Mormon Kama Sutra
Warning: Content of the post is crude (and funny). Also irreverent, ill-bred, impertinent, impolite, profane, smart-alecky, rude, and flippant. If crude (and hysterical) humor makes you uncomfortable or unhappy or outraged please do not read this crude (and hilarious) post. Nor bother to tell us of your outrage should you disregard this warning.
Stop now, I mean it. Seriously.
Mormon Kama Sutra, by JanaR
For those of you who are interested in enhancing your sexual pleasure by moving beyond The (Returned) Missionary Position, you might want to try one of these positions from the LDS Kama Sutra* tonight:
Retention and Reactivation
The PPI
Hold to the Rod
The Secret Combination
Come, Thou Font of Every Blessing
The Bishop’s Daughter
Hie to Kolob
The Rameumptom
Mutual Activities
The Y
Moroni’s Promise
The Triple Combination
One Eternal Round
Patriarchal Blessings
Come, Come Ye Saints
The Stripling Warrior
Urim and Thummim
The Gift of Tongues
Or perhaps you have a favorite position that you’d like to share?
*Kudos go to the writers of The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer and to the readers of pilgrimgirl for creating this list.
I’ll never look at hymns the same way again:
“How Firm a Foundation”
“Come, All Ye Saints of God”
“Zion Stands with Hills Surrounded”
“We are Sowing”
“Rise Up, O Men of God”
Looks like my humor never left the eighth grade.
Comment by JohnR — January 30, 2007 @ 1:42 am
I knew I should have kept up with my kegels.
I think I peed my pants a little.
Comment by Lindsay — January 30, 2007 @ 2:25 am
Guffaw!
Nice…
Don’t forget “Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree.”
Comment by Seth R. — January 30, 2007 @ 6:33 am
OK, I know this is sacriligeous, but I just couldn’t resist:
New iPod accessory.
Comment by Seth R. — January 30, 2007 @ 6:40 am
oh. my. gosh! seth!!!
you sure know how to accessorize!
Comment by G — January 30, 2007 @ 8:49 am
So did you have to juxtapose this with a post on Wiener Schnitzel? Or is that what makes this a *feminist* site?
Comment by Kristine — January 30, 2007 @ 9:47 am
I don’t get Moroni’s Promise.
Comment by some dood — January 30, 2007 @ 12:32 pm
I can’t believe you missed opening exercises. Isn’t that what polygamists call foreplay?
Comment by Christian — January 30, 2007 @ 2:39 pm
ha ha, I am a first time reader and that is funny. But I nearly fell over laughing at the iPod accessory.
I sure will be back - this seems like a fun group.
Comment by CG — January 30, 2007 @ 2:44 pm
sethR, # 4
i don’t get it? how is it sac religious?
Comment by mfranti — January 30, 2007 @ 2:48 pm
Mfranti, I think it’s because the name of it sounds a little like taking God’s name in vain.
Comment by Ana — January 30, 2007 @ 3:28 pm
Why, I’m outraged! Absolutely disgusted! I think this post is inexcusable!
Come on, people, have some decency! This is an insult to all of us!
I mean, how can you give us the names of these positions and not include the illustrations to let us know how they’re done?!
Comment by Quimby — January 30, 2007 @ 4:48 pm
What about:
High on a Mountain Top
and
Making a Fast Offering
Comment by Talon — January 30, 2007 @ 4:55 pm
I thought htis was obvious:
Every good Mormon girl, before dating a Mormon boy over a certain age, wants to know if he’s endowed.
(When I moved into a new ward, someone once asked me openly in the hallway if I was endowed, and I had to bite my tongue to hold back a wisecrack answer.)
Good jokes can also be had by talking about singing hymns in the shower, and using split infinitives.
Have you ever sang “Families Can be Together Forever” in the shower? (Hint: remove the quotes to see the joke.)
Have you ever sang: “We Thank Thee, Oh God, For a Prophet” in the shower?
If you have to have a chuckle during a boring sacrament meeting talk, flip through the hymn book, and mentally put “in the shower” after the hymn name. People will wonder why you’re snickering.
Comment by Anon — January 30, 2007 @ 6:44 pm
Substitute “between the sheets” for “in the shower”, and, well, let’s just say it’s not quite as clean!
Comment by Another anon — January 30, 2007 @ 7:54 pm
A couple of lines from one classic hymn:
“The world has need of willing men”
and
“Do your duty with a heart full of song!”
Comment by Rich — January 30, 2007 @ 8:55 pm
It’s not strictly a Mo’ thing, but we do believe in the gift of tongues and greeting with a holy kiss.
Comment by Steve — January 30, 2007 @ 10:20 pm
Seth, what is the innuendo associated with Popcorn Popping? Yo no comprendo. And how does the iDildo have anything to do with this thread? How is it both Mormon and prurient? Do tell.
Comment by UmYeah — January 31, 2007 @ 5:56 am
I don’t recommend putting your shoulder to the wheel…it kinda hurts.
Comment by Becky..Absent Minded Housewife — January 31, 2007 @ 10:09 am
Could I get the Illustrated version of this for my wife?
Comment by buckhntr — January 31, 2007 @ 12:15 pm
What? No pictures?
Comment by Sarah — January 31, 2007 @ 1:13 pm
14 and 15 - I always added “on the toilet” to the title.
“Praise To The Man.. on the toilet
“Have I Done any Good ..on the toilet”
“I Have Work Enought To Do.. on the toilet”
and, my fave
“Rejoice! A Glorious Sound Is Heard…on the toilet!”
Comment by Patti — January 31, 2007 @ 1:27 pm
Okay, this is hilarious. I do have to swing it back to a feminist thought, though. I am getting into Hemalayaa Behl www.hemalayaa.com (Bollywood Dance Workout) who teaches Kama Sutra classes in California. I have been getting her e-newsletter and this is what she said of Kama Sutra:
Though it might come as a surprise to most Westerners, only a small part of the Kama Sutra is devoted to the mechanics of sex. This ancient Sanskrit work promotes the sacredness of sex and the cultivation of sensuality as one of life’s highest callings. Its author, Vatsyayana, was a man writing for men, but some of the Kama Sutra speaks directly to women, telling them how to attract husbands and how to be good wives. Of the 64 arts Vatsyayana lists in the Kama Sutra, the foremost are music and dancing.
Times have changed since the 4th century. Women no longer think of finding a mate as an art they have to master, certainly not from a man. But the need for connection with our sensual self—our inner goddess—remains as strong as ever, and the opportunities to make that connection are rarer than ever. Whether our goal is loving another or loving and accepting ourselves, feeling our sensuality and expressing it requires conscious effort.
Very interesting, I think.
Oh, and, what about High on a Mountain Top?
Comment by Angela — January 31, 2007 @ 11:53 pm
Thanks everyone, for adding to my list. Next time, I’ll definitely add some pictures and diagrams–though, of course, I’ll be needing some volunteers to pose for the photos….
And Angela: Hemalaaya teache pretty close to me in SoCal. Thanks for the tip–I may add one of her retreats to my yoga practice.
Comment by JanaR — February 1, 2007 @ 12:14 am
Well, as every sixth grader worth his salt knows,
EVERYYTHING is innuendo when said with the right tone of voice, among suitably twisted minds, and followed by suitably nervous giggling.
Comment by Seth R. — February 1, 2007 @ 4:44 am
Jana, I’ve always been bummed that the LDS culture hardly even pays lip service to the idea that sexuality and spirituality should and can be complimentary–even inexplicable in my mind. We often hear that using sexuality poorly messes with spirituality, but rarely does anyone expound on the idea that sexuality can augment a spiritual life in positive ways. It’s ironic considering the Mormon belief in eternal marriage and the body comprising half the soul, eh? I may look into the Eastern stuff.
Comment by Janet — February 1, 2007 @ 10:37 am
Janet, I did get some of that in a wonderful seminar that the BYU gives to engaged couples. There’s also that information in the Ensign in the 1980s which said, effectively that the only form of birth control that the church says is categorically wrong is abstinence, since it “disrupts the natural relationship between husband and wife.”
Comment by Christian — February 1, 2007 @ 10:57 am
I am with you, Janet, on my thinking that sexuality augments my spirituality. And while I think it noteworthy that this Ensign article (#27) suggested that abstinence is detrimental to marriage, I don’t necessarily see this as evidence that the institutional church is connecting sexuality and spirituality. First of all, I don’t think that the connectedness between sexuality and spirituality necessary has anything to do with being married or with being sexually active. Secondly, it seems like this advice is more about controlling sexuality (even while promoting it) than it is about developing a mind-body connection.
For me, one of the benefits of yoga practice is that I am more in tune with my body and I’m therefore more capable of embracing /enjoying my sensuality and sexuality. Again, this is about my experience with _my_ body (and I’m not talking about masturbation, but about being fully present in my body) and can often be independent of my level of sexual activity with my spouse (although that’s generally augemented, too).
Comment by JanaR — February 1, 2007 @ 12:39 pm
I have no opinion as to whether the Ensign’s warning about abstinence in marriage relates to the narrow topic of “developing a mind-body connection.” I think that spirituality is a broad term that encompasses more than “developing a mind-body connection.”
Jana, it surprises me that you would dismiss out of hand that marriage connects to spirituality, or would confine a discussion of spirituality to a “mind-body connection.” I accept your assertion that Yoga allows someone to be in tune with her body and therefore more capable of enbracing her sexuality, independent of her level of sexual activity with her spouse. I cannot see how that statement remotely conflicts with the possibility that sex directly and indirectly affects the spiritual relationship between husband and wife.
As for female masturbation, I don’t recall seeing the church knocking that specifically. As far as I’ve seen, the talk against masturbation has always focused on males. The BYU seminar that I spoke of, seemed to suggest that this was a different issue for women than it is with men, and that some women might really need it, to understand her body. A guy getting off while thinking innapropriate thoughts about others, isn’t the same thing as a woman discovering how her own body works and what gives her pleasure.
Comment by Christian — February 1, 2007 @ 1:17 pm
I can’t believe you all missed the obvious:
Second coming.
Comment by Capt. Obsidian — February 1, 2007 @ 4:18 pm
What about bishopric? I still have to explain that one to my non-member friends all the time when they ask “He’s in the bishop’s what?”
Comment by Lorelei Lee — February 1, 2007 @ 4:40 pm
I wish our culture (broad society and the church) celebrated healthy, integrated sexuality a more. Just read Naomi Wolf’s “promiscuities”, which is primarily about the virgin-whore dichotomy, and I was left really wishing I had been taught differently by my time and place.
Anyway, in the church we do have Elder Holland’s “of souls, symbols, and sacraments”, which is fabulous. I wish more people knew of it.
Comment by cchrissyy — February 2, 2007 @ 9:06 am
I sometimes wonder if the reason for northern Europe recent slide into a sexual free-for-all has something to do with the fact that their most prim and uptight citizens joined the Mormons and moved to Utah a couple generations ago.
Comment by Christian — February 2, 2007 @ 9:51 am
I haven’t heard of the sexual free-for-all in Northern Europe. In my mind I imagining something like mass orgies in the snow–Brrr.
Comment by JanaR — February 2, 2007 @ 10:32 am
Unlike state-sponsored prostitute visits to the old folks home, age of consent slipping towards twelve, legal “marriage” status for a bisexual polyamorous relationship between an old gezer and two younger women, no one to my knowledge is asking the state to sponsor or sanctify a mass orgy in the snow. For state sponsored orgies you’d need to go back to Caligula or to that ancient Sumerian goddess of sex and violence whose name slips my mind. Ishtar? Ashtaroth? Inanna? Bananna?
Comment by Christian — February 2, 2007 @ 11:22 am
cchrissyy- wow, I am reading promiscuities too!
and I also have several copies of Holland’s “Souls, symbols…” talk”
good combiniation
Comment by G — February 2, 2007 @ 11:32 am
“I need thee every hour” describes how my husband and I feel about each other.
Comment by anon — February 2, 2007 @ 12:10 pm
For those of you looking for info the church provides on the topic it doesn’t get more clear than what true to the faith states here.
That
I have heard many stories of people filled with guilt on thier wedding night because all through out thier youth they heard sex is BAD BAD BAD. In actuality the church believes it is good. But the Leaders etc don’t realise in saying BAD BAD BAD people believe it and they aren’t told it is GOOD GOOD GOOD IN MARRIAGE. It is difficult for some who have been programmed a certain way to flip the switch that says it is OK.
A great author is Laura M. Brotherson.
She wrote a book called:
And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment
You can read excerpts and articles she has written at her website here
Everyone who is getting married should read her book. Or if you are married now you should read her book. I wish i had before I got married and wish my wife had read it also. Go check it out for yourself if you are not yet familiar with Laura.
It’s really great stuff.
Comment by Ben — February 2, 2007 @ 1:33 pm
Also for more info see this post on BCC here it covers a wide range relating to church history on the topic of sexuality.
Comment by Ben — February 2, 2007 @ 1:38 pm
Holland’s “Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments” is the only real treatment of chasitity I’ve seen which transcended “‘cuz God said so, you randy little pervert.” I remember feeling incredibly happy when I found a copy of it my freshman year of colege.
Here’s an odd snippet of info: yesterday I found out that most LDS presses won’t allow ANY mention of “private body parts” in any context of a published work. I have to delete the phrase “pubic hair” from an essay I’m publishing even though it’s in a medical context. I wonder what such a rule will do to the marketing of Brotherson’s book?
Comment by Janet — February 2, 2007 @ 2:31 pm
Janet,
Her book has been out for quite some time. Her sales have been doing well. And not just in LDS community. You can find her book at amazon and all big name stores etc…
I do like “Souls symbols and sacraments” however.
I think the importance of this relationship is sorely overlooked by many in the LDS community. We need more to be educated on this topic.
I think the list above is quite humorous. I won’t be able to look the same way at church hymms now.
Comment by Ben — February 2, 2007 @ 2:56 pm
This is the most spiritual and intimate song I have ever heard. Peter Gabriel (who is a Gnostic Christian) wrote it about spritually bonding with the love of your life, almost as if god was to be found in the act, or at least at the end of it.
I will touch this tender wall, till I know Im home again . What do you all think the Tender wall is. ?
His website goes really deep into this.
THis might be another thread to start but.. Here goes.
When Adam was commanded not to eat the friut, that was after he was told to stay with Eve. Eve was the first to eat of it, and she saw how it all worked. She said “Adam, I am getting Kicked out, and you were commanded to remain with me”. In whatever way Adam understood, he knew he loved her, and he ate because he was supposed to stay with her. The Garden was no paradise, without Eve. (I will quote Mark Twains Adam, of mother eve, “Where she was Paradise was also” about my wife) . So The lord yells for Adam to come forth, he does, and stands before God, Naked, and the Gnostic scriptures tell us that then his cheeks were reddened. He fell, blood ran in his veins, and he became mortal. All of this because he loved Eve, and the greater commandment was to be with her, and to be intimate with her. The Gnostic scriptures call the law of love, “The Blood of Eden” thats what Peter Gabriel’s song is about. Intimacy is incredible, and at times very spiritual, but who says it cant be LOTS OF FUN TOO? ? ? ?
Accepting all I’ve done and said
I want to stand and stare again
Til there’s nothing left out, oh
It remains in your eyes
Whatever comes and goes
I will hear silent call
I will touch this tender wall
Til I know I’m home again
Ooh
In your eyes (in your eyes)
In your eyes (in your eyes)
In your eyes (in your eyes)
In your eyes
And all my instincts, they return
And the grand faade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
The light, the heat (in your eyes)
In your eyes
I am complete (in your eyes)
In your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches (in your eyes)
The resolution (in your eyes) of all the fruitless searches (in your eyes)
Oh I see the light and the heat (in your eyes in your eyes)
Oh, I wanna be that complete (in your eyes)
I wanna touch the light, the heat I see in your eyes
(In your eyes)
(In your eyes)
(In your eyes)
(In your eyes)
(In your eyes)
(In your eyes)
In your eyes
Accepting all I’ve done and said
I want to stand and stare again
Til there’s nothing left out, oh
It remains in your eyes
Whatever comes and goes
Oh it’s in your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
Comment by Punkrocktattoboymormon — February 3, 2007 @ 6:57 pm
One of the sexiest songs I know is spiritual, but in a scary way.
Describes what sounds like a spiritually enslaving sexual relationship.
Ghost, by the Indigo Girls. The whole thing is powerful, but the following part really knocks me down:
Sarah McLaughlan’s song “Possession” plays on similar themes. Even sexier, and not quite as disturbing to think about.
Less powerful, but more “safe” images of sexual spirituality for me: Annie’s Song,
My wife and I love Lorena McKennitt. She’s like a musical anthropologist, touring the world and her songs are tapestries of the voices and cultures of different people … and there’s something spiritual about connecting ourselves through music to different times and people. Understanding them in a way that could not come from a conversation or from simply reading a book. Her work is not overtly sexual in any way that I’ve noticed, but her rendition of Noyes old poem, “the highwayman”, strikes me as incredibly sexy. It’s a story of the savage, uncontrollable love of the bandit and “Bess the landlord’s daughter.
I know you probably weren’t asking for examples of dark spirituality and sexuality. I think we really need to develop them. Didn’t Jesus once express the wish that the “children of light” would become as clever and diligent in our own way as “the children of mammon?”
Comment by Christian — February 3, 2007 @ 7:31 pm
Correction: I meant, I think we really need to develop more examples of art, music, and literature that connect positive spirituality with sexuality.
Comment by Christian — February 3, 2007 @ 7:32 pm
The sexual position all you woman should master is
“Praise to the Man”
Comment by John — February 9, 2007 @ 10:01 am
If only all our husbands could say “I’ll Go Where You Want Me To Go”…
Comment by Grimace — February 11, 2007 @ 9:57 pm
And, of course, let’s not forget “the PPI” …
Comment by Grimace — February 11, 2007 @ 9:58 pm
Grimace:
No, I think all they know is “Praise to the Man”
Comment by Anna Marion — April 16, 2007 @ 6:40 pm
Maybe this web-site should be changed to “sexually liberated Mormon women”. A long time over-due by the way.
Comment by Buzz — August 22, 2007 @ 10:08 pm
Very amusing!
I like to hold to the rod (the word of God!).
Comment by Married8 — September 7, 2007 @ 12:27 am
I love this whole blog, finally mormons who understand that God has a body and a wife, and sexuality is a good thing!!!! Haha My husband is not LDS (yet), and I have been trying to explain to him that his baptism would ignite my sensuality, not dry it up. A Priesthood holder to “hold to the rod” and partake of the fruit of life with….talk about becoming one in mind, body and soul. Thats the point of sealings, right? I am pretty sure Eve knew what she was doing… Now if I could just seduce my husband all the way to the temple like Eve did Adam out of the garden. HAhahaha
Comment by Sariah C. — September 7, 2007 @ 4:50 pm
everything IS erotic. lol
Comment by mck — October 31, 2007 @ 7:07 pm
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Comment by Benneth — October 5, 2009 @ 12:24 pm
Three years late, but I thought I’d add to the list:
The Golden Trumpeter
The WOW
Stealing the Sword of Laban
The Cherubim and Flaming Sword
Church-Ball
The White-field; Ready to Harvest
The Gadianton Rub-her
The Cunning Serpent
The Outer Darkness
The Glory of the Sun (The Moon or the Stars)
The Beet-Farmer
The Teste-Moany [let me know when I cross the line]
The Last Dispensation (or Dispensation of the Fullness)
And I’m sorry, no matter how you do the “triple combination” its still adultery =)
Comment by 152 — February 22, 2010 @ 4:02 pm
Sung by Mommy, “I’m so Glad when Daddy Comes Home!”
Comment by Ela C — February 26, 2010 @ 2:49 pm