Dear fMh: Advice for a Future Mixed-Faith Family
Suzy writes:
I’m soon to be engaged to a member of the LDS church. I’m not a member myself (nor an investigator, to be clear), and I have so many questions and don’t really have a good resource to find answers. While I don’t subscribe to the church’s teachings, I know they will be a large and important part of my life. I’ve been reading the fMh blog and I think there’s a lot of thoughtful and careful consideration of church doctrine and how it applies to women’s lives specifically. I really appreciate what I’ve learned here!
I’m atheist and I really don’t have much family, so I don’t have any religious or family traditions to cater to. As far as the “mixed” aspect of our relationship, it has caused me many times more apprehension than it has caused him. Initially, I was concerned that he would come to resent me for my philosophy, that it would cast him as a rebel in his community (guilt by association!), and mostly that in not having a Temple marriage, he would feel he hadn’t completed his responsibility to his future family. I had a lot of other concerns, mostly insubstantial, but those were the top of the list. We’re very comfortable with our opposing philosophies now, but we know not everyone else has to be or will be. We agree that there will be hurdles to jump, and not everyone will support us, but he isn’t fazed. He is so reassuring and comforting, and I draw a lot of strength from his confidence.
What I would like to know about first is what sort of rites or ceremonies are there for newborns, and are there any expectations as to the treatment of the new baby and the family (circumcision or other postpartum care for the baby, as well as for the mother such as a babymoon, a laying-in or extended-family visitation, or lack thereof)? I also would like to know how some members of mixed-faith marriages have been handling some aspects of childrearing. That’s a whole kettle of questions in itself. Where have couples in mixed-faith marriages experienced difficulties in childrearing and what solutions have they found? What ways have parents found to talk about it with their children? What kinds of questions have children asked about it?
We plan to have our children attend church services and functions with their father. I do plan to accompany the rest of the family to church occasionally and for special functions, but I am really looking forward to a tradition of having the house to myself on Sunday mornings. He knows this and agrees that it will be nice to have some scheduled quiet time to myself on the weekend. Less pressing, though still important, are the questions about my participation in church activities with my family. Will it be encouraged? Discouraged? We expect a lot of leading questions from other people when we announce our engagement such as “Getting married, eh? Is she interested in the church?” He’s nervous about these interactions because he feels like they’re meant to elicit a certain answer (a “right” answer). I suggested that instead of trying to come up with a way to answer for me, he might try saying that faith is a personal matter for me and that I’d prefer to answer that for myself. It’s true; I would like to represent myself honestly and openly. Again, how have other couples managed discussions such as this one?
I’m sure there is an endless list of questions I’ll have and will only be able to answer most of them through personal experience. But, if anyone would like to share anything they think might be helpful, I’d be glad to hear about your experiences or check out resources that have been useful to you.
We’re getting ready to bless our new son in two weeks, so all the baby stuff is fresh in my mind. The only ceremony that goes along with a new LDS child is a blessing. This is usually done in the local ward with a Priesthod holder (usually the father or close relative) and a small group of family members/close friends. The child is given a name for the church records, followed by a short blessing.
There is nothing in the church that says a boy has to be circumsized. Our pediatrician told us about 60% of his patients are circumsized when they are born (we live in Northern Utah). I assume this number goes up and down depending where you live. I actually didn’t want to have our son done, but my wife talked me into it.
As far as church services and participation go, I really feel for you. I hate to start the comments out in a negative way, but from what I’ve seen, you’re in for a heckuva fight. From my experience if you are in an area with a large LDS population, you will be treated either like a prospective convert as long as you live, or everyone will keep their distance and won’t associate with you. If you aren’t living in a large LDS population, the members will welcome you with open arms. All of this is based on what I’ve seen in the three or four wards I’ve lived in, others may be different.
Comment by jjohnsen — May 22, 2006 @ 4:47 pm
Hi Suzy - I’m in a mixed-faith marriage. My husband is happily agnostic and I am active in the LDS church. Everyone tried to tell me it’d be so much harder to make the marriage work, but to be honest with you, our marriage works just fine. We’ve been together for 11 years, married for 6.5 of them, and religion just isn’t an issue for us. Of course, that might change when our first child is born in six weeks . . . but somehow I doubt it.
The church makes no requirements on the manner in which a child is born - no silent births here! Birth can be whatever you want it to be. Nor are there any requirements as to what happens after the child is born. Circumcision is a matter of personal choice. There is no religiously-mandated “babymoon” period but there is also no rule against having one, if it’s what you want. Some wards’ relief socities (the women’s organisation) organise meal drives to provide meals for new mothers; some wards’ relief societies do not. There are no set rules.
The only ceremony for newborns is the name and the blessing - a simple blessing on the baby given in Sacrament Meeting. Generally this happens when the baby is newborn. This isn’t considered a “saving ordinance” the way baptism is considered a “saving ordinance.” For instance, if an adult joins the church, he or she is baptised; but s/he isn’t given a name and a blessing. If you feel uncomfortable giving your child a name and a blessing, you don’t have to do it. By the same token, of course, you don’t have to let your child get baptised when s/he is 8, but that will raise more eyebrows.
This will be our first child, so we’ll be figuring things out as we go. My husband isn’t the type to want to settle things before they arise (it’s the Aussie in him). I may be naive, but I really feel that dealing with religion won’t be any more difficult than dealing with the normal problems of blending two families - for instance, my family always opens presents on Christmas Eve; my husband’s family always opens presents on Christmas Day; we’ve had more arguments over when to open presents than over to what extent our children will be raised LDS! But I’m confident in our ability to address these issues as they arise, because we have such a long history behind us - we are solid in our devotion to each other.
I don’t really have any resources to recommend - but if you’d like to see how one family dealt with it in the 1800s, read “Papa Married a Mormon.” It’s light-hearted and you won’t find much in it to help your present-day situation, but it’s reassuring all the same to see that it can happen, that you can raise happy, balanced children in a mixed-faith home.
Comment by Quimby — May 22, 2006 @ 5:06 pm
I’m not yet married, but perhaps I can address some of your concerns.
Circumcision is an interesting topic; I live in the Jello Belt and an amazing number of LDS people think that it is required by the church. This is absolutely untrue. From a doctrinal standpoint, it’s a choice left to the parents, but you might get some strange looks from the uninformed if you choose not to circ.
Infant baptism is considered “an abomination,” but (similar to other churches) we have a dedication rite for newborns. It’s called a “baby blessing” and it’s commonly done in church on the first sunday of the month after the baby is born, and done by a priesthood holder, usually the father (if he is a member in good standing.) The father and several other men in the congregation who have been invited to participate stand in a circle and hold the baby, and the father formally names the child and gives an impromtu father’s blessing. This can also be done at home, if you’re uncomfortable with doing it at church.
Babymoons and other such things are choices left to the parents. The closest thing to a “tradition” of which I am aware is that often the women of the church, if they are aware of a recent birth, will make a few meals for the family, so that the new mother doesn’t have to cook dinner for a few days.
Will you be planning on helping get the children ready for church in the morning? I’ve heard many single moms complain that it’s very difficult for one person to get all the children ready and still make it to church on time, and so you and your husband might want to discuss who has the responsibilities for the Sunday morning activities.
Your participation in church activites will be encouraged by ward members, whether or not you are a member. When I was growing up, there was a family in my ward with an LDS mom and a Jewish dad. They agreed before their marriage that the children would be raised LDS, but the mom became inactive in the church. The dad took the children to church every single week, by himself, to honor that promise to his wife, even though she wouldn’t “honor” it herself. (I thought “wow, I hope I marry a man of his character.”) The ward was friendly to him, and although he was frequently asked whether he wanted to meet with the missionaries, they didn’t become upset by his consistent “no, I’m happy being Jewish.”
Children are active participants in the church from an early age. Beginning in January of the year they turn four, if I recall correctly, they may be asked to give a short talk in Primary (the children’s meeting.) Depending on the size of your ward, that request could be made anywhere from yearly to every other month. Usually parents come to Primary on the days that their children are giving talks, to cheer them on (or in the case of younger ones, to whisper each sentence in their ears). The children also learn songs in the children’s meeting and present them a few times a year during Sacrament Meeting.
I’m sure there are many people here with experience in interfaith families, and they’ll be much more able to help, so I’ll just lurk from here on out.
Comment by Ariel — May 22, 2006 @ 5:11 pm
eek. A couple of people beat me, there, with the basic information.
Comment by Ariel — May 22, 2006 @ 5:13 pm
while i’m not married, i did grow up in a ward with a good friend who was the daughter of a mixed faith couple. Growing up, I honestly had no idea that her mom was not of our faith. Her mom seemed to attend meetings and talk with the rest of the members of the ward just fine. But this was just perspective as a youth. There very well could have been awkward looks or snickers or things like that, but I was totally clueless.
they lived in my parents ward my whole life, in fact, they still do. I think because they were there so long, the ward just sort of accepted the fact that she wasn’t a “persepective member” and just treated her like everyone else.
i would think if you moved wards quite often, then you may run into the “perspective member” thing, but if you stay in one area, i think teh ward would generally get the hint, especially if you or your husband just talked to the bishop up front and mentioned that you aren’t really interested in talking to the missionaries, etc. Just my 2 cents.
Comment by garrelli — May 22, 2006 @ 5:36 pm
Well, congratulations on your marriage.
I’m one of those people who typically encourages LDS to marry LDS, but that’s just general advice. I wouldn’t presume to judge what’s appropriate for the particulars of your situation or your husband’s.
One detail. Are you “aetheist” or “agnostic?” I only ask because I know that lots of people who self-describe as aetheist are actually agnostics.
Aetheists actively believe there is no God.
Agnostics simply hold that there is no way for humans to know if there is a God or not.
My dad was agnostic before his conversion to the LDS faith.
Anyway, just asking. It makes little difference to me and I’m not interested in trying to convert you or anything like that.
But to address your inquiry.
It’s hard to say exactly how you will interface into your husband’s ward. Wards tend to be highly individualized in many ways and often reflect the opinions of those in leadership positions in their practices.
Some resources you could probably take advantage of without any obligation to join the LDS Church:
1. You can attend Church meetings whenever the mood strikes you. Sacrament meeting is typically large and impersonal. You can leave quickly after closing and preserve a degree of anonymity.
Sunday School classes and Relief Society meetings are much smaller gatherings and you will likely be asked to introduce yourself (which may or may not be an uncomfortable prospect for you). If you’re uncertain, you can talk to the Relief Society President before-hand and mention your concerns and see if she has any ideas for making you welcome. Same with any of the other instructors in Gospel Doctrine or Gospel Essentials classes. There is a certain unwritten dress code at Mormon meetings. Ask your husband about how to dress if you’re concerned with blending in a bit.
2. The Ward Mission leader will likely find out about you at some point and, depending on how proactive he is, may put out a few feelers to see how interested you are in joining. Be polite, but firm about your intentions and what you expect your relationship with the ward to be. At any rate, I’d expect a visit from a couple young missionaries (they are routinely sent out to part-member families). Experiences with the missionaries are pretty hit and miss. Some are overly pushy, some aren’t. Takes all kinds. Just keep in mind that they’re only 19 years old and probably mean well. As always, polite, but firm.
3. You are certainly welcome at any ward social event. There is typically a Christmas party and often parties celebrating other holidays (like Halloween, July 4th, and Valentines Day). Make sure your husband brings home a copy of the Sacrament meeting program (which always includes upcoming ward events). You also will want to make sure that you get the monthly ward newsletter (most wards have one). This will keep you informed. This is especially important when you have children attending the ward’s Primary (the children’s organization). If there isn’t a ward newsletter, nicely ask the Bishop or Relief Society President about the possibility of the ward starting one, they’ll probably appreciate the input.
4. If you would like, you can have the Relief Society assign “Visiting Teachers” to come visit you. Your husband will likely have a couple men from the ward assigned to him as “Home Teachers.” These guys are supposed to visit the family once monthly (although some aren’t quite as dilligent about this as others). But Visiting Teachers are two women from the Relief Society. The purpose of these visits is to include all the women “in the ward” and provide a connection. Usually, they present a spiritual message and have a prayer with the person in the home. But you can set your own boundaries and expectations. If you feel any unwanted pressure, you either cease the visits or reassert you expectations.
5. If you live in Utah, it would be nice of you to keep an eye on your neighbors’ houses. Thieves in Utah make a point of finding out when sacrament meetings are held and take the opportunity to break into the unnoccupied homes. Non-members can serve as an informal “neighborhood watch” during these times.
6. Major events in a Mormon child’s life are:
-Baby blessing (held in Sacrament meeting and performed by your husband, the Bishop, and any other males you and your husband may choose, who hold the Melkezedic Priesthood).
-Baptism. Typically performed at age eight in the church’s own Baptismal Font. Baptism may be deferred in the case of a child with developmental or mental disability. Different Bishops may have different traditions in providing religious quizzes to the child in an informal interview. Some don’t bother, but simply meet and take the opportunity to have a friendly chat with the child.
-On the Sunday immediately following the Baptism, the child may be given the Gift of the Holy Ghost in Sacrament Meeting. The male participants in the blessing are chosen along the same lines as in the baby blessing.
-Duty to God Award. The child will receive a booklet with a bunch of religious oriented tasks (like service projects, etc.). If the child meets the requirements, they get a little medallion or tie pin signifying the accomplishment. The Bishop will often present these in Sacrament Meeting in front of the congregation.
-Graduation from Primary. Depending on the Bishop, this may or may not be done with a little ceremony in front of the congregation in Sacrament Meeting.
-If the child is a boy, he will be a candidate for receiving the Aaronic Priesthood at age 12. He will receive the title of “Deacon” (duties include passing the sacrament trays to the congregation, attending classes and collecting Fast Offerings the first Sunday of every month). The ceremony conferring the Priesthood is usaully private, in the Bishop’s office or at the family’s home. This may be announced in Sacrament Meeting, and typically the new Priesthood member will pass the Sacrament that very Sunday. You may want to be in Church for this.
-If the child is a girl, there will be a “Young Womanhood in Excellence Award.” This will happen in her teenage years. Many Bishops present these awards in Sacrament Meeting. And if they don’t, I think they ought to start.
-A young man, after being made a Deacon, will progress, depending on personal worthiness, to the offices of Teacher and Priest. Each is accompanied by a similar ceremony to the one of becoming a Deacon. Teachers are given the additional duties of preparing the Sacramental bread and water prior to Sacrament Meeting. Teachers will also be assigned as Home Teachers to families in the ward in the company of an experienced adult Priesthood holder (often their own father). Priests gain the additional duty of performing the blessing of the Sacrament. You’ll probably want to be in Sacrament Meeting for their first blessing.
-Once in high school, Mormon children will be encouraged to enroll in Seminary courses to further their religious education. In Utah, the seminary classes are usually held near the high school during the school day. Outside Utah, the classes are early in the morning, before high school classes. The graduation is around the same time as high school graduation. You’ll want to be at that.
-I’m afraid there simply aren’t as many ceremonies accompanying young womanhood in the Church. But anyway …
-Once the young man turns 19, he becomes a candidate for the Melkezedik Priesthood. He’ll also get a calling to serve as a missionary at this time, if he qualifies. That’s pretty much it for Mormon childhood.
7. You need to develop your own strong spiritual, religious or philosophical identity.
Mormon culture is very strong and very pervasive. If you abdicate all spiritual observance in your life to your husband and your children, you will likely start to feel overshadowed by them. This can lead to frustration and resentment. If there is no strength of belief in your own life, you will naturally start to feel pressure to “become a Mormon” and this may be frustrating to you.
If you eventually feel that Mormonism is a good fit for you (and I would encourage you to remain open to the possibility), wonderful. But if not, you need to cultivate your own beliefs. I don’t care if they are philosophical, spiritualistic, or traditionally religious. But get your own identity and maintain it. Marriage is put under a lot of strain when there is any inequality in the relationship. Don’t just leave the “churching” to your husband. You are directly in charge of religious observance in your home and the ethics that are valued there.
Take the time to learn about Mormonism. But also learn about other religions and belief systems and allow them to enrich your life as well. Take good where you find it and be sure to spread it within your own sphere of influence.
Best of luck.
Comment by Seth R. — May 22, 2006 @ 5:42 pm
Suzy - Circumcision is NOT required by the church, but highly prevalent in the USA. Being British this has never even been questioned - as only Jews in England are circumcised.
The baby’s blessing has already been very well explained.
I think depending on where you live, I fear jjohnson may be right about treating you as a prospective member. I hope this is never the case for you. We do claim in our articles of faith that people can worship - or not - when, where and how they like. I think that’s often forgotten though in some people’s over zealous missionary tactics.
I’m glad you’ve found us here at FMH and are comfy enough to ask us questions.
And congrats on your upcoming marriage!
Comment by Rebecca — May 22, 2006 @ 5:47 pm
And by the way, you do have a say in your children’s upbringing. They are not supposed to be going through all the milestones I mentioned without your approval.
What I said about keeping the spirituality in your marriage equal between you and your husband also depends on the depth of your husband’s committment and belief.
Comment by Seth R. — May 22, 2006 @ 5:48 pm
Remember that the bloggernacle in general (including this blog) tend to be gathering places for those who feel they are missing something in their traditional church observance.
So be forewarned that views on proselyting activity are likely to skew negative here. You’ll hear a lot of horror stories and not too many positive experiences.
But I’ve known plenty of non-Mormons living in Utah who had no trouble adjusting to the culture and were completely OK with the well-meaning, but sometimes over-zealous conversion attempts. Some of them actually welcomed the concern shown by their neighbors (face it, in many US neighborhoods, the neighbors don’t even care if you exist). Some even decided to convert and are very thankful to their friends who had the courage to reach out and invite them in.
It takes all kinds. But here on the bloggernacle, you’ll often only hear about the negative experiences.
Relationships are what you make of them.
Comment by Seth R. — May 22, 2006 @ 5:56 pm
To add to what Seth said about the missionaries visiting: We live a good 45 minutes away from the nearest ward house. We *hardly ever* see the missionaries. It wasn’t a factor in deciding where to live; but if you want to avoid having the missionaries come by, consider moving to the middle of nowhere. We also *hardly ever* see home or visiting teachers - in the past 5 years I’ve had my home teachers visit three times and my visiting teachers visit once. They are always welcome; but they couldn’t be bothered coming out to see us.
(Aside to Rebecca: it’s the same here - only Jews and Muslims are circumcised. When my sister-in-law and her Muslim husband circumcised their son, my brother-in-law’s partner, who is a Canadian of German descent who has lived here for 25+ years, had a fit. Oddly enough, I have a Jewish friend who announced over breakfast - bacon and eggs - that he isn’t circumcised and would never circumcise a son. According to his rabbi, it’s not really necessary. Go figure.)
Comment by Quimby — May 22, 2006 @ 6:07 pm
RE: the baby blessing
I don’t think you have to have the bishop in the circle. There just needs to be a member of the bishopric (either the bishop or one of his counselors) attending the blessing–I assume to make sure it’s carried of ‘orthodoxly’–no women or unordained men participating, for example. There’s a couple in my ward who, during the monthly ward fast & testimony meeting, mentioned that they’d blessed their new baby at home that weekend. The next month they blessed the baby in the meeting. Apparently they were told that the first blessing was ‘invalid’ because a member of the bishopric wasn’t there (they had no idea).
Comment by Artemis — May 22, 2006 @ 6:29 pm
No, it’s not a requirement to have the Bishop himself there (just a member of the Bishopric). But it’s traditional.
Comment by Seth R. — May 22, 2006 @ 6:55 pm
Per #11: Artemis (anyone) — but baby blessings aren’t essential ordinances, so how could they be “invalidated” because of protocol. Sounds like a local over-reach to me. (I’ve had several friends give home blessing sans bishopric . . . I can’t imagine God didn’t hear these fathers’ blessings!)
Comment by Deborah — May 22, 2006 @ 7:04 pm
Deborah raises an interesting point: since baby blessings aren’t essential ordinances, and since *any* father can give a father’s blessing, whether or not he has the priesthood, why can’t a non-member father give a child a name and a blessing?
Comment by Quimby — May 22, 2006 @ 7:07 pm
Deborah: yah, that’s what I said and what the dad said. Could easily be a quirk of my local leadership (and ya’ll know how fun they can be… wanting to talk about yardwork on Easter, etc.)
Quimby, that’s a very good question and, to take it further, if it’s not an essential ordinance, why even have it be a priesthood function at all? Why not let the mother and other women participate? But it seems to be policy, at least, to consider it a semi-ordinance, which is why the bishopric has to oversee it and only worthy, priesthood-holding men are allowed to participate.
But I fear we’re shamelessly threadjacking.
Comment by Artemis — May 22, 2006 @ 7:17 pm
Quimby, could you email me, I’m not sure if what I’ve sent you got there or not. Thanks . . .
Comment by fMhLisa — May 22, 2006 @ 8:05 pm
Suzy,
Many have already given you a lot of information on specifics of activites/programs in the LDS faith. I just wanted to share my experiences. I’m an active LDS woman married to an active Catholic. We don’t have children yet, but I wanted to share a little what our marriage is like.
We both attend church services with each other every Sunday–we never agreed on this before we were married but it has just ended up that way. To be honest, Sunday morning’s alone (as you plan) sounds pretty good!
Our inter-faith marriage works because neither of us has the desire for the other to convert — because neither of us is an absolutist with regards to our religion. I believe that there are many truths in the LDS faith, but I’m not an “orthodox” mormon by any means. My husband was raised Catholic and values attending church (either mass or sacrament) because he simply believes it’s an opportunity for listening and retrospection. However, if you pin him down he’s more agnostic than anything. I’m not sure an inter-faith marriage based on the [even unspoken or subconsience] hope that the other converts would be as easy. It sounds like your soon-to-be fiancee understands and respects your religious views.
As for kids, we have agreed that for as long as feasible, they’ll attend both services with us, and will be encouraged to learn about mormon, catholic, and other faiths before making any baptism decision (which likely means they will get baptized at an older age than infancy or 8 ).
As for the endless stream of members hoping to convert… yeah, that’ll be there. After 3 years of regularly attending sacrament with me, the other members are just used to him so it stops after a while–though I think many assume he is LDS.
I declined home teachers though out of respect for my husband. (Listening to talks in sunday church service is very different and allows for more anonymity than two men reading the ensign (church magazine) in your living room).
Comment by Aspen — May 22, 2006 @ 8:08 pm
We have lots of non member family and always have our baby blessins in our home where the family can get more of a feel for what its about and we don’t have to worry about somebody saying something crazy while the family is visiting. It seems more intimate, both for the non members and for me since I’m not sitting in a pew in the back trying to listen through the regular hum of a sacrament meeting. A member of the Bishopric always comes.
Comment by Laura F — May 22, 2006 @ 8:42 pm
The doctrinal basis of baby blessings is found in D&C 20:70
“Every member of the church of Christ having children is to bring them unto the elders before the church, who are to lay their hands upon them in the name of Jesus Christ, and belss them in his name.”
The Missionary Handbook defines this as Melchizedek Priesthood holders only.
The Bishopric member requirement probably comes from the official Church “Handbook of Instructions” which most members don’t have access to, and are only familiar with if they served in the higher leadership positions in the ward.
Sorry about the threadjack. I have no self-control.
One thing I didn’t mention:
You are also entitled, under Church doctrine, to personal blessings from your husband (assuming his worthiness, and assuming a desire on your part). He can also give such personal blessings to your children. You aren’t obligated to ask for these, neither is he supposed to be pushing them inappropriately. But you can get one if you feel it would be helpful for you. You don’t have to be a Mormon to be on the receiving end.
These blessings are much more informal and typically take place in the home with only immediate family members present.
Comment by Seth R. — May 22, 2006 @ 9:59 pm
but baby blessings aren’t essential ordinances, so how could they be “invalidated” because of protocol.
Ordinances that are recorded by the Church (like baptisms, ordinations, sealings) require ecclesiastical supervision. Ordinances that are not recorded (like father’s blessings, blessing of the sick) do not.
Because the naming of a child is recorded by the Church, it is overseen by the local bishopric. Other blessings of children are not overseen by ecclesiastical authority.
It is possible to bless and name a child at home, although current practice is to encourge the blessing to be done in a public meeting. I don’t think the blessing and naming can be “invalid” in either case.
Comment by obi-wan — May 22, 2006 @ 10:06 pm
Lots of good information here; let me add a bit more. If you haven’t noticed it already, the LDS church is full of opportunities and requirements of service, as it is run by a lay ministry. As a (I’m assuming) Melchizedek Priesthood holder, your husband will be called to serve in many places at church, sometimes requiring to be away from home and focused on church instead of family much more than just a 3-hour block on Sundays. At the least he’ll be a home teacher with the responsibility of visiting a few families a month and providing spiritual and physical support to them; at the most, he could be asked to fill a very time-consuming calling, such as a Young Men’s leader, a ward missionary, a presidency member, etc. Some wards ask their ward leaders to make extra visits to the local temple in addition to regular calling duties. Depending on the local bishopric or stake presidency, you may or may not be informed when your husband is “called” to service in his ward or stake. It would probably be a good idea to discuss and plan with him now what the procedure will be when he receives a calling - if you want to be in on the decision and have a say in how much time he is required to spend away from the family, work that out with him now so he can easily tell a bishopric member that he would like to talk the calling over with his wife before accepting it on the spot. While bishoprics are encouraged to have both spouses involved in the calling process, it is not a requirement, and often time constraints keep us from ideal, full-disclosure and communication situations.
Treatment of part-member families can vary widely depending on the part of the country you’re in and what your local leadership is like. So, if it’s going badly, you can just wait it out 5-7 years and the natural turnover will bring about a change. Conversely, if it’s going great, enjoy it while you can. You could become a focal point of the ward missionaries, you could be ignored, or you could be treated just like everyone else.
As family (and eternal families) are a large part of current church curriculum focus, your children will hear (perhaps often) the importance of temple marriage, familial sealings and “forever families”. You and your husband will need to be prepared to answer (perhaps repeatedly) questions about being sealed and going to the temple. You may even find yourself in an earnest one-on-one conversation with a son or daughter explaining your beliefs, or lack thereof.
Whatever ward you end up living in, though, rest assured that there will be people in your same situation. They probably won’t be too visible, but there’s a good chance you’ll find each other if you look, and then there’s always the internet community for support and reassurance.
Oh, and count my vote for blessing the baby at home.
Comment by LRC — May 22, 2006 @ 10:11 pm
Perhaps another thing you may want to talk over with your fiancé would be tithing, and fast offerings. We’re asked to donate 10% of our increase (read: income, whether that is pre-tax income or post-tax income is a matter of personal opinion). This money goes towards building, running and cleaning ward buildings, and temples, and towards paying for ward activities, (ie a Christmas party, etc.) None of it is pocketed by the leadership, (lay ministry).
LDSs also fast regularly. A Fast offering is a donation of the money we would have spent on the food we didn’t eat while we were fasting. This money goes to the “Bishop’s Storehouse” where it can be given to ward members and some non-members who are in need.
Some mixed faith families I know have dealt with this in various ways. If both spouses work, then the LDS spouse will pay tithing on their income only. If just one spouse works sometimes they split the income by 50% and the LDS spouse pays tithing on his/her ‘half.’ I personally would recommend an all or nothing approach, because the half & half approaches lend themselves to a competetive, rather than unified, frame of mind. I lean towards paying tithing on all the income, but that’s cause I’m LDS and I think paying tithing has very real benefits. However, the benefits of paying tithing are worthless if it negetively affects your relationship and causes contention.
Either way congratulations on your pending engagement!
Comment by Starfoxy — May 22, 2006 @ 10:36 pm
I (LDS) am married (11 years) to a wonderful athiest. Three kids. But I have a question for you… how much do you already know about the LDS faith? Have you already asked your fiance about all this? I firmly believe that as long as the two of you respect each other in their current belief system you will be just fine. I defend athiesm and he defends LDS-ism all the time.
As for kids, it does get a bit trickier, and you will not know how you are going to feel until it happends. This is true even as your children grow up. My DH is just fine helping me get everyone to church and even sits through sacrament with me just to be all together (and to help me). But I realize that in 5 years he might feel different with our current ‘raise em in the church’ plan. It just goes with the territory. As for that though, any person has the right to change their mind. Just because you marry in the temple doesn’t mean that you will still believe in the gospel your whole life. As a church that places to much emphasis on conversion I believe that we need to be respectful of those that decide to leave as well.
So enough rambling. If you take comments or actions of others in the spirit that they were meant, you will rarely be offended by members of the LDS faith.
Comment by whatsmyloginagain? — May 22, 2006 @ 11:37 pm
I live in a ward where one of the Relief Society Presidency (which means she is very active in the church) is married to someone who is a non-member. She is about my age (35 or maybe she’s younger) with two young kids.
She makes it quite clear that her husband does not believe in the church, but he is very supportive. He does seem very supportive–I see him at church sometimes and I’ve seen him helping people move, etc. People react to him very positively, I think, because she seems happy and appreciative.
Some members are married to people who don’t understand what being a member means, and it can make both partners miserable.
I would suggest that you make it clear that you don’t believe in the gospel, but since it is a part of your husband, you will support him in that. Try to be kind to the ward members who will occasionally try to convert you.
Wards tend to be a way to be social. Be willing to get to know people in the ward by attending activities and being friends outside of church, so that your husband feels like he has friends at church.
As for children, I think that is probably the most difficult. Ask yourself if your children become LDS, will it bother you? It means them putting their religion as a major priority, it means going on missions (especially boys, girls are voluntary), it means getting married in the temple where you won’t be able to see them get married, it means them pointing out standards as 3 year olds or 10 year olds or 16 year olds that they think are “right.”–that disagree with what you think are right. I think it can be done, but you will need to decide that if they do become LDS adults, that you can love that about them. (It is hard for me to imagine raising my children to believe something other than what I believe).
And your husband needs to decide if his children decide the church is not for them, that he can be happy that they are just good people.
I have to also point out that this blog is not necessarily an accurate portrayal of the LDS faith. It is a very all encompassing religion. I am actually quite surprised by how much criticism and confusion some people seem to vent on the blogs. Things are a little more clear cut in actual meetings, and amoung the people that I talk to in real life. No one in my family for instance ever criticized church leaders or says that some parts of the gospel aren’t exactly right. I think that you should understand that to many people the church is “true” and that means everything about the church is true (except jello salad which is just cultural). It doesn’t mean we should be jerks though, so if someone believes the church is true and is also a jerk they have some repenting to do.
Comment by jks — May 23, 2006 @ 12:00 am
Which reaffirms my point that blogs like FMH tend to attract people with a less conventional approach to being a Mormon.
Most active Mormons I know don’t tend to question Church policy half as much as it gets questioned on the blogs.
Comment by Seth R. — May 23, 2006 @ 6:47 am
Which reaffirms my point that blogs like FMH tend to attract people with a less conventional approach to being a Mormon.
Most active Mormons I know don’t tend to question Church policy half as much as it gets questioned on the blogs.
It’s hard to tell whether that is a result of blogs attracting the exceptionally disaffected, or a result of blogs offering relative anonymity that allows “most active Mormons” to say what they would feel uncomfortable articulating face to face.
Probably some of both
Comment by obi-wan — May 23, 2006 @ 8:37 am
Suzy — First, congratulations. As you probably already know, we LDS believe that marriage is a good thing!
You’ve been given good, accurate information here. The only thing I have to add (even though it’s already been said) is that the reaction you and your husband will get depends to a large degree on the particular ward you live in and how your husband handles the issue.
At least where I live now, if your husband were to make clear that you don’t want certain types of contact, or want home teachers coming only when you’re not at home, for example, those wishes would be honored. In my ward, you’d be welcomed at all social events (and church meetings too, for that matter) with no pressures or snide comments made about your lack of membership. If you come to a worship service, you’re free to not partake of the sacrament (what other Christian churches call communion or eucharist), or if you want to participate in it and ascribe to it your own meaning, nobody will stop you. At some point, you might be asked if you’d like missionaries to visit you (or you might even be asked by the missionaries), but if you offer an unambiguous no, you wouldn’t be hassled. If you were to attend a Sunday class (gospel doctrine or Relief Society), nobody would mind if you asked sincere questions as long as they didn’t come across as confrontational or arrogant.
If you’re like most people, you’d probably feel more comfortable if you dressed up to come on Sundays. (Actually, I don’t mean dressed up. I mean wearing a skirt or dress that goes at least to the knees. In the LDS subculture, a classy pantsuit doesn’t count as dressing up, but denim skirts do. Go figure.) In my ward, people probably wouldn’t say anything if you dressed casually, but in some wards (unfortunately) they would.
In my ward, we have several people in prominent leadership positions who are married to non-members. It really isn’t that big of a deal.
I can’t say that all wards would be that accepting. But we do have the example of our church president, whom I have seen interacting on TV with talk show host Larry King, a Jewish agnostic who is married to a Mormon. I don’t recall Hinckley ever telling King that he needed to convert, but he did praise King for being a good father. That’s the attitude we’re supposed to have, and that’s the example that has been set for us, although it doesn’t always happen that way.
Comment by Copedi — May 23, 2006 @ 9:20 am
I probably should have waited for others to express their views before sharing the negative part of my post. What I wrote is mostly just repeating what non-members in my area have expressed to me. I think it an be tough to raise a family in Utah if you aren’t LDS.
I don’t feel I’m exceptionally disaffected, I just happen to questions things a little more than the majority of people in my ward. Instead of causing problems by bringing up these quesions in EQ or Sunday School, I’ve found a way in the Bloggernacle to discuss these things in a non testimony-killing way
Comment by jjohnsen — May 23, 2006 @ 9:35 am
Hey in my exp you may NEVER have anybody directly ask you if you want the missionary discussions. My exp tells me that the vast majority of members are afraid to raise the issue with a non-member spouse. Also most people will just assume you are a member anyway
We have a non-member husband who attends all the time. Nobody ever bothers him except maybe…..
“are you coming to softball on Friday? We need another infielder” Or maybe your kid “gave a great talk” or how about….. Your wife is a good primary teacher
Comment by bbell — May 23, 2006 @ 12:42 pm
I grew up with an active Mormon mom and very less than active Dad. (He never criticized the church and was glad that we went). Having said that…
You and your husband will need to talk about the Word of Wisdom and chastity issues and how you will present them to your children. You’ll be dealing with “Why does Mommy drink coffee?” and “Why does Mommy drink wine with dinner?” There is also a big difference between telling your kids that they should wait until they’re married to do the deed because it’s “a good idea” and because it’s due to religious reasons.
Both parents need to put up a united front and if one parent thinks something is a big deal and the other doesn’t, unhappiness ensues.
Comment by Carrie W. — May 23, 2006 @ 1:10 pm
To be clear, I’ve never had a problem with a little healthy dissent in religious dialogue. But I just wanted to keep the conversation in perspective since the comments on proselyting are almost unanimously negative. I just wanted to present an alternative take on the impulse to convert our neighbors.
It’s not a given that everyone is going to find the attention unwanted. I know several people who weren’t members but were just glad that people were reaching out to them. Whatever the reason.
Suzy,
You are free to be as involved or uninvolved in the Church as you wish. I simply wanted to highlight as many possibilities for involvement as I could think of. I also wanted to suggest that such involvement needn’t be negative.
Comment by Seth R. — May 23, 2006 @ 5:12 pm
Whatever religion you decide you might like to venture into, do some research. I was awaken when I read Under the Banner of Heaven. Talk to others out there and visit churches to find a nonpressure approach.
Comment by donna carlson — May 23, 2006 @ 8:37 pm
donna,
The entire premise of Krakauer’s book is that all religion is inherently violent and that all religious people have a subcurrent of violence running through their lives that’s just waiting to spring forth and ambush poor innocent secularist America.
Sure he targeted only Mormons, but he was taking a shot at all religious belief. Not to mention the really shoddy research behind the book.
However, I think a self-indulgent hippy rock-climber from Boulder, CO is the last place I’d go for a serious and informed opinion on religious belief.
Krakauer’s books are essentially the same as Tom Clancy novels. Fun, snappy, dumb reading. But not a place to form serious political or intellectual views of the world. I like a quick read as much as the next guy, but I don’t typically take mass paperbacks seriously.
Comment by Seth R. — May 23, 2006 @ 9:48 pm
I appreciate all the advice, answers and anecdotes I’ve read here so far. Thank you all! I’d like to make a few (long) responses.
First, to Seth R: I am capital “A” Atheist. Not kinda-atheist. But publicly, and by that I mean in conversations and dealings with others, I maintain an agnostic perspective out of respect. Like Aspen’s marriage, we’re deeply respectful of each other’s beliefs. When we met, he was convinced that his task was to bring the Gospel to me, and he gave it a good go. No dice. Since then we’ve seen that we each have a model of belief that works well for us, and we’d never, ever ask the other to give it up. We know it wouldn’t make the other happy. So while I know that having a weak or non-committal philosophy can leave one open to influence (not necessarily a bad thing at all), my philosophy is as carefully vetted and solidly structured as his. Oh boy, if there’s one thing we both want, it’s equality in decision-making when it comes to our children. I want our children to have the benefit of exposure to a variety of philosophies, but they will be raised in the church. One caveat: when they are “of age” (when exactly that is is yet to be determined) they’ll be free to choose to continue in the church or seek their own philosophy. He and I agree that religious observance isn’t worth much if it isn’t supported by faith.
I like what I’m hearing about the treatment non-members have received. We’ll likely live in a little bastion of Mormondom in an otherwise secular area. I want to fit in with his community and make friends there, and I expect to. If it seems that I can’t, I’d really prefer to live elsewhere.
I’ll probably always have a problem with the patriarchal structure of the church. We’re committed to raising our children to recognize unjust inequalities in society and to work to correct them. I don’t know whether readers see the church as being involved in perpetrating gender inequalities or not, but I do. I don’t know how we’ll integrate the teachings of the church and our own parenting philosophies…. This is a big worry for me because I want to be careful never to undermine my children’s respect for church doctrine. But my gut reaction to things like men being the only bearers of blessings and the like? Oooh!
As far as “healthy dissent in religious dialogue,” we banter back and forth quite often on matters of doctrine and non-belief. I aggressively question doctrine out of a genuine desire to understand the mind of the faithful. He appreciates it as it gives him a good opportunity to think deeply about the things he believes. Defending his beliefs to me in a safe and respectful space has given him a lot more confidence in his ability to defend them to anyone. Just wanted to share that. It’s a special part of our relationship.
Comment by Suzy — May 23, 2006 @ 10:51 pm
I gotta be honest… I think its a bad idea. My Dad was not a member (a “dry mormon”) all my childhood until I left the house. It caused major problems. It drove my mom sick with worry that I was not sealed to her, and I cant help but think that those thoughts will enter your hubby to be’s little “mo” mind. As much as we don’t think it will, having Kids changes us.
Lets be honest and look at the “facts”, most marriages end because of problems with money, sex and raising the kids. LDS people expect to raise their kids a certain way. We are a peculiar people.
If your kids have a testimony of being LDS, they will have a hard time with the whole “deal” and they may be the ones trying to convert you the most.
From my personal experience, you might want to rethink marriage to this guy (sorry). Being LDS goes deep. I mean deep. Look at all of us on this blog that have fundamentle problems with the organization of the church, and yet most of us attend church regularly, and LOVE the gospel. Your husband is no different. If it wasnt a big deal to him, he wouldn’t go to church.
Being sealed to his kids will be a big deal to him….
Raising his kids to be LDS will be a big deal to him (obviously as you two have already discussed this)…..
Every time he attends the temple, and church, he will feel unhappy that you are not attending with him. An eternal family is the root of the plan of salvation, and sorry, according to LDS doctrine that your husband to be will ascribe to, you guys are NOT an eternal family…..
It will affect your marriage.
Like it or not, ones belief in God is a big deal, and a big deal breaker.
Comment by just call me Cassandra... — May 23, 2006 @ 11:36 pm
Suzy - I wanted to comment on something that you said about men being the only bearers of blessings. This is personal and I may be way off-base, but I want to share it anyway.
As I’ve said, I’m pregnant, and about two months ago, I started to bleed. I immediately went to my doctor, but because he was in with another patient, I had to wait a while to see him. I work in a health service; I know everyone in my doctor’s office; and they were good enough to show me into a little room so I could be alone. I was quite upset - I was sure I was either miscarrying or going into labor, and at 25 weeks, I knew her chance of survival was not good. As I sat in that office, quaking and trembling, I prayed. But more than that - I called upon the power of the priesthood to save this child. In that moment, I felt strongly that it was the only thing that could.
Now, I am sure that sounds odd and superstitious to you, since you don’t believe in God or the power of the priesthood - and I’m not trying to change your beliefs, I fully respect your atheism. But to me, with my beliefs, I needed the power of the priesthood, and there were no priesthood holders around who could give me or this child the blessings we needed. We are taught that women can have the blessings of the priesthood, regardless of their circumstances. So I tested that. I called upon the power of the priesthood.
Later on that day, I recieved a priesthood blessing from the Bishop. In his blessing he told me that my Heavenly Father loved me and was pleased with my faith in the priesthood. There was no rebuke - no indication that I had done the wrong thing. In fact, of all the priesthood blessings I have recieved, that one was the strongest, most powerful, most beautiful and loving blessing. The bleeding stopped; and apart from one much smaller incident a week later, it has not happened since. The pregnancy has continued normally.
The lesson I learned from this is that men may hold the priesthood, but they do not have a monopoly on its blessings. Blessings come from our Heavenly Father, who loves His sons and daughters equally, and will pour out His blessings equally on us all. There may be some who say I sinned in calling upon the power of the priesthood; there may be some who say it couldn’t have worked, because I don’t have the necessary authority. But our Heavenly Father is the ultimate source of priesthood authority - and I felt sure that He would not deny it to me in my hour of need, simply because of my gender.
Comment by Quimby — May 23, 2006 @ 11:59 pm
Suzy, congrats on your marriage and welcome to LDS society!
Re: One caveat: when they are “of age” (when exactly that is is yet to be determined) they’ll be free to choose to continue in the church or seek their own philosophy. He and I agree that religious observance isn’t worth much if it isn’t supported by faith.
This is solid-gold LDS doctrine.
Here’s an explanation that I hope you’ll wade through: we believe a war was fought in heaven between God and Satan specifically so that in our earthly lives, each of us would have what LDS call “free agency” to choose whether to follow God’s plan or not. Satan’s plan was to compel compliance and obedience. God gave us the freedom to choose and, knowing we’d frequently choose wrongly, gave us a way — repentance and Christ’s atonement — to choose to turn back to His path. One of the main purposes of this life is for us find the truth — one of the Holy Ghost’s main functions is to help us know what that is — and decide whether to follow it.
My parents are/were devout and devoted LDS so when, in my wonder years of adolescence, I started exploring other churches and philospohies, they offered no protest (but many prayers, I’m sure). In short, it would be counter to one of our core doctrines for us to coerce anyone, like you or your children, to accept this gospel. Our missionaries teach, invite each person to ask God (see note below) whether this true, and leave the answering between that person and God. We have a saying, “No one can live on borrowed light.” meaning each has to find out for themselves — we don’t force-lend the light!
I like our hymn #240, “Know This, That Every Soul Is Free.” The first two verses are:
1. Know this, that ev’ry soul is free
To choose his life and what he’ll be;
For this eternal truth is giv’n:
That God will force no [wo]man to heav’n.
2. He’ll call, persuade, direct aright,
And bless with wisdom, love, and light,
In nameless ways be good and kind,
But never force the human mind.
The LDS that understand our doctrine follow this pattern. So, welcome and take what you choose from our buffet!
(Note: if as an atheist you’re willing to give it a try, you may want to start with a prayer like one sincere-but-not-yet-believing person offered after hearing the gospel plan: “O God, Aaron hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee” (Alma 22:18 in The Book of Mormon)
Comment by manaen — May 24, 2006 @ 10:14 am
The Book of Mormon isn’t “mass paperback”????
Comment by donna carlson — May 24, 2006 @ 9:38 pm
Suzy — I keep hearing this interview with a guy on NPR who wrote a book. (No kidding). I don’t remember the guy or the book, but the premise was something about what makes us happy.
What struck me most was the conclusion that, when you are considering attempting a big change — a move to Tampa for a job, for example — the best way to know if you’ll be happy is to ask others who’ve actually moved to Tampa for a job. Imagining yourself there just isn’t going to be a good indicator. So, I think you’re really smart asking around.
Here’s my been there…my husband was raised Unitarian, but “snagged” by nice Mormons when he was stationed in the military. The association was not at all bad. In fact, it is due to him that I’ve been inquisitive and not just judgemental about the faith. The association didn’t really last, and he lapsed out of practice shortly after leaving the small town where he was baptized.
We were a very happy couple, not exactly religious, but very devout to a sense of spirit (we were hardly devout believers. we were more feelers. And we had more interesting things to do). I was busy on my path, he his, and boom, there was a baby coming (sort of a surprise).
Having a kid does change things. Suddenly we both wanted a handle, something to believe in.That’s when traditionalism on both of our sides reared. For me, it was Lutheran, for him, Mormon. I hated that he could go confer with Mormons, and have a whole united community — united, I felt, against me. Lutherans can’t hold a candle to mormons in that category.
I felt betrayed. Almost like adultery. Eventually things worked out, and I obviously don’t hate the mormons (here I am, chatting, lalala). But it was really, really, yucky for a while. Life-derailing, career-altering, mood-changing, body-fat increasing yucky.
And that was just with a Jack Mormon. You guys sound a lot more together, but I just felt like I had to share.
Comment by pele — May 25, 2006 @ 1:04 am
Cassandra, your comment makes several assumptions about Suzy’s situation that I’m not sure are warranted. I prefer pele’s approach of simply sharing examples from within personal experience and leaving the reader to apply it to their own situation.
Donna,
Ha, ha.
I invoke the demons of Tom Clancy and Michael Crichton upon thee.
Comment by Seth R. — May 25, 2006 @ 7:01 am
Seth R.
I was speaking from my own experiences being raised in a mixed faith home. All the things I talked about happened in my own home, and it affected me, the child, greatly. Thanks. In the future, I’ll try to keep my comments more in line with your preferences…
I think that pele was honest and is a bit more realistic than most of the sunshiney “everything will be great” assumtions the other commenters had. It might not be great, and in my own personal experience it wasn’t.
Sorry if my opinion wasn’t popular.
Suzy can do whatever she likes, I never said a she had to do otherwise, nor would I.
Comment by just call me Cassandra... — May 25, 2006 @ 4:18 pm
I like this idea of finding out about what is happening before you jump. I thought the author of “Secret Ceremonies” gives a candid view of what you would encounter if you take the oath.
Comment by renee — May 26, 2006 @ 4:23 pm
I married someone that does not believe in my faith. However, he needs to make that decision, and decide because of pressure from me or my family. I take my children through the religion classes and sometimes go to church. I just want my children to have a religious background, and then they can decide if they want to continue or try another denomination.
Comment by renee — May 26, 2006 @ 4:27 pm
Sorry, typo…and NOT decide because of pressure from me or my family
Comment by renee — May 26, 2006 @ 4:30 pm
Seth, you should read a book before you criticize, and start throwing around words. Those who have read it can see that it is backed by factual data. Hard to take factual data but it’s part of our history.
Comment by pete — May 29, 2006 @ 6:54 pm
I think you are all mental.
Comment by lindsey — June 1, 2006 @ 2:36 pm
I couldnt agree more with lindsey
Comment by Marie Renee Fontaine — June 5, 2006 @ 5:45 pm
I don’t know if it’s too late for you to read this… but–
I think you shouldn’t marry this guy.
You’ll save both of you a lot of hardship and hurt feelings in the future (take your pain now, it will be less)
Being married to a “non-member” in this church is a hardship. People can give you examples of when it worked, but it’s hard!
In the LDS church, you see more women married to nonmember men, but when a non moromon woman marries a LDS man, it is even more difficult.
The major reason: the church requires a huge comittment, in time, money, and mental effort (spirituality).
As ideal as a weekly 3 hour break sound, that is only the beginning. Your husband could receive a church calling that requires anywhere from 2 - 25 hours a week! You may start to resent the time he spends away EVERY tueday night, on Saturdays setting up for activities, hauling the scouts around, etc. Many male members use their work vacation for scout camp this can cause hard feeling for LDS woman, but they grew up experiencing it and have made similar covenants…
As your kids age, they’ll have a lot of church activities and responsibilities too.
The harsh reality, is that you will feel let out or he’ll feel resented or he’ll have to choose between you and the church and perhaps become inactive.
It sounds like I’m “mean..” Just wanted to let you know of the down-side
Comment by Kate — June 9, 2006 @ 7:40 pm
Is it just me, or has Larry King had like 5 heart attacks and 5 divorces. I guess that’d be a broken heart for each.
Comment by The Advanced Soul — October 21, 2006 @ 8:56 am
Regarding circumcision and the church…
Comment by Courtney — June 26, 2007 @ 11:21 am
Oops, I forgot to put the link in,,, Since the church has taken no real stance on the issue, I found this info helpful in making a decision for my son. The website link is in my name below
Comment by Courtney — June 26, 2007 @ 11:24 am
Suzy,
I actually don’t have any advice at all to give you but ask some advice from you. I am 28 and 100% in love with an athiest. A true blue, has a stronger belief in there being no god then I do in a god. We are great together, she and I both know it. I would never ask her to change, I understand that her being an athiest is part of who she is and is part of why I love her, and I know she loves me, but she is convinced that it can’t work she is scared that if we see where this goes, in 7 months she still will have a problem with me believing in god and we will break up and then just seeing each other will be unbearable. She wants me in her life and this is the only way she can logically think we can stay in each others life. She can’t understand how I believe in all this “hokus pokus” as she would say. Can you help me? She keeps asking me if I know anyone in our situation were it has worked without someone changing. Is there something you could say to her?
Comment by Dash — August 8, 2007 @ 1:34 pm
do you want to have kids? if you do it probably would be extremely difficult….if you don’t, maybe. (just guessing.) hopefully someone else has something helpful to say.
good luck
Comment by Jeannine — August 8, 2007 @ 2:03 pm
Here’s the thing, Dash. If your girlfriend can respect a belief in God, then you probably have a decent chance. But if she can’t respect that, then it’s a problem; it usually means that somewhere in there, she thinks you’re stupid and gullible. That can get covered up by the attraction and love stuff, but eventually it comes out. And it’s a rotten foundation to build a marriage on.
I’ve known of happy relationships between theists and atheists, but they are all founded upon mutual respect. Even so, there is nearly always an element of wistfulness, a wish that more could be shared.
Comment by dangermom — August 8, 2007 @ 4:22 pm
Thanks for your comments. I won’t really be needing anymore. If there is one thing my friend and I do well it’s talk. We have come to a resolution, though it wasn’t my happy ending it is what it is. Thanks again.
Comment by Dash — August 10, 2007 @ 6:20 pm