A Change of Heart
This is a pretty big stage, the lights are in my eyes, and I’ve got a little case of the butterflies, but some of you already know me, so that makes it easier. My name is Tracy M, also known as Dandelion Mama, and Lisa has done me the honor of inviting me to guest post here for the next two weeks. I am an artist, designer, small business owner, adult convert, wife and mother of 3 redheaded monkeys- boys, 2 and 4, and a newbie girl who is still lulled to sleep by the magical baby-swing. I’m a perma-blogger at Mormon Mommy Wars as well as keeping my own blog- which doesn’t leave much time for keeping house, but at least my priorities are in line…
A few of you may already be familiar with this, but the best way to introduce myself is by posting my conversion story:
Notes from the Trenches: My Conversion
It wasn’t until Jeffrey slid from my body with that final great push and they set his slippery body on my tummy that I knew God was for real. Years of searching fell away as I looked in awe and wonder at my first child, and I knew, I knew with all my heart and soul, that there was a God.
That is the memory I have of my first son’s birth. Not the pain, not the 36 hours of labor and 3 hours of crazy pushing, not the sheer exhaustion of labor and delivery- that too all fell away, and I sobbed and wept, yes for my son, but really it was for God.
For years, I had searched for answers. Searched in places I dare not tell anyone about without making myself look like a lunatic, and places that were regular and simple. Never did find anything that rang true, deep inside, as I knew truth must. There is not a church or school of thought I didn’t check out, delve into, or at least consider for a moment, but still I wandered, unsatisfied, and looking for… for something.
There was no religious or spiritual training at all in my home growing up- my parents are good people, but faith in anything other than themselves is not a strong suit for either of them.
Since I was stumbling around in the proverbial dark, I made some crummy choices, which I will currently spare. It took over fifteen years of getting mad at God and yelling and fighting and cursing and crying and trying not to care about a God I wasn’t sure was even real, before that baby finally saved my soul.
My husband already had a strong faith, but it was a unique and personal faith wrought from trial and error, somewhat parallel to my path. After Jeffrey’s birth, we agreed that we wanted to give our children more than we had. We also knew that the California, free-thought, try anything once, let-others-fly-away culture we grew up in wasn’t going to fly for us anymore. So we moved. Far away. To Washington, with an eight-month old, a bid on a house we had never seen, and only a sort-of promise of a job.
Big gamble or big leap of faith, all depends on your point of view. Looking back, it was faith that brought us here, because here is where we found our answers.
One Sunday, out of the blue, I went to the local Mormon Church to hear what I thought would be a musical program for the fourth of July. I took Jeffrey with me, and sat way in the back, didn’t talk to anyone, and left right after it was over. But something stuck with me. It was a fast and testimony meeting, and I was absolutely amazed at the young people who got up and talked. How could these young kids know so much, and talk about it as though they knew it, and be so, so…young? What I left the meeting with was a feeling that “something is happening at this place, and I don’t know what it is, but its right”. What I hoped for my children was happening in that building and I wanted to know more.
I went the next Sunday, and the next and I never missed another one. Two months after Independence Day, I walked up to the missionaries after Sacrament, introduced myself and asked what I had to do to be baptized. I still remember the looks on their faces. After they told me about the lessons, I asked if we really needed to do that, because I already knew what I wanted. They had to scoop their jaws off the carpet. (and I still get letters from both of them).
So in October, I was baptized, with the blessing of my husband, but not the rest of my or his family. I actually kept my membership a secret from my mother for a long time, simply because I knew what would happen. And when I finally told her, I was right. It was ugly, and the details don’t matter. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but the choice was easy to make, considering. Anyway, it all worked out, and I mostly have carved out a peace.
So next time you are grumpy at a Fast & Testimony meeting, think of the searching mother in the back, getting everything she has been hoping for from the mouth of your babe, up there at the podium.
One of the single best posts I’ve read in a long time.
Thanks Tracy!
Comment by Cordeiro — July 31, 2006 @ 5:41 am
I enjoyed your testimony. Thanks! (It reminds me of the good and bad times during fast and testimony meetings in a little branch of 8 members in France … oh the good times)
Comment by Matt — July 31, 2006 @ 7:21 am
Thank you so much for sharing that… Sometimes I wonder if testimony meetings are really that conducive to the spirit, so I am glad to hear the one you went to was.
I am concerned that the missionaries didn’t know who you were after two months… Didn’t anyone ever come up to you and get to know you?
Comment by GInger — July 31, 2006 @ 7:35 am
Yep, you are walking proof that we should never underestimate ourselves.
Comment by annegb — July 31, 2006 @ 7:42 am
There were a few people who did come up and introduce themselves after a few Sundays- but at first, I just went for Sacrament meeting, then exited quickly, so I didn’t give people much of a chance. It’s also a very big ward, with almost 90% activity (honestly!) so it was easy for me to stay under the radar.
The Elders did say someone had mentioned me to them… And, the people who first reached out to me are still near and dear to my heart.
Comment by TracyM — July 31, 2006 @ 9:22 am
Great Post!!!!! Seriously though. This type of post is why I check in here from time to time at FMH
We had a similar exp in our ward in 2003.
I swear I have never felt the spirit stronger then at the birth of my 4 kids.
Comment by bbell — July 31, 2006 @ 9:33 am
Wonderful, Tracy; thanks for posting your story.
Comment by Kevin Barney — July 31, 2006 @ 9:42 am
Thank you so much for sharing this. Like you, I was hooked after a fast and testimony meeting, which was my first experience of the Mormon church.
My parents took it ok, but I still feel a separation between us. I have kept my conversion a secret from many friends. As I took the missionary discussions (I started the day after my first meeting), I was surprised when they asked whether I would be baptized, to me, the answer had been yes from the beginning.
thanks again.
Comment by Jo — July 31, 2006 @ 9:51 am
I’ve always tried to prepare lessons and talks with the thought that there are people not of our faith that may be attendance.
I didn’t know this until later, but there was a family visiting our ward on the Sunday when I gave my farewell address (back when they made a bigger deal about missionaries leaving than they do now). They were visting with friends of theirs, who had grown up in the ward. I didn’t know it until later, but after that meeting (in which my mother cried at the pulpit and my dad gave confusing advice in his talk and my brothers did something musical and another brother gave an odd talk and I had 5 minutes left to bear my testimony), this family started taking the discussions and were baptized.
I got to meet them when I got home from my mission, and they were going through the temple.
Comment by queuno — July 31, 2006 @ 11:40 am
You had me in tears Tracy, that was just lovely. Thank you so much for sharing, and thank you so much for blogging with us for the next few weeks.
Comment by fMhLisa — July 31, 2006 @ 12:17 pm
This is so funny. I was baptized in March of this year and had a hard time telling my parents, kept it a secret from many friends… because I know how people think about the Church; I know because I used to have those thoughts. But through all the struggles and the rough times I’ve had with it, I can’t deny what I’ve felt here. I take it your husband and kids aren’t members?
Comment by Siobhan — July 31, 2006 @ 1:41 pm
My baptism anniversary will be four years in October. My kids are too young to be members, but they are on the rolls, attent primary and have been blessed. My husband, a practicing Budhist for more than 16 years, was baptized a year ago last August- his conversion was not something I even dared hope for, but it happened anyway. We have not been to the Temple yet.
Comment by TracyM — July 31, 2006 @ 2:47 pm
Tracy,
Do yourself and your kids a favor. Write a detailed journal of your conversion.
Comment by bbell — July 31, 2006 @ 2:59 pm
Tracy,
This was wonderful. Thank you for posting this.
Comment by Rusty — July 31, 2006 @ 4:07 pm
That’s a wonderful conversion story. I actually envy you your faith… I have been a member ALL of my life and I still struggle with doubts from time to time. Although the desire to beleive iin something more than this life is the most important, and it was what lead you to the gospel. I look forward to reading your posts.
Comment by nosurfgirl — July 31, 2006 @ 4:24 pm
I hope your experience with your mom gives you and your posterity a firm resolve to treat kindly those loved ones who someday leave your faith. After I left LDS and later joined another faith, some members of my family engaged in the same behavior as our Catholic/Lutheran/Anglican forebears who reacted with ugliness when their adult children joined the LDS. Other family members treated me as they wished our LDS pioneer ancestors had been treated upon leaving the faith(s) of their fathers. Big difference.
Comment by Beijing — July 31, 2006 @ 6:21 pm
Beijing- I can’t imagine treating anyone I love with anything but respect and love regarding deeply personal spiritual choices. Judgement and divisivness only cleave hearts- as I well know. I’m sorry for your painful experience.
Nosurfgirl- my faith is plenty shaky, plenty of times. Sometimes I feel all I’ve got is the memory of surety. I’m actually working out some ideas on that right now.
Thanks all, for the compliments…
Comment by TracyM — July 31, 2006 @ 6:44 pm
Tracy-
Wow, your husband was Buddhist? I was raised with in a quasi-Buddhist household [my dad is very much into Zen Buddhism].
I would love to hear about the process your husband went through to join the church– I bet it’s fascinating.
It might also give me hope for my parents… they’re so into the idea of God as this emotionless, formless ball of energy and think that my belief in God as a man of flesh and bones is too small. I guess I used to think so too, until I converted.
Comment by Siobhan — July 31, 2006 @ 7:38 pm
Thank you, I enjoyed that.
Comment by Stephen M (Ethesis) — August 1, 2006 @ 6:55 am
Wow. I love your story. Thanks for sharing it.
Comment by madhousewife — August 1, 2006 @ 5:09 pm