Dear fMh: Buttercup and Pepper BFF
In the spirit of our new series of advice-seeking posts, I find myself in need of advice.
My daughter Buttercup is four years old. Four-year-olds have short memories, right? And they are easily distracted, right?
Right?
Well this is what I’ve been telling myself for six months now, but it turns out I have been wrong. See Buttercup has a best friend, lets call him Pepper. Pepper is a perfectly delightful four-year-old, he loves trains, and dried seaweed, and he loves Buttercup. They’ve made plans to get married and have many dogs.
Unfortunatly, I broke up with Pepper’s mother about six months ago. And we no longer see Pepper. And for six months now, I have heard this daily: Mom, when can I go to Pepper’ths house, when can Pepper come here? Mom can I play witthh Pepper? Mom, you call Pepper’ths mom and I can go and play witthh Pepper, Okay! Mom! Mom? Mom?
We’ll see, I say. Thinking she’ll drop it one of these days.
But this is not slowing dying away, in fact when she’s not asking me about Pepper, she talking about him to everyone else. Including her stuffed dogs. Pepper is my besthst friend. I lofve Pepper. I lofve to play with Pepper. Pepper lofves trainsths.
And as Buttercup grows, she gets smarter, I can see her starting to realize that she is not getting a direct answer. She is pushing back.
Part of what is so frustrating about this situation, is that there is nothing really objectionable about Pepper’s mother.
I suppose I will have to explain our break-up. I really really liked Bell (Pepper’s Mom), we were friends for about a year, and we had enough of that rare easy chemistry that I thought she had BFF potential. After about a year of easy friendship, we had a few minor miscommunications, then a heart-felt and very productive talk in which we both acknowledged our mistakes and apoligized. Bell ended the conversation by telling me that she was so happy that we had overcome our first relationship speedbump, and that she was really excited to see me the next day. Sounds good right? I thought so.
But the next day, and for nearly a month afterward, she ignored me. Pointedly, in the most Jr. High way you can imagine. It hurt a lot.
After a month of the silent treatment (the weirdness of which I could go on about at great length), I realized that this relationship was hanging over my head and I needed it to be over, so I broke up with her. I wrote her a note (I’m a scardy cat) saying that I didn’t understand her behavior, it hurt, and I couldn’t be her friend anymore. The next day she came up to me, gave me a big hug, thanked me for being so brave and then told me to call her. I didn’t. I don’t know if it was a game, or if she is just that screwed up, but either way, I didn’t want to deal with it.
Bell is, I think, a wonderful person, a great mom, and she’s had a lot to overcome in her life. I don’t understand her behavior, and I was never brave enough to ask her about it, but I’m not bitter. I don’t know why I still hold such a high opinion of her after she treated me that way, but I admire her, and I enjoyed her friendship, and I wish her only the best.
The thing is, I think that if I approached her and told her how much Buttercup misses Pepper, she would be gracious and open to them continuing a relationship. Even though we never talk, she is always friendly with my kids. I would be comfortable with Buttercup playing at Pepper’s house, or Pepper playing here. Like a playdate divorce with joint custody.
But building even that level of a relationship would open me up to Bell more than I want. Part of me still feels like that friendless Jr. High reject every time I see her. Which annoys me, I like to think I’m secure and self-assured now.
But if I really was, secure, that is, then I would just walk up to her and say, Hey, can our kids be friends? I’ll drop Buttercup off on Wednesday. But because I am still that jr-high-reject, I fear rejection, of either myself or my sweet Buttercup, Eh, no, she could say, Pepper is totally over her. Or maybe she’d just turn her back and walk away, or maybe she’d stand on the other side of her door and laugh at me as I tried to drop my daughter off, mocking my naivety and awkwardness. None of which would matter if I was really secure, but clearly I am not.
And none of this is helped by the fact that I still wonder if I did the right thing to break up with her so abruptly. If I was secure, I would have confronted her, and then either accepted or rejected her explanation and friendship. Instead I decided to cut and run to protect my mealy whimpy feelings from more rejection.
And just maybe I wanted to dish out a little rejection myself. Pride rears its ugly head.
And that too, Pride, may be part of my reluctance to approach her on behalf of Buttercup. Ah Pride, the desperate barren comforter.
So advice time: Do I get over myself and help Buttercup get her best friend back? Should I dump the pride and ask Bell to explain herself, six months later? Or if not, if it’s okay for me to protect my insecure little feelings, what do I tell Buttercup about Pepper?
Wow, no one has given you any advice yet? Well, I don’t have advice… ok, maybe a little. I would be really hurt too, and I think you have a healthy instinct to take care of yourself. I guess I would try and do the playdate thing though, because kids have loves that are just as real as adults.
Good luck! And I hope you will be nice to yourself whatever you decide- the feeling fo rejection can be hard to take.
Comment by Braidwood — November 2, 2006 @ 6:55 pm
“because kids have loves that are just as real as adults”
Thanks for this. I really needed to hear that. It’s what I’ve been feeling this whole time, but hadn’t grasped yet.
“Wow, no one has given you any advice yet?”
In my insecure state, I read that to say, “Don’t you have any real friends who can give you advice?” I am a mess.
Yes, I’ve gotten advice from my dh and a few friends. But I still haven’t worked it out obviously, I’m hoping to gain some additional perspective.
Comment by fMhLisa — November 2, 2006 @ 7:14 pm
I think Braidwood just meant she was surprised that no one had commented with advice yet.
I don’t have anything for you either; I would probably feel and do exactly as you’ve done. It is very hard to get over that kind of treatment and those feelings. Our head and our spirit tell us that we know what we should do for the sake of the children but our heart is still too scared/scarred/hurt/reluctant to take that step. Maybe the first step is asking God to help you get past the pain.
Comment by Proud Daughter of Eve — November 2, 2006 @ 7:52 pm
I think Braidwood was just surprised that no one had replied to your post yet, not that you hadn’t sought advice from anyone else. And seeking advice from more people gives you a greater perspective, which can only be a good thing.
As for my advice, I think you need to suck it up and make a play date. Not because you’re wrong, because you are justified in feeling hurt and protecting yourself. But because if you don’t, your daughter might start to feel like she’s been rejected (i.e. “doesn’t Pepper want to play with me?”). I don’t know what to tell you about your relationship with Bell, but from how you describe her, I think you could manage to set up a play date without recriminations, and probably with only a little interaction, if that’s what you want. But it sounds like Buttercup needs her best friend, and you’re too good a mom to keep her from him.
Good luck, and remember that we all love you, so you don’t need to feel like a jr high reject. I bet Bell doesn’t have nearly as many friends as you do
Comment by Vada — November 2, 2006 @ 7:57 pm
OK, I hope this doesn’t come off as an insensitive comment, but I guess I’m not seeing the problem as it relates to Pepper and Buttercup playing. Aren’t they separate issues? You don’t have to be friends with all of your kids friends moms. It isn’t about you, it’s about Pepper and Buttercup. Just call and ask if Pepper can come play. No need for apologies or awkwardness, just “Hi Bell, Buttercup was wondering if Pepper could come over for a bit to play?” The worst she can say is no. And it might bring some much needed casualness to your relationship.
You don’t have to be BFFs with everyone. You can just be casual acquaintences whose kids play together. The more you worry over it, the bigger it will become in your mind.
Comment by Sue — November 2, 2006 @ 8:07 pm
I have to agree with Sue. My daughter has several friends in which the mothers and I are friends in a very small way –not as small as acquaintances, but not nearly “BF”, either.
I would follow Sue’s advice. It’s great and I think she hit it right on the head.
Comment by cheryl — November 2, 2006 @ 8:15 pm
Make a playdate at the park with a couple of other moms and kids also. It’s neutral ground and you will be able to test the waters before you get all buddy buddy again and won’t set yourself up for a fall. (Okay, I just realized it’s November, maybe at a McDonalds indoor playground or something less cold.)
Or have Pepper and Bell over with some other moms also and the moms can play poker and the kids can run around the house. Mom poker night is pretty fun and helps break the ice. Good luck. Just remember, you don’t have to put all of yourself out there again, being friendly won’t hurt but you don’t have to be BFF.
Comment by purplesandel — November 2, 2006 @ 8:17 pm
Unfortunately, I think the answer would be to try to put your focus on her instead of yourself.
I wish I could say I do this out of pure love - truth is I do it (initially) because I’ve learned it makes my life better. I can’t stand being vulnerable and the many experiences I’ve had that parallel yours have taught me that the absolute best position to find myself in within a friendship is one in which I consider their needs as the primary focus. I know there are many times when we don’t feel we have the luxury of putting others in front of ourselves, but, in my experience, sometimes it’s worth a little force and a little faking. Eventually it’s replaced by something organic.
So if I were you, I’d make an attempt to be the friend to her that you wish she was to you - except without the usual regard for an equal exchange . If she’s lame from time to time, you might consider that you have your DH and many sister-friends to meet your needs. Maybe she’s not so lucky ?
I have it my head that I want to be the kind of person who “has a lot of love to give”. What I imply but don’t highlight is that I also don’t want to *have to* rely on other people to meet my needs. I want to lean on people when the terms are favorable and healthy, but as for those situations when people fall short (as they often do), I’d like to feel enough love in my life from (DH, others and myself) that I can give love freely without need for return.
Comment by madre — November 2, 2006 @ 8:59 pm
I don’t know. My thoughts are influenced by the fact that my son had a BEST FRIEND EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE WHO COULD NEVER BE REPLACED BY ANYONE, NO MATTER HOW MANY FRIENDS HE MAKES back in our old home in New England. He desperately missed “his Sam”. We moved 4 months ago, and until about 2 weeks ago, I caught him silently weeping at least 2 times a week over his lost soul-friend. These boys were 6 when we moved away. They don’t have the perspective that maybe, just perhaps, they might happen to meet someone just as wonderful. But he wasn’t havin’ any of it. Sam was “as good as it gets”.
But now suddenly, he is making friends here. He’s starting to enjoy life. He doens’t wail to move back, and actually looks forward to his life here. It’s taken a while, but making new friends has helped. So has writing Sam letters.
Maybe Buttercup could draw Pepper a picture and send it? Or maybe you could come up with some valid, reasonable explanation about why you’re not able to play with them any more. But the fact is, life goes on, and sometimes close friends go with it. A hard lesson, but an opportunity to learn and grow is before you.
Another thought: I have family members who I don’t have a relationship with because of things in the past, and these people would love to have relationships with my kids…but because they blew it with me, unfortunately that’s not possible right now. Just like you and Bell, It’s not about forgiving, it’s about trusting. They lost my trust, and I havn’t yetr seen any signs that it’s safe to grant it again. Alas, the kids are the ones who miss out, but that’s the consequence.
You can follow any number of courses of action, and none of them would be wrong if you’re following your heart. I’d vote for the “make new friends” route–sounds like a little Buttercup might benefit from a little distraction. Sign up for some kind of fun playgroup or class (tumbling, art, music, indoor soccer) where she can make new, cooler friends! Pretty soon, she’ll be begging to play with Salt!
Comment by Blue — November 2, 2006 @ 9:02 pm
Oops. A couple clarifications:
By “her” (in the first line) I meant Bell.
And I’d add, after I read Sue’s comment, that I agree that you don’t have to completely “get back together” to be friends again. I didn’t mean for my comment to imply you had to be BFF all over again.
Comment by madre — November 2, 2006 @ 9:09 pm
Even though I’m a big big wimpy baby when it comes to situations like this, I suppose if I were inyour situation, I would be brave, call Bell up and ask if Pepper could come over for a playdate. It’s really important to Buttercup. And if Bell is nasty, just try not to feel that your bravery to call her was in vain. Go ahead and set up a play date!
Comment by meems — November 2, 2006 @ 9:55 pm
Well, my approach to this stuff has always been to act as if the slights, anger, whatever… don’t exist and never did. But I never saw fit to project needs onto it.
I’ve never felt a great need for friends. Thus I risk little if a relationship doesn’t work out. But I can’t waste energy on what I consider to be other peoples’ issues. So I smile and act as if there never was an insult. It’s worked well for me over the years.
If you can pull it off, then it might be nice for your daughter. But you really have to be willing to allow this to be inconsequential.
Comment by Seth R. — November 2, 2006 @ 9:56 pm
I agree with meems, but I’d be careful and not tell Buttercup that you’re trying to set up the playdate. And maybe not even tell her until you know for certain that Pepper is coming over–just in case Bell keeps acting junior-high-ish. That way Buttercup doesn’t get caught in the middle.
And I agree that the whole situation stinks. It’s not fair to have to deal with this when she’s only four–imagine the fun when Buttercup actually IS in junior high. I think you’re being amazing about even dealing with it, instead of pushing it away (like I would probably do!).
Comment by Keryn — November 2, 2006 @ 10:14 pm
Ha! I just read (random–I never ever read these things) my horoscope, and thought I’d share the pearl of wisdom it offered:
I guess I’m feeling like life’s too short to intentionally keep people in it who don’t uplift. That said, working through things is useful and may help us grow in beneficial ways. Anyway, that’s all I have for you. Suerte!
Comment by Blue — November 2, 2006 @ 10:26 pm
Sorry to hear about the hurt. No fun at all. (To have any appearance of the evil of junior high is misery. It’s happened to me before. Ugh.)
That said, I do agree with those who say try to do the playdate thing somehow. You don’t have to reengage as friends to do this. Maybe you can think of it as a business-like relationship. You can be kind, but no one says you have to be friends in a heart-sharing way. I just hate to think of Buttercup suffering, too, ya know? And who knows? Maybe some healing can come as you take a step of casual contact, without having to totally put yourself on the line emotionally.
Eventually, if I were you (just cuz I hate unfinished business), I would find a way to talk to Bell about what happened. I think that sometimes loose ends and lack of closure keep emotional wounds alive. But that’s my personal approach.
Hugs to you!
Comment by m&m — November 2, 2006 @ 11:58 pm
Regarding Bell, it’s too weird to try and resurrect. Not worth it, imo. Regarding Pepper, it sounds like it’s a pain in the rear to maintain a relationship between 4 year olds who don’t live by each other. Regarding Buttercup, she may have an easier time letting go if she wasn’t given reason for hope. “We’ll see” is one of those phrases that makes me cringe.
In the immortal words of Jack Johnson…
“It seems to me that maybe,
It pretty much always means no
So don’t tell me you might just let it go
And often times we’re lazy
It seems to stand in my way
Cause no one no not no one
Likes to be let down”
Maybe it’s time to write Bell off and tell Buttercup it wasn’t working out and since Pepper doesn’t live close, you’re going to help her find some good friends close by. Otherwise, it does become some weird joint custody thing.
Comment by cg — November 3, 2006 @ 11:48 am
I wish I could tell you what to do here, but the only place I can weigh in is the area of Buttercup forgetting about Pepper. My almost 4yo’s best friend moved 4 hours away 8 months ago, and is still mentioned every day. Now, we go and see them as often as we can, because they are close friends of our whole family–but my 4yo refuses to even make any other friends because she just wants to have her best friend. Eight months. And counting.
Comment by Cyl — November 3, 2006 @ 2:53 pm
I don’t have any advice to give, but I can share a few things about my childhood. My mom’s friends had kids the same ages as some of my siblings, but among those kids only a few were friends, or even friendly with my siblings. None of my friend’s parents were friends with my mom, none. It never caused a problem, even though I know there were some mothers that she disliked. Lastly there was a boy I was friends with as a toddler that I planned on marrying until I was 16 or so, at which point I gave up on marriage and settled for being good friends. He is still a friend of mine.
Comment by Starfoxy — November 3, 2006 @ 3:11 pm
First off, props for naming “pepper’s” mom “bell.” I laughed out loud at “bell pepper”.
Ok, I’d probably try and arrange a play date and be open to a renewal of friendship between you and Bell as well. But, and this is a hefty “but,” I’m somewhat CRAZY in that I have renewed friendships in the past which have ended badly, in one case so badly it may have actually been criminal. I have gotten burned, but in the two most dramatic instances (including possible criminal guy) the people have felt genuine remorse and we remained friends for many years. Maybe Bell really does feel awful, misses you terribly, but simply doesn’t know how to handle the situation.
But let’s say you have no interest in that at all, which would be fine and probably waaaay more sane than my usual route. Like others say, you don’t have to be buddies with this woman for your kids to play together. If you can manage a few minutes of small talk, that’s all you need. I’d give it a shot for the sake of your kiddo–I still remember vividly a friend I had when I was 5 whose folks decided I wasn’t allowed to play with her anymore. It crushed me. (And my mom since it was because of our religion.) Four year olds have better memories than we’d like to think.
Comment by Janet — November 3, 2006 @ 5:19 pm
I’ve never commented before, but I am touched by your (and Buttercup’s) plight…
I liked purpleandel’s suggestion of arranging a group playdate with some other moms and kids. Then you can say, “Hey, Bell, a bunch of us are doing this and we thought you and Pepper might want to come.” It takes the pressure off in case she flakes out or something.
Even better would be to triangulate by having some mom you both know invite both kids and moms over for a playdate. Then you have no responsibility at all! If it goes well, you renew the friendship, if not, c’est la vie! Obviously this only works if you guys know someone in common who you could confide in.
I moved several times as a kid, left friends behind, and though I missed them, I’m no worse for it. Whatever you do, it will be all right.
Comment by Liz — November 3, 2006 @ 7:36 pm
Aw, I’m sorry. But I’m jealous, too, as I’d love to have a potential BFF sort of friend who happened to live nearby AND have a kid my age!!! I seem to have one of the three with people I know, but never all three in one person.
From my perspective, it seems a shame that Buttercup & Pepper can’t still play together, regardless of your relationship with Bell. And if I were you, I’d give it another go with Bell. Potential “Friends” are worth the effort, even if they aren’t BFF material.
Do let us know how it turns out.
Comment by Mindy — November 3, 2006 @ 11:35 pm
This is the yucky part of parenting. Changing diapers when you’re glammed up to go out and the babysitter hasn’t arrived, and jr. poops a 3-meat pizza poop…and sometimes, the fact that it’s not about you anymore hits you like that.
I am going to go ahead and say: yes, get over yourself — and I do truly mean that in a detachment-from-the-issue Buddhist sense.
Let kiddo have a playdate, and be civil with Bell. You don’t have to be BFF, but you *can* be civil. Your problems will have to be sorted out, too, but you guys can do that on your own time, without keeping the kids apart.
Easier said than, done, I know. Been there, done that, and it ain’t fun. Good luck of the luckiest sort.
Comment by pele — November 4, 2006 @ 7:35 pm
Hey, Lisa–I was rethinking my response earlier this evening. If you think Bell might use Buttercup as some sort of pawn in weird mind games with you, I would totally stay away. I’d like to think adults would never behave that way, but I’ve heard freaky stories from friends.
Whatever you decide, I wish you and Buttercup all the luck and goodwill in the world. Let us know how it turns out!
Comment by Janet — November 4, 2006 @ 11:06 pm
lisa-
I have trhe same thing going on with me. It tottally sucks but it is my pride that keeps our sons from being friends. Lame. But real.
If you ever come up with a solution, let me know…
Kristi
Comment by just call me Cassandra... — November 5, 2006 @ 2:53 pm