Life Sucks
I thought about putting a question mark behind that title, but as you can see I didn’t.
And it’s not that I think that my life sucks particularly. Because it doesn’t. Seriously, as lives go, it doesn’t get much better than the one I’ve got. What’s not to like? I’d even go so far as to say that I’m happy. Most of the time.
Which is, really, as it should be. What kind of freak is happy all the time? I mean haven’t they heard of global warming, AIDS, sex slavery? Wipe that smile off your face right now. Life sucks.
And not just if you have AIDS, or if your Alaskan fishing village is falling into the ocean, or if you’ve been chained to a bed and raped since you were three-years-old. Everyone’s lives suck.
To me, housewifery is mind-numbing drudgery and I’d give just about anything to escape riotous diarrhea duty. My husband hates his job, it’s sucking his soul, so you’d think it would be a good thing that his company is imploding and he’s (probably) going to be jobless soon, except for the bills, because we do like our heat. My various friends are fighting addiction, sinking into depression, divorcing a gay husband, married to a loser, overwhelmed by children, losing a home, battling chronic illness, disappointed in themselves, unhappy in their jobs, unhappy in their homes, helpless as their children make scary choices.
All in all, not horrendous as problems go. I suppose. We could be in post-earthquake Pakistan, or Darfur, or North Korea. Now that’s bad.
How’s that for bringing a little cheer into your day?
So what’s my point? I suppose I should have one. Well, I’m not sure that I feel like making a point anymore. Anyone want a good sulk? Me too.
Ah hem. My point?
Well I’ve been staring at the computer screen for fifteen minutes and I’m not finding a quick and easy answer to that. But I do know that I’ve been thinking a lot about the Mormon culture of happiness lately.
We’ve all heard it said, amongst ourselves, that Mormons are the happiest people on the planet. Clean living, family time, modest clothing, and hundred-watt smiles. We’ve all heard the stories of the converts who were intrigued by all this happiness, and drawn to the fold and happily ever after. But we’ve also heard the rumors about Utah being the prozac center of the universe.
Personally, I’m of the opinion that we Mormons probably aren’t very much happier or sadder than the rest of the world. (I could be wrong here, I have been before.) We’re all just people after all, and our lives suck.
But what we do have is a cultural-religious pressure to be happy. All the time. It’s not enough just to enjoy those precious moments when the kids are super cute and the toilets are clean and that giddy rush of well-being fills you right up until you’re ready to burst. It’s not enough to spend those precious moments being grateful and basking in that ultimate ephemeral experience, happiness. No, you must be happy, because righteous people are happy. You are happy for an audience of potential converts who will see any sign of unhappiness as an excuse not to convert. You must be happy because all good people are, and you are good.
And so when the baby poop gets overwhelming and you cry, and when the job sucks your soul, and when your son gets hospitalized for depression. Rather than taking these moments of unhappiness as just a fact of life, because life sucks, we take them very personally. As a sign of our unrighteousness, our lack of faith, our personal weakness. We search for ways to make ourselves more righteous so we can be happy, more scripture reading, more prayers, more devotion, but then we’re still not happy, so we must be missing that essential . . . last . . . thing. Must. Be. Happy.
Sure, sure, sure, bad choices, sin, those can be the source of much unhappiness. But so many of the things that make us sad are entirely beyond our control (because life sucks) that it just seems to me that the happy Mormon thing may be a detrimental myth. We can’t be that happy, it’s just not right.
Which isn’t to say that we should just give up and bask in the cruelty of it all. We should grasp those unexpected moments when life is really really good. We should create lives in which those moments happen as often as possible. But maybe next time we hear about how happy we are, and how lucky we are, we can remember that sometimes life sucks. And it’s okay to be sad about that.
Lisa,
I’m sorry.
The culture of happiness is really hard to deal with. I’ve got a friend that I’m nagging constantly to pretend to be happy in the church social setting. I’m finding it hard to balance the idea that feelings are ok with the practical social need to put up a certain front so as to not drive others away.
I’ve got no answers.
Comment by D-Train — January 25, 2006 @ 2:49 am
My dearest Lisa,
Happiness is a state of mind. I know this sounds trite, but I believe it is true. Paraphrasing Tennesse Williams,: ‘The difference between and adventure and a bad moment is the lens in which it is seen.’ Most people are quite happy about their problems in life and do not comment them outside their close friends circle. My mother-in-law once remarked to my wife about this that people do not have to know what problems you have at home. You present your self pleasant, not because you are hipocrate of ‘have to’, but because you want to. Let me elaborate further. Does Brother X or Sister Y have to know everything about me when I do not know them? No. Plus, when you decide to be happy, interactions with the rest of the world seem more pleasant and constructive. Your perception about most issues presents an adequate dimension. If you are reading this post extremely angry or sad or happy, what you perceive as the message changes radically. Maybe it was a bad day and you just decide to vent all the anger, frustration at home and work. It is good to have such venues in which we can release all the pressure life has.
Yes, life is full of HIV/AIDS, US not entering into global warming protocols, murders, law suits, etc. yet there is also a big part that is not covered by the news that makes a counterpoint to it. Consider the first time that a baby discovers a flower, or the stars in the sky. The time when you are exhausted and your daughter comes with a modernistic sketch and shows how proud she is of you. Yes, life sucks… the joy of it if we let her.
Comment by AlexG — January 25, 2006 @ 4:53 am
Lisa,
Life is difficult and can be painful and unpleasant at times, and even horribly cruel. But, it can also be pleasant, wonderful, and occasionally sublime.
I see the experiences of life as a frame of reference. The more experiences you have and wider the variety, the bigger your frame of reference. Lets say the upper right hand corner is the happy-good corner and the lower left corner is the sad-bad corner. In order for your frame of reference to be larger than a key hole, you have to have a lot of bad experiences and good ones, all mixed together. And, one really cannot appreciate how wonderful a sublime moment is unless there is a big distance between the upper right and lower left corners. If your frame of reference is tiny, then there is little appreciation for anything out of the ordinary. Also, a tiny frame of reference make it difficult, if not impossible to empathize with others, whereas a large frame of reference makes it much easier to feel others pain and console them.
The LDS may not be all that much happier than others, but any faithful LDS person/couple/family should be able to dodge a lot of the common afflictions the average member of their society is afflicted with. This is not to say we will be spared hardship, as that is clearly not the case. It is to say that while we suffer the individual hardships we struggle with, we are, under ideal circumstances, spared the additional burden of WofW problems, gambling debts, infidelity, unchastity, etc. And, we have the opportunity to have our burdens lifted and made equal to our capacity by support of the Holy Spirit.
Oh, and prozac doesnt make people happy and euphoric, ideally it alters a persons brain chemistry so they are less depressed and despondent. Nobody wanders around in a giddy haze on prozac, or any other MAOI or SSRI like unto it. The big smiles you see on TV commercials are a lie.
Comment by Kurt — January 25, 2006 @ 6:27 am
“But so many of the things that make us sad are entirely beyond our control (because life sucks) that it just seems to me that the happy Mormon thing may be a detrimental myth.”
I agree that it’s a detrimental myth. I think the more interesting question is why that myth has such a strong purchase on Mormons. The first thing to notice, I suspect, is that it has a strong purchase on a lot of other Christians as well, particularly many varieties of American evangelicals. I suspect that at the heart of this commonly accepted myth–that the gospel should make you happy, 100% of the time, 24/7–is the suspicion that the only real cause of unhappiness in this life is, as you say, a lack of faith, unrighteousness, etc. Even great calamities, according to this line of reasoning, can and should be worked through to a happy end, because if one approaches such terrible events (to say nothing of everyday annoyances) faithfully, then of course the spirit will show you the way to see them as making your life better and your blessings in the next life even more certain. In short, it strikes me as a form of works righteousness, tightly associating God’s guarantees to our maintainence of a happy state of mind.
If, on the other hand, you appreciate that this is a fallen and terrible world, one in which we are strangers and pilgrims, wracked by inevitable sin and incompleteness….well, then you realize that the “plan of happiness” has, I think, little or nothing to do with having a constant Positive Mental Attitude. Sure, there can be happiness in this life, but mostly life sucks, and always has sucked, and always will suck, for practically everybody. Few American Mormons–and few American evangelicals for that matter–talk that way; we are all, basically, conditioned to “take responsibility for ourselves” and live a “purpose-driven life” and make goals and rejoice in “building the kingdom,” etc., etc. The language of brokenness and grace, while it has become stronger in American Mormonism in recent years, is still very much a minor theme. And since in the church we generally foist most homemaking duties upon women, and the home is in particular supposed to be a little bit of “heaven on earth,” the pressure on women to live righteously so they can be happy and upbeat is particularly strong.
Comment by Russell Arben Fox — January 25, 2006 @ 6:27 am
Russell,
There’s just something to be said about allowing and truly believing that all things can be swallowed up in Christ. And leaving it at that.
Beautiful response. Thank you. I think that if we were to look at the history of Christianity as a whole, we’d see much more “brokenness and grace” as you put it and must less “heaven on earth” and I wonder if this happy pressure isn’t due to our emphasis on the BoM and it’s never ending pride cycle parable of prosperity leading to wickedness which eventually leads to repentance and prosperity again. When did the beauty of the atonement lose it’s grace factor for Mormons and instead become so centralized on works? I dunno. But my born again friends have a much healthier attitude about tribulation than our faith does at times
I have a girlfriend who, when faced with any one of life’s huge sucking moments, says: “I release that to God” meaning “He doesn’t WANT that for me, but I obvioulsy have to deal with it so I’ll let him take the worst of it so I can go on.” There’s no “If only I had read my scripture more, served more, done more…” It’s just released back to Him. And I find that courageous and comforting.
Comment by Kanga — January 25, 2006 @ 7:32 am
Lisa, every once in awhile somebody posts something that I will print and share. This is one. I don’t think you needed a solution to your question. It’s worthy just for the asking and I imagine would validate every Mormon woman in the world, if not every woman. I’m taking it visiting teaching Thursday.
I bought a bunch of cards that said: “Life Sucks” and on the inside, they read, “well, yours anyway.” I’ve already given three away, for people whose circumstances rival those you’ve described.
I don’t think we’re supposed to feel happy all the time. You know, opposition in all things.
I personally am heartened that there’s at least one other person out there (that would be you) who knows so many people in rought circumstances. Maybe it really is the last days or something.
Comment by annegb — January 25, 2006 @ 8:21 am
Boy Lisa. This is a great post, and I don’t even know where to begin. Life does suck. I agree. And what’s weird is that I was just thinking this the other day, and then about “happiness” again today on the way home from work. I’ve never confessed this to anyone, for fear they’ll think I’m truly horrible, but how many times have we heard that the gospel is the “gospel of happiness.” Women standing up in Sacrament meeting beaming about how happy they are because of the gospel. I wish I could be like that. Personally, (I know this is pathetic), but I’ve always viewed the gospel as the gospel of sadness. Why, because we know that very very few people are really going to make it to exaltation (prophets have told us this). And that’s the goal, right? Sure, families are forever, but only if every member is temple worthy and sealed to each other. Sure, we all have the chance to become like Heavenly Father, but only if we are one of the very few people who is temple worthy and has been sealed or has had the ordinances done for them. Those other 99.9% of the world’s population who don’t have this done for them or don’t do it themselves kind of get the shaft, you know? It totally depresses me. It doesn’t seem fair (I know HF is just and it will all be just, but my puny mortal mind can get over the fact that it’s not fair). Add to that the people who grow up being abused from the start, well, life just is so rotten; and it sucks. I have a book of church quotes, and there’s one by David O. McKay that says something to the effect that we should never burden anyone else with our problems - they don’t need to know if we’re feeling bad. This could be part of the origin of the culture that breeds the idea of must-be-happy all the time and the guilt that pervades one (i.e., me!) when she doesn’t. Sigh. I love the gospel and am grateful for it, but it doesn’t automatically make me happy. Sometimes it really makes me sad.
Comment by meems — January 25, 2006 @ 9:02 am
Just to clarify, I’m happy. Sure my life sucks (a little) but so does yours (maybe a lot)(hopefully not). But I am okay. I’m not always, but I am right now. Really.
But thanks for the sympathy. I truly appreciate it, if you must know, the sincere kindness gave me a warm fuzzy. Very gracious of you.
D-Train,
What a good idea for a post, or a class: When to Pretend to be Happy 101.
Russell,
Yes! Thank you, that’s the point I should have made!
Kanga,
I’m still processing, in light of what Russell said. Hum.
Anne,
Wow. Thank you.
I’m off to the gym and powerdance. My secret happy pill.
Comment by fMhLisa — January 25, 2006 @ 9:21 am
I have a friend [of the atheist/agnostic variety] who told me once he doesn’t have regrets. Ever. Funny thing is his life has involved some fairly sucky things that he admits were his fault:: adultry and divorce and alcoholism [and no doubt other things I don’t even want to know about.] But he told me once that even though he knew he’d screwed up and hurt people close to him, if he hadn’t followed that path he wouldn’t have all the good things he has now. So he really has no regrets.
Now I was certainly appalled when I heard this. It’s so un-Mormon. So un-female. But I think perhaps he uses the words ‘regret’ more specifically than I — that he means he doesn’t fall prey to the repeated ‘if only’ we [LDS and women] constantly beat ourselves up with. And I’ve even managed to find a take-home lesson for my own belief system: that repentance and grace and the gospel allow us to escape the never ending cycle of ‘if only’ and get on with our lives.
I think we all face this at times — you know the ‘if I only did this better or that better I wouldn’t be in this mess. If I only worked harder or read my scriptures more or prayed harder or cleaned more vomit or read more bedtime stories ‘x’ wouldn’t be happening now. Inotherwords, it’s all my responsibility to fix and all my fault if it goes wrong and if only should, could and will haunt me all the days of my life. [You know, the mission/zone leader mentality — if only you’d work harder you’d have more baptisms [subtext — denying the role of the spirit in conversion and turning the whole process into a door-to-door sales pitch]
As for the rest of the sucky world? I can only do what I can do. Right now it’s 1) raise good kids, 2) try not to make it worse, 3) realize that it’s not my job to fix it [that was Someone Else’s job [for which I thank God]] and 4) assist in my very small and hopefully inspired way.
NO
Comment by not ophelia — January 25, 2006 @ 9:34 am
You know what? I actually have nothing to be unhappy about! I’m happy. I’m living a privileged lifestyle. My kids are healthy. I’m in a great relationship. Don’t know why I went off like that. I guess it’s like this Woody Allen line from Annie Hall: I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that’s … you know, it puts a crimp in my evening.
So, I guess I’m saying that if one guy can’t go to the CK, it kind of puts a crimp in my evening.
Apologies!
Comment by meems — January 25, 2006 @ 9:45 am
Did anyone watch “Grey’s Anatomy” on Sunday? They had a medical case where a woman was so over the top happy all the time, that it was driving her husband away. They found an organic link to the problem, treated it and it probably saved their marriage. Just a silly little spin on the topic of happiness. I guess there is such thing as being too happy.
A lot of people that take on the burdens of others and the world can feel less happy. I’m an empathizer. I can get so caught up in the struggles of others that I become depressed and feel hopeless. Only in the last few years have I been able to compartmentalize those feelings of despair. My empathy, bordering on despair, doesn’t help solve anything and it certainly doesn’t help me. I think you have to somewhat distance yourself from the ills of the world in order to be effective in helping make any sort of positive change.
I really like this topic and love reading everyone’s thoughts. And the shiny, happy Mormon myth? I blame the Osmonds.
Comment by Wendy — January 25, 2006 @ 10:03 am
Really, I think I’m generally a happy person - or rather, I’m not unhappy. I’m not a person who gets depressed - I get stressed out, but not depressed really. (I escaped the biochemical problem that runs in my family, thankfully.)
My problem is that I go through a lot of my days like a robot, taking care of kids, doing my work, getting things done. On autopilot, my head in the clouds much of the time - it’s how I cope with the monotony of toddlerdom. I have to remember to take time out to FEEL. To really see and appreciate and enjoy my kids and the things they do, to appreciate and bond with my awesome husband, to connect with my friends, to think about everything I have. I know it’s so cheesy and cliche - but thinking about all that I have really does make me happy. I just have to be conscious of it, and it’s so easy to take for granted.
What I wish is that people didn’t feel like they have to ACT like they are happy if they are not. I wish that our culture, and hey - people in general - were more willing to accept that unhappiness doesn’t necessarily come straight from making wrong decisions - blaming the victim so to speak.
I also find that trying to contribute to solving massive world problems (like fundraising for malaria prevention and relief in third world countries, etc.), rather than depressing me with the seeming futility of it all, helps me to feel better, more productive, more hopeful. I love service. That sounds a little too happy/shiny, but it’s one of those cliches that ends up being true, at least for me.
NO - your friend sounds like a sociopath. His actions hurt others and caused pain, but he has no regrets because the end result is that he is happy. I don’t think that’s something to strive for. I know that wasn’t your point, but he just sounds amoral.
Comment by Sue — January 25, 2006 @ 10:29 am
I think Wendy’s right. The Osmonds are to blame.
This is something I struggle with a lot. Maybe it’s because I’m a libra. If things aren’t balanced we get a little twitchy.
I’ve found that pep talks work well for me. If I’m thinking life is especially sucky I try and remind myself to do the pep talk. It goes something like this: “Come on girl, you can do this! It’s just a slightly huge sink of stinky dishes. The sooner you get going the sooner you’ll get done! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!”
It’s pretty cheesy sounding but you would be surprised by how many things it works with.
Comment by kristen j — January 25, 2006 @ 10:36 am
I’m more of a go with the flow type person. I figure if there is strife in life (I’m done with the rhymes…I think) that there must be learning that needs to be done. Afterall, what do you learn when things are great all the time? Isn’t learning part of why we’re here?
My 11 year old son comes to me a couple months back (he’s quite dramatic) to relay the devastating information that he needs medication for depression. He tells me what he’s sad about, an incident at school that would make any person sad. I explain to him that what he’s feeling is normal and reasonable. I tell him that no one is supposed to be happy all the time. I explain to him the difference between feelings and actions…that while you can’t always control how you feel, you certainly have choices to how you react to it. This seemed logical to him.
I was raised inactive. I remember receiving little cards from my sunday school teachers telling me they missed my smile in church. I always thought it was lip service. I never connected the concept of more prayer or gospel study with more happiness. I figured if I was unhappy it was nothing a good day of playing in the alfalfa fields wouldn’t fix.
Comment by Becky..Absent Minded Housewife — January 25, 2006 @ 10:53 am
I thought this comment from an advice columnist I read some time ago was funny. She was talking about how rude missionary work is. It seemed aimed at Mormons because her specific complaint was about some proselyte trying to convince her that she would be happier with their church.
If righteousness means perma-joy, Christ never would have wept.
Comment by LisaB — January 25, 2006 @ 11:17 am
It might be argued that our culture tends to encourage perma-happiness, but I think we also need to give our leaders credit for trying to counter that expectation. These two statements were both made in general conference:
“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey, filled with delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas, and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride” Gordon B. Hinckley
“When I was a young man, I served as counselor to a wise district president in the Church. He tried to teach me. One of the things I remember wondering about was this advice he gave: “When you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.”
I thought then that he was pessimistic. Now, more than 40 years later, I can see how well he understood the world and life.”
Henry B. Eyring
Comment by Mark IV — January 25, 2006 @ 11:48 am
I absolutely love that Hinkley quote Mark. Used to have it tacked up on the fridge.
Comment by Wendy — January 25, 2006 @ 11:50 am
Nicely said, a good counterpoint to neoCalvinism (Calvinists believed that you could tell the saved from the unsaved by whether the grace of God made their lives free from trials and pain or not) which is often preached as “the righteous are wealthy and beautiful.”
I would note Enoch’s question to God:
“how is it thou canst weep?” (Moses 7:31).
God weeps and so can we.
Comment by Stephen M (Ethesis) — January 25, 2006 @ 12:08 pm
Kristen J: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
It’s true. I think there’s a train the house from time to time…
(Just kidding
)
Comment by Geoff J — January 25, 2006 @ 12:14 pm
Mark IV–
Fabulous quotes, thanks.
Comment by Julie in Austin — January 25, 2006 @ 12:17 pm
wow mark, great qoutes! it could not be summed up better.
lisa, i agree with you, there is this cultural pressure to be happy all the time. and you know, i think that most people are happy the majority of the time.
however, the danger in this cultural expectation is that it forces you to be a liar sometimes. i can’t live that way, it’s miserable to be unauthentic. if you aren’t being your true self, sad emotions and all, that is true misery. the surpression of emotions is the cause of many mental problems, it’s not good to hold it in.
so what if potental converts see us having a bad day now and then! they will see us a human instead of the “stepford wives” they tend to view us as, and that may be a church they feel they can be a part of.
Comment by Aimee — January 25, 2006 @ 12:23 pm
You know, the point of life is not to be happy.
The point of life is to cultivate the ability to feel deeply and genuinely - like God does.
The point is not absence of pain. It is richness of experience.
Comment by Seth R. — January 25, 2006 @ 12:59 pm
As far as I can tell, the cultural pressure to be happy is only in Utah. It is often said that Utah is the hardest place to be a Mormon. I agree.
Comment by Kate — January 25, 2006 @ 1:08 pm
Men and women are that they might have “joy”. Joy doesn’t always equal “happy”.
Many things in life suck. I’ve worked as a nurse for almost a year, and I’ve seen some icky stuff. But last week took the cake. I had to leave and go cry somewhere, go home and hug and kiss my family. The next evening was a planned girls-night out to watch “Pride and Prejudice”. Lovely. There are really awful things in our world - some things are caused by the cruelty of others, other things just “happen”. All we can do is try to be there for one another, and help eachother through it.
My family refers to rough patches as “going through the grinder”. Good news is that most of the time, things do get better.
As far as feeling pressure to appear happy - of course, we are supposed to be perfect and look perfect and act perfect. A bishop once said that there were so many people in the ward with serious, major problems that nobody knew about. I totally believe that. I’ve had a rough patch, and really didn’t want to expose that to the entire ward. Things like that are private. I did have 2-3 girlfriends who I knew would support me, and not go telling anyone what was going on. So, even though everyone looks happy, they still need support, they still have bad things happen, they still keep on trying to get through it.
Good luck!
Comment by Connie — January 25, 2006 @ 1:46 pm
“Acting happy” even when we are not can be healty. Even when we are not happy, if we can act like we are, sometimes things start to look better.
On other hand, saddness tends to build on itself. And it tends to be very contagious.
Comment by Jason — January 25, 2006 @ 2:00 pm
Life is suffering. The first of the four noble truths.
Comment by Ann — January 25, 2006 @ 2:01 pm
Wish I had wrote that.
By the way, if God didn’t feel it, neither would we. At least as far as I can tell…
Comment by tracy m — January 25, 2006 @ 2:05 pm
Right now is a time of trial for me. It is hot and windy, all of the firefighters are fighting a terrible fire about an hour away from us, lightning strikes are expected today, there is a tree plantation full of fast-burning pine trees behind our house, and everything is parched and dry after a decade of drought. These are tinderbox conditions. Every time I leave my house, it occurs to me that I may not be able to go home.
And still I feel unceasingly happy that it hasn’t happened yet. We have been given a reprieve for another day, another hour. I think of a rhyme my sister used to say: The optimist fell ten stories, and at each window bar, he yelled to the people inside it, I haven’t hit the ground so far! I haven’t hit the ground so far, and so I am happy. It is not the false happiness of Sunday smiles and Pollyanna cheer. (Far from bringing people to the church, I think that false happiness can drive them away. It does not seem real. People can see through it.) It is a relief, deep within my soul, that we are still here, coupled with a knowledge that we may not be tomorrow.
Where I live, there is a popular saying: “She’ll be right.” It’s roughly the equivalent of the Egyptian “In sh’Allah,” or God Willing. It’s not so much a hopeless naïvety as an understanding that bad stuff happens, but in the end, you’ll make it. It’s not a platitude in the same way the American saying, “It’ll be alright” is. To me, whenever someone patted me on the arm and said, “It’ll be alright,” it felt like s/he was discounting everything I was going through. It felt empty and meaningless. When a grizzled old farmer looks me in the eye and says, “She’ll be right,” I know he is acknowledging what I’m going through, and giving me the courage to face it. So we lose our home. So we lose a lifetime of accumulation, with irreplaceable souvenirs from six continents and family heirlooms. She’ll be right. She has to be, because the alternative is worse.
Comment by Quimby — January 25, 2006 @ 5:06 pm
Big ego, yes, sociopath, no.
He did and does understand [and care] that he lost friends and hurt people he cared for. He had a horrible year after it all happened. He now has a new marriage and has sworn he will never mess it up like he did the last. All well and good for my small Mormon brain.
OTOH he doesn’t seem to look back and wish he could change what he did. This is mind boggling to me. Thus my theory that ‘regrets’ mean something different to him — i.e. not regretting means not reliving and masochistically savoring the train wreck of his earlier life.
Perhaps it’s how a non-religious person deals with ’sin’ yet still remains sane and moves on. I dunno. We have the atonement to fall back on, to provide us hope for an eventual resolution to the sucky situations we create. But there’s none of that here.
NO
Comment by not ophelia — January 25, 2006 @ 5:12 pm
Turn Turn Turn
One of my favorite books in the OT is Ecclesiastes. It appears that King Solomon took all that life had to offer, but in the end after analyzing it all he was at a loss. Saying things like “all is vain and there is nothing new under the sun.” All knowledge and wisdom didn’t make him happy. So he concludes the whole matter with this:
“be admonished: of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh. Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil.”(Eccl.12:12-14)
On another note the great song “Turn, Turn, Turn” came out of this book. There is a time, season and purpose for everything that happens under heaven.(Eccl.3:1-8)
May we each find that peace in this life of mystery and that greater happiness in the eternal life to come.
Comment by Emma's Son — January 25, 2006 @ 5:25 pm
Someone on one of the smaller blogs just posted everything I’ve always thought about life and happiness, but I can’t find it now. Anyone know what I’m talking about?
Comment by Susan M — January 25, 2006 @ 6:51 pm
Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
Comment by Beijing — January 25, 2006 @ 7:05 pm
Of course life sucks. That’s part of the plan. Christ knew it would suck, we knew it would suck, and we came anyway. There’s even some evidence that we chose exactly what would suck about our lives, although I’m not sure I agree with that, and I’m really sure I’m not up for that debate.
Happiness doesn’t come from lives not sucking. I honestly believe it comes through Christ. How else could you possibly live at all without Him, knowing what we know, and seeing what we see, and doing what we do?
I don’t think Mormons are trying to peddle happiness. I think we are trying to come unto Christ. Those few times when we really make it, that’s when happiness comes. The smiles are there because we feel His love, we feel His promise of hope, and we understand, for a moment, what He did for us and what it means. The rest of the time, when we have lost the vision, we are smiling because we remember that at one time, we understood something that was great and powerful, and just the memory of the understanding and the knowledge that we can understand again gives us hope and a reason to smile.
Comment by Heather O. — January 25, 2006 @ 7:20 pm
Jason, I like what you said.
I pretty much like what everybody said.
Comment by annegb — January 25, 2006 @ 8:11 pm
Yes yes yes yes yes. I completely agree with you. I don’t want to live a sugar-coated, perfect-on-the-surface happy life. I want to live a REAL life. An HONEST life. Thank you for your post.
Comment by mom on a wire — January 25, 2006 @ 8:47 pm
Ouch.
Well, I’m living with these issues, today and tomorrow more than usual. Especially with this diet, I can’t find comfort in food.
Ah well.
Comment by Stephen M (Ethesis) — January 25, 2006 @ 8:54 pm
There is a reason Utah is one of the leading states in perscriptions for antidepressants. The Mormon culture does put a lot of pressure out there for members (especially women) to be “perfect” which includes being happy. A lot of time, that inevitable failure to reach that perfection creates a great amount of unhappiness in and of itself (hence the antidepressants). The thought is that if I’m not happy, then I must be doing something wrong.
I don’t think we can achieve true “happiness on this earth. I really think that any “happiness” that we have here, ultimately pales to the joy and peace that we will have/had on the other side. Maybe a small part of us recognizes that. (Maybe that’s one of the reasons that even though our lives can be seemingly “perfect” and on the right track, we can have that nagging feeling that something is still missing, that somehow it’s still not “enough.”)
The Protestant view that this life is a “vale of tears” may be extreme, but seriously, we’re here to have trials, to struggle, to grow. No one said we had to enjoy every second of that. I don’t think our goal as LDS should be to find constant “happiness” in life as much as it is to find a source of peace. A place to turn to when things do suck. An understanding that although life can suck, there is an ultimate purpose to the suckage, and an ultimate reprieve.
Just like you, I see life as a series of the mundane punctuated by moments of joy. I certainly don’t expect to ever enjoy housework, homework, kid work. I kind of expect life to be pretty blah most of the time. (Hey, it helps me to have realistic expectations.) Sometimes all we can do is hold on and wait/hope for the next exclamation point.
Comment by Anelie — January 25, 2006 @ 9:22 pm
Well, well, well. Let’s all go find a big pile of worms and eat it together.
On the whole Utah is the Prozac state thing, I don’t think it’s because mormons are more depressed. I think its because the major insurance carriers in utah will cover pills, but not therapy, even though its been proven time and again that a combination of both is the most effective treatment. And I would like to see the numbers to prove that utah really is depressed more, but i’m too lazy to look them up.
I personally don’t like the taste of worms, but to each his own.
Comment by The Wiz — January 25, 2006 @ 11:56 pm
Oh, and one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite men (Carlfred Broderick):
The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain. It is a resource in the event of pain.”
Comment by The Wiz — January 25, 2006 @ 11:58 pm
I’m reading “The Art of Happiness” right now, by the Dalai Lama. I recommend it =)
Comment by Téa — January 26, 2006 @ 12:14 am
I think what Heather O said is really important- we need to remember those lucid, bright moments when we actually KNEW about the love of the Savior and what it means to us, so that when things suck again, and they will, we can make it through. Maybe that is part of what Grace is…
At least I need to remember them.
Comment by tracy m — January 26, 2006 @ 12:22 am
I agree. Life sucks.
Comment by Sarebear — January 26, 2006 @ 3:00 am
Oh hey, I just KNEW I couldn’t let that stand without a bit o’ rambling.
Feelings are okay, even these that are usually labeled Negative.
Accept them, embrace them, feel them. It’s okay. I am, paradoxically, at least during those times I’m a bit more balanced, able to get up out of the rut better, have more strength for the trial, what-have-you, when I allow myself to feel the negative and accept it and embrace it.
Now, what COULD be negative is what is done with the feelings. But feelings themselves are neither good nor bad.
Anyhoo, right this second, life SUCKS, and more power to it, er, me, er, whatever . . . .
Comment by Sarebear — January 26, 2006 @ 3:03 am
I actually think a bit of venting, and acknowledging of life’s suckage, is healthy.
And, SUPPORTIVE. Instead of trying to change the person’s view (encouragement isn’t a bad thing, but trying to say hey, pull yourself up by the bootstraps . . . .), I think what might often be one loving thing to do is say hey, here’s a shoulder . . . or hey, that DOES suck, dangit. Acknowledge and appreciate each other’s experiences as women, both positive and sucky.
I don’t think we, as women, or society either, do this NEAR enough. I think it would go a long way towards fostering better relationships among women if we did, though.
Comment by Sarebear — January 26, 2006 @ 3:08 am
Like Sarebear, I think it’s immensely important to give people space to have negative feelings, to “mourn with those that mourn.”
When I was going through a particularly rough patch a few years ago, one of the most helpful things that someone did was to tell me to name 25 things that were wrong in my life. It felt tremendously liberating to say this is wrong, and so is this, and this, and to feel heard, and like I didn’t have to somehow put a positive spin on all of it. As it turned out, I didn’t even get close to 25. And once I’d brought up and acknowledged the hard things, I actually found it much easier to also look at the things that were good.
Comment by Lynnette — January 26, 2006 @ 3:22 am
Life totally sucks sometimes. I’m so down with that. You have no idea.
Fact is, though, that nothing/noone can make me feel anything. It’s up to me to choose how I react to things. In the midst of all of it, I can, and am, actually still happy. I have never heard of any social pressure in the church to be happy. I converted ten years ago, temporarily apostatized three ago, and got my head on straight and came back just this past September. So, I’m no Utah Molly.
Fact is, the gospel does bring me joy, and it’s an abiding joy that’s always there (regardless of what else is going on), IF I choose to partake of it. There was a time when I stopped, and frankly I feel like a dumbass for it, but done is done and good came of it in the end.
I once wrote a poem–maybe I’ll try to look it up for you–about those sneaky moments of rage that every mother, regardless of how sweet her life, sometimes feels. I’m sorry things are the suck-o-rama for you right now, Lisa, but whatever it is, it’ll pass. (I mean, like seriously, it might take until the Millennium, but, it *will* pass. Lol.)
You *can* cultivate a healthy sense of joy and peace–even in the midst of a world rife with suffering. You can help to alleviate the suffering that is in your power to do so, and your heart and prayers can go out to the rest. And if that’s all you can do for that rest, then that is ok, and it it’s ok for you to go on living in the meantime. If you feel called to do something more on it, then do that, too. Take the outrage and the anger and the sorrow and turn it into something productive. Don’t let it just mire you. That doesn’t do you, your immediate responsibilities, or ‘the rest’ any good.
We all rage sometimes. It saves us from complacency. We just can’t get lost in it. I’m pretty sure the adversary would have it otherwise, but, I, myself, tend not to like to give him his way.
Comment by Naiah Earhart — January 26, 2006 @ 9:08 am
Hi, Lisa - thanks for starting this excellent discussion. I’m constantly in awe of how some people seem effortlessly happy with their lives, while others struggle under (what I perceive to be) ideal circumstances. I’m not sure what causes the wide variation in one’s ability to be happy, but I don’t think it has much to do with one’s membership in the Church.
That said, Mormon culture is definitely not conducive to happiness for some people. A long standing joke with a dear friend of mine, who has a “perfect” life but feels a general ennui about his existence, is to end our emails with “Endure to The End”. Really, what more can you say?
Comment by Elisabeth — January 26, 2006 @ 9:54 am
I have been pondering something I considered posting to various happiness threads around the ‘naccle, but I decided to post it to my own blog, and just did so, here.
Comment by sarebear — January 26, 2006 @ 2:01 pm
I am convinced that some of the elements of our happiness are personality induced. I am not sure how it breaks down in reality.. but I have friends who are generally happy people. Even when their lives are hard and Vise versa.
I of course have to carve out a huge exception to the above statement to say that I am excepting the mentally ill and clinically depressed from my comments above before somebody jumps on me.
Comment by Leonard — January 26, 2006 @ 3:06 pm
I didn’t have time to read all the threads but wanted to respond to the initial post.
It made me sad to think that women feel compelled to be happy because someone is telling the to do so. I have found that only you can make yourself happy. There are alot of terrible things that occur everyday. I don’t think that ignoring these things is the answer. However, I also don’t believe that dwelling on the sadness is right either. If you aren not actively involving yourself in correcting the problem then it is just time to move on.
Also, I agree to a certain extent about the Mormon culture insisting on everyone putting on a happy face. The problem is definately more prevelant in Utah. (Live out of state for awhile and see what happens to your perspective, mine has change drastically as to what problems are actually problems.)
I have found, for myself, that realizing everything is not always perfect is the best beginning. The only other advise I can give is what my mother used to say to me ‘Change what you can change, fix what you can fix and put the rest on Jesus….’
Comment by sbowler — January 26, 2006 @ 3:07 pm
I have to confess that my life is pretty much all happiness. I’m not kidding. I’ve always had a pretty positive outlook on life, but it seems the further I go the better I like it. For me some of that comes with having more control over my life and the things I pursue. A lot of it has to do with a wife who truly understands me and values my happiness (the wicked sense of humor she unleashes only behind closed doors helps a lot). Most of it probably has to do with luck.
I started to write this comment yesterday but then deleted it because I didn’t know how it would be received. I’m not writing to chide anyone for thinking life–temporarily or as a general proposition–sucks. I’ve had periods where I was unhappy with my life, or some part of my life. In most of those instances I have been able to directly do something about it–change my job, forgive someone etc. In one instance I just had to suck it up and wait for it to get better. I consider myself lucky because it did get better. There seems to be a component of personal happiness that is beyond our control. I’m not sure what lies at the root of such a problem, but it strikes me as a heavy cross to bear.
I see no reason to fall victim, however, to a sense of failure, unrighteousness, personal weakness or what have you because of feelings of unhappiness. It may be hard to separate the two, but from the initial post at least it sounded like the unhappiness problem was being compounded by the expectations problem. In my life I’ve found the expectations problem is one of the easier problems to deal with. Especially in the church context.
The key for me has been to simply manage expectations by being honest about what I was feeling and where I was at in my personal relationship with Heavenly Father. I’ve gotten much better at this in the years since I first began, and I’ve found it has improved both my worship experience and my experience with the institutional side of the church. To give one small example: When Gigi and I bought a house about a year ago we moved to a new ward. The Sunday of our second week there our (absolutely great) bishop came over to meet with us personally. We had a great talk during which we related to him how we met and started dating and how Gigi subsequently joined the church.
A few weeks later he asked to speak to me in his office. I dropped by and we made small talk for a few minutes before he broached the topic he wanted to talk with me about. As best as I can recall he said that he noticed we had not been sealed in the temple and then bluntly queried: “What’s the deal?” I explained that Gigi had not been a member for a year when we got married but that even if she had been we would likely not have been married in the temple because it was important to both of us that she feel ready to attend the temple as a spiritual matter and not a matter of social convention. From our previous discussion the bishop knew that Gigi had attended church for over a year before deciding to be baptized and he immediately understood how seriously she considered the covenants she was entering into. We talked a few minutes longer while I explained exactly how I felt about the matter and then ended our discussion with the bishop asking me to let him know when we wanted to take the next step. As it turns out, it took us another year–we are planning on being sealed in mid-February in Manti. In the interim our bishop never broached the subject again and we have never felt any pressure to live up to a particular ideal. I think it is somewhat known in the ward that we are not sealed–Gigi occasionally fields questions about what she thinks about my garments. I don’t believe either one of us has felt any sort of stigma as a result. We have callings, we have friends, we enjoy going to church and we are spiritually nourished there.
When I was younger I might have seen the bishop’s questions as an intrusive or felt marginalized by his knowing that I was not sealed to my wife. Now if I were asked a question that I felt was intrusive I would likely just let the person know that I felt it was a personal matter and I would rather not discuss it. After that I would forget about it–and I do believe that I can choose to not worry about it. If it was something I wanted to discuss, I would be frank and genuine in my discussion. I know very few people who don’t respond well to that.
The results of this approach for me have been great. I have shed most of my resentments towards the church. I have great, faith-inspiring conversations with all sorts of people now. Any expectations are managed in a way that leaves both me and my interlocutor feeling positive. And, surprisingly, I have found I am much more useful to my fellow saints. Where my petty resentments used to get in the way and compound my problems, their absence allows me to fully participate in the community despite my inadequacies.
On another thread on another blog, beijing explained that a home teacher who disregarded her candid requests was the impetus behind her sending in a resignation letter. There are some people, no doubt, whose zealousness will cause them to tread where they are not welcome despite our best attempts. I believe, however, that such are outliers. I believe the vast majority of people can successfully manage expectations if they will but open their mouths.
Comment by Mathew — January 26, 2006 @ 4:42 pm
Mathew, well said. The ability to manage expectations is a necessary skill. I have also found bishops to kind, and almost eager to be informed our needs.
Yeah, easy for you to say, somebody who uses language so well!
Comment by Mark IV — January 26, 2006 @ 5:16 pm
Yep, I know life sucks. Tell me about it. I’m a 32 year old mother of 3 with Stage III breast cancer.
But I’m still happy. Why, you ask? Well, people are abnormally nice to you when you have cancer. And you get free makeup. What more can you ask?
No, really, I’m happy now mostly because I was happy before. It’s not fake; it’s not “cultural-religious pressure.” It’s genuine. It’s an outgrowth of a good marriage, of having a worthwhile purpose in life, and of having a Savior to turn to when things get really rough. It’s an outgrowth of knowing that there is purpose even in suffering and death, if it comes to that.
And it’s much easier to be happy if I get my daily walk in. Without exercise I’m pretty grumpy.
Comment by Sara R — January 26, 2006 @ 5:30 pm
If I think life sucks, it’s not because I’m a sinful, lazy, ungrateful, godless pessimist- it’s because it does. And if anyone thinks that a sucky life should make me happy, they’re the one that needs to change their attitude.
Comment by jane — January 26, 2006 @ 9:56 pm
Hmm, don’t know how to leave this comment without offending or evoking the FMH wrath, but, seriously, this thread has taken a very negative turn. It’s one thing to recognize that life is hard, unfair, and ugly sometimes (okay, for some, it’s ALOT of times). But, it’s another thing to wallow in the frustration and the negativity to the point of self-pity. For some, it even seems to become a competition as to who’s life sucks worse (and then there are those who seem to enjoy the suffering–or is it the attention that comes from it?). I’m not judging, I’m just taking the subject a bit deeper.
An honest question here: so how do you avoid letting the life suckage from making you permanently bitter?
Comment by Anelie — January 27, 2006 @ 3:48 pm
When i was in college in the early 90s, one of the professors had a poster on their door with a picture of a joyful, medieval, serf-like couple dancing, with the words: “Life is to enjoy!”. I loved seeing that poster every day and when I was feeling downhearted that poster with its trite saying would actually cheer me up.
Now that I’m older and more black-hearted (haha) I wonder if something as simple as a poster would still do the trick. I actually did a Google search looking for that poster, to no avail. I really loved it.
Comment by Wendy — January 27, 2006 @ 4:03 pm
“The best thing for disturbances of the spirit,” replied Merlyn, beginning to puff and blow, “is to learn. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love and lose your moneys to a monster, you may see the world about devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honor trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then - to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the poor mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the thing for you. Look at what a lot of things there are to learn - pure science, the only purity there is. You can learn astronomy in a lifetime, natural history in three, literature in six. And then, after you have exhausted a milliard lifetimes in biology and medicine and theo-criticism and geography and history and economics, why, you can start to make a cartwheel out of the appropriate wood, or spend fifty years learning to begin to learn to beat your adversary at fencing. After that you can start again on mathematics, until it is time to learn to plow.”
– T.H. White
The Sword in the Stone
Comment by obi-wan — January 27, 2006 @ 5:21 pm
Lisa,
Excellent point. I will be thinking about that for the next little while (actually probably the rest of my life). It will come up. I have, in the past, told myself “Life isn’t supposed to be perfect. No one promised you a perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect house, perfect health, perfect……so why do you expect it?” I think it has made me realize that life does suck. Sometimes your husband gets cancer, or your kid has a language disorder, or you get post-partum depression, or you don’t have anyone to babysit so you can go out.
I think that I the happiness issue goes along with that. I’m not going to be happy all the time, because some really crappy stuff happens in life.
I think that what I really want is peace, and that comes from trusting God. Even when I am miserable, or scared, or hurting really bad, I can pray and I truly trust in God.
And you can get through bad times. They don’t last forever.
Comment by jks — January 27, 2006 @ 10:55 pm
From post 16:
“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey, filled with delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas, and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride” Gordon B. Hinckley
__________
Please note that this quotation did NOT orginate with Pres. Hinckley. It is by Jenkins Lloyd Jones
Comment by agentlereader — January 27, 2006 @ 11:43 pm
Life is pretty darn hard, that’s for sure. But whenever I get feeling really discouraged, I think of hot running water (often didn’t have as a kid), flush toilets (often didn’t have as a kid–heck, toilet paper neither!), and sheets on my soft bed (we never had sheets).
Women in Africa sleep on the ground, pee in the bushes, and wash in cold water they carry from the river. Or whatever.
They also have friends and neighbors who’ve endured unspeakable tragedies, as we do. They have children and husband, as we do.
I don’t want to shame anyone, sometimes I’m just overwhelmed at the sorrow in the world and I ask, “God why are you allowing this.” And I get back in my body, in today, and say, “thank you for hot running water, flush toilets, and sheets on my soft warm bed.”
Comment by annegb — January 28, 2006 @ 9:21 am
A gentle reader, # 59,
Duly noted, and thank you. That makes a lot of sense. Somehow, I have trouble imagining Gordon B. Hinckley lining up putts on the golf course.
Comment by Mark IV — January 28, 2006 @ 10:04 am
When I’m standing on Wolf Creek summit, at about 10,000 feet, under a moonless, transparent sky, the milky way blazing overhead, the collective light from 3 distant galaxies in Draco filling the eyepiece of my telescope, taking my breath away — I’m reminded of a snippet from H. P. Lovecraft:
The cares of the world vanish for a time, my heart is filled with wonder and gratitude, and life for the moment is very good…
Comment by Rich — January 28, 2006 @ 9:32 pm
I can’t say that I personally think that my life sucks. I actually have a pretty huge thirst for life and and a big fear of death. That said, I really do think life is awful for a lot of people in the world, and I’m consumed with guilt that I have it so easy when so many others are struggling for their very survival.
While I don’t feel like i have a particularly awful life, I am kind of left with a “Is this all there is?” feeling. I have a lot of the things people say should make you happy - nice husband, financial security, etc. But I still feel a bit disappointed that this is it. I used to have big career aspirations and big goals to help the world in some meaningful way, but I’m not really living up to those plans. Perhaps that lack of making a meaningful impact on the world is what’s making me feel like there should be more to life.
Comment by Caroline — January 28, 2006 @ 10:22 pm
Anelie: unhappiness is NOT a syonym for frustration, negativity, self-pity, or bitterness. I know that every crummy experience makes me a better, stronger, smarter, more spiritual person and I am thankful for the trials the Lord gives me. These experiences, however, do not make me (immediately) happy, nor should they be expected to.
If you are unhappy, don’t let anyone make you feel guilty- not the child who smiles while undergoing chemotherapy, or the Pollyanna who understands that while her huband may be dead, at least she has toothpaste. Unhappiness is not a sin!
Comment by jane — January 29, 2006 @ 2:30 pm
Point taken, jane. Perhaps I was just taken aback a bit by the level of conviction in your post. I definitely don’t think unhappiness is a sin, or that you should feel guilty for feeling that way (indeed, heartfelt unhappiness is often a catalyst to positive life changes). But sometimes prolonged unhappiness leads to despair, and that *is* tragic. I suppose what I was reaching for in my post is that hopefully in the midst of unhappiness, we can always have even the smallest bit of hope in our hearts that things will get better.
Comment by Anelie — January 30, 2006 @ 10:59 am
*/standing ovation
Comment by motherofall — January 31, 2006 @ 3:45 pm
Are you one of those mormon people that is a wife to a guy that has 10 other wives? If so, no wonder you’re miserable.
Comment by kari — August 11, 2006 @ 2:36 pm
Ha ha. That was funny.
Comment by Siobhan — August 11, 2006 @ 2:42 pm
Life Sucks? Life is what you make of it! If your life sucks.. maybe you suck? Maybe you should change yourself. Maybe you shouldn’t have had kids? Shouldn’t have gotten married? No one forced a gun to your head. Sounds cruel, but it’s true. To a large degree we make our own realities and are in control of our own destinies. If something in your life doesnt work change it. After all if there is any one constant in life on this planet it is chaos. You can be miserable C.E.O of a fortune 500 company or a penniless backpacker hiking through europe without a care in the world. To each their own. Mormonism doesnt make you happy, no “ism” will. Finding a higher spiritual path (Mormonism or other) is about finding yourself first and then connecting with the beauty and grandure of all existence. But you alone dictates what your life will be.
Comment by max — August 20, 2006 @ 5:32 am
Max, Max, Max, all that stary eyed optimism wrapped up in such a hostile condemnatory little package. How do you do it?
Comment by fMhLisa — August 20, 2006 @ 9:29 am
I do suck.
Maybe I’ll go play in the food processor now…
Comment by Seth R. — August 20, 2006 @ 12:55 pm
hi..i’m just a passerby here. I read your blog and I have to agree about everyone’s life is sucks. Well, I’m a muslim but that dosen’t matter anyway. I don’t understand the part about we must be happy. How? After all the shit that I went through in life, I can’t be happy, right? I just don’t get it. I really want to be happy, of course! Who didn’t want to but we are human and we have our weakness. So, its not easy to be happy all the time. What are your advise? Maybe it will make me a better person and BE HAPPY!
Comment by marsha — November 16, 2006 @ 3:31 am
Gees, guess what? Looking for the spiritural answer, went Islamic and Mormon, didn’t find it. What went wrong? It all sucks and I don’t believe any of you!!!!
Comment by Linda — December 5, 2006 @ 5:27 am
‘The fear of change’ Self help for when life sucks!
So far I’ve figured out this much in life for sure.
We all do things we know are not right. for me it’s simple:
People change when the fear of change finally becomes less than the fear of doing the same thing.
Want it another way?:
People change when the pain of doing the same thing becomes less than the pain of changing.
Comment by David Elton — January 11, 2007 @ 1:45 pm
I have a suggestion for you all. Stop talking about your “situation” and get out there and help someone. The problem with Mormons is you’re narcissistic and live in your own mormon bubble. Get out of your bubble and help someone in need!
Comment by christiangirl — March 16, 2007 @ 1:33 am
I could go for the whole “life sucks” thing, but I don’t really feel the pain of the whole “pressure to be happy is getting me down” argument. I think I’ll check to see if my wife’s awake, I think that one will make her giggle.
Two years ago my wife and I watched our most beautiful and brilliant boy, four years old, cascade into oblivion. He went from composing moving poetry to shrieking and staring at the wall.
I admit that there are times that I envy the atheists. It might be easier to not believe in God than to know that God lives and wonder if he really loves you.
We’ve got our demons, but the whole happy mormon thing is no myth. We’re not all giggles and sunshine but without the gospel we’d have crumbled. I’ve been informed that over 90% of couples in our situation divorce, and there have been a few mass suicides — whole family going out together. How do you tell your kids why their brother won’t even look at them anymore? Life’s a bitch, but we’re hanging in, and there are some good moments. We don’t give up.
The pressure to be happy? I don’t know if I’d be alive without it.
Comment by Christian — March 16, 2007 @ 3:48 am
Speaking as a person who has been in need, I think that’s a lot of hoey. No one’s come through for us like the mormons.
Comment by Christian — March 16, 2007 @ 3:52 am
The “happiness” myth of mormons is purely cultural. It means we’re not getting the whole picture, or any part of the picture. Heavenly Father doesn’t promise us happiness if we joing the church, he never promises happiness at any moment in this life, even if we keep the commandments. What he can promise us is inner peace through the Savior. As members of the church, we have an ability to know the Savior and his peace because we have the spirit with us, this is a gift that no others can have properly. So, we may not be the happiest people, but we CAN be the most peaceful people (in terms of our hearts) no matter what crap we have to go through. That is the wonderfulness of the Gospel in this life, and that’s why we go through the world sharing it with others. That’s what makes this sucky life a little less crappy. So don’t aim for happiness aim for PEACE and be grateful for it.
Comment by Tanya — March 16, 2007 @ 6:43 am
I don’t think the gods are always ‘happy’ in that sense. We are always in the process of creation.
Comment by mckenzie — July 27, 2007 @ 3:14 pm
As the Prophet Joseph said, “happiness is the object and design of our existance.” But I don’t think that the definition of happiness that we grow up to accept is the definition the Prophet is using. True happiness comes from consecrating our all to Him.
Comment by Mike — January 28, 2008 @ 5:03 am
I have 2 great kids, and my marriage is getting better, but at the same time the idea of happiness existing is hard to believe, I’m married at a very young age, and all I hear from my kids and husband are “commands”, half the time I just want to runaway. Plus I’m in school working on my degree, and I have a strong feeling that my husband just wants me to stay home and be his slave forever. I feel like I’m trapped in a box just like I was when I was younger, never able to go out because I had to watch my siblings. Any suggestions for me?
Comment by Sascha — May 29, 2008 @ 1:38 pm
Sascha,
I can feel for you. I, too, got married (too) young and started having kids right away. I was going to school too, so I know it can be overwhelming. Fortunately my dh has always been very supportive of what I do.
Have you talked openly with your husband about how you feel? Also, have you tried talk therapy to work through how your feeling? Even if you don’t have insurance that would cover it many/most colleges and universities have programs that allow you to get some free or low cost counseling and/or offer referrals. If you are at a university with a counseling psychology program, you can often get high quality therapy for little to no cost.
Comment by rondell — May 29, 2008 @ 1:57 pm
Yes, this is so rampant in our church. I hate this! Its one thing to try and have a good attitude and “carry on”, but to deny all feelings of sadness, grief, anger, etc all of the time is impossible and unhealthy. Why do people think that anger is a “bad feeling”? All feelings are normal and natural, and some of them take time to work through. Yes, there are places where it would be inappropriate or uncomfortable to work through them, such as up at the pulpit on fast Sunday! But people really need to respect the feelings of others and the trials they are currently working through.
Comment by sb — January 2, 2009 @ 3:44 am
Just be careful that you are fully knowledgeable about the exact historical evolution of your religion. I was raised by Christian Evangelical parents and spent many confused unhappy years trying to sort through my misgivings and doubts about what I was being told. It is a very painful process to remain open minded and to question and doubt your beliefs particularly if you have been raised in it. Very difficult. For years, I would always leave church feeling confused, guilty, and oppressed for these main reasons. 1. Most people would be going to hell 2. I knew a lot of people that I really admired and liked who were going to hell 3. I never felt that I was doing enough to help spread the gospel. 4. I never felt I was praying, reading Bible, or witnessing enough. 5. I felt vaguely embarrassed to spread the gospel because it seemed so strange….to tell people they could end up going to a fiery eternal pit with the devil if they don’t accept Christ. Also, I noticed that many of the church leader’s wives seemed tired and disillusioned. There was no great divine spark of love or joy emanating from them. Today, I’m married with two kids and pretty happy most of the time. I’ve worked out my salvation with fear and trembling and realized that God’s great spirit of love exists. I’ve extracted the basic truths of my parent’s faith and I live by it. However, I also now know that much of what I had been taught was religious hooey. I had to sift through to get to the basic teaching which I believe are universal truths manifested through many religious teachings. Religion is an attempt to organize these truths. Anyway, do your due diligence and make sure your religious beliefs are correct. Make sure they are true. Just because one man claimed he was a prophet does not mean his words are a fixed truth. It has happened MANY MANY times in human history and a religion has evolved from that particular teaching. Just think of the millions and millions around the world who also think that THEIR beliefs are the ONE TRUE PATH. In fact, they die and kill for their beliefs. Are you 100% sure that yours is THE TRUTH? Since there are many paths and many faithful adherents, many must be wrong. Remain open to this absolute reality. Be forewarned….it can be a painful journey that is not for the fainthearted. But it is also painful to live a life based on partial truths with one’s head stuck in the sand.
Comment by CV — February 1, 2009 @ 9:23 am