Dear fMh: Help me Understand Depression
Short introduction: I’ve just moved to Utah for a job that my DH loves. I’ve lived in Utah before, but having lived elsewhere and then returning, I must say that LDS people are certainly peculiar which has probably been a post before and could be rehashed. Both of our families are closer to us now, which of course has both drawbacks and advantages, but for the most part we enjoy it. I stumbles onto fMh and have become addicted because I’ve needed good conversation and insights while enduring the shallow conversation of a new move-in. So, I’m new to the blog and perhaps you’ve discussed this before, but I could really use some insight and advice.
I started typing the situation, but thought that to be unwise. I will give the very basics, and hope that it’s enough to elicit helpful response. My MIL, who has suffered from depression for a long time has now come to live with us for a few weeks. She does not want to go back to her home where the two people there are just not good to her (though that situation is a two-way street). She will hopefully move back when at least one of the two will move out.
She’s been at my home for 5-6 days and we thought things were great until she left on a hike today with the intent of never coming back. She is at the hospital receiving treatment, but thinks she can come back here soon. I was fine with the initial move in and I thought things were going really well, but now I’m kind of freaking out about having her here with my children and the possibility that I can’t leave her alone in the house. My DH will be at work (btw he is having a hard time understanding this as well even though he has more history with her, though he’s is being so very helpful and loving to her even through his frustration), I will not be able to go anywhere. I’m feeling frustrated and angry right now and fearful.
It seems that as nice as I can try to be I’m just not helping because she hikes off in the mountains hoping to never be seen again! I don’t expect that I’m the one to resolve her issues. But I do want to offer love and support and help if I can. I just don’t know what to expect. I want to protect my young sons. I used to consider myself one who could roll with the punches really well, but sometimes the punches knock me down and I don’t know which way to roll! I know depression is different for everyone, but I am just at a loss right now and would welcome insight.
One other issue to be aware of is that she is not LDS, she is Catholic. Seeing as how this is a “mormon” blog, perhaps your approach would be different? How have you given help and support without getting frustrated and angry? How can I have empathy in a situation I just don’t understand? How can I give love and support to her by letting her stay in my home and still protect my family?
Nutty
I think you are on the right track, I don’t think you can rearrange your whole life, and put your kids at risk. You have to take care of your own family first.
Comment by mami — January 12, 2007 @ 5:03 pm
Hospital receiving treatment is good. Being at your home untreated is bad. She will proably come home with meds, do your best to make sure she takes them.
Other than that, I don’t know what to tell you. Depression is very very hard, both for the patient and the people around her. I hope this treatment helps.
Comment by The Wiz — January 12, 2007 @ 5:10 pm
are there any other options for her, residence wise? it sounds like she may need quite a bit of psychiatric attention and monitoring, more than you can provide.
Comment by G — January 12, 2007 @ 5:26 pm
Let me do a quick update. My MIL just got out of the hospital, where we believe she received good treatment (medication-wise, other treatment in hospitals - especially on the adult phyc ward - can be reprehensible). She is an extremely intelligent and adept person, but has just been treated poorly all her life. Many of the social workers wonder why she has depression at all because she seems so able and intelligent, but her emotional needs just have not been met over the last 35 years or so. I think her meds are under control and she has actually put me in charge of them (in hopes to build my trust again).
Because I have no idea what deep depression feels like (only the topical. passing kind) I don’t understand where I draw the line between relying on medication and actually healing the damage done. Is it my place to heal? Should I walk on eggshells hoping that what I do will not trigger something dark inside her? How have any of you been instrumental in helping to heal/support those you love who are/have been depressed? I feel that true healing will come from within her, so what is my role?
I should mention as well that her goal is to have her own place ASAP, but ASAP to me and ASAP to her might be different - but there’s the goal.
Comment by Nutty — January 12, 2007 @ 5:49 pm
It would probably help everyone to offer advice if we knew more about what she is actually dealing with? Are we talking about clinical, chemical depression, or are we talking about depression because she’s dealing with hard things in her life that therapy and other things might help her to begin to resolve? Or is there other undiagnosed mental illness or disorder?
Comment by Sue — January 12, 2007 @ 7:48 pm
Have you or DH discussed it with her caregivers, what she will need when released and what to expect? If she’s still suicidal, she probably belongs in a psychiatric hospital. If she’s not, are there any programs, resources, places that could help bridge her back to regular life? You are right that you can’t be on suicide watch all the time — it’s too much responsibility, and if she is determined, she’ll find a way anyway.
I’ve been depressed and taken antidepressants, but all I can say is that she needs to be under the care of a psychiatrist, to regulate her meds, and perhaps also a psychologist or other therapist for talk therapy (if the psychiatrist doesn’t fill that role). Medical attention is really important. Depression is an illness like any other and it might help you to think of it that way: it isn’t your place to decide whether or how she should “rely on medication” or not, or how she should progress in her recovery. A good doctor will be the best help — there are pretty standard treatment protocols. For many people there is no need to revisit bad events from the past — the most helpful thing is to learn strategies to help deal with current life more productively. Antidepressants can help in this process. Probably the best thing to do is be yourself. You aren’t responsible for her behavior and you aren’t going to be able to fix it, but you can prepare nutritious meals and be kind and sometimes that goes a long way.
Many antidepressants take awhile to work fully (Prozac: 6 wks), and that in-between period is a very vulnerable time, btw.
Comment by Liz — January 12, 2007 @ 7:54 pm
As one who struggles with depression and tried to take my life 4 months ago, I do understand how difficult depression. I am not sure about your MIL, but for me there were so many things that I just couldn’t deal with. Mother with health problems, my own health problems, HUGE financial problems, drama at work, all around jacked up family situation, etc. The best thing anyone did for me was to talk to me. To ask me what this felt like for me. They asked what I needed them to do to help me. In my case I needed someone to help take the pressure off so that I could get some breathing room, and they did and it helped tremendously. I needed to know that I was loved, valued and understood, and they made sure that they were better at communicating that to me. Finally, I needed to know they wouldn’t give up on me.
Everyone who has depression has a different experience and what helps some doesn’t help others, that is why you have to ask her. I can say that love and support go a long way. Try not to judge her because you don’t know what she has going on inside (no one does by her). Also, maybe you need to discuss what ASAP means for the move so that you don’t end up with mass drama and getting completely overwhelmed yourself-one depressed person in the house is enough. Is ASAP when she is no longer suicidal? Is it in a month? In six months? Is it when she can find an affordable place?
Finally, please make sure that her doctor’s do a really thorough physical including all of the blood work. For some reason it is really common for them to not do that with depression and they could miss a physical component that is making it worse. I know of many people who went through hell because their doctor didn’t do all they should have at the beginning.
Comment by anon — January 12, 2007 @ 8:19 pm
My husband has depression, and while the dynamics with a spouse are certainly different than with a MIL, I think I can offer a few thoughts that might help.
First off, get a copy of “The Noonday Demon” by Andrew Solomon. Andrew Solomon suffered from severe depression for many years and writes of his experiences, thoughts, feelings. My husband says that this book is the best description of what it’s like to have depression that he’s ever seen. I suggest that you, your husband, and your MIL could all get something of value from this book. This will help you understand that depression can be every bit as physically debilitating as having chronic heart failure or being paralyzed at times. Yes, it’s “all in their head”, but so is brain cancer. Why do we treat the two diseases differently?
Second, meds are not the perfect answer. They can do wonders, but they don’t work for everyone. Finding one that works is a process of trial and error. Watch her closely for the next couple of weeks. One of the meds my husband tried made him feel totally suicidal. Also, if she has no physical side effects with the new meds, it means it’s doing nothing for her mentally.
Third, lower any expectations you may have as far as having her help out, playing “grandma” to your kids, etc. You can invite and encourage, but not force or guilt or nag her into anything. It will only make her feel worse if she thinks you’re disappointed in her. Some days she will stay in bed the whole day and that’s okay. Go on with your life, but welcome her when she does join your family. If you’re afraid to leave her alone right now, try having your kids’ friends over to play at your house, invite your mom friends over to work on scrapbooks, etc. Don’t feel you have to entertain her every second. You will have to watch your own mental health. It can be easy to start feeling worn down yourself. You and your husband could go out on dates, but still get a babysitter for the kids. That way, your MIL doesn’t feel as if she’s being watched or that she’s interfering in your life, but she won’t be responsible for the kids and there will be someone there in case of an emergency - or at least to call you if your MIL walks out the door.
Fourth, you can not heal your MIL’s depression. In fact, I’d be surprised if it ever went away entirely. It may lessen, she may learn to cope with it better, but I doubt that many people are ever “cured”. You don’t need to walk on eggshells. Something you do or say could trigger dark thoughts in her, but that’s a function of the depression that you can’t really control. Let her know she’s loved and she’d be missed if she were gone (if it’s obvious that you can’t wait for her to get a place of her own, she could translate that to, “I might as well kill myself to save everyone the trouble”). Try to cover any disappointment you feel in unmet expectations, but you don’t have to be positive all the time. It’s okay for you to have downer days and pessimistic thoughts and feel like life is hard. It would be great if you could find someone else to talk to that’s dealt with this. Someone to empathize and give you day-to-day encouragement. You’d be amazed at how many people there are out there who’ve had similar experiences. Maybe ask your RS president.
Comment by jab — January 12, 2007 @ 8:34 pm
As a depressive, I’ll have to take issue with the comment “no side effects implies no mental effect” No side effects are nice, but its also nice to feel that the $5-$10/pill is doing something useful. I took pills that made no difference in what I felt, so I figured I may as well save the money.
I gave up on meds. The psychiatrist was doing, “try this; hmmm well try this; hmm try this” and it didn’t feel productive. One med I took made me very suicidal of course I wasn’t in a state to say “this doesn’t feel right, I should stop taking this” (plus I tend to be fairly rigid in following orders). So if the meds they are using make her even more suicidal, encourage her to stop and get something different. the other problem with meds is that they do work and over time it’s tempting to say, “I’m better, I don’t want my personality delivered by a pill” and then stop taking them. The starting and stopping can mean that eventually what did work, doesn’t any more. For me the pills only took the edge off a little bit and it wasn’t worth the side effects and money for such a limited return.
Right now things are a bit more balanced, but that involved leaving a high stress job and moving to the middle of nowhere with a fairly low key 9-5 job.
Another temptation of depression (and those in a supportive role) is to get caught up in the should’s and ought’s. Any time you find yourself saying, “I/she should …” or “I/she ought to ….” try and stop and take a deep breath.
Another productive exercise in some situations is to try and get honest communication, “what can you cope with right now?” If the answer is “nothing, I’m staying in bed” Then being able to respond, “Okay” and really be okay with it is good for you and for the depressive. For me, not having the pressure of my own expectations based on my notions of others’ expectations (esp. my wife’s) lightened the load somewhat.
good luck.
I’ll also second the Andrew Solomon book. His depression was much darker than mine ever was, but he did do a good job of writing clearly about a number of key emotions/reactions to depression that I could identify with very well.
Comment by Baja — January 12, 2007 @ 9:00 pm
In addition to meds, it sounds like your MIL could be helped by therapy. Although depression has a chemical component (and like others have said, meds can be helpful), therapy can help her to start healing from emotional wounds that might be aggravating the depression.
As for your role, I echo what others have said. It is not your responsibility to heal her. You can just be there for her (asking what you can do to help, being there to listen and offer support, etc.
And like others have said, doing some reading on depression might be helpful. “The Noonday Demon” is pretty long, but it’s very thorough. If you want a shorter read, “Darkness Visible” by William Styron will give you a sense of what your MIL is dealing with.
And like others have mentioned too, remember to take care of yourself. It seems like you don’t have a clear sense of how long she’ll be staying with you, but if her ASAP is not your ASAP, you’re probably going to get stressed and tired. Make sure that you do what you need to do to cope and stay healthy.
Comment by Seraphine — January 12, 2007 @ 10:25 pm
Hey Nutty–I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Like Liz says, it’s very helpful to remember that depression is an illness, and one which ideally should be free of pejorative assumptions such as some of your MIL’s caregivers offered (in fact, I’m pretty aghast medical professionals wondered why a smart and adept person would be depressed. To some degree that’s like wondering how a smart person could get leukemia).
Sometimes depression has a trigger. For instance, I’m clinically depressed right now because of infertility. I’m on medication and it’s all very weird since I’m a very cheery person usually. Since my depression is situational, it will probably go away eventually. For other people, depression has no real trigger or expected end point, and they need medication for their whole lives–the same way a diabetic person requires insulin, I suppose. If your MIL’s depression is situational, that’s probably a little easier. But either way it’s treatable. And that’s excellent news.
I have had 3 people very close to me suffer from SEVERE depression resulting in suicide attempts, and for whatever it’s worth, I’d advise against believing you can “fix” or “heal” it. You can bear witness to suffering and you can ease the burden, but you cannot make the depression go away. Banish the notion that you can heal your MIL–you’ll only drive yourself nuts. You can help and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking your MIL what would she’d like you to do. Different things helped each of the severally depressed people in my life.
Also (and boy I’m going on) depression is very very very hard on caretakers/roomies. VERY hard. Often caretakers wind up depressed themselves, so make sure you have a good network of support for yourself as well as your MIL. It gets better. You won’t feel out of depth forever.
Comment by Janet — January 12, 2007 @ 10:27 pm
I second the recommendation of *Darkness Visible*. It’s well written and really helped me gain empathy. AND it’s a very quick read (I read it in the tub in one night.)
Comment by Janet — January 12, 2007 @ 10:36 pm
These all sound like really good recommendations, from my point of view of having alot of depression, myself.
I am so sorry you have this to deal with; it is okay to be angry, frustrated, and all that stuff.
Comment by sarebear — January 12, 2007 @ 10:54 pm
#8 I’ve been around the anti-depression meds for most of my adult life and have never heard no side effects means it’s not doing anything to help the mental illness. I’ve never heard that and wouldn’t ever use it as a hard rule unless I consulted with a psychiatrist and pharmacist.
Comment by LAGirrrl — January 12, 2007 @ 11:38 pm
Lot’s of good comments. (Thanks Janet for the comment about smart people and depression, some of the smartest people I know are also the most depressed.) In a nutshell I’ve seen both sides. Had severe post partum depression long enough to know how it feels and how real it is and how powerless you are to change how you feel. But it has been even harder for me to have a spouse with long-term depression. Meds helped keep his head above water, but there was no joy in his life. One of the worst parts was going through it alone because so many people–especially males are so private about it because of the stigma associated with it, that you can’t talk about it. Everyone knows when you get laid up with a physical ailment and are quick to help; but people and families with emotional ailments often suffer in silence.
Depression does affect the entire family. I’m not sure how old your kids are, but one of the best things I did was when things escalated to a point I’d never imagined, I finally told my kids the truth. I didn’t want them to ever think it was their fault when things were bad.
One thing I learned is that meds work best combined with a good therapist. I would especially suggest this given the emotional issues you mentioned.
God bless–
Comment by D. — January 13, 2007 @ 12:49 am
“if she has no physical side effects with the new meds, it means it’s doing nothing for her mentally.”
I was just repeating what my sister said her psychiatrist told her when she was searching for a med that would work for her anxiety/depression. Sorry for the unqualified opinion.
Comment by jab — January 13, 2007 @ 7:44 am
Thank you for all of your information, encouragement, advice and emphathy, I very much appreciate it. My MIL has been taking Zoloft for ten years and it was determined that she had reached her saturation point, so she’s started a new drug (something that starts with an s or c, I can’t remember), so the advice with watching her on new meds is helpful. She also had a therapist for ten years, but has now determined she needs a new one, which I think will be a healthy change. She is also making life changes, as Baja did and I think that will help her.
Jab, thank you for your book recommendation (as well as you insightful advice) and others who agree, I will definately read it.
I do realize that depression is different for all people, but I am so relieved to hear of your experiences and suggestions. Keep them coming, it’s very comforting to me!
Comment by Nutty — January 13, 2007 @ 8:21 am
My mom has had depression for the majority of her life. I think the drug she is on now is Celexa. She doesn’t believe in a therapist because they don’t solve her problems (they ask her to solve her own). I have wondered how it might be to have her in my home, as my children are the only people that bring her happiness. Also, there’s a good chance that when my youngest brother is out of the house, my parents will get divorced (long standing trust issues).
I imagine that she will want to live with us if that were the case. I don’t know how I could handle that. Shes told me before of her suicidal issues. She says it’s like this, “I don’t want to kill myself, it’s just that I don’t want to live anymore.” It’s very scary for me, and I’ve tried to get the whole family in for therapy, but it never happened.
I think my mom appreciates opporunitites to discuss how she’s doing. I know it’s difficult for me to ask her, but I think it’s good for her and good for us.
Comment by jessawhy — January 13, 2007 @ 10:35 am
Jessawhy-
I have similar feelings as your mother, in that I have been to therapy and it just felt like so much talk and talk and talk, and didn’t really seem to do anything….
I find private journaling much more helpful now but maybe that is only because I had to talk it out with someone first.
Anyway, I still highly recommend therapy to people who are struggling, but is sort of a double standard because i still struggle with a lot of darkness, but don’t feel any inclination to go.
Comment by G — January 13, 2007 @ 2:22 pm
Living with a suicidal loved one was the hardest thing I ever did. His depression lasted about a year, during which I lived in constant awareness that TODAY might be the day that I wake up or come home to his dead body. My heart stopped every time I opened the door, and only started again when I had established that it hadn’t happened . . . yet. Every time I looked in the mirror I imagined in great detail the blame, incomprehension of others, and eventual ostracism I was certain I would face when the suicide finally came. It never did, and he’s been fine for several years. Even now, I feel like the experiences of that year broke my brain into a hundred pieces that I was responsible for collecting, sorting through, and piecing it all together again (and that on top of everything else). I still wonder if I did a good enough job repairing myself. Looking back at that experience I have only a few tips.
1. You seem to be taking responsibility for the outcome of your mother-in-law’s situation. It’s been said already, but here it is again: depression is not cured or resolved by the sick person’s loved ones and friends. That concept is not something anyone internalizes or accepts easily, and a counselor can help there.
2. People who are depressed can lash out in very hurtful ways, and they may not even realize it, and in some cases won’t even remember doing it. Let it go. Harder done than said, but there again, that’s what the counselor is for.
3. Even though you are new to your community, reach out and talk to people. Depression is common enough that most (or all?) of us know someone who has been through it (or we’ve been through it). Getting in touch with a real person can do a lot to remove the stigma, isolation, shame, etc., which often, and unfortunately compounds depression. It will also lessen your sense that no one knows what you are going through, or even that you are struggling. Make sure someone (other than your spouse) knows your situation, not just the depressed person’s.
A few years after the worst of it was over I was given the book called Contagious Emotions: Staying Well When Someone You Love Is Depressed. You can get it used through Amazon’s marketplace. It might help.
Comment by Nameless This Time — January 13, 2007 @ 2:36 pm
HI. I have suffered from depression for a couple of years and know MANY people who have suffered from it and are suffering from it.
It is important to remember that it is usually the “able and intelligent” that do suffer from it. I know from my own experience that it depression often comes to those who are perfectioists, meaning they are constantly expecting themselves to be perfect and of course missing these expectations because we are not.
The most helpful thing I found was people showing understanding and patience and love and by the sound of it, you have those traits in abundance. Many people would not have even thought to have asked for advise so well done to you for being open minded.
My cousin has been suicidal for a long time, but is coming out the other side of it now and I know that it was the love and support from his family that helped him get through. Listen to her when she wants to talk, and remember for your own sanity that this to shall pass.
Having depression is like being in a very dark hole. You can’t think straight. You can’t see any light. The “normal you” isn’t around and it is confusing. if your MIL has the right meds and therapy there is light at the end of the tunnel and there is a way out. THIS IS NOT FOREVER.
Carry on being loving and supportive and you both will come out of this even better than when you started.
from one who has been though it, there is hope.
Comment by debs — January 13, 2007 @ 8:41 pm
I’ve both had depression myself and lived with someone who was suffering from severe depression. It can be extremely hard on everyone involved, and I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. I don’t want to seem too familiar with your situation, because I’m obviously not, but I’m just going to mention a couple of things that helped in my family.
1) often, the person who is depressed has no clue or very little clue as to how their moods and behavior affect those who care about them, live with them, etc. I had no idea how hard my depression was on my husband until he told me (which was many months after I had begun to recover). I’m not suggesting that you go and expound upon any feelings of responsibility, anxiety, or whatever to your mother in law, as it might induce a lot of guilt, which can make the depression even worse. But do take care of yourself first, and I hope that your husband does as well. It’s difficult and often ineffective to try and care for someone suffering from depression when you don’t feel cared for yourself. Maybe even consider going to a therapist or bishop just to have a listening ear and hear an objective opinion, sometimes it helps a lot.
2) As far as the suicide thing goes–it can be very scary, it’s true. The policy I have adopted with a certain close relative (who suffers on an off with depression/suicidal thoughts) is to tell her that I am always willing to listen if she wants to talk. She’s a private person, but I think it helps her to know that there is someone who will listen and on occasion she has taken me up on my offer. I also told her that if she ever felt suicidal I wanted her to come to me or DH and there would be no judgement, no questions if she didn’t want to talk about it, but we would see that she got help one way or the other, immediately.
In my experience with suicidal feelings, well, I never really *wanted* to do it, but as one poster said regarding her mother, I “didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live anymore either.” So often those feelings come more out of desparation, and they had triggers–it was worse at night, worse after a fight with DH or a family member, and worse in times of stress. And at least in my experience, once you seriously consider suicide as a solution, it’s much easier to go back to those thoughts when things seem to get too difficult in your life. So maybe talk to your MIL (or suggest she speak about it with her therapist) and try and figure out together if there are times when it’s a little harder for her as well, and maybe she can start recognizing those signs a little earlier before “the spiral” (as we refer to it in our house) gets out of hand.
But like you said, you are not the one to resolve her issues. After a certain point I just had to let my anxiety (regarding this family member) go, because it was driving me nuts with worry. It actually helps me quite a bit to try and remain as objective and even a little detached, as I tend to get caught up in the emotions of others. Your MIL is ultimately going to make her own decisions, but knowing that she is loved and needed, and that you and your husband are there for her will hopefully go a long way (that, and consistency with her medication, and being aware of how it makes her feel–if it makes her feel worse then contact her docs right away of course).
Sorry this is so long! I just really sympathize with you, and I hope I didn’t sound too preachy–I’m only going off of what I know (experience and an undergrad degree in behavioral science). I hope the best for your MIL and your family.
ps–part of my family is Catholic, and I know that the larger parishes offer religiously-oriented support groups or could recommend some. I don’t know how active your MIL is in her church, but spiritual guidance/counseling can really be helpful if it’s done in an understanding manner (meaning, no “depression comes from sin” stuff–that can really make people feel awful). Maybe suggest she contact her local parish, or get involved in some church-oriented volunteering or activities?
Comment by Anna A. — January 14, 2007 @ 9:42 pm
It’s important not to make this depression “about you.”
Because it isn’t. It’s about her. And it’s presumptuous to act like it’s your responsibility (your “walking on eggshells comment”).
I agree with the advice about getting treatment and doing all you can to help. But try and remember - it’s her life. Ultimately, when she decides to die is her affair and there won’t be much you can do about it.
Among certain indian cultures, there used to be a practice among “the old ones” of, when they felt their time was up, simply leaving the camp one day and never coming back. People in camp didn’t question or interfere because that was simply how things were done. It was a part of the spiritual journey of life.
Can we say this is a worse approach than ending life in a hospital bed, with tubes stuck up every opening, chained to an iron lung?
I’m not trying to be callous here. I merely bring the example up as an alternative way of viewing this. Like I said, I agree with attempts to treat this.
But in the end, it’s her life. And it’s not subject to the agendas of her children. And it’s certainly not reasonable to claim the responsibility for her life or death for your own. You help as much as you can and leave it at that.
Comment by Seth R. — January 15, 2007 @ 4:31 am
Thanks you Seth and Anna and others who commented along the same lines. I have very much appreciated you wise advice, your feelings and experiences.
It’s odd, but I do feel a bit disconnected, like I’m just one of the bus stops in her life. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have the mother/daughter bond with her that I do have with my own Mom. I do realize that she is resposible for her own life. I think my tendancy to want to make others happy and not myself is what my problem is. I am trying to take the advice to make sure and put me and my family first and keep our lives as normal as possible. I’m happy to be a listening ear and have been on many, many occasions. Though this is becoming more difficult as she has decided to leave her husband and her methods and actions are a bit disagreeable to me. I try just to listen until my personal boundaries are crossed, then take action to protect me and my own.
The thread seems to be dying out, but if there are any other insights, I would love to hear them. Thank you again to all who have contributed!
Comment by Nutty — January 15, 2007 @ 4:41 pm
Hi Nutty, Sorry to be so late with this…
My husband is also depressive, and he says that what helps him most is knowing that I am doing well (which means taking care of myself and remembering that his depression and his choices are not my fault) and always being invited to participate in things whether or not he wants to go. When he is depressed, I do things by myself, including attending church, going to the library, shopping, visiting friends, but always inviting him makes it easier for him when he’s coming out of the depression to begin to participate in life again. When he gets depressed, I go into this separatist, lockdown mode where I learn to get along without him and not need his love or support, because it’s not available when he’s depressed.
My husband also emphasizes the importance of taking your prescribed meds. It’s good that she gave the responsibility of them to you. A common fallacy is that when they start working and you start feeling better, you’ll think, “I’m feeling okay now. Maybe I don’t need my medication.” and you’ll forget that the reason you feel better is because of the medication. So watch for that too. Another agreement that we have to help us cope is that I get to decide when he’s ill enough to see a therapist or doctor, because if he is that ill he is not going to be making good decisions.
Good luck to you. It’s not an easy thing, and I wish you all the best!!
Comment by Adrian — January 16, 2007 @ 9:20 am
So many people suffer from depression. Go to understanddepression.com and you’ll find answers there. There is a way out, but not many doctors know of this, so they tell you that you’ll suffer for life, or that you’ll have to take drugs for life. You will learn on this website that there is a solution. I wish you all the best.
Comment by Maria — January 29, 2007 @ 5:49 pm