone steal my checkbook, credit cards, and social security once (pre-marital), and in their check-writing spree, I learned at one store that a woman had handed over an ID with my name, but her picture on it. That was SCARY!
Also, I always wanted a positive nickname, growing up, and it was only about 5 or 6 years ago that I hit upon “Sarebear”. Or as my husband prefers, Sarebare . . . .
Um. My face is a LOT pinker than the screen right now. And I’m craving Lindsor Truffles . . . . not really, on that last, but some chocolate would be good!!
Comment by Sarebear — December 3, 2005 @ 2:53 am
Kaimi,
Does Google spit out different results each time? Because I just checked and, to my dismay, my bloggernacle posts showed up on both page 2, and page 3, and several thereafter.
So much for keeping my own rule ….
Comment by Seth Rogers — December 3, 2005 @ 1:37 pm
Dave – Thanks for the suggestion. EmilyS (TBFKAAthena) is rather unwieldy, and was meant to be used only for a very short time, to ease the transition, as it were. Perhaps I can change to Emily S. Athena for a bit, and then just eventually be Emily S? I have seen another “Emily” posting here and there ‘round the ‘nacle, and I don’t want to encroach, so I need that “S.” Or should I just be Emily Athena forever? Who knew this would be such an involved changeover? Other suggestions anyone? I know you’re all terribly interested in what I call myself, so maybe there should be a blog poll to decide…
Kaimi – I am flattered that you find me interesting enough to Google. Alas, I am not interesting enough to have been Miss Teen Iowa. While I am not yet a Nashville star, either, perhaps LisaB and I can band together for a FMH Bluegrass Christmas number! I happen to know that Artemis is a talented musician as well, so perhaps it will be a trio. Oh the possibilities! Oh the logistical problems…
Anonymous – Thanks for joining us. I hope in some way we can help out here with the depressed, frustrated side of things. And please know I mean that in a much less cheesy way than it sounds. I abhor being a “project” myself, and I know what it’s like to feel that you are being a spiritual burden for someone else. Do email us and let us know if there is something you’d like to be discussed here that we haven’t brought or aren’t bringing up. Also, if you followed the link in J. Stapley’s comment to the other conversation we had about credibility, you’ll find me arguing, pseudonymously, the same point you’re making here. I don’t think that full disclosure gives much more credibility, and I am certainly the last person to assume that a pseudo/anonymous person is not credible, but I do think that the ability to easily trace a “real” identity eases, in the minds of many, that sliver of doubt caused by a anonymity. Those doubts, I think, are largely a problem of having so many anonymous mischiefmakers spoiling anonymity for the rest of us. Then again, some people have no compunction about lying or being nasty under their real names…
Sarebear! Ha!
Comment by EmilyS (or The Blogger Formerly Known as Athena) — December 3, 2005 @ 10:19 pm
Happily I’m the only mindy I’ve seen around the ‘naccle. I used to post on a public forum and I went by mindala, which a lot of people thought was my real name. At the time I first started posting here, though, I wasn’t using a pseudonym anywhere, so it didn’t really occur to me. My family doesn’t blog at all, that I know of, so I’m not worried about them discovering my unorthodox views. I think they’d expect it from their enviromentalist, evolutionist, vegetarian daughter though.
As far as the larger issue is concerned, I’ve not really felt a draw to be anonymous. It’s easy to see how historically it was the default role for women. The women would stay in the home and the men would go out into the world. Sometimes now I have times where I do feel somewhat anonymous since I’m not out battling the world or climbing the corporate ladder, but I know that I’m known to anyone who is important to me.
And hey! I’m from Idaho too! Just visited there for Thanksgiving, too.
Comment by mindy — December 4, 2005 @ 10:01 am
I started out posting with my real name, but my husband was totally taken aback by it, and because I like the idea of expressing my (working) thoughts without people thinking that my thoughts are who I really am, I switched to a psuedonym–Sortof. Jules is my nickname and has been since birth. It had been buried for a while, but I unearthed it so I could post freely without fear of offending or judgement.
I like that some people have the courage to post with their real names.
Emily- I love the image of being veiled. I like the misty, rose colored view from the inside looking out, and I like that those looking in can barely see at all. To me, it is very reverent and surreal. I want to be veiled (in the blog world). It is very safe and secure.
Comment by jules — December 7, 2005 @ 12:14 am
Emily #35:
I’ve been thinking about it, and I guess I don’t just post anonymously to protect my husband’s identity. If that were the only reason I wrote under the name maria, I might be bugged by it. But that’s only part of it, not all of it. The more I examine my motivations, the more that I’m starting to realize that *I* like being anonymous—because then I’m not held accountable for those opinions later on with people I actually have to interact with face to face. Maybe I’m just a big wimp—but for now anonymity seems the best way to express my [evolving] opinions comfortably and without fear.
Comment by maria — December 9, 2005 @ 8:19 am
I post under a pseudonym because I think it’s fun. That’s really what it comes down to. I use my real name (Laura Summerhays…yes I’m lucky enough to be related to Emily) all day everyday, and I have a few little alteregos that like to be acknowledged now and then.
I use the name Minerva less because I fancy myself a goddess and more because it has had particular significance in my life more than once.
Comment by Minerva — December 9, 2005 @ 9:54 am
Well, I decided.
I’m going to post under an abbreviation from now on.
Sorry, Emily. I think your decision is probably right for you. But with my college days over, and embarking on a career, I think that it’s time to be more careful with my internet persona. It would be exhausting to have to worry about how my persona here is impacting my image elsewhere.
Happy holidays!
Seth Rogers
Comment by Seth R. — December 13, 2005 @ 9:53 am
this was a timely post in my life. i was just having this conversation with a friend. my handle is a shortened/nickname of my full name. it’s wierd because i’ll post pictures of myself, and have put my full name at various parts on my blog… but for some reason, i still feel slightly uncomfortable to use my full name as my handle.
i didn’t think it had to do with being a woman (and my male friends are more likely to use their real name)… but on thinking about it, i find this strange connection to a safety thing. as strong as i think i am, i get nervous walking by myself late at night, whereas my male friends don’t really think about it. and i feel this same sort of safety thing when i think about the internet. do i really think someone will come track me down if i posted my full name? no, but there is that doubt. so i guess i blog somewhat anonymously because of my gender. but at the same time, that’s not the full reason. jeez… my head hurts thinking about the ‘real’ reason.
Comment by aisy — December 13, 2005 @ 9:41 pm
Seth,
No need to apologize, of course! If the girls are coming out more and the boys are showing more caution, then we’re learning from each other, right?
Maria, Julies, Aisy, et al.
Anonymity certainly can be a big, warm, fuzzy security blanket, can’t it. I have to tell you that I feel kinda weird without it now. I wanted to do this post about Tom Jones, and now I’m worried about the silliness factor. heh. I’ll probably do it anyway, of course, because I embraced my silliness a long time ago…
Comment by EmilyS (or The Blogger Formerly Known as Athena) — December 14, 2005 @ 4:03 pm
Since this is the come clean with your true identity page, I figured that this is the best place to post this. I’m not coming out with my real real identity, but I am merging the name I’ve been using here, with the name I’ve always had for myself online. Also I’m letting all of you know that I’ve started a real blog (instead of the ‘worship my baby’ site that I’ve been linking to). After I get a real post up, I’m going to list it with the archipelago. I’m just letting people know, in case they wanted to know.
Comment by Starfoxy(formerly known as Andermom) — December 20, 2005 @ 4:37 pm
um, okay, I should have double checked the link, Here is my new blog.
Comment by Starfoxy (formerly known as Andermom) — December 20, 2005 @ 9:34 pm
Argh. This was way harder than it should have been.
Here is my new blog, and there will it ever stay!
Comment by Starfoxy/Andermom — December 21, 2005 @ 10:13 am
Hi, from an anonymous blogger. I love this article. I can really relate. I’m anonymous on my blog out of fear. I grew up being chastened for speaking my mind, and although I was legendarily sassy, the punishment must have sunk in and stayed in this belief: it is dangerous to be seen. It is definitely not an innate belief, but one that was drilled in to me, unfortunate experience by unfortunate experience. Could I really go out in the light of day? What about my proffessional career? What about the weaknesses I’ve exposed. I don’t know, Athena/Emily/Bravehearted.
Comment by Braidwood — December 21, 2005 @ 6:35 pm
Time has come to reveal my true identy.
Comment by Odin aka J. Stapley — December 21, 2005 @ 7:02 pm
Well, I’ve often ran across people who’ve come from a family with family pride. Like for Em Sum, Summerhays carries a lot of meaning. My family never really talked about being proud of the family name. As for my husband’s family, their last name carries some clout. They are always talking of the old country and what it means to Swedish. When I got married, I was excited to inherit this legend, and raise my children with Spjut pride.
Interesting enough when I entered graduate school I still used my maiden name. My deplomia has my madian name on it. Maybe, even if it wasn’t engrained in me, I too have some pride in my name. In the study on the wall my future kids will see that it is the Olsen side in my that gave me the fuel for who I am.
Interesting article.
Thanks Em,
Jen
Comment by jennifer — June 12, 2006 @ 8:47 pm
Em knows me pretty well. However, the “ungly” discussion, as I remember it, seemed to stem from my complete lack of understanding of what “blogging” is. I still don’t understand fully the what and why’s of it. Yes, i do check in here from time to time because I just love to be amazed at my little girl’s depth of thought and command of expression.
As to the issue keeping her name. I was stunned then and still don’t understand. Call me conservative. I am that. I’m a traditionalist. Until my daughters elected to keep their maiden names the only women I’d ever met who kept their maiden names or the hyphenated version were the strident, in-your-face bra burners of the 60’s. Hence my utter surprise and bewilderment. My children are everything to me. I am proud beyond expression of them for their character and accomplishments. I guess that I’m from a different time and so I don’t really understand. Do you see a theme here? I don’t understand. But, it is fun to tease her from time to time, like making her birthday checks out to emily (husband’s last name).
I, too, am proud of the family name. When I grew up it was on the side of a small fleet of trucks and across the top of a large warehouse. Everyone in our city knew our family and, more importantly, how to correctly spell the family name. But to me, in the public forum, anonymity is safety. Security. It keeps you off mailing lists and crazy people aren’t calling you. Even Emily’s big sister, who shares her interests and abilities in so many things, chooses to be anonymous on this site. My opinion, Em, is that revealing your identity in a forum like this is careless. But I’ve been wrong before.
Also, I am not wearing the FMH tee shirt because you never gave me one, and it likely wouldn’t fit anyway. Besides, I won’t wear any shirts any more without a pocket to hold my stuff… But I know that Jake wears his.
Lastly, lest anyone not understand me. I’m endlessly proud of my children, each for who and what they are. And, from some other discussion on this site about why have kids, they are the greatest joy in my life (”man is that he might have joy”). Also, I’ll be needing someone to take care of me in a few more years…
Well, blog on, youngsters. Enjoy life, do your best, have faith and make sure that if someone is important in your life you tell them so before they aren’t around anymore.
Comment by Emily's Dad — October 8, 2006 @ 12:39 am
Well, I know this thread has been dead for a while, but I found it and decided to post. I’ve never previously considered anonymity to be a feminist issue, but it bears some thought. My reason for anonymity is because of my career aspirations. Someday, I want to be a judge, and I don’t want some incoherent thought I wrote at midnight when I was 24 to come back and bite me at a confirmation hearing.
That said, I totally respect anyone’s decision to be anonymous, or not. Whatever works.
(On a side note, after I started posting as Keri, I noticed that there is a Kerri posting as well. I apologize if the similarity in our handles causes any confusion.)
Comment by Keri — December 8, 2006 @ 1:45 am
Yes, a total lack of ambition does make one rather comfortable in one’s “real” skin. Can you imagine if I ever tried to do something public or important (which I have no intention of doing), this blog is like a gold mine of embarassment.
Comment by fMhLisa — December 8, 2006 @ 2:02 am
Emily,
Just wanted to say thanks for the essay that appeared in the most recent Sunstone. I wish you well in your ongoing journey.
Comment by rkt — October 15, 2008 @ 3:07 pm