Natural Birth Series: Blessingway
A small group of women sits in a circle in someone’s living room. The lights are low. One of the women lights a candle and says, “I am Heather, daughter of Veronica, granddaughter of Ruby and Myrtle, and today I am here to honor Suzanne. Suzanne, may the birth of your child be the first of many joyous days you have with your new baby. May she grow up strong and self-assured, knowing how lucky she is to have a mother like you.”
Heather then leans her candle to the one of the woman sitting next to her, lights it, and that woman says, “I am Janice, daughter of Ellen, granddaughter of Sarah and Irene. Suzanne, the greatest gift I can wish for you is that your child bring you as much joy as my daughter brought, and continues to bring, me. All the best to you both.”
The pattern continues around the circle until it reaches the last woman, who says, “I am Suzanne, daughter of Myra, granddaughter of Hazel and Grace, and soon-to-be mother of this child (indicates her very round belly). I welcome your blessings and good wishes and thank you for your love and support.”
A blessingway is a sort of “Mother Shower” or “Mother Blessing” given to a woman who is soon to give birth, usually hosted and attended by a small group of women close to the mother-to-be, to honor her passage into motherhood, whether her first child or her last. It is mother-centric and is intended to weave and strengthen a support network for the woman. Often she will be given blessings or good wishes for how the labor will go, the health of both mother and child, and reaffirming her inner strength, skill, and intuition to be a role model and caretaker of the child. “Rituals” could include: making a labor necklace for the mother with unique beads from each of the attendees, using a ball of string to connect all the women there and then make bracelets from to remember the mother while she is in labor, giving candles as party favors for guests to light while the mother is in labor (get a long lasting one!), smudging, belly casting, belly-art, foot washing, hair brushing, hair braiding, etc. One suggestion I really like is having a potluck where everyone brings one of the mother’s favorite foods. Or a version of her absolute favorite food (like chocolate, for example….).
In fact, blessingways don’t even have to be done just for mothers-to-be. According to About.com, the roots of the blessingway come from the Navajos and it can be used by anyone, expecting a baby, adopting a baby, or just in need of a celebration of life in general. Any life transition or celebration will work. And it needn’t include only women.
I love this idea. I think it’s a wonderful way to network and empower women, building bonds of friendship and sisterhood, and honor both motherhood, however you define or practice it, and mothers. And with some of the talk around the ‘nacle lately of women’s relationship to the priesthood, women blessing others, and women having or asserting their own voice and autonomy, I’m wondering if the blessingway is a tradition whose time has come for LDS women.
The thing is, is that it accomplishes much of what we as women (feminist women, particularly) seek for ourselves and each other without really threatening the existing power structure. We’re not claiming to have or use the priesthood per se, but we can still bless and honor each other in a semi-ritual way, and I feel more and more that that’s something we need, something we crave, something that isn’t entirely fulfilled by our current practice of Relief Society, etc. (My guess is that in our striving to achieve unity, sustain the priesthood, and bring about Zion, we spend too much time making women a collective support for each other and the men and not enough time honoring and networking our individuality.) And as a blessingway is a very adaptable sort of thing (just like baby showers!), we can put our own, unique LDS spin on it or embrace some other traditions that don’t have a place in traditional LDS (Utah?) culture.
Like I say, I would love to see this tradition take off among women, whether LDS or of other faiths, and I would love to hear what you think of this idea. I’m including a few links that go into some more detail about the Blessingway and lots of great ideas:
- The Birthsource: Blessingway
- Mothering.com: Beads & Blessings
- Blessingways: A Guide to Mother-Centered Baby Showers, by Shari Maser
- The Canadian Women’s Health Network: The Blessingway: An Alternative Baby Shower
- About.com: The Mother Blessing: A Baby Shower Alternative
Peace be upon you, my sisters.
This is a wonderful idea! Too bad nobody in my ward is pregnant just now or I’d definitely try to set one up.
Comment by Proud Daughter of Eve — July 8, 2006 @ 4:25 pm
I don’t need a ritual to be initiated into some great bond of motherhood. Not only do I think it’s unnecessary, I think it’s exclusionary to those women who are not mothers. My own baby is five days late now; but throughout this pregnancy, as much as I want this child and love this child and can’t wait to meet her (please let it be soon!) I’ve felt damned guilty about being blessed with her when there are so many other, more righteous women out there who can’t have children. I struggled with my own infertility for several years – we didn’t think we’d be able to have children; I’d made my peace with never being a mother; I was really okay with it – and then this happened. And it’s a wonderful, beautiful thing, but there are others out there who are much more deserving, who want it so much more than me, who will be better mothers than me. I would not want to participate in any ritual or ceremony that would remind them of their pain and loss.
Comment by Quimby — July 8, 2006 @ 7:10 pm
Artemis–Simply beautiful.
Thank you so much. I went to a workshop once and we learned that to heal ourselves we must honor and heal our female ancestors. The first exercise was to say “I am Trish-daughter of Helen, daughter of Lorene, daughter of Bertha, daughter of Rachel…..” reciting all the women as far back as we knew their names. I wasn’t really into it until it was my turn and I felt the power of my female ancestors. I have never forgotten the power of that experience.
What a beautiful way to welcome a new family member.
trish
Comment by trish — July 8, 2006 @ 10:05 pm
Beautiful post! I think in general just recognizing the women in our family is empowering, because for so much of history women are just a footnote (including church histories of the Presidents, unfortunately
I wish you the best of luck with catering this to your own faith!
Comment by sophia*rising — July 8, 2006 @ 10:12 pm
Quimby-
Your comments about not being deserving, and other “more righteous” women not being pregnant, and how guilty you feel. It seems as though you may have a subconscious thought that righteousness should be tied to motherhood- but as you said, if it were, think of all the wonderful women (like yourself) who would never have problems with fertility- and likewise all of the other horrible abusive mothers who would never have children. I think that most people coming to the blessingway would understand it’s purpose, and come understanding what they were doing- besides, where does the guilt stop, you know? Should we not celebrate weddings, because of singles, or celebrate any other life changing event because others don’t have it? I imagine it must be unbelievably (and maybe impossibly so for a long time) hard to not feel guilty, because you were those other women, and thought you always would be, but now you aren’t. But please try and feel deserving. This baby’s spirit was well aware of where it was going I am sure 
Good luck with getting her to come out healthy soon.
It sounds like you’ve made your peace with never being a mother, but maybe now you need to make your peace with being one
Comment by sophia*rising — July 8, 2006 @ 10:23 pm
Some friends did this for me on a birthday a few years ago, and it was the best birthday I ever had.
Comment by tracy m — July 9, 2006 @ 12:55 am
I love the idea of others burning candles for the mother-to-be in labor, and what a nice bonding experience. Thank you for your research, Artemis.
Quimby, blessings for a quick and safe birthing! I think it is a difficult place to become mothers after waiting a long time. We remember how bad that longing feels and I feel almost like I abandoned my friends who must continue to struggle. But, I’d hate for that to be a reason not to have a bonding ritual, especially since I don’t see any reason why the group has to be exclusively mothers. Thinking back to my years of infertility, I would hate to think that someone would have left me out of something like this because either I wasn’t a mother or they didn’t want to make me feel bad.
Comment by EmilyCC — July 9, 2006 @ 3:28 pm
Actually, Sophia, I don’t like weddings, either. My husband and I eloped – no engagement party, no shower, no reception – because neither one of us saw the point in having a day that was all about us. (And if I wasn’t a member of the church, I doubt we would’ve gotten married at all. We both feel there is something morally questionable about participating in a ceremony that gives us rights and protections that are denied to our same-sex friends and family members, simply because they have matching genitalia.) I think that’s the primary reason I don’t like this idea, either. I have no desire or need to be the centre of attention, to have a “princess moment”, or to celebrate something that has so little to do with a unique accomplishment on my part. If anything it would make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I am just having a child – granted, I’m not looking forward to labor, but it is nothing more than billions of women have done before me (most of them in far more challenging circumstances) – it certainly doesn’t set me apart as someone special or unique.
When our child is (finally) born, my husband and I will both be there to welcome her to the world. That is all the ceremony we need: a healthy mom and a healthy baby.
Quite often, people will ask us what we need or want for the baby. We have been so richly blessed already – we are not rich, but we will be able to provide for this child on a level almost unprecedented throughout history or indeed throughout the world today. Put simply, we do not need anything. And so I ask instead that they spend the money on their own loved ones, or give a donation to their favorite charity. My child will use far more than her share of the world’s resources. I would like to think we can counter that somewhat by encouraging those we love, and those who love us, to donate to the world’s poor, disadvantaged, and discriminated against. We live in a world where 30,000 children die needlessly every day of easily-preventable causes like malnutrition and disease caused by unclean drinking water. Surely each one of those children is as precious, valuable, and loved as my own. As a mother-to-be, my clearest imperative should be to help them, rather than to celebrate my own prosperity and good fortune.
Comment by Quimby — July 9, 2006 @ 5:00 pm
As long as none of the participants are being encouraged to think that they are somehow creating a “new religious ordinance,” I don’t see much harm in it.
Comment by Seth R. — July 9, 2006 @ 6:33 pm
I have to confess that I’m with Quimby on this, although possibly for different reasons. I haven’t been able to have children, but for a variety of reasons, these kinds of women’s rituals just don’t appeal to me, and I doubt that being pregnant would change that (although of course one never knows how life events will change one’s perspective :>). I would not have wanted this kind of ritual before my wedding, for example–it was all I could do to drag myself to my own wedding showers, and I would have disliked them much more if some sort of ritual element had been included. (Of course I was grateful to everyone who came and gave me gifts, and I didn’t want to be ungracious in the least; I just really hate being the center of attention).
I’m not entirely sure why I don’t feel comfortable with this idea or crave women’s ritual in my life, but it’s not a lack I feel at all. I have to confess I’m also uncomfortable with certain white cultural tendencies to borrow and transform rituals from other cultures, almost always those perceived as more primitive, closer to the earth, and therefore more authentic, in the best Rousseauan noble savage tradition. But I also have to admit that cultural borrowing isn’t automatically illegitimate; it certainly has always occurred.
I think if I received an invitation to such an event I’d pass, but I’d be very happy to take the honored guest out to eat at another time or send her a personal letter with my best wishes. So in that spirit, Artemis, best wishes for a safe, healthy birth and a lifetime of wonderful experiences with your child.
Comment by Eve — July 9, 2006 @ 9:39 pm
I can’t say I feel a need for this sort of sisterhood ritual, but if it makes you happy then go ahead.
Comment by dangermom — July 9, 2006 @ 11:08 pm
Quimby-
I told someone that when I have kids I wanted to have volunteer themed birthday parties, and do things like Heifer International or donation gifts for Christmas, and they looked at me with horror, and acted like I was a potential child abuser in the making. I do completely agree with your concerns about all the other children in this world whose arrival and early death pass by unremarked, and I’m glad you are taking action to help where you can.
Ditto on the feelings about the inequality of marriage laws. I too would prefer to not be married until all couples can, but I also have religious reasons for marrying.
And I hope I didn’t come off as out of line up there
Comment by sophia*rising — July 10, 2006 @ 2:36 am
I don’t know any women in real life who would be comfortable participating in something like this. I’d have to have a virtual blessingway on the Internet, or none at all.
I think a blessingway would be a good idea. I’m expecting my first baby in early Sept, and we just finished the childbirth classes. I cried for hours. The indignity and humiliation that goes along with childbirth has me horrified - I don’t care how “empowering” it is to give birth, having everyone so interested in That Area of Your Body and touching and looking and everything else has blown away any composure I might have had. A blessingway would be a beautiful ritual to help restore some dignity and power to an event that, right now, seems to be all about nakedness, pain and vulnerability.
But I’m weird that way. I think I absorbed all the Church’s talk about ’sacred motherhood’ too well. My first pap smear (in my late 20s - I avoided any medical attention to “female issues” as long as I could) nearly caused a breakdown too. Men ought to shut up about the sacredness of motherhood and womanhood and let women talk about the pain, indignity and humiliation that goes along with ‘pelvic exams’, menstrual cycles, and childbirth.
Instead, to listen to the priesthood talk about motherhood, you’d think motherhood is as “white shirt” dignified as performing a priesthood ordinance and it’s NOT. It’s going to hurt and it means I have to be naked in front of people besides my husband. I really could use a blessingway.
Comment by Melinda — July 10, 2006 @ 12:20 pm
We hosted a blessingway in our house once.
Comment by Kim Siever — July 10, 2006 @ 12:49 pm
Oh, Melinda (#13), I do hope you come to feel better about the experience of childbirth. Maybe if you talk to some of the many women who choose to have some form of pain relief, it may help. Two of my relatives have given birth in the last four days; one had an epidural, and the other a C-section, and thus neither had much pain during the actual birth process. I think that I was able to feel fine about pelvic exams, etc. prior to and during my six pregnancies once I deliberately decided to think of my body very clinically and scientifically at those exam times–sort of like an instrument that needed to be inspected in order to best help create my baby’s body.
I’m with Eve (#10) in not longing for female rituals, and in feeling very uneasy about the type of ceremony described in this post. I also agree with Eve that, “I’m also uncomfortable with certain white cultural tendencies to borrow and transform rituals from other cultures, almost always those perceived as more primitive, closer to the earth, and therefore more authentic, in the best Rousseauan noble savage tradition.”
The very thought of any sort of public “smudging, belly casting, belly-art, foot washing, hair brushing, hair braiding,” with a group of women gives me pause, and seems a bit too “new age” for me. In terms of ceremony, a simple blessing from my husband was all I wanted or needed prior to giving birth.
But we all have different preferences and different needs, and I wish you all the best, Artemis!
Comment by RoAnn — July 10, 2006 @ 1:41 pm
I think I would like a ceremony like this. Initially, I’d probably have some of the squimish borrowing-culture feelings that Eve mentions, I do think those are worth listening to.
But for me, I think that when our culture is so sadly lacking in female-centric rituals, I could get into the idea of being proactive in changing this. And I think I’d really enjoy the feeling of sister power such an activity woud create.
Comment by fMhLisa — July 10, 2006 @ 2:17 pm
Eve in #10 said exactly what I was thinking but couldn’t figure out how to articulate.
Comment by Julie M. Smith — July 10, 2006 @ 2:26 pm
As a post-script, while my friends did this ritual for me, it was long before I joined the church and had the gospel in my life. I think these days, I would not get out of it what I did then- and I feel somewhat like Eve #10 expressed.
Comment by tracy m — July 10, 2006 @ 2:49 pm
Well, I guess it does come off a little new-agey. I didn’t mean for it to–some of the links explicitly talk about how different people have been uncomfortable with the new-agey aspects and how the party was set up to what they wanted. Really, it was the basic concept I liked–a mother-focused party that strengthens the bonds between a group of women. Personally, I wouldn’t do the belly casting thing or the hair brushing thing (not because I don’t like people touching my hair, but because it’s curly and looks terrible when it’s brushed) or other stuff. But I liked the candles, the connected-bracelets, and the array of mom’s favorite food. Really, whatever works for you. And if it doesn’t, ah well. It was an idea.
Melinda, I wish I could give you a great big hug. ((hugs!!)) Personally, I’d recommend almost the opposite of what RoAnn did (nothing personal!)–by all means, get the drugs if that’s what helps you through the pain, but I suspect that the less clinical the environment, the better you’ll feel. If you can find a good midwife who follows the midwifery model, I think you’ll find that you can minimize the feelings of humilation and vulnerability. You can keep the lights low if you want, avoid the vaginal exams, dictate just who will be in the room with you (and therefore checking out “That Area of Your Body”), feel like you have more say about what happens (and how), and have people who see what you’re doing as a manifestation of strength and empowerment, even while they validate your pain and vulnerability. I know that’s how my midwife has helped me feel.
I heard a story of how one woman “claimed” her labor pains and said that once she realized that immense power was coming from herself, her body, she was at much more peace with the process, and found it empowering, despite the pain and icky stuff.
Find what works for you.
Comment by Artemis — July 10, 2006 @ 4:29 pm
“a mother-focused party that strengthens the bonds between a group of women”
I thought that is what baby showers were for.
Comment by Julie M. Smith — July 10, 2006 @ 6:28 pm
Ahem… that’s a baby-focused party…. This one’s for pampering/celebrating/honoring the mom.
Comment by Artemis — July 10, 2006 @ 8:14 pm
Really? Maybe I’ve just gone to the wrong ones (i.e., usually ones held while the mother is pregnant), but even though the gifts have been for the baby, the focus of attention (pampering, celebrating, honoring) has been on the mother–and your goal of strengthening bonds has surely been met.
Comment by Julie M. Smith — July 10, 2006 @ 8:26 pm
I think I would love a Blessingway when I am pregnant. I am so excited, yet so terrified to one day give birth, that would really empower me. I do feel the need to that “female connection” maybe because I grew up with three sisters who are my best friends? (and one brother who I love just as well.) Though, since my sisters are my best and only friends, it would all end up sounding the same “daughter of Karen, grand-daughter of Maurine and Jo Anne”
Plus, baby showers are for everyone– aunts, cousins, random relatives and friends– none with whom I would feel very comfortable having such an intimate experience as a blessingway. While a shower may pamper, celebrate, etc. the mother and baby, I don’t know that it is meant to empower, bless, and inspire the mother. Well, I’ve not been to such a baby shower.
While I understand the debate for renouncing the lavish expense of weddings, etc. I felt my wedding was so profound that we were celebrating the eternal nature of our relationship. I loved that in America, where we don’t do ritualistic things, I got to participate in such an exciting, ritualistic event! White dress, bouquet, cake, etc. Granted I never had a bridal shower where I had to wear a bow hat on my head…
Comment by cmac — July 11, 2006 @ 3:58 pm
Melinda, if it helps any, remember that these people do this for a living. Your body is not sexual to them the way it is to you and to your husband. It’s just clinical. Doctors and nurses are far less squeamish about bodies and bodily fluids than non-medical people. I work with nurses; you should hear the lunchtime conversation! On second thought, maybe you shouldn’t. It can be a struggle just to keep the food down when talk turns to catheters and changing adult diapers . . .
Have a good think about what you want out of the experience – about what is important to you. Most hospitals and/or birthing centres will respect your wishes if, for instance, you want a female attending you and not a male. Personally, I prefer female midwives and doctors for things like internal exams, because I figure, they’ve got the same body parts and they know what it’s like. Having said that, you’ll find that the vast majority of male nurses and doctors are highly respectful and empathetic to the pain, so if you have a male OBGYN or midwife that you feel comfortable with, by all means use him. You won’t be able to completely avoid people looking “down there” – after all, they need to be down there to do their job – but you’ll probably find that most hospitals and birthing centres are respectful of your wishes to have as few people down there as possible.
I can see the strength of the argument for getting yourself knocked out, and the strength of the argument for “owning” your labor pains. You’ve just got to decide which works best for you. What really helps me is remembering that billions of women have been through it before, and most of them haven’t had the advantages we have today. Think of what our mothers had to go through – stirrup births, being shaved, very few female doctors, a medical climate that was much more concerned about what was easiest for the medical personnel instead of what was best for the client. Think of what our great-grandmothers had to go through – inadequate prenatal care, less-than-sterile conditions, attendants with little to no medical training. But they did it! If they could do it, we can too.
Childbirth won’t be a pleasant experience. It’s called “labor” for a reason. But it’s the same for all mammals. Some fundamentalist Christians will try to tell you that only humans feel pain during childbirth, as a result of Eve’s eating the apple. Boloney. Anyone who has ever been around a mammal giving birth will tell you they feel pain. My husband grew up on a dairy farm; he’s helped a lot of cows give birth; it’s not easy for them. It’s hard work and it’s dirty work. (I think this is why, if I gave him a choice, he wouldn’t be in the delivery room with me. He knows what it’s like!) But keep your eyes focused on that baby – as my mother-in-law said to be yesterday, “Each pain is one step closer to having your baby.” Each intrusion, each discomfort, is one step closer to having that baby. Focus on the end result; work out what will work best for you during the labor process (but keep in mind that you may or may not get it your way – each labor is different, and circumstances may be such that your birth plan can’t be safely or practically followed); remember you are not alone; and remember that, to the people in that room, your body isn’t sexy, it just is.
Comment by Quimby — July 12, 2006 @ 6:48 pm
Yeah, it did seem pretty New-Agey. Like something those women who go on group retreats to central Colorado to “run naked with the wolves” would do. Maybe followed by a seance and a recital of “The Vagina Monologues.”
But what do I know? It’s your life. Terry Tempest Williams would probably support you.
Comment by Seth R. — July 13, 2006 @ 11:33 am
If that’s the feeling you got, Seth, then you totally mis-read both my meaning and the general sense of the idea. “A little new-agey” is not the same as running naked with wolves or having seances. Geesh.
I’m starting to wonder, why are we so resistant to a little ritual in our lives? Maybe we need to differentiate from Ritual (capital R) and ritual (little r). I’m not saying we need to be superstitious or mystics or anything like that, just that a little ritual and something beyond a few ubiquitous traditions might be kinda nice. That learning new ways to build community and honor each other could be beneficial and enrich our lives. The fact that an idea like a blessingway brings up pseudo-religious or occult connotations to people seems very much an overreaction, one that must be prompted, at least in part, by something else.
Comment by Artemis — July 13, 2006 @ 11:59 am
And anyhow, there’s something to be said for occasionally running around naked
Comment by Janet — July 13, 2006 @ 2:58 pm
Artemis, it’s not so much that I am resistant to ritual (or Ritual), I just don’t see the need for it. If you want one, have one; great. But if someone were to set up a Blessingway for me, I’d want to run from the room. I’d probably try to be polite and grit my teeth through it, but I’d feel uncomfortable and out of place and frankly, I’d be thinking, “What sort of weird-ass idea is this?”
I think a part of it harks back to what Eve said, about white people co-opting indigenous traditions. We don’t (and can’t) understand the reasoning behind something like a Blessingway in Najavo culture. The best we can do is filter that reasoning through our Western experience, but we lack an understanding of Najavo culture, and so of course we won’t understand the ritual itself. Then, too, I am very suspicious of any thinking that suggests that indigenous is somehow more valid than non-indigenous. Colonialism is one of the world’s great evil; but not everything in every indigenous culture is good.
A lot of it is also just my natural reluctance to be the centre of attention. I didn’t have a bridal shower; I didn’t have a baby shower; I’m not going to be one of those people who rent out a restaurant for baby’s first birthday. (Yes, I know people like that.) Maybe it’s a sign of low self-esteem, but my feeling is, They really don’t care, they’re just going to be polite. At least I know that’s how I feel when I get invited to a shower or a reception or a kid’s first birthday party – I really don’t care, I’m just going to be polite. Why play the game? Don’t we all have more valuable things to do with our time than to go to some party for some daughter-of-a-friend-of-a-coworker? Yes, I’m a bitch; I’ll gladly admit it; and I think at nearly 42 weeks into pregnancy I’m entitled to a bit of bitchiness. But I can count on two hands the number of people whose weddings, receptions, or showers I’d actually want to go to.
It is important to me to feel a link to my ancestors, particularly since my family is half a world away. Perhaps I am fortunate in that I can do this through their artifacts – patchwork quilts, linens, old photographs, old plates, things that are worthless in a monetary sense but provide a daily reminder of who and where I’m from. This is the only link I need. Perhaps I have ritualised these artifacts; I know my husband likes to joke that I’d frame my grandma’s underwear if I had them. Perhaps this is my form of ritual, to surround myself with memories of generations that have gone on before.
For what it’s worth, I’m a fan of The Vagina Monologues, and I like running around naked outside, especially during rainstorms, so long as nobody can see me. I’m all in favor of claiming my body and being proud of it, stretchmarks and all (although I’ll be a lot more proud of it once the stretchmarks start to fade). I even want to try natural child-birth, although a part of me thinks I’m stupid for wanting to do so; after all, as a friend of mine says, nobody goes to the dentist for a root canal and says, “No, skip the painkillers, I want to see if I can manage without them.” But, to me, a Blessingway is too fluffy. I’d rather just get on with the business of birth.
Comment by Quimby — July 13, 2006 @ 6:48 pm
Janet, now we’re talking! A little crazed skinny dipping deep in the wilderness and raucous laughter around a campfire far into the night–now that’s my kind of female bonding.
Poker is good, too. My sisters love playing with me because I have the opposite of a poker face and can’t ever remember what beats what.
:>
Comment by Eve — July 13, 2006 @ 9:16 pm
Quimby, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean my remark to be directed at you. Mostly Seth’s comment just got under my skin. Really, I understand that people have different reactions to this sort of thing and I respect that. Personally, the very thought of scrapbooking makes my skin crawl, but I know many, many women get a lot of fulfillment from it and, if last week’s RS lesson is any clue, a way they record their family history and/or personal journal. Though I’m not sure I agree with the bit about this (blessingway idea) being an example of white people co-opting indigenous traditions–it’s definitely not that way for me. I just see so little traditional, ritual anything in our society (American) that focuses on women themselves, rather than their relationship or role to somebody or something else, and I would like to incorporate more of that into my life. As a feminist, I see it filling as yet generally un-met needs. But if you or others are filling those needs (or don’t have those needs) in other ways, more power to you!
I’ve always been a bit of a multi-culturalist, but it’s not motivated by some search for the ‘noble savage’ or whatever–rather, I find that a lot of traditions or symbolism or rituals from other, I’d say more culturally rich people appeal to me. I wear my Chinese zodiac symbol often, I want to get a tartan of my great-great-great grandmother’s clan, I love the French way of eating, and Egyptian & Norse mythologies are fascinating to me (but on a dilletante level–I’m no expert). It helps me find more richness in my life than what our corporate chain-store mass-media American culture seems to offer.
And for the record, I’m all about skinny dipping, gallivanting around naked (usually in my own house) and other, more raucous forms of female bonding. Just not with wolves around, heh, heh…
Comment by Artemis — July 13, 2006 @ 9:53 pm
Artemis, I’m with you 100% on the scrapbooking. (Who knew something could make me long for the good ol’ days of crafts? At least those had discrete beginnings and endings. The scrapbooking demon is insatiable because it’s constantly being outstripped by, um, life. Only she who tastefully arranges photos of herself in her own coffin on two-toned paper with perfectly scalloped edges, surrounded by carefully selected funeral memorabilia, can be said to have finished.)
Yes, I am evil. But I have found that corporate chain-store culture can be purified if you run naked with the wolves through the mall at midnight under a full moon. Not risk-free, granted, but you should _see_ the shopping that ensues!
;>
Comment by Eve — July 13, 2006 @ 10:22 pm
Oh, goodie! We need to have a nice FMH retreat down to a secluded slot canyon where we can skinny-dip and revel in our fleshy glory like one of Rubin’s nudes. And hey, let’s invite Terry Tempest Williams and play river-side poker!!!!
Artemis, I’ve been thinking about your post for a while now. I like the idea in general, and I’d feel comfortable at such a function even though I am a bit wary of co-opting traditions from other cultures (exactly because I like to do it, you see). My only reservation would lie with the fact that many of the women I most value would *not* feel comfortable, and would thus probably be incapable of truly offering the connection and sustenance I’d seek if I were in your position. My mom, for instance, would freak. So how do you include all the women who form your sense of sisterhood without rendering some of them highly uncomfortable? Or do you just include those who will enjoy the experience, inevitably hurting the very women you left out to avoid making uncomfortable? That would be my bind, anyhow.
I like your questiions regarding our reticence toward ritual. We should do a seperate post on that!
And as for scrapbooking? We had to scrapbook a photo collage for our adoption collage. Despite way too much school and having faced down a powerful person or two, the freakin’ scrapbooking store intimidated me so much i turned into a blubbering fool. EEEEEEEKKKKK!!!!!
Comment by Janet — July 14, 2006 @ 12:51 am
Artemis, likewise, I’m sorry if I came off too strongly against it. Can I blame hormones? Oy, three pregnant women (that we know of!) on one board, we’re in trouble now! You’re right that there isn’t a lot of ritualised behavior in Western society. But then, I wonder if rituals can be recognised more easily from the outside looking in? And what is the difference between a ritual and a tradition? For instance, in our house, we have the habit of going to the Boxing Day cricket match every year. I suppose it’s more a tradition than a ritual, but there are certain routines that might seem ritualistic to outsiders – we sit in the Southern Stand; we boo the Member’s Stand when they don’t do the wave; we sing the same chants; we anxiously look forward to the Streaker and boo and hiss at the police as he’s led off . . .
I hate to admit it, but I’m one of those women who actually scrapbooks. My baby already has a dozen pages in her album. It’s a sickness, I know. Next time you and Eve organise a trip running naked with the wolves through the mall under a full moon, please invite me along – it may just be the cure I’m looking for.
Comment by Quimby — July 14, 2006 @ 1:26 am
I suppose my main problem with an event like this is that I’m sick of people celebrating my fertility. For example: I graduated with a Master’s degree in May. I went to visit my parents the next weekend. Everyone congratulated me on being pregnant. I felt like getting my degree was a much more difficult accomplishment (for me- and I’m not trying to be insensitive to those with fertility issues, I know many who struggle). I really wanted nothing more than recognition for the two years of my life that I just lost rather than my somewhat accidentally protruding belly. Perhaps I’m just selfish. Perhaps my opinion on the matter will change once peanut is born.
I live several hundred miles from both my family and my in-laws by choice. I have a fiercely independent streak and don’t feel a close connect with my ancestors, which sometimes inculdes my own parents. I’m hoping to get bitten by the geneology bug at some point in my life, but I’m doubting a blessingway would help me connect with said ancestors.
Also, I know it stated that blessingways need not be limited to women only, but I feel a disconnect from it because I’m having a boy. I know that, should he choose, he will be able to participate in rituals/blessings/etc. that I’ll be excluded from in my lifetime. But I don’t want to start his life with something that could theoretically exclude him unless in utero. I have a hard time with exclusionary organizations, which often includes the church and that requires creativity and work. Besides, hairbrushing/braiding would never work for me. I have a fauxhawk. And what would you do with a bellycast?
All of that being said, if it’s your thing, go for it. A couple of the girls from church are throwing me a shower, which is more than I ever expected since I’ve always had a harder time developing close bonds with women from church (perhaps due to my brash, somewhat confrontational nature?) However we choose to celebrate our impending children, each one is unique and special.
Comment by VirtualM — July 14, 2006 @ 8:27 am
Quimby, you’re in! No naked run with the wolves would be complete with out you. And then you can show me how you scrapbook and make me eat my hasty, ungracious words. ;> (Sorry about that–I AM trying to cut down on putting my foot in my mouth, but sometimes you wouldn’t know it.)
Comment by Eve — July 14, 2006 @ 10:21 am
VirtualM, maybe you could have a blessingway celebrating your passage in MastersDegreeHood, hmmm? And do a cast of your most onerous textbooks, topped by your thesis?
Interesting thoughts. I hadn’t really considered the possible exclusionary tradeoff–maybe, theoretically, one could dictate that LDS blessingways only invite males under 12 years old. Young women turning 12 would have a blessingway ceremony to welcome her into the circle of adult women and could then actively participate in subsequent blessingways. If we’re offering a female equivalent of male priesthood rites of passage, that is. However, your point about not wanting to be either exclusionary or excluded is well taken–I totally agree.
What can you do with a bellycast? Well, I saw a picture that showed the fathers-to-be wearing the bellycasts of their wives, so to connect and sympathize (I think)? They’d really have to weight them down and re-size them for non-pregnant body mass, though…. I’ve also heard of people using them as art–a sort of sculpture, decorated or not.
Quimby, we could probably blame hormones. It is rather funny that we have a glut of pregnant women on the blog right now.
However, (warning–total threadjack here) one of my pregnancy rules has been to not blame anything on my hormones or pregnant status, besides waddling and stuff. There’ve been a couple of times in my life when I’ve heard men (including men in my family) invoke female hormones as a way of explaining a woman’s “unreasonable” actions/words/whatever in a given situation, when there was no (physical or hormonal) reason to do so–it was just an excuse to not see the other person’s point of view and/or work through the disagreement. “Lactating” was the epithet that galled me the most. It seemed like a version of the “hysterical” term–hyster referring to the uterus, therefore denoting that the state of being unreasonable, overly emotional, and/or hysterical is a feminine trait. And I find that to be very misogynistic. I know women are not unaffected by pregancy and breastfeeding hormones, some to greater degrees than others, but I don’t see it as being outside the spectrum of normal human experience and I don’t think it should be an excuse to alienate or invalidate the feelings of the person so affected. Men’s hormones affect them in odd ways too, just different ways.
Comment by Artemis — July 14, 2006 @ 10:26 am
Artemis,
Chalk it up to guy insensitivity. Sometimes we simply can’t resist the urge to mercilessly tease our sensitive female friends.
Comment by Seth R. — July 14, 2006 @ 10:56 am
I don’t blame things on the pregnancy - I blame it on my poor husband.
He’s been a good sport. Of course, I do blame the extra chocolate and excessive amounts of cheese on the pregnancy. Might as well take advantage of it in some way.
It’s not the waddling that gets me…it’s the feet swollen at least two sizes in width. Kinda limits a shoe lover to flip flops, which is cruel.
Comment by VirtualM — July 14, 2006 @ 9:10 pm
VirtualM, I’m right there with you on the “congratulations” thing. Congratulations for what? Having sex? Actually I started to say that to people when they told me “congratulations” – I’d reply, “Yep, I got laid.” It was especially effective around the, er, blue-rinse set at church.
Eve, there is certainly no need to apologize for the scrapbooking comment. I thought the bit about scrapping your own funeral was hilarious, actually. People can get a bit carried away . . . Myself included, I suppose, since I’ve already done a dozen pages for a child that hasn’t even been born yet. (But that sort of explains why I’ve done a dozen pages – it’s a way of passing the time until she decides to make an appearance.)
Artemis, under normal circumstances, I’d agree with you 100% on blaming hormones. My pet peeve is when a guy says, “It must be that time of the month” chuckle chuckle. But I know I’ve been acting irrationally lately. The longer this pregnancy drags on, the more irrational I’m becoming. Today, for instance, I broke down in tears in public upon hearing that a good friend of mine had her baby yesterday. They weren’t tears of happiness. I was mad. I’ll take any excuse I can right now for my behavior. If the hormone fits . . .
Comment by Quimby — July 15, 2006 @ 12:52 am
The thing guys don’t realize is -
“That time of month” simply means that now the wife is ticked-off enough to actually say what she’s been thinking the entire time, but was too nice to vocalize … until now.
Comment by Seth R. — July 15, 2006 @ 3:49 pm
Artemis, I’m generally agree that blaming hormones is a convenient excuse to act bitchy, and one which hurts women generally. Still, when I’ve been on the fertility drug clomid, I have been a completely different person. Dave says he could hardly recognize me. I cried at the least thing and I actually *yelled* at him repeatedly, which I never, ever do. Furthermore, I didn’t even realize I was acting nutty. I adamently refuse to take responsibility for those little hissy fits :). I don’t know how pregnancy compares, but Clomid should definately be called “bitch pills.”
Comment by Janet — July 15, 2006 @ 5:51 pm
Artemis and Quimby - thanks for your kind words. I’m actually starting to calm down a bit about the whole idea of actually giving birth. I have told my husband there will be NO cameras and NO relatives in the room though. This isn’t something I want recorded and witnessed. I don’t want an audience if I need to break down and sob for a while during labor.
Other than that, I’ve been remarkably levelheaded throughout this pregnancy, barring a few crying spells that passed within the evening. My DH even mentioned my lack of mood swings. I told him it was because I’ve been through clinical depression (and mostly emerged on the other side, scathed but recovering). Pregnancy hormones are nothing compared to a low serotonin level (at least for me). And I learned enough of the cognitive behavior stuff to spot irrationality before it entirely takes over and turns me into Cruella. At least, I tell myself I have. DH is smart enough not to contradict me when I tell him how lucky he is that my pregnancy hasn’t entirely shredded my sunny disposition.
Oh, and about the swollen feet thing - I hadn’t seen my anklebones in a month. Then I met this man who does acupressure and lymphology, and he worked on my feet for about 20 minutes. That was a week ago, and the swelling has not returned. I’ve even gone for walks! Go find an acupressure person, it’s a beautiful thing.
Comment by Melinda — July 15, 2006 @ 10:28 pm
Janet, I’ll take your word on the Clomid thing. Ick. And yes, I know that pregnancy and other hormones do affect me–though I seemed to have escaped the wider swings, pregnant or not–but I do know that pregnancy makes me tired, and when I’m really tired I get moody (just like when DH is hungry, he gets moody
), so… not sure where I’m going with that, except that I guess I’m trying to say that I avoid blaming (naming) pregnancy for things because I don’t want to cast it as an alien state–that the hormonal changes are generally within “normal”. Depression, chemical imbalances generally, and drug induced hormones being an entirely different story. The thing is, there’s such a range of hormones and moods in the human experience, the female experience, and the male experience, why confine “normal” to such a small range? That’s basically what I was saying. And, yes, if the hormone fits…. 
Comment by Artemis — July 15, 2006 @ 10:48 pm
My usual compliment to people with a new baby is “way to pop one out” or the more sensitive “way to reproduce” which is the one I usually use. Having babies is way too big of a focus in our society, however: raising a healthy well adjusted kid is something I will go out of my way to recognise. I always try to compliment people on what a good job they are doing raising their child (if they are). I get off on the “boy your son is really polite” type of compliment then the “what a cute baby” type.
I do feel obligated to compliment peoples babies though. Its a weird compulsion, and my mouth moves on its own. I used to always say “what a cute baby” even if the baby in question was less than attractive. Then I started to take a page out of my grandmas book. If the kid aint cute she says “oh, what a SWEET baby”.
Also, I think 200 years from now I would like to imagine mom to bes gather around to celebrate the ancient ritual of the “toilet paper guessing game” and the mystical “baby melting in the icecube”.
Comment by just call me Cassandra... — July 15, 2006 @ 11:54 pm
And, yes, if the hormone fits….
Can we return them if the hormones don’t fit?
Comment by mullingandmusing (m&m) — July 16, 2006 @ 12:15 am
My dad delivered a baby once where he had no less than 8 adult relatives in the room, all male, standing around while the wife gave birth. One had a camcorder and three others had cameras. The effect was something like a White House press briefing with constant little flashes of light.
My dad kept wanting to tell all the yutzes to buzz-off. I don’t know how they all fit in that room.
Comment by Seth R. — July 16, 2006 @ 6:49 am
I’m being induced today and we’re bringing a camera with us, but my husband is under strict instructions not to use it until after the baby is born. He’s a film-maker, but there is no way I’m letting him bring a video camera into the delivery room. I don’t want to see it, I don’t want him to see it, and I don’t think our child would want to see it. I keep imagining the 21st birthday party: “Okay, everyone, let’s gather around and watch the birth video! Look, there’s your mom’s labia!”
Comment by Quimby — July 16, 2006 @ 6:54 pm
I am 13 wks pregnant and praying to carry to term this time. I have never carried to term–in 2.5 years, I have miscarried late (12-15 wks) 3 times, and had 3 early miscarriages as well. I understand *too* well the righteous woman struggling or unable to have children. All I have to say is, go read Shari Dew’s comments about Eve. Eve was named “the mother of all living” long before she bore a child, or even conceived (she was still in the garden). We are ALL mothers, even if some of us have not had children yet, or will not have children in this life. Motherhood is far more than carrying and birthing children, though of course that is important.
I don’t think that blessingways leave out “non-moms” if they are done right. I think that, if anything, they should HELP those woman feel their own eternal motherhood regardless of their current apparent status.
I am planning for a blessingway, and am SO excited for it. Some of my friends and family are familiar with things like this, and will be excited too. Some of them will probably feel awkward about it, but I hope they will come, because I think they will all be uplifted if they do. In my mind, a blessingway isn’t just about the pregnant mom (though she is the obvious focus) but it is about celebrating motherhood. We’ve been taught that motherhood is nearer Divinity than any other thing on earth, so I think that’s well worth celebrating!!!
Just my two cents.
clink clink!
Comment by Jenni B — July 16, 2006 @ 7:29 pm
Jenni B.,
Best wishes with your pregnancy!
Comment by mullingandmusing (m&m) — July 16, 2006 @ 9:20 pm
Ah Quimby…you probably won’t see this for awhile, but my husband is also in film production. There will be no video/film/recording of the birth (which I think the hospital won’t allow anyway and I think DH will probably be struggling not to pass out in the first place. He hates hospitals.) Photos, yeah, after the baby is born and the business is complete.
Melinda and Janet- I was diagnosed with perinatal depression. Try finding a support group for that - everyone knows about PPD, but for some reason, pregnancy depression is a literal black hole. I cried for like 4 months straight (amidst the puking), and it was how I first knew something was up before I figured out I was actually pregnant. When you cry watching TV commercials or when listening to the radio or during the previews at the movies- which is not normal when it happens _every_ time - it’s time to get help. I started antidepressants in the second trimester - what a godsend! Although I was prone to this due to previous bouts with depression, I blame my early weirdness partly on the pregnancy. Again, a different ball of wax, but worth bringing up!
One other pet peeve about being preggers…everyone thinks I’m ‘cute’ now with my extra girth and portable space heater, but what about 6 weeks AFTER the baby is born? People will then start criticizing me for the baby weight and tell me to get it off, offer advice, etc. *sigh*
I’ll end my threadjack there.
Comment by VirtualM — July 17, 2006 @ 8:11 am
Hello Mamas!
I “gave” a blessingway for one of our sisters that gave birth a few years ago. It was an amazing experinece. She loved it, her mama loved it, aunts and grandmamas……..it was simple and beautiful, and all the focus was on the baby.
We prayed individually, out loud for her and the baby. We made her a beautiful sun catcher with beads and crystals …. went around the room and gave our good thoughts and wishes as we picked our beads out. We also wrote in a journal to the Mama and the baby.
I can’t say how peaceful an experience this was. I love the tradition…….the importance of the prayers and wishes…….presents don’t mean a thing………it’s the prayers and the wishes that do.
Have fun to all that do this. It is so worth it!!
Peace!
Kelly
Comment by Kelly — July 22, 2006 @ 7:49 pm
Wow, I can’t beleive some of the comments that have been left here!
I have had several blessingways. For me they help me to spiritually prepare for my birth. There is nothing spiritual about a baby shower, a blessingway is COMPLETELY different.
The blessingway ceremony originated with the Native Americans, but it can proceed anyway the person it’s for wants. As for my plans, I like to focus on singing hymns and other spiritual songs (especially one I have written http://homespunlullaby.blogspot.com) and I will ask certain friends to grace us with their singing talent. I incorporate praying, sharing testimonies and uplifting thoughts.
I ask for each lady to bring a scripture, poem, quote or other inspirational message to share and something that represents their testimony, or has some special meaning for them, in relation to a spiritual/inspiring thought they’d like to share with us.
For me, sea shells have spiritual meaning as they remind me of my family and my baptism as I grew up by the beach. Sea shells, and sand dollars remind of rebirth and of Jesus Christ the creator of this world, and my Savior. At previous blessingways, friends have brought candles, flowers, written poems or songs. One friend gave me a card with a prayer that she would say to her sons at night.
I don’t go for the hair brushing and all that earthy stuff, either. I do like to make a simple jute or hemp bracelet run through a singular sea shell for each woman to take and wear to help remind her to pray for me.
I believe it was Quimby that spoke about how being naked in front of strangers during birth really bothers her, as well as vaginal checks and the pain of birth.
I believe those feelings are prompted by the HOly Spirit of God. God is telling us that these things are WRONG and we just try to rationalize them away (like saying that OB’s do this for a living and so it does not affect them at all.)
I believe that there is much in the scriptures that teaches us about how to overcome the trial of birth. We are supposed to be modest. As a daughter of God, and especially after baptism, we are renewed and our spirits let us know that immodesty is wrong.
But we grow up being told to ignore this. The bible tells us that we are to protect our modesty from the Gentiles who know not God. Our current birth culture violates this. Midwife attended hospital birth, and particularly homebirth, is much more conducive to modesty.
Vaginal checks are also much less frequent with a midwife than an OB, generally. With my midwife assisted homebirth I had ONE vaginal check. My last three births have been unassisted and so I have had NO vaginal checks.
As for the pain, my first two CNM assisted births were painful, but then I STUDIED and learned so much and came to see that homebirth is safe if not safer, for the healthy, low-risk woman, and that it also is conducive to birthing with less pain, naturally.
My last four births have been like comparing apples to oranges- totally different than my hospital births. Pain is a sign that something needs to be changed or done, and so at home the laboring woman is free to respond to these clues and alleviate her pain by changing position, vocalizing, entering the water, or whatever she feels like doing! She doesn’t need anyones permission nor an audience.
I could go on and on. There is so much in the scriptures that I could mention that is inspiring, uplifting and instructional to the pregnant woman. God did not “curse” us then leave us with no way to be triumphant. What happened is he allows opposition in ALL things and the same ways that we overcome other trials, we can overcome the opposition in birth. Of course Satan’s main way to make us stumble is through fear. Faith overcomes fear. In birth there is soo much fear, and a blessingway can help overcome fear.
Most of the women who have attended my blessingways maybe were a little hesitant, (even I was at first) but there is a special, sweet sisterhood and spirituality that has made every woman tell me that they were pleasantly surprised and glad to have come.
Susana Baig
http://spiritledbirth.blogspot.com
http://emergencychildbirth.blogspot.com
http://homespunlullaby.blogspot.com
Comment by Susana — January 14, 2008 @ 11:20 pm
For an idea on how to have an LDS blessingway, you can read my Blessingway plan/ outline here:
http://spiritledbirth.blogspot.com/2008/01/my-blessingway.html
Comment by Susana — January 30, 2008 @ 3:07 am
I used a doula at the birth of my 2nd child. My first birth I felt so out of control. The birth ended in a c-section. I was determined that I was in charge the next time around. I researched, hired a doula. Hired birth support (OB,CNM) that aligned with the way that I wanted to give birth.
It was the most amazing, empowering,spiritual experience I’ve ever had. After the birth I felt like I could acomplish anything I set my mind too.
I highly encourage everyone look into hiring a doula. It was the best money I have ever spent.
Here is more info
http://www.dona.org/
Comment by Lissy — February 23, 2008 @ 12:33 am
I was looking for sites on Blessingways and found this thread. I decided to resurrect it. I also found this post on Stand and Deliver. It is an old LDS tradition as well.
Comment by ErinAnn — July 8, 2010 @ 11:25 am
No takers?
Comment by ErinAnn — July 8, 2010 @ 10:12 pm
Sorry ErinAnn, I think it’s interesting, and it made me think but I couldn’t come up with a good comment. I would love to know if my great-grandmother who was a midwife in the Uinta Basin gave those blessings. I will have to do research to find out, but family stories say she rarely if ever lost a mother or baby, which I would love to find out about. I checked out your link. Interesting.
Comment by IdahoG-ma — July 8, 2010 @ 10:34 pm